You’re Probably Passing Up Your Soulmate, And You Don’t Even Know It

smiling confident man in a newsboy hat

A friend forwarded me an article about looks on the dating site It blew my mind.

Okay, maybe it didn’t blow my mind, but it did validate everything that I’ve ever said about online dating. I’m going to do my best to summarize— and explain what you can learn from it. According to this article…

1) Men have a very fair assessment of women’s overall attractiveness. This doesn’t mean that they’re not shallow (they are), but rather, that they are consistent and reasonable in terms of “rating” women’s looks.

Like in a normal bell curve, 5% of the women were found to be the least attractive and 5% were found to be the most attractive, with most women falling in the middle 90%.

It’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex.

2) Women, on the other hand, rate 80% of men as below average.

Let me repeat: It’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex.

After coaching women for many years, I already suspected this, but this was a stark realization when you see just how few men you even find to be average looking.

3) This doesn’t let men off the hook at all. OkCupid reports that the most attractive women still receive 5X more email than average women and 28X more email than unattractive women. Literally 2/3 of male messages go to the best looking 1/3 of women.

As OkCupid observed, the medical term for this is “male pattern madness”.

4) Women engage in similar behavioral patterns, just not as extreme. The most attractive men get 11X more than unattractive men.

To sum up, women find most men ugly, but write to them anyway. Men find most women reasonably attractive but spend their time writing only to the hottest ones.
Yep, that sounds about right.

As for how this affects YOUR online dating experience?

– The average female sender gets a 30% reply rate from the most attractive males.
– The average male sender gets a 27% reply rate from the most attractive females.

In other words, if you’re getting 1 out of 3 people writing back to you, you’re doing okay.

A huge problem with online dating is that we have an unrealistic set of expectations about how things work.


– The most attractive men get a 53% reply rate.
– The most attractive women get a 66% reply rate.

Once again, proving that attractive women are at the top of the online dating totem pole.

So, what do you DO with all this information?

First of all, count your blessings that you UNDERSTAND this. A huge problem with online dating is that we have an unrealistic set of expectations about how things work.

If you’re writing to a very attractive person, you now know you’re competing with everyone else on the website. You can’t be too disappointed when you don’t get a reply.

Next, you could say to yourself, “Hmm…if all the other women are writing to the top 5%, that means those men in the 50-90th percentile are comparatively being neglected.”

Thus, you’re going to have a lot more success writing to the proverbial “6’s” and “7s” than the “10’s”.

Finally, you’ll see that since you can’t force people to write to you (since most men and women are chasing younger, more attractive people), ALL you can do is open up to others and improve the way you interact on your dating site.

Join our conversation (261 Comments).
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  1. 1

    A few things.   Looking at the pictures of their highly-rated and average males and females, I think I realized part of the problem.   Could it be that the responders to their questionnaires were rather young, and that’s why the “hottest” guys appear 18-20 while OK Cupid’s employees who look to be at least mid-20s were even considered semi-decent?   I thought the employees were far better looking than their high quality users.   Just a thought.   Though I’d also be curious if they had more stratified data (like having people rate people who are similar in age or in the age range that the person is willing to date, or by race, education level, etc.).

    That being said, I do think women have unrealistic expectations about men’s appearance.   I can think of a couple instances off the top of my head.   Both men are balding, but professionals, super nice, intelligent, thoughtful, in good shape, and fun to hang around.   I happened to e-mail one (we’re now married).   I haven’t seen the other’s profile (he’s a friend from church) but, really?   Women are overlooking such fabulous men because of their hair follicles?    

    1. 1.1
      Yul Savalas

      Yes, women do reject men because of   hair follicles. I have four sisters so at any family reunion situation I get to hear, (whether I want to or not), their difficulties in love and family (real and imagined). All have been married at least once and two are now single again so “man talk” is rampant. I know that they have no problems attracting men – in fact that might be part of the problem. They’ve always had their pick and they discuss men like items on a grocery list. Anyway when I started to go bald they made fun of me and made comments like, “good thing you are already married”. When I asked for a serious answer they said that all other measures of success and appeal being equal, (education, job, fitness level) they would always rate a bald(ing) man as less desireable.   I point all of this out simply to illustrate that women and men are equal in their capacity for shallowness. A more kind assessment might be that people are entitled to their preferences without explanation.

      1. 1.1.1

        Yul @ 1.1.
        If women are so rejecting of bald men, why are men shaving their heads ?     I have no problem with bald men.   If I am not attracted to a bald man, his baldness has nothing to do with it.
        Sorry if I sound “bitter”, but the last 2 men I was extremely attracted to were both bald and had shaved heads.   When things looked like they could get sexual, and I put the brakes on in order to get to know them better, they both opted out of getting to know me better.   At least they were gentlemen, and decided to dump me without humping me, rather than pretend to be a potential boyfriend, so they could get sex, and then “change their mind”.    So I am not angry at these men because when I was honest with them, they were honest with me.   But it is disappointing, to once again,   reach another dead end.   So I am just not buying into this notion that bald men have it harder than men with hair.   I know a lot of bald men who are considered very sexy.   In fact, one of the bald men where I work, I would say that more than half the women in the office have an office crush on him.   (including me) He is well built, and has the moves and the voice, and he is HOT !       He is however happily married, so me, and every other woman in the office have to limit our feelings to our fantasy life.   If his marriage ever doesn’t work out, I have a feeling that this man, who   is as bald as an egg, is going to create a feeding frenzy at the office !
        I must admit, that men with huge all over the face bushy long beards are a real turn off to ME.   (Think Santa Clause, Willy Nelson, Duck Dynasty, etc)   However, I know some women who consider this to be a real turn ON.   So I would never tell a man that his facial hair is a turn off, I would just say, if pressed, that “We’re not a match”.   I’m ok with a well trimmed moustache or goatee, or even a full beard, if it isn’t down to his knees, but that “cousin it” look from the Adams Family just turns me right off.    
        OK, maybe I am turning down a GREAT relationship partner, because of a brillo face, and maybe it is so shallow of me, and yadda, yadda, yadda, but I just can’t get past that physical turn off, and it would be WRONG for tell someone to shave their face.   For me to try and become attracted to a man with a Santa Clause beard would be like most men trying to get past a very overweight woman.
        Personally, if I have a physical characteristic that a man doesn’t find attractive   (too thick waisted, small busted, redhair, too short) or whatever, I would rather a guy move on.   I really don’t understand short men, bald men, railing against women if we just aren’t honestly attracted to that characteristic, because there ARE women who would not reject a man over his height or hair follicles.   Men AND women are both entitled to their preferences without explanation.
        No one should have to “explain” their physical preferences in a relationship partner anyway.   Any more than we should have to explain our food preferences, or why we prefer the color purple over the color orange.
        I for one would die of humiliation, if I was in a relationship with a man and discovered that something about my physical appearance was something he had to “get past” or “learn to be attracted to”.     I would rather a man love my looks and and what’s in my mind and heart from the start, instead of being the girl “he gave a chance” to, and finally settled on.

        1. James

          Don’t feel bad, I’ve been rejected by women & my last ex girlfriend pretty much murdered my unborn children & didn’t even have enough courtesy to tell me she was pregnant.

          People constantly judge me & I do absolutely nothing, women like to point their fingers at me & say any form of B.S. they can. One woman even said when I was passing by, “hes the hottest guy ive ever seen but he walks around like hes better then everyone”

          I don’t walk around like I’m better than everyone, I just can’t stand headgames & most women from my experience rely on headgames because of my highly refined wisdom & intellect, I don’t care or know if it’s some kind of ego trip for people but it gets real annoying when people keep trying to put themselves up above you & all you want to do is get married & YET NO WOMAN WANTS TO EVEN BE WITH ME.

          So you think about that, the next time you think your dating experience is bad. Unlike you, I’ve never even been asked out on a date or given so much as a number by a woman, when I did ask a woman, they’d reject me & yet there are apparently women now, “drooling” over me. I don’t get you women, honestly, you don’t want anything to do with me & now they’re supposedly all on my sack all of a sudden. I am a male & I am tired of women being incapable of either making up their mind or not even having enough courage to talk to me, I don’t have time or mental energy for the headgames any longer.

          If anything, I should blame a lot of my poor behavior on the treatment I’ve been dealt on the female gender but I’m not petty like that, so I’ll leave it at that.

        2. g

          men shave their heads because it looks less obvious that they’re balding than it does if they just leave it and then you can see all the areas where the hair fails to grow.   Trust me… men who start to loose their hair often say damn!… im just going to have to shave it all off now.   It often works out ok that way though…  

        3. Lee

          Most men who are balding shave their heads because it look silly and make them appear older with just little hair perking from the sides while the top is gone and the front is recessing. I am not attracted to balding men, or men with shaved heads and so is my friend. I make it very clear to men I meet online that I’m not attracted to men who are balding. My friend dated a man online for 5 years..met him once in person. Anyhow, while they were dating, she asked him if he was losing hair and he said no that he went to the doctor and they told him that it was nothing and he felt it was stress and it was growing back. She teased him about going bald in the future and again he said no. She said that 2 years later they met in person and he was almost bald especially in the back and top and she almost turn around and get the next plane to return home. Anyhow, she decided to get to know him in person. To get the the point, this man was so insecure about his male pattern baldness in his father’s genes that he chose TO lie to her about going bald in the future. Did she leave him…NO she said she had already fallen in love with him and still is.

          Speaking about Cupid and many other dating sites, I come to realize that there are men who are not attractive short, balding, punch bellies, boobs, not gromes when it comes to shaving, wearing caps and tasteless clothing, photos backgrounds are not clear) and most of these men in their 50 to 6o are looking for young women in their 20 – 30 and wonder why after becoming involved with these women who are young enough to be their daughters and grands why the relationships DON’T WORK OUT. Now who are they joking…not me. I’m in my 30 and don’t give these ignorant men the time of the day.

          Evan wrote:  Men have a very fair assessment of women’s overall attractiveness. This  doesn’t  mean  that  they’re  not shallow (they are), but rather, that they are  consistent and reasonable in terms of “rating” women’s looks.

          REASONABLE? Under what grounds? If these men are not spiritually  discerned, they are judging these women  based on lust and  the  outward package; and YES because of this, many men and women are passing up their soulmates and don’t even realize it. Fools are we! I look for certain  qualities  while reading a man’s  profile not  the looks.  While  I’m not attracted to  balding  men, I still read their profile to see if they have good qualities. I don’t contact any of them, I only read their profiles IF they contact me. In, general, I don’t contact of flirt with me, I place my profile there and if a man contact me, I chose whether I want to reply or not!

        4. Karmic Equation


          So let me see if I get this straight.

          It’s ok for YOU to discriminate a man’s outward packaging, i.e., balding (which men cannot control) but it’s unfair for men to discriminate against women’s outward packaging.

          I guess you don’t see the hypocrisy in that.

          “Judge not lest ye be judged.” — It’s interesting how most bible thumpers forget this little tidbit from the bible but remember all the stuff about sex and marriage as being between “one man and one woman”.

        5. SparklingEmerald

          Lee said somewhere at 1.1.1…   “I make it very clear to men I meet online that I’m not attracted to men who are balding.I make it very clear to men I meet online that I’m not attracted to men who are balding.

          OK Lee, dating is hard enough for EVERYONE, without making cruel remarks to anyone about their physical attributes. And I don’t care if it’s a physical attribute that can be changed (such as weight or facial hair) or something that can’t be changed   (such as height or balding, or a big nose)

          I am a big wuss about rejecting men to their face, and usually try to be non-commital about a 2nd date if I am not sufficiently attracted to them.   Sometimes it’s a personality trait, but more often than not, it’s a lack of physical attraction.   However, there have been times where I have been pressed for an explanation, either in person, or by e-mail.   I pretty much just give a vague “we’re not a match” or the closest I allude top physical characteristics is “I just didn’t feel enough chemistry” (which is actually a euphemism for I felt ZERO, ZILCH, NADA chemistry).

          I would never tell a man “Sorry I do not go for bald men” (actually I have no problem with bald, and I actually like completely shaved heads).   I don’t even date men if their pictures show a duck dynasty beard, but if they write to me online, I would NOT write back and say “I don’t like your beard”.

          Usually I don’t even respond to men if I am not interested (I used to, but I got tired of men arguing with me by e-mail, so I stopped answering most e-mails if I wasn’t interested)

          There were two cases where I met with men who’s pictures hid a rather unpleasant trait.   One man had some back teeth that literally looked wolf fangs.   It was really hard for me not to stare at those knarly back molars as he talked and the voice inside my head was screaming “OMG, what’s up with those TEETH” and I was wondering if I could hear my inner voice.   He was an extremely sweet man, and I felt terrible when he asked for a second date right then and there, but I just stammered out that I enjoyed meeting with him, thanked him for his time and said we weren’t a match. He was very gentlemanly (unlike some men I’ve turned down) and we shared a nice good bye hug.

          I am so glad to that I am coupled up now, and don’t have to deal with dating.   I absolutely HATED being rejected by a guy I had hopes for, but I hated it MORE to be the one doing the rejecting by a guy who seemed smitten with me.

          I would never pour salt on the wound and tell a guy it was some physical characteristic, because 1.   It is cruel and 2.   It might unnecessarily make him feel “undateable”.   I know women who like physical characteristics that I can’t stand (big bushy beards) and I guess I am outlier, but as a 5’4″ woman I PREFER men under 6 feet, 5’6″ to 5’9″ seems to be my sweet spot.

          So why on earth would a woman want to make a man feel “less than” for a physical characteristic ?   There is probably a woman out there who would think he is TERRIFIC just as he is.

          What would YOU think about a man writing to a woman online and saying he wasn’t attracted to small busted women or women with kinky hair ?


        6. Carlos

          What if I am 46, bald with my head shaved, tall but somewhat over weight by 40 pounds? where does that leave me?

        7. Freida

          I agree. I am not the consolation prize. If the guy is just “giving me a chance” that basically translates to me “yeah – I’d “****” her.

          No thank you. I will date a man and try to get to know him if it seems he has promising characteristics to me. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I dated many handsome, interesting and good men. If somehow the chemistry was not right there was, for me, no point in “giving them a chance”. They could tell too. They could tell I was not really not that into it. Unfortunately a lot of partners will drag things along when it’s really not “right” because they are tired of being alone. This type of thing doesn’t work out in the long run and people’s feelings get hurt.

      2. 1.1.2


        I’m sorry to say .but when it comes to this subject. Sounds like you grew up around sallow girls. And a woman doesn’t choose a man by appearances along. Girls on the other hand does. This is why they end up being lonely. There are women who choose a man, for who that are on the inside . not just the outside. A soul mate comes from within . I use to be a girl, until I learned its not about the outside of a person. They are not happy with themselves. Don’t let anyone take your happiness.

    2. 1.2

      It’s all moot.   This country is circling the bottom of the toilet.   It ain’t going to make it.   Let’s look at reality.   Except for immigration Americans have a birth rate below replacement level.   The average college educated woman views career as number one, and a husband and child as accessories to the career.   When the 3 months maternity leave is over, if not sooner, that accessory-to-career child is going into daycare where he or she will be cared for by a succession of daycare providers, and probably suffer detachment syndrome.   Society has broken down.   The vast majority of Americans are fornicators and adulterers.   The average person has had many sex partners and has a diminished ability to bond with any partner;   ask yourself how many people you know who had sex before marriage with someone other than who they married, are  not divorced?   Superrich control freaks and their useful idiots have doubled the number of homosexuals and transvestites through strategic media and political campaigns.    Sex perverts now haunt women’s restrooms with government and corporate blessing.   Politics, the government bureaucracies, the legislatures, the executive branches, the courts, the Supreme Court (due to a murdered chief justice), academia, K-12 education, and the entertainment and 98% of the mainline (government, CIA-controlled, always-liberal) news media are completely infiltrated and under the control of Satanists and international communist-globalists.   Television has been used since the mid-60s  as a principal tool to completely social-engineer women into what they are.   Darwinism is the state religion.   Christianity is largely in a shambles.   People aren’t sure God even exists, are ignorant of their Christian heritage, can not articulate the Gospel, can’t defend the faith, and don’t even believe in the existence of the fallen angel who plans their temporal and eternal demise.   The leaders of this nation leave it subject to electrical grid attack and 96% starvation in the 18 months after such an attack.   They won’t spend a mere two billion dollars to protect against it.   Under Clinton, Bush, and Obama, foreign spies have so proliferated government, industry, and the military we would have no chance of winning a major war.   Obama is knowingly letting Islamic fighters into this nation, even paying them in, even flying them in.   He gives every evidence of being a Sunni Muslim.   He bows to foreign kings.   Women work because they want a career more than anything else, and because the Fed owner and Congress want them to pay the PITI and income taxes to get it on artificially-inflated very expensive large homes.   Women got the vote and reason, rationality, and logic went out the window.   Politics and government are controlled by the same group of criminals.   The country’s about to be flushed.   The only hope is a national Christian revival.   Forget about dating.

      1. 1.2.2
        What your name is?

        You forgot the following rants:

        1) space aliens – they are probing us!

        2) JFK/ Elvis/ Tupac/ Kurt Cobain – depending on your age, you just know these guys are alive!

        3) Flouride – makes your teeth stronger & is used by the government for mind control.

        4) vaccines – the devils juice or government sponsored threat?

        5) airplane contrails – spraying crazy near you!

        6) closed Walmarts – FEMA camps on isle 3.

        7) kids these days – get off my lawn!

      2. 1.2.3

        This is why you’re single…

        1. pegleg

          no kidding

  2. 2
    Lisa M.

    I read this study about 2 weeks ago.   I have always known that women were just as visual as men.   We always have been.   Although, there has been centuries of attempts in socializing us to ignore our natural tendency to be the visual creatures we are.  

    The study kind of hit home for me because I remember when I was OLD (in which I am planning to try again soon). I was often guilty of rejecting most of the men who contacted me based on their looks alone (I’ll admit that I do this offline as well).   And yes, I was one of those women who only contacted the best looking guys on the site knowing I was competing with many other women for his attention. The crazy thing that I was so commitment phobic at the time that when they would reply   I would freak out and sabotage it somehow out of fear that they could get me to commit. I think that people who have unrealistic expectations for who they are seeking out romantically may have some issues with commit. Or they are just not ready to forge a relationship with anyone. In my case, a few years ago if I had met the guy who possessed every quality I was looking in a man (in terms of looks, personality and social status) showed up, I would have ran in the other direction out of fear.
      I know that fixating on looks alone isn’t the best strategy for finding a mate but if someone doesn’t appeal to me physically from the start in some way it’s hard for me to want to know them in a romantic way.   I’m just being honest here.   I may still have some growing up to do in this.   But don’t get me wrong I am quite realistic about the kind of guy can attract.   On one particular dating site, you have the option of having your pictures evaluated by other members, where you are rated on a scale of 1-10 in terms of looks.   I thought what to heck — let them rate me.   And as I remembered, my average rating was a 9, according to the others members.   Now, I have always been aware of where I rate on the 1-10 scale, so I have always been really picky about men’s looks in which I ‘ll  admit has done me a bit of a disservice over the years.   But I feel like if I can’t date someone on my attractiveness level (another 9) I just won’t be happy with him.   There it is I said it.

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Lisa: And by restricting yourself to other “9’s” (who are often arrogant, narcissistic, players looking for younger women), you have all but sealed your fate.

      Thanks for sharing what so many other women are too embarrassed to say. It’s valuable.

      1. 2.1.1

        Lisa is entitled to her opinion, but a man’s looks were never ever  at the top of my list. I’m an 8.5 but  I”m known as the girl who dates “ugly” guys. None of that matters as long as we connect and he’s a well- rounded person. Of course I want someone who takes care of himself & his appearance but its not that serious. He can’t help how he was born!  I literally get sick to my stomach when people talk about something as superficial as looks. Its idiotic. Looks fade. And the men I date ALWAYS become handsome in my eyes when I see their true character. All pretty women aren’t superficial, guys. We’re rare, but we exist lol.

        1. Matthew

          I call bullshit on this one.

        2. Josh

          That’s nice to know, supposedly I’m an 8 but I don’t ever get girls looking at me. I know its not particularly manly to want girls to look at you but once in a blue moon would make my day.

        3. guest

          I am also that girl.

        4. Freida

          I dated many guys that were not most women’s idea of handsome.

          I was very cute when I was younger and am still not bad looking for my age. I also take very good care of myself – excercise, good diet, trim figure. I am not a superficial person.

          I have been treated well by some handsome men (also good education, good income, well groomed) and badly by others.

          And I have been treated well by “not too handsome” guys (out of shape, not well put together) and badly by others.

          It takes time to get to know what a person and discover what they are all about.

      2. 2.1.2

        I can honestly say that if I was forced to choose between being single for the rest of my life or being married to a man I was not physically attracted to, I would rather be single.   What am I supposed to do, force myself to be attracted to a man if I’m just not, just because it’s the “right” thing to do?   I think that would lead to a disastrous, miserable relationship if I was “guilt tripped” into being with a guy whom I found unattractive (even if was wonderful on the inside).   I would dread having sex and make excuses not to do it.

        1. Jewels

          Hi Crystal, I totally agree with you. I am in my 30s and definitely feel the crunch of less men on dating sites being remotely interested, I think I am about an 8.5 in looks. A lot of the guys I tried to date when I was in my 20s were disrespectful jerks, and some were even cruel. So I never found anyone…all of the sudden I feel more and more faced with the real prospect of a life without a partner. I never really had much relationship experience overall, because guys were so non committal etc…anyways, it is very difficult to make yourself try to desire someone physically whom you just do not…even when they are most wonderful. I suppose partner love does not find each and every one of us. And so be it!

        2. Ang

          I am so with you on this one, Cynthia!   I’d rather be single than to be with someone that I am not physically attracted to.   Clearly, what’s on the inside is what’s most important to me, but you have to like what’s on the outside first.   When I look at pics, I always ask myself:   “Would I kiss those lips?”   If the answer is no, I move on.   Not settling for someone that’s just “meh” to me, even if I am in my 50s — rather be alone.   I also agree about the sex:   how can you have sex with someone if there is no spark?

        3. J

          I don’t think a woman’s first bluff on physical attraction is any indicator to how satisfied she would be with sex life with a man. Otherwise all of the overweight and ugly players we’ve all met and loved wouldn’t be able to do what they do. Also anytime you see a hot girl with a less attractive man (see: goddamn everywhere) your point would become weaker.

          I think it’s more that women get a lot of attention on dating sites and thus are more selective based on physical looks alone. They can afford to have unrealistic goals on dating sites. In real life after having actually talked to one of these guys they’d probably change their tune. Thing is, they’re not going to talk to them. They already have a torrent of messages coming in anyhow.

      3. 2.1.3

        Ya being female sucks. If we dont choose wisely when we are young, choices are slim when we are just a little older – no matter how “hot” we are. its all relative when the hot men are age can easily choose between us and a woman 10-20 years younger. I am not embarassed to admit this truth, but I am feeling really heartbroken over it. I am in my late 30s and trying to decide whether Ill be happier as a cat lady or the other half of a man Ill never want to have sex with. -Depressed

        1. CT

          You see nothing in between those extremes? No value in the really fit and healthy guy who runs marathons with cool hobbies who happens to be bald or have one eye slightly higher than the other? (I’m basically describing myself, lol).

          I think you should relax and give more guys a chance. There is not some yawning chasm between attractive and unattractive, there are a lot of men in between those extremes of perfect features and imperfect features.

          From my experience, I often see guys with big guts and terrible habits (smoking, drinking nightly) who happen to have nice facial features and heads of hair with very lovely girls, but rarely do I see them with guys who have strong, healthy bodies if those guys lack in the facial features department.

          Having a beard helps detract from the baldness, I like to think, but nothing is going to make my face more symmetrical.

        2. Jes

          Because “hot” for a feemale is all about money. I would consider myself an 8.5 throughout my twenties and most of my thirties. Now I am 41 and more like an 8 but it still doesn’t matter. For true love I still hold firmly to the belief that there has to be strong chemistry between BOTH man and woman, however, I see many many attractive women going out with average-ugly men just for money. Too many prostitutes in modern society for a good and honest and attractive (that is somewhat picky when it comes to looks and won’t date obese-overweight women) man to be successful in the area of romance.   It boils down to a severe lack of good looking women with good taste to match in men.

      4. 2.1.4

        Just out of curiosity, do you give the same advice to men, too?

        Or are they allowed to be shallow because it is “in their nature”?

  3. 3

    I’m surprised that the women surveyed find 80% of the men on the site below average. Are these men particularly unattractive or is there some new  higher standard for average? Maybe it has something to do with the men’s pictures – they look average in person, but submit below average pic’s?

    Ageing I’ve found is a great leveler. I haven’t found that many men over 40 “attractive”. Even fewer over 50. The ones I find “unattractive” are the guys missing teeth and the old hippies with long, thin grey hair tied back in a ponytail. All the rest look “average” to me. This is okay though because it’s where the “grow on you” part comes in. When you can no longer evaluate foremost on looks, you get better about evaluating on character. 🙂

    1. 3.1

      Just because OKCupid owners say this is what the results mean, doesn’t mean that this is true. Many women commented on their original article about how their process for “judging” was not based solely on looks. The guys, being guys I guess, just assumed that they were. Many of us rate guys based on their likely matching with us individually. The reason women do that is because if we rate a guy highly, and we’re remotely attractive, he WILL contact us. So many of us reserve the highest ratings for the men we both find attractive AND find likely to be a match for us. Do you think most people are rating to be as accurate as possible for the OKCupid algorithm to collect correct data, or is it more likely that most women are thinking in terms of the best strategy for themselves? If you both rate each other similarly high, you’ll be sent a notification – if you’re both sent the notification, the guy will contact you. I find it baffling that no one sees this obvious fact in discussing this.  

      1. 3.1.1

        That statement sounds 100% true, Sondra really nailed it on the head.

        1. Dave

          I’d like to add something to what I said earlier. The value in okcupid’s survey is not that this is representative of the dating Female/Males of America, or that it expresses the criteria men and women involved in those surveys used to rate others. The value of this survey is in the conversation it has started, look at all these comments, I’ve read all of these comments, and I find the humanity in each and everyone of them and I find it beautiful, I want to thank every single person who has left a comment about this topic, thank you for sharing a piece of yourself.

      2. 3.1.2

        OK cupid looks to be owned by liars and pimps from what I have gathered.   … it’s not really free even anymore.

    2. 3.2

      I’ve been on okcupid and I can tell you that the men on this site are generally less attractive than the paid sites or even tinder. So in this sense the study may be a bit flawed.

      1. 3.2.1

        From another Lisa I totally agree with you!   Men are not very good looking on okcupid as compared to the other sites and tinder.

        1. Krystal

          You are right! The men on okcupid are hideous liars about their weight, height, and give you pictures that are either blurry or far away!

      2. 3.2.2
        Karmic Equation

        I think OKC delivers images to you of men in your league. So if you find the men unattractive, it’s because you’re not considered attractive by others in OKC.

        I had personal experience in this when I was OLD.

        I decided to do OLD and had only ONE picture that I liked (and it was still not very good, imo. I’m not photogenic at all and hate myself in pictures).

        Anyway, when I used this picture on OKC, the pictures of the men I was shown on OKC were 5’s or lower.

        A few weeks later, I managed to get some very flattering pictures taken.

        All of a sudden the men I was shown on OKC were 7 and aboves.

        My profile was the same. The only difference was in my pictures. I was average in the first picture. And I was very attractive in the second set of pictures.

        So if you’re on OKC, and the men’s pics you are shown are not attractive, it could be OKC considers you to be in the same league as the men who’s pics were shown to you.

        1. SQ

          I think it’s based on who is looking at your profile and commonalities. In other words when you posted better pictures, more men looked at your profile and you got more matches, which invariably will give you a better selection to work with.

          I highly doubt OKC has come up with an algorithm to determine whether a picture can be deemed un/attractive to “most people.”

        2. Karmic Equation

          It’s not based on “commonalities,” SQ. I didn’t change anything in my profile except my pictures.

          So whatever I had in common with the attractive men when I was deemed unattractive by OKC (staff or algorithm) were the same as when I was deemed more attractive.

          I believe I read that this was something that OKC did. Whether they had people setting the preliminary rankings or whether it was some computer based algorithm, I don’t know.

          But for sure, the more attractive my pic was, the better looking options were presented to me; the less attractive my pic, the less attractive were presented to me, and I assume mine to them.


        3. Shaukat

          It’s not based on an algorithm and it’s not based on the staff’s evaluation of your pics. It’s determined by how other users rank you  using the  star and like option. If more “attractive” people rank you high or like you then they’ll show up in your matches and vice versa. The co-founder stated this is how it works.

          I have to say though, it’s been a mixed bag for me. Some of the ladies that show up in my matches and feed within my age range (27-36) I would rate as 8.5, others…well you know:) The point is that since it’s based on how other users are rating you it’s not exactly an objective science. and as KE mentioned, the outcome is greatly influenced by the type of pics you put up.

        4. SQ

          Even less likely. But whatever.

        5. Karmic Equation

          “It’s determined by how other users rank you  using the  star and like option.”

          That sounds like the logical thing, Shaukat, however, I’m still not convinced.

          Here’s why.

          OKC used to have (or maybe still has? I haven’t been on in in almost 2 years) a “mutual match” notification. (Don’t remember what they called it exactly). Where if I rated a guy high and he rated me high (4 or 5), then we were both sent a message that we  found each other mutually attractive.

          If that were the case, then the new guys that appeared in my feed whom I would then rank 4 or 5 if I thought I wanted to meet them would have had to have ranked ME 4 or 5 first so that once I ranked them 4 or 5, we would both be sent the mutual match notification.

          I don’t recall that happening with the more attractive men that ended up in my feed. They appeared. I ranked them high. I did NOT get the mutual match notification on the majority of them, which meant my ranking them high was the BEFORE they ranked me, not  after they had ranked me.

          So what this COULD mean is that the 3 and belows were ranking ME high (as 4 or higher), inflating my attractiveness value, but they, because they were rated 3 or lower by others, didn’t appear (as often) in my feed as the other men who were 4 and above, aka “in my league” as defined by the lower-rated, but perhaps larger majority, of men?

          Hard to explain. Hope you can summarize better for me, Adrian or Shaukat 🙂 You both seem to be able to understand  my complex explanations and then condense into a few sentences without losing my meaning 🙂

        6. Adrian

          Hi Karmic Equation,

          I   understand you, and it’s an interesting theorem. If a hundred 4s ranked you with 5 stars as hot, then your picture will be more popular and therefore displayed to the 7s and above, even though you are only a  6 in looks, you are still super  hot to the 4s.


          But because of the lack of high ratings of the 4s, their pictures aren’t circulated as much or at the very least, their pictures aren’t displayed to the more highly voted members. As much as Evan writes about profiles, it’s the picture that really matters… in the beginning.


          In your opinion are women like men when it comes to pictures? What I mean is, would women write, or reply to men who have nothing written in their profiles but have great pictures? I know we guys do it all the time; I’ve heard of women with only 3 sentences in their profiles getting over a thousand messages from guys.

        7. Karmic Equation

          Hi Adrian,

          Thanks for the condensed version recap. Exactly what I meant!

          As to your question:

          “In your opinion are women like men when it comes to pictures? What I mean is, would women write, or reply to men who have nothing written in their profiles but have great pictures? I know we guys do it all the time; I’ve heard of women with only 3 sentences in their profiles getting over a thousand messages from guys.”

          In one of Evan’s recordings (not one of the current Love U ones, but maybe something from his recorded Focus Coaching calls maybe — can’t remember for sure), he mentioned that most of the women he coached would “favorite” the same type of guy, handsome, chiseled abs, who had nothing in common with them. “But he said he has a dog, Evan…” would be their justification. That’s good enough for me! I have 3 rescues myself. lol

          Anyway, if we go by Evan’s experience alone, women who do NOT take advantage of Evan’s coaching services, which is the majority of women on dating sites, yes, they rank on looks alone first. The women who DO take advantage of Evan’s services are probably a little more realistic, although, even though they SAY they take into account a man’s profile when they rank a man, I’m sure that’s b.s.

          However, if women DO initiate contact with a man, she probably would NOT initiate it with a man with a 3 sentence profile, no matter how how. Unless she was a bimbo, or desperate.

          That said, the man whom I dated casually for about a year, who also became my personal trainer, initiated contact with me, and had a really poor profile. Probably 30 words total, I swear.

          However, he was one of the smartest men I had ever dated. Very good at debating and verbally stating his position and convincing to his way of thinking, because he was so logical. Taught me how to love chess as he was an afficionado.

          He complained that he had very few replies to his messages. I never told him (until we stopped dating casually) that his profile just sucked. He was very handsome, fit, smart, articulate, driven. None of which was reflected in his profile. A definite 10 if he were taller than 5’7″ 🙂 I told him he was only a 9 because he didn’t crack 6 ft. “A whole point because I’m not 6 feet?” “Yup, a full point deduction,” I replied.

          While he was unsuccessful in OLD, he was very successful dating via Tinder. Very photogenic dude but not much of a writer, so Tinder was perfect for him.

  4. 4

    @Selena – yes – many men I have found are “lazy” about submitting attractive pics! One guy I actually dated had a photo that made him look a like a rather unsavoury inmate but the fact that I actually did go on a date with him was down to his engaging email and telephone personality/manner

    1. 4.1

      As someone who is incredibly un-photogenic, I think I can agree with this one, It took me hours of searching to find 3 pretty bad pictures of myself so I wouldn’t rush to the conclusion that they are lazy, perhaps they just don’t have any good photos.

  5. 5

    Agree with Selena and Cecilia, I had the same thought as I was reading the article – maybe 80% of men on dating sites really do come across as unattractive, because of the photos they submit (basically, most guys post whatever the cat dragged in – squinting against the sun, zombie hands on their shoulders because they’d cut someone out of the picture, etc etc)? Recently, a guy wanted to meet me in person that I was very reluctant to go on a date with, because in his picture he looked – I kid you not – like a serial killer. It was a close up of a really dark, angry face, corners of his mouth turned down. The guy seriously looked like he was dismembering someone at the moment his picture was taken. In the end, I chose to meet at a crowded place on an early Saturday afternoon… and the guy looked nothing like his picture. Last I checked, he still has this scary photo on his profile. Guess guys don’t care as much as we do.
    I agree, a statement like “women rate 80% of all men as below average-looking” shows women as pretty brainless – dumb chicks cannot even divide 100 by 2 without getting an 80 – so on the surface, it is easy to laugh off. But I have no problem believing that 80% of dating-site male photos really do look worse than an average male does in real life. Of course, the take-away for me is not to put much trust into profile photos, rather than “only email the 10% that managed to look well in their pictures” – now that is silly.

    1. 5.1

      1 it is human nature and biology two studies have been done basically every one was made to be palin as possible make up remove hair pulled back in a bunny suit one group had random no.s on their foreheads lower numbers went to their higher number the photos of before and after were extremely different 2 woman upload bad photos everything from bathroom selfies to extremely graphic . As a man who grew up in a conservative household and the 70’s and I am aware of the feminist movement what I fail to understand is A why do women think that long distance relationship will work and B why do they expose themselves in such a manner for free if they’re willing to expose themselves why not get paid for doing so

    2. 5.2

      I find that 99% of men aren’t good looking Unless you meet them in real life. I find chemistry plays a bigger role for women then it does men. I’ll find someone unattractive from across a room but then be attracted to them when they stand next to me. The guy I just started seeing has long blonde hair down to his shoulders and a hair line that could match Patrick Stewart and some serious tooth decay in his front two teeth But I find him attractive most the time but sometimes I look over at him and have to do a double take because I forget what he looked like. I know I’d find him serious hot, Like Chris hemsworth level of hot, if he shaved his head and fixed his teeth…(I’m attracted to Viking men with beards and don’t care if they’re bald or fat as long as they’re tall) I’m am a 5’10” woman with big bones and muscle. I can out lift most of the guys I know that work out and   I’ve never seen the inside of the gym. My problems with men is they find me intimidating or the ones I find attractive have self esteem issues because they listen to men and women who know nothing about relationships and feel like they’ll never be good looking enough. If you think women find balding men unattractive then you need to Google hottest men in Hollywood. Vin diesel, Jason Statham, the rock, ‘ll cool j and so many more. When a women or man complains about the opposite sex always being shallow I’d like to point out, shallow people are often attracted to shallow people And you just have bad taste.

  6. 6
    Lisa M.

    I’m often surprised that most of what I write even gets published here. Thanks for allowing me to share.
    Although, I may be not be speaking for all women, I know that most (not all but most) women think and feel this way.   And yes, most of us are too embarrassed admits these things publicly.   Thank god for the interwebs.
    I really should rethink the only dating 9’s thing.   That’s going to be difficult.
    I really need help, don’t I?

  7. 7
    Flower White

    Sigh. I deleted my OK Cupid account… saving up for Evan’s services 🙂

    1. 7.1
      Dean Murphy

      Ok cupid is just like all the others. Full of fat women or unrealistic ones. Don’t waste your time.

  8. 8

    It’s true that a lot of men aren’t very smart with their profile photos. Which just adds to the issues already being discussed.

  9. 9

    I read — and have read — A LOT of women’s profiles — and most women seem to be describing — in terms of looks — the SAME guy — a very George Clooney / Jon Hamm type guy — 6 feet plus, head of hair (no matter what age), athletic, handsome (“I want to feel goosebumps when he walks into a room” etc.).

    I live on the Westside of LA and I rarely, rarely see any guys who come close to that type — I just came back from NYC and didn’t see any guys who looked like that…. I went to Woodland Hills and there was only ONE guy I saw at a two hour outdoor concert who didn’t look like Shrek — and he was maybe an “8”…. I think that all these women want the same three guys…

    When I write to women in my “look range” (cute quirky girls, cute plain Janes — I, myself, fluctuate btwn a 7.2 and an 8.1), my odds are about the same if I write to a “8 to an 9”)

    1. 9.1

      My experience exactly.   I should stop watching TV…shows like The Young & the Restless for instance…the problem is that the concentration of   attractive people on some television programs gives a false impression that the world is full of attractive people at every turn. Then you go to the grocery store and it’s full of people who should be on the Biggest Loser and would be rated a a 1 to 3 out of 10 on the attractive-ness scale.

      1. 9.1.1

        david and caroline, both of your posts are right on.
        I have been on OKC for a while, and I see this exact thing happening.

        Women are always reading romance novels that feature an unrealistically hot guy on the front cover, or daytime soaps where only the hottest actors are hired, then they seem to get the false impression that all good guys are supposed to look like that.   When in fact the vast majority of guys do not.

        I did a non-scientific test myself a while ago on OKC where I changed my search to men, and then compared my photos to their photos.
        Both myself and a friend agreed that I was in the 7 range compared to the other men, and while I do well on OKC, I typically get little response from the 9 and 10 women, and a large response from the average and below average women.

        1. Amy

          DeeGee, guys have this issue too. Men, would look at reality stars like Kim Kardashian or singers like Beyonce, and have this fantasy that most women look like that. If the women do appear attractive and he is balding, overweight, unemployed and unattractive, he expects a super model to love him back. Why on earth would someone who takes good care of themselves, settles for a man that doesn’t? He needs to search for a woman who’s balding, overweight, unemployed, and unattractive like he is. Then, that way, he will not be disappointed and blame all women being shallow. He is being just as shallow! Guys can be so shallow and hypocritical online. They don’t want an overweight and ugly woman (but he is) but expects an attractive woman who cares for herself, to settle with him. Whatever! We as women are supposed to get the bums while these men get queens? I want an attractive guy just as much as a man wants an attractive woman.

      2. 9.1.2

        And there is the number one problem with women TV! Why do you women watch that garbage? Every guy who is tall is not mr perfect. You shun short men yet some of the greatest men on earth where short. You consider us having bad attitudes but guess who gives us those attitudes? Discriminate much?

        1. Kayla

          What about all the porn guys watch full of teenage girls with fake boobs and hair who supposedly love threesomes and anal sex? Doesn’t that also create unrealistic expectations?

        2. Mr. Debonair

          To Kayla (Below):

          That was a very  amusing comment to say the least. As a very single but average looking 50ish 6 foot male, probably  earning  a sexual attractiveness rating of  5 or 6  issued by  attractive women who  are a  9 or 10 themselves,  but I do in fact have all my dark hair and I’m not over weight by any measure, but  I do in fact watch  a lot of porn but not obsessively.  I  must admit  my  expectations of    women who I meet and date are probably a bit jaded because of the exaggerated images created by porn. But nonetheless  just to let you know, I  would happily  trade in a heartbeat all of my threesome fantasies with a woman who has a rating of 3 or 4 for some very consistent good old fashion  anal intercourse  any day of the week.   Nothing makes a woman fall in love with a below average looking guy faster than pleasurable, orgasmic anal intercourse.

  10. 10

    The top echelon of men don’t really need / use on line dating. The distribution is skewed to begin with.

    1. 10.1

      I’ve said this all along. But where are they? Cheating on their spouses most likely.   As far as the microscopic number of men that are ‘attractive’ that are on ‘on line’ dating sites, I have discovered (yes I have evidence) that many of these ‘somewhat’ attractive men are decoys that are planted by the on line site (in order to avoid looking like a cauldron of   ‘average’ to ‘below average’ members).   It is deceitful at best and criminal at worst for the sites that charge money.   My evidence was that once I saw an ‘attractive’ guy’s profile on His profile was all about how he was widow and how his kids had encouraged him to ‘get out into the dating world again’…I wrote to the decoy and called him out on being a decoy. He (whomever was answering the message) denied it.   Then I went to the grocery store and saw the same profile photo in an advertisement for a bank.   I wish someone would investigate this…members are getting taken…

    2. 10.2

      sharon, then you are saying that the top echelon of women do need to use online dating?
      So then who are the top echelon of men dating not online?   5’s at the local bar?
      Or are dating sites strictly for lower class men to try to date up?

      How can there be top women online without a similarly equal group of top men online on dating sites?

      As I stated in a comment above, I personally feel that most women are unrealistic in their concept of male looks, since they are so used to seeing hunks on romance novels and tv soaps.   Of which 99.9% of men in the world do not look like.
      The vast majority of guys that I talk to would be more happy to be dating a “girl next door” than a supermodel or actress.
      If I could choose an actress I am attracted to and would love to meet, I would without hesitation say Kristen Wiig.
      Ask any woman the same, and they will almost always say Chris Hemsworth, George Clooney, Ryan Reynolds, Charlie Hunnam, etc.
      I really doubt most people would consider Kristen a 10 (I do), but most will agree that Chris et al are considered 10s.   This only solidifies my point.

    3. 10.3

      The same is true of the women.

    4. 10.4

      Sharon, you are correct, but I’ll clarify your statement even further: Instead of saying “top echelon,” I’ll say that men and women who are generally considered to be attractive, who have reasonably outgoing personalities, no major social, emotional or psychological issues, don’t really need online dating. Now that is a very true statement.

      I’m well aware that this will offend many people, but from my experience it appears to be true. I’ve tried it in the past, and I was amazed by how many men need professional help, aren’t capable of adult romantic relations, aren’t capable of treating another human being with respect — the list goes on and on. I don’t think the majority of the women up there are much different.

      A lot of people who use dating websites and apps have skewed perceptions, which is why they are single. As was mentioned here by many people, they think they can pick the most attractive person they want, without taking into consideration their own attractiveness, level of mental and emotional health, level of personal development and other qualities. People who are preoccupied with searching for a mate are devoting less time to self-development and any issues that need to be addressed, and are therefore remaining in stasis in many ways. While other healthy people are growing and changing, these types remain the same.

  11. 11
    lux aeterna

    You don’t have to publish this, it’s just for info: Your ‘like’ button doesn’t work on my Mac running Firefox.

  12. 12

    I think this problem is far worse in online dating than in other situations. In “real life,” we might admire the 9 or 10 but probably would never approach them, while online, everyone seems to think they have a shot.
    After a short time online dating, I quickly got over evaluating guys based on their photos, because they ALWAYS looked so much better in person. Besides, even though I need to be attracted to my mate, I also realize that the attraction won’t be based just on looks; I’ve gotta have the whole package!
    So, in my world, average-looking guys who seem intelligent and show themselves to have the important qualities like loyalty and integrity quickly become a 10. But then, I’m old, and have never been particularly superficial, so probably not representative of anything.

  13. 13

    Evan, I have my own theory about why this is (and I had read this okcupid blog post before).

    If you give someone 4 or 5 stars, it sends them an email saying “Someone finds you attractive, play quickmatch” and it flashes up a bunch of users for you to rate.   If I want the guy’s attention, I will give him 4 stars but if I think he is an attractive guy, but he is… too young/old or has clearly expressed different goals, then I will only give him 3 stars.   Even if he has 5 star looks.

    I don’t think I am the only female I know to do this, as I have heard friends say the same.

  14. 14

    I feel I’ve had more issues with men not looking as good as their photos, then with my own pickiness. When this happens, usually it’s because the photos are 10-15 years old, or the man has gained quite a bit of weight sine the photo was taken. And i agree with the poster who said that many of the most attractive and eligible men I’ve known don’t really use online dating.  

  15. 15

    I see what this post is getting at, but looks are so incredibly subjective, especially when you add in factors like race/ethnicity, height, etc… Secondly, I don’t believe that men’s ratings of women are “fair”. Fair according to who’s standards? It reminds of me of that bogus story about black women’s level of attractiveness that was recently posted on the Psychology Today website. The article was so offensive and off base that they took it down within 24 hours of posting it.

    Trying to date and match yourself with someone according to a likert scale just seems arbitrary to me, just because one woman think’s a man is a “10” doesn’t mean I’m going to think so. I think it’s good to approach a cross-section of men, even the ones who you don’t think are your type because someone might surprise you.

    1. 15.1
      Johnny Boy

      I tried dating outside my type twice. Neither time worked. It’s pretty much “hit or miss” as most people have a “type” for a reason I suspect.

      Fortunately, I didn’t experience anything like this guy did:
      On the flip side, through my experiences it more so just solidified the reason I have a type and why other types generally haven’t worked for me.


  16. 16

    I didn’t have much success initially with OLD for this exact reason… looking too hard at the pictures. I agree with all of those who say that most men on OLD sites usually have terrible pictures, and often look a lot better in person. I think women are more likely to put their best photos on the sites, and sometimes even go and get a professional or semi-professional picture taken… while men rarely take a professional photo for anything unless it’s work-related!
    I dropped my need to find super-duper attractive types when I got back out there… as long as he was physically attractive to ME, that was all that mattered, and I knew from experience that a lot of other factors could play into my overall estimation of attractiveness.
    Everyone who meets my husband say he’s totally not my usual type. And it’s true, he’s not… but seeing that my usual type never exactly worked out for long-term relationships, why then was I so ready to cling to that?
    I never got into OKCupid though. I think that site has TOO many little tests and ratings that make it more likely that you’ll pass on a potential Mr. or Miss Right.

  17. 17

    Online dating is an alternate reality where a great catch is just an email away.   You can filter prospective suitors by religion, race, education, looks, and profession while praying that members who make the cut are not so selective.     You can write two sentences because that’s all most websites require.   You can join a website without paying or you can mollify a concerned parent by accepting a gift membership. Your search can yield dozens of singles and you can ignore the thousands who were filtered out.   If you are an educated professional in the urban northeast, you can ignore the demographics.   Awesome singles who live hundreds of miles away become potential partners at the exclusion of blah singles who live five miles away.   You can “date” without leaving the house.     If you are unsuccessful, you can just lower lower your standards a smidgen because the frustrated masses want “above average”.

  18. 18

    Well, I’ve personally been out with all types of guys, tall, short, fat, balding, thin. atheltic…yada yada yada…I am attracted to a wide range of guys for different reasons. I have also rejected tall, short, fat, balding, thin, athetlic guys. I personally think men have a more scewed view of women and their looks. And if a guy doesn’t have the super hot Maxim model woman he thinks he deserves, you can bet your butt he will spend the rest of his life with his sweet normal regular girl and lusting after the super hot Maxim model girl he thinks he deserves until the day he dies. Depressing but true. So if you are a regular attractive girl that isn’t super hot, you’re pretty much screwed either way.

    1. 18.1

      I agree! I have a hard time believing that most men who are dating a 7 wouldn’t pass her up for a 9 or 10 if they could get it, (provided the 9 or 10 had other good qualities, of course). I feel that men are always going to be open to something better!   I do hope that when a good man falls in love, he would pass up a more attractive woman if one showed interest in him… I don’t know though. I hate knowing that as a 7, I’ll always have to live in fear of this.

      1. 18.1.1

        We don’t call these men but instead call them boys. Anyone who is dating and would ditch their partner for someone else is an ass.

        My advice, don’t settle. They should interest you and want to have great conversation with you. If they treat it as fun and games then it is just a game to them

        It took awhile but finally a really amazing lady contacted me on okCupid.
        (Oddly she worried about being ditched for someone else as it had happened to her) but I don’t roll that way and we hit the one year mark in a few weeks.

      2. 18.1.2

        The stats don’t agree with you. Most relationships are ended by the female. 2/3 of marriages are. Women seem to be more eager to trade up.

    2. 18.2

      JerseyGirl, I disagree.
      You must be hanging out with too many players (which makes up only a small portion of men).
      As I mentioned in a comment above, pretty much every guy that I know would rather be dating a “girl next door” types than a supermodel or actress types.

  19. 19

    Trenia #15

    I also noticed that in the photo examples posted in the article, no one was over 30, and there were no people of color.

    And it seems somewhat paradoxical to me that if men have such “realistic” and “fair” standards for women’s attractiveness, they are mostly contacting only the most attractive women.

    1. 19.1

      I completely agree. If this study were done correctly, it would have been a broader cross section age wise and maybe even “hot” guys with bad pics. Looks are part of the whole picture. A “hot” guy who posts something like “Ask me what you want to know” or even worse, something like aaaaarrrksss555ssss has already shown himself to be wrong for me. It’s like someone saying go ahead and contact me because I’m attractive…you know you want to. Whatever. I’m 48 and back OLD after a year or so hiatus. It’s fun and I take it with a grain of salt. I mutually engage in great conversations with the opposite sex IRL very easily. No one seems to have the courage to ask me out though. I talk with men who are interesting…ant attractive because of that. I admit really long beards are something I can’t get past, but I’m sure I have physical traits that they can’t either.

  20. 20
    Ms Maz

    Maybe something’s just wrong with me? Generally speaking, if someone is interested in me and seems to have enough in common with me (in terms of future plans, beliefs, morals, et al), I’ll go out with him. I’ve never turned someone down for a date unless the guy made me feel uncomfortable, initially (and maybe that wasn’t fair of me, I’ll admit).

    None of the guys I’ve dated look anything like one another, as I’m not so much interested in a “look” or a “type” as I am who they are. A lot of my girlfriends will wonder why I’m with a guy because they’ll think he is “ugly” or “unattractive” or “not in my league.” But a guy’s looks haven’t  ever been the top attribute I seek when searching for a partner.

    I’m more of the girl next door type, so  I’d rather  be with  a good hearted, fun loving, respectful caring man — and if he happens to be a 9 or 10, whatever. I’m not all that pressed. My boyfriend and I are kind of an odd looking couple by “conventional standards.” I am tall and thin, he is shorter and chubby — people compare him to Zach Galifianakis in terms of looks. But he’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and he makes me laugh constantly and treats me well.  Because of  those reasons, he’s sexy to me.    Isn’t that all that matters? I love him to bits and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. Not George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or whoever is popular these days. I’ve kind of stopped caring about what media influences  are telling me is “hot.”

    Maybe  that’s part of the problem with people’s expectations in a partner’s looks  (media influences, I mean)?

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