I Never Wanted Kids But I’m Falling For A Woman With A Child and Rethinking Everything. Help!

I Never Wanted Kids But I'm Falling For A Woman With A Child And Rethinking Everything

I’m a 38-year old, single male, never been married and have had a handful of serious long-term relationships (2 years being the longest), a lot of short term-dating and over 100 dates that didn’t go beyond a first date. I have been on a dating website on and off for almost 11 years, probably a total of 7. Point being, I haven’t had the most success with online dating or blind dates that friends have tried to set me up on. Recently I met a girl who I have been dating for almost 2 months and she is wonderful. She is down to earth, funny, smart, ambitious, independent, kind and extremely attractive and I mean very, very, very gorgeous.

Our chemistry is off the charts but my favorite part about her is being able to relax and enjoy the moment because as serious as she is about the direction of her professional life, she is able to appreciate the simple moments and humor in life. We haven’t had the exclusive talk yet. Although since I began seeing her, I haven’t been using any of the dating websites I have been on and I am not interested in dating more women to explore my options. Which I am sure says a lot about how I feel for this woman and the direction I am looking to go with her. Also, I will not neglect to mention that she is 23 years old and that isn’t even the issue. I was reluctant and skeptical at first but as I get to know her more, the age isn’t even anything I think about.

The issue here is her child. She has a 3 1/2 year old son. I have made the conscious decision of not dating anybody with any children because I don’t want to deal with the other parent or become part of that responsibility. I understand how much of an asshole that makes me sound like, but after meeting this woman, I am so torn. More specifically, my question is should I give up on this woman because she has a kid? A hard rule I had but now am questioning for this one woman. I have been on dates with other women before who have had children and I chose not to continue to pursue any of them. The thing is, the other women also lacked qualities I was looking for or the chemistry was never strong to begin with. So here I am. I finally found a great girl that I am very much falling for, am sometimes catching myself thinking about the future with her, but now I’m re-evaluating everything all because of her kid. Am I pulling what you refer to (and sorry if I mess this up) as a “blackjack 20”? P.S. She and her ex have 50/50 custody and are very civilized and get along just fine. Thanks in advance!


I rarely take questions from guys, but I thought this was a curious role-reversal.

Put a woman’s name after this question and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference (apart from the “very, very, very gorgeous” line).   So, Tim, you’re gonna get the same annoying logical treatment that all of our female readers get. Sorry about that, but, well, that’s what you get for submitting a question here.

You’re in fantasyland. This isn’t even your girlfriend yet. She is hope, fantasy, projection and potential.

Let’s begin with what’s wrong with this situation:

  1. You’re 15 years older than she is. That’s a half-generation. You’re close to my age. She was born in 1991. You’ve been an adult since she was 6. So let’s make something clear: she is not your peer. This is not to say that your relationship is “wrong” or “gross” or “impossible,” but rather that it faces its own set of obstacles given how much life experience and wisdom you’ve incurred as an adult, and how little she’s had as a 23-year-old. Put it this way: if I were single again, I wouldn’t even talk to anybody under the age of 34. She may be cute, she may be smart, she may have great potential — but she’s not going to be my peer. You know that brains are still developing until you’re 25 — and until then, you’re more prone to emotional, poorly thought-out, short-term decision making? That’s how she ended up with a kid at age 19.
  2. You’re in fantasyland. This isn’t even your girlfriend yet. She is hope, fantasy, projection and potential. You are thinking about her as your future wife because you’re excited about her, not because this is a real relationship yet. You are in the attraction phase of your relationship right now. Enjoy it. Because it does not last forever. In general, it lasts for 18-36 months. Call me then and let me know if you feel the same exact way about her. Not to be cynical, but I’d be shocked if you did.
  3. Did I mention that she’s not even your girlfriend yet? Oh, I did? I should probably mention that again. I’m sure she’s spectacular, Tim, but you’re putting the cart way before the horse. Statistically speaking — not based on you as an individual — the odds that she’s your girlfriend by the end of the year are low. For you to worry about her being a single mom is nothing if not premature. You have 2-3 years to worry about whether you want to take things to the next level. That’s what dating is for. To figure out if you both have what it takes in the long run.

I know, I know, I haven’t even answered your question yet. That’s because I was sort of saving the kicker for the end:

  1. How do you know that she’s going to want to marry you? You’re 38 and your friends are mostly married. You’re ready to settle down. Are you sure that this 23-year-old WANTS you as her boyfriend, much less her husband, much less the stepfather to her son? Are you sure she doesn’t want to get an education, focus on her job and her independence, play the field for a few years, and then focus on marriage in her 30’s? Obviously, I’m just speculating here, but your question is predicated on the fact that it’s all up to you whether you assume the role of stepfather.

Just enjoy your relationship, get her to commit to you, and see where things go organically.

What I hope I’ve pointed out is that this isn’t entirely your decision, and it’s literally the last thing you should worry about right now. How about you just enjoy your relationship, get her to commit to you, and see where things go organically. Sooner or later, you’ll discover if you’re truly compatible in the long-term — or if, as I suspect, you’re just infatuated with the hot single mom in the short-term.

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  1. 1

    Am I pulling what you refer to (and sorry if I mess this up) as a “blackjack 20”³
    Sorry dude, but if you don’t want kids, and she already has one, then she isn’t a blackjack 20. More like a blackjack 15 where it can literally go either way. A blackjack20 is a slam dunk decision. A blackjack 15 makes you agonize what to do. The fact you are asking, makes it seem like you are agonizing.  

  2. 2

    While it does appear, per what Tim said, that the little boy’s father is present and involved, he’d still better throttle back a bit and take into consideration how things will affect the child. Not that Tim’s needs and wants or even the mom’s needs and wants are not to be considered but the child and what will be best *for him* come first.    It’s easy, especially with off the charts chemistry, as Tim puts it, for that to rule and we just kind of expect the kids to go along with and adjust to what we want.   I’m not saying Tim should not date this girl. I would agree with what Evan says but just also add to be very careful how the child is affected.   If the relationship goes forward it’s a package deal.  

  3. 3

    It sounds like Tim needs to get to know the girlfriend much better and eventually spend time with she and her child. There is no real way to know if you want to take on parenthood of someone else’s child after a couple of months and having never met the child yet. I also suspect he will begin to notice her age just as soon as his complete infatuation with her looks wears off. A 23 year old is very young, even a very mature 23 year old with a child is very young.

  4. 4

    I am not saying Tim would do this, but he can’t put this girl in a position of feeling like she has to choose between him and her child. If Tim is used to coming and going when he pleases and prefers a lifestyle of spontaneity, he will have to be willing to compromise on that to be with her.   He also needs to take time to observe her parenting style.   If she is more lenient and be would be more strict, that will probably created friction. And if dad is involved, then dad my take offense at Tim trying to exert any authority over the child.    And it while it Tim doesn’t say if he’s met the little boy yet, if he hasn’t, there really needs to be a considerable amount of time before the child is brought into the relationship.   3 year olds are very impressional little creatures.   

  5. 5

    I agree with everyone’s response here.   If you (Tim) do want to explore a more serious relationship with this girl, then it needs to evolve organically, meaning, after the appropriate enough of time, you meet the child and see how things go.   As Evan indicated, this woman may or may not feel the same way.   She is very young.   I had my first child at 19 and was single again at 21 and was pursuing a career.   The last thing on my mind at that age was going from the pan into the fire.   I did date and enjoyed the steady company of a few men, but was totally focused on my career and being a mother. It’s was a very delicate situation.   Good luck.

  6. 6

    When I was 23 I fell in love with a 37 year old man. If all the circumstances had been right I would have stayed with him longer than the 7 years our relationship lasted. I would like to stress that we broke up not because of a) The age gap or b) The fact that he had children (2). It was about more basic issues such as trust. So I would agree that Tim should go for it and date this woman until you both know what you want. That cannot be a mistake. However where there are children involved I would agree with previous commenters who said go slow. I would even say don’t meet the child until you are thinking about properly committing to the child’s mother. Were you to become involved and then leave the child’s life, he would suffer and have no choice in the matter, unlike adults who do have choices and owe it to children to behave responsibly and to take our role in their lives seriously.

    1. 6.1

      Excellent advice there, Jay.   Good. Ditto to that.

  7. 7
    Dina Strange

    Evan’s #2 point summarizes everything about it. You are in a fantasy land, it lasts 36 months. Call me then…

  8. 8

    Personally, I ‘ve been divorced for 30 years, no children. I would never even consider
    dating a man with a child,unless he is a widower. The other parent will always be a
    trigger and it will be a tough situation for all parties involved and if you have
    child/ren as a deal breaker   it will never work, independent of the chemistry and
    the compatibility. Age difference is not a deal breaker.  

    1. 8.1

      “I would never even consider dating a man with a child,unless he is a widower. The other parent will always be a trigger and it will be a tough situation for all parties involved”

      Jasmina, you’re assuming everyone in the world doesn’t act like an adult or take their childrens’ best interests to heart.   My ex husband’s wife doesn’t consider me a “trigger” nor is it a “tough situation for all parties involved” because 1) I respect her and their marriage, and 2) she respects me as my childrens’ mother.

      Just because *you* wouldn’t date a man with a child (because, I suspect, you would be a trigger and make it a tough situation), doesn’t mean it can’t happen and be extremely successful and fulfilling for everyone.

      1. 8.1.1

        I believe Jasmina started off with “Personally…” No need to attack her point of you, you got your thoughts she got hers. Just saying.

  9. 9

    Point #4 in Evan’s reply:
    “Obviously, I’m just speculating here, but your question is predicated on the fact that it’s all up to you whether you assume the role of stepfather.”
    This is it, relationships are not just about us and what we want and need only. There is always another person involved  and because we like them and are attracted to them, it doesn’t mean they are going to feel  the same and its a big mistake to assume differently.
    If Tim is finding he’s interested in a future with this girl and can accept her 3 year old son (so cute at that age)   he needs to wait and  find out  if she feels the same. A  23 year old gorgeous hot, smart girl who is looking to  completing her education and  catching up on her social life  after the birth of her son  probably isn’t really going to be looking for an older man in the long term. In a couple more years Tim is going to be 40 and she is going to be 25 and to be honest, when I was 23 I  wouldn’t date  a guy who was 15 years older than me. It  would have felt like going out with my father or a slightly younger uncle. That’s my feeling only by the way, I’m not speaking for all 23 year old girls.
    Wait and see what, if anything develops over time, just don’t make any assumptions that you are the only one who has any input into a relationship, a man or a woman can opt out at any given time and if the statistics are right, women opt out a lot more than men. Worth remembering that one guys.

  10. 10

    I don’t think Tim’s not wanting to date a woman with kids makes him an a$$hole. There are many people, male (myself included)  & female  who would not want to date anyone with kids precisely because they do not want the nightmare/complication/aggravation that comes with it. It’s a matter of personal preference.

  11. 11

    At first I thought I was going to totally disagree with Evan on this, but I read his entire reply and agree with all of it.
    @Tim,   as Evan said, you are about 3 years away from worrying about   marriage.   You do need to think seriously about the kid issue.   Right now…you are ignoring that she has a kid because she is “really really really gorgeous,” …and…23.   If you can’t come to the decision that you like taking on the role of role model, mentor, and friend to the “little man,” then you need to walk.   Evan is right.   At the moment you are star struck because of her looks.   This is no different than when a guy isn’t into the idea of marrying an older woman, but then one who is very beautiful comes along and makes him temporarily forget that.   If he jumps into marriage, it is likely he will later regret it, or want out.   The same thing will happen to you.   Honeymoon will be over…the kid will be a handful to deal with, and you will question why you married her in the first place.   You won’t be high on the endorphins anymore.
    What i would do is this.   Just let it ride for now.   If she is enjoying the relationship, just keep going as it is.   I would NOT share your insecurities with her.   I WOULD spend time getting to know her son if and when she is comfortable with you doing so.   See if you can form a good bond with him.   If you can, then you are OK to move forward, but that decision is a few years away.   Again, remember that you are still star struck by her beauty and other great qualities.
    One question I would have for you is do you know anything about her dating history?   What I am getting at is this…while we know there are down sides to dating a single mom…one of the best reasons TO date a single is the fact that many of them have been slapped by cold hard reality.   A very beautiful woman may have come to terms with the fact that she, as a package, is no longer a catch.   In some, this can create deep bitterness which is not good, but in others, it simply allows them to appreciate, respect and truly love a good man that DOES want her.   It’s like that song where the lyrics go, “You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful.”   The moral being that nothing is worse than a woman who feels like she is doing you a favor by being with you, so the opposite of that is a woman who is very thankful to have you in her life.   I ask this because at 23, I am not sure she has enough experience at being uses/rejected to have learned what it is like not to have a good man in her life.   Thus, the question is, “will she appreciate it?”   Only you can figure that out since we don’t know her.
    Anyway, good luck to you.

  12. 12

    I agree with Evan. This letter reeks of so much high-schoolis infatuation I am surprised the letter writer is 38 with quite a bit of dating experience behind his back.
    However, I would not caution him against meeting the young woman’s child. In my opinion, it may help him get down to reality a   little bit to see how this woman behaves in the role of a mother.
    I agree that not hurting the child should be a priority for all involved but in my experience, children are not stupid. In fact, a lot of the times they are much more realistic than adults. They won’t throw themselves at every random stranger thinking immediately that they have found a surrogate father/mother.

    1. 12.1

      I think, as much as  the letter writer appears to have a lot of dating experience, all of it is of the relatively short-lived kind. He has never had a relationship that has exceeded 2 years, has never been married, and has taken out hundreds of women who have never gone beyond the first date. This speaks to me of someone who is easily infatuated and dazzled by relatively surface qualities, and then eventually disillusioned in the long run. It says a lot that he has a strict rule about not dating women with children, and has none of his own (I don’t judge this – I have made the same choices) but it tends to indicate someone maybe slightly more concerned with their own comfort. Which is fine. But then we have the fact that he focuses on how “very, very, very” gorgeous this woman is, and how easygoing she is – surface qualities. None of this says anything about the long run, which I doubt he has ever concerned himself much with before.
      Yip, I agree with Evan’s assessment. I would be very surprised if they are together at the end of the year, much less married in a few years’ time.

      1. 12.1.1

        You could be right, Clare. I also had the impression that he may not have been in a serious long-term relationship before.

      2. 12.1.2

        Yep, unless one has some serious geographic limitations, 11 years on a dating site and no relationships longer than two years kinda points to someone easily infatuated and just as easily uninfatuated. I do not feel there is anything wrong
        with not wanting a mate with kids; some of us are not
        parent material, some of us are done parenting. It’s all good. What alarms me here is having a rule about kids, then throwing it away solely because the woman is young and hot. Another alarm bell is that the poster is making all these speculations/assumptions after a
        mere 2 months of even knowing this person, an eye blink in relationship land. Just sit back, get to know her, get to know the child with no expectations. If one needs to speculate, do so on the fact that one, she is 23, people change a LOT when young; two, she is 23, what if she wants another child or two, what if she does want to get an education, be a stay at home mom,   a better job, etc?

    2. 12.2

      Gabriella it has often been said that kids and dogs are the best judges of character. 🙂

  13. 13

    So far most of the commenters have looked at this from Tim’s perspective, but I am more interested in this lady’s perspective.
    So she is 23 with a 3 yr old child, attractive and very desirable (except for the whole single mom thing).   He is 38 and has not been successful finding a long-term relationship.   She looks like the ideal package to him, except for the child.   But what does HE look like to her?
    I spend a lot of time reading opinion pieces online, even from feminist sites and “manosphere” sites.   I have to take it all with a grain of salt, but each side does occasionally offer insights.   One such insight   is that, for many women, their attraction to men who are stable and supportive (“beta”) depends on their need for stability and support at their particular stage of life.   For example, very few 18 year old women chase after rich doctors – they prefer handsome badboys (“alphas”) at that age, because they don’t often NEED financial support or stability at that age.   But in the late 20’s and into the 30’s, their need for support and security kicks in (along with the biological clock), and they begin to consider dating guys that they would not have considered in the past, and write essays about how they need to stop dating bad boys now that they are becoming more mature.   Ie – attraction to beta qualities increases due to the relative need for them at her new stage of life.   Finally, once she has been married, has financial stability guaranteed, and has had her children, her need of beta qualities diminishes, and she may find herself more attracted to a different alpha/beta mix.   This explains many women’s propensity to divorce their husbands once the children have been born/reached a certain age – the qualities that they originally found attractive in their husbands are no longer what they continue to find attractive at their new stage of life (whereas for most men, the qualities they find attractive in a woman remain constant regardless of their stage in life).
    Now, back to this story.   Why does this hot 23 year-old woman want a 38 year old dude who has trouble with relationships?   Could it be because he is very beta, and that is what she needs now as a single mom?   I am guessing because I know nothing about her or him – but I would wager it is likely.   Now, if he decides that he is cool with a relationship with the child as well as the lady, he may eventually marry her.   But how will she see him in 5-10 years when he is in his late 40’s and she is only in her early 30’s but no longer needs beta provisioning?   He will be much less attractive to her, while her level of attractiveness in the sexual marketplace will still be very high (actually higher than now, since her child will be more independent).   How likely is it that SHE will want to remain with him?   I find that question more relevant in this scenario than the question of whether he wants her or not, because once he decides that the child is not a deterrent for him, the qualities that she has that he finds attractive will not likely change/decrease in the next 5-10 years.  

    1. 13.1

      I think you are pretty right on Jeremy. I know too many young women with children who are looking for father figures for their children. They tend to think very short term. My guess is they will date for a few years and go their separate ways both because his infatuation will wear off and she will no longer need someone to provide support for her. I am sure the relationship will both serve them well for the mean time. Best of luck to them.

      1. 13.1.1

        Even if this girl isn’t looking for a father figure for the child, especially if he becomes step dad, he will still have some authority over the child when the share a home.   I always told my kids that while their stepmother did not take my place, they still had to respect her authority in her and their dad’s home, and I didn’t operate under the assumption that she would not operate in their best interests.   

    2. 13.2

      Would a very very very gorgeous 23 year old woman without kids date a 38 year old man ? Probably not.
      Would a man overcome his disdain for dating single mums if she was NOT a very very very gorgeous 23 year old ? Probably not.
      Tim and his 23 year old single mum “friend” totally deserve each other.

  14. 14

    The idea that a woman is less ‘valuable’ because she has kids is laughable, especially if she is in her 30s/40s.   While who you attract as a single mom/dad  (and vice versa) may change, it in no way ‘limits’ your options.   It just makes your options different.   Personally, I won’t date a man without at least one kid (and I have two and I am 36 years old) because I believe there are things he will understand that a man who has no kids won’t.   I know of plenty parents who feel the same way so that single man won’t be able to date me even if he wanted to (and a lot of them want to) so maybe his options are limited.  

    I see myself as no less   marketable – it’s just a different market.   If you are very attractive as a woman and especially if you have a personality that exudes what needs to be exuded, men are fairly easy to come by – period, especially in my age group where most  people I run  into experience parenthood.


    1. 14.1

      Stacy, I think it all depends on the woman’s age and the type of man she is hoping to attract.  
      Does the fact that a woman has a child make her less “valuable” to a man looking for marriage?   If she is in her late 30’s and is hoping to meet a man who also has kids – NO.   If she is in her late 30’s and hoping to meet a child-less man her own age – YES.   If she is 23 and is hoping to meet a child-less, single guy roughly her own age?   BIG YES (it is a huge strike against her, especially at her age).
      So although I may agree with you that for someone in your own situation having children may not reduce your marketability – it may simply alter the market – for someone who is 23 with a 3 year old it would radically reduce marketability (at least, as LTR/marriage marketability).   Hence her possibly “settling” for a guy who will fulfill the role of “beta provider” until she no longer requires beta provisioning.
      But who am I to judge? Maybe Tim would be happy with 5-10 years with this girl whom he finds so attractive.   Maybe she would be equally happy with him due to his provisioning and providing a father figure for her child.   I just would not count on it continuing beyond that, and would therefore either counsel Tim not to marry her or to get a very solid prenup if he does.   And also to be aware that he may be legally required to pay child support for this child, even though he is not the father, if he has a paternalistic relationship with that child.

      1. 14.1.1


        I believe a man would only have to be required to pay child support for a child who is not biologically his if he legally adopts…just FYI…

        And, I agree with you  on the rest of your post.              

        1. RustyLH

          Payment of Child Support
          Illinois normally does not obligate a stepparent to pay child support if he divorces the children’s biological parent, but exceptions exist. For example, if a biological parent does not or cannot work and can’t support her children from her own income, the court can conceivably order the stepparent to pay child support on their behalf. This is generally the case if the children’s other biological parent is no longer living or can’t be located. The legal rationale is that the children might otherwise have no financial support. It also applies if there is no court order in place obligating the children’s other biological parent to pay.
          It seems murky at best.   There have been step-fathers who have had child support taken from them, and who did not adopt.   I do know that in all cases that I read about there were common factors.
          Biological father unknown, dead, or not paying support.
          A history of the step-father acting as the father
          The children suffering financially if the step-father does not continue to support them.
          Also, we have to realize that often, the state uses “best interests of the child” to override what is fair.   Nothing is to stop them from making it the law of the land that if you are the step father for a year, maybe two, that you then take on full legal responsibility.   They wouldn’t even have to limit that to when the biological father is absent.     I was reading something I stumbled upon on a forum not directed at men, where they were talking about some states looking at whether there is more value/benefit to a child in having more than two parents.   This was not mentioned in the article, but if that were deemed to be true, that would be used to force men to continue support even after a divorce.
          I just ran across a site, while looking fro what I posted at the top, where the topic was about cuckolding.   For those who don’t know, the short story is that a woman marries a man with a lot of resources, but has sex with a man with better genes, thus getting the best of both worlds.   In an evolutionary dog eat dog, survival of the fittest, it is totally understandable why a woman would do this.   In a civilized society, it is despicable.   Anyway, the case being discussed was that a man and a woman had children.   As time went on, he developed suspicions that they kids were not his.   Likely do to the kids looking like somebody he suspected her of having an affair with, rumors, etc…   When the older child were 10 they got divorced, and he had paternity tests done.   They weren’t his.   In the end, the court ordered him to continue support.   Fair?   No.
          Here’s a very good article.

  15. 15

    Although I agree with Evan’s response and the comments going along the same lines, I can’t stop reading the Letter Writer’s question differently.
    To me he is not asking about whether he should date this woman, for how long, and/or what his chances are, but whether it’s ok to reconsider a previously solid deal-breaker when you are sufficiently attracted/interested/admirative of a new prospect. I think he wants to resolve that question now, because sticking to his deal-breaker would imply breaking up with her immediately, as he has done in the past. Only being willing to reconsider his deal-breaker would justify continuing a relationship with this woman.
    The circumstances sure are quite distracting, with a huge age difference and the serious nature of his deal-breaker, hence the comments and negative outlook on this relationship (which I agree with by the way). However if the question were “Is that ok to reconsider my dealbreaker of ‘never marrying someone refusing to cohabitate before marriage’ now that I’ve met someone committed to wait until marriage to move in together, if that this person is everything I’ve been looking for and more”, how would we respond to the Letter Writer?
    To my opinion, it’s fine to reconsider any deal-breaker. At the very least to seriously question the real reasons we have it in the first place, and evaluate whether it’s worth it in general, and in particular given the specific situation at hand. For example we can refuse to date someone long-distance but then change our mind under some special circumstances that we could not have imagined previously. Same goes for age differences, children etc. I’m not advocating for letting go of all deal-breakers as soon as we are infatuated with someone, but I find it worthwhile to do some soul-searching instead of sticking to deal-breakers “just because”.
    Therefore I’d tell the Letter Writer that yes, it’s ok to reconsider his position on the step-kids question if he meets someone who 1. has found balance between single motherhood, work, and relationship time, 2. has a mature relationship with her kid’s father with no drama, 3. if the kid is well adjusted and accepts him easily when the time is right. If we put aside for a second the fact that the lady is 23, I’d say that becoming a step-parent in these circumstances and to a child who spends half his time with his dad could be a fulfilling adventure, especially since there would be no full-time step-parenting.  
    Now if the Letter Writer realizes that he’d be willing to become a step-parent in this specific situation if all goes well in the future, he is still indeed at the very beginning of the journey, journey that has many more challenges in the horizon, given the age difference and the fact that he’s got no clue yet about whether they would be compatible for a happy and healthy relationship.

    1. 15.1

      I agree with your post Fusee.   I addressed this very thing in my response.   In a nutshell, he might simply be overlooking the deal breaker because of how young and how beautiful she is.   He has, after all, only been dating her for 2 months and they aren’t even BF/GF yet.   So I felt he should just let it ride for a while.   See how he feels in a few years if the relationship is still going by then.   Also, he should attempt to bond with the child to see if he can develop parent-like feelings for the child, or at the least, something similar to how he would feel for a nephew.   If he can bond with the child and the relationship is still going strong after 2 or 3 years, then I think he is safe in moving forward.   If he finds himself resenting the child for reasons such as the amount of time it requires for the mom to care for him, or the amount of money it costs to do anything, or the fact that it often limits what he can do, such as what movie they will go to see, then he shouldn’t proceed with the relationship.

  16. 16

    Meh, I think the advice is mostly bad. IME people who obsess about age gaps have self esteem issues, are jealous, are bitter, or simply have too much time on their hands (and I mean this in the nicest possible way ;)). Just let him enjoy himself. I do have pause that he alleges they have “chemistry off the charts” and have been dating ~2 months yet no talk about exclusivity. Guys should NEVER date like that. EVER.

  17. 17

    Why would an attractive 23-year-old woman with a child want a 38-year-old guy who doesn’t want to be around her kid?   I think this will sort itself out sooner rather than later.   Also, guys in their 30s who want to date childless women have a lot of options, but guys in their 40s who want to date childless women have a narrower pool.   I’m guessing he will eventually bend this rule anyway once he realizes this.

  18. 18

    I don’t want to date anyone with children either because I want the traditional family. If you want her go for it, but be prepared to have to deal with the child as well. And she may put her child before you so be prepared for that.

  19. 19

    The answer is already with tim, by the time tim posted this, he just needed an opinion. There is a huge possibility that he may not have found a stable relationship with all the other women who came along his ongoing dates simply because she hadn’t come around, things happen differently for all of us. No one questions why she is a single mum, why she left her previous relationship. Possiblity lies along these lines……nature and destiny will always have it’s course and above all…am among those few who still believe in the ancient words of love , Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

    Do you copy?


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