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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
I am 30, not married, and have been in 2 serious relationships in my life. I am noticing a pattern in the men I get involved with that is making me suspicious. Both of the serious boyfriends I have had, displayed the same sexual behavior.

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years. The first time we were intimate he gave me oral sex – wasn’t very good at it, but I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings – and then never went down on me again. That is, until he visited Europe for a week, 2 years into our relationship. When he returned, he went down on me again (for the 2nd time in our relationship) and was suddenly good at it. Strange.

History is now repeating itself with my current boyfriend of 2 years. The first time we were intimate, he gave me oral sex. He wasn’t good at it either, but I would never tell him that. Then did not do it again until just recently when he returned from vacation in a foreign country. He went down on me again (for the 2nd time in our 2 year relationship), and is suddenly an orally talented sensation.

What is going on in other countries?! Is it something in the water overseas?

I am a giving person when it comes to sex, and am not selfish in any way. I tried to understand about this lack of oral pleasure (avoiding the thought that I am attracted to men who are selfish in bed), because I figured vaginas would be grosser than penises (in the oral respect).

I find it very strange that they both did this, and am wondering if it has something to do with cheating… or maturity… or who knows! I don’t understand this behavior and why it has happened to me twice in my life. Is this typical man behavior? What does it all mean, Evan?

 

-Orally Lost

We look for patterns even when there are no patterns and put together a worldview from hindsight that seems to make sense.

Dear OL,

It’s human nature to try to make sense of unrelated events. We look for patterns even when there are no patterns and put together a worldview from hindsight that seems to make sense.

The woman who met her soulmate when she was 14 believes, heart and soul, that this is the proper way to meet your husband. Instantaneously. Magically. You “just know.” Needless to say, that’s one version of how people may find love, but far from the only version.

So you’ve had two boyfriends who weren’t into oral sex, took a vacation, and came back giving phenomenal oral sex. And you’re looking for answers, connections, meaning. Sorry. Unless you have more information that suggests that your guys have cheated on you, I’m a believer that it’s just coincidence.

Personal anecdote time — when I was 20 — and still pretty inexperienced with sex — I had a girlfriend for five months. I probably only went down on her once or twice. Why? Well, as you pointed out, I wasn’t very good at it, it wasn’t exactly pleasing to my senses, and I still had a really good sex life. Meaning: she didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t do it, I didn’t like doing it, and our relationship didn’t suffer, so it was a pattern that reinforced itself.

I think that absence makes the heart grow fonder — and, if not fonder, then certainly lustier.

If there’s any pattern between your men, I think it has more to do with the vacation time than it has to do with infidelity. I think that absence makes the heart grow fonder — and, if not fonder, then certainly lustier. I know I’m more excited to ravish my wife after she’s been away for two weeks than I am on the random Wednesday evening after watching Castle on ABC.

So there are a number of more logical explanations for your phenomena than having two consecutive devoted boyfriends going to Europe, discovering the joys of pleasuring women in an illicit foreign affair, and then returning home as if nothing was wrong. If there’s any disparity between how “good” they were before and after their trips, I would sooner guess that a man’s familiarity with your body goes up over two years…It should be no surprise if it translates into better oral sex the second time around.

Of course, I’m only theorizing. But as a dating coach, I’m always looking for the most logical explanation, as opposed to the Conspiracy Theory version of things.

My suggestion would be to actually start communicating with your boyfriend. Because if you have one clear blind spot, that’s it. You’ve gone years and years without oral sex, but mostly because you never brought it up. That puts the responsibility squarely on you, not on them. Let’s hope this European breakthrough is a sign of things to come (no pun intended), and not another rare appearance from The Cunnilingus Comet.