How Does a 30-Year-Old Man with No Sexual Experience Get Some?

How does a man, age 30, gain sexual experience when they have not had any?

We have a large group of brain tumor survivors who went through puberty belatedly on artificial hormones. They missed the important Jr. High / High School dating scene, and now find themselves as young adults with absolutely zero dating experience as well as the more obvious sexual experience.

Several members of our group have actually "started" dating, but the guys are finding it especially awkward after several dates when the women are expecting more "activity." The guys don't know how to explain that they haven't really ever even kissed a woman before. The desire is there, but the girls the guys are dating seem to have at least some, if not a lot, of sexual experience already. They appear to be a little put off by a guy who hasn't even kissed a girl by age 30.

How can the guys "get" some experience at this late date in the game?

 

-Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

Is it cool for an “expert” to say something like, “I don’t know” in an advice column?

Because I can make up an answer, but I don’t think I have any unique insight that will help your survivors. The fact that they had brain tumors provides a weighty reason as to why they haven’t acquired experience, but, at the end of the day, they’re no different than legions of men (and women) who are at the back end of the sexual bell curve.

...at the end of the day, they’re no different than legions of men (and women) who are at the back end of the sexual bell curve.

I ain’t gonna lie – it’s tough to make up for that lost time – especially when you’re dealing with peers. Innocently charming though it might be, most 30 year old women probably don’t have the patience for a guy who has never removed a bra. So I took to asking women I know what they think your guys should do.

“Don’t tell the truth,” is what my wife said. Like a woman who is a virgin until her 20’s, sometimes it’s best to keep these big secrets to yourself, unless it’s absolutely necessary. People are more likely to give the benefit of the doubt to someone whom they’ve invested in emotionally, instead of being patient with the random socially awkward guy who declares on Date 1 that he had a brain tumor and is therefore behind in Foreplay 101.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Robyn

    It’s not free, but what may help these guys get “skilled” (for lack of a better word) and thereby give them confidence – which is the critical bit – is a sexual surrogate. A sexual surrogate is (from what I’ve read) a sex therapist-coach-teacher with whom a guy can learn and experiment in a safe and confidential environment.
    Personally – I think it would be worth paying for a service like this.
    Trying to find some one who would perform the same level of service for free is more likely to fail (and cause even more issues) IMHO.

  2. 2
    Holly

    I’ve never posted before, but I felt the urge to post to this particular topic. I’ve worked with patients in the MHU setting who have had problems similar to this, and I think you were right on the money with looking at females who have had similar experiences. Not only will there be less pressure, and an ability for both individuals to take things more slowly, but there will also be the opportunity to build on similar experiences. Many say opposites attract, but I’m a firm believer that there has to be some common ground. I would highly recommend that she look at local rehabilitation programs, and possibly set up a social function. It doesn’t have to be “find a date” oriented, but something that functions to bring people together. If relationships or friendships develop from the function, all the better.

  3. 3
    Tree

    I have never posted on this site before either but also felt compelled to respond to this particular topic.
    I would suggest these men attend a workshop (or 2 or 3). Most major cities have sex shops (not the seedy kind but one’s that are founded for the purpose of providing women with a comfortable place to explore their sexuality) that offer an array of workshops on a variety of topics. They usually offer them on different days as “men only workshops” and “women only workshops”. They use props etc. and provide a space for open dialogue.
    For the person who wrote in specifically about the “group” they could probably have the facilitator come to the group and tailor the workshop to the groups needs.
    Nothing beats experience but these kinds of workshops can really help prepare individuals as well as provide a safe and open environment to ask awkward questions. All of which would boost their confidence.

  4. 4
    Pancho

    I’m that guy. Though my issue has been mostly my poor self body image, I was morbidly obese at 420lbs and have cut down about 140lbs of those pounds.
    My total sexual and relationship history has been with a single girl for a little over a year, and I’m about to turn 30.
    But boy have I been having sex problems lately. Stamina, I get hyper excited and tense and some sessions can be measured in strokes, and a couple of times I didn’t even penetrate and I came. I used to last way longer, like 5 to 10 minutes but after a couple of bad sessions my confidence has dropped like a rock and this is what I’m struggling with.
    The girl I’m with is going to turn 34 this year, she tells me she’s been getting hornier and hornier as she gets older and wants it all the time but she is very frustrated and this is turning into a problem because I’ve not been able to satisfy her in the past several months.
    So I’ve been doing some reading, trying to fix this.. I read that her on top is a good position but she’s been putting up resistance for that, doesn’t feel sexy when she’s on top.
    I hope to read more about woman or men going through this.
    I am also not satisfied with our sex life, even though I’m the one always “getting mine”, I don’t feel adequate, and now I feel like I’m in danger of losing the girl. Plus, I just moved in with her..

  5. 5
    Steve

    @Pancho #4
    You might enjoy and get use out of this site. There have been a few people who started around your size and came down to normal weight:

    Keep up the excellent work on your fat loss. A few years ago I went from 230 lbs down to 176 lbs. I discovered that even a weight loss as small as 10 – 20 lbs can make a big difference in stamina, energy, health and confidence. Keep reducing until you get into a normal weight range for your height.

    There are also plenty of books about improving sexual technique out there. They really work and they are really…..um, appreciated 🙂

  6. 6
    JuJu

    Interesting, I never heard of sex surrogates.

    Anyhow, I think getting actual experience, whatever that may entail, is the only way to go here. Studying the theory, like the proposed workshops, is of very limited value at best.

    When I was younger I’d say I had more than my fair share of virgins (well, in reality it was 2, but still feels like a lot, especially considering those men were 25 and 28). I remember one of them saying to me that after all the porn he watched he felt like an expert… but then, he couldn’t even kiss. Words can’t express what a turn-off that was.

    1. 6.1
      Gary Taylor

      They need to find women who are not heartless bitches…tough today I acknowledge, but there must be some good ones left somewhere.

    2. 6.2
      Alone

      I’d be worse and am in my 40s and have no experience.  I get it, women don’t want me in the dating pool.

  7. 7
    Karl R

    Suzanne said: (original question)
    “They missed the important Jr. High / High School dating scene, and now find themselves as young adults with absolutely zero dating experience as well as the more obvious sexual experience.”

    I hit my early twenties with barely any dating experience and no sexual experience. It can be awkward, but there are ways to catch up … without having to get similar amounts of experience.

    You can get a head start by reading books. I’d recommend ones that are informative instead of titilating. That can teach the guys basic, useful information (i.e. what the clitoris is and where it’s located).

    Tree’s idea (#3) about workshops also sounds like an excellent idea.

    Evan said: (initial response)
    “most 30 year old women probably don’t have the patience for a guy who has never removed a bra.”

    Suzanne, buy them a few bras (with assorted connections) to practice with. They really don’t want to have to learn the skill when there’s a woman inside.

    Evan’s wife said: (initial response)
    “Don’t tell the truth.”

    There’s no need to disclose everything up front. I had a serious girlfriend who was a virgin (she was in her late twenties). After a couple dates she mentioned that she’s suffered liver damage due to an accident when she was a baby.

    When we started dating exclusively, she expanded on her earlier statements. Because of the accident, she’d received a blood transfusion. The transfusion had infected her with hepatitis C. The hepatitis C had caused the liver damage.

    When we became physically intimate, she let me know that she’d never been past second base before (largely due to fear because of the hepatitis C).

    She never lied to me, but she didn’t tell more complete versions of the truth until it was necessary.

  8. 8
    sayanta

    not to sound insensitive, but at least these guys have a legit excuse (brain tumors). What if someone’s never kissed because they’ve never actually met anyone they wanted to kiss (guy or girl)? Try explaining that to people…

  9. 9
    Pancho

    @Steve
    thanks for the kind words, I’ll check out the site.
    You know, one thing I realized in all this, when I was 420lbs, I met the her. She saw me lose those 140lbs in about a 6month span. She likes the big boys. But ever since I really started “seeing her” and then into a relationship, the fatloss has stopped, completely. I got complacent. Time to step it up.

  10. 10
    Michael

    Wow. Something that even stumped Evan. I can’t say I have much more sage advice, other than it’s a positive sign that these men are getting dates – and that those dates are wanting “more.”

    I will say that a combination of good books, good friends and a partner or two with a little patience should help immensely. If you can’t be honest with a date, be honest with a friend (especially one of the opposite sex – this is the one time advice from the other gender can really help!).

    Where the dates are concerned, wanting to take things slow is not a crime. Contrary to the media hype, sex isn’t expected on the second date. Ask the girl to show you how she likes to be kissed. And as a general rule, slow is good.

    Lastly, do not use porn as a learning aid. Most porn bears no resemblance to how real-world sex works. There are some “how-to” videos out there, though.

    1. 10.1
      Alone

      That’s because there is no way.  Women do not have prince for this.  A guy who tries to hide it will be accused of lying by omission.

      1. 10.1.1
        Adam

        Michael,

        You have great ideas, but in all honesty, my view, as a former older male virgin, is closer to Alone’s. I think you are well meaning but I know from personal experience that there are no partners with a “little patience.” I have never, ever heard of such a thing outside of Disney movies and fictional books. Women expect the men in their life to know what they are doing and to take the lead. Especially if they are older than 19 or 20.

        A person in this situation has two options. The first option, which is the one I chose, is to lie and deceive the woman. You have to be an extremely good liar to pull this off and the deception must be extremely thorough. I lost my virginity to a girl who thought I had slept with countless other women and she never knew she was my first.

        The second option is to go to a prostitute, sexual surrogate or someone similar. I don’t judge men who do this or the women that provide these services. My view is that prostitution should be legal and it is a way of last resort to get sexual experience. It is funny, nearly all women hate this option but at the same time find virgin, inexperienced men absolutely repulsive and disgusting.

  11. 11
    Michael Webb

    Since when is being “pure” a liability? The advice to find a surrogate, sleep around and some of the other ideas deeply saddens me. There are scores of women who would love to find a man who doesn’t have STDs and lots of sexual crap going through his head.

  12. 12
    Zann

    As a woman, I’d like to weigh in on the assumption that women are not going to put up with a fumbling “amateur” when it gets down to sex. In my book, the best find in a sexual partner is one who says, “Tell me what you like,” and then actually listens and follows through with what you tell him. Bingo! Conversely, I’ve had very experienced men who’ve been rather rigid (!) in their sexual routine and who weren’t very open to hearing suggestions; in fact, they would get offended. So, given the choice, I’d much prefer a guy with a little less experience who is not only willing but, but eager, to accept a little instruction. But I agree, no need to announce your lack of experience right up front. Read the books, be receptive to her suggestions or signals, but most important, try to relax. It’s supposed to be fun. No one’s a pro (not even the pro’s) when they’re with a brand new partner, no matter what people tell you. P.S. If she says she likes something you’re doing, keep doing it — not faster or more intensely — just the way you were. She’ll let you know if she wants to move on to something else. Good luck to all.

  13. 13
    anette

    This is actually really sad. Why do people feel they are so unworthy of love attention or patience, just because they may not perform well in the bedroom?

    I would actually go talk to religious groups about this one. There are many people who STILl believe that sex before marriage is wrong. And despite popular opinion this is not necessarily because “God said So” nor is it to ensure that a woman is “pure and innocent”. They actually have very VALID reasons for this and ironically enough, a lot of these christians(muslims, jews etc) have very full and satisfying sex lives.

    Why? Because they learnt to care about each other, put each other’s needs first, they found out they were truly compatible, and are capable of the kind of love that is really required in a long term relationship. The kind of love where you keep trying and you extend yourself for another person.

    The older I get, the more I actually think lesser experienced people(or couples), who love each other end up more happy than those with lots of experience.

    I would say to the poster, don’t worry about it. A woman(or man) who truly cares for you will WORK on this issue. They will never make you feel embarrassed or ashamed or less than you are. I can guarentee you there are MANY males and females with a lot of sexual experience, who aren’t actually very good in bed. Why? Because they have never really been in a relationship where they spend a lot of time, energy care and concern in learning what the opposite gender likes. Some people, spend their entire lives, in a very selfish sexual mindset. Experience does not mean prowess.

    Sexual experience in a long term relationship counts for absolutely nothing. Emotional intimacy, followed by enthusiasm, trust , effort and the willingness to make mistakes is what will get it done. The goal of having fun is a must also.

    I have been with 2 later in life virgins, and I can tell you this. One was horrible, he was incredibly selfish. No amount of experience would have changed this. The OTHER was amazing, as he just wanted to learn how to care about me.

    Talk to some religious groups, even if you aren’t religious as they may actually be able to offer some advice on this one.

    Cheers

    1. 13.1
      Jenn

      Anette,
      I could not have said it better myself. Seriously, I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said, and it illustrates my point exactly that putting the focus on finding lasting love first is the best choice you can make. The sex will come in time, and you will have to work at it once you start having it, but it’s always better with someone you love.

    2. 13.2
      Jim

      This is exactly what I’m waiting for later in life. I’m 32, have gone on 10 dates in my life. I want to find a woman truly special to share sex with. Rushing things too quickly takes the joy and intimacy out of it. By the time it does happen, even if she’s not a virgin, I’d like to think that she’d feel special that I waited for her to share that experience with.

  14. 14
    Steve

    @Michael post #11
    There is a whole world of people living in between your two extremes of virgins and STD laden, baggage ridden, men who have had sex.

  15. 15
    A-L

    For people who aren’t as familiar with regular commenters, I am speaking as someone who has dated as a virgin in her late 20s.

    First off, Karl’s right that most women you date should never even find out about the guys’ inexperience. Most of the guys I’ve dated never found out that I hadn’t slept with anyone before. That’s one of those things that should be revealed on a need-to-know basis, and most people don’t need to know. And if someone wants to move way faster than you’re comfortable with (particularly on the first couple of dates), and they’re not interested in waiting up, then they’re not the right person for you. Period.

    Secondly, a lot of the physical stuff isn’t exactly rocket science. I’d say that mirroring is a really good idea if you don’t have much experience. People usually kiss or use certain gestures/moves that they find pleasurable themselves. So if you mirror them and do it to them, they usually enjoy it as well. I would also recommend reading some how-to books. Even if it’s not practical experience, it gives you some frame of reference for what might go on behind closed doors and if you have a limited imagination (or a shy partner) it gives some ideas of things you might want to try.

    I think Tree’s ideas of the workshops would also work well.

    Also, I think the idea of discussing your problem with female friends might not be a bad idea. A guy wrote a blog called vcarded (he stopped blogging and the site is no longer up) and a friend ended up deflowering him, and gave him pointers and advice, etc. Because it may turn out that you have a friend who would be willing to provide this service.Though I would not go around asking female friends to sleep with you. I’d just ask them about ways that guys can overcome the problem, and if they decide to offer, take it from there.

    Looking at some religious groups might be helpful in finding women who are less interested in having fabulous sex right away (if you want to hold off until marriage look at the more conservative Christian groups like Southern Baptists, evangelicals, United Church of Christ, etc).

    Basically, I think that the guys just need to start off dating. And unless they’re totally socially awkward (which is not the same thing as being sexually inexperienced) they should find women with whom they gradually gain experience (if that experience is just kissing or is all-out sex).

  16. 16
    Christine

    Speaking as someone who didn’t start to date until she was 29 and had sex at the first time at 31, I am a bit of an expert.
    The guys need to do nothing apart from go out there and chat up women and see what happens. You will get experience and some of it will be lovely and some of it awful. There is no need to go to such extreme methods as prostitution. They just need to get comfortable socially with women as friends, watch a bit of porn and take it from there. Seriously in a few years they will look back and things will have worked out. I’ve now got a lovely boyfriend and we have a brilliant sex life. Its not the end of the world if you are a late developer.

    1. 16.1
      Allan

      Nice sentiment Christine but its totally different for guys – they have to be confident and alpha and god knows what else to get a woman into bed.

      My advice (which I hope isnt too vulgar) is when/if you do get some sexual contact, try to progress your way up to the full monty, ie going all the way with no prior contact is doomed to failure, ytou won’t be able to perform and it will just scar you for life. First few times you’re intimate try to make it just lots of kissing/touching, then mutual masturbation/oral. After you’ve done this four or five times you can start to think about full sex.

  17. 17
    Dot LeSage

    This may seem like a simplistic answer, but have you thought about putting some honest ads on Craigslist? You ‘d probably be surprised to see how many other people out there are in the same situation and looking for someone else who understands and want’s to experiment and learn together.

  18. 18
    sayanta

    Christine and A-L-

    Not to get all mushy on you, but I’m so glad you guys post to this blog. If you didn’t, I think I would still have a huge inferiority complex about the fact that most twelve-year-olds have gotten further than I have. But it’s good to know there are other late bloomers- granted, I haven’t exactly ‘bloomed’ yet heehee- but hopefully 2010 will be my year for this. God/dess willing.

  19. 19
    Mara

    I guess I am only kidding, but have you thought about purchasing one of these?

    http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/02/01/sex.robot/index.html?hpt=P1

    Well not kidding so much, but if they are looking for long term relationships, then maybe church groups are not the worst idea. There seems to be a more likely pool of girls/women actually seeking others who have not had sexual experiences and want to be each other’s first?

    Or I would say just strike up friendships with females and don’t tell….just give them a bunch of alcohol and tell them it’s such a turn on when THEY take the initiative and are in charge.

    I didn’t have tons of experiences in my 20’s but I had a hot coworker…he was a total player and not my type, but I was physically attracted to him. He liked sex and I liked getting good practice when I didn’t care if I was perfect in bed or if he called me the next day. I could ask him what he liked and what he didn’t and I feel like it really gave me confidence for when I was with a guy I liked – AND I started realizing how much guys pursued me when I treated them like I could take them or leave them the way I acted with him instead of how I acted toward the ones I actually liked.

    Anyways, I’d say just find a person you are comfortable with. Someone who is confident in regular life and has an attractive personality and looks probably matters more than if he thinks he is just soo smooth in bed when he probably isn’t. Too many “experienced” guys really have no clue what they are doing anyways.

  20. 20
    Pete

    I’m 30 and aside of three minutes of awkward intercourse and a few weeks of foreplay/kissing with a college girlfriend, I haven’t done a thing sexually.
    Since graduating school, I’ve put all my energies into advancing my career. As a result, I’ve foolishly not taken the necessary steps to building a dating history. To be honest, over the past year or so, I’ve stopped trying. No dates, nothing.
    Part of it is that I’m, uh, short in some areas. Part of it has to do with not wanting to be rejected. And given my age and my lack of sexual experience, I feel being rejected is inevitable, even if everything else would happen to click.
    The funny thing is, I know I’m a kind, generous, funny person who has a lot to offer. I’ve just been holding back — and not putting myself out there — for years.
    So, what are my options? Hire a surrogate? Turn to God and find a woman who’s holding out for marriage?
    Really, can someone make up for lost time?

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