I Love My Ex-Boyfriend, But He Only Calls Me When He Wants Phone Sex

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About four months ago, I reconnected with a college boyfriend on the Internet, and we began talking over the phone. Although we currently live 400 miles apart, I will be moving back home, near where he lives, in about six months to be with my family.

He has just recently gone through a hurtful divorce and is now battling to see his daughter. In the beginning, he and I just kept it pretty casual, venting, chatting and catching up. After a while, there were a couple of times he tried to seduce me over the phone. I asked him to not go there, because I was not comfortable going there just yet. He was persistent, and one night, he caught me at the right moment. I normally won’t allow myself to invest in a sexual relationship (if that is even what you call it) unless I am very clear of the boundaries. Also, I have never had a sexual phone relationship before.

I have noticed since this has happened that he is different with me. He still calls; however, now he tries to discuss sex often. And he complains that he has to sleep alone and doesn’t get to have sex because I live so far away and haven’t come to visit him. He’ll also go for periods of time without calling.

In a month, I am planning to go home for a week. I’ll have a chance to visit with him then. I find that I am pulling myself back emotionally many times because I am not sure what is happening. At times I want to just go the other way….far away and fast. However, I really feel like I could (and even think that sometimes I already do) care deeply for him. Yet, I do not want those emotions to cloud my reasoning or judgment. So here I am seeking your advice… can you please help me make sense of all of this?

Laurie

Apparently, it’s Sex Month on Advice from a Single Dating Expert.   And Laurie, I’m afraid I don’t have good news for you.

You’re the phone sex girl.

It’s sort of like being the out-of-town girl, except, well, you never actually see each other, you just make noises on the phone.

If you don’t recall or are too lazy to click on the above link, this is the definition of the out-of-town girl: If you’re an out of town girl, you have a guy who lives at least two hours away who has been sweet talking you for weeks or months. Finally, you let him visit you and you have an amazing, memorable, erotic weekend together. The second he goes home, he does the slow fade. No more inquiries about your day. No more cute text messages to say he’s thinking of you. He got what he wanted, and maybe, just maybe he’ll call you again the next time he’s in town. More likely, he’ll call you when the girl in his area dumps him and he needs a quick pick-me-up.

It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.

If you’re reading this and it’s sounding familiar, look in the mirror. You’re being used right now. Which is fine, if you’re using him as well. However, if you’re anything like our sweet, original poster, Laurie, you probably have feelings for this cad, which are not being reciprocated. It’s time to cut bait.

Does this mean a woman should NEVER have phone sex with a guy, or NEVER sleep with a man after months of long-distance courtship? Not at all. If phone sex and long-distance never amounted to anything, the only businesses left standing would be AdultFriendfinder and some Russian mail order operation. Listen, I’ve driven to San Francisco to meet an online phone sex partner, and I’ve flown to New York to go on a four day date with an intense phone connection. They COULD have worked, but only when there’s intent on both sides to make it work.

As a woman, all you have to do is observe a man’s behavior and determine whether it’s the behavior of a man who desires a relationship with you. Exhibit A: he’s recently and bitterly divorced, he goes long periods of time without calling you, and when he does call, he goes straight for dirty talk. Does that sound like Mr. Right to you?

I think your solution is obvious, and the lesson goes out to anyone else reading this.

The problem with being the phone sex girl is not the phone sex. It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.

Put it this way: while you’re emailing me about how you’re rekindling long-dormant feelings for an old flame, he’s probably bragging to his guy friends that his ex is getting him off on command.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Marie Faith Baldwin

    X’s are X’s for a reason. Let them go. Someone new and better will come along, don’t second place yourself for something that didn’t work. We should have to try hard to get someone to love us— Love comes naturally and with loyalty – integrity – honesty – and most of all– self respect.

  2. 22
    Brian

    I recently got reconnected to two ex’s at the same time on the internet. Both of the relationships were when I was a teenager. I’m now 40.   One of my ex’s well both want to talk dirty to me the second they get past, catching up, what’s new, issues. “Your Hunky, handsome, cute” are words. but “Meowy” She made that up. With the risk of going all Shroder on my Lucy, Im don’t like this.

    It’s not that my ex’s weren’t great girls when we dated. I do feel weird about saying both, they happened at the same time. Go figure.

    But they have other guys now. I explicitly told both, “this is frienship” Because I didn’t use the word only. My ex’s were like “Let’s talk dirty no holes bared.” I was used to be happy with my ex’s now I’m just confused and playing Chopin.

  3. 23
    Cleo

    My guy and I met in trw three times and spent days talking before we began a long distance relationship. The first year, we saw each other every couple of months for a week. We started having phone and chat sex three or four times a week. We are planning a cruise. We’ve started talking about the future. We’ve had a rule we could see other people until we can change our situation, but neither of us see other people. I have friends who met on line and had a long distance relationship for three years before meeting and now they’re married. I think this article might be a bit biased about phone sex in relationships.

  4. 24
    Amandy

    I have been the phone sex girl for 3 1/2 years to an ex of 5 years. He dropped me one day for his new girlfriend. I was crushed. After 10 months called me from France and said he does not know what he wants.,blah blah blah, and I believed him. I’m so silly, I know better. But I continue to talk/ phone sex/ then block him and unblock him for 3 1/2 years, only because he told me that she was not his girlfriend snd I love him and thought we were going to sail the world together. We are both gypsies and thought I found my person 10 yrs ago when I met him. Because we lived in a small town many people, our mutual friend, acted strange toward me, come to find out he tells everyone I won’t leave him alone;yet , he is the one who called me and I became attached again to a intangible relationship. So all you ladies need to read” the women who run with the wolves” step into your power and do not be the rag doll, door mat. Be the queen B

  5. 25
    Aomame

    Omg I went thru this for nearly a year, a man I fell head over heels for just wanted sexting, he never asked me out, I asked him out he was busy or indisposed. The first thing I noticed about him- he was a massively fast texter and how quickly he got my phone number it was unreal how fast he maneuvered his phone u would think he’s a hacker- and maybe is. Worst part of all that- I had a lot to loose he had nothing to loose, so phone stuff sext text for me was BAD idea. Boy did it take some derision self work to get over him and now he’s left me paranoid with all the images he has of me. Red flags were everywhere- we met a gala- I had a table, he was volunteering, he has little work, I have a major job, I have kids and home in a prominent community, he has no kids lives day to day doing whatever he pleases. Be careful of what u put out there don’t let yourself become a victim- I would have told u I trust this man just months ago now all I can think when I do anyway- is he could black mail me at anytime he pleases. And also I have to say men going thru divorce- who cares everyone gets divorced and being in court and trying to see their kids- move in if a man discusses that stupid stuff with u he’s a looser.

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