Is Monogamy Harder for Men or Women?

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The confirmation bias is a tendency to prefer information that confirms whatever you already believe. It’s dangerous, because under the influence of the confirmation bias, you cherry-pick only facts that reinforce your arguments. The first thing I think of when I hear “confirmation bias” is Fox News, but that is, admittedly, my own bias. And I work very hard not to fall into the trap of having a fixed mindset on things.

It’s with this framing that I want to present to you this article, which contradicts a previously held belief of mine: that belief that men are more likely to prefer a variety of sexual partners. So, why would I hold this belief if it may not be true?

Are there some women who want to sleep with hundreds of men? Sure. But there are more men who want to sleep around.

Well, it’s hard to say. Thinking about it critically, it’s somewhere between experience, society and faith. I was a promiscuous guy. I know men who are a lot worse than I was. There’s an entire industry around pick-up artists. Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession. Porn for men dominates the internet. I’m a dating coach for women who complain that men are commitmentphobes and cheaters. So yeah, there is a LOT of evidence that men have sex on the brain, at least more than women do.

Then some studies came out that women get bored with monogamy faster than men, and suddenly everything I wrote above has been called into question.

Amanda Marcotte, writing for Slate XX Factor, sees this as a sea change. But I don’t. And while it may be my own confirmation bias speaking, here’s the reason:

Marcotte harps on studies that show that women respond to novelty in porn (duh) and fantasize about sex with strangers (double duh). All that proves is that, yes, women can get bored with routine sex as well. I don’t think there’s any right-minded person who ever thought otherwise. What this doesn’t prove, however, is that women are MORE driven by sex than men. While it’s useful to recognize that women and men are similar in many ways, I think it’s shortsighted to suggest that we are the SAME, as if gender was simply a societal construct and not somewhat tied to biology.

Are there some women who want to sleep with hundreds of men? Sure. But there are more men who want to sleep around.

Are there some women who can separate love and sex and have no emotional attachment after physical contact? You bet. But there are more men who do.

Are there more women who give up on sex within a marriage? Apparently. But that might just mean that she’s married to a jerk for 20 years and can’t summon any more amorous feelings for him. It doesn’t mean that she’s more likely to cheat or that she values sexual variety as much as he does.

So, to me (and my confirmation bias), this study is much ado about nothing, in that it’s verifying something we already know. The reason that Marcotte is jumping on it is because it confirms what she wants to believe (women and men have the same take on sex), not because it represents a true shift.

Because for every study that says (rightfully!) that women get bored with monogamy, there’s another one that confirms what most of us already know: men are more driven by sexual variety than women. One highly publicized study doesn’t negate that.

Read the article here and please share your thoughts below.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Tracey

    Evan, whats the point in arguing that men find it harder to be monogamous?   I, like a lot of women, have an innate mistrust of men and have been betrayed before.   How does arguing tooth and nail that men are more promiscuous help me to find love?   All it does is perpetuate my theory that most men are cads and its just going to be that much harder to find love.   Whats the point in trying to find love if he’s secretly (if hes decent) wanting to stick it to other women?   

    1. 81.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Your theory that most men cheat is wrong. Not only is it wrong, it’s completely one sided. According to this site, http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/, 22% of married men cheat at least once over the course of their marriage and 14% of women do the same. So that would mean that most men DON’T cheat, and that only 8% more men cheat than women. Get over your innate mistrust of men, unless you think men should feel similar about women. There are no shortage of monogamous men out there.

      1. 81.1.1
        Sass

        I think what she’s asking is what she’s supposed to do with this information.

  2. 82
    lolzno

    “I think it’s shortsighted to suggest that we are the SAME, as if gender was simply a societal construct and not somewhat tied to biology.”

    Gender ISNT biological. It is a culturally conditioned. Brain studies pretty much prove that. The whole idea that women are different from men is a myth and it only benefits men. Sexism created it in order to put a wedge between us.   Even biology disagrees with the idea that we are all that different. You know what? We aren’t. There are MORE WOMEN in polyamory and non-monogamy communities than men. More men say “I can’t let my wife/gf have sex with another man” than women say “I can’t let my husband/bf have sex with another woman”. So I actually see far more open minded women than men when it comes to non-monogamy.

    Women’s sexuality has been controlled for so long it is no wonder that we internalize that and hate our sexuality, but I can tell you this as a woman, everything you know about women is WRONG. We just don’t talk about it because to do so would be against what we are taught to do. Women are basically in an abusive relationship with our society. It is time for it to end.

    1. 82.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sorry, lolzno. You just said something that made my head snap back. “Gender ISNT biological.”

      If you know anything about biology, you might reconsider. Simply the fact that men have penises and more testosterone proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is a difference between men and women. This is not to suggest that there is no societal conditioning, but you would have to work really hard to make a case that men and women are the same. Men are, on the whole, bigger, stronger, more aggressive, more violent, and more promiscuous than women. This does not mean that there are no big, strong, aggressive, violent, promiscuous women. But the mere suggestion that there aren’t general differences between men and women does biology a huge disservice.

      My blog is not pro or con biology vs. sociology. My blog is about reality, and what to make of it. Men and women might be 90% the same – but the 10% in which we differ causes a lot of the friction and misunderstanding inherent in dating and relationships. Why do women spend so much time wanting to understand men? It’s because they are not men. Not biologically. Not sociologically.

      So instead of suggesting something patently absurd – that people with different genitals and hormonal makeups are actually the same – how about you find yourself a partner who gets you, loves you unconditionally, and makes you happy – and maybe then you won’t rant on a stranger’s blog and substitute your feelings about sexism for facts about biology.

      1. 82.1.1
        lolzno

        We aren’t talking about medical difference my dear. We are talking about gender and how we relate. Gender is socially conditioned. How we relate is socially conditioned. Women are just as likely to be non-monogamous as men are. So why don’t you actually try reading and understanding what we are talking about first before you come in with your penis talk. Also from a medical point of view, you are still wrong. For everything men have women also have something equivalent to it. Many women and men for example have differing levels of testosterone and estrogen. Some women even have more testosterone than they do estrogen. So thanks for playing. Nice to see sexism alive and well.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          No one will ever take you seriously if you argue with insults. It’s not sexist to suggest that men and women are different biologically. It’s science. You may not like the science, but your feelings don’t negate it. Testosterone is what makes men fuck and fight. I’m quite sure that you believe that men are the more violent sex. So why would it be hard to believe that they’re the more promiscuous sex as well? Probably because it makes your “men and women are exactly the same” narrative crumble. I’m not going to waste another second explaining myself to you – nor worrying about your specious claim that I’m a sexist – because one can’t argue with someone who starts from the place that she’s right. Go find another blog that traffics in the ideal that all gender is socially constructed and has nothing to do with biology. This one ain’t for you.

    2. 82.2
      EmeraldDust

      Iolzno – If you really think men and women are exactly the same and it is ONLY social conditioning that makes us different (and not our slightly differing brains structures, our anatomy below the belt and our different hormonal make up)   I would like to suggest that you read the book “As Nature Made Him”.   A very tragic story about twin boys, both circumcised, but in ONE boy the circumcision went TERRIBLY wrong, so this doctor who had an axe to grind about gender being ONLY a social construct decided this was the PERFECT test case for his theory.   TWIN boys, one with a male body part, and one boy who was accidently amputated.   He convinced the parents to raise the amputated boy as a female.   He closely manipulated and monitored this family and made sure that they really raised the amputee as a “girly girl”   (to prove that with sufficient conditioning this boy could be raised as a girl)   This is a TRUE story, and it is very sad, and the amputated boy in question committed suicide as a young adult.   He grew up knowing SOMETHING was amiss, and didn’t find out the truth until in his teens.
        
      http://www.amazon.com/As-Nature-Made-Him-Raised/dp/0061120561
        
        
      Trying to parse out nature vs nurture in the gender wars can be an exercise in futility, as both are tightly interwoven, but I don’t believe for a moment that all general differences between men and women in the aggregate are SOLEY due to societal conditioning.   I think of it more as societal RE-INFORCEMENT of biological differences.  

      1. 82.2.1
        lolzno

        Read the comment I made to the other guy. You are both the same. Not reading and actually understanding what is being said. I know it is hard for men to read, but please try. Beyond that I don’t really give a fuck. I’m tired of men trying to excuse their behavior as something men do when women do it too. It is something HUMANS DO. Women aren’t any more or less monogamous than men are. Time to stop with the lies.

        1. starthrower68

          This “we are the same” nonsense leads to a) burdening kids with adult issues that they do not need to be burdened with,   b) Facebook developing at least 50 different gender identity terms and all but maybe a hand full having no meaning, and c) a society continuing to cave in to the mob rule of political correctness.

        2. Karmic Equation

          Is monogamy HARDER for men than women? Yes. Because men, sad to say, can and will fuck any woman who lets him when he’s in the mood, regardless of what she looks like. His only criteria for fucking? She has a p*ssy.
            
          Women, OTOH, unless she’s a nymphomaniac, actually has AT LEAST one more criteria to fuck a man than the simple fact that he has a c*ck. Usually, she has to consider him *hot*. A man will fuck a fugly woman. Very few women will fuck fugly men, even if she’s fugly herself.
            
          This is a gender thing. Not societal programming. Men need only one criteria for fucking. Women need two. Simply math, dear lolzno.
            
          Societal programming DOES make women THINK or FEEL ASHAMED if she’s ok with non-monogamy. But very few women “crave” variety. I myself like variety. But with the right guy, monogamy is easy. As much as I can enjoy variety, I don’t “crave” it. For me, personally, I like monogamy better because I like the logistics of it better 🙂 Whenever I’m horny, I know that there’s one guy I can count on to help me out. A horny woman without a bf, who calls up her lovers for a booty call can kill that lover’s attraction for her right quick. Double-standard, gender-based, biology-based. Call it what you will. Horny single women who call up lovers are considered whores by those lovers. Absolutely zero chance of being considered relationship-material if a woman does this with any of her lovers.
            
          For men, yes, he can be monogamous for the right woman. But there’s usually a longing for other women that he’ll suppress for her sake. For women, there is rarely a longing for another man once she’s chosen a man to love.
            
          A single woman not looking for a relationship and a single man not looking for a relationship? Yes, both genders are pretty much the same when it comes to monogamy when in this state.
            
          But most women look for relationships first. Few women have a f*ck ’em and leave ’em attitude, because MOST women WON’T f*ck a guy she doesn’t like on some level. (Guess that would make 3 criteria).

      2. 82.2.2
        Antonia

        EmeraldDust
        Iolzno is completely right . There is very little or almost no difference between men and women. Women are equaly (if not even more than men) driven by sex. Unfortunately even in the 21st century women are forced to hide this. But if you would believe me, women are much more intriguing and secretive than one would ever think. Monogamy is an idea, it never existed really. It was constructed by the society itself and church. It has put everybody in a difficult position, men and women. Women are horibbly driven by sex, only it is hard for men to understand this. From the moment a girl becomes a teenager, and put her first make up on, she shows that she wants sex. And sex is something that we all want, it is the driving force for everything, for the entire planet spinning. Eventualy sex will see to it that we get kids. So any talk about women being monogamous is just another myth about women. Nothing else. Behind the so called and overly misused term “commitment” lays the fact that we all want the opposite sex to commit to us so that we could have sex. Sex is the starting and ending point of everything. It brings two people close to ech other , but it also means end of marriage/relationship if its bad or if there isn’t any sex between the spouses. So no studies need , all these blogs and all. It is very simple. ANd it is the same for both genders.

        1. SparklingEmerald

          If women and men are exactly the same as you insist, what do you think of the idea of transexual, people believing that they are a man born into a woman’s body, or vice versa ? If all gender differences are 100% social brainwashing, then all we aren’t just people born into people’s bodies ? Isn’t gender re-assignment surgery an unnessesary operation ?

    3. 82.3
      starthrower68

      The pill was approved in 1957.   Betty Friedan’s “The Feminine Mystique” was published in 1963. So for about 50 years, if *The Man* has been attempting to hold women down by controlling their sexuality, he’s done a very poor job of it.   And I don’t see any of our brothers here forbidding women from sex.   It would appear they’re all about it. ☺

  3. 83
    litlmitts

    I’ve always felt like something about me was weird. Now that I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve been through my share of relationships, here is what I’ve found: I feel like a straight woman who is wildly attracted to men, with a man’s mind, in a woman’s feminine body. I’ve found love. I’ve found monogamy. I’ve found passion and desire. I’ve found stale and soulless sex. I’ve found infidelity. I’ve found loyalty. The only thing I haven’t found is commitment…from myself.

    I haven’t ever wanted to trust a man to be my “soul mate.” I am young, and I’m heading to medical school to marry my job, so I’m not ready for a lifetime commitment to a man. But I am learning, in hindsight, the circumstances in which I’ve used men, and used their feelings, and the circumstances in which I’ve been used. They have nothing to do with gender!

    It’s all about which party is more sensitive. I will agree that most women are more sensitive than men. I find that a remarkable and beautiful quality in a person; Sensitivity. Perhaps that’s what has drawn me to overly sensitive men in the past. But all you have to do to decide you don’t want to feel sensitive towards someone, is purposely not be monogamous. It does, from personal experience, leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled, if you’re not careful. But it works.

    But it comes with a moral cost. It’s just not very nice to use people for sex! I have hardened a lot of hearts and I’m not proud of it. Sensitivity should be nurtured, not taken advantage of, in a man OR a woman. And I agree that it is usually men who take advantage of women, because as I said, women are usually more sensitive.

    So basically what I’m saying is, I whole heartedly agree with this post.

  4. 84
    Sass

    Seriously, why does it matter who dislikes monogamy more? #1 no one male or female has to choose monogamy if they don’t want to. And #2 does knowing which gender hates monogamy more offer anything useful to improving modem relationships? No. All you need to know is whether it’s something you’re willing to commit to to be with someone who demands it, and that you can’t control someone else’s behavior.

  5. 85
    Eric Jensen

    While monogamous women may be a culturally imposed concept.. It was a very much needed one once we started to become a global society and syphilis a worldwide epidemic.    Someone had to be choosy about sexual partners.

     

  6. 86
    Sauce

    The sex industry aimed at men is nothing more than an indication that we live in a “man’s world” where men are encouraged to be hypersexual and see women as objects. Women are not encouraged to be the subject, but rather the object. Women are not encouraged to be sexual unless they are doing so out of emotional connection and love. There are very similar infidelity rates between men and women also, however women probably find it harder to have affairs and go looking for sex elsewhere (including online) because a) the sex industry is not geared to them, and b) they are usually too busy with the majority of the house and child rearing duties. Men can stay back and have an affair after work. Women need to get home to the kids. Call me sexist but there are very few households where the man truly does equal duties. Men ‘working harder’ is not an excuse because these days women usually hav to work also. Or they are child rearing, which is a job and half in itself (I haven’t had children but I can appreciate the hard work a stay at home mum does). If a woman tries to find porn online for her she will usually find sloppy garbage which is emotionally charged because this is the ‘fantasy’ women want apparently – a long term stable relationship with slow sex which doesn’t give much variety in itself. The other alternatives to her are naked men that are usually gay. I have nothing against gay men but being abstraugh female, if I find a hot naked guy online and there’s ‘gay’ plastered all over his picture then it ruins the fantasy for me. Again, not because I’m against gay me. At all…but because I’m not a gay man and therefore it’s hard to project myself into that fantasy. Women are Constantly told they are emotional and need Emotionally connected sex. They prefer reading sexy novels or watching silly movies like 50 shades of Gray, with all that background relationship stuff. Nope. Plenty just want normal porn. But when they have to look at male porn it’s not much of a turn on seeing old hairy blokes nailing girls young enough to be their daughter, or having things rammed up their butt and contorted into weird and painful positions, and  having them ejaculate in their eye. It’s a turn off and it’s boring.

    Ignoring the social context for which people live in is ignoring a huge part of the debate. One major scientific aspect which is overlooked is neuroplasticity. There is little evidence to say our brains are hardwired and more likely soft wired now. Constantly evolving and changing and being shaped by our surroundings and the messages we are sent. A major one is men want sex, women want relationships.

    I find it strange that even though these studies actually show women liking sexual variety as much, and sometimes more than men, that there are people refuting the conclusions drawn. The studies on men from the past which looked at men’s desires for more partners and variety, were biased as they relied on self reporting, which has been proven to be a major flaw in studies. However these studies looking at the female sexuality are not based on self reporting, and instead are actual scientific processes. Yet men still refuse to believe them! Sure, it may be harder for a  man to be monogamous, but not for any biological reasons. I would put it down to pure entitlement, social conditioning, and less responsibilities than the woman. The woman is told from birth that she needs to play up to and keep men interested, so her sexuality is basically defined on keeping a man happy and being ok with his natural desire to sleep around. It’s not defined on her terms. A man is told from birth that all he wants is sex sex sex, and sex is for him. I’m not really sure how anyone can ignore this social construct.

     

     

  7. 87
    Elizabeth

    I think you may be biased because you don’t want to believe this could be true about you wife. Maybe tied to the general belief that men’s egos are more fragile than women’s? You are right, IMO, that the majority of women are unable to separate sex from love. But that has never stopped me from having and desiring sex from multiple partners. It’s a CHOICE to be monogamous. I am as tempted by outside sexual partners as much as the next guy.

  8. 88
    Lisannez

    I have a very high sex drive for a female.   In fact in 38 years I have only had one serious relationship with a man with a higher drive and he was several years younger.   But I have also gone years with no see when I was between relationships, never had a one night stand and very rarely had sex outside of monogamy.    But I do know what it’s like to be in a long term relationship and be turned down for sex.   But being turned down did not make me want sex with someone else I only wanted him.   It hurt me and made me feel bad and maybe made me want attention from men but never sex.   And yes in committed relationships that were very long term I was attracted to other men but would never have sex with them despite my high drive.   What I’m getting at is the reason I think women cheat less or have less sexual partners is because sexual attraction and truly good sex is in our heads and it is true chemically that we bond with men we have sex with.   For me not just one time but two or three for sure.   Men can just look at a girl and be like I want her now and get there women not so much.   I could have sex every night with a different guy I don’t want to.   Men are just different.   Case in point I have been cheated on several times.   I am considered a very attractive woman.    Well educated etc and always with very unattractive women while I was at home begging for more sex.   Why?   Because for every hot girl there is a guy tired of fing her.   Men like variety all of them just some choose to control it for the sake of love while others don’t.

    1. 88.1
      Antonia

      Lisannez,
      you are still very young and unexperienced….You are very wrong with your conclusions. men are emotional and fragile more than women. You should not confuse love ans sex. From your post I can conclude that you haven’t been in that relationship long enough to realize that the flame would extinguish at certain point. Furthermore I can conclude that your guy was good in bed. This is very important for a woman to feel like you felt. I have been in a relationship for 2 years and everything was okay. But I was also fantasizing about other men. The sex with my ex-boyfriend was good, very good. But still, I met someone else and he became my lover. Sex was great, I enjoyed him very much. Everything about him. But somehow I did not love him. I realized at that point that I wanted to enjoy my life. There are always better guys out there, with whom we as women can feel better, YEs, I do like variety. I get very bored not only with sex, but just by being with the same person all the time. Try to set yourself free. Forget about that guy and go on with your life.He wasn’t good for you obviously. You will be suprised with how many beautiful things you are going to experience. Perhaps you should try to be an independent woman, once you stop continuously thinking that love is the only thing worth of having.

  9. 89
    Kate

    I think you’re getting 2 things confused. Men want to play the field and be free, partly because it’s constantly re-enforced by our culture that they should. The studies show that within loving monogamous relationships, women get sexually bored, but not necessarily that they act on it. Behaviour Vs thought. Maybe all of the culture that encourages male philandering is a reaction to the easily bored nature of women that was discovered long before our culture existed in its present state. An attempt at control, possibly?

  10. 90
    Paul

    Many women today are sleeping around much more than ever since they just Don’t know how to be very faithful with just one man.

    1. 90.1
      Val

      Paul, darling, you’ve just brough out to the light another myth !!! Uhhhh, you guys (I mean men) really are so naive !
      Do you really think before there were less women sleeping around !?? UUHhhh you would be even more dissapointed if you could look back in time.
      There is a movie ( I think it’s with Nicole Kidman-not sure) . She plays gorgeous women who dances at the party with a handsome man and there is chemistry betwen them while her husband is in the other corner of the room. The handsome guy wants to sleep with her and he asks: ” But why is a women so beautiful like you married?? I could understand if you were living in the past when women got married so that they could sleep with the men they desired ” . Here the actor refers to the fact that women were forced to marry a man they didn’t really like (you know because once they were not virgins anylonger they could do what they really wanted). I believe that nowadays there are actually less women sleeping around because they have the freedom to choose a man. If you are able to choose your partner than you”ll last longer in a relationship before you reach routine point and bordom. it is not that women don’t know how to be with one man, it’s because that can help the bordom and very often they want something else. That’s the whole point. Variety in one word. Tormented by desire for something new. Just like you guys.:)

  11. 91
    TheRealTruth

    Most women today just don’t know how to commit to only one man anymore which it is much easier for them to sleep around so much.

  12. 92
    Barb B

    I agree you can cherry pick any studies or internet research to validate your own beliefs… When it comes down to it there are facts and fiction… beliefs fall into the grey… Kinda like the male justification for lusting after and objectifing young women as a   primal instinct to spread their seed….    primal instinct-caveman instinct to take or rape her but fantasizing it as a porno where the cave woman is hairless with breast implants who suddenly cant get enough of the old fart or pervert that takes her. While men or trolls spew this entitlement on the internet or wherever to hate on women or promote porn. I see this as dangerous especially when young influential boys hear or read this. Then we wonder why nice middle to upper class young men will gang rape a passed out girl at a party and have absolutely no idea that there is something wrong with it… It happens more than you want know… only few get prosecuted and in the news… I know a victim and her rapists there is photo evidence but she was too humiliated to press charges. I dont understand how a man with children can hold this belief and let his daughter out of sight. Think very hard about how your son may perceive such a belief   especially if he hasn’t experienced much of life… he may need to spread his seed in a very destructive way. Not to mention that young people – male and female are not wanting marriage or families…. Alot of young men are addicted to porn so bad they cant have real sex…. so much for spreading their seed? Shouldn’t a primal instinct come from a natural place? Heck before modern medicine people barely lived beyond 40 on average…. so think about that 40+ year old men that you are not included in the caveman spread your seed theory because you would be the oldest and the weakest in your tribe or dead.

    1. 92.1
      Alexa

      Great points! I agree 100!

      I see a much larger thing going on here too. Men do things that they know are harmful but because they don’t want to stop, they fund evolutionary psychologists to develop bogus studies that allegedly claim something is genetic and therefore ingrained. (And they tell everyone to lay off because these men just can’t help themselves!) I am talking about justifications for male promiscuity and involvement in porn.

      As a doctoral student in psychology, I can tell you first hand that evolutionary psychology and its conclusions are built on a foundation of sand. Like sand castles, the assertions of evolutionary psychology can be easily knocked over and dissolved when a wave hits them.

      I also think pornography is the biggest threat to marriage and family in modern history. As for the old geezers over 40 who are viewing barely legal porn, they need to take a walk in the real world and see how many barely legal girls wantonly lay down at the very sight of them! (They will be hard pressed to find one who isn’t a prostitute.)

      1. 92.1.1
        josiejump1975

        Totally agree, Alexa. Internet porn is doing untold damage to existing and future pair bonding that is so precious for nurturing children. If all teenagers were introduced to cocaine and found it hard to stop in adulthood, would be be willing to accept it as normal?

  13. 93
    EricaX

    There seem to be so many emotions surrounding this issue. Sensitivities on both sides. Something to gain or lose, for both genders.

    Maybe if we stop seeing each other as so separate and different just because we have different sexes, we can come to a place of understanding.

     

    1. 93.1
      zsa zsa

      ppl dont sell books by telling you we are all the same, think about that

  14. 94
    BigLee

    You have to stop and consider the effects of oxytocin. Women release oxytocin during sex and this hormone is associated with love and commitment.  This hormone contributes in making one night stands less appealing for women. Men base the sexual desirability of women on looks for women sexual desirability is a much more complicated thing. So it is not surprising that men are crave sexual novelty more than women.

    1. 94.1
      Val

      BigLee,, go and read about oxytocin on the net. You are not well informed. Oxytocin is a hormon of happiness and pleasure. It is realesed during sex, yes, but also during nursing babies and during other blissful event in our lives. It has nothing to do with commitment….Do not confuse things ….I had lots of release of oxytocin without commitment 🙂 thats because I have a great lover at the moment.

  15. 95
    Alexa

    Hi Evan,

    You are a nice, Jewish boy and so it surprised me that you overlooked several thousand year old cultural anecdote: the concept of Onah. In Judaism, sex is the woman’s right, not the man’s. The ancient Jews knew that women were and are sexually ravenous creatures and I believe this is why Onah is a woman’s right in Judaism. Remember, ancient Judaism allows a woman to divorce for three reasons: if a husband is not providing enough food, clothing, or sex. (And if you consider that long enough I am sure several inappropriate jokes could be formulated based on this.)

  16. 96
    Alexa

    PS-

    I wanted to provide the perspective of my best friend. She just turned 45 and the only man who can keep up with her in bed is her 30 year old fiancé. And even then he cannot keep up with her. Is she promiscuous? Heck no! She is as loyal as the winter days are long. She just doesn’t have any internalized shame over her sexuality and therefore is not afraid to access fully that part of herself. She is not the only one. Once upon a time I was engaged to someone and we were together 4 years. We had sex 2-3 times a day. We did not get married because he left for an older woman. But, that’s okay, I ended up marrying a nice doctor and we have a lovely family together. We don’t have the same time to have fun since we both work. But, 15 years later I still have it bad for him and apparently he feels the same way judging from the way he treats me.

  17. 97
    R.R.

    I think men are more driven to reproduce, while women are driven to have more orgasms. For males, orgasm is connected to sperm release (genetic survival, cloning themselves into the next generation, genetic immortality). For women, orgasm is an end in and of itself. A female’s natural role is to limit reproduction and carefully select which male genes should be passed on, if any at all.   So I would venture to say we are motivated by sex probably equally but for different reasons. Also women have trouble receiving orgasms from men because men often don’t know anything about female anatomy, so women are less driven to cheat because the next guy likely won’t be any better than the current one. Instead we masturbate a lot, turn to other women, or try really really hard to train the male we have (usually a futile endeavor).   Sex for women is all about pleasure, until when or if she decides to get pregnant. For guys, sex is always subconsciously about impregnating; the pleasure is secondary, biologically speaking — hence less nerve endings in dick and less intense orgasms in general compared to women (Then circumcised guys get even LESS pleasure from sex!)

     

     

    Men and women are very different. I think just a lot of people are off the mark in explaining how and why.

  18. 98
    josiejump1975

    All down to the Coolidge effect. Applies to men and women but men more so. Sex starts much earlier for a man. He sees an attractive woman and he is sexually aroused, even if it’s just an image of an attractive woman (hence, men get sexual novelty from porn), when combined with masturbation, the guy’s brain thinks it has just had sex with a real woman.

    Women need more mental and physical stimulation for arousal. They need attention from a man who they find attractive. Women can’t get sexual novelty from porn in the way that men can. They get sexual novelty from being copulated by novel men. Their brain will reward them with promiscuous chemicals (big dopamine hit), if they let novel men copulate them.

    Porn will reward men with a big dopamine hit purely by masturbating to porn.

    Women tend to use porn to feel sexy or to spice up their love life by viewing with a partner. It doesn’t make them feel like they have slept with the man in the image and they will not receive the big dopamine buzz that men get.

    What people don’t realise is that when men view pornography when in a monogamous relationship, they are practising social monogamy, not sexual monogamy.

    The big dopamine buzz is very addictive. That’s why men get addicted to porn. If a woman gets as far as sleeping with a novel lover, while in a long term relationship, she will get those addictive chemicals and come back for more.

    This article explains about the Coolidge effect in men.

    https://ideapod.com/harvard-scientist-reveals-shocking-impact-watching-porn/

    If you look up Coolidge effect in women, you will find that the chemical rewards kick in when being physically copulated by a novel man. Men experience those addictive chemicals much sooner, simply by looking at beautiful women.

    In porno clips, does the woman get wet and aroused simply by looking at the man? No, it’s the things the men say and do to her that make her aroused. That’s why women need foreplay.

    Lots of women being short changed in their long term relationships, when the guy is looking at porn. He’s getting sexual novelty and promiscuous chemicals, whereas she is not.

    Unfortunately, for the guy, the more porn he watches, the more novelty his brain will think he is getting and the more boring his long term relationship will seem. The women gets short changed again, as he will find his long term partner less and less attractive.

    Guys who give porn up for a few months, start to feel closer to their real partner.

    Guys need to think about what porn (internet porn particularly with it’s endless, free and discreet supply of sexual novelty) is doing to their relationships. You don’t get all that fun without cost to your long term relationship.

    Good things come to those who delay their gratification and work towards long term goals, not short term sexual gratification.

    1. 98.1
      josiejump1975

      Just to stress. A female will be choosy about who she lets copulate her. Subconsciously, she will weigh up whether the man is potential father material (good job, good genes (handsome), likely to stick around etc etc). That’s why rape by a novel man will not make a woman feel good. It has to be able to regulate who copulates her.

  19. 99
    antonia

    Many misconceptions are to be read on this blog. In most of the cases they refer to confusing women sexuality with social aspects. Women libido and sexuality are equal to that of men. No doubt about it. The social aspects are the ones pushing us towards monogamy, men and women. Wanting a monogamy isn’t the same as feeling sexual desire (especially sexual longing for other men while in long-term relatioship). Women don’t go off sex in marriages because they dont desire it any longer, but rather because they are bored with sex with the same men. No doubt about this. Men should not be fighting this fact as it is the fact of life. They should tone down their egoistic retorics and think about how they too desire other women and they are obvious and clear about it. So no anger-we are even….

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