Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs

Journalist Susannah Breslin has started a compelling site called Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs.

Yes, that’s all it is.

Here’s what a few big media outlets have to say about it. Salon: “A new blog gives voice to guys who empty their pockets just to see naked flesh, and reveals a lot about male desire.” Newsweek: “Gives men a chance to write anonymously about the complicated reasons they buy sex.” TIME.com: “[A]n online collection of purportedly real letters from sex workers and their customers.”

I’m sharing it with you because, as I see it, my job is help you understand how men think. Of course, every time I tell you how men think, somebody writes back and tells me that I’m wrong. I’ve always found it interesting – the concept of shooting the messenger – but as far as I can tell, I get shot mostly because a) you don’t want to believe that I’m telling the truth or b) you are an exception to the rule, which, of course, doesn’t negate the rule. I can say that it generally gets colder in the winter, and the fact that it may be 79 degrees in LA one day doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get colder in the winter.

In any case, Letters From Strip Clubs is a really entertaining read, right from the horse’s mouth, about why men go to strip clubs. I didn’t find any of it particularly surprising, because I’m, you know, a man. But it’s definitely a worthwhile read.

What resonates most to me is that all of the letters seems a little sad, which describes the state of a lot of men who are just looking for some sort of female connection. These men aren’t to be scorned. Pitied, maybe. But mostly, I hope you understand their loneliness and understand why I spend a lot of time trying to get you to give men a break. You don’t have to like strip clubs, but you can’t deny that their prevalence fills a temporary need for millions of men – not all of whom are scornful perverts, I assure you.

Your thoughts are appreciated, as always.

Join our conversation (141 Comments).
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  1. 61


    If it was just “sex” then women would be addicted to their vibrators. Sex, is a human connection. It is the “person” or the situation you get addicted to, not some “thing” called “sex”. 

    People just aren’t self-aware enough to realize it. They make excuses. 

  2. 62

    You are asking women to accept, to put up with something that they are fundamentally not okay with their mates doing? You say acceptance works better, but when it comes down to it, works better for who? For the guy who gets to happilly keep doing something that his wife/gf is not okay with and suffers with… to keep the relationship in one piece? Seriously?

    Besides that, I think that everyone has their own limits as to what kind of behaviour is acceptable from a mate, what is bothers-me-but-I-can live with it behaviour, and finally, what is dealbreaker behaviour.

    For me, personally, I would be only okay with my partner going to a strip club if I knew that he was someone who really wasn’t into strippers but was just going along to be with his friends. Or if I knew his character well enough to know that he has a lot of self control and wouldn’t do something that would be unacceptable to me and would hurt me if I found out. I draw the line at getting a lap dance, touching, or being touched. Defenitely no women, naked or otherwise, sitting in his lap. Sorry, if that is what a man thinks he “has a right to” because he has been faithful for a number of years, then I would seriously consider ending the relationship. This is a DEALBREAKER for me, and for many women. Like one of my guy friends (god bless him) said to me years ago: “If in your heart, you draw the line at a lap dance, you stick firm to that line, and be a woman. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. And love yourself enough to walk away if the person you’re with can’t and won’t respect what is most important to you.”
    The type of man that I want in my life is sensitive and considerate and honest, and would think of how his actions would impact my feelings. He would have a conscience, and would not be able to make love to me knowing that my heart would break if I knew what he did days or hours earlier. Yes!!! There are men like this!!! Find them, date them, love them, marry them… they would rather not see you hurt than experience a selfish three minutes of some stranger grinding her breasts in his face. I am friends with several of them (see the quote by my awesome friend above), and these are attractive, intelligent men with a lot going for them.

    If on the other hand, you’re honestly okay with your man going to a club and getting a lap dance, good for you. If it turns you on, good for you. If you like going to strip clubs and watching your man get a lap dance, good for you. Enjoy yourself. Go banannas. You are two consenting adults. (I won’t get into my feelings about the MAINSTREAM porn/sex industry here, which I have strong opinions about and which I feel objectifies women.)
    What pisses me off is people acting all high and mighty and because THEY let their husbands and boyfriends get lap dances and it doesn’t bother THEM. This is such an immature, trashy attitude, and it makes me think of a heckler on the Jerry Springer show: “Honey! I’m more woman than you because I let MY man go as wild as he wants at bachelor parties!!! MY man loves me because I”M not a PRUDE!” …get over yourself.
    Before someone gets their panties or briefs in a twist, the reverse also pisses me off: Holier than thou judgment passed on those who have
    different tastes and boundaries… I know someone who is in a committed relationship and likes to get a lap dance from a stripper once in a while. His girlfriend? It turns him on, she gets turned on and likes to watch. Whatever. Personally I don’t understand how she can be okay with this, but we’re talking about another person here, not me. No one is lying to the other, no one is decieving the other, no one is ignoring what they value most, no one is getting hurt. Now that’s really something that “works better”.

    I think I have said all that I have needed to say.

  3. 63

    [email protected]

    I seriously had to laugh out loud at that one Stephen..  

    Next you are going to start telling me I don’t like people who do drugs because I’m jealous they are so ‘happy’. 

    Um, since when is the Kama Sutra ‘porn’.  Because it discusses sexuality?  that does not make it ‘porn’.  I guess you could debate the merits of ‘art’ vs ‘porn’ too.  Most people know what the difference is. 

    Again, ‘porn’ is not instructive in the slightest.  It does absolutely ZERO to help you connect with a real woman.  It does just the opposite, actually.  Maybe you need that little escape… ok… assess THAT why don’t you.  Why you need that escape.  It ain’t all physical, my friend.        

  4. 64


    You said

    “What pisses me off is people acting all high and mighty and because THEY let their husbands and boyfriends get lap dances and it doesn’t bother THEM. This is such an immature, trashy attitude, and it makes me think of a heckler on the Jerry Springer show: “Honey! I’m more woman than you because I let MY man go as wild as he wants at bachelor parties!!! MY man loves me because I”M not a PRUDE!” …get over yourself.”

    This used to piss me off. Now It just makes me glad to be me. When I talk about the sexual intensity I want to feel with my man,(which means neither of us give into any kind of activity that may reduce it) he loves my focus. He loves my intensity and that I want it to be about him.

    A woman giving a man a free-pass to a lap-dance, can be just as controlling as the woman who doesn’t. You think she’s being easy going and one of the guys. Nope. That’s not the way women work.

    Not something men have yet to figure out, but they will.

  5. 65

    I wish to address Dan #9, with my personal experience on the subject of a strong rejection and the harm it does to a sensitive boy at the age of 13. The only reason I am putting myself out there on this subject is to perhaps enlighten from the female experiences I’ve had. I don’t have the answer. Maybe my experiences may help someone in some way, possibly in rearing a son, or a daughter to be more empathetic with the opposite sex.  

    “It was from a shy guy who was hurt when, as a 13 year old, his crush was mean to him. Then he was hurt many times after that through high school. My heart goes out to him. In dating, males have to make the first move. I don’t think females at that age know how much hurt they can inflict on a sensitive boy who makes such a gesture for the first time. People are sensitive, and scars last a long time. This is one of those key differences between men and women that women will never understand.”

    I’m specifically addressing Dan’s statement about females at the age of 13 not knowing how much hurt they can inflict on a sensitive boy and his statement that people are sensitive and scars last a long time. 

    This was my experience with boys at a young age, age 10 to be exact, the summer going into fifth grade, my body started it’s monthly cycle and with that developing breasts. Many of my friends had started “the change”.

    The boys behavior, at that sensitive young age, were relentless in harassing, teasing, laughing, grabbing and snapping bra straps… then the questions started, again more laughter, more talk about how disgusting you were because you bled. You get the idea…by the time I was 13 and boys started to ask me out, I had, had three years of taunting by those same boys. I remember thinking… “you’ve got to be kidding, you want to date me… I have endured 3 years of harassing and now you want to go out with me?”

    Yes, you are correct Dan, scars last a long time, especially at that sensitive age, a harsh rejection… was payback. Nothing more, nothing less. 

    I am 50’s now, I am a petite blond who has had many men ask to date me. It became such a distraction in my early 20’s that I wore a wedding ring out on the nights I wanted to have a girls night out, just so I wouldn’t be hit on. Even in my 50’s I am still getting attention. Now it’s FWB requests from my married male friends. I am also married with children. 

    Could it be that we create problems for ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for? I appreciate Evan’s approach in getting woman to look within themselves, reduce the list, the realization that changing the criteria may produce different results…and possibly everlasting love. Could the solution be as simple as showing the opposite sex more empathy?

  6. 66

    Read a couple of the letters on the site.
    Did not need to read much because of life experience I know about what some people would term shadier businesses.

    Yes it is an exploitative industry for many of the women. And yes many of them, with a few exceptions, do it because they have had certain issues and hardships which influences them to choose that lifestyle.

    Just as many of the men go there seeking the fantasy of a connection free erotic romp, some of the performers are seeking attention and affection, in addtion to the money,  that they did or cannot seem to receive from elsewhere.

    But it is a fantasy pure and simple. And it is, as many people mentioned bereft of the emotional connections people share in normal relationships.
    As posters have said above, dropping a wad of cash for a quick lusty lapdance is easier than trying to connect in a real relationship.
    This ease heightens the appeal for those who either find it difficult to initiate or maintain relationships, or those who for whatever reason are in a relationship but feel it is unfulfilling.

    And to many , a false temporary rush is better than or lets them escape from the effort laden reality of their actual life.  
    Similar to those who find it hard to be in a relationship because they do cannot maintain that initial biochemical high that accompanies initial infatuation. And so the keep switching partners because the slow burn of love is not enough for them.

    I do agree with some of the ladies here that if anyone does not like it, then let it be known and put your fut down about it in regards to a mate.

  7. 67

    Ruins many relationships! The girls are all messed up. They have no healthy boundries.. Men are also unhealthy .. Its a sad sick world . It gets sicker as they move from stage to hotels! Strippers should be in serious therapy

  8. 68

    Does reading a romance novel equate to seeing a live stripper and possibly getting a lapdance?  Wouldn’t the equivalent have to be something like another real-life man paying for a wonderful dinner or something else romantic the woman wants, but that her own man does not have the resources to provide?  That might make him feel sort of the same type of inadequacy that a woman might feel if she compared her own body to that of a stripper.  She is being compared to a real life fantasy that can be touched and interacted with, not words on a page.  I think fantasy is fine, but that when it becomes live, it can be more hurtful and it can be seen as escaping reality.

  9. 69

    @Evan 33
    Evan, thanks for all the invaluable insight. Upon stumbling upon your website because I wanted to know about this whole “Guy / Stripper” dynamic…
    Now, I must say that I have had a few fun random nights with my Gay guy Bff’s at a strip club… DEF fun times.. Funny enough most of the guys I have dated in the past say “I don’t really like strip clubs. I don’t like just giving my money to random girls.” Which I understand but now I have started dating someone new who says he enjoys going to strip clubs because it’s like paying for a “show” and that it’s all about “control” when it comes to actually “hooking up” with a stripper… Hence, he doesn’t go there to “hook up” with a stripper but just to enjoy the “show.” I’d even go as far as saying I may even enjoy going with him if he would to ever ask me or if we ever ended up randomly at one…There is something pretty erotic and sexy about that. As well as even “stripping” for him myself….I mean what’s so wrong about him just giving me dollar bills?
    Since this is a fairly new relationship I’m not too bothered by it but I’m not sure how I would feel if whoever I end up with wants to do this more often than not because he doesn’t really care for baseball games or even going to the movies because he enjoys this as his form of entertainment.
    Thank you for clarifying that being ok with this shows a sense of maturity & being secure but I get the sense that with this guy it’s a little more than the “random bachelor party” thing.”
    i also know in any relationship you can’t “change” anyone about anything you DO just have to accept them as they are but I guess my question is I don’t even know why I’m insecure about him going with his “friends” rather than with me there? I know I know I gotta “trust” but I can’t get over that maybe the “Power” of the “clear heels” will just take over.. It’s like Kryptonite I feel…..
    Signed ,
    Dazed & Confused about Clear heels…

  10. 70

    I have an opinion on this why should we as women in a relationship have to be acceptable of this and say guys just need to be able to fantasize etc. I think it’s not fantasizing any longer when u areactively participating and interacting with a live human being. Fantasing is when it’s make believe and doesn’t really happen . As for it being the same when a woman reads a novel?? That’s by far so different no one except her imagination is there?  Strip clubs r a deal breaker for me. I’d rather be alone than with a man that thinks the occasional once a year lap dance is ok. There are in fact men that don’t like strip clubs . Paying for attention etc. I’m sure these guys saying it is ok , would they be okay if they come home and they find their wife or gf in the kitchen with a naked man and she’s in a chair while he’s rubbing on her getting her all hot and she has an orgasm and thenhs he says oh he oh I just needed a little entertnment  I was a little bored with youAnd this will make tonight so much better. Then give the guy $20 and he leaves. I’m sure no guy would be ok with that!!

  11. 71

    Men are basically perverts, period.  I’ve asked many men, including my boyfriend that, and they concur.  They need to see the female form.  The more exposure of that form, the better.  I, after 53 years on Earth have come to grips with this.  I know that I look good only because I am told this.  I don’t feel that way personally.  I have been in the past a very jealous type person, I guess mainly because I somehow in some distorted way thought that the men I was with would be so satisfied with me that there would be no need to have that extra jolt of leering, and lusting, because I was there.  Wow, what a ding-a-ling I was.  I went to a strip club once so I could study all of the men that were there.  I was so amazed at the diversity of those men.  There were groups, probably from a bachelor party, there were those who sat back all by themselves in the darkest corner so no one (including the girls would notice them), there were a few who sat right underneath the girls and dangled money, there were businessmen who just sat at their tables talking and occasionaly looking at the girls,  there were those who just sat and waited for the girls who were giving lap dances to come around to their table, and there were those who sat at the bar and didn’t look at all.  They each had their own diverse reason for being there.  So I think it is unfair to just judge a man who goes to one as somehow a sad, disatisfied, pathetic, human being.  It gave me a whole new take on that part of the male pshyche.  Also, the green eyed-monster has left my midst.  Can’t change the beast…so I just accept it.

  12. 72

    We overcomplicate thing sometimes.

    Look. Of course men find youth and beauty a turn on. Women typically find older and stronger a turn on. Big whoop.

    I don’t think all men who go to strip-clubs are sad or bad; unless they’re doing it behind their significant other’s back, then I do. I feel bad for women who think strip-clubs and porn are simply a reality and they just have to deal with it. Listen to me, IT IS NOT. I have known so many great faithful men in my life to know there are good ones left.

    I’ve been married for years. I married someone who is strong, handsome, and morally upright more-so than other men. He had been to a strip-club before with friends before we got together. Now, you  have to really know who you’re marrying, gals. Ann, there ARE men out there that will respect you and will explore their sexual fantasies with you, and no other. Basically what I’m saying is REAL men still exist. As shallow as it sounds, I’m thankful I am considered an attractive woman in my late 20’s and I look young for my age. Him and I are in agreement on a number of things, and we’re open about many things even down to how we would feel if we let ourselves go. We’re not shallow people but we easily come to terms with the fact that our appearance is important to both of us, so we try to keep up with our looks. Sometimes it seems women can be a little unfair to men in thinking that men should accept everything about them (like if they gain 100 lbs after a couple years of marriage). Look, there are legitimate excuses to these things, but you have got to realize that body image is important to a marriage (same goes for you men). My husband is completely faithful to me, as I am to him. There was one spot in our marriage where something was lacking, and we opened up about what we basically fantasized about, but were a little too shy to do and that opened the door wide, and things have been great since. This is what a strong marriage looks like. It’s important to open that door before it’s shut and either one of you goes off looking to fulfill that elsewhere.

    My husband and I are also very open about jealousy. We’re both very jealous people, and we both know to tread lightly on this issue. The mutual respect on this helps a lot on these types of issues. Many men hate to admit their jealousy, and that can certainly be harmful when only the woman is the one admitting and feeling like there is something wrong with her.

    Hats off to the women who are perfectly fine and happy with their man groping or gazing at the parts of other naked women. I for one, am not.

  13. 73

    As an ex pimp I will tell you that most married men seek the majority of their infidelity outside of strip clubs. They’re highly regulates and the only “cheating” happens in their minds or in back rooms. That is too much trouble to go through overall.
    Men I have observed go to strip clubs because they wanted that “connection” that the “fantasy” of the stripper would “sell”. And [back then] as long as they were “empty”, I had the answer to their void. It was unfortunate, because I was in a relationship with a woman, committed and never cheated. I would always think to myself that if they would just go find a woman that they could share that connection with then they wouldn’t be half broke, bartering their drugs, Rolexs, cars, etc…But at the time I was all to happy to bring in $2000+ a day (before I got busted, and turned my life around)
    My quick opinion is that there is that lack of social maturity on their part. Of coarse I am talking about married/non-single men who find something outside the “commitment” to fulfill that need. The funny thing is no matter how hot, smart, sexy, skilled a woman is ~ it will never stop a man from “cheating”. Anyone who thinks otherwise is living in a fantasy world just like the men in the strip clubs.
    In “this” world sex is just a physical act of expression. It has nothing to do with love. And if you think you own your mans expressive being then that usually tells me exactly why that John Doe is calling me 3am in the morning. Sure, some stay loyal and never sleep around, but that IS NOT A MEASURING STICK for how much “they love you”. A lot of these men feel suppressed and then creep but I have also saw emotional-immature women respond with more suppression. My conclusion was that the relationship wasn’t mature from the beginning/or not being maintained. Those Johns didn’t call me for no reason – especially when their wives or girlfriends where sleeping naked right next to them every night half naked in the comfort of their homes.
    I felt a lot of the men were looking to fill a void. Again, that’s not all of them. There are those who go for the fun with friends, drinking, sports TV, buffets, and now-a-days strip clubs double as night clubs where everyone just goes. They are not “dependent” on external or other people for their wholeness or happiness. – Again a sign of, or lack of, emotional maturity.
    There are only 2 types of people in strip clubs. Those who “give and don’t get”, and those who “take and never give”. Sometimes, “magic” happens but they are usually doomed because that same relationship dynamic never works. Those places are full of empty dreams, depression, domestic violence, slavery, drug addition and co-dependencies. Strip clubs are the worst places to get a “mans needs met” in a healthy manor vs. a vicious cycle or self-destructive self-programming.
    PS: I think the same goes for massage parlors, night clubs, bars, sexy commercials, online porn, magazines, etc… It can even be YOUR WORK PLACE, co-workers, or that so called “just-a-friend” friend.
    Now I try to advise ex-John Does and I always start out with “Why….why….why….and more why’s?” until they can identify the negative stuff they are using to fill the void, then they simply fill the void with something positive and actually “fulfilling”. And for the women out there – the “answer” is never about “sex”. I think it’s quite ironic.

  14. 74

    right now my man is at the strip club, we haven’t had sex in 1.5 years (his problem not mine), he tells me I’m beautiful and well built and sexy, wtf is going to see strippers, told me he was going to the pool hall with buddies, I was going to get a coffee and saw him walking into the local scummy jiggle joint, he will have some explaining to do when he gets home.  why do men go to see strung out crack heads when they have a beautiful woman at home? I don’t nag or bother him in any way, I am just completely bewildered and frankly very disappointed.

  15. 75

    Madge #74 I am right on your wavelength and I would love to hear Evan’s perspective (or anyone’s for that matter) on my situation.   I just divorced my husband of 2.5 years because I found out he had been frequenting a strip club behind my back — sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes by himself, always the same spot and only when specific dancers (“his favorites”) were working.   He got to know one of them so well that they are now Facebook friends and she often solicited my ex and his buddy to hang out for real after her shift ended.   Did I also mention that he would drive home wasted and/or high on cocaine, and would tell me he was stuck late for work when in actuality he was making a beeline for when “his friend” started her 4:00 shift?  

    To add insult to injury, I have a great body and am very attractive.  I get male attention *constantly* for my looks and physique and my ex-husband often said I was pretty, sexy, and had a great body.   When we got married several of his male co-workers said he had “out-kicked his coverage”.   When push came to shove, he told me he liked his two favorite strippers becuase “they were nice to him.”   When I said I’d be willing to explore sexually with him and even go to a strip club with him, he hemmed and hawed and b.s-ed me to death and said he didnt’ see me that way and that I’m just not supportive or nice enough to him so this is his need to cope with life.   

    To sum up and echo what Madge said — WTF?   What else was I supposed to do and why wasn’t I enough for him even though I am, objectively, hotter than any of the girls at the club he’s been going to?        

    1. 75.1

      Maria, you are better off without him, there is a nicer guy out there for you.

    2. 75.2

      Maria, those girls are paid to listen and be extra attentive, that’s how they get more money out of our stupid men. They aren’t smart enough to realize when they are being conned, all they see is boobies. 
      On a different note, I kicked my man out on New years eve, had enough of his BS, 17 year old attitude.

    3. 75.3
      Karmic Equation

      This is the paradox, Maria. Unfortunately, most hot women don’t get this.
      Hot can hook a man initially, but hot doesn’t keep him around. Same with sex, any sex will get him through the door, and great sex might keep him coming back for a short while, but great sex doesn’t keep him around forever.
      After the novelty of your hotness and sex with you has worn off, a woman has to have more to offer a man to keep him around. It’s usually very easy, if she’s kind, sweet, and supportive. Turn bitchy, clingy, demanding, or entitled, and he’s going to look for an exit strategy.
      And yes, you can be sweet and supportive and he could still cheat on you. In that case, I would submit you didn’t choose a man of integrity to love. That you might have chosen to either deliberately stick your head in the sand or you ignored glaring red flags “because you loved him.” Well you need to be willing to walk away from men who’ve shown you they have little or no integrity. You need to NOT ignore red flags. Then learn to choose better. All within your power. But DON’T choose to “toughen up”. Stay sweet and have faith that good men exist…and you’ll find one. They exist. They just might not make as much as you do. They might not be as well read as you. They may not be climbing a corporate ladder. But they exist. Either that or they only live where I live 🙂

      1. 75.3.1

        Karmic Equation:
        You are right again. Hot is good, but hot won’t keep a man. Having said that, I don’t understand why Maria’s man was so obsessed with strippers. If I had a woman like Maria in my life I would be obsessed (in a totally loving, mentally healthy way) with her and doing things with her. A good woman is hard to find, it is good to keep her happy if possible. 
        Now having said that, this doesn’t appear to be the case with Maria, but for the record, in the past I have run across some really, super hot women who were complete and utter b**ches. They looked great, but that was basically it. I remember one woman in particular who was in her 50s and unmarried. When she was in her 20s she was a “perfect 11” and was still quite attractive in her 50s. She gets attention from men regularly and could easily land a man 10 or 15 years younger than her if she wanted. But so many years of men and even some women worshiping her taught her that if she didn’t get her way, she just needed to do was cry, yell and scream. And this was the way she handled all of her boyfriends and even casual acquaintances. She didn’t like the music on the radio, yell, scream, bitch. Wanted to go somewhere else for dinner? Yell, scream and bitch. Had a rough day at work? Yell, scream and bitch at whoever was nearby.  In other words, she had the emotional maturity of a spoiled three-year-old. Who wants that for a long term relationship? Once the thrill of having sex with a girl who likes like she stepped out of Playboy wears off, what do you have, what are you left with. You have, essentially, nothing.

  16. 76

    Guys going to strip clubs isn’t anything new. I’ve dated guys who went there occasionally and even have had happy ending massage thing and told me about it…I always thought there was more. I don’t think it’s a big deal as long as they’re not blowing entire paychecks every week on that stuff. 

    I just get angry about the guys who don’t own up to going there to see young hot girls. I know that not every guy goes to strip clubs, but there are a lot that do and do so with some regularity, but deny like crazy. They say strippers are nasty and disgusting, but they blow a ton of cash on them (my father). Then, they stumble in late covered in booty dust. That to me is disgusting.  

  17. 77

    I do not believe in strip bars. I think it’s morally wrong. When two people are in a relationship and or marriage all these issues should be talked about up front. Communication is the key success to any relationship. Men… From my experience… A lot of men are one sided. I can go to strip clubs, but you cannot. I can go use my time, energy, money, and emotions by sharing all this with naked women, but you can’t go or better yet I am selfish and don’t want other men looking at you strip. Well if a man wants to share all of those things by going to strip bars then he should be able to let his wife strip in front of others. Why not? He is sharing his eyes to look… His mouth to comment… His lap… His time… His energy… Emotions… And money so his partner should be able to share something. They cannot have it both ways. I personally do not pass judgement on anyone… Not my place. So for me my husband and I got this straight the first several months we dated. If a partner wants this type of life then plain and simple do not continue the relationship and get married. 

  18. 78

    Ladies…what is all the fuss about? Grab your girlfriends on a Friday or Saturday night, and head to the nearest male stripclub! You will have just as much fun and maybe more than your men. Kick up your highheels ! And stop whining !!!!

  19. 79

    Well, I do believe that it is degrading to women and it makes me feel like nothing. I actually hear that I am sexy person, and from many guys, yet I don’t feel that I have to act like a stripper to be appreciated. I honestly think that that industry has ruined it for us “normal” women. It makes me feel jealous, threatened and basically, my opinion about it doesn’t matter. Put up or shut up. I agree that many women are too picky…but, if I am not getting sex and am not treated like a goddess, why should I be ok with my guy giving a stranger, who gets paid, that attention? Ever? That is bs. I am sick of the excuses for going…it really is a sick industry. It makes me sad for those women who work there…that is all they think they are to a man…”entertainment…a sex slave.”

    1. 79.1

      I don’t agree with everything you have said and I don’t feel jealous of strippers or prostitutes etc.  I feel sorry that they have no options but to be pieces of meat for the depravity of men.  If they had better options, better education , better starts in life, more help then they probably would choose to do anything else than be objects that men just want to use as disposable pieces of shit.  Who would choose this employment, given a choice?  I have met a few of these women and they are screwed up and pretty much hate men and I don’t blame them. I’d hate men too in their position.  Men are weak and gormless to them.  We need to make societies where all girls have the chance at education and real jobs- then men will be stuffed. haha.  Probably not in my lifetime but soon I hope.

  20. 80

    I’d been trying to bee the “cool” gf for years, tolerating him going to bikini bars by himself occasionally, until he came home from a bikini bar just the other night with some other woman’s makeup/foundation all over his face.  It broke my heart to see the evidence of his activities & know that even though I set a boundary of no touching and no lap dances, he did it anyway.  I felt totally disregarded, insignificant, & disrespected by him, and am having a very hard time getting over this.  

    I’ve now made it clear that I’m not comfortable with him going to these places at all, period.  So, he had it good, but screwed it all up for himself by crossing my boundary and just may lose me if I ever discover he’s gone to one of these places again.  I feel I’m justified after the awful way I found out he’d crossed my intimacy boundary.  Intimate touching is going too far!


    1. 80.1
      Karmic Equation

      You’re NOT being a cool gf to put up with that. You’re being a doormat.
      Instead of yelling, screaming, crying, or guilting him for crossing your boundaries, leave him for a few days (if you’re living with him) or tell him you need some space because what he did was so wrong.
      Use that time away to rethink your relationship. By your just putting on the riot act without any consequences, he has no incentive to change. He’ll just do it again.
      Give your relationship some space. Let him live life without you for a few days. The risk is that he might like his freedom. If that’s the case he wasn’t the right guy for you anyway. If he comes back and shows contrition, then negotiate the terms that will make you happy. If he fails to live up to those terms, you must leave him. No wiggle room. Wiggle room is what makes a woman a door mat. Don’t make empty threats. Ever. In a relationship if you spell out consequences, you need to make sure you follow through with them. So don’t make threats you can’t follow through on.

      1. 80.1.1

        Thanks KE.  We do live together, have been together for almost 4 years, and we just got engaged a month ago.  The problem is, if I mention leaving just temporarily, he goes ballistic and it would mean the end of us in his eyes, even if I just wanted a small break.  I cannot even threaten to leave without him totally freaking out due to his abandonment issues.  So it puts me in a tough spot.  

        After last week’s seedy incident, I said that if he needs this stuff in his life I will not tolerate it (ie, I’ll be gone) and he said that he loves me enough that if it bothers me so much he’ll not go anymore, but I’m not holding my breath.  I’ve loved an addict in the past & wasted years of my life trying to help that addict, so I’m now afraid I just put myself in the same situation again w/this guy & his titty bars. *sigh*

        It never seems to end and all I want is peace and contentment with someone who loves and treats me as I love & treat him.  Why’s that so hard to find?

        1. Karmic Equation

          Because you’re ignoring red-flags, Michelle. Do you REALLY want to be married to a man who “goes ballistic” if you, deservedly, need some space? If you know him enough that you “won’t be holding your breath” for him to keep this promise, why are you with him? Sunk costs?
          Sunk costs are the worst possible reason for staying with a man. A man “saying” he loves you, but acts as if he’s single (coming back with evidence of infidelity) — that you actually forgive… he’s not going to treat you better once you’re married, Michelle. In fact, it’s almost a guarantee that he will treat you worse.
          Stand up for yourself. Take the risk of losing him — I’m really sorry, he doesn’t sound like a prize to me. You’re accepting unacceptable behavior because you fear being alone or sunk costs. Stay in a relationship with a man who makes you happy, not stresses you out or who controls you with his anger. Those are pretty big red flags to me.
          Good luck, Michelle.

  21. 81

    Thanks again KE, you are absolutely right about it all.  I am almost 45 and scared to start over yet again at my age.  I figure every unattached guy in my age range is gonna come with some kind of major baggage/flaws & I have to choose what BS I’m willing to put up with no matter who it is at this point.  

    He and I are compatible in so many other ways and he has my heart, so I just wanna stick with this one and make it work into my golden years.

    After many years of experience dealing with all kinds of men, I realize that the “perfect, flawless guy” doesn’t exist and I don’t want to grow old alone with no love, affection, or companionship, I really don’t; why is that so bad to say out loud?

    1. 81.1


      Not sure how old your comment is but please leave him.  He’s not worth your time, love, devotion, and energy.  Don’t fear being alone for a few years.

  22. 82

    with all do respect… Just get real people! I don’t have anything against strip clubs I think some men not all have no common sense at all. Just get to the bottom of it alright! to all the who likes going to this places…. do you really think that this young hot strippers likes you…into you? that you are hot? 🙂 62 year old what ever or man with a ring..lonely man ? or lonely man? seriously get real thats the strippers job to make you feel hot and your are all that! Of course the need they need good money/Tip. at the end of the day your problems are not resolved and this is not the way to resolve your issues/ mental emotional… I don’t have any sympathy for the married men or in relationship I am sorry specially those men with children. Let me ask you people! is that hot men or woman in the strip club better looking than your children’s faces and your wife hating you for life and destroying your marriage trust? is it worth it? think think think again if it then there is something terribly wrong with you and needs councilor both regular and church…. If its okay with your wife or husband to be going to this places then its simply because they are doing the same thing. One thing you guys need to understand about woman is that if they don’t get mad its coz they will get even and you won’t find out about it…unless that person is like me who loves God first. If you truly want to a fulfilling peaceful life then you need to find a men or a woman that Loves GOD first then you will be fine. it will be hard but you will be able to manage no matter what. its very sad the world we are leaving now!! super self centered…. you guys keep on talking about the men.. the woman… you don’t realize the real sadness is the children involve because of an hour of empty promises..paid confidence or “me time”. I’ve seen it happen a lot even at work… good people divorce because of one stupid wrong choice! not mistake CHOICE people. now here are kids with broken family not to mention if you are a parent an ant uncle… you are the most influential people in those children life.  one of my coworker gave HIVE to his wife and baby….its better than  your wife or husband alright? and for those parents who thinks this things are okay yeah 13 year old daughter pregnant don’t no the father…I wonder why because both mom and dad are whore what do you expect. such a mess ….Love is not LUST. and wrong doings is now called Freedom.  Nobody can make any one happy or in peace only God. and please don’t judge me mentioning God I’m just being realistic. nobody can’t do it alone. He never fail or left me.

    1. 82.1

      Your reply is wonderful and refreshing to see, especially what you wrote about acts of wrongdoing now being considered freedoms. Amen to you , at least you will go to your grave knowing that you didn’t take advantage of somebody’s love and devotion. People don’t know better until the act is done with, and ,sadly, they can never know what real faithfulness and abiding love would have been when they never walk the walk and then in the end theyve got what they’ve got.

  23. 83

    Everything Fades… Looks but not humor,love, care…I guess what i am trying to say is that when you are married and old that thing does not work anymore because you will need companionship. trust me men needs a woman that makes them laugh for life…hugs them…take care of them… You don’t even own your own body treat it will all respect in anything and everything you do..do it for God. You don’t even own yourself it belong to God.
    1 Corinthians 6:19-20New International Version (NIV)
    19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
    For all the people working there in strip clubs its not too late… you have a choice…If you ask God for forgiveness he will give it to you. If you want a real job and if you really want a man that will truly love you…it possible and beautiful children. For those married men or in relationship work it out with your partner don’t wait until its too late. For those who are lonely single men I hope you find a wonderful woman that can talk to you and take care of you but you don’t meet  this person in the fantasy land… Just saying. Now you guys are probably wondering who am I to tell you this and what to do… I am not its still a choice. I have been through a lot and if I tell you my story you guys won’t believe how much I have gone through. wish you guys the best and hope you guys make good choices in your life.

  24. 84

    I guess I’ll tell my personal strip club story…

    First off, I’m 34 and have always been single and terribly shy around women in person (and sometimes online).

    Back in college I became friends with a guy who loved strip clubs and he used to take me to all of them in this city.  Sure, I enjoyed it.  It was new and something different from the usual clubs and bars where I couldn’t get any female attention as a shy, 5’6″, 130 lb kid.

    Fast forward a few years and this friend has moved out of town.  Since he’s gone I no longer go to strip clubs.  However, I’ve started cross-dressing.  It’s sexual for me and I love feeling feminine–it’s something I still enjoy.  When I first started dressing I’d go to gay clubs as they were always accepting.  Not being gay, they got boring pretty fast and I wanted to expand my horizons.  I found a strip club I had been to with my friend and introduced my guy side, became friends with some of the dancers and staff, and slowly told them about my dressing.  They were all very accepting and so I started going there dressed up.  I started going to other clubs and bars dressed as well, some happened to be strip clubs too.  Telling my stripper, bouncer, and bartender friends about my dressing and being able to go there dressed without judgement was wonderful and I quickly had a few favorite hangouts.

    These days I have a favorite strip club that I go to once or twice a week along with my other favorite bars and lounges.  I’m friends with many of the girls (I helped one pack and move from her apartment to her parents’ house as she prepared to go back to college) oand we sometimes hang out after their shifts.  I do tip them (lap dances as illegal where I live) but the strip club doesn’t fulfill any fantasy of mine.  I genuinely like the people (girls, bartenders, owners, bouncers, other regulars, etc).  Sure, some of girls have drug and alcohol dependency issues, are unhappy with the work, and engage in some questionable activities, but I don’t treat them like sexual objects.  I do my best to be a friend and to listen if they want to talk.

    Would I keep my strip club outings a secret from a girlfriend or wife?  Not at all. I’d want her to join me and meet my friends.  Some of us are hoping to get together outside the club and go out for a few drinks and dinner.  We’re also trying to coordinate costumes for Halloween. 🙂

    1. 84.1

      I should also add that I have another friend who loved strip clubs and we’ve been to quite a few in this city, Vegas, and other places.  I’ve had many lap dances and as a guy, yes, I enjoyed them a lot.  I saw an attractive female, got a lap dance, and if it was good I probably got another one.  I never touched them. I was always nice.  I always knew there would never be a relationship or sex nor did I pursue either.  Would I get a lap dance if I was in a relationship?  Perhaps.  That’s something me and my partner would have to discuss.  Could I live without it? Certainly.  Would I be fine with her having a girls night out at a male strip club?  Sure. Am I fine with her watching porn? Sure.  I’d like to watch it together but there would be times when we’d probably want some alone time with the internet.  I have no intention of keeping my porn viewing a secret just as I have no intention of keeping my cross-dressing and other kinks a secret.  Hopefully she feels free to express her sexual desires too.

      Finally, would I date a stripper? Sure.  There are good ones and bad ones, just as there are good guys and bad guys who go to strip clubs.  I’ve met some girls who were really sweet and no, I wouldn’t ask them to stop stripping if that’s what they enjoyed. 🙂

  25. 85

    People need to get over the stripper thing, seriously, it’s a bunch of young women taking their clothes off in venues specifically and legally designed for that purpose. If she’s smart she’s getting a lot further ahead than most do in their day jobs, many of them have crap paying day jobs (like nurses and apprentices). It’s hardly the end of civilization, you want to worry about something worry about the drug dealers patrolling school zones looking for kids to sell for them, or human trafficking, or the extremists who want to run your country, not a bunch of nude women who keep to themselves and mind their own business. You’re giving them way too much credit, strippers could only wish they had as much power as people think they do.

    It’s a job, a boring cold clinical job, the women are there to make money (and the industry is about money) and they couldn’t give a toss about the guys that go there, no way would they want to have sex with one of them, places where they do aren’t strip clubs they’re brothels with a strip club front and always in trouble with police, actual strip clubs hate them. Strippers aren’t “sex workers” either they’re adult entertainers, there’s a difference, saying strippers are prostitutes is like saying every masseuse gives a happy ending, it’s pure fantasy, as it is a lot of clubs don’t allow close enough proximity to look like touching let alone grinding on some guy.

    They aren’t promiscuous either, if anything they’re probably having less sex than you partly because their tollerance for creeps outside of work is so low after dealing with that at work all night they won’t date anyone who doesn’t have his head on straight (and belive me the top strippers date competitively, if he’s not hot property he’s not on her radar, your boyfriend definitely isn’t her type), and partly because the hours and physical exhaustion are a killer. The idiots you see playing up in nightclubs are amateurs, if “that” girl really is a stripper she’s about to be fired but more often than not she’s a civilian who’s done a pole class playing dress up.

    Aren’t you all sick of the ignorant rhetoric yet, same old crap, boring, it’s just looking for a dog to kick, check your facts and get over yourselves there’s a whole world out there you know nothing about. If you want to contribute to the kind of world where it’s ok to take shots at people you see as being beneath you go ahead but remember everyone falls sometime and your turn to be the subject of ridicule will cone if the world you’ve built around you has been one of judging people. You get back what you have cultivated.

    If your boyfriend goes to strip clubs go with him and have a look for yourself, see what he gets up to there, what kind of place is it, how does he behave, then you’ll know what you’re dealing with both in terms of the club and more importantly him, how a man behaves in a strip club reveals a lot about his views on women. If he disrespects one woman he will disrespect you too because for men like that it’s too easy to reframe women as he sees fit to justify mistreating them, you could be a picture of dometic chastity and he will still find a way to call you a homewrecking tart because some other guy checked you out and he didn’t like it, guys like that, it’s all about them.

    Ultimately the point is not if it’s ok for him to go, it’s are you comfortable with it, a partner with a different world view to you is going to be incompatible in other ways too. If the answer is no you aren’t ok with it and he goes anyway rationalizing his behaviour he cares more about himself than he does you, he’s not respecting you, he’s a selfish bum and you should dump him and go out with someone who has a bit more maturity.

  26. 86
    Modern conservative

    Sad truth is our society has been brainwashed through media and our culture has drastically fallen when it comes to moral standards to where this topic is even being discussed. Its pretty sad that this generation completely thrieves on individual rights and freedom even within relationships. Personally i would never marry a man that has the urge to go to a strip club or who enjoys beating his meat watching porn. Why get married then? Many women think its ok since they dont want to suffocate their spouse but i guess i would never be one of them. Its still visual infidility if you ask me. Its hard to find good men like that in a such a promiscuous culture where normal jealuosy is automatically linked to insecurity in a heartbeat. Where even such an auspicious, beautiful unionship such as marriage is deteriorating and even worst losing its true meaning!  Personally this modernization of culture tends to benefit men more than women and over time women are drifting more away from their emotions trying to fit in because in todays society, emotions seem to have no room. You have to be ok with a lot of things. Whether if your husband likes to watch porn, likes going to strip clubs, has a lot of girlfriends, likes to watch certain movies..you either have to be ok or you dont but its your personal choice. I will never be ok and if it means being single forever so be it. But hopefully ill find someone i never have to worry about who hes looking at or who hes lusting on. Because ill be his everything! And those of you that believe the who “a man by nature” bs all i have to say is i believe that its been enough time for a man to finally evolve and be capable to adapt to a monogomous lifestyle. No need to go back in evolution and act like primates.

    1. 86.1

      I love what you wrote and endorse every word. Unfortunately, I must be a lot older because the naivety of what you wrote is palpable. Men are still basically primates – over and over and over again I meet men (I’m an academic) and think ‘wow, he’s not like the others’ and sooner or later, yep he’s basically an animal dressed in a collar.  NONE of them have evolved and if you’ve read here enough you will see a culture of ‘well it’s just the way we are and it’s totally normal and you women are up tight and have to accept it or you’ll be single forever’….. I’ve chosen the single path. There isn’t a man alive on this planet who doesn’t have nasty secrets about what they do behind closed doors – Martin Luther King cheated and plagiarised, Clinton was disgusting etc etc…. The only way to not have it impact on us is to stay single.  You could go through my computer, past, everything and find nothing – not even porn (boring) – why is it so hard for men to not be animals?  I don’t know and at my age, I also don’t care anymore. Good luck with finding your unicorn. Don’t be too disappointed when he doesn’t exist. Life can still be great. 🙂

  27. 87

    What about the wife who worked her ass off full time while her pathetic husband played “stay at home dad” because he could not keep a job, and then because he was cheating at strip joints all the time, he assumed (which makes an ASS out of you and me) that she was cheating, too.  However, in fact, she was not cheating – all she was doing was working her ASS off for 24 years to support his dead ass and their 4 children.  What about that fucking scenario Bob?

  28. 88

    I am triggered by this situation and considering this might be a deal breaker for me in my current relationship.

    First off I don’t find anything wrong going to these places if you’re single.
    If you’re in a relationship I do only if it’s NOT ok with the woman and here’s why…

    I want women to really ask themselves if your guy is doing  this  and you don’t  like it do you really VALUE yourself enough to tolerate this behavior?

    Why make it OK if it’s not OK with you?

    My bf said he had to do it the past for clients where he was working because his boss’s wife didn’t want him to do it. I find that very interesting.  I don’t care what he did in the past so I get it.

    Side note- I don’t think ANY business is getting done because how can it when you are in a dopamine state allowing your brain to wire and fire?  It’s just about impossible to be in a higher state of mind to do business unless you’re using the dopamine to Pavlov your client’s then I guess your a brilliant businessman.

    Back to my relationship..
    Now we are talking about getting engaged and this was a major issue that has come up for me. He told me that he doesn’t like strip clubs and the last time he went was about 19 years ago.  He thinks it’s disgusting…but if he was in a situation with some guys that wanted to go he wants to know if that would be grounds for divorce.

    This is a huge issue for me since my father slept with many strippers during his marriage to my mother.  It’s a trigger and what it did for me as a child that it created a HIGH VALUE on having a relationship where I felt respected  as a woman.  That’s the positive I took out of the situation.

    It’s something that I am definitely willing to explore about myself but I am not willing to negotiate what I feel could be very disrespectful to me in my highest values which is NOT being addressed here.  What’s being addressed, is the biological/chemical process of how men are wired.

    So when I hear this I think we are making excuses as women that it’s OK because “Oh that’s how they are wired!”


    I get that but there’s more to what the WOMEN are saying and what the men are not hearing..
    I am going to offer the women here a different perspective…

    It doesn’t matter biologically how men are wired. What matters is if him going to strip clubs doesn’t feel aligned with you in your relationship and what you want.  I want the women to really think about this.  Don’t accept something at face value and explore what you want.

    If it’s OK with you and you’re not feeling a conflict then there’s nothing wrong with having your man do it. However, if you feel that you will resent your man by going then why is it your problem to get over it?

    You see this is the problem that’s not being addressed. I see this completely one-sided and not allowing women to choose what’s best for them.  Before you commit to someone this should be addressed and it’s something I see in hindsight for me.

    I had a deep conversation with my boyfriend and told him exactly what I felt. I also said this is something that I must process because I don’t know if I am OK with it.  I really want to see both sides but in the end it’s my life and who I choose to spend it with.

    He feels there’s a very slight chance it will ever happen but wants the assurance if he does that I won’t leave him.

    When I hear this, what’s happening in my mind is that he VALUES business more than me. Which is fine if that’s more important to him and I can make the choice whether I feel that will work for me or not.

    Why are we making the women wrong for what we feel and blaming solely on biology? I’ve dated men that didn’t like those places whatsoever.  I am an attractive, woman that has no issues dating men and I am not about to settle or pretzel myself for a man because he seeks the approval of his peers or would rather get the business deal.   I am not making him wrong it’s just what he values if that’s the case.  I love myself enough to really look at this issue.  I also love him but I am looking at life long commitment so I will not take this lightly.

    I also want to look at this issue deeply with a professional to see if I do want to change my mind.
    I think it’s healthy to see both sides but still make the decision based on what’s best for me.

    If I tell him I don’t want him to do it at all and he regretfully says “OK,” he will resent me. It will be an unresolved issue that will keep bubbling up.   Which is not fair to him.

    If he were to look at my side to see what would be the benefits to him by not going to himself, to me, and the other areas of his life then I know it would shift him.   And the drawbacks as well if he were to go as it applies to his highest values . There are always going to be benefits and drawbacks.

    I could also do the same as well for having him go (benefits and drawbacks) but at the same time I have to be honest and really think through this and figure out what really is the most important thing for me.  It’s a tough decision and he agreed to explore this together with a therapist. I am not attached to the outcome either.

    Ladies, there’s no wrong answer here but what you must do is not comprise yourself and make it OK if it’s truly not what you want.   It will send a message to your unconscious mind and you will later resent your man.   The same thing goes for men.  If you can’t be who you want to be then you will regret it.

  29. 89

    As in all things, there is a spectrum or distribution to those situations.

    I am reminded of a gf who asked me “Do you ever watch porn? “Cause none of the guys I ever dated watched porn!” I laughed and replied “Oh dear! ALL the guys you dated DID watch porn, but they told you what you wanted to hear. Absolutely ALL of them! Here’s a big difference with me. I am not willing to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. I watch porn. Reasonably. Occasionally. Legal stuff, and I’m not into younger women per say, though a vid may catch my eye!”

    So you never went to the male stripper club for a bachelorette party? Women are far wilder in those places than men in gender-reversed spots.

    Business is business. Taking a client to a gent’s club depends on the client, or the field of endeavor. No business gets discussed or done at the club. You seem to miss the entire point: taking the client out is abotu relationship / networking maintenance. A bonding thing.

    As to what happens IN a club, or w strippers, depending on the country, there are variants on the “menu” (in Latin America, a strip joint is pretty much akin to a brothel). Here’s a thought: you go to a restaurant, and see the menu. Are you obligated to eat the 5-course meal with extra whipped cream on your Death By Choco 2-pound piece of cake? No! Or in a Dairy Queen, you can have a jumbo Blizzard or a small soft ice-cream vanilla cone (never mind that DQ is no longer ice cream, the example serves our purpose). Your guy can talk, have a drink, watch the floor/stage show, and not get into anything else. At which point, the whole thing remains (mostly silicone implant) eye-candy. A younger guy, especially if never having had his flirtatious period, may be more tempted to go beyond that. An insidiously unfaithful man will get the lap dances, VIP room and the like. Know who you’re with!

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