Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs

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Journalist Susannah Breslin has started a compelling site called Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs.

Yes, that’s all it is.

Here’s what a few big media outlets have to say about it. Salon: “A new blog gives voice to guys who empty their pockets just to see naked flesh, and reveals a lot about male desire.” Newsweek: “Gives men a chance to write anonymously about the complicated reasons they buy sex.” TIME.com: “[A]n online collection of purportedly real letters from sex workers and their customers.”

I’m sharing it with you because, as I see it, my job is help you understand how men think. Of course, every time I tell you how men think, somebody writes back and tells me that I’m wrong. I’ve always found it interesting – the concept of shooting the messenger – but as far as I can tell, I get shot mostly because a) you don’t want to believe that I’m telling the truth or b) you are an exception to the rule, which, of course, doesn’t negate the rule. I can say that it generally gets colder in the winter, and the fact that it may be 79 degrees in LA one day doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get colder in the winter.

In any case, Letters From Strip Clubs is a really entertaining read, right from the horse’s mouth, about why men go to strip clubs. I didn’t find any of it particularly surprising, because I’m, you know, a man. But it’s definitely a worthwhile read.

What resonates most to me is that all of the letters seems a little sad, which describes the state of a lot of men who are just looking for some sort of female connection. These men aren’t to be scorned. Pitied, maybe. But mostly, I hope you understand their loneliness and understand why I spend a lot of time trying to get you to give men a break. You don’t have to like strip clubs, but you can’t deny that their prevalence fills a temporary need for millions of men – not all of whom are scornful perverts, I assure you.

Your thoughts are appreciated, as always.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Michelle

    Thanks again KE, you are absolutely right about it all.   I am almost 45 and scared to start over yet again at my age.   I figure every unattached guy in my age range is gonna come with some kind of major baggage/flaws & I have to choose what BS I’m willing to put up with no matter who it is at this point.   

    He and I are compatible in so many other ways and he has my heart, so I just wanna stick with this one and make it work into my golden years.

    After many years of experience dealing with all kinds of men, I realize that the “perfect, flawless guy” doesn’t exist and I don’t want to grow old alone with no love, affection, or companionship, I really don’t; why is that so bad to say out loud?

    1. 81.1
      Kevin

      Michelle–

      Not sure how old your comment is but please leave him.   He’s not worth your time, love, devotion, and energy.   Don’t fear being alone for a few years.

  2. 82
    Heart

    with all do respect… Just get real people! I don’t have anything against strip clubs I think some men not all have no common sense at all. Just get to the bottom of it alright! to all the who likes going to this places…. do you really think that this young hot strippers likes you…into you? that you are hot? 🙂 62 year old what ever or man with a ring..lonely man ? or lonely man? seriously get real thats the strippers job to make you feel hot and your are all that! Of course the need they need good money/Tip. at the end of the day your problems are not resolved and this is not the way to resolve your issues/ mental emotional… I don’t have any sympathy for the married men or in relationship I am sorry specially those men with children. Let me ask you people! is that hot men or woman in the strip club better looking than your children’s faces and your wife hating you for life and destroying your marriage trust? is it worth it? think think think again if it then there is something terribly wrong with you and needs councilor both regular and church…. If its okay with your wife or husband to be going to this places then its simply because they are doing the same thing. One thing you guys need to understand about woman is that if they don’t get mad its coz they will get even and you won’t find out about it…unless that person is like me who loves God first. If you truly want to a fulfilling peaceful life then you need to find a men or a woman that Loves GOD first then you will be fine. it will be hard but you will be able to manage no matter what. its very sad the world we are leaving now!! super self centered…. you guys keep on talking about the men.. the woman… you don’t realize the real sadness is the children involve because of an hour of empty promises..paid confidence or “me time”. I’ve seen it happen a lot even at work… good people divorce because of one stupid wrong choice! not mistake CHOICE people. now here are kids with broken family not to mention if you are a parent an ant uncle… you are the most influential people in those children life.   one of my coworker gave HIVE to his wife and baby….its better than   your wife or husband alright? and for those parents who thinks this things are okay yeah 13 year old daughter pregnant don’t no the father…I wonder why because both mom and dad are whore what do you expect. such a mess ….Love is not LUST. and wrong doings is now called Freedom.   Nobody can make any one happy or in peace only God. and please don’t judge me mentioning God I’m just being realistic. nobody can’t do it alone. He never fail or left me.

    1. 82.1
      Mummamama

      Your reply is wonderful and refreshing to see, especially what you wrote about acts of wrongdoing now being considered freedoms. Amen to you , at least you will go to your grave knowing that you didn’t take advantage of somebody’s love and devotion. People don’t know better until the act is done with, and ,sadly, they can never know what real faithfulness and abiding love would have been when they never walk the walk and then in the end theyve got what they’ve got.

  3. 83
    Heart

    Everything Fades… Looks but not humor,love, care…I guess what i am trying to say is that when you are married and old that thing does not work anymore because you will need companionship. trust me men needs a woman that makes them laugh for life…hugs them…take care of them… You don’t even own your own body treat it will all respect in anything and everything you do..do it for God. You don’t even own yourself it belong to God.
    1 Corinthians 6:19-20New International Version (NIV)
    19  Do you not know that your bodies are temples  of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  20  you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies.
    For all the people working there in strip clubs its not too late… you have a choice…If you ask God for forgiveness he will give it to you. If you want a real job and if you really want a man that will truly love you…it possible and beautiful children. For those married men or in relationship work it out with your partner don’t wait until its too late. For those who are lonely single men I hope you find a wonderful woman that can talk to you and take care of you but you don’t meet   this person in the fantasy land… Just saying. Now you guys are probably wondering who am I to tell you this and what to do… I am not its still a choice. I have been through a lot and if I tell you my story you guys won’t believe how much I have gone through. wish you guys the best and hope you guys make good choices in your life.

  4. 84
    Kevin

    I guess I’ll tell my personal strip club story…

    First off, I’m 34 and have always been single and terribly shy around women in person (and sometimes online).

    Back in college I became friends with a guy who loved strip clubs and he used to take me to all of them in this city.   Sure, I enjoyed it.   It was new and something different from the usual clubs and bars where I couldn’t get any female attention as a shy, 5’6″, 130 lb kid.

    Fast forward a few years and this friend has moved out of town.   Since he’s gone I no longer go to strip clubs.   However, I’ve started cross-dressing.   It’s sexual for me and I love feeling feminine–it’s something I still enjoy.   When I first started dressing I’d go to gay clubs as they were always accepting.   Not being gay, they got boring pretty fast and I wanted to expand my horizons.   I found a strip club I had been to with my friend and introduced my guy side, became friends with some of the dancers and staff, and slowly told them about my dressing.   They were all very accepting and so I started going there dressed up.   I started going to other clubs and bars dressed as well, some happened to be strip clubs too.   Telling my stripper, bouncer, and bartender friends about my dressing and being able to go there dressed without judgement was wonderful and I quickly had a few favorite hangouts.

    These days I have a favorite strip club that I go to once or twice a week along with my other favorite bars and lounges.   I’m friends with many of the girls (I helped one pack and move from her apartment to her parents’ house as she prepared to go back to college) oand we sometimes hang out after their shifts.   I do tip them (lap dances as illegal where I live) but the strip club doesn’t fulfill any fantasy of mine.   I genuinely like the people (girls, bartenders, owners, bouncers, other regulars, etc).   Sure, some of girls have drug and alcohol dependency issues, are unhappy with the work, and engage in some questionable activities, but I don’t treat them like sexual objects.   I do my best to be a friend and to listen if they want to talk.

    Would I keep my strip club outings a secret from a girlfriend or wife?   Not at all. I’d want her to join me and meet my friends.   Some of us are hoping to get together outside the club and go out for a few drinks and dinner.   We’re also trying to coordinate costumes for Halloween. 🙂

    1. 84.1
      Kevin

      I should also add that I have another friend who loved strip clubs and we’ve been to quite a few in this city, Vegas, and other places.   I’ve had many lap dances and as a guy, yes, I enjoyed them a lot.   I saw an attractive female, got a lap dance, and if it was good I probably got another one.   I never touched them. I was always nice.   I always knew there would never be a relationship or sex nor did I pursue either.   Would I get a lap dance if I was in a relationship?   Perhaps.   That’s something me and my partner would have to discuss.   Could I live without it? Certainly.   Would I be fine with her having a girls night out at a male strip club?   Sure. Am I fine with her watching porn? Sure.   I’d like to watch it together but there would be times when we’d probably want some alone time with the internet.   I have no intention of keeping my porn viewing a secret just as I have no intention of keeping my cross-dressing and other kinks a secret.   Hopefully she feels free to express her sexual desires too.

      Finally, would I date a stripper? Sure.   There are good ones and bad ones, just as there are good guys and bad guys who go to strip clubs.   I’ve met some girls who were really sweet and no, I wouldn’t ask them to stop stripping if that’s what they enjoyed. 🙂

  5. 85
    Theotherside

    People need to get over the stripper thing, seriously, it’s a bunch of young women taking their clothes off in venues specifically and legally designed for that purpose. If she’s smart she’s getting a lot further ahead than most do in their day jobs, many of them have crap paying day jobs (like nurses and apprentices). It’s hardly the end of civilization, you want to worry about something worry about the drug dealers patrolling school zones looking for kids to sell for them, or human trafficking, or the extremists who want to run your country, not a bunch of nude women who keep to themselves and mind their own business. You’re giving them way too much credit, strippers could only wish they had as much power as people think they do.

    It’s a job, a boring cold clinical job, the women are there to make money (and the industry is about money) and they couldn’t give a toss about the guys that go there, no way would they want to have sex with one of them, places where they do aren’t strip clubs they’re brothels with a strip club front and always in trouble with police, actual strip clubs hate them. Strippers aren’t “sex workers” either they’re adult entertainers, there’s a difference, saying strippers are prostitutes is like saying every masseuse gives a happy ending, it’s pure fantasy, as it is a lot of clubs don’t allow close enough proximity to look like touching let alone grinding on some guy.

    They aren’t promiscuous either, if anything they’re probably having less sex than you partly because their tollerance for creeps outside of work is so low after dealing with that at work all night they won’t date anyone who doesn’t have his head on straight (and belive me the top strippers date competitively, if he’s not hot property he’s not on her radar, your boyfriend definitely isn’t her type), and partly because the hours and physical exhaustion are a killer. The idiots you see playing up in nightclubs are amateurs, if “that” girl really is a stripper she’s about to be fired but more often than not she’s a civilian who’s done a pole class playing dress up.

    Aren’t you all sick of the ignorant rhetoric yet, same old crap, boring, it’s just looking for a dog to kick, check your facts and get over yourselves there’s a whole world out there you know nothing about. If you want to contribute to the kind of world where it’s ok to take shots at people you see as being beneath you go ahead but remember everyone falls sometime and your turn to be the subject of ridicule will cone if the world you’ve built around you has been one of judging people. You get back what you have cultivated.

    If your boyfriend goes to strip clubs go with him and have a look for yourself, see what he gets up to there, what kind of place is it, how does he behave, then you’ll know what you’re dealing with both in terms of the club and more importantly him, how a man behaves in a strip club reveals a lot about his views on women. If he disrespects one woman he will disrespect you too because for men like that it’s too easy to reframe women as he sees fit to justify mistreating them, you could be a picture of dometic chastity and he will still find a way to call you a homewrecking tart because some other guy checked you out and he didn’t like it, guys like that, it’s all about them.

    Ultimately the point is not if it’s ok for him to go, it’s are you comfortable with it, a partner with a different world view to you is going to be incompatible in other ways too. If the answer is no you aren’t ok with it and he goes anyway rationalizing his behaviour he cares more about himself than he does you, he’s not respecting you, he’s a selfish bum and you should dump him and go out with someone who has a bit more maturity.

  6. 86
    Modern conservative

    Sad truth is our society has been brainwashed through media and our culture has drastically fallen when it comes to moral standards to where this topic is even being discussed. Its pretty sad that this generation completely thrieves on individual rights and freedom even within relationships. Personally i would never marry a man that has the urge to go to a strip club or who enjoys beating his meat watching porn. Why get married then? Many women think its ok since they dont want to suffocate their spouse but i guess i would never be one of them. Its still visual infidility if you ask me. Its hard to find good men like that in a such a promiscuous culture where normal jealuosy is automatically linked to insecurity in a heartbeat. Where even such an auspicious, beautiful unionship such as marriage is deteriorating and even worst losing its true meaning!   Personally this modernization of culture tends to benefit men more than women and over time women are drifting more away from their emotions trying to fit in because in todays society, emotions seem to have no room. You have to be ok with a lot of things. Whether if your husband likes to watch porn, likes going to strip clubs, has a lot of girlfriends, likes to watch certain movies..you either have to be ok or you dont but its your personal choice. I will never be ok and if it means being single forever so be it. But hopefully ill find someone i never have to worry about who hes looking at or who hes lusting on. Because ill be his everything! And those of you that believe the who “a man by nature” bs all i have to say is i believe that its been enough time for a man to finally evolve and be capable to adapt to a monogomous lifestyle. No need to go back in evolution and act like primates.

    1. 86.1
      Kanga

      I love what you wrote and endorse every word. Unfortunately, I must be a lot older because the naivety of what you wrote is palpable. Men are still basically primates – over and over and over again I meet men (I’m an academic) and think ‘wow, he’s not like the others’ and sooner or later, yep he’s basically an animal dressed in a collar.   NONE of them have evolved and if you’ve read here enough you will see a culture of ‘well it’s just the way we are and it’s totally normal and you women are up tight and have to accept it or you’ll be single forever’….. I’ve chosen the single path. There isn’t a man alive on this planet who doesn’t have nasty secrets about what they do behind closed doors – Martin Luther King cheated and plagiarised, Clinton was disgusting etc etc…. The only way to not have it impact on us is to stay single.   You could go through my computer, past, everything and find nothing – not even porn (boring) – why is it so hard for men to not be animals?   I don’t know and at my age, I also don’t care anymore. Good luck with finding your unicorn. Don’t be too disappointed when he doesn’t exist. Life can still be great. 🙂

  7. 87
    Naive

    What about the wife who worked her ass off full time while her pathetic husband played “stay at home dad” because he could not keep a job, and then because he was cheating at strip joints all the time, he assumed (which makes an ASS out of you and me) that she was cheating, too.   However, in fact, she was not cheating – all she was doing was working her ASS off for 24 years to support his dead ass and their 4 children.   What about that fucking scenario Bob?

  8. 88
    Lynn

    I am triggered by this situation and considering this might be a deal breaker for me in my current relationship.

    First off I don’t find anything wrong going to these places if you’re single.
    If you’re in a relationship I do only if it’s NOT ok with the woman and here’s why…

    I want women to really ask themselves if your guy is doing   this   and you don’t   like it do you really VALUE yourself enough to tolerate this behavior?

    Why make it OK if it’s not OK with you?

    My bf said he had to do it the past for clients where he was working because his boss’s wife didn’t want him to do it. I find that very interesting.   I don’t care what he did in the past so I get it.

    Side note- I don’t think ANY business is getting done because how can it when you are in a dopamine state allowing your brain to wire and fire?   It’s just about impossible to be in a higher state of mind to do business unless you’re using the dopamine to Pavlov your client’s then I guess your a brilliant businessman.

    Back to my relationship..
    Now  we are talking about getting engaged and this was a major issue that has come up for me. He told me that he doesn’t like strip clubs and the last time he went was about 19 years ago.   He thinks it’s disgusting…but if he was in a situation with some guys that wanted to go he wants to know if that would be grounds for divorce.

    This is a huge issue for me since my father slept with many strippers during his marriage to my mother.   It’s a trigger and what it did for me as a child that it created a HIGH VALUE on having a relationship where I felt respected   as a woman.   That’s the positive I took out of the situation.

    It’s something that I am definitely willing to explore about myself but I am not willing to negotiate what I feel could be very disrespectful to me in my highest values which is NOT being addressed here.   What’s being addressed, is the biological/chemical process of how men are wired.

    So when I hear this I think we are making excuses as women that it’s OK because “Oh that’s how they are wired!”

    Really?

    I get that but there’s more to what the WOMEN are saying and what the men are not hearing..
    I am going to offer the women here a different perspective…

    It doesn’t matter biologically how men are wired. What matters is if him going to strip clubs doesn’t feel aligned with you in your relationship and what you want.   I want the women to really think about this.   Don’t accept something at face value and explore what you want.

    If it’s OK with you and you’re not feeling a conflict then there’s nothing wrong with having your man do it. However, if you feel that you will resent your man by going then why is it your problem to get over it?

    You see this is the problem that’s not being addressed. I see this completely one-sided and not allowing women to choose what’s best for them.   Before you commit to someone this should be addressed and it’s something I see in hindsight for me.

    I had a deep conversation with my boyfriend and told him exactly what I felt. I also said this is something that I must process because I don’t know if I am OK with it.   I really want to see both sides but in the end it’s my life and who I choose to spend it with.

    He feels there’s a very slight chance it will ever happen but wants the assurance if he does that I won’t leave him.

    When I hear this, what’s  happening in my mind is that he VALUES business more than me. Which is fine if that’s more important to him and I can make the choice whether I feel that will work for me or not.

    Why are we making the women wrong for what we feel and blaming solely on biology? I’ve dated men that didn’t like those places whatsoever.   I am an attractive, woman that has no issues dating men and I am not about to settle or pretzel myself for a man because he seeks the approval of his peers or would rather get the business deal.    I am not making him wrong it’s just what he values if that’s the case.   I love myself enough to really look at this issue.   I also love him but I am looking at life long commitment so I will not take this lightly.

    I also want to look at this issue deeply with a professional to see if I do want to change my mind.
    I think it’s healthy to see both sides but still make the decision based on what’s best for me.

    If I tell him I don’t want him to do it at all and he regretfully says “OK,” he will resent me. It will be an unresolved issue that will keep bubbling up.    Which is not fair to him.

    If he were to look at my side to see what would be the benefits to him by not going to himself, to me, and the other areas of his life then I know it would shift him.    And the drawbacks as well if he were to go as it applies to his highest values . There are always going to be benefits and drawbacks.

    I could also do the same as well for having him go (benefits and drawbacks) but at the same time I have to be honest and really think through this and figure out what really is the most important thing for me.   It’s a tough decision and he agreed to explore this together with a therapist. I am not attached to the outcome either.

    Ladies, there’s no wrong answer here but what you must do is not comprise yourself and make it OK if it’s truly not what you want.    It will send a message to your unconscious mind and you will later resent your man.    The same thing goes for men.   If you can’t be who you want to be then you will regret it.

  9. 89
    FG

    As in all things, there is a spectrum or distribution to those situations.

    I am reminded of a gf who asked me “Do you ever watch porn? “Cause none of the guys I ever dated watched porn!” I laughed and replied “Oh dear! ALL the guys you dated DID watch porn, but they told you what you wanted to hear. Absolutely ALL of them! Here’s a big difference with me. I am not willing to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. I watch porn. Reasonably. Occasionally. Legal stuff, and I’m not into younger women per say, though a vid may catch my eye!”

    So you never went to the male stripper club for a bachelorette party? Women are far wilder in those places than men in gender-reversed spots.

    Business is business. Taking a client to a gent’s club depends on the client, or the field of endeavor. No business gets discussed or done at the club. You seem to miss the entire point: taking the client out is abotu relationship / networking maintenance. A bonding thing.

    As to what happens IN a club, or w strippers, depending on the country, there are variants on the “menu” (in Latin America, a strip joint is pretty much akin to a brothel). Here’s a thought: you go to a restaurant, and see the menu. Are you obligated to eat the 5-course meal with extra whipped cream on your Death By Choco 2-pound piece of cake? No! Or in a Dairy Queen, you can have a jumbo Blizzard or a small soft ice-cream vanilla cone (never mind that DQ is no longer ice cream, the example serves our purpose). Your guy  can talk, have a drink, watch the floor/stage show, and not get into anything else. At which point, the whole thing remains (mostly silicone implant) eye-candy. A younger guy, especially if never having had his flirtatious period, may be more tempted to go beyond that. An  insidiously unfaithful man will get the lap dances, VIP room and the like. Know who you’re with!

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