(Video) Do Men Owe Women An Apology?

A friend of mine posted this video on her Facebook page the other day. I watched it from beginning to end and wasn’t sure what to think.

On one hand, the clip is filled with heartwarming, earnest sentiments. Truly, if the world were filled with more men like this, dating would be a breeze.

On the other hand, is this really how we want our men to sound? Which is to say, very much like women…

Personally, I dig the message and agree that men can become a whole lot better at relating to women. I’m just not sure that I would really enjoy hanging out with these kinds of guys myself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you like sensitive, spiritual, new age guys?

Join our conversation (88 Comments).
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  1. 61
    Moe D

    I’m all for consciousness. Awareness, deliberate action, higher self…all good.
    I’m all for evolving the way we think, feel, and act towards each other. Loosening of gender roles, cooperation over competition, love and connection…all good.
    But this piece of pandering poo-poo is a little much for my stomach.
    Look, I too am sorry too for all the hateful unconscious behavior of men. Sorry I didn’t get mine in when the getting was good!
    Nah, but really though, I myself could easily be saying…
    “I’m still waiting for my apology for being born black and poor in America. I’ll get back to you on the gender thing once I’m squared up on this racial socioeconomic thing.”
    So do you as a woman, accept our apology?
    Now will you accept our sexual advances?
    Why are you dating that unconscious jerk, anyway?

  2. 62

    amen Moe D.
         We ALL are responsible for our own actions and need to own them, and let the people who wronged us own their actions. 
       In this video, the apology doesn’t  go far with me  as it seems it is being read.   What good is an apology from somebody that most likely hasn’t done anything wrong?  Just because he’s male?  Goood Lord I hope I don’t have to be accountable for all the women out there that have wronged a man.    Hopefully we woman can stick up for ourselves so that you men can continue to be men. 

  3. 63

    So with that being said I missed the Q:  Do I like sensitive, spiritual, new age guys?  
     A:  NOpe.  I may like to be friends with them, but in a romantic relationship I am the sensitive, spiritual one and need the opposite to balance me out.

  4. 64

    @Steve #50
    @Gem #51
    Thanks for your comments. Steve when I say “filters” I’m talking about the filters we all have and through which we perceive reality. Our own personal filters, born of experience and our interpretations of our experience, are what shape our expectations and our perceptions – e.g. two people will look at a piece of modern art and one will say, “Wonderful,” and the other will say, “Crap”. Same with the video.
    Gem (and Steve), when we talk about “unconscious” it’s a reference to the fact that we can ALL, when we’re on a kinda negative auto-pilot, be cruel, vicious, resentful, blaming, etc. We all have a dark side. When we’re happy and/or self-aware, this isn’t what’s running the show. But when we’re tormented and/or fighting for survival, the dark side comes out. This is what they’re talking about re “unconscious masculine”. It’s not BAD or anything like that, it’s simply that when we’re being this way it has an impact on those we interact with, including women.
    This video is about acknowledging that impact, both to ourselves as men and to the women of this world.

  5. 65

    @Kevin #64
    No disrespect, but I was around too many men and women like the men in that video for too many years.   “Filter”  is a code word for “they are wrong because they can’t see what is really there, but I don’t have enough guts to say that flat out because I am scared of conflict”.   It is used as a way do dodge dealing with what other people have to say and the possibility that you may have to update your opinions.
    In regards to your apology for the term “unconscious masculine”, the producers of that video would have to be unintelligent not to see how that term doesn’t fit the definition you claim it has.
    There are a number of pattern in the comments in this thread.   If you are interested in learning I would suggest you ask yourself why would so many different people make the same comments over and over again.   As part of the exercise, temporarily do not use answers like “they are wrong”,  “it is their filters”, or anything else that would discount their views.

  6. 66
    Christie Hartman

    One’s opinion on this video has less to do with your opinion on men, masculinity, or whether these men are datable, and more to do with your exposure to, interest in, and tolerance for spiritual or new age beliefs.  Most people find new age stuff weird or cheesy at first, until they see how they can benefit from it personally.
    I think Kevin’s comments offer good perspective. And I do really need to pick up David Deida’s books!

  7. 67

    I  am a male and I subscribe to the the new age thinking somewhat. I find it interesting that Evan mentioned that he wouldn’t hang around these guy’s…..Why?!!

    I wouldn’t have a problem with hanging out with them, they may appear to be a little extreme only because this is a video. Evan  are you concern about your masculinity? If so I understand  because I have been there myself. 

    I am a 1st degree black belt in MMA, I hold several ranks in a variety of Martial Arts and I sparr Kickboxing on a regular basis in the ring.  I am also training to be a Kickboxing instructor. On the feminine side I cry at movies, sometimes with commercials, I can hang with feminine gay men and be ok with it. Most of my friends are women and we talk about things that they only talk to women about. 

    I am heterosexual and I love women very much. I look masculine and I act masculine but I am excepting of different genders, races, religions etc. 

    The reason I mentioned this is because a man can be very masculine and express his feminine side also. This has nothing to do with being a “real man” This is a balance between feminine and masculine also know as Ying and Yang.  

    You said:  “On the other hand, is this really how we want our men to sound? Which is to say, very much like women…
    Personally, I dig the message and agree that men can become a whole lot better at relating to women. I’m just not sure that I would really enjoy hanging out with these kinds of guys myself.”

    Evan, really these guys don’t sound like this all the time. How can you like the message and agree that men can become better relating to women and then say you wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with these guys? Wouldn’t you want to learn something from them?

    I am not picking on you but you have a mixed message here. The point about this video is like anything else, it’s a starting point. This is a one dimensional video you have to read between the lines. Another way of saying it is; you have to use you feelings (feminine) to understand what they’re saying. 

    If guy’s expressed more of their feelings, then it would make it easier for women….right? And they can still maintain their masculinity. These guy’s are expressing their feelings, that’s what they are doing. They don’t do it all the time and all day long.

    I hope this make sense……

    Tony (Mr. Masculine)

  8. 68

    I thought the video was lovely and it’s sentiment was really to honor the feminine WHICH i agree is not happening in our culture or the world. It reminds me of when Pope John Paul II apologized about The Church supporting Natzis causing lots of emotional reactions. 

    I think the point is Co-Commitment which is having both men and women consciouly creating relationships that honor one another.  I have several books by the Hendricksons.

    The fact Marc says he wouldn’t want to hang out with ANY of these guys is a reflection on MArc and he most likely prefers a the unconscious male type of living and loving.  The men in the video seemed very diverse and they connected by honoring the female –

    The hard part is the video in some ways was putting the feminine in traditional roles.  

    I do believe it would be a very different world if the feminine and masculine was honored and celebrated.  I think it’s all women have ever wanted and asked for – hence – women wanting equality to begin with.  It was born from everything the men were apologizing for in the video. If women had been honored since the beginning of time there would not have been the sexual revolution, divorce, or most of our negative situations now because women would have always been competely valued, as well as the men not just how women can serve men.

  9. 69


    OK, this is really beginning to bother me- his name is EVAN!!!!!

  10. 70

    I don’t accept this, because it makes it sound as if women never do anything wrong. That we have only been abused in the past. I know I have made mistakes with dating, I’ve done things to guys that I’ve regretted, but at the same time those very things make me grow as a person, and to who I am now. They have made me a better girlfriend.
    I am a tempermental wench, so I make a habit of apologising early and apologising early. Never have I apologised non stop for 15 minutes. Listening to that apology made me feel guilty about all the times that I have lied to men, that I have run away from men, or led them on. Or even the times when I knew a guy who was in a relationship liked me and I didn’t cut off contact.
    Also I live in Australia, where as a woman I have equal rights as a man. They do not control me. However I have always believed that you should be weary of a man who is trying to protect a woman from something- even themselves. We are strong independent women, we have to brains to help us protect ourselves. Loved, trusted, supported- yes, but protected? no, that is too easily abused.
    I’ll clarify this and say that many developing nations could benefit from a healthy dose of this attitude.

  11. 71

    Evan, I agree w you. And the more I think abt it, the more I think it’s COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to its original goal. For example:

    (1) t’s assuming that all men are already bad, NOT true. I grew up in a household with men who were kind-hearted gentlemen, as is my bf.

    (2) The women to whom they are apollogiiing, who have presumably been abused or raped – they might find solace in this, but in order to truly overcome their hurt they need to work through it on their own.

    My bf and I had a good laugh over this video. If this is an example of the ‘modern male”, then the human race is doomed to extinction.

    Women want men who are MEN. This doesn’t mean men who are abusive or jerkey, this means men who don’t ACt like women – obsessing over their hair, skin, etc. We want someonw who’s gong to protecct us, who is chivilrous. etc.

  12. 72

    I have just watched this video, and one minute into it I said to myself, I would give myself as a woman to any one of these men instantaneously.  THIS is what The Masculine is supposed to look like.  It gives me hope for the future.  I needed this today because I was about to give up on men – seriously – I’ve joined some lesbian dating sites and went to an all-women, lesbian event ten nights ago.  I’m straight but just can’t take the misogyny, the objectification, the endless demands for perfectionism, the childish behavior, the possessiveness, the professional envy and backstabbing, dirty competition behaviors, the jealously demanding I choose between my creativity and “attention towards him”, the stubborn insistence I look like a porn star while he gets to slouch towards Bethlehem, the hatred, the violence, the Brooklyn 55-year-old who brutally murdered his ex-girlfriend and her mother a few days ago because she was planning to leave him, the apologists and “she probably deserved its” on line, the Omega Virgin Revolt and all like it, the George Sodinis, “the cookie”, “the code”, “the game” and all the other awful reminders that men apparently are not human, hate us, and see us as a vending machine to tip over and rob snacks from like primates in the wild.
    I was about to give up on this entirely, convinced there are no conscious men in the world and that instead of facing life alone without support, I had better go against my entire sexual nature and learn how to sleep with women.  And then I found this video on this site.
    As long as there are men out there who really do care about us, and don’t just see us as a source of pleasure to manipulate and discard and then blame for their own failings – over and over again – I will stay on the heterosexual side of the fence and open my heart again.  To the men behind this video, bravo.
    You give me hope.
    Thank you.

  13. 73

    It was a little creepy and insincere in the delivery.

    But I have known a few men, with perhaps a less “gentle eleveator music in the background way” apologized to me, for what I was subjected to by men, and I appreciated it. Was just a reminder I needed not to get jaded and believe they were all the same.

    This was a little two one-sided though.

  14. 74
    Jeffrey Platts

    I agree with your post.  The intent is great, but I felt that there was no meaning or sincerity behind the message. It felt like they were just rambling off a script, which they were.  I also don’t necessarily resonate with the idea of unsolicited, blanket apologies, to any gender, race or group.  

    – Jeffrey

  15. 75

    I think it’s nice to show some footage that’s about men talking to women, to work together, not about women’s T&A and stuff like that. It’s only a positive to hear other men talk about honoring a woman for who she is and sending that message to other women and men. I think the video does miss the mark a little bit but I like the intent behind it. Like Jeffrey above said.

  16. 76

    @72 Heather

    I’m sincerely sorry that you feel that way.  I invite you to take a step back and realize how extreme choosing to be gay is when you are in fact straight. 

    There are many women who live in the same world that you do, yet they do not have these feelings at all.  My wife is one of them.  And no she has not lived a charmed existence.  She was sexually abused as a young girl.

    I fear this thought will be immediately rejected by you, but perhaps by projecting all this hatred outward on men, you are attempting to protect yourself from some hurt that you don’t feel ready or equipped to deal with.  If this is the case, I know you’re not stupid or silly to do so.  Every behavior has a positive intent.  I can only imagine that in order for such extreme measures your must be attempting to protect against something equally if not more so dark.

    Don’t try to fix the outside.  Forget about lesbians, forget about men, and forget about relationships for a while and take some time to focus on just you.  As someone who has brought many relationships back from the brink in my professional practice I’ll tell you the one core secret to making them work.  A relationship has to be a place you go to share and give love because you have so much of it in your own life it would be a sin to bottle it up.  If you go there to get your needs fulfilled, you are simply using each other and the attraction will eventually fizzle and die out.

    Best wishes and good luck.

  17. 77

    It takes a lot of wisdom & a true awareness of self to realise the war of genders in the world,…not as an arbitrary idea, but most importantly as a day-on-a-day battle basis to be overcome! Here we are, on Evan’s blog sharing & learning from material on how to “create” better relationships…but what really stroke me as fundamental is the concept of “difference” within the nature of every gender by really embracing the idea & making the most of it to bring peace & prosperity within relationships! I believe in the difference of the two perspectives & Evan really captures that from the male point of view,…& that is what makes him approach the truth of the matter so uniquely. What this video has done, though, is take a step forward in accepting not only the differences in the two natures of genders, but also accepting & taking responsibility for the times of hardship & pain men throughout time have brought women! No doubt, the opposite has occured…But this is not about that now! It’s not about EVERY social group in need of a (belated) apology! Let’s not drift away from the essence. Now, we examine THIS video,…not what is yet to be made! & this video is filled with a wish for “collective” healing, an expressed hope for new “social” beginnings & a sense of awareness of past historical mistakes between the two genders! On these terms,…such messages – even “strange” as they may seem at first – can only bring a sense of relief, closure and hope for the future for all women who still carry baggage of an unworthy father/husband/companion/ employer/male friend etc…If only this became the start & more people came forth in assuming their collective “responsibilities” towards the making of a new reality & a new whole for all! Remember: Pain doesn’t always come in gender,…but any form of colllective relief of pain & closure is always welcome! :)) 

  18. 78
    Irina I

    Though I like the idea of this, I was not attracted to any of those guys…despite a lot of them actually being physically attractive. They just sounded so….feminine.

  19. 80

    As I fully consciously aware women I am attracted to fully consciously aware men and these I the only men that I fully respect.
    It feels of no surprise to me that some people will not be attracted to this and would not want to hang out with these men. As we attract and are attracted at the level we are at.

  20. 81
    Peter 51

    This had all the sincerity of a Coke ad circa 1970.  Men are more variable than women.  Look down and you will see a lot of bad guys.  Look up and you will see a lot of good ones too.  Where is the collective responsibilty?  This is a completely racist clip.  Are men to apologise for schools, hospitals, almshouses for the old, steam engines, fractional horsepower electric motors (vaccuum cleaners, refridgerators & washing machines), indoor plumbing, motor cars, the pill, the microwave oven?  European civilization was organized a particular way and today is the result.  On the whole, it’s been progress.  Why should I apologize?  Rape, abuse, sexual mutilation, subjugation have all been discouraged by the mainstream of European and probably all societies under mostly male leadership.  No one who has researched the subject has ever found a law, English or Welsh, a allowing a man to beat his wife if the stick was smaller than his little finger.  And so it goes when other things get put under the microscope.  Women were not only wives, they were mothers, sisters, aunts and cousins to be respected in all of these roles. They apologize too much.  These pansies are just doing the Sir Lancelot thing in another age.  Malory’s Lancelot was a totally unfaithful womanizer posturing as a chivalric protector.  Great looks and a terrific kill rate but at bottom Chivalry was about getting the damsel.  Sorry.  The man mowing the lawn while his wife cooks is more fundamentally honest.

  21. 82

    Should I now apologize for being a guy because Hitler, Genghis Kahn, Caliglua, Jeffery Dahmer, John Gotti, etc. were all men? If this is what gender relations have now come to, in the immortal words of Mr. Daffy Duck: SHOOT ME NOW!!!

  22. 83

    I don’t think any man needs to apoligize for being a man. They need to be aware of how their ancestors have ill treated and abused women and how many still do. Isn’t it one in four women still get raped in their life time? And how many still get beaten or killed and go around with a male sense of entitlement and behave and treat women with a misogynistic or sexist attitude. The most dangerous thing to women is still sadly men.https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/209731.pdf I wish that wasn’t true but it is. So anything that educates and takes a step towards a better and different culture and way of making it a more loving and safer environment sounds good to me.
    According to Gavin de Becker expert on violenhttp://gavindebecker.com/resources/article/how_to_get_through_to_teenage_girls/ce.

  23. 84

    Well over time we have apologised to the Indians and celebrate what is called “Thanksgiving” we have pretty much stopped the segregation and we celebrate an incredible man’s speech ” I have a dream” , we continue celebrating and educating the youth of black history a full month which all minorities should be year round. But, its as quiet apology I guess, it doesn’t make up for anything. We had those guilty and punished during the times Hitler. Nothing can make up, but as a women and to hear a guy on the video, if the men in my life were to watch this video to understand afterwards what women actually go through in life not just in the United states. I would feel better, to have that respect. What mist of us are subjected to in life and go through and put up with, and just a simple understanding and not to take us for granted how most of us are, would be appreciated. Now I prefer a manly man myself, but to hearing and if told this by a man in my life and actually meant it and lived the life would make a whole world of a difference, as I think it would for most women, take like ” mother’s day” what we put ourselves through just for you to be here on earth, think about it. Its not fun for our bodies!!!

  24. 85

    I also believe in individuals. Apologies are to be given the moment we have acted wrong on that person or when we realize to have done so.

  25. 86

    Hmmm… the energetic in this video doesn’t ring as authentic but more like a lead generator to women who feel disenfranchised or been diminished by unthoughtful masculine alpha men. Honestly, I couldn’t watch all of it. Just didn’t ring as authentic for me. While men can be spiritual and aware, they don’t necessarily thwart their masculine energy.



  26. 87

    In my 67 years on this planet, I have never seen such a disgusting , nauseating display as I have witnessed from those “males”  (I would never acknowledge such creatures as “men”) in this video! Words almost fail me, but some that come to mind, are simpering, unctuous,whining, supplicating, patronizing and fawning behavior, combined as it is here with the unmitigated arrogance to offer up an apology as representatives of a gender they do not even belong to, save in a strict anatomical sense. Were I to encounter such a creature as these, I would first suggest to them, that since they have already emotionally emasculated themselves, they might consider going the rest of the way; I understand there are hormones and surgery available for that sort of thing; after that I would hand them a dress, heels and makeup so they can at least dress the part, though frankly all I see in these whipped, little whimpering puppies, is women in the bodies of men,  but without any of the redeeming qualities of real women.

    Like everything else in the whining, neo-hippie, so-called “New Age” claptrap and witless psychobabble that currently contaminates American culture today, I fail to see how any real man, or indeed any woman who isn’t a a diehard feminist crazy  ( e.g. of the “all sex with men is rape” mentality), could find anything in that video of any intellectual or otherwise objective merit. The whole of this video is nothing but the worst sort of uber-feminist political/ideological screed, coming from the mouths of a couple of dutiful male parrots; so ridiculous that it would be comical, were it not  for these creatures having the unmitigated gall to apologize on behalf of REAL MEN, the vast majority of whom have NEVER committed any of the acts in question! That is presumptuous in the extreme, self-serving, and just plain wrong!

    I’m not as “nice” as Evan.; I not only would never accept such an individual as a friend, or even a casual acquaintance; were I face to face with one, I could do no other, than to stand to attention, execute an about-face, come to parade rest, and hang my head. Any real man who ever wore the uniform understands what that means.  I guess these sorry specimens would not, but it’s as polite a response as I could muster, so it would have to do.

    I am a man, a real man. I don’t think I have a “feminine side” and I really don’t care!  I have been a hard and rough man willing to do what others could not, or would not; NOT to prey on the weak, the helpless or the defenseless; but to protect them, when and where called upon, from those who would prey on them, and for that, I am not ashamed, nor will I apologize, for I have done nothing to apologize for. Yes, I have seen women and children violated and beaten: many times It has been my sad duty to render what medical treatment and comfort I could in the wake of these atrocities. Do I regret that I ( or someone like me) was not there to prevent it from happening in the first place? Absolutely! Am I responsible for the actions of those  who committed the despicable acts? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Cruelty and abuse, by whoever, against whoever, are NOT  some kind of collective responsibility; all blame, guilt, and accountability rests squarely on the shoulders of the offending individual, not anyone else’s.

    I am a man and I will continue to act like a man. No amount of browbeating, coercion, attempted shaming, or even outright lying and name calling will make me “confess” to crimes I never committed, to wrongs I have not done. Many of us men, of my generation, have already been subjected to that and more, many times over; and it has not succeeded, nor will it!

    I am a man. What I owe women, as I see it, is my courtesy, my basic respect, decency, kindness and mercy. I owe you my protection, when you need it and I am present to give it. I owe you whatever understanding and empathy I as a man can muster, given that we are not alike

    I DO NOT, I emphatically DO NOT, owe you unquestioned acceptance of  your every whim or desire, I DO NOT owe you adulation you do not earn,  I DO NOT owe you support for any political agenda I believe is wrong, no matter how much you  like it, I DO NOT owe you trying to make myself think and act like your girlfriend, and I for damn sure DO NOT owe you any “apology”!

  27. 88

    I couldn’t watch for more than 30 seconds. It just felt very abstract and detached. As a woman, what is meaningful for me to hear from men is when a man says something like: “I am shocked to hear that a man did that! Good men don’t do things like this!”…and then they share something about how they look at what that abusive men did/said. In other words, for me as a woman it’s healing to hear good men tell me their view on what is and isn’t healthy male behaviour. Their acknowledgement, their shock and their clear cut “if someone treats you like that they’re an asshole” is what helps. Good men don’t need to apologise for what some assholes are doing in the name of being “men”.

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