How Can I Learn To Trust A Man And Give Him Freedom?

How Do I Cope With the Other Women in His Life?

Hello Evan,

I’m new to you, but I’m a quick student. My question is not really for you, though, it’s for your wife. Has she written anything you can refer me to? Like her, I have ALWAYS believed in giving others freedom to live their lives, make their own choices, etc. I’ve not found a man that believes that’s a 2-way street.

I’m 49, out of a 20-year marriage followed by a 2-year relationship with a “player” who took advantage of that freedom. So now I am newly on the dating scene and need a fresh belief system that doesn’t trigger those old fears.

I am interested in her perspective and/or philosophy in regards to how she “deals” with the other women in your life, particularly those you might feel attracted to. I’ve investigated the “polyamorous” and “open relationship” scenarios and I don’t really think that’s what you have or nor what I’m looking for, but how does a woman handle those situations as I do believe in people having freedom in a relationship is the only way it can work. Is this a fine line?

Thanks, Kim

I like your question, Kim, and while my wife is too busy running to Mommy and Me classes and shopping for our dinner parties to sit down and compose her own response, I did actually read her your question after dinner one night last week.

A wife trusts her husband enough to not cheat, even when there’s temptation? That’s crazy talk!

She was flattered and really wanted to give you the best possible answer. Her only recorded thoughts on dating have been compiled in a four-page section of “Why He Disappeared” and I’ve been told, much to my consternation, that her part is the best part of the whole book. I don’t know that I’d go that far – but I would say that learning how to best deal with an alpha male from the horse’s mouth is pretty invaluable. I’m quite candid that everything I teach comes from the “What Would My Wife Do?” school of thought and I think you’ll really enjoy it.

As to your provocative question about how much freedom you should give a man when you’re in an exclusive relationship and how do you deal with the inevitable fears and insecurities, allow me to set the record straight:

It is not at all difficult for my wife to deal with me, for one huge reason.

She trusts me.

Unconditionally. No question about it. Wouldn’t even occur to her that I would ever do anything to breach our vows.

She knows that I value my character and morals as highly as I value anything else in my life. The way other people value religion, I value doing the right thing.

Acceptance is the most powerful tool in making a man feel loyal to you.

And because of that worldview, there’s nothing I can do that’s remotely threatening.

This is why I can be surrounded by five attractive 30-year-old women at a party in Hollywood and I won’t get lectured when I get home.

This is why I can get a lap dance at my bachelor party in Austin, and all my wife asks me when I come home was whether I had fun.

This is why I can occasionally point out a woman in a low-cut top in a restaurant or watch online porn. Neither my wife nor I thinks that this is a slippery slope that’s going to destroy the foundation of our relationship.

This is why my wife can hire burlesque dancers to join the 80’s rock band at my 40th birthday party last month. They were a big hit with everybody – and about 10 women came up to me and told me how extraordinary my wife was. Huh?

Don’t get me wrong, my wife is extraordinary, but the only thing I think is REALLY extraordinary is how RARE this kind of behavior is.

A wife trusts her husband enough to not cheat, even when there’s temptation? That’s crazy talk!

But why? Shouldn’t ALL wives trust their husbands? I sure think so. After all, what kind of relationship do you have if you don’t trust the man you’re supposed to trust?

Thus, the first thing you have to do, Kim, is to find a man that you completely trust, without a doubt. It’s your doubts that will drive you nuts, not the man himself.

Some women would be driven nuts by me, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. You may think I’m disrespectful. My wife doesn’t. She thinks I’m normal and she loves the fact that I can be myself around her without any fear of retribution. And because she’s so accepting of me – a trait I’ve found very hard to find – I love her in a way that few men openly love their wives.

Acceptance is the most powerful tool in making a man feel loyal to you.

Now that does NOT mean accepting behavior that is inherently unacceptable.

Wherever you draw the line becomes the line

Some women freak out if he talks to another woman, has lunch with another woman, says something cute on Facebook to another woman, or looks at another woman. I think this is a bad policy because it’s essentially asking him to spend his entire life lying to you and denying the existence of any other woman. If you find a man who is willing to pretend that no one else in the world is attractive but you, I applaud you and hope you’re happy.

Agonizing about whether he’s going to cheat is like agonizing about whether a plane is going to crash. You really can’t do anything about it, so you might as well try to enjoy the ride.

But since you’re a freedom-loving woman, Kim, you don’t have to do that. You just want to know how far you should go. It’s not my place to say what’s right for you, but if you believe what I do – that both sexual contact and sexual intention can be considered cheating – then that becomes your tipping point. If your boyfriend is asking for women’s numbers, flirting on Match.com, taking other women out to dinner secretly, having phone sex, or actually cheating on you, then, well, he’s broken the boundaries of exclusivity.

In other words: fantasizing, fine. Acting on his fantasies without your permission, not fine.

As long as you know your boundaries, you can give him all the leeway in the world, until he breaches your trust. Which brings me back to the three things my wife had to say about your question:

1. Go with your gut.

My wife trusts me so much that even when she had physical evidence that I was cheating on her (panties in the dryer), she still believed me when I swore that I wasn’t.

She trusted her gut.

My wife knows infidelity – she’s had three boyfriends cheat on her – and each time, she knew when something was wrong. Her wisdom was in not treating those men (or me) as if they were untrustworthy until they actually did something untrustworthy.

2. Stop looking for it.

As my wife pointed out, if he’s going to cheat on you, he’s going to cheat on you. You can’t stop it with fear or worry or interrogation or jealousy. If anything, those kinds of behaviors will be more likely to drive a man to escape. Agonizing about whether he’s going to cheat is like agonizing about whether a plane is going to crash. You really can’t do anything about it, so you might as well try to enjoy the ride.

3. Trust

As I’ve long said, it’s either full trust or no trust. If you truly trust your guy, you couldn’t even imagine him cheating on you. He has a strong moral code. He treats you like gold. Even if he’s attracted to other women, he would never think of jeopardizing his relationship for a quick fling. And so you let everything go that is not actually cheating behavior – and watch him express his further devotion and appreciation to you.

For you will be the only woman ever who has done that for him – who was confident enough to let him be himself and not try to change him.

That’s why he’ll stick with you forever.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Karl R

    A few thoughts on various themes in this thread:

    Trust
    In my first serious relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me. In doing so, she destroyed trust in that relationship. Unlike that girlfriend, I have never cheated. This has led to the following insights…

    1. I am not an anomoly. There are others out there who don’t cheat.
    2. If a woman suspected me of cheating, I would be highly offended by the unjustified attitude.
    3. Since I would be offended by the suspicion, my girlfriends would be equally offended.
    4. If I want to date a woman of integrity, I need to treat women with the trust that I expect in return.
    5. By trusting my partners, I may end up being cheated on. While I won’t realize my partner is cheating, I will realize that something is wrong in the relationship.

    And there’s one insight that came from looking into the subject…

    Most people don’t cheat. However, most people don’t realize they’re capable of cheating until they do. Most cheating begins after the relationship is already in trouble. If you have a partner who has integrity, and you want to further reduce the potential for cheating, put effort into keeping the relationship strong.

    Self Esteem
    Based on my experience, Evan’s wife is demonstrating high self-esteem. I don’t care if my fiancée goes to La Bare and has a stripper grinding against her in a lap dance. She’s not going home with a stripper. If she was into strippers, she would have dated them.

    When she has lunch with an ex-boyfriend, it’s no problem. The man is an ex for a reason.

    My fiancée is with me because of who I am. If she wanted someone who was more like her exes, her coworkers or her other dance partners, she would have dated those people instead.

    Ileana asked: (#53)
    “Is it wise to ‘test’ your partner in such ways- Send him anonymous texts and see if he replies?  Or is this just plain rude?”

    I don’t know anyone who seeks out partners who are suspicious and paranoid. If a woman pulled this stunt with me, I’d dump her immediately.

    I can’t prove to a paranoid person that I’m trustworthy. I can only prove that I haven’t provided evidence of wrongdoing.

  2. 82
    George

     
    I’m curious, Evan, as to whether you draw a distinction between people who are “understanding and trusting” and people who just don’t care. What, in your words, would be the difference between the two? I ask because your attitude sounds like that of a teenager who thinks he’s got cool parents because they let him do drugs in the house.
     

    1. 82.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      George, against my better judgment I’m going to respond to your pseudo-respectful but really insulting question.

      You intimate that there’s no difference between “understanding and trusting” and people who just don’t care. I was going to suggest that perhaps you had a point – that trusting and not caring are the exact same thing. But that’s not true. It’s certainly easier to trust a charismatic, confident, flirtatious man if you literally don’t care whether he cheats on you. But that’s not really what we’re talking about here. This is about a) having inner confidence, b) believing that you’ve chosen a partner of integrity, and c) not overreacting to situations that don’t threaten to destabilize the relationship.

      If you don’t have inner confidence, EVERYTHING your partner does will be perceived as a potential threat. I had a girlfriend like that and it was exhausting – apologizing for smiling at 17-year-old cashier or looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

      If you don’t believe you’ve chosen a partner of integrity, everything your partner does will be perceived as a potential threat – because it IS. A proven cheater, a shady guy, a secretive boyfriend – all will rightfully raise your eyebrows. Most women know when they’ve got a good man or a bad man on their hands. It’s not a foolproof science, but the reason that my wife was able to trust me when she found strange panties in our dryer is because she knew I wasn’t the kind of man to cheat. It’s not that she didn’t care. It’s that she trusted me.

      Finally, if you don’t overreact to situations, you’re going to have a much healthier relationship than if you’re constantly accusing him, putting him on the defensive and walking on eggshells yourself because he wished his ex girlfriend a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

      Your conclusion, George, seems to be that my “permissive” attitude is toxic – the equivalent of having parents let him do drugs in his house.

      Well, since I have an incredible marriage that is based on trust, I find it hard to believe that my wife’s attitude is toxic to our relationship. So I challenge you – and any reader who disagrees with me – start treating your partner with LESS trust and let me know how it goes.

      I’ll take my way any day.

  3. 83
    Rosy

    Gosh, there seem to be quite a few posters who draw issue with the lap dance. I like what Evan says in the article here:

    It’s not my place to say what’s right for you, but if you believe what I do – that both sexual contact and sexual intention can be considered cheating – then that becomes your tipping point.

    And everyone has their own boundaries and tipping points. Personally, I wouldn’t consider a lap dance cheating, if it was very occasionally (at the likes of stag parties and that kind of malarkey) but if it was every weekend, I wouldn’t exactly be over the moon. So therefore I have a boyfriend who – among his many admirable (and to my mind, much more important, stuff like kindness and generosity!) qualities – doesn’t go to lap dancing bars every single weekend. It’s that simple.

    If your own personal boundary is that you would consider it cheating if your boyfriend was on the receiving end of a lap dance, you just look for someone who wouldn’t receive a lap dance. Set your own boundaries; just be aware that the more restrictively you set them, the fewer people you’ll find who will fit your criteria. That’s not a dire warning, btw, it’s just the way it works.

    (FWIW, my ex husband found the idea of strip clubs and lap dances appalling, and even refused to go in a lap dancing bar on a friend’s stag party. And yet he was a miserable chap who was often horribly mean to me. Morality is about more than lap dances, you know.)

  4. 84
    Wendy

    @DavidT #86: Thanks for your insight; I always appreciate your perspective on these forums. To answer your question, no–this particular guy would buy the grapes without sampling, from a local farmers market to support the local economy and reduce the carbon footprint on the planet, and then give the cashier a healthy tip. His birthday gifts were those of legend. He stopped traffic to let a turtle cross the street. He drank Dos Equis. Get the picture? 🙂 I am actually pretty quick to run from guys who exhibit the types of behaviors you described. My theory is that life is too short to spend with the wrong guy, and I’m not getting any younger. I’m also pretty astute, according to my friends, at picking up on negative vibes. THIS is why I get so frustrated when people blame me for getting cheated on because I “chose” the wrong guy. It’s happened a few times, and every time it was a guy (a real winner); the type who would get the “upstanding citizen of the year” award, because I was never with dishonest, unethical, compassionless men (losers) long enough for them to cheat. Bottom line, losers can be completely faithful when they meet the right girl, and winners can cheat given the right opportunity so I refuse to blame myself for “choosing” the wrong men when I know I’ve been the best partner I could be, and he appeared to be the same, to me and to everyone else around me.

  5. 85
    Karmic Equation

    @Rachael 17
    I’m sorry to hear about your divorce and the lying that caused it.
     
    Please don’t make the next man in your life pay for the sins of your ex.
     
    There are different degrees of trust. And I believe that each person we meet should be give an “average” amount of trust. When you get to know them better, you can trust them more or less depending on your actual experience with them. For example, you should not give the keys to your house to a stranger…but you can trust that if you ask for directions from the same stranger they won’t direct you to a crack house on purpose.
     
    Every new person you meet, man or woman, should be given the average amount of trust and respect. As you get to know them, then you can finesse the “amount” that you give them. And the amount is not static and could be subject-dependent. For example, you can always trust someone to be ontime, but you can’t trust this someone to keep a secret…So you have to know what to entrust that person with.
     
    I’m sure you do this all the time with family…the same kind of “trust-on-a-continuum” should be applied to your significant other and they shouldn’t get all your trust simply because they are your significant other. Only trust them with what you know they can be trusted with and play the rest by ear, and adjust your level ot trust to what know they deserve.

  6. 86
    Karmic Equation

    @Ana 70
     
    It’s not a man’s responsibility to cure your insecurities or baby them. You have to deal with them yourself. Insecurities, as Helene said, comes from fear. Fear you’re not good enough; fear that you’re not pretty enough, etc. The reality is that Yeah, there are going to be women “better” than you (in something!) and there are going to be women prettier than you…new ones are born every day. If you don’t TRUST YOURSELF or LIKE YOURSELF enough to know that you bring to the table things these “better” and “prettier” women don’t, then, sad to say, it won’t matter if a man actually babies you and your insecurities. At the end of the day, your insecurities will STILL BE THERE. He just doesn’t give you reason to face them.
     
    Secondly, if you’ve told your man that you don’t like it when he says/does certain things and HE CONTINUES to do them, then LEAVE. He’s telling you unequivocally that he doesn’t care how you feel and you’re not worth changing for…So why stay with him? You’re not going to change him with your nagging or tears, in fact, you’ll more quickly drive him away. YOU HAVE POWER, too! You have the power to leave the jerk and take your fabulous self and your brand of loving to someone who actually deserves it. Don’t forget that. Addition by subtraction — gain dating freedom by losing a loser.

  7. 87
    Clare

    @ Evan # 91

    I agree particularly with what you said “Most women know when they’ve got a good man or a bad man on their hands”.  I do honestly believe that this is a sense that most women innately have, or can develop.

    It is the most important thing in developing trust in a relationship. No, I may not know exactly what my boyfriend is doing at all times, and yes, I may have a couple of insecurities of my own, but I know that pigs will sooner fly before he cheats on me.

    I *know* this, and hence I just breathe, and trust him. 

  8. 88
    Selena

    @Wendy
    I find myself nodding my head while reading your posts. As someone who’s been cheated on by more than one partner, I could conceivably say I have a bad picker. Thing is…they didn’t cheat until 3 or 4 years into the relationship. So I had several years with each where I thought I HAD picked someone who had integrity, valued monogamy. And had I not found out about the cheating…I would have gone on believing that.

    @Karl #87
    Good post. I’ve also come to believe that where there is infidelity, there are almost always other problems in the relationship as well. Infidelity is sooo painful and dramatic, that it tends to overshadow those other problems – especially in the mind of the wronged party. And while I don’t think there are any surefire ways to “cheat-proof” a relationship, consciously trying to make it the place you both want to be and paying attention to what is going on with your partner emotionally, just may avoid the slippery slope. If something feels off, TALK about it.

    @Hope #73 – Thanks for sharing this quote:
    As Ernest Hemingway wrote:
    “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

    Really folks, it’s the only way.

    The alternative: being suspicious, jealous, controlling, paranoid, snoopy – it just eats you up inside. And will not only destroy your relationship, but your self-esteem as well.

  9. 89
    Cat

    So many good points. I say the only way to learn to trust someone is to watch & allow them to rebuild trust with you (if it’s been broken which is my case). If they have never breached your trust in the first place then you still watch/allow them to build trust with you. I don’t think strip joints or watching porn or looking at other women are trust breakers, but hiding all those things or lying about them is a trust breaker.  Speaking from experience it wasn’t the particular action that broke my trust, but trying to conceal or deny them were. And now we are rebuilding trust again. Just don’t date jerks or fall in love with jerks…it’s too much work!

  10. 90
    Nicole

    Yeah, seriously.  People think they can someone mitigate the risk to their feelings by playing super snoop.  There are people who really believe they are protecting their relationships by checking phones, reading emails, reading FB, etc.  But you can’t.  And you waste a lot of time and energy being insecure and paranoid if you choose to live that way.  I don’t see how those people have time to give anything positive to the relationships that they are so paranoid about “protecting.”

    You can’t keep yourself from falling down sometimes.  And it might happen more than once.  No one has a crystal ball.  We all have to play the game, keep our eyes open, and yes, take some lumps.  There is no way around it.  But I really think that everyone, man or woman, will eventually show you who they are if you let them.  And the best way to find out if you have a winner or a loser is to take a chance and trust them.

     

  11. 91
    George

     
    @Evan 91
     
    I didn’t say that trusting and not caring are the same thing, I’m trying to say there is a difference between parents who would let their kid have a small glass of wine with dinner, and parents who let them do drugs in the house. At some point, if anything goes, it’s because it’s just not important to you.
     

    1. 91.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      George – I still don’t see your point. Who here said “anything goes”?

  12. 92
    Paragon

    @ Wendy

    ” To Paragon #74 (and everyone else who says people “choose” cheaters and players: I am not telling you, or anyone, that I choose the wrong men. I do not have ESP, they do not announce their predisposition to cheat, and they don’t behave the way one would typically expect a cheater to act. The man I used in my example was home every night. I had zero indication there was anything going on. ”

    ” To answer your question, no–this particular guy would buy the grapes without sampling, from a local farmers market to support the local economy and reduce the carbon footprint on the planet, and then give the cashier a healthy tip. His birthday gifts were those of legend. “

    Obviously, these are not reliable indications of fidelity.

    I’m also pretty astute, according to my friends, at picking up on negative vibes. THIS is why I get so frustrated when people blame me for getting cheated on because I “chose” the wrong guy. It’s happened a few times, and every time it was a guy (a real winner); the type who would get the “upstanding citizen of the year” award”

    Perhaps you should be looking for less obvious patterns, to relate your experiences with cheating men.

    Were they ‘unhappy’ with you, or just looking for something different(or better)?

    Perhaps these men were merely overconfident and opportunistic – willing to risk what they had for a new infatuation.

    I think sometimes, too much of a conventionally good thing(ie. confidence) can pose high-risks for any relationship.

    Ideally, we all want to be partnered with someone who has sufficient apprehension to resist temptation, and constrain their most selfish impulses(even in cases where we would be none the wiser).

    @ Selena

     Thanks for sharing this quote:
    As Ernest Hemingway wrote:
    “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
     
    Really folks, it’s the only way.
     
    The alternative: being suspicious, jealous, controlling, paranoid, snoopy – it just eats you up inside. And will not only destroy your relationship, but your self-esteem as well.”

    Personally, if I am sincerely motivated in nuturing a relationship with someone, then I’m willing to accept some degree of suspicion and uncertainty during the formative stages – before trust can be reasonably justified.

    Everyone has baggage, and I am not prepared to fault someone for what I see as trivial preconceptions that can be amended over time – I think any woman worth being in a relationship with, is worth that kind of consideration.

  13. 93
    George

     
    “Anything goes” seems to be the direction this is heading. Let’s take the panty story, and lets say it happened again. It happens multiple times. Or let’s say it’s a used condom that you swear up and down was left by your male friend who brought his girlfriend over. Now she is okay with all of it, because she is wonderful and understanding. Does that sound right to you?
     

    1. 93.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      This will be my last response to you, George, but in case you can’t see the difference: my wife is cool, patient and understanding. She’s not a moron.

  14. 94
    George

     
    Take you and your wife out of this for a minute, Evan, and just look at this in the abstract. I’m just not buying the notion that “Sure honey, you can spend the night at the house of that girl who always flirts with you, since you’re just friends” means she is caring and understanding.
     

    1. 94.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      George, I don’t know how stupid you think people are – or how loose you think my morals are – but there’s a huge difference between talking to a stranger at a party and spending a night with that same stranger. One is normal. The other is infidelity. Anyone who can’t figure out which is which will have major relationship problems. Sorry, I’m not continuing this absurd slippery slope you’ve set up.

  15. 95
    George

     
    I didn’t set up the slippery slope, Evan, you did, by saying she is supposed to be patient and understanding when she finds… well, pick your piece of evidence. I just don’t see that as a virtue. If she really cares, she SHOULD freak out if she thinks I might be cheating on her…
     

    1. 95.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      a) George, you’re clearly not a man, but a woman who came here to pick a fight. Well done.

      Whatever you’re advocating makes zero sense. If a man’s done nothing wrong, there’s no reason to freak out. If he has done something wrong, she should leave. But she should certainly have her facts straight before she does anything. My wife knows that I’m not cheating on her when I talk to other women or admire other women. And thus we have a good marriage. If she reacted to my bachelor party (where I didn’t cheat), to my many Facebook friends (where I didn’t cheat), to my occasional online porn use (where I didn’t cheat), we’d have a really bad marriage. If she wants a man who doesn’t do any of these things, she shouldn’t have married ME.

      And so…

      b) Feel free to choose a partner who freaks out at you instead of trusting you. As it stands, I’m pretty happy with my choice (as is my wife) and will continue to strongly recommend that ALL men and women choose trusting and low-drama partners.

      This ridiculous non-conversation is over. Best of luck to you and your fantasy boyfriend who never talks to other women and really digs the fact that you freak out because you CARE so much.

      (George, I deleted your last comment after showing it to my incredulous wife. The huge leaps that you’re taking between my wife being cool with my behavior and people doing drugs, being openly cheated on and your son getting kidnapped…well, let’s just say that we’re gonna have to agree to disagree.)

      1. 95.1.1
        GL

        Sounds to me he gets off on negative attention like that and into game playing. “Oh maybe my girlfriend will really care about me if I spend the night at this chick’s house I want to sleep with so she’ll freak out.” LOL! Healthy.

  16. 96
    David T

    @Selena 95
    make [your relationship] the place you both want to be and paying attention to what is going on with your partner emotionally, just may avoid the slippery slope. If something feels off, TALK about it.
    Rockin’ . I completely, completely agree. Talk before you jump to conclusions if you can, and if you can’t turn off that machinery (which is a challenge) at least talk before you make a decision to change something.

  17. 97
    George

     
     
    Actually, I think you’re being extremely small (bet you’ve heard that before), deleting other people’s postings when you loose the argument. I think I made my point, and I think you understand perfectly clear what that point is, hence your unwillingness to go further on this.
     
     

    1. 97.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      George, I let your last comment through because it was a perfect ending. You insulted me, you misspelled “lose”, you said you made your point and that I understand it, and you intimated that I was afraid to go forward because of the strength of your argument. I’ll let readers decide for themselves if your arguments make any sense. Goodbye and good luck.

  18. 98
    Selena

    Bored with George.

  19. 99
    David T

    @George

    You are over generalizing/over extending one story and example to apply to absolutely everything.  That seems to be a common problem on this blog; the over extension of a point into hyperbole land concluding that if the over extension doesn’t make sense NONE of it does.

    It is like a metaphorical black hole.  Once you start to extend something past where it makes sense (like what happens to Newtons laws of motion once you cross the event horizon of a real black hole), you ultimately end up at a logical singularity where you can draw pretty much ANY conclusion and the legitimate point Evan is trying to make no longer makes any sense at all.

    Stay outta that region. You will only hurt yourself.  OK, that made about as much sense to folks with a non astronomy background as some of the posts of another frequent poster, but to get some inkling read paragraphs 2 and 4 of the link on my name.)

    Very much like a black hole,  these over generalized conversations quickly lose any ability to communicate useful information. (If you want to continue to use my metaphor, read the last section of that link.)

    Hmm…I seem to have overextended my metaphor to a point where it no longer makes sense and has become useless. Now where have I seen that before? 😉

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_hole#Singularity

  20. 100
    Cat

    @ Evan #91….you were so exactly right on the money with your comments there. When reading it I felt like I was reading about myself. Yep, if you don’t have inner confidence & you’re not sure you picked a partner of integrity then everything they do seems like a potential threat. After years of trying to rebuild trust, I think we have come a long way, but it’s not been easy or fun at times. I think now I have finally built back some inner confidence in myself as well as with him. I do trust him on certain levels but I think there are different “layers” of trust? Any thoughts? Do you think there are “layers” of trust or is it you do or you don’t?

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