I Got Too Excited About a New Guy and Scared Him Off!

I Got Too Excited About a New Guy and Scared Him Off!
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Hi Evan,

Thank you for the contribution you are to all of us! I bought “Why He Disappeared” last year and understanding the masculine mind has made SUCH a difference in my life (not only in dating, but also in business, family, and friendships).

I wish I had re-read it before I went on my date last week.

Not because of what happened on the date (that was amazing!), but what happened afterward.

He did everything you say the alpha male does: contacted me, asked me out, made all of the arrangements, provided a safe, entertaining, and impressive experience that allowed us to get to know each other while also having a lot of fun (we basically laughed for 4 hours straight).

And I did everything I was supposed to: I let him find me to contact me and ask me out (even though I really wanted to track him down and ask him), I let him make the plans, I was cool when he said he might have to reschedule because of a conflicting commitment that his friends were counting on him for (which didn’t end up happening), I empathized with his perspective, didn’t make him wrong about talking about his ex, and let him kiss me at the end of the night. I was fun, feminine, and flirty.

When the date ended, he expressed a desire to see me again when I got back in town (I am currently away on business). The next day he checked in to see how a big meeting I was excited about went. He even texted to wish me a safe journey before I flew out.

Leading up to the date (and the few days following it), I became accustomed to him reaching out to me on a nearly daily basis to see how my day went, etc.

And that’s what lead me to my mistake …

Filled with the excitement of how well everything was going and genuinely wishing to reciprocate his generous and considerate spirit, I started initiating the contact …

I know … “nooooo!!!!”

Through text, I started inquiring more into his world. I thought we were having a dialogue, but when I look back over the messages, I was the one asking all the questions. I also made bold statements about the future, clearly showing that I was no longer a challenging catch to win over.

I was hooked after one date and probably came across as super needy (when I was actually just super enthused).

He always responds when I write (within a reasonable amount of time and usually with a chuckle too), but is no longer initiating the contact himself and now that the oxytocin levels in my brain have normalized, all I want to do is reach out, demonstrate integrity by owning my mistake, and ask him for a mulligan.

At the same time, I’m afraid that reaching out again would just create more of the same and admitting a mistake may come across as a lack of self-confidence.

So, I’ve stopped reaching out all together in the hopes that a little space may be sufficient damage control until I get back to town.

What Would Evan’s Wife Do? (she always knows how to be cool)

And what would you recommend I do?

Many thanks,

M

Thanks for the kind words and for drinking the Why He Disappeared Kool-Aid.

Kudos to you for implementing the main thrust of the advice: with a confident, alpha-ish guy, you don’t have to “do anything” to make him like you, call you, or commit to you.

He’ll choose to do so on his own terms and will generally resist being pressured.

That’s why letting confident men lead tends to be solid advice.

That’s why letting confident men lead tends to be solid advice.

I let him find me to contact me and ask me out (even though I really wanted to track him down and ask him), I let him make the plans, I was cool when he said he might have to reschedule because of a conflicting commitment that his friends were counting on him for (which didn’t end up happening), I empathized with his perspective, didn’t make him wrong about talking about his ex, and let him kiss me at the end of the night. I was fun, feminine, and flirty.

The issue is that “do nothing” – like all “rules” – is not so black and white.

Yes, masculine is about doing and feminine is about receiving, and masculine men prefer women who receive their advances. But neither men nor women are so monolithic that you have to live in fear of reaching out to a guy.

In Love U, there’s a video that talks about an exception to mirroring – when you’re comfortable and confident that he really likes you and is invested in you, you can let down your guard and throw out the rules a bit.

I don’t know what you said via text or how “bad” it was, but if a guy really liked you and wanted to be with you, I doubt you would have scared him off.

So while you’re beating yourself up for breaking the cardinal rule of Why He Disappeared, I would prefer you to remember this instead:

You can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy.

Sure, there are better dating practices than others, but when you meet that special someone, you won’t feel the need to stick to a rulebook. You can be yourself, which is the only way to be with a partner.

Sorry this happened to you, but the solution is not to get him back, but, instead, to let him go and find another man who appreciates your (tempered) enthusiasm.

Good luck

 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Michelle

    Hi Evan,

    Agree on this one; all that anxiety over one date and a guy you barely know? A confident woman who knows she’s a catch and a half wouldn’t go through all that second guessing and mental anguish. She would just know she’s worth it and let the chips fall where they may. If he doesn’t call back, or chase, or cooled towards her, she didn’t do anything wrong. If a guy likes you, he’s not going to be scared off that easily. He’s going to come after you like a heat seeking missile. And if he isn’t feeling it (for whatever reason which usually has nothing to do with you) you move on. That is what dating is about. Sometimes it’s timing, sometimes it’s he met someone else he liked better, (or thinks he does). The point is, after one date, a confident woman doesn’t worry why he doesn’t call back or reciprocate, she knows she’s a catch and too busy juggling other guys and dates to worry about it. He might also have sensed your anxiety, even though you were playing it cool. Guys have six sense for that stuff. Don’t play cool, BE cool. Because you are M! If he does come back around, you decide if you want to go out again and just enjoy the ride. He’s not the last man on the planet you know?

  2. 2
    Selena

    From the letter: “He always responds when I write (within a reasonable amount of time and usually with a chuckle too), but is no longer initiating the contact himself and now that the oxytocin levels in my brain have normalized, all I want to do is reach out, demonstrate integrity by owning my mistake, and ask him for a mulligan.”

    “So, I’ve stopped reaching out all together in the hopes that a little space may be sufficient damage control until I get back to town.”

    By now the OP is probably back in town so what happened when she stopped doing all the reaching out? Did he start initiating? If he continued to respond to all her texts, sounds like he was still interested. Maybe he stopped initiating himself simply because she was always beating him to it? Once he realized she wasn’t blowing up his phone, seems logical he would pick up his if he wanted to continue with her.

    I hope she didn’t reach out to ask for a mulligan for all her previous reaching out. That does sound insecure and needy and just plain weird.

    1. 2.1
      Emily, to

      Selena,
      “I hope she didn’t reach out to ask for a mulligan for all her previous reaching out. That does sound insecure and needy and just plain weird.”
      I agree. All she needs to do now is stop initiating contact and see what he does, which is the tactic she wrote she was using. I don’t think the situation is dead in the water yet. And it make take him a few more days than she’d like to get that she’s not imitating so he needs to because the male dating speed is slower. 🙂

    2. 2.2
      Clare

      Selena,

      I agree! She definitely should not ask for a mulligan! She did nothing wrong, and that would be far too much analysing for this early stage….

  3. 3
    Clare

    Awww M, I really feel for you!

    And all this beating yourself up is quite unnecessary. There’s nothing to be gained from it, and your actions were by no means terrible the way your letter suggests. You didn’t do anything *wrong*… you just got a bit carried away, and that’s all there is to it.

    Given that you’ve only been on one date with this guy, I hope you can see that you were too invested at this early stage. If I were you, I would practice being a lot more cool until you’re at least a month in. One way to do this is to keep going on a few more dates with other guys. Another way is to keep busy with your own life – absorb yourself in your work, schedule some meet-ups with your friends. You say you are on a business trip – focus on making it a success rather than the guy back home!

    That way, if you hear from the guy it will be a bonus, but you will not be sitting by your phone monitoring whether or not he texts or calls.

    I know it’s exciting when you meet a guy you really like and you have a great date and he expresses interest in seeing you again, but it is worth cooling your emotions a bit at the beginning.

    In my opinion, if this is the right guy for you, if you cool it a little and let him reach out a bit more from now on, there should be no harm done. If he’s not the right guy for you, you need not lose any sleep over it and should get back out there and keep meeting new guys.

    1. 3.1
      Emily, to

      Clare,
      ” If he’s not the right guy for you, you need not lose any sleep over it and should get back out there and keep meeting new guys.”
      Easier said than done. I agree with you that she’s not to cool it a bit, but it’s very easy to get carried away if she hasn’t met a guy she really likes in ages and this guy dinged all her bells … and the reality is that she could go for months without meeting a guy she likes as much. I think we women know that, which is why it’s so depressing if things fizzle.

      1. 3.1.1
        Clare

        Em,

        “the reality is that she could go for months without meeting a guy she likes as much. I think we women know that, which is why it’s so depressing if things fizzle.”

        Yeah I know. But when I was dating, I had to force myself to put this thought right out of my mind in the early stages. I used to constantly remind myself that the first few weeks are just about seeing if there is a mutual desire to spend more time together and get to know each other, and that we really don’t know how “great” someone is until we’ve gotten to know them better.

        Of course I’ve fallen into this trap that you mention more than once myself. Sometimes you meet someone and it is just instant sparks and extremely enjoyable, and that is rare (like with my current bf). But funnily enough, I found that not investing too much of my own energy (ie. letting him initiate) in the early stages allowed me not to become too invested emotionally. In my experience, energy expended = investment.

        But sure, it definitely is depressing when something promising fizzles out. Although, I think you have to ask yourself – if it fizzles out so easily, how promising can it have been?

        1. Emily, to

          Clare,
          “In my experience, energy expended = investment.”
          To a certain extent, yes, but even if I stop myself from doing more (calling or text, etc.), that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about the person. And checking my phone a million times to see if he’s contacted me. 🙂 The waiting can be excruciating.

        2. Clare

          “that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about the person. And checking my phone a million times to see if he’s contacted me.”

          Eek, Em, after one date??

          I can certainly sympathise with this after it’s been several dates and at least a few weeks.

          But I have a box in my mind in which I store guys whom I have only met once or twice, and it only gets taken out when I hear from them…

          This probably my British blood coming through, but when I’ve just met a guy I can simultaneously think he’s amazing and also think “If he doesn’t call me, sod ’em.”

        3. Emily, to

          Clare,
          “Eek, Em, after one date??”
          Most definitely. Just seeing someone across the room before even speaking can hit you like a ton of bricks. Doesn’t mean anything’s going to happen, of course, or that you’d be a match once you got to know each other.

  4. 4
    Paula

    ‘You can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy.’

    Thank you Evan for such a simple but powerful message – I think dating rules and such sometimes lull us into believing we could have changed an outcome if only we’d done this or hadn’t done that.

  5. 5
    Stephanie

    One of Evan’s strengths as a coach is that he encourages putting the brakes on texting, particularly early in the relationship. I agree that she did nothing wrong by initiating since he had already reached out to her more than once. The problem is the content of the texts: asking questions and talking about the future via text can be very off-putting when you hardly know someone.

    1. 5.1
      Paula

      Agree! And I keep reminding myself not to be afraid of being forgotten/overlooked if there’s isn’t enough text frequency. The guy who is interested will stay interested even absent daily texting.

      1. 5.1.1
        Stephanie

        A guy who is seriously interested will call or want to see you too.

        And texting isn’t a good way to build intimacy. I found that out the hard way…

  6. 6
    Yet Another Guy

    “He always responds when I write (within a reasonable amount of time and usually with a chuckle too), but is no longer initiating the contact himself and now that the oxytocin levels in my brain have normalized, all I want to do is reach out, demonstrate integrity by owning my mistake, and ask him for a mulligan.”

    Evan is right when he stated that a woman cannot do the wrong thing with the right guy. In my humble opinion, the LW dated a man who is dating more than one woman. He may be interested, but he is keeping his options open for the bigger, better deal. When a guy meets the right woman, he will focus on her at the expense of his options. Responding to texts is not the same as initiating texts. Most guys will happily respond to texts if doing so will keep a woman on the hook (basically, a sexy-on-standby). What matters is his followup.

    1. 6.1
      Stephanie

      The guy also mentioned an ex on the first date. It could mean nothing or it could mean he may not be available for anything serious.

  7. 7
    ScottH

    M- some guys might actually like it when the woman initiates a text or phone call every once in a while. That actually energizes this guy to want to do more. It shows that you’re interested. It shows partnership. When you sit back and wait for him to initiate every time, it can be perceived as lack of interest (just aw you’re suspecting with him) and then the guy might misinterpret your behavior and move on. Just my 2 cents.
    IMO, when you play by The Rules, you’re playing a game and I remember hearing someone (Evan?) say that when you start playing games, everyone loses. Be yourself and reach out. If he doesn’t like you being you, then it isn’t meant to be. Someone somewhere will like that.

    1. 7.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @ScottH

      I agree with you in part. A woman reaching out periodically does make things feel less one-sided. However, I have never had a woman who was truly interested make me carry all of the water. I do not have time for that nonsense. I also do not agree with the concept that an alpha male wants to make all of the moves and that he will be turned off by a woman making advances. I will agree that an emotionally immature alpha male or a poser (a.k.a. alpha male wannabe) will be turned off by a woman making advances because he wants to control that situation due to lack of true confidence. If a mature alpha male is turned off by a woman making advances, well, he is just not that into her, so he wants to control the outcome. When a man is truly interested, alpha or not, a woman can do no wrong. Percy Sledge said it best in the song “When A Man Loves a Woman.”

      If she is bad he can’t see it
      She can do no wrong
      Turn his back on his best friend
      If he put her down.

      1. 7.1.1
        Marika

        I think we need to remember she has had ONE date.

        His feelings for her are unclear, mostly positive, but he has no idea yet whether it’s going anywhere, and few people would completely stop dating others this quickly. Even if she ends up being ‘the one’.

        Many a burgeoning dating situation has been cut short by an eager-beaver after one date texting relentlessly, talking about a future, and (in the instance she did do this), then apologising. It’s happened to me, and I’m not a guy nor am I easily scared. You can’t do the wrong thing with the right person – *unless* it’s been only one date and the other person is freaked out.

        All is not lost. But the very best thing she can do *at this point* is to calm down. And see if he reaches out. Then, when things are more established, she can safely do more.

        1. Clare

          Marika,

          “Many a burgeoning dating situation has been cut short by an eager-beaver after one date texting relentlessly, talking about a future, and (in the instance she did do this), then apologising.”

          I agree with you so much here. When I was dating, I can’t tell you how often it would happen that I would wish a guy would calm down on the texting and leave a little bit of mystery, or how often I would think “This guy would be so great if he would just text in a calmer, more normal manner.”

          And as for a guy I barely knew asking me about the future over text – that is a big faux pas. But apologising is possibly even worse. It shows such a lack of confidence. The best thing you can do is, once you realise your mistake, calm down and be a bit more cool. Focus on getting to know each other *in person*. Focus on setting up the next date.

        2. Marika

          C-meister

          I think the issue is just that it sets up expectations you’re not quite sure you signed up for (yet), and backs you into a corner re how to respond if they keep persisting and you don’t want to be rude. So then you start feeling scared/frustrated rather than happy and excited about them. That’s the issue for me, anyway.

          If that calms down, I can put it down to excitement about me, rather than general creepy /stalker ness, I can take a breath and we can start up again. Def no apologies needed, let’s just have a bit of space to think.

          I heart how you say ‘when’ I was dating….our gal’s out of the pool!! 😉

        3. Clare

          M ‘n M,

          “So then you start feeling scared/frustrated rather than happy and excited about them. That’s the issue for me, anyway.

          If that calms down, I can put it down to excitement about me, rather than general creepy /stalker ness, I can take a breath and we can start up again.”

          I think it’s great that you can do this. I must say, for me, coolness is an extremely attractive quality and something I look for in a partner. So unfortunately, I would usually be tempted to disqualify a guy for getting carried away too early – in fact, I have done this many times. It depends on how it’s done – some people can get a bit carried away and it’s adorable, and others can get a bit too much and it’s just… well… too much and kills things right there. At least, that’s how it was for me.

          “I heart how you say ‘when’ I was dating….our gal’s out of the pool!! ”

          Awww, ta 😉 I will be very pleased if this relationship goes the distance and means I can hang up my swimming trunks permanently.

          We’re taking it slow-ish (both been married before), but I’ll keep you updated.

        4. Marika

          Well, at the end of the day CC, you want them to be excited – you just want to be sure they are excited about *you* , and are not crazy. (Yes, dudes, men can be crazy too!!).

          I’m attracted to coolness too, but not for any healthy reasons. Anyway, who am I to tell you! You’re the one practically engaged to a gorgeous guy, probably called something Dutch like Luuk 😉

          Clare and Luuk, sitting in a tree…

        5. Clare

          Mariks,

          Actually, he’s got an insanely English name… all the guys I have ever dated have had actually!

          Maybe coolness is the wrong word to describe what I’m talking about… because there certainly has to be warmth and lots of it. I mean “normality” for want of a better word… Someone who is even-tempered and neither too much nor too little in their energy. Someone who can regulate their behaviour and emotions.
          (And yes, I’ve had my share of “crazies” in the dude department – everything from being physically restrained from getting in my car to having hot chocolate thrown in my face!)

          I’ve reached a really nice mellow point in my personality and in my life, and I don’t want someone who is always upsetting the apple cart….

    2. 7.2
      Seth

      I agree. If I am the one doing all the initiating on things…contact, conversation, etc….
      And I see nothing coming from her. Then my assumption is she isn’t interested in me she is just going along so she has something to do. So I personally think there needs to be a shared responsibility on both ppl for building the relationship. There needs to be similar contribution.
      Assuming you want things to progress.

  8. 8
    Elizabeth

    This is why, when I was dating online, I used to make sure I was seeing 3 men at the same time and have 7-10 “in the hopper”: to keep myself from being too excited about any one guy too early by cultivating a sense of abundance.

    When I met my husband, he made it clear he wanted to be exclusive within 5 weeks – no guessing, or second-guessing, required! The OP needs to get busy and keep her options open. Truly, you can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy!

  9. 9
    Greg

    Like most things in life and dating, there are one-and-done, do overs, the great escape and hopefully one day, the melding of heart, mind and body.

    My story is a bit different; I was on Match last weekend and said hello to someone i saw once 7 or more years ago. She remembered; I did not. I called her on Saturday and reacquainted ourselves. I pursued her and appreciated her feminie response to me.

    Found enough common ground I drove an hour last night after work, to meet her for a drink/lite dinner on Monday night. Seven years is a long time and I sent her some recent <1 yr old pictures of myself by text. (my profile had a mix of pics; so i decided to level the playing field.)

    Yes, i have gotten grayer and heavier and made a transparent point of knowing this personal challenge and how i have engagted a new heathly lifestyle. She appreciated my honesty and she agreed to meet.. We are not kids; she is 61 and I am 63; both divorced nearly 10 yrs. So the stage seem well prepared and no hidden agendas.

    We found alot of common ground; lifestyle choices, the arts, etc. Things were going well. Nearing retirement from full time work, I told her of my dream of wamer climate in winter and cooler location in summer. She nodded and muttered she is "in" as a possible partner in "75 lbs". A bit shocked i asked her to repeat the comment and she spoke a bit lounder without apology. I was pushed back a bit to say the least. Not the 'kind and thoughtful woman" she advocated in print and in person. Stayed another ten minutes paid the bill, walked her out to her car and expressed a pleasant evening with a hug.

    This woman was eager and then excited to see me as she wondered why i ghosted her 7 years ago. I found out again, last night, why i did not pursue her so many years ago. A man or woman in the early stages have many opportuniites to be polite, kind and gentle. She immediately decided her interests were primary.

    On the drive home, I realized I dodged a bullet for a second time. And then sent her a brief message thanking for her company last night. Then I deleted her prior message and texts today especially when I did not even receive a thank you.

    I also realize that "life is short" message; but kindness and class is never to be ignored or taken for granted. The woman in this string felt she was "too much". I will take that energy over "not good enough" message, any day in the week.

    1. 9.1
      Marika

      Greg

      I’m so sorry. That’s awful.

      You can rest assured, though, that you acted like a complete gentleman regardless. Not easy to do under the circumstances. I think she missed out 🙂

      1. 9.1.1
        ScottH

        He was too much of a gentleman. I think it would have been more appropriate to be abrupt and much less cordial. She needs the feedback that she was being an asshole. Or just tell her straight up that she was being rude and then point out some fault in her and walk away.

    2. 9.2
      Paula

      I am sorry that happened to you. Unless a person has outright misrepresented themselves there is never an excuse to be less than polite and kind. That you didn’t bolt straightaway at her comment is something you can be proud of.

      1. 9.2.1
        kenley

        @Paula,

        Does that mean if a person has outright misrepresented themselves that it would be an acceptable excuse for a date to be impolite and unkind? If so, then perhaps Greg’s date did believe that Greg misrepresented himself…even though he may not have done so on purpose.

        I have struggled with weight my entire life. Up and down and up and down. Lately, I have been on the upside…steadily gaining. While I know I have had to buy larger sizes, the change in the mirror seemed so gradual that I didn’t really see the gain until a co-worker took a group picture and then I really saw the gain. Until I saw the picture, I would have felt totally sending a year old picture because I would have felt, that’s basically what I look like now. However, I would have been wrong. That year old picture doesn’t represent what I look like now. I

        So what’s my point. Well, while Greg told his date that he had gained weight but was now on track to being healthy, the last picture he sent (which was over a year old), may not have accurately shown her his present day size. So, if she was expecting a guy who was 20-30 pounds overweight and met someone who was actually 75 pounds overweight, she may have felt deceived. I don’t believe that being rude is acceptable in the instance either. But, from his date’s perspective, perhaps Greg played a role. Fat revulsion is real. There are so many examples on this very blog of both women and men — especially the older ones — regarding fat people with disgust and disdain. It’s probably difficult for some people to hide those feelings when they are on a date.

        1. Paula

          It’s clear you have some strong personal feelings about this but I’m talking about those who *knowingly* omit or misrepresent physical characteristics out of avoiding what they’ve learned is generally a negative reception when meeting someone for the first time. If you see this as a black and white issue that’s your problem but I think we all recognize there is a fine line between using photos that don’t capture 100% accuracy and being outright deceitful; the latter in my mind are no different from people who lie about their education, marital status or anything else that is relevant to meeting someone within the context of dating.

        2. Allison

          The exact thing happened to me. I knew I gained weight but I thought I looked the same on the outside, we had to update our employee ID’s a few weeks ago and honestly I didn’t even recognize the person in the picture which was shocking because I did look at myself in the mirror that morning. There was a study done on how people lie to themselves about their looks when they see themselves in the mirror but I never thought it would happen to me.

          I feel bad that Greg was hurt but he has to also take responsibility for having an online profile with photos that are over a year old. Blaming her will not help him in fact it will just aid in his lying to himself about who was really at fault.

          Yes as you said fat revulsion is real. The same people who would be your friend or who would stand up against fat shaming are the same people who would NOT date you for being fat the OkCupid study proved that altruistic people say one thing but their dating habits prove something else.

    3. 9.3
      Mike

      Greg,

      I have no idea what was meant by

      “she is “in” as a possible partner in “75 lbs”. ”

      But it sounds that it was not a match regardless!

    4. 9.4
      Mike

      Nevermind, I think I see it now: She told you she expected you to lose a lot of weight before she would consider. Yikes.

  10. 10
    Greg

    Kenley: Been at this for a few years… reread my post above. BEFORE, the date, I sent her full length shots in a tux from April which is < 1 year old. So she saw me in 'recent size' . We all make choices, make judgements, make decisions that actually are focused on yourself. I do it too… However, being rude or using the current term, fat shaming, to your face is a big, red flag.

    So I considered myself lucky. I have been losing weight with the Keto diet and my trainer led sessions. In a few short months I will find my 38 in jeans agains on my 6'2" in frame, while keep my full head of graying hair, straight white teeth, and my financial security. But she will not change because character counts. She will remain alone and will lament (as she did during this one date) on finding 'normal guys'. Again, believe the negatives, ignore the postive as Evan preaches. So again, I feel lucky to learn her lack of kindness early on.

    I am not sure what the average age of the reader here. But i can assure you some days feeling 60 feels like you are in your 40s. And some other days, I feel like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, before oiling.

    And if you are looking for your final life partner, life can and will wear you down. You want to have a partner in your life who feels, to the end, that you are blessing instead of a burden. It's what we all want: respect and love from someone who has your back and keeps you both moving forward.

  11. 11
    Mike

    Hi M [the writer of the lettter]

    I agree with Evan from my experience that you *almost* can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy. Almost I am going to guess that there really wasn’t anything to ruin here. I mean I am sure you didn’t tell him what you were going to name your babies together,or anything like that.

    Think about it. Surely you have gone out with some great guys who did everything right and you showed enthusiasm during the date, but then the day after you found that you weren’t really interested in a second date. It happens both ways you know.

    I say, Do NOT ask for the mulligan. Even if you did tell him about that house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids you and he would one day have. Apologize for being too enthusiastic?? How crazy does that sound. How is that possibly going to segue into a second date anyway. The best thing you could do is put yourself out there again, and he may wonder why he passed you up. Meanwhile there are other fishes in the sea, if you could attract a guy like him surely there are plenty of other great guys who woud really like to take you out.

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