Do you constantly check your phone to see if you’ve heard from him?
Do you find yourself ruminating about your relationship status and where it’s going?
Do you feel sick to your stomach when you have to have a difficult conversation?
Do you swallow your feelings because you’re afraid that expressing yourself will lead to a breakup?
If so, you’re not alone. In today’s article, Jill Weber, author of Be Calm: Proven Techniques to Stop Anxiety Now outlines 4 ways to not let anxiety dominate and destroy your romantic relationship. The link above offers her take. Here’s mine:
1. Stop seeking reassurance (or at least cut it down by a third!).
Confidence is the most attractive trait there is – regardless of gender. Without confidence, you’re sunk. With it, you can do anything. Where people struggle is the gap between internal confidence and external validation. We all want our partners to find us smart, funny, sexy, interesting, kind. We all want our partners to love us unconditionally and promise to stay together forever. Confident people assume that our partners DO find us attractive and WILL want to stay together forever. Insecure people assume the opposite. The key is in insecure people realizing that insecurity is unattractive and doesn’t make people want to stay – and recognizing that if he’s your partner, he DOES like you and has every intention of staying. If you don’t feel attractive or validated or safe, it may be a sign of a lack of confidence, but usually it’s a sign that you need a new partner.
2. You are not your thoughts.
My favorite book on this subject is The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. In it, he points out that the negative voice inside your head is meaner than any person you know. You’d never be friends with anyone who says to you what you say to yourself. Realize that this voice is not “you,” but rather, a voice that must be separated from yourself and tuned out. If you ever feel like you’re not good enough, unworthy of love, etc, it is not REAL; it’s just that negative voice of naysayers throughout your life – and you can’t listen to it anymore.
People are NEVER going to do exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it – yes, even the man who loves you and cares about you.
3. Learn to sit with difficult emotions.
People are NEVER going to do exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it – yes, even the man who loves you and cares about you. Just because he disagrees with you doesn’t mean he’s wrong. Just because he sees the same situation differently doesn’t mean he’s selfish – no more than you’re selfish for having a different take than he does. And just because you disagree doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed; it just means you need to listen to each other and either agree to disagree or compromise.
It’s not whether you will disagree; it’s what you do about it afterward. Listening, validating, not attacking, looking for points of agreement, assuming the best intentions: these are the hallmarks of healthy communication and successful relationships. I wrote about it here (and have an entire week on it in Love U) and there may be nothing more important than learning to communicate. Attraction is easy. Navigating thru life with one person is a lot trickier – especially if you don’t have the skills to do so.
Your thoughts on the original piece – and my two cents – are greatly appreciated.