Why Do Men Get Serious So Fast?

Why Do Men Get Serious So Fast?
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In this age of all of these swiping apps, I feel like men are trying to jump into a serious relationship immediately. Sometimes without even having met me, or after one date they are acting like we’re in a serious relationship. If I try to slow things down a bit and get to know someone, it seems like they disappear if I’m not responding with the same level of intensity. I think my slowing things down to actually get to know a man feels like a rejection to him. I feel like another woman is just one swipe away so why try to get to know someone a little slowly if someone else will pick up the intensity right away?

I noted in my profile that I prefer to get to know someone a little slowly at the very beginning. Some guys seem to respect that and I’ve even had a phone conversation with one guy about it. I asked “why don’t people want to actually date at the beginning anymore”? He told me it’s the scarcity mentality and men feel like you’re just one swipe away from meeting someone else so they want to lock you down right away. He is an example of what I’m experiencing. We were trying to sync our schedules up and we decided to meet about a week and a half after our initial call. We had a few calls over a couple of days and fun banter back and forth on text. Then poof, he disappeared. We didn’t even get to the first date. Nothing awkward happened in any of the calls. My assumption is that he just met someone more interesting to him than me in the meantime. We’re the same age and he is not that good looking at all but not terrible either.

In the past I have jumped straight into relationships where I was in a serious relationship right away but then realized a few months in that I didn’t really know the person and then figured out that we were not compatible. It’s a little painful to extract myself from those situations so taking it a little slow is the way to go. Am I the only one who thinks this? How do you keep the interest going before you get to the date? What if you really have no idea how you feel about someone before you meet them and don’t feel super flirty on text?

Lisa

Great letter, Lisa. I agree with almost everything you wrote.

In fact, my dating philosophy is based on the principle you outlined in the last paragraph:

“Taking it a little slow is the way to go.”

That’s why month 2 of Love U goes from Staying Cool to Sex to Being Selective to Becoming Exclusive to Boyfriend Material, in that order. Better to spend a month evaluating whether a guy is worthy of commitment BEFORE he’s your boyfriend, not after.

Otherwise, there’ll be a lot of hooking up and breaking up with people you never should have hooked up with in the first place.

All you can do is continue to go at your pace and show them how to please you better.

So why do we act like this?

Chemistry – dopamine and serotonin are much more powerful than “let’s take it slow.”

Scarcity – “If I don’t act fast, this amazing man will be off the market quickly!”

Competition – “I’m aware you have other options so, quick, choose me before you explore them!”

That’s what you got right, Lisa. But observing this doesn’t fix the fact that most people are more driven by passion than logic when it comes to dating. I’m no different.

In 2000, I was head-over-heels for a woman on Match. Totally wanted her to be my girlfriend after one date. She told me she was happy being single and dating 5 other guys. Instead of shaming her for dating other men, pressuring her into committing against her will, or bailing because of my own insecurity, I tried something novel:

I told her that she should date whomever she wanted. But the next time she went out with another guy and discovered she had more fun with me, she should stop seeing that guy.

I think it took about two weeks for her to become my girlfriend.

(Sadly, this was my hottest/craziest relationship, but the courtship was kinda cute.)

Bringing this back to you, Lisa, with these aggressive men:

All you can do is continue to go at your pace and show them how to please you better.

The right guy will follow your lead. The wrong guy will throw a fit like a petulant child. It won’t take long to figure out which one is which.

Two other points which you may not have considered:

I noted in my profile that I prefer to get to know someone a little slowly at the very beginning.”

Please don’t do this. I agree with you in principle, as I wrote above. That doesn’t mean you should advertise it. “Moving slowly” or “Friends first” is easily read as “I’m fearful. I have issues with trust and sex. You won’t get laid for at least a few months.” You can move slow, but don’t take away the thrill of the chase by explaining this in your profile.

“Men feel like you’re just one swipe away from meeting someone else so they want to lock you down right away.”

But couldn’t that just as easily be said about women? At least the first part? You’re giving men all the power in this equation but wouldn’t you say that an attractive woman who has hundreds of men swiping right on her maintains the greatest level of power? You may not like how quickly men pressure you into commitment, but every guy knows the experience of a woman who disappears because some other guy got there first.

The answer – as always – is more confidence that you have the right to pace things in a way that works for you AND men, more communication to show men how you prefer to be courted, and more empathy for why the opposite sex does what it does. There’s a reason that men push hard – and it’s not just to be annoying.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Yet Another Guy

    “You may not like how quickly men pressure you into commitment, but every guy knows the experience of a woman who disappears because some other guy got there first.”

    We should also add in the fact that most men have experienced “more aggressive interloper syndrome.” Pacing pursuit is often difficult for men. It is almost a damned if you do and damned if you do not proposition. If a man moves too quickly, he risks turning a woman off. If he moves too slowly with a woman who has options, he risks losing her to a more aggressive man. Any women who feels pressured by a guy to move quickly can be assured that she has a high SMV in his eyes because guys do not attempt to lock down women who they see as average. That is where the scarcity mindset enters the picture.

    As Evan mentioned, I have never heard a woman complain about a man who rang her bell moving too quickly, not once. It is usually the other way around. Women only complain about guys moving too quickly when they are dating a guy with long-term potential who is a step or two above friend-zone material. In that case, a woman wanting to take things slowly is code word for “I need time to discover attributes that compensate for my lack of strong physical attraction.” The reality is that if a women needs to time to get to know a guy, one can be assured that arousal on her part is low and she is accessing his relationship potential based on his “dad” attributes (Patricia Draper’s definition of “dad”). My advice to men in this situation is to run away as quickly as possible because true mutual passion will never occur in such a match.

    1. 1.1
      mara

      “If he moves too slowly with a woman who has options, he risks losing her to a more aggressive man”
      nah, that’s literlaly thinking women work like slot machines, and I always heard this kind of silly reasoning ffrom len who really do not understand women. Like when guys go out and see a group of girls and they ‘decide’ who is going to do which one. Lol. Women pick, it’s science, no need to discuss with your friends who is getting the brunette, cu she has already decided who she likes, if any, of you, and the order in which whomever of you does what is completely irrelevant, you or other guys in the room.
      it takes me a split second to decide if a guy is physically attractive or not, and nothing he or another guy will say or do will change that, and a lot of women are like me, contrary to popular belief.
      Also, a lot of women hate aggressive men and prefer shy guys, but mostly you do not lose a woman to the guy or friend that said or did something faster because science has proven that women pick, and that has nothing to do with who says what first.
      We pick who we like, not who puts the coin in and pulls the handle quicker.

      1. 1.1.1
        Mr_B

        The more women date the higher the chance they can meet someone better than you.

        There is always someone smarter, more attractive or wealthier than you.

        Your comments make me realize how different the experience of dating is between the sexes.

        Most women are swimming in hot dogs but only want steak.

        A few men have a buffet of prime rib and lobster. Meanwhile most men are so hungry would be happy to have a few saltine crackers.

        Women think all men are at the buffet.

    2. 1.2
      ScottH

      I believe the saying is: with the right person, you can’t do the wrong thing.

    3. 1.3
      Lia

      YAG, you wrote,“The reality is that if a women needs to time to get to know a guy, one can be assured that arousal on her part is low and she is accessing his relationship potential based on his “dad” attributes (Patricia Draper’s definition of “dad”). My advice to men in this situation is to run away as quickly as possible because true mutual passion will never occur in such a match.”

      I disagree. I move slow, I always have. It takes time for me to get to know a guy and have feelings for him. I did not initially have “the hots” for the last guy I was in relationship with. That changed as I got to know him. He definitely did it for me as I fell for him and there was a lot of mutual passion. I think that men have a hard time understanding this because they do not operate that way. I have also seen several of my women friends stay friends with guys they would like to have a relationship with because they think that at some point the guy will see what a great person she is on the inside and fall for her… it never happens.

      1. 1.3.1
        april hunter

        Some people are Sapiosexuals…they need to connect in a different way – mentally – before they can feel attraction.
        They’re attracted to wit, intelligence…and if someone doesn’t click with you on that level, no matter how good looking the exterior is, there won’t be an attraction.

        So, yes, it’s possible that some of us want to get to know people slowly for that reason, too, among others.

    4. 1.4
      Yet Another Guy

      @Lia

      “I disagree. I move slow, I always have. It takes time for me to get to know a guy and have feelings for him. I did not initially have “the hots” for the last guy I was in relationship with. That changed as I got to know him.”

      You just proved my case. Your attraction to this guy grew via his compensating (dad) attributes, not his raw animal magnetism. That is not the same thing as meeting a guy with whom you have a difficult time keeping your hands to yourself. That is what I meant by “true mutual passion.” You can be assured that any guy who continues to date you had/has the hots for you right off of the bat. He does not need to compensating attributes to be with you. Your educational attainment level, professional status and warmth are nice, but what drew him to you is physical attraction that was strong enough to invoke the primal urge to pursue and conquer because men lead with physical chemistry, not emotional or intellectual chemistry. Guys will hookup with women for whom they do not have the hots, but they sure as hell will not continue to date them because attraction does not grow for men. Why? Because we do not have the arousal/comfort dichotomy that women possess. Men are less selective when it comes to choosing a mate because we have less invested in child rearing. When a man limits reproduction to one woman, he limits the number of children he can father. Most men have no choice, but to take the dad path to sex, but other men do not because women are more than willing to have NSA sex with them. Please do yourself a favor by Googling “dad cad Draper.” The subject has been well-researched. It will be an eye-opening experience. It helped me to understand the “make guys who have LTR potential wait while offering NSA sex to guys without long-term potential” dichotomy that has been argued to exhaustion on this blog. What women are really expressing here is the preference for (high comfort) dads for an LTR or marriage while preferring (high arousal) cads for flings. The only reason why you state that you have to have feelings for him is because you have never met a guy with whom you have a difficult time keeping your hands yourself. That is not uncommon because women are much more selective than men when it comes to pure physical attraction. In fact, women find 80% of the male population to be of less than average attractiveness. Since more than 20% of women get married, selecting a mate based on compensating attributes appears to be the norm.

      1. 1.4.1
        Lia

        YAG, you wrote,

        “The only reason why you state that you have to have feelings for him is because you have never met a guy with whom you have a difficult time keeping your hands yourself.”

        I am wondering how you can make that judgement without even knowing me or the relationship I wrote about? I can tell you that in all the time we were together, the sex never dropped below 4X a week (more in the beginning). I initiated sex about 40% of the time. I loved the way he looked, smelled, and tasted. I did not prove your point, you simply can’t see another viewpoint on this subject.

  2. 2
    Elizabeth

    YAG hit the nail on the head and I agree with everything he wrote! I took a similar approach to dating, with a “wait and see” attitude towards each new guy – until I met my fiance.

    It took us weeks to get together because of holiday family obligations, so we had a fun “pre-courtship” over text during that time. We finally managed to meet up for “a Happy Hour drink” – which turned into an 8 HOUR first date! And we broke all the rules: we dropped our walls and bared our souls about all the heavy things you’re NOT supposed to talk about on a first date. It was like meeting an old friend for the first time in years and needing to catch them up on your life; we were just like, “HI! Oh, it’s YOU – you’re my people.” We laughed a lot, and shut down restaurant after bar, until we had nowhere else to go but home… so, we spent the night together (and it was the hottest sex either of us has ever experienced). We’ve been inseparable ever since.

    He invited me out for Valentine’s Day within a couple weeks because he said “I don’t want to get aced out of your schedule”, asked me to “go steady” at 5 weeks, and asked me to move in at 6 months (I waited another 3 before saying yes because that did seem a little fast, LOL). There was almost no hesitation on my part because yes, he sure rung my bell (and me, his)! I am happy to report that it’s only gotten better over the course of 4 years, and we’re getting married in a couple weeks.

    I still read Evan’s blog because he was with me through all this and I find the topic fascinating.

    My point: When you do meet the right person there is chemistry AND compatibility, and you’ll know. Some people don’t have the same interest in sex as we do (and that goes for men and women), so their bond might grow more slowly. But in general, YAG is right: when you’ve finally found what you’re looking for, you know it when you see it.

    Oh, and one final example of how the walls drop for the right person: when we met, my fiance was recently divorced after 20+ years, and never wanted to marry again. But he knew it was what I wanted, and he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, regardless. So here we are! Again, when you find what you are looking for, it’s amazing how those walls come down!

    1. 2.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Congratulations Elizabeth ! Wishing you and your fiance all the best !

  3. 3
    Lynn

    Congratulations Elizabeth!! So excited for your upcoming wedding. May your days ahead bring much joy and happiness to you both.

  4. 4
    Baba Rum

    “There is a reason men push hard”
    Desperation personally I don’t find this attractive.

  5. 5
    bvg

    Of course some men can be insecure and try to rush things. Sometimes though, men really like a woman and are just very interested. Is this message board so jaded as to assume any great interest means insecurity? Sounds a little like Groucho Marx: “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member” – or rather – “I refuse to date anyone who is really into me”

  6. 6
    exit 2 miles ahead

    Men choose, Women decide.

    1. 6.1
      Michael D

      It’s the other way around. Women choose who they date and sleep with. Men then decide whether or not they want to stick around afterwards and marry them.

  7. 7
    Gallilee

    I agree totally with Evans advice ‘please don’t do this’. More broadly, there’s a tendency in the world of life advice, self help books etc to tell people to confidently share every thought and feeling that they have. They think they’re encouraging confidence, but life is more subtle than that. It just comes across as negative and needlessly confrontational.

    Lisa, I also think that you might have some unreasonable expectations. I don’t thinking fair to ask any person to put in lots of time and effort BEFORE you’ve actually met. Yes going slowly, not immediately having sex etc is very reasonable, but not when you’re just pixels on a screen.

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