What Do Men Get Out of Looking At Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)

What Do Men Get Out of Looking at Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)
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Dear Evan,

What is it that men get out of looking/gazing at beautiful women, nude or otherwise?

I have read on other websites that men actually get a chemical “high” in their brain when they see an attractive woman and that is why they are so drawn to look at other women even when they are in love with another. I’m wondering, from your perspective, what you think it is. Are men sexually “turned on” when they see a beautiful woman naked and automatically fantasize about having sex with her or is it more of just plain old admiration for the beautiful female form with no arousal? And, if it is sexual arousal, does that happen only in seeing a naked woman (magazine, strip joint, porn) or does that happen when you see a beautiful clothed woman as well? I have always been very curious about this as I think it is very different for women. —Cat

Dear Cat,

Thoughtful and provocative question, and I’m going to attempt to tackle it even though I’m no therapist, historian or biologist.

First off, I want to acknowledge that everything you wrote, in my estimation, is true.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

What I’d like to add to all of those ideas is that none of that should affect your relationship…unless you make it affect your relationship.

In other words:

GOOD men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

GOOD men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

GOOD men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

Without covering the entire landscape of debates about DNA or evolution or propagation of the species, here’s my take on the whole thing:

Men, since the beginning of time, were designed to spread their seed.

Because monogamy lowers the chances that our genes will survive, men are not, by nature, monogamous creatures. We choose monogamy because we deem that it’s more beneficial to have love, stability, and a nuclear family than to have lots of children running around with our eyes. But make no mistake, monogamy is a choice, not a natural state.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Anyway, in my estimation, the male sex drive has nothing to do with kindness or personality or compatibility. It is entirely based on physical attraction, which we feel instantly with the release of dopamine, serotonin, and testosterone. This is why men can know if they would sleep with you in less than five seconds.

As far as what’s physically attractive? I think it’s largely based on societal reinforcement. Most men, for example, agree that symmetrical faces with small noses and certain hip to waist ratios (thin waist, wider hips) are considered attractive. Naturally, there are some men who like older women or heavier women or women with one leg. There’s a lid for every pot. Still, a lot of men still want to try on the same lid, who just happens to be 20-30 years old, have stunning features and is built like a Barbie doll. Moving along…

Next, I’d like to assert that a man’s sexual tastes and feelings of attraction don’t disappear because he is in love with another woman.

His intense feelings for his girlfriend may lessen his desires to look elsewhere for sex. But once those intense feelings of chemistry go away (as they usually do after 18 to 36 months — just long enough to conceive and raise a young child), his attraction will still spike every time he sees an attractive woman, in some form or another.

The more self-aware men understand this intellectually, and relegate those spikes of attraction to what they are — biologically programmed bursts of pleasure. We give ourselves doses of this pleasure when we’re walking on a beach, when we’re at an outdoor concert, when we’re at parties, and especially when we’re on the Internet. I’ve heard that 30% of the internet is porn, and if this is the case, it should be no surprise.

Men crave variety. This is normal. It’s all about whether he acts on this desire.

Men can admit attraction to favorite celebrities, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers.

I know this because I’ve done all of the above and I know I am not alone.

And since the value of my marriage is far greater than the value of sleeping with a stranger in Paris, I remain faithful, even though I’m attracted to other women everywhere I go. It would never even occur to me after 300 dates and nearly 10 years as a dating coach that there’s anyone out there who’d make me happier for the next forty years than my own wife.

That doesn’t mean in some alternate universe that I wouldn’t like to be able to have my cake and eat it, too. That’s essentially what alpha males do — get married and keep sleeping with other women. John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant – we can probably make a list of most politicians, athletes and rock stars.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

So why do men cheat?

Because they’re perpetually attracted to new women.

Because they’re high profile, rich, ambitious men who are desirable to these women.

Because they’re so important that they don’t think the rules apply to them.

Because they travel a lot and are frequently exposed to temptation.

Because they don’t value their wives as much as the thrill.

Because they don’t rationally calculate the value of their losses. So Tiger sleeps with a waitress in a Denny’s parking lot and he loses a half billion dollars, his wife, his kids, and his golf mojo. Somehow, I don’t think he considered that with his pants around his ankles.

This is just a long, roundabout way of saying that, in general, men want variety.

I recall a study that said the exact same thing.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he mixed it up in the bedroom a bit.

The results didn’t surprise me in the least.

Once again, I am not defending men. I am explaining men. Not every single man on the planet. Some men only have eyes for their wife. Some men are attracted to other men. Some men couldn’t conceive of having sex with a woman he didn’t love.

These are perfectly normal men, but they are also exceptions.

So even if we establish that men are driven by sex, it’s far from the whole story, as evidenced by the 50 million married men in the United States.

Simply put, men want love, too. Even if we still like to look elsewhere.

It’s far better to understand and accept these qualities in men than to shame them, insult them, or tell them that they’re wrong for being this way.

As long as he treats you well and doesn’t take action on his desires, you’ve got a good man whose desire for you is stronger than his real sexual impulse to be with someone else.

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Comments:

  1. 421
    Mp

    Bull shit, women after a while also like variety, also get bored , also check out other men, we also talk about it with the girls, also fantasize, we also like porn, we just don’t expose it, and we hide it better than men… We also show respect to our men by not acting out, or making things obvious… We are just as bad… Women just don’t like to admit it, but I do

  2. 422
    Bombom

    First of all I agree that with the fact that this society have shaped the situation we are in by sexualized women. Men are been bombarded with so much of it is hard for some of them to deal with it. BUT!!

    We arent animals. we have will power and the potential to learn self control specially if we truly love our partners.

    No women or men should put up with the poor rationalization that men are men and thats what they do…looking. Ha!! Its disrespectful, rude and show lack of love and respect for your woman as well as the one you are looking at. Plain and simple. If you cant control yourself remain single. And if you both enjoy leaving the door to infidelity open by saying we both agree to it and even flirt with other people, goodluck to you, you will need it.

    I’m 44. I have wasted 16 years of my life trying to survive to domestic violence in my previous marriage that I didnt noticed this was a problem at all..LOL Now after 7   beautiful loving years in my second marriage I noticed my hubby looks at other women and it boils my blood when he does that. I know I’m pretty but sadly thats not the message I receive when he does that. I have told him previously since my self steem went to the floor after one of those experiences. For my sake I changed my wardrope, hair style and hit the gym. I did it for myself…to help my self steem and to find myself again. And in case he “slip off” I look fine enough to say NEXT!! LOL- After getting his attention back he did it again yesterday so I gave him a piece of my mind.   Hopefully he took me serious enough as he told me. I’m not putting up with that..I had enough s## in my life already. So I’m truly hope he fix it..I love him deeply but I also love myself. And dont get me wrong I understand the “high” thing..lol

    I look at attractive guys and feel the “high” thing but for a split second and pull myself off it automatically. I dont let it last minutes. I dont need noone to tell me. And if I’m with my hubby I do the same and he doesnt even noticed. Its normal. We are equipped to find a man\women and start a family. And that attraction wont stop from happening even after been married. We are alive and still have blood in our veins!….what is not normal is the continuously looking and staring.!! Ughhh

    I personally respond to two different kind of guys. Attractive ones that comes and go out of your sight in a split second. ( but I surely dont follow with eyes with or without my hubby next to me) And the ones who are attractive, intelligent with an awesome personality. (The perfect bundle.) I called those stomach flippers, lol..Those are the ones i take care myself from interacting with, specially since I know they arent inmune to me. But thats my KEY… Avoid interaction as the plague!! If I can do that anyone can do it. Its called respect for my marriage, my husband and myself. I love my husband a lot!!

    Infidelity dont always happen when 2 people have sex. It starts with the eyes then with the heart (already unfaithful) and whats left is the opportunity.

    So everything is a choice, including looking!

    Ps: my hubby doesnt know about my stomach flipping guys…lol.. I dont want to rise insecurities in him but if this continue I will. It might help him to see his perfect   wife is human after all.

     

     

  3. 423
    marie

    Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he mixed it up in the bedroom a bit.

     

    I disagree with this statement…as a woman. But I realize that the post is written by a man rrying to help people understand most men.

     

    Every thing else was interesting and insightful.

    1. 423.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Here’s the article the man cited when saying “women would be perfectly content with a guy who mixed it up.”

      Quote: “When researchers decided to look at this issue to develop a Sexual Boredom Scale, they found that for men, sexual boredom was correlated with variety in partners (or lack thereof), while for women, it was more related to variety in activity. In other words, women were more likely to be satisfied by changes in the sexual what, while men (gay or straight) were more likely to respond to a changes in the sexual whom. It’s a simple, unavoidable truth almost everyone knows to be true, but few dare to discuss: variety and change are the necessary spice of the sex life of the male of our species.”

        1. Emily, to

          Kristyn,
          “Women in long-term, committed heterosexual partnerships might think they’ve “gone off” sex—but it’s more that they’ve gone off the same sex with the same person over and over.”

          Psychology today, online article, “What do women really want?”
          “Monogamous marriage does work for women on a certain level: it provides security, intimacy, and help with the children. But it also suffocates female sexual desire. As the mischievous author Toni Bentley wrote recently: “There is virtually no female sexual problem—hormonal, menopausal, orgasmic, or just plain old lack of interest—that will not be solved by—ta-da!—a new lover.”

        2. RustyLH

          You know…if you mention MGTOW on this site, it evokes a standard response, and yet, that article is exactly what MGTOWs have been saying all along. See, MGTOWs don’t actually hate women. They don’t TRUST women, and what their mantra basically is, is this. Women can’t be trusted, and at some point, she is very likely to cheat on you, and also likely to fall in love with some other guy, leave you, take the kids, and a significant part of your income and things, in the process.

          They note that the government treats marriage as a contract, makes that contract largely one sided, and gives you almost no ability to rewrite that contract. Any honest lawyer will tell you that where a prenup and state law collide, state law wins. And even if something in the agreement doesn’t collide, a judge can still overrule it. This further fuels the mistrust.

          After that, MGTOWs separate into different levels of interaction with women. Everything from swearing them off, to those who will live with women, but not marry them. Some of the more well known ones are advocating for guys who want children, to use surrogate mothers, and paid for eggs of some pretty, cash strapped college student. This then allows them to either live as single dads, with no fear of losing their kids, so long as they are a good dad, or they can go so far as to form a Brady Bunch family, with no fear of losing his kids, should the marriage fail.

          Another article I saw posted here, talked about how it was men, not women, who had more romantic notions about marriage, and that it was women who were more pragmatic about romance. This is something else that MGTOW agrees with, and then simply says, “Men…wake up…stop buying into the fairy tale. Start being more pragmatic. Live for yourself, first. Protect yourself, first.”

          That said, I do not believe all people fit into cookie cutter molds. I have known men who do chaff against monogamy, while I have seen others faithfully love one women their entire life. I suspect that there are women who are the same.

          I also believe that it was much easier for people to be this way, before technology allowed sexualized media to be shoved in our eyes, all day, every day. I think this helped us appreciate what we have more. Think of it like this…you are locked into a building with no ability to get your own food. You have small but diverse selection of meals delivered every day. Enough to keep you satisfied, but certainly nothing like you can get on your own, once you can leave that building. And, if you have never had anything but those meals, that makes it even easier to be satisfied with them. How can you be tempted by cheesecake if you have never had it. Triple fudge chocolate cake, sometimes with ice cream, and sometimes with vanilla icing, and maybe an occasional different flavored ice cream is going to be pretty good, even if that is all you have ever had.

          When you leave that building, if there are no restaurants, and the only foods you have never tried, are being made in other peope’s homes…homes you never enter…again, it is easy to remain happy with what you have.

          But, when you walk out, and there are billboards, adverts, commercials, restaurant signs, and every other imaginable temptation put in front of you, it starts getting harder to resist something new…gets harder to be happy with what you have. And, that’t the world we now live in, regarding sex, and romance.

          Everywhere you turn, there are things that imply that your life is boring, and tempt you to want more, and go after it. I read an article by an advertiser who was talking about how they were not conducting a war on men, but rather, catering to women, because advertising was more effective when directed at women. Men resisted it better…though not 100%. I saw that in real life, when my ex-wife admitted that she wanted a specific car simply because of the commercial. It was the one for Saturn where the girl is buying her first Saturn, and everyone at the dealership gathers around and applauds. It caused an emotional response. For me, and most men, emotional advertising is less effective. Show us the J.D. Power awards. Show us the comparisons in reliability data. Show us the difference in brake horsepower, etc… This is not as easy for advertisers to do. They can’t fake it, and they can’t lie.

          So, I believe the same is true when it comes to selling romance, and sex. I mean, sure men love sex, and show us a picture of a pretty girl, and we like what we see, but we aren’t actually as tempted by these images. For instance, I can name a couple of instagram models who I think are stunningly beautiful. Could name more if I cared to become an aficionado of the media…but the point is, sure, I think they are super hot, but if I were in a relationship with somebody I loved, I would not be the least bit tempted, because my logical side would tell me that she would be a bad bet. I would be trading in the hot muscle car I’ve owned, and loved for a long time, for the exotic sports car, that is known to give its owner, nothing but trouble.

          I think this is also why you see thousands of young girls at a Justin Bieber concert, before he got married, scream out that they love him and want to marry him, as he walks by, while you don’t see young boys do the same at the concert of one of the concerts for somebody like Selena Gomez, or any of the other many young female pop stars. There is no competition by the guys to scream the loudest as the girl walks by. It’s just a completely different response. Not ironically, it was one Disney Executive’s first exposure to seeing this phenomena in person, that caused Disney to start getting into the boy band business.

          Anyway, the point is, I do believe that article is true, and thus, why I also think that MGTOWs have a valid point.

          There are people out there, who would make a good spouse, and not cheat, but they are not easy to find. We are really bad at interpreting the signs that tell us who will likely be faithful, and who will likely cheat.

          I would imagine that Evan’s advice can help with that, for those who are willing to listen.

        3. Kristyn H

          I didn’t post this website just to simply start an argument about the topic but to show that men and women are both human and both have the same essential needs/wants/desires in life. We go about these needs in different ways though. Men typically will hide and look at porn/camgirls and look at woman after woman to get that same rush over and over and women will sometimes look at porn or start talking/flirting with other men. Or they both may even go so far as to physically cheat. We are ALL looking to feel good about ourselves, appreciated, loved, adored, DESIRED. The sad thing is that gets harder and harder to work towards the further you are into a relationship, especially if you don’t meet other needs like a feeling of safety, loved, understood, cared about, or any other need. People stop communicating and enjoying each other and so they start to look outside of the relationship, and this has been made even easier by having a porn hub in our pockets.

          If you really want to understand this all better, I suggest looking into Esther Perel’s work. She has a podcast and many TedTalks.

        4. RustyLH

          Kristyn,

          You shouldn’t assume that I was arguing, because I was not. I in fact, stated that I agreed with the article, but gave you information that expounds on that. You and I are both in agreement on the symptoms, but we are likely not entirely in agreement on the causes…or maybe we are.

          The reality is that the system worked, at one point. We turned that on it’s ear, and it is no longer working. People can deny this, but it is true, and what you just said above, is very true, and we will eventually have to pay the piper. But people don’t want to hear that. I liken it to how some people saw the 2008 crash and housing bubble burst coming, and tried to sound the alarm, but most people didn’t want to hear it, and even many “experts” turned a blind eye…because nobody wants to be the one who rains on everybody’s parade.

          In this case, some people do warn, but they put all the blame on either men, or women, depending on their agenda. The reality is that they are both to blame. I know many MGTOWs who understand this. They are MGTOW because they know the fix isn’t coming anytime soon, and they don’t want to deal with the headache. Like it or not, most men understand that only lip service is paid to things being equal in family courts, and they want no part of that.

          I don’t see this getting better anytime soon. Things have only gotten worse. My gosh, just in my lifetime, we went from Genie having to cover her navel on TV, the Game of Thrones all but celebrating incest. I mean seriously, even when it was revealed that Danny was Jon’s blood aunt, most people still wanted to see them stay together. 3 times before that, 3 other pairs of brothers and sisters were seen together, in bed, or it was implied they would do so. Our society has lost it’s mind with regards to sex. Our boundaries are crumbling, and will continue to crumble. It won’t end well. How can it?

          All we can do, is try not to be part of the problem. Don’t be part of the group that is constantly pushing for the next boundary to fall.

          My opinion is that we have no chance to turn things around, because some don’t want it to be turned around, and the majority of the rest are in denial as to what the actual problem is. Even has posted things here that point out the problem, and the backlash those posts were quite vitriolic. People want to keep eating 5 whole cheesecakes per day, without getting fat. They refuse to even listen to anyone who suggests that cutting back on cheesecake is the answer to not getting fat. That’s literally what it’s like. Some prefer to blame the manufacturers of cheesecake, and some instead blame the fork. Very few place blame where it belongs…themselves.

  4. 424
    Sandi H

    Acknowledging another woman is cute, hot, sexy, or desireable is one thing.   When a man ogles her intensely long enough that she notices, see’s he is with someone, but is still ogling her in a way that says something else, which then encourages her to return the nonverbal cue in kInd…then there’s a problem.

    I’ve experienced this with someone who pursued me hotly and was intent on marriage. When I brought up to him the over-the-top ogling, he appeared entirely unaware of It…..even though other   nearby patrons in the establishment were keenly aware of it and were shaking their heads at this assholish behavior.    He said to me, “I look, I may even say something, but I dont touch. I’m.loyal.   You can look at guys, I won’t mind.”

    Uh huh.   I have the decency to acknowledge hotness without sending explicit nonverbal invitations.

    And still….”let’s get married”?

    Uh, no thank you.

     

    1. 424.1
      Trish

      @ Sandi H

      I totally agree that when you are being ogled at you know and you’ll   give nonverbal cues which can be;

      1. Nice of you to notice but it’s uncomfortable to stared at in a sexual way and I am already aware of my being attractive.

      2. Why do you do this in front of your partner because it’s disrespectful to both her and me.

      3. Could we take this further?

      The permission you were given to look at guys was given to me but nobody needs permission it’s plain disrespectful. If anything, I’d notice how a man or woman is dressed. There’s no better compliment than another woman complimenting you on your dress sense. I am the ‘go to’ person for all my male and female friends on what they should wear. I will regularly compliment another woman on her hair, dress or shoes because we ladies should support each other. It’s visual but not sexual and there’s a line between the two.

      I am glad that you didn’t marry that man because it really doesn’t get better. The old saying ‘if someone tells you who they are, believe them’ is so very true. You can’t change anyone but yourself plus change the partner who doesn’t respect you for someone who does.

  5. 425
    Jan

    I think this is all rather bad  advice to an extent. Please take into consideration that many men feel entitled to look at women because men and women and all of us are encouraged from birth to see females as objects and not people. Or at least objects first and THEN maybe people. The thrill comes from a rush of  feeling power over the object (woman) being viewed.

    Men, being the primary procurers of objects in society, often unconsciously or consciously feel entitled to all objects. This point of view is encouraged deeply and my belief is that it is extremely misguided. The media and marketing funnel feeds it to us, and it is dually reinforced by religion. Especially (sorry to say) by the Arabic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, Muslim). I was raised believing women’s primary role was to be subordinate to the male leader in the family. It has taken years to undo the damage, and I am not quite done.

    This all being said, good luck challenging a man’s sense of entitlement  on that count. They typically get very defensive when it is brought up (understandably), so if you want to do so please use a gentle tone for your own sake.

    Nevertheless, what’s wrong with sexual attraction? What’s wrong with sex? The only reason I think we as women don’t typically get a vicarious thrill out of seeing a sexy man is that we have been taught to primarily value men as human beings beyond their mere appearance.

    I am proud to say that I now get a rush when I see a sexy guy. It’s extremely empowering for me to allow myself to fully experience my sexuality wherever it leads. I share my fantasies with my partner and it brings us closer.

    The reason I say that this article is bad advice “to an extent” is that the truth probably is that none of us is completely lovable. We all fall short in one way or another.  Dostoevsky  said to close our eyes and be good to each other, and I think that is sometimes the best advice of all.

    1. 425.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Curious, Jan, what exactly was the “bad advice” you alluded to? It was mostly just one long observation about why men look at women.

    2. 425.2
      Jeremy

      This argument is, IMHO, very deeply misguided.   The notion that men feel entitled to all objects, consciously or subconsciously?   So if I see someone else’s car, I feel entitled to it on some level?   If I see a beautiful house I feel entitled to it as a man?   And I feel more entitled to it than a woman who sees the same thing?   What sort of men have you encountered that has led you to believe this?

       

      There are men who see women primarily as objects and secondarily as people….or better to say that some men view women primarily for their sexual utility.   Just as some women view men primarily for their economic utility.   Tell me, if a man sees a woman and lusts after her while she sees him non-sexually, whose perspective is more dehumanizing?   Is it that the man can ONLY see a woman for her sexuality and not her humanity?   Or is it that the woman can only see a man for his non-sexual friendship and not his sexuality?   Could it be that, in some cases, it is the man’s view that encompasses more of the whole of a human being, just as in other cases it is the woman’s perspective that does?   Perspective is important to avoid world-views like the one you expressed.   Having said that, I liked your last 2 paragraphs and wish you joy in your newfound sexual awakening.

  6. 426
    Private

    Men aren’t built that way. Society and the brainwashing of displaying half naked or naked women EVERYWHERE, portraying them as sexual OBJECTS is what makes men the way they are! Why don’t we see a naked man in practically every movie made that’s not PG13? You ALWAYS see women, though. It’s very sad and unGodly – bottom line! God did not build men to be adulterers, nor were they taught to be adulterers! This is nothing less or short of cheating! Like porn…you say or think it’s okay? You’re not doing anything wrong, right? WRONG!! If you were watching a woman have sex and were sitting right there (maybe w/your pants down, stroking) would that be wrong? It’s no different watching it on a screen!! The Bible says lusting is the same as being unfaithful!! Very disappointing that we have very few real men left in this entire world!

  7. 427
    Angry

    I just sent my bf this link he acted like an idiot for a few months when we first met, made stupid comments about women on tv and women he knew..stayed on a dating site for a couple months.. (I found out and lost it) my self worth plummeted. To me I am clearly not what he wants. I pretty much hate him. Hate life..wow..lobe for men is I love you but I’m aroused by every other woman I See? Wow how special.

    He is generally a good guy (I sent him the link)

    Fast forward: it’s almost 9 months he stopped this behaviour about 4 months in.

    The problem is I now know he is thinking this stuff – I don’t want him around or talking to any women. I don’t want to watch tv or movies, or go do anything that gives him a chance to check out other women. Now I just don’t even want sex, clearly he wants sex with everyone else anyway. I mean I’m not going to enjoy any social outings since an attractive woman will always be there and he’ll be wanting her not me…why bother.

    I think men are all perverted disrespectful assholes who don’t deserve love. You guys want to get aroused at a box in your living room? Go cuddle with that pigs!!!

  8. 428
    pissed off

    I disagree with the Author. First off, regardless whether a man ” likes variety” or not, this does not give him the green light to Ogle over other women and fantasize about other women when he is in a relationship!

    Anyone with half a brain would know is very hurtful to the woman when her boyfriend who she is faithful to and respectful to , is ogling and getting off ( this high you speak of) to other women looking at porn looking at other women especially when it is done behind her back. It is not right to lust after other women when you have one at home,   it does not matter if you haven’t physically been with another woman.   it is still a betrayal to your woman. Your head is with another woman your head is not with the woman you love supposedly it is not okay it is hurtful to her it is demeaning to her it is very very disrespectful to her and regardless of how much “variety” men like it does not give them the right to do this to the one they love. Men   I for one will not tolerate my guy doing such Behavior I will break up with him and more women should do that& stop giving Men every excuse in the world to act like jerks! They need to have some self-control therefore, a “good guy” does not give in to their sexual desires for his own pleasure stare at other women while hurting his own!   your behavior may be harmless to you of course because you are the one getting the benefit from it but your woman is not and I guarantee you,   your woman is feeling betrayed your woman is feeling not good enough your woman self-esteem is getting lowered because of your foolish actions it is not fair you need to practice self control it is a betrayal for a man to do this how would a man like it if a woman was getting off to other men and secretly fantasizing about them in their head while he is sitting across from her think about it for one second guys think about it.   Stop being so disrespectful to your women and grow up. Use self control.

     

    it is not okay I like cake I like ice cream it is not okay I like cake I like ice cream it does not mean I can eat it everyday all day because I like it I need to have some self-control men need to practice self control and have some respect for women a man that washes porn behind a woman’s back or guess off to other women or stares at other women is not a good guy sorry a good guy practices self control.

     

    1. 428.1
      Theodora

      If my boyfriend ever told me and lectured me about what kind of fantasies I should have or not or how much and what kind of porn I should watch or not or whom I should find attractive or not I would consider him a control freak, borderline insane and dangerous, and I would dump him on the spot.

      I would advise any woman or man who deals with a control freak of such magnitude that she/he wants to control their fantasies and intimate thoughts to do the same and dump the crazy, otherwise a life of misery awaits you.

      1. 428.1.1
        Katie

        @Theodora +1

      2. 428.1.2
        Fuckyou

        It sounds like you’re not very fulfilled sexually with whoever it is your with. Either that or your single. Because if I had to fantasize about other men if I even THOUGHT about fantasizing about other men and actually got off doing so?

        I’d have to find a more sexually compatible boyfriend.

        Also your comment has nothing to do with me or my comment.

        I’ve never controlled or attempted to control anyone’s thoughts or behaviors.

        I just simply don’t date men who watch porn. Period. To each his own. I’m not willing to be intimate with a man who has desires for other women and to the point he’s having sex with himself, his hand behind closed doors only to then have no interest in sex with me cuz he got off already. Or to be some dudes masturbation tool while he fuvks someone else in his mind. I’ll pass. None of this has anything to do with controlling anyone. My boyfriend can watch all the porn he wants. He just needs to let me know, be open and honest with me that that’s what he wants to do. This way I can be aware of his intentions and make the decision whether I want to be with him or not. Fair enough. Nothing to do with controlling anyone or anything other than myself.

         

         

        1. Theodora

          Speaking about fantasies, you surely live in Fantasy Land. I can bet everything I possess that all the men in your life, supposing they have normal levels of testosterone and a normal sex drive, watch porn, fantasize and lust after other women and have their inner erotic life where you don’t have access to.

          I know because the same happens to me as a woman, though probably less frequently and intensely than the average man. Even in my most passionate and idealistic state of infatuation I still had fantasies about an actor, a musician or a man in real life and I was still turned on by certain erotic/pornigraphic images, occasionally.

          I like it the way it is – a secret corner of my being that belongs to me only. My fantasies are there along with thoughts and experiences that I don’t want to share with anybody. I would give hell to any person who tries to make me feel guilty about them.

          It is disrespectful to put down and humiliate your partner comparing him/her negatively to other people, but having fantasies and an inner life is just being a normal human being.

        2. Alicia

          Seriously I agree with you 100%

  9. 429
    Alicia

    I say we should give up and just become a sugar baby and take their money. Like seriously they can go look at other women all they want atleast I’ll Ben one of them and not the “main hopeless girl”

    1. 429.1
      santa

      Alicia, I agree hon. I think girls should date/marry a man with money, get what she wants from him resource wise and on the side fuck hot alpha males with big working dicks and good bodies.

  10. 430
    Phuckyoo

    Evan, You need to STOP Making excuses for guys who are too self-centered and have no respect for the woman they are with.

    NEWSFLASH! Men are not the only gender who appreciate the physical attributes of the opposite sex…yes, GASP! Women happen to “get something out of” seeing a great looking man. But you don’t see article after article after Google search after complaint of women gawking at other men when they’re with their boyfriends! It’s rude, disrespectful and downright asinine to do so! Therefore, we refrain. Most of us humans were BORN with the ability to learn self control, hence we practice it.

    The blog title “what men get out of….”

    Does it really matter? If that is the only concern for you or for men what they’re “getting out” of something therefore making whatever it is ok. That’s the mentality you are trying to push on society with your narcissistic view on this asinine, piggish behavior!

    Women DON’T CARE what their boyfriend or husband is “getting out of it” because for whatever excuse you’re going to make it effects another person, the woman. You’re pushing the attitude that it’s ok to hurt your s.o. because you’re getting something out of it.

    You are the problem with society today!

    Your mentality is narcissistic and disrespectful! Women are not objects put here for men’s viewing pleasure. Women are people, humans, brains, minds, just like men so stop pushing this mentality on our children, it’s wrong.

    1. 430.1
      Tyrone

      @Phuckyoo

      Refrain? Don’t act like you’ve never checked out another man  at any point in your life while you were involved with a  SO. Women check out other men all the time. Men, for the most part,   just don’t write about it in magazines because they know other men won’t buy magazines about such topics, or care enough to read their blog posts, or act overly offended if we catch you doing it.

      1. 430.1.1
        Emily, the original

        Tyrone,  

        Don’t act like you’ve never checked out another man  at any point in your life while you were involved with a  SO.  

        Of course women check out other men. We just aren’t as obvious as men are. We don’t do things like crane our necks and completely turn around to stare. I can cruise someone all day and he’d never know it.

  11. 431
    Lana

    I understand that everyone like to look at nice things and man are more visual creatures. But i do think its very insulting when you have a girlfriend standing beside you but you are looking at other woman (to the point it looks like he’s undressing them) but yet the man says he loves you. It looks as if if she flirts with him and you are not there, he would be so ready to take her home.

    How can he love me when he cannot even be visually loyal if you know what i mean. If he needs to check out girls in that manner, it could also mean that one day he might get bored looking at me. And you can imagine how proud the girl must feel thinking that she must be something for a married man/bf to check her out while his girl is beside. I usually feel sorry for this girls because their spouse is being so disrespectful.

    I have nothing against looking but seriously do it in a more respectful way. I like looking at hot guys too but my eyes don’t follow them wherever they walk or im undressing them and sleeping with them in my mind. Seriously how do you deal with man like this even after talking still does the same. Of course it’s not so easy to just leave the relationship everytime this happens because chances are IT HAPPENS ALOT and it is also not easy to be okay with it yourself.

    I said to my boyfriend, I wish that I was enough for you and it sort off broke my heart   when I said that.

    1. 431.1
      Trish

      Lana, I absolutely agree with you about the disrespect that some men show to their partner and to the other woman. It’s not a quick glance either and those men who believe that are fooling themselves because to actually imagine having sex with the woman, takes slightly longer than a glance. Don’t guys get the fact that if your partner is attractive, she has been checked out and knows it and is maybe grossed out about it? What woman wants to be with a man who is coming across as a pervert? The fact is that it’s the least attractive males who seem to have made a career out of this behaviour. They may have been studs in their youth but time catches up with everyone and I’ve known younger women to laugh at the pot bellied, greying man for even looking their way. Would I stare at my son’s friends or think of them sexually? No, not even when a few said I was a MILF because that’s a line I’d never want to contemplate crossing.

      The other point is that some attractive young women will take the guy up on his offer if he’s older and has money. They’ll be gone when they’ve got what they wanted but the woman who actually loved him would have stayed and built something with him.

  12. 432
    Judy

    I can accept all of these ideas. I don’t like it though. It feels very disrespectful. I have actually told my husband that if he wants to look, that I’m ok with it as long as he’s ok with me looking. He doesn’t like that idea. So he can but I can’t. I hate a double standard.

  13. 433
    Diana

    This is not what the Bible says.

  14. 434
    santa

    “It is disrespectful to put down and humiliate your partner comparing him/her negatively to other people, but having fantasies and an inner life is just being a normal human being.”

    preach Theodora! People have NO clue, no clue whatsoever what another person’s inner life and fantasies are. Some have very illegal and sick inner worlds..but nothing is wrong with that at all as long as it stays in their head. I’m sure one of the illegal things is very popular because of how taboo and forbidden it is and you’d never know and each person has at least one family member who indulges in it. Humans beings in general are sick, depraved and honey creatures. It is what it is. It’s like crying and being mad that they sky is blue and trying to change the color of it.

  15. 435
    chris

    Evan, you’re wrong about women not desiring a variety of sexual partners. Many women do the same as men. As far as ogling goes, many women tend to have more cooth and more respect for our partners than some men do and we choose not to ogle blatantly.

  16. 436
    pornstwisted

    PORN IS NOT OK. NOR IS IT NORMSL. IYS INCREDIBLY HARMFUL & IT KILLS LOVE.

    Pornography hurts adults, children, couples, families, and society.

     

    Pornography, as a visual (mis)representation of sexuality, distorts an individual’s concept of sexual relations by objectifying them, which, in turn, alters both sexual attitudes and behavior. It is a major threat to marriage, to family, to children, and to individual happiness.

     

    Social scientists, clinical psychologists, and biologists have begun to clarify some of the social and psychological effects of pornography, and neurologists are beginning to delineate the biological mechanisms through which pornography produces its powerful effects on people.

     

    Pornography’s power to undermine individual and social functioning is powerful and deep.

     

    Effect on the Mind: Pornography significantly distorts attitudes and perceptions about the nature of sexual intercourse. Men who habitually look at pornography have a higher tolerance for abnormal sexual behaviors, sexual aggression, promiscuity, and even rape. In addition, men begin to view women and even children as “sex objects,” commodities or instruments for their pleasure, not as persons with their own inherent dignity.

     

    Effect on the Body: Pornography is very addictive. The addictive aspect of pornography has a biological substrate, with dopamine hormone release acting as one of the mechanisms for forming the transmission pathway to pleasure centers of the brain. Also, the increased sexual permissiveness engendered by pornography increases the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease or of being an unwitting parent in an out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

     

    Effect on the Heart: Pornography affects people’s emotional lives. Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their marital sexual relations and less emotionally attached to their wives. Women married to men with a pornography addiction report feelings of betrayal, mistrust, and anger. Pornographic use may lead to infidelity and even divorce. Adolescents who view pornography feel shame, diminished self-confidence, and sexual uncertainty.

     

    Introduction

     

    The conjugal act–the act of sexual intercourse–brings humanity into existence and sets in motion the next generations of society. Sexual intercourse, like atomic energy, is a powerful agent for good if channeled well, but for ill if not. Healthy societies maintain their stability by channeling the sexual energies of young adults into marriage, an institution that legitimizes sexual intercourse, protects the children that are the fruit of intercourse, and channels the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure in a way that builds up rather than tears down society. Sexual taboos are one set of the normal mechanisms of social control of the sexual appetite. They are analogous to the control rods of a nuclear reactor plant: they block the sexual from straying off course and into destructive pathways.

     

    One of the biggest tasks of adolescent members of all society is to come to grips with their burgeoning sexuality. Some have always tested the limits of sexual expression even when strong social controls were in place. In well-ordered societies, such testing triggers immediate social sanctions from parents, mentors, and community.

     

    In today’s media-saturated society, these sanctions operate in fewer and fewer quarters. A substantial factor in this shift has been the growth of digital media and the Internet. This “digital revolution” has led to great strides in productivity, communication, and other desirable ends, but pornographers also have harnessed its power for their profit. The cost has been a further weakening of the nation’s citizens and families, a development that should be of grave concern to all. The social sciences demonstrate the appropriateness of this concern.

     

    Two recent reports, one by the American Psychological Association on hyper-sexualized girls, and the other by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy on the pornographic content of phone texting among teenagers, make clear that the digital revolution is being used by younger and younger children to dismantle the barriers that channel sexuality into family life.[1]

     

    Pornography hurts adults, children, couples, families, and society. Among adolescents, pornography hinders the development of a healthy sexuality, and among adults, it distorts sexual attitudes and social realities. In families, pornography use leads to marital dissatisfaction, infidelity, separation, and divorce. Society at large is not immune to the effect of pornography. Child sex-offenders, for example, are often involved not only in the viewing, but also in the distribution, of pornography.

     

    Pornography is powerful enough even to overwhelm individuals, couples, and families despite earlier affectionate relationships–whether between the mother and father or between the parents and the child. But loving family relationships can help mute many of the factors that encourage the use of pornography long before its addictive power takes root in a user’s life.

     

    The effect of regular viewing of pornography on marriage and family is dealt with first, for there its greatest damage to the innocent can be seen. Then the source of this damage is reviewed: the effects on the individual user, his psyche, and his behavior. Adolescent usage, patterns, and effects are then delineated, for during this period the habit of viewing pornography is often developed in stages. Finally the effects of sexually-oriented-businesses on their local environs are reviewed.

  17. 437
    Heather

    Hmmm, we know now  that the above advice is not accurate, at least I hope you know! Studies have been done on the male brain and those findings state that No, men’s brains are NOT hard wired to the whole procreate thing that was once the standard answer to why men look, cheat etc.. It is a xhouce that they make and by telling themselves and the woman who chooses to be with him that he can’t help it is just a way to make it seem okay. It is not, everyone of us has control in our process of thinking, it is evolution after all, knuckle draggers will always be that, because they want their actions to be okay so that’s what they run to, the whole I can’t help it thing. Men will back each other up on it because if they say it’s wrong than they are met with jabs from other men and isn’t it easier for them to agree than be the outcast. A good example to use would be, we all would like to be rich, we have a drive for money, but the vast majority of us aren’t sitting outside banks, checking out how to rob it, wether we would act on it or not. Our logical thinking knows better. So, in short, because I could go on and on to debate this, EVERY human, male or female has complete control over what they allow their brain to entertain. If you choose to be a yard shi*ter, than bow wow.

  18. 438
    James

    Many women have commented that the reason they don’t openly ogle attractive members of the opposite sex is because, unlike men, they “have respect for their partner” or “have self-control” or are “being couth” or “taking the high road”.

    That all sounds very noble and upstanding, but there might be a little more to it than that.

    I think women don’t like to flatter men over their physical appearance because they believe this particular type of flattery should only flow in one direction. Women immensely enjoy getting this type of attention (provided it is not abusive) and would rather keep this very satisfying gift all for themselves and not share it with men – as if it should remain an exclusive birthright of women alone to receive such validation. Women know all too well how exhilarating it feels to be conspicuously admired by the opposite sex, but they choose to deny men this same experience because they don’t like to boost men’s egos, and/or because they are afraid of appearing desperate or overeager by giving men this kind of positive attention. I think most women would refuse to give men this type of validation unless they are in a committed relationship where they are absolutely certain that the flattery and advances will be returned in equal or greater measures, and even then they might be reluctant to do so.

    Also, if you ogle someone who is not returning your gaze it effectively puts you in the role of pursuer/initiator, and women hate being in that role because then they can be rejected. If you blatantly ogle someone and they act like you don’t exist it can leave you feeling rather spurned. It may only be a “soft” rejection but it is still a rejection nonetheless and a woman would rather not risk experiencing that type of snub. It’s safer for her to be very subtle and discreet when checking him out so she doesn’t end up feeling foolish.

    In short, women’s reluctance to openly admire the opposite sex could have more to do with their own insecurities and pride, and less to do with them having a superior moral code of conduct to men, so they might want to get off their high horse on this issue.

  19. 439
    Trish

    I am joining this conversation really late so I hope it’s still going. My boyfriend of six months, told me that if he had to choose between penetrating me or kissing me passionately, he’d choose kissing. I thought that this was sweet until…he said that sex is just sex and that he looks at women every day, even when we are out together, mentally undresses them and imagines what it would be like to f**k them, his words, not mine. He said that he’d never act on it because he’d been cheated on and knows how that feels.

    I am an attractive woman who is confident and outgoing. I can notice when a guy is checking me out and if he’s with another woman, I think he’s rude and being inappropriate to the woman by his side. I have been chatted up by lots of men but because I believe that fidelity and trust are so important, I wouldn’t dream of taking them up on their offers.

    I said that whilst looking at a beautiful woman or man is natural, mentally undressing them, imagining having sex with them is going too far. He says that it’s who he is and can’t/won’t change and that ‘it’s as natural as breathing’. I must be suffocating then because I have never looked that way at another man in the whole time we’ve been together. I am absolutely shocked, angry, sad and my trust is broken. Does he deserve a medal for telling me, being upfront and honest? No, in my opinion but I’m glad that I know this now rather than later because I deserve to be treated better and he needs to grow up but he’s 66 so don’t hold your breath. I am leaving now because I suddenly realised that my self-esteem was being lowered by other things he’s said and I didn’t know it. Life is really too short to be with someone who isn’t right for you. He’s perfectly entitled to his opinions but not with me by his side.

    1. 439.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @Trish

      I am sorry to inform you, but your boyfriend merely voiced what most men do when they see an attractive women.     That is the way the male mind works, and it is as natural as breathing.   I always mention that if a man is not mentally undressing a woman on the first date, there probably will not be a second date.     It is one of those primal behaviors that will take a very long time to breed out of men because it is a breeding fitness test.   It is no different than a woman noticing a man’s height or status.   Men do not stop running that test because they have a woman.     We are talking about instinctive behavior that lies in the same part of the brain as the autonomic nervous system.   Rational thought can override it, but it cannot shut it down.

      1. 439.1.1
        Trish

        @ Yet another guy

        Let me understand this; it’s a primal behaviour and instinctive.

        So when I am with him and he’s mentally undressing a woman, imagining what sex would be like, I can shrug my shoulders and go on with the shopping? As someone who does get stared at or ‘appraised’ by other men, I know that they’re doing it because it takes longer than a glance to do it. It makes me feel horrible when I see his partner beside him and quite frankly, it’s disrespectful to her and me.

        The question I ask myself is; do I want to stand beside a man who does this? Most women know when they’re being given that ‘look’ and they might smile as I see them do but for god’s sake have some respect for your partner, the other woman you’re objectifying and for yourself. My son is very handsome, gets a lot of female attention but he respects his partner and doesn’t stare at other women because it does take longer than just a glance to fantasise about having sex with someone and that’s my point, the guy presents as a pervert.

        I can glance at an attractive man but to imagine having sex with him is a big NO. I honestly wouldn’t treat anyone as an object but that’s me. I expect the same in return and I have male friends who really do only have eyes for the living, breathing woman that they love.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          @Trish

          I can glance at an attractive man but to imagine having sex with him is a big NO.

          That is due to a difference in basic primal needs.   Women and men couple for very different reasons.   Most women have to qualify a man before getting physical.   That is nature’s way of protecting a woman’s offspring.   Most men do not qualify women before the desire to get physical kicks in.   Nothing about you matters to a man at first except for his desire to have sex with you, and what drives that desire is purely visual.    It is something that you have to accept or start dating women.   However, any man with a healthy testosterone level is going to mentally undress attractive women.   The difference between your guy and other guys is that he was foolish enough to tell you.   With most guys, that information falls under “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

          Also, your guy was right about the difference between kissing and sexual intercourse.     A man can have sex with a woman without kissing her because sex is just sex.   Sex and love are divorced in men.   However, kissing a woman passionately is an entirely different act.   That act signals desire for her at a much higher level.   Sex is ridiculously easy to obtain today.   It is rapidly becoming as cheap for desirable men as it is for women.   Finding a woman with whom a man truly desires to bond is an entirely different story, so cut the guy some slack.   If your guy wanted to be with another woman, he would be with another woman.

          By the way, I can assure you that your son does it too.   He just does not tell you about it.

           

           

    2. 439.2
      Emily, the original

      Trish,

      he said that sex is just sex and that he looks at women every day, even when we are out together, mentally undresses them and imagines what it would be like to f**k them, his words, not mine.  

      I think the bigger issue is that he was clueless enough and inconsiderate enough to tell you this. Is he the type who thinks he needs to share every thought in his head with you, all with the excuse that he’s “being honest”? It’s one thing to tell you he finds other women attractive. I’m assuming you knew that already. It’s another to go into the detail he did here. You’re not his buddy. He should tell this kind of things to his bros. If he doesn’t have any, he needs to get some.

  20. 440
    Trish

    Emily,

    I knew he finds women attractive and I don’t have a problem with that but he said that he thought I’d be pleased that although he thinks this way, he is emotionally connected to me and would never cheat because his ex wife cheated on him and he knows how hurtful that was.

    He knows that my ex husband cheated on me but his rationale was more about him than how I’d react to him ‘being honest’. When I told him how uncomfortable I now felt, he said that I could accept his honesty or leave him. My gut feeling is that he’s going to cheat someday and he’ll tell me that it’s just sex. He doesn’t have friends because he doesn’t invest enough of himself to have them yet is amazed that I have many friends both male and female. Interestingly, my male friends are very protective of me and they told me to walk away if this ‘honesty’ makes me uncomfortable, which it does. They aren’t angels but tell me that I and every other woman deserves better than a man who stares at woman in supermarkets or wherever he goes. He thinks he looks but doesn’t stare but believe me I’ve been the recipient of those looks and they aren’t subtle.

    1. 440.1
      sylvana

      Trish,

      simple fix. Start doing the same, and telling him the same. See how quickly he starts complaining. Men do NOT like being put in the same situation. (Evan is one of the few exceptions who doesn’t care).

      Set boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable to you, personally. If it makes you uncomfortable or even feel bad, then let him go. Life is too short. It’s not worth it. Relationships are nice. But feeling emotional discomfort, insecurity, or even pain is much worse than being alone.

       

      1. 440.1.1
        Trish

        @ sylvana

        Thank you for your reply and for your honesty. I haven’t felt so uncomfortable, insecure or bad for such a long time. He believes that it’s his ‘right’ to do this even in front of me but it’s a real turn off for me. He says he wouldn’t care if I did it because it’s normal. I have been the recipient of looks/stares from other men and it’s uncomfortable because it’s sleazy in the way it’s done. I wish men would understand that and control themselves. Look but don’t stare. Yes, being alone is better than feeling this way.

        1. sylvana

          Trish,

          of course it’s a turn-off for any woman who’s not into swinging or open relationships (and it even would be for some of those).

          Honey, find yourself a respectful man. You deserve better. There are plenty of them out there.

          And I can pretty much guarantee that the reason he tells you he wouldn’t care if you did the same is because he doesn’t expect you to actually act that way. Women, in general, won’t.

          I used to be one of the few women who acted just like men. Until it was pointed out to me (repeatedly) by men just how hurtful that behavior is to them. So I changed it.

          You said his ex-wife cheated on him and he knows how much it hurts. Put him in a position where he truly starts feeling like he no longer holds a secure sexual position in your relationship, and he’ll start changing his tune real quick like.

          Either that, or he’s simply no ready to be as committed again, since he did get hurt last time. Meaning an open or more casual relationship would suit him better at this point.

          Either way, if it hurts you or makes you feel bad, don’t try to change that person’s behavior. You can point it out once, and the rest is up to him. And also do not try to dismiss or change the way you feel.

          Rather find a partner who will not make you feel that way. Too many good men out there to worry about the ones who will not show any consideration for your feelings at all. Or, worse yet, try to turn it around to make it sound as if your feelings are unwarranted.

    2. 440.2
      Emily, the original

      Trish,

      he said that I could accept his honesty or leave him.

      Wow. That’s manipulative. That’s saying that he can tell you anything, and if you don’t want to hear it, it’s because you can’t handle his honesty. See how he turned that around on you?

      Interestingly, my male friends are very protective of me and they told me to walk away if this ‘honesty’ makes me uncomfortable, which it does. They aren’t angels but tell me that I and every other woman deserves better than a man who stares at woman in supermarkets or wherever he goes.  

      Yeah, I agree with them, and I’m glad you have good guys around you to show you that not all men act like that. I’m doing this new thing in my life where I don’t hang around people (and this includes family) who make me feel bad about myself. Do you feel good around this guy?

      1. 440.2.1
        Trish

        @ Emily, the original

        Emily,

        I did feel comfortable around him because I think I am seriously naive and although I know that men stare, he told me that he was ‘punching above his weight’ with me and was proud to be with me. That should have been a red flag right there but in general I felt cared for. Interestingly, he’s of Italian heritage and he thinks that all women are to be admired and desired. My youngest son has been brought up in a female dominated household, understands and respects women. He has lots of female friends but is devoted to his girlfriend and he told me that of course he’d look at an attractive woman but not think of automatically f**king her. He’s a handsome lad and women have given him their phone numbers on public transport which he finds funny but wouldn’t dream of dating a woman who’d do this. So is it nurture over nature, I wonder?

        Now I feel that I would be watching his every move and that’s not someone I want to be. If I look at a man it’s more to do with how he dresses than undresses. Then it goes to intellect and sense of humour to be attractive. Am I the only one who thinks this way?

        We all have private fantasies but they remain in the Secret Garden where they belong. I honestly believe that when you objectify another human, they become disposable and having a mindset of staring, undressing and f**king every attractive person you see, is counterintuitive because every woman/man because they are objects to you. It’s like an addiction in a way and I realise that many men will take offence at that.

        Many beautiful looking people end up with average looking partners but they have seen that beauty is only surface deep and it’s more than a physical attraction. This guy isn’t at all attractive but I honestly thought he was old enough to know that if you’re in your 60’s and alone then you’ve either lost your partner to death or another person. The latter applies to him and the women in his life always left him. Now I understand why and yes he is being manipulative with me because there’s no room for open discussion which is very sad.

         

         

         

        1. Emily, the original

          Trish,
          I did feel comfortable around him because I think I am seriously naive and although I know that men stare, he told me that he was ‘punching above his weight’ with me and was proud to be with me.
          He probably meant that, but men and women are very different in the way they view attractiveness. Men find a large number of women attractive; women find a small number of men attractive. So you might look at a man and think, Wow, that guy’s hot. But how often does that happen? I think it happens a lot more for men, thus a lot more staring and gawking. Obviously, it’d be nice if they did it subtly, particularly if they are out with their partner.
          Now I feel that I would be watching his every move and that’s not someone I want to be. If I look at a man it’s more to do with how he dresses than undresses. Then it goes to intellect and sense of humour to be attractive. Am I the only one who thinks this way?
          Well, there are men who I meet who automatically make me think of sex, but it’s rare. What you’re describing is getting to know a person and appreciating who they are. But that can be separate from physical attraction, though of course ideally it’s not.
          We all have private fantasies but they remain in the Secret Garden where they belong.  
          Could not agree more. You think my sister’s hot? I do NOT need to know that.

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