I Think I Just Met My Soulmate. How Can I Know If It’s Real?


First let me say, I am in no way shape or form a “creeper” or some sort of “sick-o”, and I have no desire to be with a woman that’s 30 years younger than me. I was married for 20 years then our marriage ended quite suddenly. I am very content being single and I’m not or at least thought I wasn’t, looking for another. My kids keep my life full enough.

With that said, I have to ask you about something that happened last night at a campfire with some friends and family. I happened to be sitting by a 19-year old girl (I’m pushing 50) that I know through family and friends. We’ve always been able to talk like a dad would to a daughter, just about this and that, or anything that might come up.

We were looking at each other while discussing the way the sparks were floating up in the air, when suddenly something happened that has never happened to me with any woman in my life. The same thing happened to her, at the same time. I was looking into her eyes talking, when, and this is going to sound really stupid, the rest of the activities and people around us…like…disappeared. There were no other noises but me talking. Ok, this is really going to sound like I’ve lost my mind because I don’t quite know how to explain it…then…it was like I was “in her mind” or somehow “connected” to her. Her eyes got big, as did mine, and I was so freaked out that I quickly turned my head and looked at the fire.

Here is how the conversation then went…she spoke first:

Her: Wow !!!! What was that?

Me: I have no idea

Her: My God, that was weird. Ha ha… We just had a “moment”. Ha ha…

Me: I know, I felt it too, that’s why I turned away…it like freaked me out. So you felt that too?

Her: Yeah, it’s like…I just looked into your soul.

Then we both got up and joined the rest of the party.

Evan, what the hell happened there?? It kept me up all last night, woke me this morning…it was so heavy on my mind. I was married for 20 years and had other serious relationships prior to that and I NEVER felt anything like that with any of them. Is that supposed to happen before you get married? Is it common? Maybe that’s why my marriage failed. LOL.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m asking here. I have no desires to be with this girl…that’s what she is, a girl. But now I’m wondering…have I missed out on something all my life? Does this happen to other people? Is the term “Soul Mate” real? Is it possible to find someone to connect with like that (who’s not 30 years younger)? If so, I’d put myself back into the market and search the ends of the earth to have a feeling like that again. Even though it only lasted about 3-4 seconds, it was the most…I can’t even name the feeling…”fulfilling”??? feeling I’ve ever experienced.

Any insight from you on what happened last night would be most welcome.


What’s with these May-December romances? That’s 3 letters in a row!

I appreciate your mostly self-aware email, Brian, because it illustrates that the deception of passion knows no boundaries. Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.

Chemistry is a real thing. Except instead of viewing it as a “feeling, I’d encourage you to view it as a junior high school science class. It’s literally CHEMISTRY. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, pheromones — all of these chemicals course through your brain when you have a moment like you had. It’s the same chemicals that stimulate the pleasure centers in your brain that get activated when you do drugs. I’m no drug expert, but meth, cocaine, ecstasy… the reason these are pleasurable is because of the surplus of these hormones staying in your synapses for longer. Yes, drugs are an artificial high, but what a high!

Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.

For some reason — probably because it’s natural — we don’t think of the physical/chemical part of things when it comes to chemistry. We just get caught up in the drama and fantasy of what that feeling meant. Instead of the accurate, but disappointing, view that it meant that your brain was flooded with hormones, you came to the conclusion that this MOMENT you experienced was emblematic of something more.

Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life?

Sorry to say, but probably not. That doesn’t diminish that wonderful feeling of connectedness you had, but whatever meaning this moment had for you is not in any way a reflection of anything deeper.

It was just a magic moment.

If you want to experience it again, here’s all you have to do:

Find a willing partner and stare into his/her eyes for two minutes straight, without laughing.

Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life? Sorry to say, but probably not.

Doesn’t matter who it is, you will have some form of that feeling again — a deep intimacy that you never experience with strangers simply because you don’t allow yourself to.

I know it sounds crazy, but you can actually INDUCE those feelings and chemicals by being real, authentic, vulnerable and connected — to ANYONE who is willing to play along.

Try it. You’ll see. And maybe you won’t be so seduced by the meaning of such moments in the future.

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  1. 41

    Why are we so afraid of deeply connecting with someone in a spiritual way, that we have to analyze it to the core and slice and dice scientifically to understand it? Chemistry may be a bunch of hormones, yes, but it is also a sign that you are alive and open to life and the world. Brian, what happened to you with the 19 year old could probably only happen to you then because she, being as young as she is, was open to connecting with you, just as she may have been to connecting with anyone else, be it male or female. And it just so happened that in that same exact moment, perhaps because of your environment, you managed to relax so much that you were able to let her in. There are many people that have come across your life that have probably attempted to connect with you in the same way, but you weren’t in that space to do so. That night, you somehow were, and it happened. And that incredible feeling that you felt is called the beauty of being alive. I have felt it many times on my own, with nature, with animals, with music, and with other human beings. It’s a beautiful feeling, and yes, you want to hold on to it, but alas, it is fleeting. Like a shooting star, it comes and goes. Be happy that you experienced it, and let that motivate you to be more open in life so you can experience it with others — even your children. Our society is too afraid to feel that we over analyze and think to the point of killing our emotions and inundating our minds with anxiety that lead us to miss out on moments like these. Congratulations for opening up to life!

  2. 42

    I am 55 years old. Up until 3 years ago I didn’t understand the term ‘Soulmate’ and didn’t really believe in it.   Over the years I have had a fair number of ‘boyfriends’ by which to draw comparison. Then by chance, I met a man 11 years younger than I am – Both of us would not have considered such an age gap for a potential partner, especially with him the younger. I feel he is an older soul though, he is mature more at my level, a decade ahead.   We both recognise that we are soulmates and often use ‘Soulmate’ or ‘Love of my life’, or ‘Best Friend’ as terms of endearment. Why, what makes this different to the previous relationships I have had? Firstly we have no common interests whatsoever which seem to be the traditional thing people seek in a partner in order to have a connection, but we have a deep core connection in our personalities which are incredibly similar – the same in fact, it’s like looking at a mirror image of oneself, career choices, drive, values, attitudes, everything is remarkably the same. This leads to tremendous connection at interpersonal level, we understand each other, we both just ‘get’ each other. Our birthdays are 1 day apart. We have uncanny intertwining of other family member names and age gaps, ie two of my names are the same as two of his family members. Our daily working lives cross so often, finding ourselves unexpectedly on the same road at the same time, 20m apart, passing through airports almost at the same time with flights booked by other people for business travel (we don’t work in the same company), and more, these are just some examples. Our life paths seem so similar, the co-incidences sometimes can be overwhelming as it seems like our lives are destined to cross/intertwine repeatedly. And then there is incredible chemistry on a number of levels, intellectual, emotional, sexual. None of them abating in the almost 3 years we have been together. We chat for ages daily about a multitude of topics, and laugh a lot. We both experience an amazing calming, contentment and settling feeling when in each others company. We don’t have to try to make anything work, it’s just so easy. We love the same way. We share so much laughter all the time as our same wit connects. This for me is a soulmate. I think many successful marriages which last happily for a lifetime are soulmate connections. Unfortunately not many people meet a soulmate in their lifetime, this probably contributes to the high divorce rates and the many unhappy marriages in our society. Can there be more than one soulmate for a person? I don’t know, but to meet someone so like yourself more than once in a lifetime seems a little hard – forget more than once, just once is hard enough!

  3. 43

    She’s legal – don’t see what the big deal is. Chase chemistry and when it ends chase the next high. What’s the difference between that and settling down and having kids and then those kids realize on of their parents settled in a relationship and parents aren’t real all “there.”

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