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Who made your toes curl?
Who gave you butterflies?
Chemistry.
There’s no feeling like it.
Your eyes meet, your hands touch, and you’re suddenly consumed with a new partner.
You live for the present, you dream of a future, and your heart outraces your head.
All you know is that you wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world. If this is how strongly you can feel, why ever settle for anything less?
Then it happens.
You start to fight.
You learn he’s jealous, or controlling, or irresponsible, or unethical.
He starts to pull away.
You begin to walk on eggshells.
You don’t know where you stand.
When we talk about being “in love”, we’re often talking about a feeling, as opposed to the enduring bond experienced between two people for a long period of time.
You crave the pure feeling you had before, but you spend more time worrying than feeling peaceful about your relationship.
And then it ends.
He tells you he needs space.
He tells you he wants to see other people.
He tells you it’s not right.
Or, who knows, maybe he doesn’t tell you at all. Maybe he just fades away.
All you know is that you let him into your heart and fell in love.
Or did you?
I mean, yeah, you loved him — intensely, unconditionally, with all of your being.
And yeah, he said he loved you — and, for a time, you never felt more connected to another human being.
But does this really meet the test of true love?
Not by my standards. And probably not by yours.
Love doesn’t flee. Love isn’t jealous. Love doesn’t cheat. Love isn’t cruel. Love doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself, or insecure about your future.
Love endures.
When we talk about being “in love”, we’re often talking about a feeling, as opposed to the enduring bond experienced between two people for a long period of time.
If you’ve mistaken the passion of being “in love” for true love, you’re not alone. My entire dating coaching practice is designed to illustrate to you how you’ve naturally been making the same mistakes your entire life, and how to course-correct instantly.
Now you know from reading my material that I have a whole bunch of challenging thoughts on love, but this “Chemistry vs. Love” theory isn’t something I pulled out of thin air. Even Wikipedia backs this up:
“Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months.”
I’m guessing you’ve probably experienced this. The high passion that feels so good, but often comes to a crashing halt. You’ve probably also experienced this:
“Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain releases a certain set of chemicals…which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.”
Yep. This is when all the excitement and newness of a passionate relationship wears off.
When sex is no longer exciting. When you’re finding flaws with your partner.
When you struggle to remember how amazing it was in the first few months. Says Wikipedia:
“Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests.”
Ah. The third stage.
The third stage is the one that determines whether your passion actually turns into the love that lasts a lifetime. If you look back, you may be shocked to find that all of your lust and attraction has NOT resulted in stable, happy, long-term relationships.
Funny how that works.
The reason I’m sharing this with you is not to convince you that you’ve never truly been in love (although it’s possible).
What I’d like you to consider is that the EFFECTS of lust and attraction have been HURTING your chances of finding love.
What you’ll notice is that when you’re incredibly attracted to someone, all of your critical thinking powers immediately go out the window.
This is why you’ll put up with a man who only calls you once a week, a man who doesn’t call you his girlfriend after three months, a man who doesn’t propose after three years.
When you’re incredibly attracted to someone, all of your critical thinking powers immediately go out the window.
If you were thinking critically, you’d never put up with this, but you’re not. You’re under the biological effects of lust and attraction — hereby known as “chemistry”.
And all I’m pointing out is that while chemistry is an incredible feeling, it is in no way a solid predictor of your future. It’s literally just a feeling. A feeling that masks your partner’s worst traits and allows you to put up with them.
So instead of chasing chemistry at a cost to your own mental health, take a second to realize that if you feel that high feeling, you are likely ignoring something fundamental which will later break you up.
You don’t have to trust me. Just look back on the greatest chemistry you’ve ever felt and think about how those relationships ended. Ask yourself if you want to be in another relationship where you’re always fighting and you never feel secure in your future.
I’m guessing you don’t.
If you want to find love — a love that endures — you have to find a new way than the one you’ve been using for your whole life.
Start by distinguishing between chemistry and love, and you’re on your way. And if you need a helping hand, that’s what I’m here for.
Sometimes you can be the smartest woman in the world and still have blind spots.
my honest answer says
They are totally different things, Evan, I agree.
Chemistry doesn’t always result in love. In fact, more often than not, it doesn’t.
But, I was wondering, do you think you can have the love without the chemistry? Or is it important that all long-term relationships start with that ‘spark’?
Jessica says
The spark isn’t everything, but it is important! I am now married to someone whom I never felt the spark with and while things are good, I’ve always felt something was missing.
Roger says
So what Happen now? Did you guys manage to sort out the missing part? or was it never ment to be?
Jane says
I think you have to have the spark on the beginning to bond you to that person. I have just split with my partner of 5 years, there was never a spark and we had no chemistry. I knew from day 1 that we should have stayed friends and I was right.
Jojo says
Yes I believe that spark is so important to starting off a relationship or we would all marry our best mate of the opposite sex …boring I say
Leah says
I married a man where I didn’t quite hv the spark or attraction you’d expect to hv a lasting relationship, but I chose to marry him because he was a stable partner, and I knew he’d never leave me, he was my safe choice when I was sick of dating. well I am here to tell you, life is absolutely NOT WORTH IT without that spark!!!! Its been 20yrs and not a day goes by that I dont kick myself for doing this and building a life on a so-so feeling, because absolutely you CAN make it work, for a lifetime even. But do you want to live the rest of your life without that reach for the stars kinda [email protected]? I wish I had never married my husband. So please DO NOT underestimate the power of chemistry
Jordan says
that’s kind of irresponsible to marry someone only because they are a “safe choice” for what you’re looking for. Peoples emotions and time aren’t something for you to manipulate for where you are in your life. To be honest your husband probably deserves someone more. Reasons like this is exaclty why I’m soooooo skeptical or marriage or relationships in general. People so selfish and only have an agenda. Whatever happened to an actual connection with someone who could be your soul mate? SMH
Goldie says
Love love love this post.
@ #1, my mom has always told me that she hadn’t felt the spark with my dad. She just felt secure I guess. Over time, she says, she developed feelings for him. They’re still very happily together… 47 years 🙂
Interestingly enough, right before dad, she dated a younger, good-looking, popular guy where, I believe, there was intense chemistry. The guy wanted to marry her so much, he once sent his own mother over to talk some sense into my mom 🙂 but mom felt it wasn’t going to be a good marriage. I think she said she had a hunch that he was going to cheat. Eventually he married someone else, and guess what, he did cheat on that woman. Like, on a regular basis.
I remember hearing the hot guy’s voice on the radio growing up. He was a local radio personality, so, on any given day, you’d turn on your radio and hear his voice. From what I remember, both my parents found it hilarious.
I still haven’t learned, however, to like a guy if there’s no spark. And I need to. Every ounce of my personal experience shows that spark makes you ignore all the red flags. Sure, he treats me like crap, you think, but he is so cute and awesome, ahhhh, can’t wait to see him again. Then one day he goes too far, you snap, and he cannot understand why. You were okay with all his bad behavior previously, what has gotten into you now? And the answer is, the spark has left the building. Logically, I completely understand. Now, if I could learn not to let my feelings get in the way of my logic, I’ll be a happy woman.
Lara says
I can relate
Spiral says
True, the ideal pathway would be chemistry–love–attachment.
But too often chemistry bypasses love and attachment and turns into co-dependency, where two completely mismatched people stick together for the kids or for the mortgage or whatever, when they really should be cutting their losses and moving on. They yearn for that magical feeling that was there in the beginning and neglect to focus on the reality of right now, or to properly evaluate their future together based on consistent behavior. It’s far too easy to think: “But he/she used to…” That was the chemistry phase!
Raymond Bork says
The initial excitement of a new relationship certainly is the result of chemical reactions taking place in the brain. Yes it feels fantastic, but as Evan says it is only temporary, and when it subsides it can cause distress and confusion.
I would think most of us have been there, done that, and felt the pain. I only wish someone had spelt out the whole human relationship mystery to me, I might just have handled the multiple trauma’s I experienced a whole lot easier.
Ruby says
I think that some chemistry has to be present in order to make two people want to bond more closely. A relationship without chemistry and without any passion is really just a friendship. Some people meet and feel the high of instant chemistry (and may have no where to go but down), for some, it starts off slowly and builds. I do agree with EMK that chemistry by itself is no guarantee that two people are going to get along well, nor will it necessarily result in a happily-ever-after scenario. But some degree of chemistry has to be present for love to grow. To to answer my honest answer #1, generally speaking, I don’t think you can have long-term love without any spark.
Michael says
I really appreciated this post and agree completely.
There is a question on OkCupid! as to whether the person answering thinks “passion” or “dedication” in a more important in a relationship. I had no problem selecting “dedication,” since that is actually my preference for any sustainable relationship. That doesn’t mean not wanting attraction. I do. But “passion” is an odd answer as far as I am concerned.
Yet, almost every woman answering this question invariably chooses “passion.” I equate that to mean they want intense chemistry. Fine for an affair, but aren’t women who answer that way setting themselves up for failure if what they want is more than an affair? Is that you?
Michael
Laura says
Absolutely
Melody says
I think a more mature and spiritual woman would choose dedication.
Melody
KDS says
With passion comes dedication, at least for women it does. But dedication doesn’t always bring passion. They are not mutually exclusive in a relationship and I think you first have to have passion for someone to develop a dedication for them.
NN says
No chemistry = no sexual satisfaction for me => not a working relationship
How is that a recipe for good relationship?
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/07/110725123411.htm
No thanks, I won’t let that frustration to happen again, nor will I want to cheat. I choose at least a man whom I feel attractive, instead of what is prescibed here to be the man of my life.
JAM says
I agree 100%! I’m currently in this situation now and have been married for 10 years to a man that’s a wonderful husband. But I’ve never had a spark o any kind of chemistry toward him. Therefore our sex life has always suffered in fact we don’t have sex because it always causes a argument. I have been longing for the passion of Love and sex more then ever. I am married with 5 kids and want out so badly. I’m honestly not happy and don’t know what to do as I feel suck.
Chris says
After 30 years of marriage my ex wasn’t feeling enough passion so we divorced. 4 years later the attachment phase is not phasing out for either of us, but especially me. Now what?
Jane says
30 yrs is a long time. But it sounds like your husband started to look at you in a different way. That can happen in a long term relationship. He saw you as more of friend rather than a lover. I’m sorry to be blunt. Loneliness is a natural feeling after a break up. But maybe to move on, you should try to cut the ties with your ex husband. Keep in contact. But not see him as much. Meet new people, new experiences. It’s scary. But life’s short. Make the most of it! We’ve all been there! Good luck!!
AQ says
Okay – this sounds good – but how do we do it – give us a paint by numbers to find it!? Maybe a great example is the movie “New World” where her flame with the first soldier burned bright then disappeared but the widower wanted her as a wife???
I am going to guess that secure is more important than spark – we don’t want a fire – but we can’t be so turned off that we want to throw up instead of kiss?
Date everyone as long as they don’t turn you off and wait for one who really likes you and commits, probably not the alphamale of the neighborhood, let him pursue and then let the feelings build over time?
Don’t pursue the Marlboro man, wait for the milkman to find you? LOL!!
Saint stephen says
Interesting Topic and is true i must confess.
What i have deduced so far based on experience is that Marriages built on sparks and chemistry eventually do not stand the test of time.
And my advice for those seeking for true love.
look for someone that has the qualities you seek for in your life partner then go for it and watch how the feelings and chemistry gradually develops later.
Love can be built and nurtured but most folks apparently don’t know this, so they only believe in spontaneous love which is based on attraction and not compatibility.
In Summary- Love and relationship built on Chemistry often wears Off in the long run While Chemistry thrives and love blossoms in a Relationship Built on Compatibility in the offing.
Jessica says
I’m sorry, but this is bad advice. This is the advice I took and three years into my marriage I am unhappy. Chemistry and attraction aren’t everything, but it is vital.
Catherine says
Personally, I’ve learned to distrust the intense passionate relationships. I have friends who seem to be addicted to that emotional high and live such roller coaster lives. I married a man whom I liked but wasn’t incredibly passionate about (we met after a devastating over the top passionate relationship that left me looking skeletal once it ended) We were married for 15 years and it was NOT the lack of passion that destroyed the marriage. At this writing I am dating a wonderful man who I love dearly and who loves me. The connection is there, but it is our friendship that is most important to us. We broke up for a year mostly because the passion wasn’t as strong for him as it is for me, but after a year of trying to date and emotionally empty relationships, he came back. He realizes how fleeting that intense “passion” can be and how wonderful just being together is.
Debi says
This chemical is called Oxytocin. And it is strong stuff. Once you recognize it’s powerful hold on you its can become easier to keep your logic tuned in.
When you get that “falling” feeling that is exactly what’s happening!
Also when you hear people say “follow your heart” , don’t always. Your head should be in charge of your heart!
Karen says
I wholeheartedly agree with you Evan, but if guys are of the thought that chemistry is what they think they need for that long-term relationship, how do I get him to convert to that mindset?
BC says
As Debi#12 said, and I believe a few other posters alluded to, Oxytocin is definitely the bad guy here, that causes the all consuming, *falling* head over heels feeling that is the downfall of us all in these relationships. Anyone who has ever been totally irrationally crazy about someone has experienced this chemical reaction, and the flood of hormones/chemicals/whatever you want to call them is what takes our minds hostage and gives our good sense over to our unqualified hearts!!
The worst two relationships of my life were without a doubt the most passionate…mutually passionate being the key. When you are absolutely drawn together magnetically, cannot get enough of each other, sleep becomes a hindrance as it serves nothing more than to keep you apart…that’s passion/chemistry, and you’d better believe that when it burns out, the intensity of the misery is every bit as strong as the euphoria of those initial months of bliss. I hope I don’t EVER let myself get into another one of those situations!
SusieQ says
Some people can break you irreparably .. Know when to walk away.
The loss of losing them is a million times more devastating then the high of being with them ever was.
be careful.
Michelle says
I agree, I had an intense passionate relationship years ago, and in the end the hurt and devastation were just as strong or stronger then the high from the passion……..very harsh lesson to learn. I still at times feel the sting when I hear his name or someone tells me he is thinking about me ect.. very painful experience. I had to learn to separate the two (passion vs consistency and true commitment). This was very hard as I always stayed with the “Marlboro” guys and dumped the good guys……and it took me till the age of 47 (first time marrying) to get it. I had regrets learning that revelation as there were many that I passed by because I wanted passion……my present husband and I have a pretty good relationship, but at times I do wish for that high in the passion department, all else is well though.
melie says
Yay Evan! It is so true about chemistry fading. Developing a friendship/love attatchment is so much more stable. I just can’t do it, though! If I don’t experience attraction, I can’t get into a relationship. On the other hand, it is horrible being linked to someone you are devestatingly attracted to and have absolutely nothing in common with! Ugh!!! I was married to that man for 28 long and dreary years: arguing over how to spend or save money, where and what to do on vacation, how to raise children. We both would have been spared much heartache had we determined the course of a relationship with someone we had absolutely nothing in common with but a dynamite physical attraction. When the sparks were gone, he found other women to spark with. I am happily divorced but still find it difficult to manage the friendship with a man and not become bored to death, or extremely critical of the least fault. Though we may recognize our mistaken paths, it is erroneous to think patterns are broken easily and without subsequent hard work. Bravo! An article well written and astute.
Gem says
Is it chemistry? Is it love? Or is it BOTH? I want, as most people do, both.
Which is why I am a huge fan of not having sex right away. Once a woman starts having sex with someone she’s feeling chemistry for, (even someone she’s sorta feeling it for), it clouds judgement and ups the ante for “making it work” when signs show up that she should go.
Waiting also helps me realize the men who actually want a relationship as oppossed to those who don’t, or aren’t sure but want to screw while they are figuring it out. It’s been my experience that men who know they want a relationship with someone, will wait for sex if they feel the woman they’re with is relationship potential.
I like figuring a man out as much as I can before I invest my body because once I do that, my heart is sure to follow if he’s a decent man – or appears to be, until I find out he’s NOT. I don’t want to find out he lies, is still having sex with his ex, has a drinking problem, is controlling, or any number of things after the fact.
Michelle says
Agreed completely
jack says
This is the strongest argument against sexual experimentation and having “wild years”.
All it does is ensure that some of the first, and most powerful bonding experiences are shared with people that are just temporary.
The number of people who can sleep around and then find a strong, lasting connection are very few. Once again, this was my reason for looking for a woman who had as few of these experiences as possible.
CF says
Just because someone has had many partners doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t have a lasting relationship. People want different things at different times in their lives, and those who eliminate anyone who has had a “wild” past from being a potential partner could be unnecessarily missing out on a great, lasting relationship.
I’ve had long-term committed relationships, but I also enjoyed periods of experimentation as it was good for discovering what I want and don’t want, building confidence, and living life fully.
Michelle says
I dont agree, I had several to many many one nighters ect.. and have been married now for 7 years and dated my husband two and a half years before we married……
Diana says
I think of this initial stage as infatuation or lust, though I know chemistry is usually the most popular way to describe it. Just this week, there was an article posted on msnbc about how falling in love can actually make you feel sick. It was an interesting read, if not entirely new. They have scientifically proven how this stage lights up the brain in a way that is identical to what it feels like to be on crack. There’s also a small population that seeks this kind of high due to a deficiency of some type. And of course, it all happens for only one reason. I think we all know what that reason is. 😉
I noted the writer’s reference to falling in love vs. chemistry. I think the falling in love part happens “after” the infatuation (or chemistry) stage. I also think that a couple can continue to fall in love with each other as they grow and experience different phases in their life together. For example, having children [assuming the marriage is happy and healthy] creates a falling in love kind of feeling all over again and an intense bond unlike anything experienced before; not just with the child, but each other. Sharing different experiences (adventures) allows us to see a new dimension in a person that we did not see before. Hopefully, a positive one. 🙂
I also think that a couple has to have a certain amount of chemistry in order to make it to their 50th anniversary. But my definition of chemistry isn’t necessarily the same as the standard school of thought, such as having butterflies, anxiously counting the seconds until you see each other again, can’t eat or sleep, etc. Having good chemistry is about two souls who have grown to be in unison together, and they enjoy each others company on many levels. It’s an unexplainable click. 🙂
Elliana says
That is a very good explanation for me about this ‘chemistry’ . For me was and it is different. Three years ago I experiences something that seams to be love at first side. it was a very Intense and last 6 months in the same uniq beauty, it wasn’t just passion , was a strange conection that gives us the feeling off relaxing and healing each other. His financial situation force him to leave far away and we break up. My life didn’t end but I feel like is missing something important. Met him after 2 years and the chemistry was the same but I am not sure if is good to go back. We can leave without having a personal excitement but life can be so boring . I have now a very calm relationship, I have security, he love me more than I, but is not spark and that it hurts too.
Goldie says
@ #17, oh Jack, Jack Jack… must we go to extremes? Have you ever seen 45-50-year-old guys who get out of a 20-25-year marriage, that they’d “waited” for, fully convicted that the women of the world now owe them copious amounts of NSA sex so they can “make up for lost years”? I have. Not pretty!
People are not robots, you do not automatically bond to everyone you sleep with. You have to be really into the person for that to happen. This whole waiting for the right person business, sounds to me like a recipe for disaster, especially when applied to people in their late teens and early 20s. Finally they’d end up being so sex-deprived, they’d pick the first “right person” that comes along, just to get it over with.
There’s got to be a golden medium somewhere…
helene says
I think chemistry is the only thing which makes the opposite sex bearable to us! Without it, men are just annoying… and no doubt women are too. I would argue that the secret to a happy longlasting relationship is to keep the chemistry GOING… all those annoying habits your mate has somehow seem cute and endearing when you find them so gorgeous and fascinating. Its when the chemistry is weak or you let it fizzle out that the problems begin – and I don’t think that’s because you chose wrong in the first place, I think that’s because any man (or woman) is going to get on your nerves in some form or another after a while….!
Lisa sahnger says
Yes
I agree with you. U think there needs to be chemistry/ butterflies
in order for there to be a solid connection. I do think you need respect and
common interest for sure.. And within 10 yrs on age… But chemistry is vital to like you said .. Overlooking the annoying habits that inevitably
will emerge. I recently found someone with
mutual chemistry but the timing was all wrong. So I will always wonder if I will ever feel that way again.
Kim Labelle says
I just recently had the same thing happen to me. I have chemistry with this guy but he is not ready for a relationship. On topen of that he ended the friendship with me with the most hurtful letter and uncalled for names. I haven’t had this chemistry since I was 18yr. I hope it happens again. But I believe for me i have to have chemistry and love and it has to be a person of good character for me to get married. I have to have the while package. Not just one or the other.
Mona says
Gosh. Completely agree. I dislike aaaaaaaaall men, except the one am attracted, feel chemistry, to!
And I would add, personally, if I don’t start a relationship based on chemistry and spark, I’d rather live alone! I don’t need men in my life!
Theresette says
Gosh…Mona I completely agree with you… I like respect, trust and a relationship with all the necessary criteria… but what you said is also very much important to me… If I don’t have the spark at home and in public…I am clouded.. For me chemistry and spark are important….and if love also is among it… Then it is a BONUS. I want this kind of relationship….
and just as you…If chemistry and spark is not there….I will live alone and dont need men in my life…!!! Mona you get it out for me….
MH says
Boy, do I need help in this area. Great column to know when it’s wrong, but Evan please do more columns on how to know when it’s right. One thing I find I do with a nice guy is that I question everything and just don’t have faith in him in the future because I keep thinking something is wrong with him. Please help us to change this thinking completely.
Jennifer says
I view Oxytocin similarly to how I view PMS: they both are real and exist, but the effect varies from woman to woman and neither is an excuse to act like you don’t have any sense.
I doubt any woman here would argue that she behaves in ways that she absolutely can’t control when under hormonal influences, so let’s not make it sound like oxytocin renders women unable to make smart choices.
Passionate feelings that make you feel obsessed and anxious to the point of unhappiness- bad. Passionate feelings that make you feel excited and contrent- could be good. Feelings that stir up very little to no passion at all- perfectly fine if that’s what you want, I just wouldn’t count on a rush of passion rising up later.
No one positive factor about a person should make you ignore a gaggle of warning signs/ negatives, whether that positive factor is strong chemistry or anything else.
SusieQ says
oxyticin is a powerful force like being drunk or drugs and yes people on pms act how they wouldn’t normally act. Some very angry yet not knowing they would respond so angry at times.
Land some people just feel more or others are able to keep a lid on it and be less passionate.
Thats what passion is having no bridle on your sexual energies/emotions and letting happen happen without a stop sign from the brain.
Some people think with their head, heart or labido.
People should Prob use their mind for good decisions but possibly less passion. Does passion exert itself from the mind? The heart?
BC says
Well, Jennifer#22, I’m no expert on oxytocin, but I can absolutely get the drift of how this stuff works to lull us into a trippy dippy lovey dovey can’t get enought state of mind. It may not quite render women unable to make smart choices, but it tosses us into that crazy in love zone which can be mighty darn hard to just walk away from, especially when the object of our desire is showing equal, if not even greater signs of attraction and bonding as we are. Its pretty darn addicting stuff! God help us.
Nicole says
@BC…yes but I think Jennifer’s point is that they make it seem as if any man who makes a woman have an orgasm is going to control her, and that simply isn’t true.
I think plenty of women can totally hook up with a hot man that they don’t want a long term or serious relationship with.
And what is the chemical explanation for men who cannot let go of toxic women? B/c I’ve known plenty of men who got abused by horrid, toxic shrews that they would not let go of.
So the problems with chemistry do not just render women powerless and foolish, and we should stop talking as though it’s a one-way street.
The advice about chemistry is good for both genders, and both genders are susceptible to staying with bad people because of the “heat” they feel towards that person.
Selena says
I concure with Diana #18.
“Chemistry” as it is so often defined in this blog is merely initial sexual attraction – lust – infatuation. That fades because nothing can stay “new” indefinetly.
Chemistry is that unexplainable click you feel with some people and not others. You may feel it with different friends, co-workers, relatives. In a romantic relationship, sexual attraction is part of it, but not soley it. Chemistry encompasses mental attraction, emotional attraction, and compatibility of personalities. Chemistry is what you feel when someone “gets” you.
Infatuation is not falling in love. Infatuation is temporary. Falling in love is what follows infatuation – a progression. And that progression does not always happen. One may be highly infatuated at first, then find it ends either abruptly, or gradually as they get to know the other person better. Often with the realization the other components aren’t there – the mental and emotional attraction, the compatibility of personalities.
Oxytocin isn’t super glue. If it were, all women and some men would be hopelessly bonded to the first person they ever had sex with. For life. Most of us haven’t. Like infatuation, oxytocin is temporary. It’s not an excuse for making unfortunate choices and sticking with them. There are more psychological reasons involved for doing that.
Shewas says
You sound like a very intellectual person reminding me of someone.
Anyway all good points. 🙂
Al says
I agree completely. Thank you.
Jennifer says
BC#23- I can see how my comment can read like it was harsh and directed at you, but that’s not the case at all! Sorry if it came off that way.
I just don’t want people throwing up their hands hopelessly in the face of any hormone; too many bad outcomes can come from that 🙂
BC says
Jennifer#26-Oh, yeah, I totally agree that we can’t just throw ourselves completely into the fates of hormonal highs and lows, in love or any other situation in life. I’ve been in that infatuated state of mind, as I’m sure most of us, men or women for that matter have been, and its quite a roller coaster. I’ve also been involved with guys who I liked an awful lot, and was super compatible with in most ways, while those feelings of getting all swept away were just not there. Of course, as someone else was saying, I believe Nicole, the oxytocin overload is just temporary, so we come back down to earth soon enough. Then its either sink or swim, with more of a basis in reality and trying to make a go of things or moving on.
This is interesting reading, and in case anyone thinks I am a nutcase with no control of my emotions, I’m not. Ha! But, when I was in my twenties, I WAS more easily led by raw emotions as opposed to trying to find that elusive blend of passion and stability…hard qualities to balance sometimes in a relationship.
Babs says
Woow, this is so true, chemistry doesn’t last, sometimes when we say we are following our ‘heart’ we are actually following chemistry. Its a good feeling but our decisions can not be based solely on feelings. I have feelings for someone, they quite balanced thou, but he’s seeing other people and cohabiting with another, drinks, but has other good qualities. Eish am confused and I feel too old for this feeling (29). I don’t call him anymore but he does- we’re on a break. Am planning to telll him to leave. Meanwhile, my heart was ashed by a 60 year old man whom I had intense feelings for…online, only to discover that I was not the only one. He called me names and left my heart in ashes, but am ok now, when I consider his age, I knew it was never gonna work out.
In summary, chemistry alone should not affect our decisions
Iva says
You brought an interesting piece of information, what was that experience with the 60 year old man?… what made you had intense feelings; were you almost convinced to try this relationship…explore the phenomena, because I think, it has to do a lot with the oxytocin origination…
Anna says
I just want to address you a sincere huge thanks… Love your clear view on things and your witty illustrating examples. Reading this made me feel SO much relief and calmness and made me more confident about myself and everything… I’ve been having doubts about a situation for about three years now… Of course I’ve tried to work things out on my own and have touched some points from the article by myself…but it’s crystal now! Thank you so much 🙂
Annie says
@17
I agree with you 🙂 I can say it’s really nice to actually come across some-one who recognizes/believes this, particularly a man.
I’ve have tried to patiently explain my position on this(and sometimes not so patiently) to so many people,and the truth is they just don’t want to believe it.
To create a really great, monogamous , enriching, uplifting relationship, you have to leave the “exciting” parts of male female relations alone, till you are sure you want to create that excitement with that person due to genuine respect and compatibility.
To wait, is to “choose” some-one to experience excitement with. That is what creates the bond. This is the person you get excited over. Not “this is the sexual stimulation” I get excited over, and then get bored with as you need “new” excitment. Casual sex, dilutes the powerful bond that sex can create.
Would you agree with my reasoning?
It is something I struggle with Jack, especially in my country(Australia) which is honestly one of the most promiscuous countries in the west.
The most common response I get when I say I want to wait (and I explain my reasons) is “You have sexual issues, You want to withhold sex and manipulate a man, You want to control a man’s sexuality, You’re a prude, I think I’ll win a man by playing hard to get, YOU DON’T Associate Sex with LOVE do you?HAHAHAHAHA…etc etc etc”.
They don’t understand. They also end up in such horrible relationships and then blame the opposite gender. We have some serious gender War issues going on in my country because of this.
You are a breath of fresh air on this blog. I’m glad for that 🙂
Pineapple says
But how come men get to feel the wonderful effects of chemistry? They won’t go without it!
Evan Marc Katz says
Men get into crappy relationships based on chemistry just as well – and make horrible mistakes because of it. Why? Do you think that they don’t?
temi says
Hi Evan, I do think men get into crappy relationships based on chemistry as well. I’ve seen it many times. Nice guys who put up with women who do not appreciate them, and everyone thinks, “OMG, why is he with her”. Then, other guys say, “well, she must do something for him to make up for being so nasty to him” The answer must be chemistry…. And vice versa, it works that way too. I’ve seen men also ruin stable marriages and seen families ruined over a man’s short, discovered passionate fling with a mistress, and, who, afterwards, were heartbroken over the demise of their marriage and wish they’d never done it! Chemistry can take us all over. The best and worst physical experiences I’ve ever had were due to chemistry. The highs do not lift up the lows. Biology has dealt us all a difficult stack of cards……
Pineapple says
I think men don’t date without any chemistry, whereas women are taught to “get a guy to grow on them” and trade his excitement for stability….
Trish says
I met a great man and was excited just to see him and be with him and he always told me that he just wanted to be with me regardless of the fact we were sleeping together and we didnt always have sex when we were together we just loved each others company, we had everything in common and we really “got”each other, but then he told me the ‘spark’ just wasn’t there for him (he loved me but wasn’t in love with me) needless to say we are no longer together, we were close friends and knew each other for a cpl of months before we slept together, he’s looking for that “spark”he had as a 16 yr old and now he’s nearly 50. I personally think as we age (I’m 50) it’s very different, for me it’s more about compatibility. companionship and real love/ trust /respect that can be built upon, not a fleeting feeling of euphoria that wears off.And Annie is right(I’m in Australia) when you like a guy you have dated a few times they think there’s something wrong with you when you don’t want to have sex with them,preferring to wait a few months to see where the relationship is headed and if the bond between you is real and could last a lifetime, they think were playing hard to get, but one problem is that there’s so many women here with very low or no morals it makes it hard for the rest of us looking for a real connection.
judy says
For me, chemistry is as described by Selena (25). I know what LUST is and/or sexual attraction.
Say Evan, what do you think chemistry is?
Nura says
Hi, am getting engaged to this guy who I have known for 7 months. His sweet tall dark and handsome. His almost everything a girl dreams of.
Every time we French kiss I don’t feel anything. His the first guy I kissed. Al i know is I should feel something but I just feel his lips against mine. I don’t feel butterfly’s when am with him. There’s no chemistry at all. I know part of me love him because u care about him a lot, and I miss him if he doesn’t call. :(((. But his a really good guy I think am lucky. There’s nothing wrong with him. But yet I know deep down something is not right.
SparklingEmerald says
Nura – If something doesn’t feel right you should not get engaged or married to this man, until you can get over that feeling. If you can’t shake the feeling that something isnt’ right, you shouldn’t be with him.
It sounds to me as if you aren’t in love with this man, but you think you “should” be.
oneK says
I put this comment in another (older?) blogpost (am I the only one who can’t see dates on comments?):
I think there is a major selection bias in the statistical analysis of chemistry vs little-chemistry argument, which is similar to the argument supporting arranged marriages.
More arranged marriages last specifically because the kind of people who agree to them are not the kind of people to end marriages (unless there is major abuse). Similarly, those willing to enter a relationship without that chemistry are probably willing to endure long periods of discontent for the sake of maintaining the relationship.
If you define the success of a relationship by its longevity then yes, those starting out with little chemistry will be more successful. But this says very little about relationship satisfaction, which is far more difficult to assess.
Personally, with the feeling of being in love so universal and seemingly part of the human condition, I don’t understand wanting to deny one of life’s true pleasures. Surely, while acknowledging that it does not last for long, it can be seen as an essential foundation on which other elements of a fulfilling relationship are built?
natalie says
I am happy to have found this site. Ive been in an undefined relationship but basically we know we are friends and weve been talking for a 2 years. We are miles apart but we are able to build a strong relationship. The constant communication we have made us attached to each other. He told me that he was emotionally attached with me and he wants to progress the relationship. He visited me once, I visited him once in the two years span. I can tell that there was no spark in our first meeting, nor the second but the latter has a different feeling to it. Even that there was no obvious spark but I can feel the attachment I have to him, its a different feeling than chemistry, just far far more different. My heart doesn’t flutter and there’s no electricity but im happy and contented and I like to be around him. He have a lot of flaws, but I found all of those charming about him. Though after the last
visit and a week of contemplation, he said that we cannot be more than friends for there was no spark which I found a shallow reason and was just too confusing for me cause what we have is far more and beyond just attraction, we still didnt really talk about it and I don’t know he have the feeling I have. But what can I do. I have to let him go and find someone he has a spark with.
Temi says
I have definitely confused being in love with chemistry and paid the price! I think for women, this may happen even easier than for men. The moment women get intimate with someone we feel chemistry with, all these attachment hormones (oxytocin) take over, and we think we’re in love. It was the most intense feeling I ever had and I really believed he was the one. I’m not naïve and I’d had several long-term relationships. Clearly, this man had many faults, was narcissistic, made me miserable, enjoyed making me wait, was manipulative, not really attractive, yet, I could not stop the relationship and wanting to see him. I am a normal, intelligent person and generally calm. Yet, I lost all my judgment. After about one year, he suddenly wanted to “disengage” and subsequently dropped me like a bomb because he wanted “new experiences” He was in his mid-50s, me 15 years younger. Of course, now I wish I’d never met him. He appeared so sincere, educated, kind and said all the right things in the beginning, such as “feeling so attached to him” and that “what we had was nothing like he had ever had before”. Like another commenter said: Yes,, the passion was unbelievable, something I can never forget, but the misery is absolutely horrible when it ends. Now they say this type of “addiction” is like having to quit heroin. I’ve never used drugs, so I would not know. Only that kicking this kind of chemistry is horrible. I will never forget him, but I wish I had never met him. I am in a much calmer relationship now, with less passion, but feel loved. And that, I am building on and feels much better. It is good to read that I was not alone in this and hope we all make better choices in the end.
Amanda from tennessee says
When I first started dating the man I’m with, it was 5 years ago. We fell in love instantly. Or I did. I immediately felt like he was the one I was supposed to be with. It was a feeling of, I just knew. He cheated and it killed me inside. I dealt with it over and over and eventually ended up cheating myself. We stopped cheating and I guess you could say realized how much we meant to each other. That was the first year. Now, I’m lost In our relationship. I love him dearly. But I’m now feeling like I’m destined for so much more. Like I’m supposed to be living this great love story. He has proposed, I’ve accepted. But that was three years ago this Christmas and were still not married. Every time I try to plan our wedding, I get discouraged by him and I feel like his whole heart isn’t in it so I stop the planning process. Its like I feel like it’s never gonna happen. So at this point, I’m asking myself, after 5 years of this yoyo, what do I do?! Bc I literally am ready for the next phase of my life to start.
EmeraldDust says
Amanda @39 – I think you already know what you should do, but it’s just very hard to do it. Good luck to you.
KarmicEquation says
If you’re not happy, leave him. It’s that simple. A relationship requires MORE than just love. It requires that both people are vested in meeting their partner’s reasonable needs and helping him/her in their quest for happiness.
If he isn’t or doesn’t want to meet your needs…and it sounds like getting married is a need for you and is a perfectly reasonable one considering you’ve been dating 5 years — you need to leave.
It sounds as you’re each other’s habit. It’s hard to kick a bad habit. Sometimes even when you know it’s killing you.
Kath Jacka says
I think this is a pretty astute theory and one that we all need to hear more often. I have just decided to end a relationship with a man I’m still in love with (whatever that means) but who I don’t love in the true sense of the word. We had an intense, chemistry-fuelled 18 months but it emerged that he was irresponsible, self-absorbed and neglectful of those around him. I saw an unhappy future for myself and decided to walk away.
It has not been easy but I had a deep realisation that charming, charasmatic types are great fun for a while but not a good bet for a truly loving and committed partner. They are half formed people and you cannot change them if they can’t change themselves.
JohnnyB says
Hey
IM a guy kinda in this situation. Our first few years together were great. Some problems but they were handled. We have been married for 7 years the last 4 years me as a guy thought it was ok. She on the other hand didnt. Yes I fussed yes I forgot her but I’ll explain that. I forgot to show her constantly how important she is to me. I never once forgot to say I love you. But that saying only means so much if it’s not constantly shown.I know my flaws I know we’re I messed up and I’m trying to make an honest chance of improving myself. I’m not your average guy once I realise what I was doing was wrong I make a decision to change my bad ways. The thing about our marriage is we both forgot to try. I have been married 2 times now she has had 4 every guy she left before has never tried to fight for her or even tried to make a change in there life to make it work. I love my wife know I messed up and want to be a better man so it never happens again. She on the other hand dosnt want to try she wants to do like the other break ups and just move on take a chance on another person. Am I wrong for thinking if your trying to change its a good thing. I can only try and so far I have been shot down. We both forgot to pay attention but lol I’m the guy so it’s completely my fault right. I admit I fussed alot and yes I said something when she didn’t come home from going out with her friends till 3 or 4 am once or twice a month. I did worry because I never got a text or phone call saying she was going to be late. But hey I was only sitting there alone wondering if she was even alive. That argument landed me in the your sucking the fun out of my life category. Lol. I’ll learn to deal just wondering if you had any advice for a guy that has a broken heart because I screwed up and people always tell her a guy can’t change you can only change guys go find a better one.
I love with all my heart yes I forget to constantly show it but I try. I gave never cheated but have been cheated on. That rips your heart out why I’ll never do it. Just figuring out how to deal at least reading your post has helped me be a better person for later on in life. I hope she can realise some guys can change if they care enough.
Thanks. End of rant.
krazzie says
Why don’t you try to let her read this message?
Laura says
I am in the same boat. Keep fighting.
Karen says
Johnny
I have been in ur situation and it hurts really bad there are a few things I can identify that indicate to me that she is not worth ur time or trouble. I feel bad but these same points were why hubby left me, like you I don’t quit. But having said that a leopard doesn’t change it’s spot.
Everything that went wrong was always my fault. Like u I was accused of being complacent. My I love you should have transferred to actions
The adrenalin from the first affair wasn’t enough. He had another. And he wouldn’t have counseling because I was the issue not him.
Those late nights were my fault as I was a nag and he needed a break. (Sixteen years later he admitted it was his excuse to go out by blaming me.)
She has a history of it and has no desire to change
And finally Johnny why should u have to change in order to be prepared when she decides to come back. She isn’t in love with u so don’t be her doormat. Up the skits get out tthere and find a real woman who loves you for who u are. But don’t be saddled with that she doesn’t deserve u. Seven years was hell do u want to soring for another seven?
Lindsay says
Hi guys,
I think I’ve never fallen in love if you put it this way, I’ve only fallen in chemistry. The thing is, I’ve always needed at least some chemistry to be open for the idea of a relationship. I am doing something wrong? If there is no chemistry, I am not even interested.
I think my role models (read parents) never had a happy relationship. They have never been each others support systems. Actually, they make life difficult for each other. Since I am growing up now, I’m coming to see this. I am in my mid twenties now.
In my previous relationships I have been very critical to my partners, as my dad does to my mom. I really want to change this and I also want to change the habbit of falling for chemistry. My future partner deserves to be loved, not criticized.
Life can be such a surprising journey.
JohnnyB says
Krazzie I have shown her and I try to constantly show. It but Ive already been told the words no man wants to hear. I don’t love you I don’t want to live with you I ! Ont want to date you and last but not least I don’t want counseling. She’s to the point she wants to live her life alone maybe date again but right now I’m one of the other guys that never tried to change or admit they had a problem. Like I said she has never had anyone to fight for her or even try. Now I’m trying to make myself a better person incase god forbid she finally decides I’m not worth coming back to later. Can only work on myself right now.
julia says
I also thought the same, and married a good guy for a secure, caring relationship. Without spark sex was just an obligation, and I couldn’t bring myself to have his babies so we divorced. I stayed single not to make the same mistake again. I wasted my young years with someone I was not in love with. I would not advice any woman to settle for a safe guy who does not make her heart flutter.
Richard says
A spark starts an engine, but it doesn’t keep it running.
I’ve been in relationships with intense chemistry, loads of passion and great sex. Guess what? None of them lasted! I didn’t even fancy my ex when I met her and nor did she fancy me. But we produced 2 children! Genes have a wonderful way of making sure we keep reproducing no matter what!
Sadly the intensity of the relationship was mistaken for intimacy. It turns out two wounded souls were attracting each other from a very insecure place. Sure enough it all ended in tears and bad feelings. No more friendship and a business like approach to parenting.
So now I’ve come to realise that yes, a spark is important, but that spark is just the beginning. It’s not based purely on looks either, although that is important of course. In simple terms, you’ve got to at least “fancy” your partner. But I do think the chemistry and love that lasts comes from a connection that’s developed over time. A meeting of minds, a willingness to what to get to know the other person on a deeper level. All this means being vulnerable with the other person, which some people find very hard to do.
The best definition I have ever heard on what love is comes from M Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled:
“The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”
Perfect.
Diphas says
I may agree with you on other hand coz i’ve expérienced it myself.
Karen says
Chemistry is the rush of excitement we feel for another person who is on our wave length at a given time. It is when two souls connect. I believe this chemistry can be nurtured and evolve into friendship, attachment and eventually love. Chemistry is instant, friendship is formed by common values and interests. Attachment in this case is the parallel between friendship and love and can manifest over months or years. I believe true love is something that stems from trials and tribulations ad despite adversary a couple stays strong. True love creates a stronger sense of chemistry almost like falling in love again and again, it has it’s lulls but it’s a constant and a given because it’s enduring. And it starts with that tiny little spark called attraction and distingluishes one person from the others at a given point in time which is reciprocal.
huss says
A mans perspective, I married someone where there was never any spark. We grew to love each other. That however faded over time and I guess the only reason we stayed together was for the sake of the kids and convenience. 10 years later we are getting a divorce. I firmly believe we are wired not to have monogamous relationships. There has to be chemistry and when that fades we move on to the next relationship which has chemistry.
Gabriella Ceccato says
Hi there!
Ah, just wondering why you utilised Wikipedia for your main references?
Don’t you realise that: >>>> https://www.wikipedia.com <<<<is easily regulated by absolutely anyone worldwide? Haha! 💓
Would just like some stranger’s biased and non-factual, so called “evidence” to back your strong opinion on a such a vital topic? Love.
“To be loved and love in return is true love that should Last a lifetime if successful”. ~TM. Gabriella Renee Ceccato, 30/12/2016.
I am sure it was simple error on your part, that I have no doubt about. However, I am not sure about a few of your negative Poimts regarding relations with your love of your life. May I be so bold to persue the obvious fast that you too have been heartbroken before. Like us all; we are wiser.
Although, atually, I am wondering if the issue of “just oxytocin” or “true love” is not indicative of exactly who is feeling in love or not love…I believe it totally depends on the person.
Thus, depending on the person to next person. What is true love to you?Nawww. Not one being on this Earth approaches love in the same way. We are all individuals in this small universe and that is also my opinion to have.
Please use true statistics next time if you want to get all fancy with your so called “evidential” blogs.
Please consider scientifically proven facts next time. Since you wanted to talk “Chemistry vs Love”…
Overall,
I commend you for your persuasive writing about Love. Which is a difficult and controversal subject to behind with and then you had to add scientifically didn’t you? Ah okay, alas. All is well. Viva la vida. Live and let live and love.
Also, I will sure to recommended your article to my girl-friends despite your lack of proper referencing.
Well done mate!
~Gabriella
Gabriella Ceccato says
P’S – I do realise I made some spelling errors…
Also I can not care less but alas good job overall buddy.
~Gabriella
Evan Marc Katz says
Thank you for the longest backhanded compliment I’ve ever received. I’m sure the world is benefitting greatly from your thorough debunking of Wikipedia and I do hope that you continue your Internet policing on other people’s websites. Your passion for non-specific, pseudo-even-handed feedback will reverberate on this blog for minutes to come. Well done, mate!
Gabriella Ceccato says
Regardless of your referencing,
Even.
Oh boy, did your swift reply make me laugh out loud! Lmao Evan!
I do hope we are all the wiser about Wikipedia now, none the less! 💓
Actually, you need to know that I am still impressed by your blogs.
~Gabriella Ceccato
Alfonso escoto says
How can love ever exist without chemistry. The same way a delicious plate would never exist without the right amount of ingredients.
We all carry a baggage of memories that have affected us from the beginning of our life up to the present. Each individual is raised different in a unique way because even traditional values are evolved throughout time. True some people fall for others in a sexual desire type of way. But a connection beyond the physical is where true love comes from when you can talk for hours, laugh, cook together and make memories together….Society has accepted that love is this rare experience that only happens when you meet the person half way in a green field with butterflies or that it’s perfect all the way. Yes love isn’t any of those bad things mentioned but that baggage of memories and values from the type of parents involved can definitely have an affect towards this impossible LOVE that everyone gives up on. Chemistry will always lead to sex. And chemistry has been twsited into thinking that chemistry is lust. NO! Sex is a feeling and people avoid that chemistry connection now and days just to lust for sex. Thats why relationship’s fail because of the chemistry. Has nothing to do with anything physical because that’s visual, your mind processes good and bad feelings. the more good ,the more happier ,the more excited you are. If not then yes you start feeling, insecure jealous or lied to etc. The root of the problem is always ignored. EVOLVE YOUR MIND AND YOUR LIFE AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND BELIEVE THERE IS SOMEONE HIGHER THAT GIVES US THE GIFT OF WHAT YOU ATTRACT. IF THAT PERSON CHOOSES NOT TO CHANGE FOR THAT LOVE THEN THERE WILL NEVER BE CHEMISTRY. REAL LOVE COMPROMISE’S TO KEEP ADDING WOOD TO THAT FIRE.
It’s not rocket science. It’s more of a choice for one to accept when they are truly wrong and live right. Things will happen but Love gives hope and faith as well. People can change if one chooses to. There are more heartbreaks , and divorces and cheating and lying more then ever and it’s information like this that keep minds going in circles with half the facts. You cant define love only throught a scientific explanation. OPEN YOUR MIND AND DISCOVER TRULY THAT THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU WILL DIE WITH YOU OR DIE FOR YOU. AND THAT YOU ALWAYS SHOW THAT YOU WILL DO THE SAME. Keep that chemistry alive to keep the fire on for love.
LDR Relationship says
I have always been suspect on if I love someone or it is just a thrill. Usually I end up finding myself dating a man who never talks to me and I just said yes to him because I did not want to make him sad.
That is my romantic past. Now, I have a man who is dear to me and I genuinely care for, we care about what we have and want to make it last. We are long distance, so I do not think the feeling is just sexual if you know what I’m saying.
We are still pretty young though… even though I feel very strongly for him and him for me, and I think he may be the one… I don’t know if it is love or chemistry.
Mary K says
Dear Evan, I have just experienced what you are talking about. The difference is that it was my boyfriend whose feelings I believe were based more on passion rather than love. He is 48 and I am 47 and both of us have been divorced for several years. He lives two hours away from me and with our schedules we are only able to see each other once a week although we talk almost every day on the phone. He says he loves me and wants to marry me in three months but we have only been dating for four. Besides the fact that I don’t believe we know each other well enough to get married, I would also become a step-mom. I do not have children of my own and do not know his daughter that well. I said it was too soon for me and asked him to wait for at least another year. He said he didn’t want to wait a year because he needs me now. Because I wouldn’t commit to him he broke up with me. I am confused and hurt, but feel I did the correct thing by asking for more time to develop a strong foundation first.
Oksana says
Disagree completely.
The article raises the totally different question. What does the person want? Enduring arrangement, or bond with the partner.
Endurung arrangement (aka marriage) is better to be based on fixed and logical things. Things that unlikely to be changed (set of beliefs, similar backgrounds, morals, similar fears). If chemistry and passion are thrown in – it only confuses and disstabilizes the enduring arrangement. Because yes, it can evaporate. Yes, it is risky. So if people want Enduring Arrangement, i would also advise to keep away from Chemistry. If people want to call Enduring Arrangement as LOVE, and by this find the recipe how to succeed in long term mating, it is fine with me.
Chemistry/Passion are spontaneous. It has nothing to do with our logical decisions. It is our whole beings responding to another. Those intense bonds are risky business. Bit those who go into them have opportunity to learn a lot. Learning how to surf high feeling with the open heart, learning how to relinquish control, learning how to be brave, learning how to love, learning how to let go, learning how to be honest, learning how to keep integrity. This have much more to do with love to me than signing enduring contract about who does laundry on Tuesdays and who is picking up groceries.
I am grateful to this article. It clearly showed to me what i disagree so much with.
Some people do not need feel the connection. Or they feel the connection when their partner pays for them, helps them with taking out the garbage.
But there are people and a lot, who need the connection. And this connection is built not on shared duties and responsibilities. Not on endurance and sacrifice. Not on compromise. Those people need emotional bonds. And those bonds will never be in relationship when people had never kissed forever, had never melted into each other forgetting about the world. Chemistry is NOT emotional bond. But it is the first step.
Emotional bond is love in my book. Enduring arrangement is just enduring arrangement. It brings peace (to some) but not of the heart. Of the mind. Where it took place initially. Emotional bond brings peace of the heart.
People need different things. Approaching relationships as projects…. there is something wrong about it.
Jenni says
I have been with my partner for 12 yrs and the chemistry is still there when we see each other, when we touch we just can’t keep our hands off each other and we are in our late fifties.
Eileen Vicente says
My story is something a good book is made of which is why I am writing my autobiography. After many years, I contacted my first love just for curiosity. Well that saying about curiosity killed the cat is so true. He claimed he was still in love with me, and I started to bite the bait, even though I was the one who broke up with him 60 years ago. He was a bastard then, and I was terrified of him, because I felt that he would cheat on me and lie. So after one year was over, at that time, I thought the chemistry was over, and I ended the relationship.
Sixty years later, I suddenly felt so much lust for this man that I felt like I could not live without him. It was right after my near death experience in a tragic car accident. I had four herniated discs, half my foot is now metal, and I broke my C2 in my neck. When we reunited after the accident, he was all lovey dovey for about three months, and then he became the loser I always thought he would be. By the way, he is a compulsive gambler and probably an alcoholic. Who knows, but I guess the accident was such a trauma that I needed the intense fix this man offered me. I am still trying to get over the jerk. He is the worst, but oh that fix!
Michael says
Hi, very interesting to hear all your views experiences, and I do believe that passion, and “ that crazy stage early on is an amazing wonderful time, I’m a very physical person and that instant attraction works for me, the relationship may not last because of other issues, witch happens thou it’s hard to handle. But fundamentally I’ll do anything to keep the spice, if I’m physically attracted to them, I’ve found a lady who I have that, and we also have a great connection we laught we have common interests, she’s classy, and creative, but she struggles as she’s had two long relationships that have not had the passion and physical attraction that we have and she struggles to be fully committed and backs off, it hurts me. And leaves me with doubts .
Farah says
It is a very good article and it is a pleasure to read so many interesting stories. I would never have thought that I would “end up” reading articles like that and looking for answers…. I thought that life ends when you reach 40!
I have been in a very happy marriage for 7 years (we had started dating 3 years before we got married) and I have never had any regrets. I left my own country to be with someone I was in love with and that was the best decision of my life. There was a spark but not a huge one. We really started from friendship but we were attracted to each other and then love grew. We still are looking at each other the same way we did when we met and are finding each other attractive which is very good after 10 years of being together (we do not have children). I do love my husband very much and I would never do anything to hurt him…but something happened few weeks ago which made me feel like I was 16 years old again….I did not plan it, did not expect it and was terrified when it happened because I totally lost control over my head. I met someone on a training and so called “chemistry” between us was so strong that I felt psychically sick! My heart was racing, I felt hot and cold and I just did not know what to do with myself. I could read all the signs and I knew that he felt the same way. After that we exchanged our emails and started emailing each other about our interests (which were similar)). They were just normal, polite emails which later turned into flirting. As soon as it happened I apologized him, he apologized me for trying to flirt and we both decided that we had to finish this as I was married….he wasn’t…
It was a mutual decision and we have not been in contact since but I do feel terrible about it. I do not understand why I needed to even think about someone else!? Why did it happen to me? To be honest I still think about him but I will never contact him again. I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I am going through a break up…..that is the chemistry for you….destruction…..
eema says
i am someone with high anxiety. when it builds up i snap because i dont know how to channel the feeling positively. i have snapped at my boyfriend a few times. but now we are happily married now with 2 children for 10 years. we are still in love. i have asked my husband, why he still wanted me eventhough he knew i had weaknesses. most men would run away.. he said he just did and wanted to marry me. to him, i wasnt difficult to understand and we completed each other.
i am blessed Coz we still have sparks and my husband is still attracted to me eventhough i gained 20kg.. i believe it is chemistry. something, a smell we release maybe,something we cant see but makes us drawn to each other.
Suzie says
I married a man to settle also.for.29 years. Recently going through an expensive and messy divorce. It may have been love at first but it turned into more of a controlling relationship on his part. I was the codependent wife…from all the way to the bedroom. Sex was basically a chore. I did what he commanded for years. Finally, moved to the basement and started divorce proceedings. Met another man quite younger than me. We immediately had the chemistry and attraction and very much in common. I was shocked at how I was feeling just being with him. I ignored the feelings for a long time. Played hit and cold with him for months. We literally cannot keep our hands off each other when we are together. I finally know what making love to someone is really like. I miss this man immensely when we aren’t together. We. have intense feelings for each other and we are in love. Due to some stupid mistakes that were made at about a month into our relationship I haven’t been able to see him for about 3 weeks. We do talk daily on the phone and text quite frequently. My divorce is far from being finalized. I ache for him and dream about him.he has told me he feels the same way. I am just going day by day for now. True love does exist. I do not know where this relationship is going yet but I know I am I. It 100 percent. We are going to work together as a couple. It is just taking time for us to get our lives sorted through a mess right now.. I do believe it though.