I have a guy friend who is perpetually single. He’s got everything going for him. Advanced degree. Successful. Funny. Social. Ambitious. Good values.
And yet every time I talk with him, it’s the same old story.
Another woman just broke his heart.
When I ask him for the details of the latest debacle, it usually comes down to the fact that he’s a nice, relationship oriented man, who earnestly follows through and communicates his feelings… and she’s an aloof woman who tries to consider him as a romantic partner, but ultimately would rather chase an unattainable jerk.
It’s classic, really.
But when I ask my friend what makes him fall for these emotionally unavailable women, you know what he tells me?
“I like them because they’re smart and they’re hot.”
You can’t help what you’re attracted to. But you can acknowledge that the men you’re attracted to aren’t always good long-term relationship partners.
Objectively, wouldn’t you tell this man that perhaps “smart” and “hot” aren’t necessarily the best criteria to evaluate a lifetime romantic partner?
Of course you would.
You’d tell him to appreciate her inner beauty, her warm smile, her generosity, her sense of humor. All the things you appreciate about your own girlfriends.
Yet when you look at your own life – at your consistent pining for tall, handsome, brilliant, fascinating men – you do the exact same thing.
Worse, you defend it in the same way that my friend does:
“I can’t help what I’m attracted to!”
You’re right. You can’t help what you’re attracted to.
But you can acknowledge that the men you’re attracted to aren’t always good long-term relationship partners.
You can acknowledge that attraction can be blinding and allow you to overlook a man’s flaws for way too long.
You can acknowledge that attraction isn’t either a “10” or a “1” – that there’s usually something in between.
And you can acknowledge that, for my guy friend, his addiction to smart, hot, aloof and inaccessible women isn’t really working for him.
By the way, I’m not telling you anything that I haven’t considered in my own life.
As a man who’s been married for three years, I’ve finally started to get into a rhythm with my wife.
We’ve got a house.
We’ve got a kid.
We both work from home and spend a lot of time together.
And unless something changes, you know what we spend most of our time doing?