You’re Attracted To The Wrong Men

Do you find that you’re attracted to the “wrong” men?

Do you ever wonder why you’re pulled in a direction that isn’t healthy for you?

Do you ever wonder what you can do differently?

Charisma is attractive, but if it’s not coupled with kindness and commitment, who really cares?

If so, join the crowd.

Often, the most attractive, desirable men are the WORST fit for your future.

Yet you can’t seem to help being drawn in by their charm and charisma.

It’s time to break free from the patterns of your past and create a new future, filled with kind, consistent men who treat you the way you deserve…

I love getting emails from you. I really do.

Because when you’re open with me, and I can be open with you, together, we can create magic.

I was reminded of the magic when I got a call from a private client just this morning.

Terri was telling me about how she’s always been a magnet for the wrong men.

She’s a strong, successful woman, and she likes alpha males. Charismatic, successful, charming, handsome, you know the type…

Except there are two problems:

Alpha males generally don’t like her.

The alpha males that do like her have some serious issues. They’re workaholics. They’re selfish. They’re narcissistic. They don’t make her feel special. They’re unable to commit. They’re always trying to get their way.

In other words, they’re alpha males.

Terri couldn’t help but be drawn to these guys even though she knew that these guys are toxic for her.

But after 40 some-odd years of failure, she realized that something had to shift. Charisma is attractive, but if it’s not coupled with kindness and commitment, who really cares?

Terri finally started to open up to “nice guys”. And she’s starting to see the light.

The guy she’s seeing now is great – and although she’s trying to find something wrong with him, she can’t find any compelling reason to break up. Such is the toxic pull that charismatic alpha males have on you that you actually will try to find problems with the men who treat you the best.

Now, you probably know – and routinely reject – nice guys. Their greatest faults are these: they’re too easygoing, they’re always trying to please, they don’t seem manly enough, and they’re not going to put up an argument because they want you to be happy.

How awful!

Have you been holding onto the ghosts of boyfriends past?

It’s time to let go by learning why he’s gone and what YOU can do to move forward…

Contrast that with the flaws of the alpha male – who can be condescending, aloof, emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, and self-obsessed.

Hmm…which guy seems like a better bet?

I know – but there’s this FEELING of ATTRACTION when you’re around an alpha male. And it draws you in every time. Why can’t one of these guys turn into your husband?

Well, you can never say never, but don’t you think that if alpha males were really good long-term prospects, you’d have landed one by now?

I want you to look back into your own dating history and replay all your most meaningful relationships.

If you’re anything like me, you’re at peace with your past. You can see why you dated certain people at certain times, but there’s really not anybody that you’d take back.

That’s the way it should be.

If you DO have someone you’d consider taking back, ask yourself if you’d take them back as they were – or would you take them back only in an idealized fantasy way?

Generally, you’d only be inclined to take the people back who DUMPED you.

I remember feeling like a couple of my girlfriends could walk on water. I would have done anything for them. But one dumped me after 6 months. The other dumped me after 3. And while both women were certainly impressive, I definitely overestimated them.

Have you been holding onto the ghosts of boyfriends past? It’s time to let go by learning why he’s gone and what you can do to move forward…

I’d like you to think about a man that you loved who hurt you. I’m not suggesting that this man is bad. I’m saying that you’ve given him WAY too much credit.

First of all, your future spouse doesn’t DUMP you.

Right there, that’s a character flaw. If relationships are about feeling safe and accepted, it’s hard to feel that when you’ve been dumped. You still might be in love, but that doesn’t mean that he is a good long-term prospect for you.

Second of all, your strong positive feelings usually cover up the negative ones. Which is how you could be genuinely in love with a man who is verbally abusive, who doesn’t call, who tells you how you need to change, and who isn’t emotionally available.

Looking back, if I had MARRIED some of the women that I THOUGHT I wanted to marry, I’d have ended up with partners who were selfish, jealous, temperamental, and judgmental.

I didn’t realize this until years later, when comparing them to my wife. Maybe I was less “whipped” on my wife, but she was far less selfish, jealous, temperamental and judgmental than my exes. In other words, she was a much better match for me.

When you’re insanely attracted to someone, you tend to ignore his bad qualities.

And if you end up MARRYING that man out of passion, well, guess what – you’ve bought his bad qualities for life. Congratulations on your passionfest. Have fun fighting.

Believe it or not, I’m not here to tell you that all alpha males are jerks and commitmentphobes. I WILL tell you, however, that the alpha qualities that attract you are the very things that create conflict in your life. Alpha males assert their wills, work hard, play hard, like to conquer, and have enough ego to fuel a rocket ship.

The alpha qualities that attract you are the very things that create conflict in your life.

…So instead of going for the short-term sugar high that always results in the same exact crash, start thinking of what’s healthiest for you in the long-run.

You have to be willing to be #2 with an alpha.

And if you’re not wired that way – if you’re looking for true equality – you’re a lot better off finding and appreciating a man who wants equality as well.

That would be the nice guy who doesn’t excite you as much.

You spend so much time looking for someone who dazzles you and not enough time looking for someone who is dazzled by you.

Partnership is about finding someone who thinks YOU’RE worth sacrificing for. If you’re the one making all the sacrifices because he’s too stubborn or egomaniacal, you’re just going to build up a lot of resentment. As you can already see.

Attraction and chemistry are great relationship starters, but compatibility and compromise are the things that allow you to sustain it.

So instead of going for the short-term sugar high that always results in the same exact crash, start thinking of what’s healthiest for you in the long-run.

Chances are it’s not the guy you’re most “attracted” to. It’s probably the guy you’re most compatible with…

Ready to break the patterns of the path and find a man who’s ready for commitment?

Click here to learn about my Inner Circle, in which I’ll personally guide you into a relationship in a matter of months…

Join our conversation (85 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 31

    I like being #2 in a relationship so I couldn’t go with a nice guy. But I have been involved with enough alphas of varying levels of attractiveness, and there’s one thing I know. They are picky. Once they’re into you that’s it but it would take a lot for it to get to that stage. These guys have said I’m hot, a good person, intelligent, funny etcetera but have never taken the final step of making more of a fixture. It doesn’t even matter how many options these guys have in reality. It’s the perception that they have options which drives them. They want women who can keep up with them and they don’t consider submissive women enough of a challenge. It’s very difficult to navigate this. I can’t find nice guys attractive enough because I have a strong pull towards polarity of sexual roles, traditional masculinity and dominant male characteristics due to my upbringing. Alpha males aren’t bad guys. They actually have a lot of respect for women. They are simply choosy about which woman they pick because they are self-actualising and their pride makes them think they can go for anything in life, including women, and get whatever they want. Every day is a mission.

  2. 32
    Karl R

    Lucy said: (#31)
    “These guys have said I’m hot, a good person, intelligent, funny etcetera but have never taken the final step of making more of a fixture.”
    Have you ever given a compliment to a beta guy. A “nice guy” as you’re describing them? Maybe he was a physically attractive man, smart, funny, a wonderful person … whatever best describes him.
    After giving him a compliment, did you suddenly have the urge to have a relationship with him? Did you see him as being the equal of the masculine alpha with more drive and more sexual polarity? I’d be willing to bet that you didn’t.
    Lucy said: (#31)
    “It’s very difficult to navigate this.”
    I’ll make it easy. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
    About four years ago I went on a date with a very attractive woman. She was also a genuinely sweet, kind and caring woman. However, two hours into our first date, I decided I never wanted to date her again. It doesn’t matter how many sincere compliments I give her (and she has some very good qualities), I’m not changing my mind.
    Believe their actions, not their words. It’s that easy to navigate this.

  3. 33

    if your definition of attractive is a man who likes having options when it comes to women then this may not be helping you.
    i also question how much these men respect women. Is it all women? What kind of women? How does it manifest itself? I wouldn’t issue a blanket statement and say I respect men.  I’d only say that if I had a very one dimensional view of men or was trying to impress them, or didn’t know any very well.
    you say they don’t like submissive women and want a challenge. but they won’t make you a fixture. So I guess once the challenge was won they disappeared. It almost doesn’t matter who the woman is. They aren’t really interested in her no matter how hot she is or smart etc, they are interested in the conquest. And then what? Or maybe it,s you who wants the challenge, rather than someone who will simply love you and is trustworthy. 
    If  these men were making you happy, go right on ahead but I sense disappointment and frustration.

  4. 34

    @Karl and marymary –
    Your words make a lot of sense to me. Thanks. I was lamenting a guy I’ve been heartbroken over recently, not being able to impress him. He is very demanding. He wants a challenging woman who runs marathons and that sort of stuff so I wasn’t going to fit into that role nor produce the ‘spark’ he said he wanted. Oh and I don’t see as attractive a man who has options above any other guy. I think men who think they have options, regardless of whether that is true, are harder to snag. I met this guy online. I’m convinced meeting men in real life is easier. But he taught me something about what alpha males want and it sure isn’t me at the moment. I need to step up to the plate.
    The thing is that this guy is not really someone I’d see as particularly alpha in real life. It’s just his manner of thinking which came up when talking to him. Initially he was quite awkward with me. Although I’m not vain enough to expect him to like me straight up.
    Yes I would like a trustworthy man who loves me. But it’s hard. I’m very feminine, more than most women. I go for a lot of polarity which actually manifests in my sexual predilections. One of my friends told me I remind her of the female lead in Fifty Shades of Grey (not that I’ve read it). 
    But you might be right about something. I seem to have a habit of being most intensely attracted to men who are unavailable to me, and less attracted to the men who act like my friend. Maybe part of this is due to having an emotionally distant father. I’ve got a bit more mature recently but I hope that my tastes become more realistic as I pass through my twenties.

  5. 35
    Seriously Speaking

    well there are many of us men too that seem to be attracted to the wrong women.

  6. 36

    @SS 35 –  What kind of “wrong women” are you attracted to?

  7. 37

    Now that more and more men know what women truly want, and can’t help what they want, since it’s in their nature to want a strong masculine man, why can’t they just man up? And women should woman up, so that the gender roles becomes clear again..
    I’m still not sure I’ve got what “alpha/beta” means, is it alpha= masculine, beta=feminine? It’s very painful for women, especially feminine women, which is the majority of women, to date/marry another woman(beta man)..I don’t think women expect a “leader of the pack”, but he should at leat be a masculine man, not a sensitive pleaser boy. It’s really difficult for me to accept that I cant find a man who is masculine and marriage man, and yet is not a weak man. I just found about another thing called “taken in hand”, it’s about women let the man know what she expects of him, so they agree that both go back into their true on google :p

  8. 38

    Well I think I have the opposite problem. The guys I date are usually beta nice guys who most girls around them don’t find exciting enough to date, and just to be friends. I was raised to appreciate “nice” guys, and taught that alpha men are too controlling, like to criticize, all the things that Evan mentioned here. Betas aren’t attracted to me enough for relationships. The ones I meet want a woman to put them in their place, be loud and want me to take more charge.

    I’m assertive but not aggressive. Successful but my career doesn’t dominate me, I don’t feel I have to be the center of attention, overly charismatic etc, nor I do brag about my accomplishments to men endlessly. I’m probably more “beta” than alpha so maybe that’s why beta men aren’t interested in me? Is there such a thing as a “nice” alpha guy? lol I think that’s what my complement would be.

  9. 39

    I was attracted to a guy when I was 16yrs whom hurt me by telling everyone I had slept with him when I didn’t. I ended up settling after him at 17yrs for a nice guy whom later turned violent because of alcohol abuse. I realize now after 16yrs and 3kids that I was too young to settle for a nice guy. I lost all feelings for him maybe 10yrs in the relationship and for six years I went through the motions because I had already invested my time,  gave me three children and overall had taken 10yrs of my life that I had actually been hapy somewhat in. But I couldn’t go on, 6yrs of losing yourself is not the way to live. So we ended it and currently I’m dating a guy 9yrs younger than me whom I’m highly attracted to as is he. When we’re together he does try to he is the most wonderful man,but he does have a few of the alphamale qualities.  So far it hasn’t affected me because it’s early in the relationship.  I know I probably should end it but I can’t help it because finding a nice guy my age is hard to do.

    1. 39.1

      You sound like you’re what…34 years old?  So you’re telling me at 34 you can’t finfd a nice guy?
      Oh boy, if that’s the case there’s no hope for those of us that are older!

      1. 39.1.1

        Yes 34. But the thing with me is that I look 24(hence my current guy) and well everytime that a guy my age talks to me I always have to show my id to prove my age. It’s a good thing but it does hinder from finding someone my age or older. Sometimes I can meet a 40yr and he’s thinking he getting to talk to a 20yr but they find out I’m 34 they lose interest. Whereas younger guys are actually more open to dating me despite my age. Sooo there are nice guys out there I just haven’t found the right one yet.

  10. 40

    Alpha and Beta lol. Both are controlled by women. Both are useless. I don’t know how people actually get bogged down in these labels. For me, I couldn’t take a woman seriously. That’s probably why I’m single.

  11. 41

    Here’s the problem… I can’t get naked with someone I’m not physically attracted to. I’m seeking a counterpart. If I’m in shape he needs to be and at 43 I see a bunch of men who are nice but are soft in the middle. I decided after being married at 27 separated by 39 that while the idea of being in a serious relationship is certainly more in line with my vibe, I’m at an age where younger men are more appealing physically. Not to mention, they don’t have kids (I’m childfree and don’t want to deal with kids, at all) the only problem is that it’s all for fun which bores me. I mean I want a deeper connection. I just want it with a total go getter who is alpha and yes, I want to be “the woman behind the man.” I was always such a leader navigating my marriage. It would be nice if a man took the lead and made me feel special but not as if it’s the Lisa show. I had that. It doesn’t help you grow and it only adds fuel to an already alpha self absorbed mind. The best thing for an alpha bitch is a stronger alpha male who knows if she’s strong in life in the outside world he is her king behind closed doors.

    1. 41.1
      Karl R

      lisa said:
      “If I’m in shape he needs to be”

      That’s a perfectly understandable viewpoint. It’s certainly not outrageous for me to want someone who is my equal (especially in a trait that’s important to me). However, I realized that attitude would sabotage my ability to find a good partner.

      Intelligence is very important to me. If you believe the results of standardized tests, I’m a genius. Back when I was given those tests, I would tend to outscore about 75% of the geniuses.

      If I want to date a woman who is a genius, I’ve ruled out 98% of the population. And that’s before deciding whether I find her physically attractive, whether I can stand being around her, whether she’s mentally stable….

      If I was that picky about my partner’s intelligence, I wouldn’t have dated much. I certainly wouldn’t have dated and married my wife. She’s easily in the top 20% of the population. Maybe in the top 10%. But she’s not my equal.

      The more physically fit you are, the more you’re undercutting yourself by trying to find your equal. If you’re just a little above average fitness, you can probably hold out for your equal. If you’re in the top 1% of the population for physical fitness, you’ll probably have to settle for someone who isn’t.

      lisa said:
      “at 43 I see a bunch of men who are nice but are soft in the middle.”

      That’s biology. Most men carry most of their body fat in their midsection. Most women carry most of their body fat in their breasts, hips, butts and thighs. If you’re going to insist that the man has less body fat over his abs than you do, then you’re not holding out for your equal. You’re holding out for someone *superior* to you.

      You’ve spelled out (quite clearly), that you want a younger, physically fit, childfree, alpha total go-getter.

      *Most women* would like to be with a man like that.

      Why would a man like that want to commit to a long-term relationship with you? He can have almost any woman he wants. Heck, he can have several women at the same time. (Which is why you keep ending up in “it’s all for fun” relationships with these men. They can have a “for fun” relationship with you, and they don’t have to give up their “for fun” relationships with other women.)

      lisa said:
      “The best thing for an alpha bitch is a stronger alpha male”

      Okay. So what?

      What do the stronger alpha males think is the best thing for *them*? If they don’t believe that the best thing for them is “an alpha bitch”, then they’re not going to date one.

      Remember, these are the men who have lots of options. They’re going to take the one that appeals to *them* most. Not the option that appeals to *you* most.

      1. 41.1.1

        So is your suggestion to settle? Or to stop working out and looking for people who share my desire to live healthily. This is no different than being a non smoker and lowering the standard to date a smoker as opposed to being alone.

        I’ve been married. I am currently separated. My husband is 44 and puts most 32 year olds to shame when it comes to fitness. We haven’t filed for divorce. I have a special manfirend, a male confidant who is in great shape, intelligent and kind. So I’m grateful. However… I’m grateful for an expression my grandmother shared with me as a little girl, “better alone than in bad company.”

        My husband is adoring but we married young and we need to both grow independently. Not sure what divinity holds for us but right now we’re living 3 blocks away from one another. The issue is mainly financial (at least it is for me). Both my husband and I have been in a financial funk since 2009. It’s been a journey. There’s a lesson in it. He can live wherever he wants. We don’t have kids. There’s nothing holding us together except for our 22 year bond.

        All men are compared to him and now the manfriend. So I figured I’d offer some clarity.
        1. There are in shape men out there who have their careers on point like my manfriend and
        2. While they can choose to be with any woman, every person is unique so ladies reading this…
        3. Don’t let any man tell you to lower your standards and make you feel that you are wrong for wanting what you offer. If you work out, read, better your mind and body and are kind to people then you must absolutely HOLD OUT for a counterpart.

        Thanks for sharing your story Karl. I’m sure your wife would love knowing you think she’s second to you and married to a “type” that I call “the intellectual snob.”

        So many men intimidated by a woman who says she wants to be physically attracted to the man she’s with. Perhaps a blog article to explore that!

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Sorry, Lisa. You are a victim of black and white thinking.

          Evidently, having a husband whose fitness puts most 32-year-olds to shame didn’t keep your relationship together. Right?

          So instead of insulting Karl who values his wife for other reasons than “99th percentile in standard fitness tests,” perhaps you should heed his wisdom.

          No one ever said you should be with someone you’re not attracted to. However, if you’re only attracted to hot younger men, and prioritize fitness over, say, character or financial stability, you can’t be too surprised that you continue to struggle with love. Karl (and I) compromised our way into happy marriages. You seem to equate compromising with UNhappiness. That definition – or the inability to see nuance in what I’m suggesting – explains your frustration and anger at this post.

        2. Karl R

          lisa said:
          “So is your suggestion to settle?”

          I would call it compromise.

          I could find a partner who is more attractive than my wife.
          I could find a partner who is more intelligent than my wife.
          I could find a partner who is more sexually adventurous than my wife.
          I could find a partner who is funnier than my wife.
          I could certainly find a partner who is younger than my wife.
          If I searched long enough, I could probably even find a partner who is easier to get along with than my wife. (That would be the tough one, but I’m reasonably certain I could do it, given enough time.)

          But I’m damn sure that I can’t find someone who is better than my wife in all of those traits. In finding someone who is better in one or two ways, I would also find someone who was worse in one or two ways.

          Unless you’re the most amazing woman in the world (in every possible way), you’re not going to be able to catch and keep someone who is the most amazing man in the world. He’ll be smart enough to know that he can do better.

          So you’ll have to make some compromises. Pick the ones that you’ll find the easiest to live with.

          And I agree with your grandmother. Be happy being single (or learn to be happy being single). That way you’ll never settle for anyone who doesn’t make you happy. You’ll already know that you can do better than that.

          lisa said:
          “I’m sure your wife would love knowing you think she’s second to you and married to a ‘type’ that I call ‘the intellectual snob.'”

          That’s hilarious. You want a man who is at least your equal, but you would find it offensive if he actually believed he was superior to you.

          My wife is attracted to intelligent men. Extremely intelligent men. She’s not interested in men whom she considers her intellectual equals. All of her boyfriends have been more intelligent than her. Of all of the men she’s dated, I’m far from being the most intelligent. I’m simply the easiest to get along with.

          But here’s the big secret:
          If my wife had been willing to compromise and date men who were a little less intelligent, she probably would have been able to find someone a bit nicer than me (and find him much earlier in her life). Instead, her ex-boyfriends include jealous men, neurotic men, men who treat everyone as their inferiors (including her), philanderers, men who were happy to sleep with her, but would never consider a serious relationship with her because she was the wrong race or nationality….

          She chose the trade-offs that she was willing to make.

  12. 42

    OMG!!this article explains why i’m still single! it makes sense now finally! I never realized that ive always been attracted to the “alpha male” the manly man who presents somewhat of a challenge for me. Maybe like men I too am attracted to the thrill of the chase but after a while that chase gets exhausting and depletes you but ive always found alpha males to be more attractive and confident and when im with them I just feel more beautiful and feminine.. I think that’s a major factor-the more alpha the man the more masculine the male and in contrast that makes a woman feel more well..womanly and feminine. But yeah looking back these “relationships” never go so well. At first they’re exciting and exhilarating but after that they become draining and start bringing out your deepest insecurities and after a while literally start to bring out the worst in you. And as Evan says they are narcissistic stubborn men who will never put you first. And my experience is that they are liars and master manipulators who claim to be such “nice” guys but their actions are anything but nice and gentleman like. This is so enlightening! Thank you soooo much Evan. I always knew what I was attracted to and I believed that by making myself as attractive as I could possibly be I could attract more of these alpha males but I realize now that these are not the type of men I should want to attract because they are selfish/stubborn/narcissistic/jerks/douchebags/commitment phobes..and the reality is they will never make a woman truly happy because they put themselves before anybody else. I guess I need to really start looking more closely at the men who are interested in me who may not be exactly what I want but at least would treat me with some respect and not completely ruin my self esteem and feelings of self worth because they are screwed up ladies! so messed up and yet they somehow leave us feeling like there is something so terribly wrong with us. I think as women our intuition will always guide us in the right direction and there will always be a little voice that tells us if we should stay away from him. If we choose not to listen to that voice then we are setting ourselves up for being burned and feeling used and discarded. Thanks for the work that you do Evan, I love visiting this site. And I enjoy reading others comments.

  13. 43

    WOW! Karl proved my point… intellectual snob. Glad your wife loves what she got. Good for you. I’d tell you to get over yourself and would be instantly turned off but who cares. You found a woman! Blessing and love.

    Evan did you read my response. I’m not single. Hardly! I’m legally married, separated and dating someone for 7 months. Oh and both men are in great shape AND intelligent. One is just more financially stable than the other. The way I see it I’m blessed. I have two great men in my life who care about me. Lucky me!!

    In a sea of average I managed to find the love of my life (the husband) and… guys, again didn’t you read what I wrote. I clearly said my husband and I married young and when you don’t learn about who you are at 25 when you’re 40 the lesson comes a bit harder. This is why I suggest that no one get married unless they want children and family and that whole cookie cutter lifestyle otherwise really, what’s the point? Perhaps another topic for ya.

    The way I see it is I’m 44 blissfully childfree with a handsome, smart, kind manfriend and a husband who chooses to be in my life when he doesn’t have to be (another point I made that was totally overlooked because you two ego maniacs couldn’t get over my comments about wanting a man who is in shape and the other comment about intellectual snobbery – more your issue if it struck that much of a chord don’t ya think?)

    Look, I know a lot of men get their BVD’s in a bunch when a woman articulates what she wants and knows what she brings to the table on multiple levels. The guy with the gut gets offended when I say I want a hardbody, the broke ass dude gets offended when I say I want someone who is not just financially stable but a total go getter. The guys who have kids get offended when I say my ideal guy is a childfree orphan with a vasectomy or family that lives no less than a one hour car ride away.

    We all want what we want and miraculously there is someone for everyone. So stop telling people what they should and shouldn’t want. You aren’t them.

  14. 44

    Alpha male:

    Handsome, calm, reserved, not looking for attention, quiet confidence, humble, kind, warm, loving, charismatic, charming, sweet, sexy, smart, creative, imaginative, romantic.

    Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks,

    All things I have been told by men and women… Including being Alpha…

    When I show up, and there are a bunch of these tool jocks yapping their mouth, they quickly quiet down once they realize they aren’t being true to themselves… Which is what alpha really is, isn’t it?
    Speaks when he feels he needs to, assertive (NOT AGGRESIVE), kind, helpful.

    Do I purposefully hurt women? No. When they ask what I’m looking for, I say that I’m working on myself and not looking for anything serious. 2 months down the road, when she wants to get into a relationship I decide if I see her as GF material…

    You don’t think that the Alpha Male is the one choosing his women? The second I hear a women say, “Well, this is why I can’t ______” (Victim Mentality)
    Not gf material… Become an alpha woman, and an alpha male will most definitely treat you right… Show him your worth his time, if he doesn’t see it, he isn’t an alpha male.. he’s a tool. Alpha males seize opportunities.

    Now a girl tells me she is going to school and has a plan in life, that is a totally different story… 2 months down the road I will enter a relationship. Does she travel? check. Does she cook? check.
    does she have a good relationship with her family? check. Does she have lots of girlfriends? check
    is she more reserved? check. Is she doing something in life? check. Following her passions and dreams? check.

    Now for guys that share my mentality, it get’s tough… Because a woman like the one mentioned in the paragraph above might move to Europe in pursuit of her dreams. See the flip-side?

    Alpha males are progressive thinkers, positive, charming, confident, winners…. If US REAL alpha males find women that aren’t stuck up, disagreeable, unfaithful, snobby, and/or play hard to get (which FYI, is incredibly unattractive) they’d be by our side happy as can be… Every king needs his queen.

    1. 44.1

      This is one of the comments that has made most sense to me. The term “Alpha Male” is being used to mean “Alpha Jerk Maximus” or a “wild bad boy.” I’ve met many men, and what I’d describe as an alpha male is a great guy who most of the time has positive qualities in his personality. I said “most of the time” because we’re all human and we all have weaknesses and off days.

      I’ve met “nice” guys who try so hard to be friends with women, but then I’ve heard them practically “whine” about being friend-zoned by all these women. Women are not dumb and can usually see when a guy pretends to be a buddy when he actually has other intentions. Be true to thyself, that’s the best we all can do to find a good match for our particular personality type. Let’s be honest about who we are, and let’s be okay with ourselves first, before we can expect others to be okay with us.  
      I don’t believe in the alpha, beta, babe, hot, this and that titles because they’re all subjective.


    2. 44.2

      I think I replied to the wrong post. WHOOPS! But I agree 110%!!

    3. 44.3

      Finally. Someone who understands the true meaning of Alpha Male. Thank you for that.

      I don’t know why everyone these days thinks that a**holes are Alphas. (Same goes for women (the queen b**ch is generally not an Alpha female, yet most people will consider her such).

      What most people tend to consider “Alphas” are people so insecure, they constantly have to prove something to themselves and others. Their often rather “nasty” attitude is mistaken for confidence.

      I’ve had the pleasure of knowing a few, true Alphas in life (male and female). And no – they didn’t have perfect faces or bodies (although some do). But they had tremendous strength, with their values and morals being the strongest part (although most of them were also physically strong).

      I would like to add protective to your wonderful list of Alpha attributes. After all, what good is an Alpha male (or female), if they cannot protect their herd/pack/flock, etc. Not just physically, but in the decisions they make.

      I guess compassionate, considerate, able to make decisions to benefit others should be added to the list also. Seems to me people tend to describe the total opposite whenever they describe an “alpha.”

      The “Alphas” people describe certainly wouldn’t last long in nature.

      To Lisa: Your last sentence described things absolutely beautifully. It is a wonderful thing when a strong woman (if prefer the term “Strong” to “Alpha”, since it isn’t as easily confused) finds the one man she doesn’t mind “bowing” to, because he is her male equal. And he will absolutely respect her for being alpha in public.

      I don’t quite understand why you are being criticized for asking for a partner who is in equal physical shape as you. Men (not all, I know) are forever expecting women to aim for physical perfection. So how come it is not acceptable for a woman who is in great shape to ask for the same in a man?


  15. 45

    It is very sad that many women today make very poor choices with the wrong men, and many good men like us are always left out.

    1. 45.1

      I concur. It’s also sad that men make very poor choices when it comes to women and many good women are left out. 

  16. 46

    What you fail to see is that you project physical snobbery, as opposed to intellectual snobbery. This is tantamount to living in a glass house while throwing stones  I happen to think Karl made a very reasonable argument.

  17. 47

    I agree with Mr. B… I have gotten to know an alpha male with the exact same attitude. Charming, yet warm & giving. He hates the whole “hard to get” game women play & have stated so several times. I think alpha males vary on a scale from confidence-nice confidence-*sshole.

    I think all men want to settle at some point in their lives… (I could be wrong), but they have been through experiences they are afraid of re-living again. Is it fair to say that some alpha males have TRUST ISSUES? I really don’t know, but I would say from what I’ve encountered with this particular alpha male, yes (I’m not referring to alpha’s in general) – in this case, the WRONG women lead him to having these attitudes.

    He gets paranoid about the fact that I have TWO phones (I like the variety, nothing else), but overall he’s a straightforward & honest man. He knows what he wants & yes, he’s also very picky.

    Regardless of my story, I think it takes a right match to be in a relationship with a man like this. I don’t think a relationship like this would work for a woman who always NEEDS to be right & embraces her feminine energy LESS than other women. I’m not saying that women should be submissive or be a pushover. I’m saying that I think a woman who is more EMOTIONALLY MATURE will be able to handle a situation like this better. Also, opposites don’t attract, people with complimentary VALUES do.

    I believe that if your values coupled with that of an alpha male’s, compliment one another, the better the chances of success in a relationship with him – which brings me to why COMMUNICATION is crucial in the process of knowing whether or not he’s exactly the man you want to be with:

    Let’s take a woman’s values & how she prioritises it for example:

    1) Family
    2) Work
    3) Travel

    The man’s:

    1) Work
    2) Travel
    3) Family

    See how different their priorities are, regardless of having similar values? Priorities alone could perhaps cause a relationship’s failure. This is why it’s important to GET TO KNOW a man’s values before jumping to conclusions. I don’t think all alpha males were born to stand alone. I think it just takes a woman with equal values & priorities to make for a successful partnership, basically.(I’m not saying Evan stated so, he didn’t. It’s just an opinion). I am no expert, hell, I could even be wrong, because I am no man. This is exactly why I’m here. I get confused too! But I LOVE men & I live to LEARN.

    I, personally don’t want children. My career comes first. Marriage is fine, but if it doesn’t happen, it’s not a train-smash. To me, a commitment is enough. It’s already a lot to expect a man to make the choice of being monogamous, so I respect that. I just want a partner in life with whom I can enjoy living life. However, if a man isn’t capable of commitment, obviously it would be unacceptable to me & I would continue keeping my options open, whether he realises what he’s lost or not.

    Again, this is just my opinion & I am more than happy to receive feedback of others’ opinions on it. If I do need change or any alterations with regards to my views Evan, please do help me right. I would only appreciate it, as well as your TIME!

    Thank you 🙂

  18. 48

    i have read many of your articles and learned a lot. This one has stimulated a big question for me, if you Evan or someone else has time to answer it:

    I have made some bad choices with men, but I have also dated some wonderful guys.  I have had one spectacularly bad experience that lasted far too long, but the rest of my dating life has been with great guys, some of whom are still friends.

    Sometimes articles like this make it sound like women are just suckers for punishment with alpha males, so they keep coming back to get treated badly. I disagree. The alpha males are giving them something or they would not be there. One thing that my alpha male was – along with all his crapness – was authentic. He knew what he wanted and he expressed it. Sometimes Inappropriately, manipulatively, angrily, but he expressed it.


    The description of the “nice guy who doesn’t put up a fight”, who “always gives you what you want” doesn’t sound so perfect to me, because real people who are being real and true to themselves do have their own preferences. They do get annoyed sometimes. The must be able to express themselves. The guy who doesn’t put up a fight because he wants to make you happy? What would make me happy is if he could articulate what he wants and we can discuss it like adults. The reason why many non-alpha males come across as unattractive to me? Simply because they either don’t know themselves and what they want, or are afraid to express it and be it. Either way how do I know who I am dating, who is really there under the effort to please?

    What I am attracted, in mend and women, to is authenticity. it is a risk yes, but it is a risk that I also take. What I would love to know is how to find this, with a guy who is not afraid to be himself, but also respects those around him. That to me is the ultimate in masculinity, not how tall or how wealthy a man is.

    1. 48.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I don’t take questions in the comments section, but I’m letting this through. You want what everyone wants. And my answer to you is the same as my answer to everyone else: there is no shortcut for “how to find the perfect man.” You date, you try guys on for size, you learn from your experience, you fine tune. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you or trying to sell you something. There’s no magic bullet. Only practice til you get it perfect.

    2. 48.2
      Karmic Equation

      I’m just going to add something from a woman’s perspective.

      Just because a man’s your bf, doesn’t mean you stop being the CEO.

      Whether you’re one month into a relationship or one year or ten years. If the guy starts failing to meet your needs, and your needs are reasonable, you need to have the courage to let go, no matter the sunk costs.

      Obviously, this is easier if you’re single and childless. If you’re married and have children, the same goes. Be brave enough to call it quits if your needs are not being met.

      What this means is that you have to do your very best to use your MIND to inform your decision on whom to love and whom to marry. Don’t let your heart overrule your head. Especially not in love.

      You have to be more afraid to be unhappy in a relationship than to unhappy being single. The simple reason is that if you’re single, you have the opportunity of finding the right person to love. If you stay in the relationship with the wrong person, you never give yourself that opportunity.

    3. 48.3

      Billy, the way your post reads to me is that you believe men are only available in two distinct diametric categories, total alphas or total betas.

      There are men out there who are what you describe you want.  You simply need to find one.  But don’t assume that he has to show total alpha traits to be like that, or you might just miss him while looking.

  19. 49

    Thank you all for your great answers to my ranting little post. I will try to stick to the rules in future Evan.

    i suppose my post should have been addressed to the guys we want to date, not the ladies. There are all of these guys out there saying why don’t women like nice guys? I agree with you fully DeeGee that men come in all shapes and sizes. I love nice guys. I am seeing a wonderfully lovely guy right now and I love how he treats me. My concern, and why I may end it? We have never had a fight. That is great! But we have never had a fight because he never disagrees with me. It is always about what I want. How can I show him love if I don’t know what he wants? How do I even know who he is?

    So you are totally right we need to break our addiction to alphas. And the nice guys out there shouldn’t be afraid to show us who they are and what they want.

    this is all getting much harder as I am over 35 and want a family….it is harder to break up with a nice guy and think you’ll regret it. I have never regretted breaking up with my alpha. (Have fun with that one, other ladies of the world….;-)

    1. 49.1

      Hi Billy, I’m just wondering, have you talked to this guy about this?  It’s reasonable to want your partner to communicate his/her needs.  However, I also understand where your guy is coming from because opening up to someone like that can be scary.  It certainly was for me.  In the meantime my guy was in your shoes, wondering exactly who I really was beneath that easygoing facade.  He was skeptical that I could really be THAT happy with him ALL the time.  He was right, there really were certain needs I didn’t communicate to him out of fear of looking “needy”.  However, he was really great in making me feel safe to be more forthright, and in reassuring me that I can tell him anything.  Our relationship got much stronger after we worked on this and it made me feel much closer to him.

      I think this may be a communication issue that can be worked on, as we did.  If you do all you can to create that “safe space” for him to open up and he still doesn’t, then well, that could be a dealbreaker.  However, I think it may be premature to throw in the towel just yet until you’ve really had that heart-to-heart with him.

  20. 50

    Thanks Christine for that great advice 🙂

    i have raised it before, and it helped some, but I don’t know that he really knew what I meant. I will try again.


    it sounds like you are onto a keeper!

    1. 50.1

      Sure thing Billy.  🙂 I think you’re potentially onto a keeper if you can work this one thing out, because it sounds like he also has other great qualities too.

  21. 51

    Wooah, my ex was not an alpha male. His attitude was like that. Abusive,feeling handsome but not.  Violent, alcoholic, womanizer etc. My current bf now for 3 yrs is an alpha male but sooo handsome, tall, macho, sexy, good in bed, kind, nice and understanding.  Yes im nr 2 to him but its much better than my womanizer ugly ex.  I cant afford to lose my current bf.

  22. 52

    I’ve read several articles today and the more I read, the more I’m wondering if this is a Matthew Hussey site.  I mean, all I have read is how terrible the attractive guys are and how shitty they will treat you and how women need to change if things are going to work out in a relationship.  If this is true, then there should be a serious decline in good looking alpha males and relationships altogether.  I really find it hard to believe that the majority of alpha females would be searching for a beta male that will bend over backwards for them so they can be run over like a steam roller.  I’m a type A executive at a large computer company and the last thing I need or want in my life is a pussified male that I have to constantly give direction to.  Been there, done that and he’s now the ex who lives with his mother.  Alpha females are looking for an equal in a relationship, not someone who will run over them or that they can run over.  We don’t NEED a man in our life, but rather want one.  There’s a huge difference and no one should ever settle, which is another problem I’m seeing throughout all of these posts.

  23. 53
    Denise Tiara Johnson

    Spending time with anyone who bothers you in any way Is a waste of time and your life.  You have to bring those disturbing lingering criticisms to the front of your brain and let that lead you the Othere direction, And be glad he doesn’t follow you.

  24. 54
    Denise Tiara Johnson

    Edit, typo:  *Other

  25. 55
    Diana Kretzschmar

    “You spend so much time looking for someone who dazzles you and not enough time looking for someone who is dazzled by you.”

    OK but in this case I’m the asshole. This is just a role reversal. If someone is dazzled by me and not vice versa, you’d tell him the same advice. To leave my uninterested ass. Bottomline is you need to have equal attraction or something that blows your skirt up. Both of you. I will never be the same woman with a man that’s dazzled by me than a man I’m dazzled with. Neither extreme is healthy and good! Neither person should be a pushover nor an asshole. You can both have an edge, both be caring enough and raw enough to let all emotions out and still care. THAT is the perfect match for me personally. I recently got hurt by someone who choose to stick with a person that he was unhappy with after some time of dragging me along, pushing him to make a decision. When I finally let go and stopped caring he came around. I ignored him. He kept giving met the same pity excuse story, so I flipped out and ripped him not 1 a**hole but 10. Things I had been screaming my lungs out about but never was heard, and now that he got dumped he did? Oh hell no. To my surprise I got a call and a text the other day, still saying he was sorry and that he kept reading that furious text over and over again. The fact that he reached out after all that, I give him credit. I don’t have feelings for him but that still shows a lot. So my point is, there will be hurt and wrong decisions. He wasn’t the wrong man. Just bad timing, insecurities, doubts and fear even tho we both felt strong. He wasn’t alpha. The next guy wasn’t alpha either even tho he carries himself tough. There’s a huge difference there too. If there’s a genuine heart behind it, and I mean real genuine, not just for when it fits them, I don’t blame anybody for their attraction and sometimes it’s not the man, it’s us pushing too much and also giving them too much credit too soon. Probably one of my biggest flaws, because I see so much deeper and can tell things about a person that they haven’t even displayed yet. So not having expectations…. *sigh* another flaw of mine. The strong person thing is a tricky thing tho and it’s is sooo stupid that men get intimidated by that bc it’s not what most women care about. Affection. Attention. Appreciation.!!! THAT’s what most women want! Regardless of how much they bank.

  26. 56

    This post is very actual for me…

    I’m not sure I dated ALPHA males with capitals, but I always seeked stronger looking men – here watch out for the looking part – who were mysterious. Well, it always turned out the strongness was a mask to hide their insecurities and mystery was just their shitty childhood, divorced parents etc, so all what I was drawn to, was the Florence Nightingale effect – mission to nurture and “save” them.

    I always tried to avoid more feminine men, who look weaker, might like me more than I like them, and are eager to please. Arriving to my mid-30s I re-evaluated my point of views, accepting that my mission was a bullshit, If I want a loving and healthy, balanced relationship I sould try a new concept. I should try and give way to the guy who doesn’t look that appealing – in my case there was still a little attraction just not my usual highs and butterflies – and let him like me first a bit more. So far I can say it totally worked for me – we will see later – this guy I started dating, he is not my sort of guy – still I was thinking as we shared many interests, core values and could laugh, let’s give it time….I did, luckily, now I feel I’m falling for him…he does nothing else but caring for me, communicating with me openly, and offers his heart. It is very refreshing after my ex, who kept his mood swings a priority – if he was down or frustrated he turned into an asshole – and who was so blocked by his own fears and insecurities that was unable to really unconditionally love me….

    It is a level of maturity I guess. We stop picking people who we WANT for people we actually NEED….you might wanna eat a ben n jerry’s but you have lactose intolerance. It gives instant pressure then you can run to the toilet….a banana is a lot simpler and looks less fun, but for the long run keeps your guts in a better shape :))

    It’s not even evil vs good guys….it is just realizing WHY you might pick a certain character, why you are drawn to them so much – here my issue to save lives:p – it is not even about them but more about me. The second I realized that this strategy is not working, they will stay inaccessable and immature – jsut the way I found them – I can work towards more what I need, reliability, maturity, kindness and selflessness.

    Good luck to us all!

  27. 57

    This is hard to write and I may get trashed, but here goes.

    I’m a hard woman to love. I have a “big personality” as friends so delicately put it to me. I’m not intimidating, I’m just “big”.

    My girlfriend’s husband once told me he’d never date a woman like me because there was no way he could compete with me for attention. He’d hate having to take a back seat to me.

    On a ski trip several years ago my darling daughter said to me “Mom, you sure draw attention!”

    My son, who’s nearing 40, hates it when his friends hit on me when we’re out, and it happens often.

    But, I’ve been “not in a relationship” for years. I’ve been online, but, in my area, the guys who contact me are pretty skittish.

    Most of the guys I meet IRL, who are really attracted to me, are seriously alpha guys, but not just alpha–they have a lot of charm and charisma of their own, but are really cool with me attracting people as well. I want to be clear that I don’t just attract men; I attract a lot of women too. And most of the guys I attract are married–not what I want.

    I’m having such a hard time online because I’m trying to pretend to be something I’m not. I’m not a shrinking violet! It’s not about being strong, smart etc, it’s something else.

    I’ve been reading this blog often enough to know I can’t change men, but f*ck, I’m not sure I can change me either! It’s not a question of attitude–I love men, but I am who I am! People are drawn to me–they want to talk to me, tell me their stories.

    1. 57.1

      I know someone via a friend of mine who is as you describe yourself. She is very charismatic and men (and women) flock to her. She is every positive adjective you can think of (gorgeous, funny, kind, succesful etc), and you would therefore think that she would have no problem in the dating arena. The only thing is that she keeps settling down with these quiet, retiring men who think ‘Whoa, this is way too much’. You would think that opposites attract, but in these cases, the opposites are way too big and each party is not able to accept each other as they are. Comfort yourself with the realization that you are at least not making that mistake and that you have the self awareness to be open to men who would be able to handle who you really are. It does make dating tougher, but i am sure you will find the right man sooner or later. Pretending to be a shrinking violet is no fun, and you will just end up with a man who will be in for a surprise when you unveil who you really are.

      I do not have the same character as you, I am more the shy and retiring type, but i also regularly attract the kind of attention you are getting from married men. It can be really frustrating as i do not feel I am sending out the vibes that say mistress potential, but there you go. They start talking about how their wife doesn’t understand them (really!), that they can’t remember why they settled down, that they think I am the best thing since sliced bread, if only we could spend more time together yadayadayada. At moments like these i take a deep breath and say something along the lines of ‘I hope you are able to sort out your differences with your wife’. That is usually enough to make them back off. It’s a part of life and i accept that, but i wish i didn’t have to run across it as regularly as i do.

  28. 58

    Wow, this is truly a depressing article, and yet it does ring with much truth. I too, have had much experience with dating Alpha males. Indeed, the article so accurately describes they are incredibly attractive, and exciting to be around. It is these types of men, that can I have always wanted. I often times find myself out on boring dates with “average” guys that I am not interested in. These guys may be better future material, but I do not want to sleep with them, and they do not make me happy. With this choice I should just hang out with my girlfriends, what is the point of being with a man I will never really love? What is going to happen when I don’t sleep with him for months? Who cares if someone is “nice,” and “love me” if I feel dead on the inside when I am around them? I think the problem with dating the alpha male is just there  is too much competition. You have to be one step ahead of other women to get them to commit…and they do commit. Every single one of my ex’s has gotten married, or has settled into a long term relationship. I agree that if you want to feel loved, and have an equal partner it is EASIER to be with a nice guy, but it is far more fulfilling to get a man you have always dreamed about. If you can get that guy, you can have the best of both worlds. And there are women who do get commitment from these men. I am single at 37 so, I may just need to give up this dream at this point in my life. However, it is something I greatly mourn, and I do not look forward to marriage. Although, I vastly agree with this article it is a very sad one indeed.

    1. 58.1
      Karl R


      You shouldn’t stay with someone who will never love.

      You shouldn’t stay with someone who makes you feel dead inside.

      You shouldn’t stay with someone you will never want to sleep with.


      Don’t conflate a boring date with a boring person.

      You’ve been on boring dates before. Some of those men found the dates equally boring. Does that make you a boring person?

      You rarely see the best in people on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. You don’t have to date someone who bores you, but you may want to give people multiple chances to show how they’re interesting.


      If the alpha eventually settles down, it’s irrelevant.

      The alpha wasn’t settling down with you.

      It sounds like you’re about equal to most of the women who compete for these men. The alphas are happy to have no-strings-attached sex with you.

      You don’t need to be one step ahead of these women to get the alpha. You have to be so many steps ahead that he is willing to forgo no-strings-attached sex with all of them, forever, just to keep you.


      Dreams aren’t fulfilling. Reality is.

      In 2010 I met a woman. I would call her “perfect on paper”. If I had written down a description of my dream woman, she would have matched on every observable criterion. She certainly matched those criteria far better than the woman I was dating at the time.

      Moreover, this “perfect on paper” woman wasn’t in a relationship, and her body language indicated that she was interested in me.

      At that same time, I was about 9 months into a relationship with a woman who was an outlier. Not exactly the type of woman I typically dated, or whom I would initially expect to be a great match.

      But after 9 months of dating, we had a terrific relationship. By far the best of my life. We were spending almost every night together. Even after seeing her quirks, idiosyncrasies and bad habits, she still seemed like a very good match.

      So … Reality … or Fantasy


      After some soul-searching, I decided that I would be an idiot to give up on the best relationship of my life just to chase something that might not be real. My wife and I celebrated our fourth anniversary a couple months ago. I have never regretted my decision to stay with her. Especially as I’ve gotten to know Ms. Perfect on Paper better (she’s now good friends with my wife).


      Find something real … and fulfilling.

      A lot of the “average” guys are like my wife. They don’t seem perfect at first glance. The alphas you dream of are like Ms. Perfect on Paper. It takes a long time to discover the trade-offs that are hidden behind the fantasy.

  29. 59
    Cherry Muehl

    “I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.”:D

  30. 60

    I think women should be allowed to be physically, sexually and personally attracted to their significant other.  Looks are trivial and subjective of course, but sometimes they actually help a lot.

    FYI, its not just good looking guys women have to look out for.  Ugly guys and average looking guys can stray too, and just because good looking guys have more testosterone doesn’t mean they will choose to stray.

    That’s why women need to really get to know the men they are interested in, and pay close attention to his behavior.  If you marry a man only because he’s good looking and thinking you will live happily ever after with him, you’re stupid.  If you marry an average looking guy or ugly guy and think you are going to be living happily ever after with them, you’re stupid.  You are marrying based on looks alone, you don’t understand that a man’s true character isn’t formed on his looks alone, its on personality and background too.

    I think its stupid when society tells women to “stop being picky” and that men can “be as picky as they want to be”.  How about just letting everyone find their own way and stop telling us who we should be attracted to based on the looks of the other person.

    1. 60.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thanks for your comment. Please show me the part of my post where I said women are not “allowed to be physically, sexually and personally attracted” to their significant other. I feel like that’s something you feel you heard that was never actually written.

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