Vanessa Van Edwards does YouTube videos and articles about charisma on her website, The Science of People. I ran across this one and thought it was applicable to dating.
It’s basically 5 ways to make people like you more. They’re all common sense, but, as we know, common sense tends to take a back seat when it comes to discussing dating, attraction and gender dynamics.
1. Use Signaling – in other words, show people you like them! As a dating coach for women, I’m always struck by how foreign a concept this is. Women are told to play hard to get and are prone to acting shy around guys they like, both of which diminish their chance of making a real connection. Says the article: “We are so afraid people won’t like us back that we don’t show we like them at all.”
2. We Like People Who Like Us – The moment we know someone likes us, we like them more too. Why? There is no risk of social rejection. If we know they like us, we don’t have any risk in liking them back. And subconsciously, if someone likes us, we think, “Hey, they must have great taste!”
3. We Like People Who Are Like Us – it’s only one-word difference from the last bullet point but it verifies what you already know instinctively. “When it comes to instant likability, we tend to like people who have similar values to us, similar interests to us and look more like us.” That organically brings us to…
4. Highlight Similarities – people do this all the time online without even thinking about it. “You’re from New York? I’M from New York! You like skiing? I LOVE skiing!” etc. The author simply points out that if you have stuff in common, don’t be shy about emphasizing it.
There’s no substitute for authenticity and confidence.
5. Be the Real Deal – if you do any of the above inauthentically, it’ll probably fail. Says Van Edwards, “Research from UCLA had participants rate more than 500 adjectives based on their significance to likability. The top-rated adjectives had nothing to do with being extroverted, smart or attractive (stereotypes of likability). Instead, the top adjectives were sincerity, transparency and capacity for understanding.” Yep, there’s no substitute for authenticity and confidence. Which is why we respond to some people and recoil from others who simulate the same exact behavior.
Your thoughts on what makes people likeable are greatly appreciated in the comments below.