How EXACTLY Do I Break Up With A Non-Committal Man?

How EXACTLY Do I Break Up With A Non-Committal Man?


I have read your advice on non-committal men. I have done everything wrong. Sleep with him when he wants, clear my schedule for him, revolve my life around a guy who doesn’t do that for me, but he “doesn’t want to lose me”, etc.

I know your advice is: “Walk away and don’t look back. If he follows, you’ll know you’ll have yourself a boyfriend who values you and will follow you to the end of the earth. That is what you deserve. If he doesn’t, then he’s not all that serious about keeping you in his life, is he?”

My question is, what is the right way to walk away? Do I have a “talk” with him? I feel like having a break-up talk is close to the same as giving him an ultimatum. Do I just go away? What exactly is “walking away?” What would be most effective with men?


Dear Eileen,

I must admit, I’m always surprised when advice that I think is straightforward ends up being confusing for a reader.

Obviously, that only means one thing: I’m not nearly as good at explaining myself as I thought I was.

So thank you for reminding me to dig deeper, to straighten out the subtle nuances of the concept of walking away.

He is going to be a great boyfriend and husband for someone. Just not for you.

Let’s paint a scenario that should look familiar to most women.

You’re seeing a guy for the past three months. And by “seeing” him, I mean that you’ve been sleeping with him approximately once a week since the night you met. (If you’re not doing this, the story STILL holds, so please, stick with me.) You like this guy. You like this guy a lot. He’s charming, cute, smart, kind and charismatic. He is going to be a great boyfriend and husband for someone. Just not for you.

And you know this already because if he wanted to be your boyfriend, he’d already be your boyfriend. The fact that he sees you once a week, doesn’t hang out with you platonically, hasn’t introduced you to his family, hasn’t talked about a future, and only communicates by text tells you everything you need to know. This is a dead end.

Now let’s bring this back to you.

I tell you to walk away. What does that mean? Well, let’s start with what it doesn’t mean.

Walking away is not saying, “Jim, so where is this relationship going?” or “Can we talk about ‘us’?” or “How come I don’t hear from you during the week?” or “Am I your girlfriend or not?”

Those are all weak attempts to negotiate with him.

This is not a negotiation. This is a declaration.

Because you already HAVE the answers.

He doesn’t call you during the week because he doesn’t WANT to.

This relationship is going NOWHERE.

There IS no ‘us’.

He doesn’t call you during the week because he doesn’t WANT to.

You are NOT his girlfriend.

This is all obvious to everyone but you (and maybe your equally dreamy and romantic girlfriends).

All you have to say to the noncommittal man – and I’m sure I’ve written this down somewhere before – is this:

“It’s been fun hanging out with you for these past few months, but I’m not looking for a once a week fuck buddy. I’m looking for a boyfriend who is open to a long-term relationship with me. And since, apparently, it’s not you, I’m going to have to say goodbye. No hard feelings. Best of luck in your search. Please don’t call me anymore.”


Why should you take such a strong stand?

Because what’s the alternative? Keep doing this weak-ass guessing game, hoping that he’s going to step up and fall in love with you? Go ahead, give it a shot.

But first, show me a bunch of happily married couples who were fuck buddies for a full three months before becoming exclusive. Fact is: people tend to become exclusive FAST – often within days, but generally not much longer than 6-8 weeks.

If you’re not settled with a guy by then, he’s ambivalent, he’s using you, and there’s no one else to blame but you.

And if, by some miniscule chance, you cut off the guy who really wanted to be your boyfriend (even though he gave NO indication of it beforehand), guess what? He will let you know. And beg you to reconsider. And you can change your mind. And live happily ever after.

Except you know and I know that this isn’t what’s gonna happen.

You’re going to give your little speech. He’s going to look at you with a half-smirk, half-frown on his face. And he’s going to say to you when you’re done:

“You’re right. You deserve more than I can give to you. I respect that. It’s been fun. And if you’re ever lonely one night and want to hook up, please let me know.”

And then he’ll hug you goodbye and you will move on your life, instead of wasting months and years on men who have no desire to commit to you.

You just need the courage to tell these players to piss off.

Find it and you’ll be all set.

Join our conversation (205 Comments).
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  1. 31

    Thank you, Evan.  I have been learning from your articles for over a year and have found them to be invaluable.  I was divorced 19 years ago and decided no dating until my kids were grown and have now found myself learing the ropes all over again in this strange dating scene of people constantly using each other.  This article describes my last dating scenario with a widower.  I gave him 5 months due to his circumstances, which was longer than I should have.  I used your advice above and kept myself from experiencing some real heartbreak.  Thank you for your clear and helpful advice.

  2. 32

    I’ve followed the strategy that says that a woman should not bring anything up about what she’s looking for, and let the man make all the moves, but I don’t think it works. Better to be up front about your own interest in an LTR, than to be in waiting, holding pattern. It doesn’t mean that the LTR is going to be with that particular man; it’s just a statement of intent, and if that scares someone off, they aren’t right for you anyway.
    OTOH, I had a relationship “expert” tell me that the only way to deal with a commitment-phobe was to be even less available than he was, so maybe different strategies work for different situations? She said that one played the hard-to-get game until a serious commitment was made (which could perhaps take years). But do these dyed-in-the-wool commitment-phobes ever get there? No wonder it gets confusing!

  3. 33

    Agree with Amy on both 24 and 28. Asking guys what they want *with me  * specifically has  never  works for me. They always see it as pressure and the answer is always wishy washy.. Like they future talk or say we’re working towards being a couple, etc and it does’t happen.  It seems like telling them what I want for myself and leaving them out of the equation is more effective.  I’m more old fashioned about sex too, I wouldn’t sleep with a guy until it’s been made clear that we are boyfriend and  girlfriend. Because I’m the type of lady who starts to feel a bit more attached from simply kissing a guy, most of the time. And a guy is entitled to want it sooner. But generally speaking if he doesn’t respect  preference to wait til he decides he wants a relationship, he isn’t feeling a strong enough emotional connection.

  4. 34
    Karmic Equation

    I both naturally and consciously reflect the same level of commitment to a relationship as the guy displays. So I’ve never encountered this problem of a non-committal man, simply because if he’s non-committal then so am I.

    And strangely, taking this I’m-only-just-as-committed-as-he-is approach, my guys have always escalated the relationship on their own and in a timely manner. I’ve never had to ask where I stood, because they clearly told me and showed me. It’s almost as if when there is no pressure from me to be anything other than a good guy to me, they realize being a good guy means they should be my boyfriend. Or maybe because most guys want the girls they are dating to be committed to him (whether or not he is committed to her) — my guys feel my reflection of their commitment and realize if they want *my* commitment, they have to step up and give me *their* commitment. And they do. And I never have to ask.

    Maybe it’s my approach. Maybe it’s the guys I date. But whatever it is, the timetables from dating to calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend has been really consistent, anywhere from 4 weeks to 12 weeks.

    If the “label” is important to the letter writer (LW), when the guy is clearly exhibiting devotion to her, tells her he loves, etc., but simply not affording her the label, then she should ask why he doesn’t call her his girlfriend. Maybe he has a strange hangup, like being superstitious that calling her his girlfriend means the relationship is doomed…and he doesn’t want to doom the relationship.

    However, if the guy is clearly NOT devoted to her, NOT telling her he loves her, AND not giving her the label, then she should definitely walk away.

  5. 35

    Amy #28: “The guy will say “why are you so needy?” which for most women, is the worst thing we can be called.”
    Calling someone names is a weak defense tactic that works only against insecure people. (generic) You can only be needy of you are… needy! If you are firmly grounded in your values and your goals and do not intent to force them down someone’s throat, but rather simply wish to discover whether their goals align with yours, there is only one way to do so: asking questions, assessing compatibility, and then either building something together or opting out. Asking questions is not being needy, it is honoring your needs.
    If he does not see your curiosity-based and detached-of-any-outcome questions positively and return an insult to you (calling you “needy” for example) instead of having an adult conversation about your possible differences, you know what you wanted to know: he does not share your goals AND he is not able of having an intimate conversation. But he sures wants to make you feel inadequate and maintain an unhealthy power dynamics between the two of you.
    The reason why asking questions is discouraged is because most women ARE needy. Lot of women are more attached to the (still imaginary) relationship they dream of having than to the actual (real, live) partner they are currently getting to know. That is needy and uncompatible with developing a solid and happy relationship. Another reason is that lot of people are not in tune with when and how to have these conversations. It’s a real art, and requires some practice. You have to have reached a certain basic level of emotional intimacy and choose the proper timing, tone, and vocabulary. Sex sidetracks that process by delaying (or even preventing) the man to feel emotionally connected to his woman while it makes the woman really attached to keeping the relationship going (and therefore less comfortable to ask questions whose answers might conflict with the reality of her physical involvement).
    As Tom10 #27 and Still-Looking #30 wrote, secure men who know what they want and respect the reality of your needs will gladly answer your questions when they come from a place of curiosity and NOT a place of demand or desperation. The men who wants to play the field will say oh-ok-goodbye-call-me-if-you-want-a-f*ck, and the ones interested in a LTR will be happy to discover that their woman is equally serious-minded.
    For me the worse that could happen is not to be called needy by someone who wants to keep me in the grey area and exploit my naivety. It is to live in fantasy land for months or years believing that his “perfect boyfriend behavior” means that he shares the same long-term goals, only to wake up after having wasted years of love and energy on the wrong candidate because I never dared to ASK about his intentions, honor my own needs, and make appropriate decisions based on this data points.
    Tom10 #27: “Non-committal men are masters in obfuscation and excel in the art of carefully threading grey areas.”
    And it does not apply only for the first few months. It can last for years and can certainly involve “perfect boyfriend behavior”.

  6. 36

    @Karmic Equation 34, I think your approach is excellent, pretty much goes in line with Evan’s mirroring concept.  And that is the approach I take now so if it doesn’t work out I don’t really feel drained,disappointed and desperate.  It’s just “next” and being that way is becoming more natural. It does seem as if the noncommittal man situation is more likely to happen when the woman invests herself too soon in a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. And starts acting like she is the girlfriend already.  When I look back at my noncommittal guy experiences, that is exactly what I did, invested too much too soon, stopped dating other guys because I was so excited about him, etc.

  7. 37

    Wow, Fusee, you speak so much sense. There really is SO much wisdom in your post # 35.

    I’d say another thing women don’t do enough of are things that feel good to them around relationships.  They’ll stick around for ages in situations which don’t feel good because their goals and the man’s don’t align, perhaps not feeling empowered enough to search for situations that feel better, perhaps misguided in their attachment, perhaps not seeing the situation for what it is.

    But I like your take, because yes, we deserve happiness in relationships, whatever that means to us, and getting clearer and clearer within ourselves about that is the way to get there.

  8. 38

    I agree, that what Fusee #35 said was spot-on.  Some people are needy, so you should assess for yourself if you are needy or not (there are probably tons of online articles and questionares to help you figure that out).  Don’t wait for someone else to accuse you of it.

    Timing is also very important for asking questions.  If you are already giving the guy everything he wants, then you are in a very weak position and you don’t have a lot negotiating power.  A man can sleep with you, live with you, buy a house with you and not actually love you.  If you just go along for the ride you may find yourself somewhere you don’t want to be, living for someone else’s agenda.

    That’s why, if a guy is calling or texting last-minute for dates, you make your own plans and tell him you’re busy (in a very nice way).  If he likes you, he will step up and call further in advance. If not, you have your answer.

    If you’ve been having sex already but you’re not officially in a committed relationship don’t sleep over regularly (or at all).  If he wants to be your boyfriend he will ask you to sleep over.  Let him initiate the conversation.  If he doesn’t initiate a conversation and he’s gone past your timeline (yes, you should have an internal timeline of how long you are willing to stay at a certain level before walking), then you walk (as Evan so clearly instructed in this post).  When you have a timeline that 2 weeks of sex without committment is fine, but more than 5 is unacceptable and then you stay for 8 weeks, that is being needy.  If you think dating for 3 years before a proposal is your absolute limit but you stay for 4, that is needy.

    When my boyfriend asked me to move in together at 3 months, I said it was too soon, I couldn’t even think of it yet.  Shortly after we had several conversations (all initiated by him) about our relationship and where it was going.  He was very worried I didn’t see a future with him.  I explained that I saw moving in as a step towards marriage, not to be taken lightly.  If I moved in, it would be with the understanding that we were fully committed and moving towards marriage.  I’m divorced and I never want to get divorced again.  I never planned to have that conversation, but I was able to talk about marriage and our long-term relationship plans without sounding needy. 

    Now at 6 months together, we are moving in together this month and I don’t have a single doubt that he intends to marry me.  I don’t feel like a roommate with benefits, or a live-in girlfriend, I feel like his partner.

    I’ve never doubted his feelings for me, he’s always told me how he feels about me, and demonstrated it by being the ‘ideal’ boyfriend according to Evan’s standards.

  9. 39

    You shouldn’t have to ask.  It should be clear because the man takes the initative.  Women should be receptive and not vested until then!

  10. 40

    What amazes me is how difficult it was for me to believe that My Non-Commital Once a week guy really didn’t care. After all, he clearly thought I was worthy of lust ! Why is it so hard to believe the truth when they don’t want to date, don’t call just to talk, don’t call you their gf etc. ?

  11. 41
    The Prodigy

    Evan is dangerous.  He keeps giving all of the game away for free. Sadly to day, he is right and it is a routine I have used repeatedly with much success. But men don’t feel guilty. Know why? Because women were running game and playing with men’s hearts when they were in their mid twenties. Now with 30+ knocking on the door, men have all the power and want to take their time in selecting the right person. But we want to have fun along the way.  Dropping even the slightest hint of interest in a relationship with a woman is like a guaranteed 3 month direct line into her bedroom.  

    If you’re in this situation I can tell you what’s happening. You’re being used as a sure lay so the guy can look for the right woman and take his time getting to know her. All while having a source of pleasure (you).

    1. 41.1

      I appreciate your honesty. This is not offensive in the slightest…it’s unfortunate that it’s this way at times. Yet we all know the truth can hurt; I just take it as a “heads up” and thank you for it.

  12. 42

    The Prodigy #41 reminds me of those guys that keep popping up on Evans site under various ever changing pseudo noms  They were hurt by women in the past so now they want to punish women in general and put us down.
    ” a routine he has used repeatedly “….Sounds like this guy has the same fantasy life imagination……

  13. 43

    You know, Prodigy has a very good point, Kathleen. A number of women may fall into a -relationship- trap, should the guy  just mention the possibility of this happening.

  14. 44

    Kathleen #42, 

    I don’t know why you said what you said… I can tell you that I have many male friends who would agree with the Prodigy #41. In fact,  he totally corroborates what Evan is saying… there are worthy guys, and others who will gladly lead you on (and they might not have been hurt by women in the past). It is your job to say no to the latter. 

    Some people actually think and act as the Prodigy described it. Just make sure you do not accept them.

  15. 45

    *thumbs up* this is the advice I give in the counselling office to my 16 Year old students.

  16. 46

    “Because women were running game and playing with men’s hearts when they were in their mid twenties. Now with 30+ knocking on the door, men have all the power and want to take their time in selecting the right person…Dropping even the slightest hint of interest in a relationship with a woman is like a guaranteed 3 month direct line into her bedroom.  ”
    I agree with Kathleen that this is a total putdown of women. Most women in their twenties (at least the one’s I’ve known, including myself) aren’t about “playing with men’s hearts”, that’s just a b.s. justification of bad behavior. To lie about wanting a relationship with someone when you really don’t is a cruel thing to do.

  17. 47

    Men who will try to lead us on deliberately exist  and there are plenty of things we can do to weed them out,  including saying “bye bye” when he shows that he’s not really aiming for a relationship and just for the bedroom.  Soo I have to disagree with Prodigy saying “men have all the power”

    1. 47.1

      I agree.  I’ve met both a guy who told me up front he was only interested in occasional sex, and a guy who pretended to want a relationship (in a surprisingly short time after we had met) but was really interested in the same.  Some people are honest, some aren’t.  I enjoyed dealing with the first man a lot more than the second one.  It was so nice to be able to communicate honestly like human beings instead of hiding things and playing games which I am not good at and don’t like.  At the end of the day I respected him a lot more than the second guy although I could have neither.
      If you cannot share your feelings with the guy you’re dating, what’s the point of dating him?  At the end of the day it will be our true feelings that will make us leave an unhappy situation even if by silencing them we managed to get into the relationship.

  18. 48

    The reason why I commented on The Prodigys post, (as Ruby was also astute enough to notice) , was the tone of mean spiritedness he demonstrated justifying since women ” were playing with mens hearts …etc”  that now they deserved to be manipulated and set up.

    Many guys aren’t available for commitment. Some guys have attachment disorders , some its timing, some have other priorities, prefer a different type etc… Its been my experience that most of these guys aren’t trying to “pay women back” Ive become very good at observing how guys interact.

    Evans advice has been fantastic and has helped me make decisions easily. So many of the posts are wise and inspiring

     The Prodigy writes like a misogynist. 

  19. 49
    Katarina Phang

    Amy #24: As much as I hate to say it, once we sleep with them, we lose the upper hand so to speak. I really wish it wasn’t like this because I like the idea of complete sexual autonomy. But that tends to be an ideal that does not play out in reality for most women. Sigh.

    Awww…Amy, what a sad limiting belief that is!  And it’s simply not true.  Women hold the power at all time simply if she chooses to, before or after sex.

    Let’s stop all these hung-ups surrounding sex.  It’s simply not end all and be all.  There is so much more to what make and break a relationship/courtship other than sex.  Sex always helps in my case.  It’s all about our attitude.  If you have a positive outlook about sex, you will attract the kind of men who also share your attitude.

  20. 50
    Katarina Phang

    There is too much power struggle I sense here.  Is that perhaps why these men left the relationship?  It’s not the sex, it’s how you think how important the sex is!

    It is important, but not in the way it was depicted by many women in this thread.  Sex is important as a glue, not as a tool for power struggle.  Big mistake.

    1. 50.1

      Talk to the guys. If you put sex out of the relationship, things go well to both party expectation. The guy leaves ealier than usual. Just talk to guys and forget what the pop culture is saying. More crime have been committed in history by men just for sex than any for any other reason put together.
      Remember. When you see you, sex comes to mind 1st before commitment. If we have the sex too quickly then why carry all the burdens that comes with committment.
      Lastly, talk to your father and this. Most women fail because of lack of strong father/male figures in their lives when they needed it most and grow up not undertsanding men. Sex is just like eating burger to men and I bet this is different for you and other women. Just talk to men about it and know how men we thing. Bless you

  21. 51

    This is NOT a put down of women at all. Try to open your heart and ears and listen to what I’m saying without bias.

    For most of us – maybe not you – we tend to go after the wrong qualities when we are younger. For both men and women.  When I was in my mid to late twenties, I wouldn’t date anyone who didn’t keep her nails manicured, have her belly button pierced, and dress in a certain style.  But it didn’t matter, because I wasn’t looking to get married then, I was just having fun.  No one go hurt.  But there were women who vied for my attention who I just ignored because they were too plain, or they were too boring.  Guess what, those are the women that are now married. That had qualities that made them a good girlfriend, wife, and mother. I didn’t see it then because I was chasing the wrong things. But the opposite is true… there were also women out of my reach who may have thought I was too plain or too boring.

    But things change once we hit 28 to 30. Those who are ready to start a family and futre are looking for qualities that make a good husband or wife. Women looking to settle no longer care that you were 3rd string quarter back and not the starter.  They care about finding someone who will commit, be a good husband, be a good father, and want to build a future.

    If you’re still in shape, have a white collar job, are looking to commit, and have the qualities of a good mate, majority of single women are in your reach.  That doesn’t mean all of them are good for you. You might not feel the chemistry or like the values of some you meet.  Some guys will keep moving on. Others will keep that woman around while he continues to look for Mrs. Right. He won’t just say “I want to sleep with you until I find a girl I want to marry” in words. But his actions will.  He’s going to drop hints about the possibility of a future, and that will be enough to keep a lot of women around.   Before blogs like Evan’s and books like “he’s just not into you” women would (and still do) rationalize reasons as to why the guy just isn’t ready to fully commit.  Don’t be that girl. Because most men aren’t going to feel bad about leading you on while they look for their Mrs. Right.

  22. 52

    Kathleen #48:
    Many guys aren’t available for commitment. Some guys have attachment disorders , some its timing, some have other priorities, prefer a different type etc… Its been my experience that most of these guys aren’t trying to “pay women back” Ive become very good at observing how guys interact.
     Kathleen: See, there you already go making excuses for letting a man run roughshod all over your heart. These are just symptoms, not the root cause. The root cause is he just doesn’t like as a long term partner.

    And who said men were out there just looking to pay women back? I said a man may not feel guilty about wasting someone’s time. If I just came up to you and said “you’re attractive, but not what I want long term, will you sleep with me for 2-3 months on weeknights when I’m bored?” you’d probably slap me and say no.

    But if I said “Kathleen, I can’t wait for you and I to go to on vacation together in 6 months! I’m the kind of guy that likes to travel with the person I’m with, how about you?  But hey, I’m out of town every weekend, and commitment scares me because the timing is off.” you’d have me on speed dial, come over at 11pm when I asked you to, and be asking Evan what it will take to help me get over my fear of commitment.  Evan will tell you “the right girl” and you still won’t believe him. I’m just saying, don’t be that girl.

    #24 Amy is right. Read Evan’s “Men go looking for sex and find love” article.  Don’t believe her?  Tell a man AFTER you’ve had sex with him that you want a long term relationship, yadda yadda yadda…. and watch him tell you  the timing is not right, but call him if you ever want company.  He’s gotten what he wanted. And won’t blink twice after you go.

    When a man’s interest is the same as it was before sex, if not more, you’ve probably got someone who is interested in getting to know you as a person.

  23. 53
    Katarina Phang

    The Prodigy: #24 Amy is right. Read Evan’s “Men go looking for sex and find love” article.  Don’t believe her?  Tell a man AFTER you’ve had sex with him that you want a long term relationship, yadda yadda yadda…. and watch him tell you  the timing is not right, but call him if you ever want company.  He’s gotten what he wanted. And won’t blink twice after you go.

    Yes, when women do all that after sex, sure most men will bolt.  So it’s not the sex.  It is what she DOES after sex.

    Sex is only an issue when you make it one.  It’s never an issue for me or women like me.  Men still chase me after sex because I offer much more than just sex.

    What do you offer as a woman?  Ask yourself that question. 

    1. 53.1

      Lol, but if a woman ‘offers much more than sex’, she doesn’t need to sleep with the guy quickly to keep him around anyway. So Evan’s advice of not sleeping with a guy until he’s your boyfriend would still work.
      But I agree with some of the other things u’ve said in the comments I’ve seen.

  24. 54

    Finally I had the courage to brek off with the guy who I was seeing for the past 2 year, on and off.

    First time around, he was hot in the beginning got me to like him, then he was cold and distance, tried to push me away by talking about other women afater he had me, and I did walked away, but with a broken heart.

    7 months later, he made contacts again, I tried to ignore him, didn’t succeed, I thought I really liked him and would like to give him the second chance.

    We met up and end up to be together again. He was a bit better in the beginning, kept contact, called and texted within a reasonable time frame. I thought he has changed. Well, I thought…lol. Then all the sudden, he told me he couldn’t commit, and too busy to have time for me.. blah blah…

    I gave him enough time and space, and was hoping it would get better, but never, actually it got worse, no reply for the texts, and no picking up the phones any more, well.. old pattern came out again.

    Had enough of it, tried to phone and tell him it’s over, no picking up. Had to send a clear message to broke that off, asked him to forget about my number, no reply, surprise surprise. Now I can really see how much he cared about me..

    But I am glad it’s done, and thanks for the article..

  25. 55

    I dated a guy 3 years ago who for the first few weeks saw me often and called, emailed, and texted often.  Then one day that just changed.  He started seeing me less (from several times a week to once) and calls were almost nonexistent.   
    I didn’t see myself as a woman who would put up with that kind of treatment but it is easier to justify it than I would have thought possible.  I excused his lack of interest because I was so unbelievably lonely and isolated in my life that anything was better than the nothing I had lived with for so many years.
    I am ashamed to say I even took him back after he dumped me because his ex-wife wanted him back (four days later she dumped him) and he came back to me.  
    I told myself that seeing him once a week was actually good for me because I was so wrapped up in my daughter and her needs.  I told myself that it was okay that he never took me out because I really couldn’t afford the money for a caregiver/ babysitter for my daughter.  I told myself that it was okay that he talked incessantly about his ex-wife because he was grieving and I should be there for him.  I told myself that it was okay that he was never there for me and that I shouldn’t burden him with all the fear, pain and overwhelm I felt in dealing with my daughter’s disabilities and medical issues.  I told myself these things until I couldn’t any longer.
    Being alone is one thing, being with someone and lonely is too painful.
    I let him go.  Over the last 3 years he has contacted me several times.  In one email he wrote:
    “A big part of why I fell in love with you is because I saw the unconditional love you showered upon your daughter. I told you earlier that I thought you were super human. That was addressing your incredible determination, your ability to pick yourself up time and time again to go on living no matter what life presented you with. I see the strength, the pain and the indomitable spirit inside of you.
    “In two and one half years of meeting women and dating I have never met anyone that could hold a candle to you. It’s true that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever dated. You could clearly see that in the way I looked at you when we were together. But I never would have been able to fall in love with you if I did not respect and admire you.”
    I don’t understand how he could write something like that and his actions could be so clearly different.  I was so tempted to let him back into my life.  But after a few emails he disappeared again.  I didn’t hear from him for several weeks.
    Finally I stopped answering his calls, texts, and emails.  It was just too painful and silence seems to be the only thing he understands.

  26. 56

    There may be some deep part of him that meant what he said to you Lia.  However its more likely it was designed to get you back on the hook because he had nothing else going on.  There is nothing to do with the ambivalent, non-committal male but to completely, totally, unapologetically cut him out of your life.  It’s not productive to keep giving him chance after chance in the hope that it might eventually be different.  It’s too exhausting and painful.  Being without a partner is a much less lonely than trying to be with one who treats you that way.

  27. 57

    Thank you!  You are right of course.  Until I started reading Evan’s blog I was more focused on what was being said by a man rather than what a man would do.  When I finally start dating again I will have a whole new perspective and a whole new skill set!….
    Oh by the way…

  28. 58

    Thanks! I’d never been in a situation like this before so I was pretty confused. Oh, I’m 39 and divorced–no innocent girl. But I wasn’t used to being treated like an afterthought by a guy. Lucky me, I guess. I’ve had real relationships mainly.
    But something was off from the beginning with the last person I dated. We liked each other a great deal and his pursuit was intense. Until it wasn’t, He’d disappear as soon as I gave him my interest. Then I’d walk away, and he’d pursue again. It happened over and over until I said I was done.
    He reached out recently to tell me he missed me, after a period of no contact. He expressed his attraction, we were going to try to work something out…and then he refused to clear the time I was available, or even make a counter offer. As small as that sounds, that was it for me. Everything had been on his terms up until then, so it didn’t come as a surprise, but I was very much at my limit of tolerating the non-committal way he treated me. Around that same time, I found this. It helped me finally send the message to him that while there had been some good stuff between us, I wouldn’t be seeing him again and I needed him to leave me alone.
    Thanks for helping me find the right words to clear my head and get out a bad situation where I wasn’t valued or loved.

  29. 59

    so how long after I walk should i give him to come back?

  30. 60
    Katarina Phang

    Lilly, my client got him to step up after 5 weeks.  After she decided to let go and move on and started dating another guy.
    Raise your vibrations, be a magnet to him and any guy.  That can only be done when you’ve truly moved on.  And stop bringing up the talk as well.  Let him (any guy you date) initiate the talk.
    It’s really simple, if he hasn’t claimed you, you are a free woman and single.  So date other guys.  By you dating other guys actually make you more attractive because you won’t be so focused on him.  Your energy is not the one ruled by longing and anxiety which is a repellent to any guy.

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