How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?

Red haired woman doing a calling pose

Hi Evan,

Firstly. I have very much been enjoying your blog. It’s very helpful to get a moderated forum from an expert. And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.

OK question.  My girlfriend of one year wants to talk to me on the phone every day. To me it feels like I am checking in with my mom. I say “no way, it pushes my buttons.” She says “If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to.” Evan, since you have dealt with many daters and have some perspective, where is this phone call frequency on the range of daters who call each other?

I know it seems nuts, the woman is otherwise great for me, but I can’t get past this feeling.


Dear Hadley,

Thanks for your kind words about my readers. I would have to agree that they’re a smart bunch. They ask tough questions and are open to challenging answers.

Which leads me to the very predictable portion of today’s blog where I challenge you.

So you have this girlfriend who you’ve been with you for a year. Your constant source of tension is that she wants to talk to you every day. You don’t want to do this because it makes you feel like checking in with your mom.

Got it.

Hadley, my friend… If relationships are about compromise, what exactly is it costing you to talk to your girlfriend every day? That’s right. Nothing. The only thing it’s costing you is “being right.” And that’s where most couples stumble. We want to be right. We want to tell our partners how it is — what we do, what we don’t do, how we’re not going to be bossed around. And what for? So your amazing girlfriend can feel insecure that her boyfriend of a year doesn’t really love her? How does this arrangement possibly help you?

Think of it as simple cost/benefit analysis.

Time it costs you to call her to say good night and ask about her day: Ten minutes.

Time it costs you to argue about not wanting to do this simple task: a lot more than that.

Women crave connection. And until you’ve got a ring on her finger and are signing your marriage contracts, it’s very reasonable for her to be concerned about the health of your relationship. The way to reassure her? Constant contact, constant communication, constant affection, constant talk of the future. Let any one of those things go for a day or a week, and I get a letter from her saying, “I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and I think he loves me but doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I’d like.” And you know what my answer to her would be?

If he can’t see fit to accommodate you by calling you every day, he probably doesn’t love you that much.

It may be annoying, Hadley, but it’s a small, small price to pay for a healthy relationship. Pick up the phone and let her know you’re turning over a new leaf.

Join our conversation (146 Comments).
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  1. 1

    First, keep in mind that after one year, you two are no longer “daters.” You’re in more or less a committed relationship, and if you don’t want that you had better tell her so. This is about the time where she’ll want to know where your relationship is going (or at least that it’s moving forward), so make sure you’ve thought about that.

    But if you DO want to stay in this relationship, keep in mind that when she calls you, that “counts” as the “call of the day.” (If she never calls you but expects you to call her every day, well, there’s an underlying issue there you may need to address.)

    If you’ve been with a woman for a year, you two certainly must always have some kind of plan in the works, or something that’s going on in your life or hers that might require a question or discussion – talking regularly shouldn’t need to be like, “um, so, er, how’s it going?”

    Use these calls to get to know your girlfriend – it not only makes her feel more cared-for, as Marc says, but when you really pay attention, you’ll get information that can be valuable to you – she’ll feel like like you really “get” her, and, that can pay off big in, say, the bedroom.

  2. 2

    The girlfriend uses the “if you loved me you would….” line and that’s okay???!!???

    Once he starts calling her every day, because she said he has to, what else is she going to demand he do…if he loves her?

    Geez, ‘girlfriend,’ manipulate much?

    1. 2.1

      I think what his girlfriend means is that “Part of my feelings of love for you involve me wanting to express that to you everyday and have a strong sense of connection with you and good communication.” She’s essentially saying by “If you love me I think you’d…” that she feels that kind of level of connection maintenance and expressiveness (a brief phone call everyday when apart to ask how each other’s day has been) is constitutive of love. Obviously, for some people, they can feel love and not want that level of contact everyday. She’s just offering her perspective of the kind of loving behaviours she values, behaviours she wants to offer and wants him to offer – what she perceives as a behaviour coming from a place of love. It’s not about manipulation, it’s about sharing perspectives of what feels loving to her. His demand that it not be everyday (so it doesn’t feel like he’s checking in with his mum) isn’t about love and expressing love, it’s about maintaining control. Can you see the difference? Her asking for that doesn’t mean she’s going to demand more and more things and that they’re going to increase in ridiculous or unfairness. It just means that this is what she hopes to have for maintaining connection. And you know what? Offering that kind of lovingness without complaint will save him from more stress, hassle, and arguments, more conflicts, from causing his girlfriend pain and from her causing him pain. Why resist on that base? Relationships are about cultivating love and trust.

      1. 2.1.1

        Very well put!

      2. 2.1.2


      3. 2.1.3

        very nise

      4. 2.1.4

        Yes! Perfect! Exactly.

      5. 2.1.5

        We all have phones planted in front of our faces all day everyday Facebook, Instagram, Twitter so this is a 2 way street my friends. It’s just as easy for her to call especially if she loves him. It appears to me as though she’s not maintaining the same level of contact that she claims to be so important just to prove her point, putting all the responsibility on him and throwing it in his face. If it’s that important to call everyday then she should do so on her own accord, that is if she truly believes that is core value to her. Snide sarcastic comments or declarations like “you don’t love me if you don’t” are not going to deliver the outcome she desires and will likely push her partner away. It’s important to lead by example and If she feels that he cannot not live up to her “standards” then she needs to let him go and find someone who she feels will. Her causing him constant conflict, hassle and pain over this issue is making it about compliance and control not about love.

      6. 2.1.6

        I think the guy is just saying he doesn’t want to associate the love/connection he has for his girlfriend with his mom and daily phone call check ins reminds of that. And personally as a women, I don’t want to be associated with a guy’s mom, I’m not there to take care and baby him, I want to be the girlfriend not the mom.

        But from her perspective, I totally agree with Dragonfly’s comment that “She’s just offering her perspective of the kind of loving behaviors she values, behaviors she wants to offer and wants him to offer”.

        I think it’s two separate issues and they are both not communicating and responding in a way that addresses their issues. They’re on two separate wavelengths.

        Man: He doesn’t want to associate girlfriend relationship with mother relationship and at the same time wants to satisfy and address girlfriend’s needs and concerns.

        Women: She doesn’t feel loved because she is not receiving the type of attention and behavior that’s makes her feel loved. Although, this does not mean the boyfriend doesn’t love her, but she doesn’t feel it based on his actions.

        Communication of their individuals needs and desires and discussing a compromise or mutual agreement to amount of phone calling they want to do would be best.


        That’s my 2 cents.

    2. 2.2

      I agree with you. I feel like the whole “if you loved me you would”… is controlling. Love is free. There are other ways to get reassurance. Such as inside oneself.

    3. 2.3

      I think you’re right!

    4. 2.4


    5. 2.5
      Obanor Dorlin

      Shes not demanding anything she is just asking and besides guys should know this if u want to date a lady u should also be ready to have time for her showing her attention will prove to her that he loves her and talking to her everyday would make her know dat he thinks about her and has her her in his mind even when they re separated so u think about that

  3. 3

    “Women crave connection.” You’ve hit the topic right on the head. It’s a man/woman difference thing.

    I can’t speak for *every* woman, but I’ll bet this fits for most. Reassure us with that good night call, check in to see how our day went, just to say hi and you were thinking of us, and it will relieve *a lot* of insecurities. Get rid of those insecurities and you’ll see more of real woman you want to get to know better – if that’s your long term goal in the relationship.

    Have a short and sweet conversation and leave us smiling. Michael’s right, there might be great returns on the investment.

    Please don’t do this to play a head game

    1. 3.1
      Guy Perspective

      It’s a must for guys to check in with the girlfriend, and should he miss a day or so she’ll get disturbed/insecure/worried about the relationship. But if a girl miss a day or so in contact she’ll act as if it were not a big deal, even if the guy gets worried. She’ll just say he’s blowing things out of proportion.

      I appreciate the ladies who DON’T “require” their boyfriends to check in with them everyday, but take the time to check in with their bf’s when the bf hasn’t contacted them that day. I also appreciate ladies who judge themselves by their actions just as much as they judge their boyfriends by theirs, instead of judging bf’s by their actions/inaction (he didn’t call me today. That means he doesn’t love me anymore? we’re losing the spark???) and absolving themselves because they judge themselves by their intentions (Oh, it’s fine if I didn’t reply to him that time, because I had *insert reason here* to deal with.)  

      1. 3.1.1

        …the thing is this whole “checking in” notion is silly. If  one truly genuinely cares about someone they’re close to, how could  they not just simply want or desire  to check on them and stay connected? How could you go a whole day not even hearing their voice or wanting to know they’re ok or what’s going on with them. I don’t get it; male or female girlfriend or boyfriend it doesn’t matter.   It’s abut having that closeness and connection. If  I have to tell my man –  my ‘supposed-to-be-man’, I need to hear from you everyday, #1 me feeling like he has to be the one to call me says something about our understanding. He’s either gave me the impression or done something to make me feel like I can’t call him. But if I have to even question it, we obviously have a different ideas about the kind of relationship we want. But still -either we’re not that close, and he’s not fully committed, or I like him more than he likes me and if that’s the case   and for this girl she needs to take some of her eggs out of that basket and keep hunting.

      2. 3.1.2

        Right?!?! Everyone has a different method of communicating. But these two are not going through a dating phase. They both have been together for 12 months plus. So the boyfriends need to understand the arrangements. But! I also understand you shouldn’t have to have phone talk or any contact 24/7 with someone. Why? Does that person have trust, loyalty or dependability issues?

        If you need someone to call you every day. That might be it. Or I’m totally wrong and it’s just a different method as I stated above.

    2. 3.2

      Yep…you’re speaking for me. I agree.

      1. 3.2.1

        that was not meant for you. sorry the previous comment.

  4. 4
    mrs. vee

    I think what we’re seeing is a fundamental difference starting to reveal itself here. It seems to me, Hadley, that you and your girlfriend differ in terms of how integrated into each others’ lives you think a couple oughtta to be.

    By my experience, this is the sort of thing that starts small and then snowballs into larger issues surrounding commitment and readiness for marriage.

    Underlying her demands to talk with you everyday is a standard of togetherness she may have in her mind. If she’s at all marriage-minded, she’s holding an ideal picture in her head of you coming home to her each day, talking about the goods and bads of the day’s events, and making mundane decisions together in marital bliss. That’s the yardstick she may be using to measure the health of your relationship and looking for interactions that have that sort of flavor to them.

    If, on the other hand, you think your relationship is great exactly where it is right now – and I’d venture to guess it’s one where you “hang out” well with each other; she’s like a a good buddy who looks good on your arm and you have great sex together – well that’s a perfectly accepptable attitude for a guy to have. Except that you and your girlfriend don’t share the same perception of the relationship. She wants to maneuver the relationship to fit her ideals, while you want to do what it takes to maintain status quo.

    So really, I’d say follow Evan’s advice only if your intent is to get closer to your girlfriend in the longterm sense that she presumably hopes for. If that’s something you want too, then recognize the act of calling her every day as a means to achieve that end rather than a chore. If however, you really think that having to talk to her every day is a drag, then I can only imagine how the thought of coming home to her every day must be unthinkable for you. Then I’d say consider letting her go out of fairness to her. You can’t change her either.

  5. 5

    I somehow got through almost 31 years before I heard the following advice, passed to me by someone who’d heard it from their father:
    “Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?”

    Daily calls could merely be reassurance to her, or cozy habit. If it makes her feel better, just do it.

    It does bother me that she says, “If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to” and I can see why that would make you want to do the opposite. The “If you really loved me” line is bullshit. Logically, one’s love does not hinge one one item. If a guy pulled that on me I’d call him on that bullshit before reassuring him.
    (Though I’m not sure that a guy would say it. If he did he’d lose man credibility, prompting me to mock him with, “Are you now the girl in this relationship??” But anyway…)

    To answer Hadley’s question regarding “phone call frequency”: We all have our own needs. No one’s needs matter but your girlfriend’s. Comparing is pointless.

    1. 5.1

      i would rather be right, no questions there, otherwise the happiness is just an illusion, no difference from drugs

  6. 6

    If your girlfriend were a friend of mine and someone who would willingly take advice, I would ask her to read “The Art of War for Lovers” — and learn from it how and why to contain her insecurities, to give you some space and independence, and to make sure she continues to maintain her own life and interests. Even if you two do get married in a year or so, she will need to do that to avoid becoming a clinging violet and driving you out to spend more time with the boys than with her. I would also hand her “Mars and Venus on a Date” to read, so she understands the stages of dating you’re moving through and why she’s turning you off and creating conflict with this “demand” you are justifiably resisting. I suspect that if she stopped asking you to call, cold turkey, and just got busy and seemed happy with her life and with you and what you give her, things would relax between you and you would find yourself WANTING to call her every day, twice on Sunday. It wouldn’t feel like an obligation anymore, it would feel like something you were choosing to do out of love. It would bring you closer, whereas her current behavior is driving a wedge between you. I’d also have her read the original “Men Are from Mars… ” book to understand how she is smothering you with her neediness.

    This is why I am such an advocate of The Rules and John Gray; their approaches help a woman understand that the more you can accommodate a man’s need for independence by not pressuring or clinging to him, the more he wants to move toward you and the more you get the desired behavior of more affection/contact. The majority of women really don’t get that, and it’s sad because it causes so much conflict in otherwise sound relationships.

    I’ve only used the “If you really loved me… ” line in the context of over the top humor, as in, “If you really loved me, you’d end the fighting in the Middle East.” It’s a deadly line to use in a serious context, right up there with “You always” and “You never.” Just bad form.

    I wish you both luck, and if this is the only problem between the two of you at the one year mark (and such a solvable problem with a bit of attitude adjustment on her part) you should have many happy years in front of you.

    Maybe you could try the following script with her: “Babe, I do love you, a LOT. I think about you all the time. I’m crazy about you. I just don’t always pick up a phone to prove it, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong or that I love you any less. It just means I’m off doing ‘guy stuff.’ Don’t take it personally if I forget to call sometimes. If you want me to call every day, I will — but it makes me feel like I’m checking in with the warden and it’s creating some resentment which isn’t cool, so if you will work with me on this one, I promise I will do my best to let you know how cherished you are when we do talk. How do you feel about that?” Not “what do you think” but “how do you feel” (wording is important). And see what she says. Try to get to the root of where her intractable demand is coming from — is it really insecurity or are there some control issues; or are other people telling her that you “need” to call her every day because that’s what their husbands did, etc.? See if you can get to the bottom of 1) why she does it, 2) what need of hers is going unfulfilled by giving you a little more alone time once in a while, 3) what you can do to fill that need without having resentment build up inside you. If you’re mature enough to be together for a year, you’re mature enough to have a loving, two-way dialogue like this.

    1. 6.1

      Thank you for sharing that advice. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. So much so that 4 chapters into Love and the Art of War I just had to interrupt to say thank you 🙂  

    2. 6.2

      Thanks for the tip on The Art of War for Lovers.   My guy and I are long distance and the neediness and constant calling is driving me up a wall.   We’ve been together for a year and not a single day has passed that we don’t talk.   I feel like I am the guy in the relationship.   My life is really full and busy with work, school, two kids.   He’s a bachelor with no kids and just his job.   I am not a phone person and talking 4-5 times a day because I “should want to instead of have to” makes me crazy.   I would rather save it all up and have a long conversation at the end of the day hen I am unwinding instead of trying to cram in a phone call in the few minutes I have before my next meeting or class or appointment.   I just want the mental break of being able to think (0r not think) without filling that time multitasking between whatever else I am doing and a pointless conversation about nothing because he needs to connect.

      1. 6.2.1


        You are busy and I certainly understand your point. The woman I’m dating has a son, went back to Ukraine for her fathers funeral and our communications are brief. I should trust her, pull back a bit yet she did send her itinerary so I can pick her up at the air port this Thursday.

        She also does not like talking on the phone.

    3. 6.3

      ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!   she needs to back off and relax the craziness…

    4. 6.4

      Very good advice. Thank you

    5. 6.5

      Wow, what terrible advice, I don’t like you already and if you were my bf Id drop you like a hot cake.   Your attitude sounds so sexist and chauvinistic to me. Seriously, you shouldn’t give advice cause it sounds like you suck at relationships.   I totally agree with this girl because id feel exactly the same way except I wouldn’t have put up with him (or you) for a year.   If my feelings about how I understand and recieve love (ie: having a caring and loving conversation each day) is so uninteresting to him then why on earth would I stay in a relationship with him!?!?! Seriously! He (and you) are so self centred and selfish you really dont deserve to be in a relationship at all!   And why would u continue to be in a relationship with someone whose feelings you dont care about!?! Friends with benefits?!?! She is not trying to be controlling, she is honestly saying ‘your love for me doesn’t seem or feel real to me because I can’t understand why you don’t desire to spend daily time with me, the person you say you love’.   My love language is ‘quality time’ and this is exactly how I would feel also. And you just sound obnoxious, self centred, uncaring and EXACTLY like the kind of BF I would hope to never have.   Forget all th books she should be reading to justify your selfishness, what books exactly are you reading to extend you understanding and empathy towards women?!?

      1. 6.5.1

        I agree with OverMensBS.   If this guy didn’t want to be cared about, he shouldn’t be in a relationship.   If this guy wants to come and go as he pleases, he shouldn’t be in a relationship.   Couples and married people are committed to each other and they should at least speak to each other every day.   Doing so keeps the relationship alive.   Not doing so leaves the door open for a person to start focusing on someone else.   I am a female who struggles with checking in every day while in a relationship.   I’m old school and feel that a man should do the calling.   If he doesn’t call me, I don’t call him.   I “now” know that makes some men feel uncomfortable.   It’s a double standard that I’m working on getting over.   I do agree that she should just call him when he doesn’t call.   I also agree that she should get busier in her life which will make her less available to him.   He’ll start to miss her and want to call if they don’t see each other as much.

  7. 7

    I dunno. Anytime I’ve ever had a guy get irritated because he felt he had to do something out of obligation it was a sign things weren’t right. And that’s not to say they couldn’t GET right, but if you are feeling like she’s your mom because she wants you to call just wait til she starts asking you to pick up your socks or do the dishes.

    1. 7.1
      James B

      of course things arent right. Hes irritated because its annoying bullshit to be in the middle of something and daily have to stress over getting your neck zapped like a neutered dog because the old bitch is going to be moody if you dont drop what you’re doing to call.   Then when you do call you get it worse because you don’t talk long enough.   Some people have lives and its unnatural and obsessive to enslave another human being with a childish attitude because they arent under your thumb.

      Women are losing sight about what a loving relationship is about because they are being brainwashed by television and feminist concepts.   Men are screwed up in todays society too but I’m pointing out the problem with many women.   They are being brainwashed into expecting certain things be done for them that are not normal human behavior to do. Like hold a stupid device to your face and sit there listening to someone at a predesignated time   all the   time that may not be a good time for you.

      It builds resentment with men real quick.   I love my girl to death but you know what?   Long distance 3 years and this problem has caused an aweful lot of resentment built up inside of me and its sad because I love her so much, she is very intelligent and strong willed and beautiful and I want to be with her for the rest of my life, I miss seeing her.

      There is a HUGE difference between daily human to human contact and the insane expectation of  another individual to be bound to the idea that they must set aside a certain portion from their real lives to sit down and listen into a device for an unknown period of time out of a FEAR created by a brainwashed feminist woman that feels she is entitled to demand how often  and for how long you speak to her

      1. 7.1.1

        James, I understand well what you’re saying about resentment and fear, but take issue with the idea that it’s only women, and feminists at that, who do this to their partners. I’m a woman and my guy is driving me nuts texting me multiple times a day and STILL insisting that we should talk every night without fail. Sometimes these conversations last for hours, I can’t get off the phone without upsetting him, and then when I see him the NEXT DAY I’ve got nothing to say and am often standoffish because I feel so resentful about being forced to  pick up the slack for emotional needs and general loneliness that he’s not taking care of by engaging friendships or building his own self esteem enough. If anything, I’d imagine that a true feminist would understand the need for space and self-sufficiency in a relationship, rather than eternal togetherness without respite, because a feminist has a life outside of her relationship and doesn’t want to be roped into that kind of role herself; she wants a relationship (relating) with an equal, not a daddy or a child. Perhaps your girlfriend, James, is conflating some issues and her misconceptions are clouding your view of the general movement on that account. But I assure you that if she’s needy, the problem is not feminism; it’s her psychological issues regarding emotional self-sufficiency and her lack of understanding of what you need as her partner. And possibly her unwillingness to compromise and soothe herself when you’re not around. Just my opinion.

        1. B.B. Sunshine

          This literally feels like i wrote this. It.s exactly what i.m going through. Plus, your initial B, my name starts with that so i had to respond. My boyfriend, he.s younger is smothering me. I.m busy, i.m an only child personality type,   and i work on things, i read, study…he doesn.t..i.m his hobbies, no reading, one friend he hangs out with once a month…my boyfriend…he calls and texts me about 5 times a day.. sometimes more.   He wants to talk Every Single hard to get off the phone..he.s insecure so he questions why i want to hang up. I started ignoring calls…and would talk at bedtime. He hates it. He pouts. Then a few times i would return a few texts but would not answer his calls until next day. Then, he.s all sad n mad-like. told him there.ll be times we won t talk. He doesn.t get it. He.s the sweetest most loving attentive kind guy in the world and i hate complaining but i.m suffocating.

  8. 8

    Another option: call when you know she can’t answer, just to say hi. She’ll know you were thinking about her, but you won’t really be checking in. Maybe I’m just not that feminine, but I don’t feel like I need to talk to the guy I’m dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know he’s thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.

    On the other hand, you have to do what works for both of you. Since the daily phone call is something she apparently needs, you’ll have to suck it up or she’ll continue to be unhappy. It soulds like she’s taking that unhappiness out on you, so it’s really to your benefit to call. (“If you really loved me…” is playing dirty, in my book.)

    And please, please, please, BeenThruTheWars, throw out The Rules and John Gray! The Rules are an arbitrary system of manipulation for women to use to play “hard-to-get”, and John Gray is painfully reductionist. One size does not fit all, and too many self-help books assume that all women are one way, and all men are another. Complexity and variety are what makes the world interesting.

  9. 9

    Susie said:
    “…I don’t feel like I need to talk to the guy I’m dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know he’s thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.”

    I’ll validate that. I’m the same way. I get used to regular emails and regular back and forth during the day as time permits but daily phone calls don’t work for me.

    Also, I’m one of those people who needs a purpose for a phone call, and something to discuss. “‘How are you?’ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you?’ ‘Fine, thank.’ ‘*awkward silence while we think about discussion topics*’ doesn’t work for me. I even sometimes tell my mother, after phone silence, “Um, did you have something you want to discuss, or…?” and her and I speak a few times a week.

    (For the record, I also don’t like the “Whatcha thinking?” question. 🙂 )

    1. 9.1

      You nailed it.


  10. 10

    Andrea – “For the record, I also don’t like the “Whatcha thinking?” question.” Oh yeah I HATE that one! I have way too many scattered thoughts per moment to be able to choose an appropriate one with which to answer!

  11. 11
    Evan Marc Katz

    Since you guys brought it up, please go to and check out their Great Mate Debate where I’m blogging about this very question this week: “Why do men hate it when women ask, ‘What are you thinking…?’

    My answer should be up on Monday or Tuesday

    Your comments on the Chemistry piece are greatly appreciated.

  12. 12

    I brought up “Whatcha thinking” to be cheeky because it seems like a “typical girl” move that a lot of us women can’t stand.

    It reminds me of a scene in Gilmore Girls that I once saw. In it, Lorelei explained her “million thoughts a minute” thought process (though didn’t refer to it as such). It was basically a mental tangent in which one though leads to another to another until there have been many thoughts in a short time span and the final thought has absolutely nothing to do with the first and there’s no way to even explain them all in a logical manner or without sounding crazy. It was funny, and so, so true. Sounds like Jill knows what I’m talking about.

  13. 13
    Kat Wilder

    I agree with BeenThruTheWars … to a point. That Mars/Venus stuff is too pop psych for me (and Mr. Gray lives round these parts.)

    Your approach — to have an honest dialog — is a great one. One, because she can hear how her demand makes you feel (whe probably isn’t aware of that), two, you can express yourself in a safe, loving space and three, because it opens up communication on expectations. This is huge because if you do eventually marry, expectations seem to multiply like bunnies. Better to start off with an established pattern of being open and honest with each other than doing something to please the other while building up resentments.

    True, it isn’t much to call because you know it pleases her. And, true, you should be very clear about why you hesitate to do that — because she wants you to (like mom), or because you just don’t want to do it. But talking about it honestly is the way to a much healthier relationship.

  14. 14

    Finally a good question from a guy about a really good relationship topic. I hear from guys they’re always wondering what makes women happy – well, here’s a woman telling Hadley what she wants. And if he’s unsure then perhaps he should evaluate what he wants.

    Women like attention. Even if it’s a short, sweet email, it means more to us than no contact for a couple of days. When she says “If you loved me you would….” she’s questioning whether you are truly committed to the relationship or to fulfilling her needs.

    Ongoing contact demonstrates to her that you’re committed to supporting her emotional needs, something women value as an integral component of intimacy.

  15. 15

    Stop worrying about checking in with your girlfriend, and get some real dialogue going with her about it and get to the bottom of it. Then do check in with your real mom and see if that has something to do with your worries.

  16. 16

    ooooo am having this issue with my boyfriend right now actually – yeah i just want to know im being thought about and loved. yes we ARE insecure and if we feel totally loved then e wouldnt need the calls maybe. well done for posting the wuestion – maybe il forwardd it to my boyfriend.

  17. 17

    I agree with connectedness —we want to feel connected — but personally, a 5 minute, a 2 minute call … (at least for me) that says “hey baby i know i am not into calling everyday — but i at least wanted to say i am thinking about you ” beats a half hour, or an hour conversation. Because, that, in my opinion, is connectedness. An every other day 20/30/40 minute call, is normal, and expected. With all due respect, the whole “if you love me you’d call me EVERY DAY” is emotional manipulation. At least, if a guy said that to me, I would feel manipulated, and would be turned off. Nonetheless, not everyone feels that way….

  18. 18

    I now know why my girlfriend wasn’t impressed when I called 2 hours later than expected. I had no idea. My feelings for her couldn’t possibly change in 24 hours, so I feel a little gobsmacked if it means she thinks they could. However, if it makes her happy I’ll try to phone every day. I’d best set the alarm on my mobile though!
    Collectively, thanks for your various perspectives, I hope it works out for you all.

  19. 19

    I’m surprised that no one other than Evan commented on Hadley’s supposition that “And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.” Halfway, huh? ; )

    The words “supposed to” in his question really say it all. No one is eager to do something they are supposed to do or have to do versus something they want to do. Need to do is a gray area as it can be both a want to, and a have to. Those of you who suggested ways he could make it a genuine want or to his benefit, all gave good advice in my opinion. As did the people who said it shouldn’t have to be part of a caveat … Just his girlfriend stating her wishes, needs and wants and then Hadley deciding if he can and will meet them in accordance with his own wishes, needs and wants. Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship as is real communication. I hope you all found a resolution to this issue Hadley – one that worked for both of you.

  20. 20
    Hadley Paige

    Jessica writes “Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship”

    Compromise. Yes, its an important element of a successful relationship. But depending on the expectations of the parties to the “negotiations”, the resulting compromise is not necessarily satisfying for either party. And the cumulative effect of all the compromises may land both parties in the middle of nowhere.

    Modern American women expect/demand more from their significant others than in the past. That is bc (statistically speaking) they are making more money/have more options/live in a society with a bigger social safety net/are more independent than in the past. They need men less (if at all) for support/protection. Thus emotional satisfaction takes a much larger share of the “what I want from him in order to make me happy” pie. Expecting/demanding more means (I infer) that less men will succeed (If I understand the average guy) in meeting these expectations.

    Broadly speaking women love to talk. Men don’t. (ave daily spoken word: women approx 20K; men 7K) Personally, I am tired of talking (and talking and talking) and compromising on seemingly everything. What I want is a woman who (i) largely accepts me as I am; (ii) is happy (or at least content) to get from me what I am willing to give; and (iii) (unless its REALLY important to her) leaves me alone about the seemingly endless minor issues.

    1. 20.1

      If one daily call of 5-10 minutes seems a compromise and something to hard to do then stay alone 🙂 ……. you can have multiple relations with different women and to be honest that all you want is to hang out and be left in peace ….. this is life. Irony is that men wants all the benefits of a relationship but to be left alone like they are single… you can’t be in a relationship and alone same time.

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