The Best Boyfriends Are a Bit Thirsty

The Best Boyfriends Are a Bit Thirsty

The word of the day is “thirsty.”

Urban Dictionary defines thirsty as:

1. Too eager to get something (especially play)
2. Desperate

With that, let’s take a look at today’s article by one Josh Gondelman in Glamour.

“Making a romantic overture to someone often seems corny and awkward and sometimes even a little desperate. That’s because it is. But it’s also a gesture that takes both vulnerability and assertiveness, and those are good qualities, even when they result in rejection. (Obviously, no one is under any obligation to reciprocate anyone else’s thirst.)

No great love story has ever begun without a spark of thirst.”

Thirst is more accurately known as desire. And if there’s anything I’ve learned by listening to women over 15 years, it’s that you REALLY want to be desired.

Thirst is more accurately known as desire. And if there’s anything I’ve learned by listening to women over 15 years, it’s that you REALLY want to be desired.

But you really want to be desired exclusively by men YOU desire and NOT by men you don’t desire.

You go out with a guy on Friday. You have a great time. He calls you the next day to say he had a blast and can’t wait to see you again. You swoon.

You go out with a guy on Friday. You’re bored stiff. He calls you the next day to say he had a blast and can’t wait to see you again. You determine he’s a needy stalker.

Same behavior. Different reaction.

The guy you like is sweet and direct. The guy you don’t like is “thirsty.”

Concludes Gondelman, I met my now-fiancée in person at a party she was throwing (I was invited! I promise I’m not a creep). I asked for her phone number (thirsty!), texted her the next day (extra thirsty!), and figured out a time we could see each other again two days after that (Fast and Thirstiest, starring Vin Diesel!). Now we live together and coparent a rescue pug and are planning a wedding.

Not every story has such a happy ending, of course. Thirst can go wrong. Unchecked thirst is smothering. Unchecked, un­­reciprocated thirst is stalking. But thirst, in its purest form, isn’t about entitlement or reckless desperation. It’s about knowing what you want. And it’s OK to want something or someone openly, without playing games.”

Amen to that. Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.



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  1. 1

    If you meet man and you are not attracted, you’re more likely to assume he is thirsty. You start thinking how am I going to turn this guy away when asks me for another date. Conversely, if you are attracted, then you’ll assume he is not so thirsty. You’ll think he’s lukewarm and you’ll start to feel the thirst. I think “thirst” is more of an excuse for not wanting someone, not the cause.

  2. 2

    So does thirst die out in a relationship? Once u put a label on it? the effort stops?

    1. 2.1
      Karl R

      I’m going to demystify your comment. If you’re sitting next to a jug of filtered ice water, you probably aren’t thirsty anymore. And if you happen to get a tiny bit thirsty, you don’t have to put in a lot of effort to quench that thirst.

      Similarly, I don’t need to expend lots of effort to see my wife naked. I don’t have to expend lots of effort to convince my wife to have sex. The ability to quench my “thirst” with minimal effort is one of the side benefits of being in a relationship. (And if I had the misfortune to end up with a partner who expected extraordinary effort just to get sex, I’d have ditched her and kept looking for a more compatible partner.)

      If you’re in a relationship, you should be putting in some regular effort to keep the relationship running smoothly … not to get some time together … not to get some physical intimacy … NOT to quench your thirst. If your relationship is unable to quench your thirst, get OUT before the relationship becomes more serious.

    2. 2.2


      It took me a while to make peace with the fact that thirst does die out somewhat in a relationship. This is because the uncertainty fades and the guy starts to feel more comfortable and stable within the relationship.

      This is not a bad thing, however, in a good relationship because you trade that “thirst” (which is that hot pursuit stage) for consistency, familiarity and predictability. These are desirable traits in a relationship and they take away a lot of the anxiety and insecurity you feel at the beginning of a relationship.

      Of course there should still be effort in the relationship – plenty of it. No relationship can survive without effort. I think that effort just smooths out to a more sustainable pace.

  3. 3

    I definitely agree with the premise of this article – the best boyfriends (the best partners) are at least a little thirsty, and often very thirsty.

    I think this is because people who come across as “thirsty” at the beginning are often emotionally available, warm and open. They do not have a lot of guards and defenses hiding their emotions, so when they’re excited about someone, they come across as “gushing.” This used to freak me out, until I realised that it does die down a bit over time and often evens out to a nice, consistent effort.

    I also think that because a good, loving relationship requires a lot of effort (often a lot of driving, meeting new people, trying new things, taking yourself out of your comfort zone, a lot of texting, phone calls, overcoming insecurity, being considerate, etc.) your desire levels have to be high to make it work. If you are only lukewarm about a person, the chances are good that you’ll eventually just find it all too much hassle. Your desire for the person needs to overcome a lot of things you might need to do to make it work. So you definitely *want* someone whose desire levels are high as this will ensure that they don’t complain about making an effort and they will continue to make that effort.

    It is much easier to gently calm down a person with too much enthusiasm than it is to ramp up the enthusiasm of someone who is not making much of an effort or is lukewarm.

  4. 4

    Sorry for the double-post, but I was surprised to hear the author of this article describe asking a woman for her phone number as thirsty and texting her the next day as extra thirsty. I would say this is the minimum requirement for getting a relationship off the ground. Is showing any interest at all considered thirsty these days? I have to say that when I have had a guy like me and ask for my phone number, he will usually text me that *same* day and often, that very same hour.

    My current boyfriend at the beginning was what can only be described as “very thirsty.” To the point that it freaked me out a little and we even discussed the possibility that relationships that start out very intensely often burn out just as quickly. However, my instincts told me that it was just enthusiasm on his part and nothing to be worried about. Of course, the fact that I liked him so much in return and responded with equal enthusiasm meant that I think neither of us really thought of it as “thirsty.”

    A commenter (I think it was Mike) recently commented on “love bombing,” and I do think this is also a possibility to be aware of when a guy comes on really strong at the beginning.

  5. 5
    Caroline R

    Thirsty him gets my attention.
    Thirsty him gets me to stop and listen to what he has to say, to assess his heart, mind, energy, intelligence, attitudes, and his body, all in that first conversation.
    Thirsty him creates attraction, as I can be my calm self who scores highly on the agreeableness scale (‘Big Five Factor Markers’ Personality Test).
    Thirsty him keeps my attention.
    Thirsty him lets me know that he has the requisite levels of testosterone and dominant personality.
    Thirsty him lets me assess what he’s offering, if it’s what I’m thirsty for, and mostly consistently thirsty him lets me know that he isn’t getting his needs met elsewhere.
    This helps me weed out the Narcissists, who once they think they have me, they stop chasing, start cheating, and start treating me badly.

    Thirsty him lets me know that there is space for me in his life; lets me know that there is a place for me in his life.

    Thirsty him is also the man that I can happily support to become his best self, to reach his goals, to achieve what he wants to and thereby increase his happiness.
    This is a win-win situation!
    I can make him happy!
    Happy him, happy me, together.
    Thirsty him will happily be my Sexy Protector.
    This is so hot! This is a man that a woman admires, adores, wants to wrap herself around, and a man that she wants to lick.

    So, I agree with the writer.

  6. 6

    Hi Evan, I would love some clarity.

    You often teach women to look for men who call and plan the next date consistently.

    My question is: How does that work when everything is new; like the 1st date new?

    In your book “Finding the One Online” I believe you said message about 5 at a time, but what happens when they all reply and they are all okay with meeting for a 1st date?

    When you were communicating with multiple women did you go on several dates a week or did you spread them out? If you spread them out how did the women take it if you did not set up the 2nd date for 2-3 weeks later?… I guess with phone calls every other day is possible, but I usually don’t go on dates until the weekend, so that means only 1 woman a week.

    Or did you go on multiple dates during the weekend?

    What would you tell your clients to do if a guy scheduled the second date 2 weeks later?

    I guess I’m trying to understand how to be consistent when you barely know the person so you are still talking to multiple people at the same time because you don’t want to drop all the other people for just 1 that you barely know.

  7. 7

    Maybe Evan will chime in but…it seems that’s more of a scheduling/admin issue than a dating philosophy issue?

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