A Man Is Not Real Until He Is Your Boyfriend

You want to know why your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears?

It’s not because you’re a fool for believing that good men exist.

It’s not because he’s an evil human being hell-bent on destroying your self-esteem.

It’s not because you will not be able to survive without him. You’ve gone your entire life without him! I’m sure you’ll be fine once he’s gone.

The reason your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears is because you are SURPRISED when he disappears.

Look at your life. Men disappearing is probably a semi-normal occurrence. Then why act so shocked and devastated when outcome is so predictable?

I’m not blaming you for having feelings. What I want to do is show you how to manage them — to protect yourself from continual heartbreak.

The reason your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears is because you are SURPRISED when he disappears.

Men may still frustrate you, but I can make things easier, especially if you use online dating as a means to meet men. By mastering this medium and understanding male behavior, you can finally be in control of your own love life, and not a victim of disappearing men.

Yes, it really is that simple.

If you’ve ever been really hot for a new online dating prospect, you’re not alone.

You see a picture, you read a profile, and you start to get excited.

You write an email and he writes back.

Suddenly, you’re flirting like crazy, eagerly anticipating his every response.

There’s wit, there’s sexual innuendo, there’s instant talk about making plans.

Ready for Lasting Love?
Ready for Lasting Love?

Better yet, he seems sincere. He’s a good guy. He’s trying hard. Your phone calls are effortless and frequent. You remember that this is how dating is supposed to feel.

You plan your first date for Saturday night, and you have butterflies beforehand. You know that dates are rarely as promising as the buildup. But, sure enough, when he shows up, he’s as cute as his picture.

You have an amazing evening, filled with easy conversation and laughter. He’s chivalrous, interesting, attentive, and warm. You close the restaurant, end with a goodnight kiss, and a promise to do this again soon.

He texts you the next day to say he had fun, and instantly makes plans for the following Friday evening. You say yes.

He checks in during the week — a call here, an email there — not too needy, not too distant. He’s doing everything just right. It’s almost as if he’s reading your mind!

Friday night rolls around. You play mini-golf and grab two rounds of drinks at a nearby bar, after which you go back to your place and make out on the couch for an hour. In fact, you do a little more than that, but hold a little bit back. All in all, a great night.

He says good night and tells you he’ll call the next day.

But he doesn’t.

You go online and see that he’s checked his email.

You wait for his call, his email, his text. Nothing.

Another day goes by.

And another.

You check him out on the dating site again. He’s online RIGHT NOW and he still hasn’t called.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? He seemed so great, so perfect, so kind, so consistent.

How is he turning out to be like all the others?

If this story feels familiar to you, it’s because it’s familiar to EVERYONE.

And the reason it hurts so badly is simple: our expectations aren’t aligned with reality.

Sandy was a 45-year-old client living in rural Wisconsin. She had seen a really cute guy on Match.com and signed up for my Passion Course to figure out how to get his attention.

I wrote her profile, got her professional photos, and started our weekly coaching sessions. By the second week, the cute guy had already written to her. (This stuff is POWERFUL!)

Soon, they were bantering back and forth multiple times a day, and he started to plot their first date.

But there was a problem.

When the cute guy Googled Sandy’s hometown, he was surprised to learn that she lived 3 hours away. He knew he didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship, and so, instead of trekking to go on a first date, he emailed Sandy to apologize and wish her well in her search for love.

Sandy was destroyed.

Even though she’d only exchanged a few emails, she’d gotten excited about this cute, successful, articulate, enthusiastic man.

If 9 times out of 10 (in real life), the special guy doesn’t turn out to be all that special, it may be smarter to reserve judgment for later.

She started to picture life with a partner.

She started to dream about this man saving her from a life of loneliness.


As a result of this wishful thinking, Sandy was as hurt by this man’s simple email as she would have been if they’d been dating and broken up.

I shared in Sandy’s pain, then informed her that she could respond in 1 of 2 ways:

1)       She could be devastated that Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong. She could have that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and lose sleep over how she’s going to replace him. Or…

2)       She could realize that she’d never even MET this man. They’d never talked on the phone. They’d never met. They’d never slept together. They really didn’t have any relationship whatsoever. As a result, Sandy wasn’t “losing” anything; she never had anything to lose.

Which do you think is a healthier approach?

It’s not that Sandy was wrong to look at all the available signs and conclude that she had special connection with a special guy. Anyone in her right mind would draw the same conclusion.

It’s that, if 9 times out of 10 (in real life), the special guy doesn’t turn out to be all that special, it may be smarter to reserve judgment for later.

This is what I mean about adjusting your expectations to conform to reality.

I’ve had women tell me to chastise men to start following through more, to stop being so nice if they’re not ready for a relationship, to promise to call after having sex.

I hear you, and I agree that men could stand to do hundreds of things better to improve your relationships. However, as you know, I can no more stop men from being men than I can stop the earth from turning.

As such, your lesson, as a woman, is not to wish men acted another way, but to understand how they DO act and prepare yourself emotionally.

Because a man can be really interested in you, sleep with you, act like a future boyfriend for a few weeks, and be doing the EXACT SAME THING with another woman simultaneously.

Or he could seem like a great guy, make a great effort for you, and then realize, when it’s time to commit, that he’s just not ready for a commitment.

The point is that, by getting too excited about a promising dating prospect, you’re emotionally setting yourself up for heartbreak. And you don’t have to.

When you choose to be devastated by a man who is NOT your boyfriend, what you’re really doing is holding onto the loss of your fantasy. You’re not really mourning the loss of a guy you never had.

It’s the difference in feeling between losing a million dollars (devastating) vs. the feeling of NOT winning the lottery at all when you had 4 numbers (mildly irritating).

When you choose to be devastated by a man who is NOT your boyfriend, what you’re really doing is holding onto the loss of your fantasy.

You know when you CAN get excited? When the contract is signed, the ink is dry, and you know, without a doubt, that your dating prospect has become your BOYFRIEND.

Until then, each promising man is not actually “real.” He is merely hope, potential and fantasy.

Remembering this will save you a TREMENDOUS amount of trouble when you’re dating online. No longer will each flaky and disappointing man derail you. You’ll be able to bounce back and persevere instead of quitting. This is what’s going to pay off with a serious relationship in the long run.