Are You Too Busy to Find Love? Think Again.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I have heard every variation of “I’m so busy” that you can possibly imagine.

I don’t doubt that my readers and clients are as busy as they say. If you’re a single mother with a full-time job, your schedule seems to be booked solid. Hell, my wife is a stay-at-home mom who gets occasional babysitting help and even she doesn’t have a spare second, often folding laundry and answering emails long after I’ve gone to bed.

Enter Laura Vanderkam, married mother of four, author, and speaker. She had a sneaking suspicion that although she was, in fact, juggling many responsibilities, her schedule wasn’t as tightly packed as she made it out to be. So Vanderkam logged on a spreadsheet in half-hour blocks every one of the 8,784 hours that make up year. And while she didn’t discover a way to add an extra hour to every day, she “did learn that the stories I told myself about where my time went weren’t always true. The hour-by-hour rhythm of my life was not quite as hectic as I’d thought.”

Vanderkam isn’t just a mom with an agenda. She actually writes about time management for professionals and the innocent lies we tell ourselves. As she says in her article, “I know that professionals tend to overestimate work hours; we remember our busiest weeks as typical. This is partly because negative experiences stand out in the mind more than positive ones, and partly because we all like to see ourselves as hard-working. One study from the June 2011 Monthly Labor Review found that people estimating 75-plus hour workweeks were off, on average, by about 25 hours.”

Do you have 7 hours that you’re using for reading or television that can be reallocated to your love life? If so, then you can find the relationship you deserve.

The author is not immune to exaggeration herself, and after logging her time meticulously, she discovered, “If I worked 37.40 and slept 51.81, this left 78.79 hours for other things. This is a lot of space. Even if I felt I was constantly packing lunches, I spent a mere 9.09 hours weekly on housework and errands. There was some driving around — 7.84 hours a week — but there was also time for singing karaoke twice, picking strawberries, peaches and apples and even two solo beach days for me: one on the Atlantic, one on the Pacific. My life wasn’t just train-car-bathroom pumping.”

She continues, “I am not the only one for whom time tracking has led to a sense of abundance. I have found that for women especially, it is the best antidote to the pernicious narrative that professional success requires harsh sacrifices at home….By showing us that we do, in fact, have the privilege of free time, time tracking also nudges us to make wiser choices about how we spend it.”

How does this apply to you and dating? Well, let’s take a step back and try to reverse engineer a successful love life, like I do for my Love U clients.

Imagine you got to go on one date per week.

Not three blind coffee dates, but one-prescreened Saturday night drinks date with a guy you’ve been flirting with during the week via email/text/phone.

How much time would it take to make this happen? By my experience and calculations, if you put in a half-hour a day to online dating, juggle short conversations with 7-10 men on Match that lead to phone calls, you can get yourself one date per week. That’s 52 dates per year. That’s a LOT of chances to find love. But it does mean allocating about 4 hours/week to online dating, 1 hour/week to phone calls, and one night a week for a date.

Do you have 7 hours that you’re using for reading or television that can be reallocated to your love life? If so, then you can find the relationship you deserve.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

Join our conversation (31 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    jennifer harry

     
    Hi Marc, Laura’s time management skills are amazing, and it forces you to look positively at what time you do have, rather than to look at it negatively. 
    You can apply this method to different areas of your life, but the only drawback is having the motivation to keep it up.

  2. 2
    Jane Darling

    Timely post – tempted to send this to a guy I was dating that I just ended things with yesterday because he was too busy.

    He insisted that he was interested in me, but was working 16 hour days; 12 hour days in the office plus 2-4 hours in the car depending on traffic. So while I hoped to see him twice a week, he apparently would have been content seeing me once every few weeks because when he is at home he says he needs the time to recharge. What ended it for me was when he stopped taking the time to send a quick text daily. If I have to compromise and see you less, at least stay in touch in other ways so I still know you care.

    The biggest part that made it difficult was him insisting that he cared but really just didn’t have the time. There’s always time, and if you can’t find it you’re just not trying hard enough.

  3. 3
    Rocky

    As a busy man, I agree with Evan that there is really no such thing as too busy to date. But I’m not sure how a woman keeps 7-10 men interested long enough to only go out on one date per week. Remember the “do I look like I’m playing games” thread from a few weeks ago? You’ve got to be responsive and make people feel like you’re interested, or they are going to lose interest. Also, assuming you don’t make yourself exclusive after one date, you are going to need to fit multiple date nights in there.

    That said, I think if you want to do something, you make time. My friends and I have our fair share of stories of leaving work to go on a drinks or even dinner date, then going back to work deep into the night, and similar.

    For screening, I think most profiles are so bad now (or nonexistent on the apps) that merely reading a profile is a significant screening step today. It’s too bad, really, but I think it’s the truth. I like to set up a dinner date after a couple of messages and I have rarely had a bad time, because I set them up with women who I think I will be attracted to AND she writes her profile and messages in such a way that seems…not vapid.

    1. 3.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      Hi Rocky,

      “For screening, I think most profiles are so bad now (or nonexistent on the apps) that merely reading a profile is a significant screening step today.”

      I read somewhere awhile back that traditional OLD sites like match and eharmony  were losing potential customers to apps like Tinder and Bumble because a person can get up and running on them in five minutes.  Whereas match and eharmony require a time investment to do a profile and go through a panel of questions.  Like you I think it’s sad.

      1. 3.1.1
        SofT

        Hi GoWithTheFlow,

        When it comes down to apps like Tinder and Bumble, I think they market to different people. I suspect I have about  average success as a man on a dating site based on some stories I hear. However in the course of a few weeks I had literally NO matches on Tinder and Bumble. This is using the exact same photos as on websites. Maybe it’s because I don’t play the casual hookup game and am open about having kids, I’m not sure.

        1. JB

          I think it’s an age thing. As a man I doubt there’s many 40-60 yr old women on Tinder and Bumble. I know many are using the Match app because when I send them a normal email. I get a response that looks like text message back which means they replied on the phone.

        2. Nissa

          Remember, Tinder rates go up based on age. For that reason alone, I’d expect fewer people over thirty to be on that app.

  4. 4
    Tracy

    I agree that if you put 7 hours a week into online dating you can get 1 date a week. But I would say it’s exhausting. I’m on a little hiatus right now, and making more efforts to meet men in real life. Going out on online dates, even when they’re prescreened, can be rough. Most of the men I’ve met I’ve enjoyed as friends, but not as romantic partners. I found myself telling the same stories (because the men asked) — where I grew up, my parents, siblings, work, hobbies, etc. to the point where I was going out on 1 date per week, but it felt like I was going on the same date over and over again.

    When you go on an online date you are going to see if there’s chemistry. When you go on a date with someone you met in real life, you’re going because you already know there’s chemistry. Although I haven’t sworn off online dating entirely, I’d rather spend 7 hours a week talking to men in real life.

    1. 4.1
      Rocky

      Tracy – if that is how you date, doesn’t it make sense to follow the “blind coffee date” model? Seems like it would be much less exhausting and you could still find out what you need to know.

      1. 4.1.1
        Runner Girl

        Worthy idea, but the problem I see with the blind coffee date model is this: I still have to put in the time to get ready and look nice, doing my hair, make up, picking out and coordinating a cute outfit, etc., going a little above and beyond, because first impressions are important to me, and attractiveness (to me) which helps fuel chemistry is partly based on the effort put into looking nice/taking care of one’s appearance. I would hope a man would want to put in the effort for me as well. Putting in a lot of effort for a short coffee date with a blind date, which the odds are that it will not go beyond a first date, is sort of a waste of time. I would much rather do what Evan suggested in the post and go on one pre screened date a week. Plus, the pre screening process allows me to build up some level of excitement, anticipation, and rapport, which even if we do not have chemistry, we can still at least (hopefully) have a good time, and possibly make a new friend, business contact, etc. I know it can feel redundant saying the same things over and over again on every new date, but at least you will have your “story” down to a T with what you say, which will make it easier, and then can move the conversation on to other non-redundant things.

  5. 5
    Britt

    Worthy post.

    For several years, I worked in a job where I had to bill my time in 5 minute increments.  I still find it natural to think along these lines, and it is both a blessing and a curse – if I went on a bad date or series of dates with a given prospect, I’d roughly estimate the number of hours I invested poorly and beat myself up for not spending those hours in my office so I could pay off my crushing student loans more quickly.  Now the student loans are gone (sigh of relief), though the long hours are still with me.  My main problem is likely that I enjoy my solitude and require a certain amount of alone time.  My job means that I already don’t get enough alone time, am sleep-deprived, etc.  When I had free time, I needed it to myself to recuperate, sleep, do laundry, go to the gym, etc.

    Finally my life is getting less complicated and I arguably have time to date.  Much of the commentary on this blog about women my age/career status makes me think that nobody will want me.  I am 35 and technically a high earner, probably a 7.5 (former fitness model).  People describe me as “sweet,” “warm,” “always thinking of others before myself.”  Men on this blog say that I must be a cold career woman who slept her way through many suitors.  In reality I’ve had very few boyfriends and was focused on taking care of my parents – I was fortunate enough to have a skill set that permitted me to support them IF I was willing to work the long hours and travel all the time. I would not have been able to live with myself if I had chosen to selfishly take a lower-pay and lesser-stress job to pursue my own interests and love life while they struggled.  Two months ago I bought them a house so they should be self-sufficient on their pension going forward.  Maybe I sacrificed too much, but this is what you do for your family in my opinion.  Family is everything.

  6. 6
    Stacy2

    7 hours a week is a ridiculous amount of time to spend for just one date. Seriously. This is almost an entire work day dedicated to finding one person to go out with!!! Com’on people. Just go to a busy after-work happy-hour bar near your office or home and you’ll meet someone and have a first “date” all within one hour time frame.

    1. 6.1
      Runner Girl

      I understand what you mean, and yes, it can seem like a lot of invested time in a busy person’s life. The 7 hours a week suggestion is for talking with several people, not just one, to secure at least no less than one date a week. One can go on more dates if they are interested in more than one of the people they are communicating with, and of course that does mean investing more than 7 hours. I think the whole point is that if a person invests about that amount of time and effort into dating per week then the odds are more in their favor of finding a relationship. That amount of time is only 11.76 % of a week, so it really is not that much in the grand scheme of things. For example, I run/work out about 5-7 hours a week just to stay in shape and be healthy (but 10-15 hours per week when I am training for a race), so finding a loving partner to share the rest of my life with is an equally important investment to me, assuming that the effort pays off and I find someone (which I already have). To add to that, the time spent will be short term anyway, as once in a relationship, that 7 hours (and of course more 😉) will go into your relationship. I hope this perspective makes it seem a little more feasible?

  7. 7
    Dora

    I been reading everything Evan sends and like it and listen to it and even Tried following it. But,… Do you know that for One month on Match Every single one that I corresponded with was a scammer- a liar and consecutively a Waste of time.. Have no worries to spend an hour a day or two or give some of my resting time, but to have ALL those dishonest laying players and to waste my time with them – checking them out,asking questions etc… I just cannot believe this..

    Every single one.. What is Wrong with people..?!! And I do not want to spend money with the pro writers,because I Now do not believe Anything can be different… I followed Evan’s guidelines and examples for writing good catchy ” how would he feel around me” profile and… No good outcome, at all..

    How to keep going after One whole month of scammers, how to not give up and “forget” about love and just concentrate on what is real – my horses and dogs..

     

  8. 8
    Sarah

    Dora: I also went out with a guy from Fitness Singles that was a total sociopath! Be Careful Girls, He is still on it. He will act like you are the best thing since sliced bread and use everything he knows about you to manipulate your feelings. He is also on many many other sites. Online dating is a paradise for the mentally ill. I now must have a way to ensure their name matches their photo ID…because he gave me the wrong name and I finally found out in another manner. I hate online dating with a passion but know I must proceed to meet someone. Can anyone tell me how to have the conversation about confirming the  guy’s or (girl’s) name and that it actually is them; without sounding paranoid, because I am right now. I think women and men should also consider using a website to check out people and their backgrounds. I am using one and I guess it is okay. What is weird, I did not find any super bad info on the psycho!

    1. 8.1
      Stacy2

      Forgive me for stating the obvious, but isn’t figuring all of this a part of the process known as “getting to know a person” which is the point of dating???

      Personally i would never spend time “researching” someone’s background online. This is completely creepy. Just imagine if the tables were turned. I had it done on me – a guy picked me up for a second date and told me about all that research he had done on me online. That was even pre-FB (damn i am getting old) and it creeped me up so much that i stopped the cab and refused to ever see him again.

      I do check their drivers license (but making sure they don’t notice). All you need to do is separate the guy from his wallet for a split second to glance at it. Really easy actually. Otherwise just rely on your common sense regarding appropriate safety measures and whether his story makes sense!

      1. 8.1.1
        Mrs Happy

        Stacy2 @ 8.1 ,

        just out of curiosity, how do you separate a man (you presumably just met) from his wallet and check his license?

        1. Stacy2

          The moment when a check at a restaurant comes presents a lot of opportunities. Drop something on the floor (that takes a while to pick up like open cosmetics bag) and let him pick it up, etc. If his wallet is at all unusual ask him to show it to you, etc. Basically go with the flow don’t force it and don’t look creepy.

          If that is not doable, remember the name from the credit card always prints at the bottom of the check. Not as good as DL but good enough for the first date.

          And of course once you’ve slept together you will be able to look at it (when he’s asleep or in the shower). I recommend snapping a picture with your phone and studying it later. You will know how address (married man from the suburbs?) and DOB (lied about his age?) so this is useful. Of course, a bit too late at that point but better late than never.

          interestingly, years ago, when I was still in my young and stupid phase, this happened to me. A guy came over to my place (I invited him for dinner) and announced  himself to the doorman using a different name than the one he told me. Too bad for him, the doorman acrually used the name when he called me instead I saying “your friend is here” or something. Needless to say he did not make it upstairs that day or ever.

           

           

      2. 8.1.2
        Buck25

        Stacy2,

        Why do that? You want to see a guy’s driver’s license, just ask. Can’t imagine why he wouldn’t show it to you if he has nothing to hide. I’ve had a couple of women I met online ask to see mine; I gladly handed it to them. What’s the big deal. You know that some sites (e Harmony, for example) have members who are “verified”  (Criminal background check,address and identity verification, etc.) Match has a feature that allows a user to link his/her twitter, Facebook, Google and LinkedIn accounts to their Match profile; someone who does that, is at least who they say they are. Look for those (under “verifications” on Match), and feel more secure. Weeds out the worst of the liars and scammers.

        I don’t mind any woman I meet that way checking out my background. Why would I? What I put on my profile is 100% accurate. I can even prove I’m divorced, if anyone wonders. I may be an old wolf, not a fancy lap dog, and there’s no guarantee I won’t I bite, but I do come with papers, (and my shots are up to date, too). 🙂

        1. Stacy2

          To me that would seem way too forward. I like to trust the other person as much as possible or at least preserve the appearance of said trust. This is why I stop at discretely verifying name/address and never stalk my dates on social media (I prefer to form opinions from our interactions rather than his online activity anyway). But I do have a luxury of living in Manhattan where I feel completely safe. There are doormen, and cctv everywhere, and cops, and we don’t drive so I would never be in a near-stranger’s car etc. If I lived elsewhere may be I would behave differently.

        2. Sarah

          Buck25: Refreshing post! I agree I think its odd to be sneaky and look at someone’s wallet. I think I will end up just asking down the road. I don’t mind if anyone wants to see mine either, (unless you don’t want them to see your address quite yet–maybe just hide that part…not sure.) And I don’t care if someone wants to do a background check on me. I have nothing to hide. “..I do come with papers and my shots are up to date..also.” Ha. Thanks for making me laugh today.

        3. runner girl

          Stacy, you mentioned how you don’t research guy’s back grounds online because it is creepy, but sneaking into their wallet and taking pictures of their driver’s license is also equally creepy, as is faking dropping things just to get a look at their credit card, so it really does not matter what one does to extract their information. We all have varying ways of learning about new people, and personally, yes, when I was dating, I did look up the guys on FB, Linked In, Instagram, and only once did I look up someone online, but only after he told me to check out his work page. My fiancé and I gave each other our last names pre the first date and both went on FB at the same time to check each other out, then joked about things via text, and I did glimpse at date’s driver’s license when presenting it to purchase alcohol, but I did not touch their wallet, instead spending more time listening and paying attention, than snooping. Keep in mind that if you get caught, you have destroyed trust before a relationship even occurs. I would totally run for the hills if some guy did that to me! I know it happened to you, and it did weird you out, although what kind of a person would actually announce to someone that they had “stalked” them? Glad you ran for the hills on that one! It seems sad, really, that no one feels safe or trusting any more, and has to resort to measures as these simply to be sure or verify that a person is who they say they are.

        4. GoWiththeFlo

          Stacy, Sarah, RG, and Buck,

          I too had one guy tell me how he went online and did a “mini investigation” of me, then he ticked off what he learned.  I expect a man to be curious and cautious about who they meet on line and do some investigating (I sure do)  but the way he relayed to me what he knew, I felt like I was being put under oath on the witness stand.  Of course the date went poorly after that.

          As far as asking for ID, if Buck says he’s not offended maybe I’ll start suggesting a mutual ID check.  I am working on getting a new profile up online and I will absolutely use the verification system that’s available on match and eharmony.  I also think the fact that a man goes the verification process also means he’s more serious about connecting with a woman than just “cruising” hoping to pick someone up.

          Anyway, I agree I would never fake dropping something to try and check a guy’s ID.  I’m bad at pulling stuff off like that so I’m sure it would doom a lot of dates 😉

        5. SofT

          Being a 35 year old man and currently dating in the UK, I have to agree with Buck25. If someone asked to see some ID to make them feel safe and comfortable, I’d happily show it. The shitty photos might even make for an interesting discussion! I’d be much more concerned if I caught her shuffling through my wallet. I also don’t mind if people check out my Web presence, as long as it’s not done in a creepy way. If you remember everything, and start quoting my info, I’d be a bit worried.

        6. Buck25

          This part of the discussion brings up something that’s an issue for many women, but is often overlooked/not understood by most of us men.

          Put simply, to many women the world is a more threatening, dangerous place that it appears from a male perspective. That’s true not just from a standpoint of emotional vulnerability, but physical vulnerability as well. The average woman does not have the sheer  physical strength of a man, she is usually smaller than most men, and she usually lacks the testosterone-driven aggression common to men . Before the Amazons, martial arts experts, and carriers of concealed weapons (with appropriate training and permits, I hope 🙂 )  among the ladies here take me to task for being a chauvinist, I understand there are exceptions, but for most those considerations apply. I think we need to recognize that while a man’s greater strength may be reassuring to a woman who knows us well, it can also be threatening to the woman who just met us. We may know, that we’re not a sociopath, an abuser, a con man, a stalker, or a potential rapist, but she doesn’t, not in the very beginning, especially with a man she met online; it’s not like there’s a warning label on the profile of every lowlife, creep, head case, scam artist or even axe murderer who might go on the internet.

          I’ll be the first to admit I had  a hard time understanding this when I first came back on the dating scene  a few years back; after all, the last time I was single, internet dating didn’t exist; but it does now, and one aspect of it is that it’s fairly easy for anyone online to pretend he’s other than what he is. My first instinct was to be taken aback at how paranoid so many women seemed; they often appeared guarded and suspicious. It offended me that women I was meeting for the first time seemed to assume the worst until proven otherwise, even wondering if I was actually divorced, or living where I said I did. I do think some of it is exaggerated, and really awful things that happen do get overly sensationalized, because they are unusual; that’s what makes it news. All the same, enough women have had one sort of bad experience or another to make at least some of their fears very real to them, and that perception is, like it or not, their reality.

          I think, based on what I’ve learned, that it behooves me, (and all of us men, really) to show some empathy and understanding of this, and do what ever we reasonably can to mitigate the situation. If that means using verification services available on a dating site, I’m ok with that, even at a small extra expense. If it means showing a woman my driver’s license, I’m fine with that as well, or anything else within reason. We don’t (and frankly shouldn’t), have anything to hide ( if we do, then just maybe we shouldn’t be out there in the first place).

          It’s very easy to look at the world from a male (especially alpha male) point of view, and deride women for being cowardly, and paranoid; it’s easy to condemn them for hiding behind a computer screen lapping up email attention, without taking the risk of actually meeting someone; it’s easy to wish they were braver, and wonder why they aren’t. It’s easy…but I’ve come to believe it’s not right. It’s judging them by our experience of the world, not by theirs.

          I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard for me as a man, to see the world from a woman’s point of view, but this is one area where I think they deserve whatever empathy we can muster up. Now obviously, none of us can guarantee every woman we meet that the first date is going to come out the way she envisioned, or hoped, or that it’s going to lead to her desired outcome, but perhaps we can do a few little things to help dial back the fear and loathing factor at the beginning just a bit. In that spirit, ladies, what can we men do that most of us currently aren’t doing, to mitigate some of those initial fears? Your thoughts?

        7. GoWiththeFlow

          Thanks Buck,

          When I was a girl, my sister and I were constantly warned about dangerous situations that could lead to “being taken advantage of” or raped.  It never occurred to my parents that my brother might be vulnerable until John Wayne Gacy.  Before that, my brother had way more freedoms that his sisters had.  Here’s a few of the warnings I heard when I was young:

          Avoid walking close to vans in parking lots.  Beware of men asking you to help them find a lost dog.  Don’t walk alone in the dark.  Walk fast and with keys ready if you must walk alone in the dark. Stay close to the buildings when walking along the sidewalk, so you can’t get grabbed into a passing car.  Don’t get separated away from your friends, use the buddy system.  When traveling alone, don’t look men directly in the eye.  Watch the bartender make your drink, and then don’t put it down or leave it unattended.

          Girls and women are socialized in a way, to not trust and to be cautious.  It’s not anything personal against any one man.  It’s a safety mindset that is indoctrinated into us, in part by our fathers. So it may help to think of what you would want a man to do for your sister or daughter to assure her she’s safe.

  9. 9
    Noquay

    Sarah

    On-line sites that offer background checks are looking at physical stats, marital status (not always up to date), and criminal records. Unless there is a medical hold due to the person being a threat or domestic violence/stalking charges, behavioral issues do not surface on these sites. The truly disordered or just downright creepy tend to have squeaky clean records. Some other stuff you can check out; work websites, recreational stuff like membership in a running or biking club. Unfortunately, weird behaviors are only sussed out by actually being in contact with the individual in some way; emails, calls, an initial meeting usually reveals this kind of thing; there’s no shortcuts, you will have to take a chance and may waste some time. Some forms of weird are subtle such as love-bombing which should be a red flag in and of itself. Keep in mind too that due to socioeconomic factors, not all regions lend themselves well to on line or IRL dating. Some other red flags to look for that may indicate a scammer or someone less than truthful:

    Always being too busy as Evan has stated

    Reluctance to meet in person

    Little/no voluntary info about job or family or living situation

    Discrepancies between stated income level, job, area of residence; ditto for stated educational level and quality of writing in profile

    Unusually attractive and successful folk on a site compared to the average user, especially when such folk state they live in a region where they should have a plethora of options.

     

    1. 9.1
      Sarah

      Noquay: Good advice about just being patient with dating. And thank you for the additional tips. I have not dated much online.  Plus you are right about the love bombing too soon. And in this case…he got sick with a terminal disease and that is how he strung me along! Classic sociopath traits, from what I have read. What is good about this situation; he did not get anything from me but ” rental space” in my mind for a while. I wasn’t sleeping with him nor did he get any money. I think he got bored with me because I am not a drama queen and I wait before getting intimate. It has helped get out of a LOT of bad situations easily. It is odd that the truly disordered have squeaky clean records…yikes! Thanks again for your comments, very helpful.

  10. 10
    Jenn

    Thanks for this message, Evan. I needed to get a good kick in the tush since I’ve been telling myself for over a year that I’m just too “busy” for online dating, Meetups, and singles events.

    The truth is, I just haven’t felt worthy of love as of late. My problem with emotional eating has led to gaining back most of the 80 pounds I’d lost a couple years ago. Depression over my job situation and confusion over finding a new direction has consumed my thoughts.

    I thought I couldn’t possibly be ready to get back in the game, but that’s not true. I was just being selfish in not wanting to take a chance. I have a lot to give to a good partner and I’ve been too busy wallowing in self pitying thoughts. Maybe there is someone who could love me just as I am right now. I’m trying to change for the better and that’s good enough.

  11. 11
    Helene

    The mindset that 7 hrs a week is an awful lot of effort for one date stems, I think, from the good old  days we were all young students, everyone around us was single and dates just happened naturally. Once you move out of that student environment and a lot of people are now coupled up, finding a partner starts to require effort, like anything else worthwhile in life. Getting a degree, starting a business, renovating a house, bringing up children – we would never expect to achieve anything in any of these spheres by investing less than 7 hrs a week – finding a life partner is just the same.

  12. 12
    Sarah

    Buck25: Thanks for your support in this area. I know we have gone way off  Evan’s topic but I think its an important discussion about safety for women (and men). I think knowing that a female will want reassurance ,that you are who you say you are, is a good start. I think it will be fine for me to ask to see ID if the first date goes well and we are on our 2nd.  I think for me, I will need to see where he lives fairly quickly, if things are moving along well.  The sociopath did come to my place a couple of times, but I never went to his (we had only dated a couple of months by then…not every week) and then he got a “terminal disease” and strung me along via text for months, said his place was a wreck because he had been ill…blah blah. That was his main trick. I rarely saw him.  It was not the worse thing that could have happened, for sure. I will admit I did not handle this correctly  and was very naive; but  I was not sleeping with him nor did he get money etc..I just don’t want to waste my time again. So getting back to your question, I cannot think of anything else except, additionally, I will check out their name on my background check website. I think these things (ID check,background check, see where they live, check LinkedIn if possible, and look at titles of their books..Ha! ) in combination with common sense is a good start, but will still keep my ears/eyes open for conflicting information.  Noquay had some good tips also. Thanks everyone!

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