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The original question reads, “I am at my wits end. I am in my early 50”²s and I can’t meet a man. I have tried the online thing and it hasn’t worked. I have a guy I’ve been friends with, but he only sees me as a friend. We have even gone away together a few times, but nothing has happened. I don’t know what else to do and I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. How else are people meeting and connecting?”
Pretty common complaint. Really uncommon answer. You think I’m blunt? Moxie gives this reader a full smackdown.
“Maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you won’t meet anybody? I know that someone who does what I do isn’t supposed to say that. We’re supposed to spout trite sayings like, “It’ll happen when you least expect it!” or “There’s a lid for every pot!” You know what? Those are placebos. They’re fake bits of wisdom meant to encourage you and keep you on the path to finding love. I’m not saying you should give up completely. But I am saying that it’s time for you to reconcile with this fear you have of ending up alone. Because more than likely, one way or another, you will.”
It’s time to get comfortable with it being just you, because that may be how it turns out.
Now, I wouldn’t have said that because I actually do believe there is a lid for every pot. And if this was the only wisdom espoused (“Give up!”) I wouldn’t be sharing this with you. But Moxie was just getting rolling. She took the words right out of my mouth with this paragraph:
“To be honest, questions like, “Where can I go to meet men?” also tire me. You can meet a man anywhere. You can walk down the street and meet a man. You can go grocery shopping and meet a man. They’re everywhere. If you’ve tried various avenues to find a man and nothing is working, then it’s time for some introspection. Something isn’t working. I can’t tell you what it is because I don’t know you. Having me list out all the ways you can meet men isn’t going to do anything if the problem lies with you. Maybe you’re expectations are out of whack. Maybe you shoot out of your league. I don’t know.”
Finally, she brings it home with a crescendo, reiterating what I’ve said for years on this blog, which is that I’m not going to post your question if I agree with you and think you’re doing a great job. I’m only going to post an answer to you if I think I can see a blind spot and share something that may shift your perspective. Moxie goes even further:
“I would guess that confirmation bias is one of the leading reasons why so many men and women who seek long term commitment end up 40 or older and single. All their lives they’ve heard the same things over and over again. Their belief systems have been reinforced by perpetually listening to or being told the same thing day in and day out. You really want to make a change, OP? Get out of what ever vacuum you exist in and start fresh. This goes for everybody. Cut out all the people and places and ways you hear about how hard dating is and how awful men and women are and how this doesn’t work and that doesn’t work. Tune. It. Out. Because if you truly make finding a relationship a priority and you develop your own belief system based solely on your experiences and your experiences alone, your opportunities will increase ten fold. It’s time to get comfortable with it being just you, because that may be how it turns out. Until you’re okay with that possibility, you will continue to struggle.”
Yeah. That’s about right. It may not be the softest response, but it’s just about the most truthful one.
The full post can be read here. Your comments, as always, are appreciated below.
Crickett says
There is no question. There is a segment of the population that never couples up. They end up alone.
They end up alone for many reasons.
I have an aunt like that. Total Vogue like beauty in her youth but could not find a man who would love her. I think it’s because she really wasn’t that kind and loving. Funny, yes, interesting, yes but not very loving and kind. Just my opinion, of course.
But yes, some end up alone.
Malin says
Well I have an aunt that was and is incredibly Beautiful and ended up alone, and guess what?? She is funny, charismatic, AND kind and loving, also, very social and outgoing. Her only downfall has been that on the inside she Always did have low selfesteem and didn’t realize these great things about her herself. She also wantet love, not just “some guy”.
SÃ¥ contrary to peoples Believe, it’s not Always the singles persons own “fault” that they end up alone, it’s also about luck, being in the right Place at the right time to meet that special person!!
Karmic Equation says
But what was she DOING to MEET single men?
Men don’t grow on trees or drop out of the sky.
So if she didn’t help her own cause, by actually going out to places where men can be found, it wasn’t because of bad luck that she didn’t meet anyone. It was because she wasn’t proactive about finding love.
Kathleen says
Great advice Evan Because once you realize you could end up being alone, forever , then you can build a life with great friends, interests, learn new things and be grateful for what you do have.
I remember being told by one woman when I divorced I would have extreme difficulty finding anyone because Im middle aged and so I rebuilt my life Ive found nothing has been more wrong than that advice !!!
Women of all ages who are happy from within, vibrant and radiant will always have magnetic energy
I saw a funny post on Facebook….
Question… “what is an Askhole
Answer …someone that asks your advice but never follows it!”
Ive learnt so much from Evans resources that at 54 , I meet plenty of men and just have to sort out who is good for me . Im far more in demand now than I was at 23 !
Natalie says
Thank you so much for this post, Kathleen! Having found myself suddenly single I keep hearing all these nightmare stories about dating and how tough it is to find a “good man”. I’ve had a tough time believing it initially but over time began to wonder why so many single women struggle. I so appreciate you sharing your story.
Robyn says
Since most women end up outliving their spouses, it makes a lot of sense for most women to get comfortable with living on their own and managing their lives by themselves.
Out of curiosity, I looked up the CDC tables on life expectancies (published in 2012).
On average, in 2008 (when the stats were gathered):
95% of white men survive to age 45, 90% survive to age 55 and 80% survive to age 65. 50% make it to age 80.
95% of white women survive to age 54, 90% survive to age 64 and 80% survive to age 73. 50% make it to age 85.
So if the OP wants to be 90% sure of having a husband at her side when she’s 73, that means she needs a fella that will be 55 when she is 73. If she’s OK with 80% odds, then he’d need to be 65 to her 73. If she’s OK with 50% odds, then a man her age or up to 7 years older than her would work.
i.e. Unless she finds a man who is significantly younger than her (by a decade or two!) she would most definitely outlive her husband by several years.
Henriette says
I love this advice. In part, bc I see that there are far, far, far worse fates than “ending up alone.”
– A friend’s parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and the wife’s words to the husband? “You’ve made my life a living hell for half a century, now.” And no, she wasn’t trying to be funny.
– A friend whose dad has cheated on the mom since their engagement. 40+ years later, still married to the same woman, he goes out and roams parties with a pocket full of viagra, his wife waiting for him at home.
– An aunt who admits that she and my uncle have had nothing to say to each other for at least the last 15 years. She says they sit across the table from each other, over dinner, in sad silence… not willing to divorce but with absolutely no sense of connection.
– Another Aunt and Uncle who cannot have a simple conversation without it escalating into a shouting match followed by him: retiring to drink in the den alone and her: to cry on the phone to her girlfriends.
Yeah, I’m sure that all these couples stay together bc they get SOMETHING they consider worthwhile out of their partnerships, but all of them seem pretty miserable. I’m glad that most readers on this blog seem to understand that what we should all be looking for is not just a lifemate but a truly loving and supportive partnership.
sophie says
Thank you Henriette. I needed to hear that tonight. As I struggle to get through an impending divorce from my now sober alcoholic husband of 20 years, realizing that I can’t get past the years of abuse and what it did to me. I would rather be alone than with someone who brings out the worst in me. Being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to you.
jen says
sophie – Thank you for being genuine. After 14 years of alcoholic, emotional abuse, I realize it’ll never change. Kinda heart-broken, but I’m finally [54] going to give myself permission to set some real boundaries, and people that don’t have my best interests at heart are off the list 🙂
I’m turning into something I can’t recognize. I’ve been motivated by the bitter neighbor who can’t wait to tell you “what a bastard he was, but at least she got the property…” I gotta go before I lose my soul, and become a hollow husk of my younger self.
Howard Greenstein says
As my brilliant father taught me, “No relationship is better than a bad one.” While I do miss the good things my last partner brought to the table, I don’t miss the bad.
Karen says
I like what you wrote Henriette
starthrower68 says
You can always get some cats. 🙂
Girl in the Midwest says
I think there are many people who are truly happy and content being alone. But I know I am not one of them… I don’t know, maybe it’s in my genes, or maybe it’s my attachment style, or maybe it’s my dating history, but I just feel very empty when I am alone. I haven’t been in a long term relationship, given the fact that my longest is 3.5 years, so I might not know what the hell I’m talking about. I still hope to find a life partner. I think it’s a desire to share with someone special.
So I think if the situation is that you are likely to be alone, it’s probably better to accept it. Because like Moxie implies, if you can’t accept reality, then it’s like fighting with yourself.
Girl in the Midwest says
Also Evan, I ran across this post and I thought it is pretty good. I think it’s in line with what you say on this blog:
http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/
Chance says
Girl in the Midwest said (#6):“I think there are many people who are truly happy and content being alone. But I know I am not one of them… I don’t know, maybe it’s in my genes, or maybe it’s my attachment style, or maybe it’s my dating history, but I just feel very empty when I am alone. I haven’t been in a long term relationship, given the fact that my longest is 3.5 years, so I might not know what the hell I’m talking about. I still hope to find a life partner. I think it’s a desire to share with someone special.
So I think if the situation is that you are likely to be alone, it’s probably better to accept it.”
I hope that I can articulate this in a way that helps, but I don’t know if I can. However, your comment made me want to reach out to you. Here goes: I believe the desire to find a life partner stems from a less-focused (or a vague, perhaps even unconscious) desire to feel whole and complete. For a lot of people, the most obvious avenue to achieve this seems to be to find the love of their life, which is why so many people feel empty when they have not done so. Of course, we conveniently ignore the fact that people that are married really aren’t any happier. They find a new set of problems to have. Still, a lot of people attach finding the love of their life to what is the secret of life. However, it’s like the Faith Hill song…. “the secret of life is that there ain’t no secret.” Say what you want about Faith Hill, but I think the person who wrote that bit was “spot on”, as the Brits would say.
What I’m getting at is this: our life is nothing more than a short window of opportunity. If you think about it, our lives aren’t really that important in the grand scheme of things (I don’t mean this in a cynical way). Most of our time is spent being dead or not being born yet. In the (relatively) very short meantime, there is so much to explore in the world, so many interests to develop, so many lessons to learn – all of which make us much more interesting people if we embrace this fact about our lives whether we’re alone or not. In the end, I also think it makes us compatible with a broader set of people because, if we embrace this, it causes us to have a healthier outlook on life.
The best thing about getting out and developing a sense of curiosity, getting out of your comfort zone by dating without the intention of immediately finding out if this person is the one, and having many hobbies/interests, is that even though they may seem independent of finding a life partner, doing these things actually maximizes your chances of finding the person that you can spend the rest of your life with. I don’t know, maybe that’s where they get the awful, awful saying: “it will happen when least expect it”.
Daniel says
Your comment is really that helps to bring myself up. I have beeen trying hard to fibf a partner to share my life with him so I cab do eveything with him as travel or else. Nonetheless, being gay makes this difficult just twice to find the right one when all they want are sex or just opn relationship.
Eeb though I am a decent, well looking and high education but love is just hard to fibd no matter how hard I try.
Judy says
Thanks for your very articulate answer. There is very little information for single senior women because we are suppose to be wiser. I’m retired and have a very active life with golf, dancing, cultural and social events, church and quilting. I just found out that my ex-husband remarried. The much younger woman he married just posted the marriage photo as her first and only Facebook cover photo and that’s how I found out. No one told me. I just sent a short text to my ex-husband with congrats and well wishes. I talked with an older woman who I respect and she said families can be weird and not communicate. She said this is just another pot hole in life, I don’t need a man to be happy, and pray for mercy at night. My son called and said he thought his father would tell me since we are on good speaking terms, but he didn’t. Since my divorce, I had several boyfriends with problems, one sociopath making my lonely life more miserable. I discovered there are worse things than being alone. Be very careful especially with online dating. The lonelier you are, the worse your choices in relationships. Get out and find your people, dance, church, Meetup, golf, etc. Live, Laugh and Love! The Sweetest Revenge is to live a good life!
marymary says
Chance
Agree. I was happy single. Life was straightforward, I had a lot of time for my hobbies and interests, I was involved in the community. I would go home and literally skip for joy to see my neat and orderly home, mine all mine!
Then I met someone.
Dora says
I’ve been alone for many years and have grown comfortable with it. I’ve even developed a bucket list of things I want to do in my lifetime…..I’m just living my life.
If a great guy happens to come along and wants to be with me, I’ll welcome him with open arms. But if he never does… my life continues. I think this is what I wish more women understood. Life continues. You still have a life worth living. And no woman should ever feel incomplete because there isn’t a guy by her side.
Smita says
Awesome Dora. You just summed my life and thoughts in a nutshell. Couldn’t have said this better.
Joe says
I’m happy being alone. I’m happy with a partner. In order to be able to be both, a person has to be happy with himself or herself.
josavant says
9 marymary, is that good news or bad news? Sounds like it could be both.
There is nothing wrong with being single. Single people would have an easier time of it if the media weren’t always pushing coupleship on us. Notice I’m not blaming married people or otherwise coupled people. I haven’t had any married people pushing me to get married, and just a few examples of coupled people trying to set me up. But the songs we hear and the movies we watch and even the commercials with cheerful couples and families- all of these things make single people feel incomplete, even if no one was deliberately setting out to make anyone feel bad.
It takes a strong and independent mind to be single and truly content with it given all the forces that push being coupled and familied on us. If you could take all the media away, a lot fewer people would be harping about being single, because there is no reason in the world we shouldn’t, as smart adults, figure out how to carve out fulfiling lives on our own. There is so much to do and see while we are alive, as Chance said. If you can do it with someone else, great, but you don’t have to.
Pam Morgan says
Josavant everything u said is so true , I like being single but I also would love a man in my life I widowed 11 yrs now and only dated a couple men since it was a nightmare I only did it so I can say I’ve dated so my daughter and family would think I was so alone , I honestly feel ashamed that I’m alone and I resent the media and my family making me feel that way. What u wrote encouraged me , thank you.
Kevin says
Ignore the ” media ” , it’s all scaremongering & trying to get everyone to fear & hate everyone else , & I don’t give a rat’s backside what other people think. Stopped watching TV many years ago , no surprise as it’s very anti male & always bashing men as worthless sex crazed , expendable rapist excreta. Since divorce , I’ve realised I’m far happier flying solo , I certainly do not hate women , but I simply can’t be bothered with them anymore…..they all seem to be married to a smartphone anyway !!
BeenThruTheWars says
Joe nailed it. You have to be a complete person whether on your own or with a partner to be happy and content in life. There’s no getting around that. People who say they and their partners are “two halves that make a whole” worry me. To achieve long-term happiness, a couple needs to be two whole people who make a team of two; not two incomplete people who each need a vacuum filled by another warm body.
starthrower68 says
I’m not too concern about growing old without a significant other. I am am however, not sure I will handle being an empty-nester very well. I know that’s not a topic to deal with here, but my kids are everything to me.
Jackie H. says
I believe there is a lid for every pot too although I cannot guarantee how long that lid will cover that pot…lol…Insanity is the doing the same ole things and expecting things to change as the saying goes…If you she wants a different result, she will have to approach this situation in a vastly different way than she ever has before…some may not be willing to get on path and end up being alone I think…
Seaturtle880 says
Read Evan’s post, then read the whole article from the other advice person. I’ve got to say that I suspect the advice person (sorry don’t remember the name) was having a rather bad day. The article gets better as it goes along but it starts off pretty darn depressing. Can you imagine a career councilor advising someone who was unemployed that they better learn to accept the fact that he/she may never find a job, to give up? They won’t stay in business for very long and certainly wouldn’t be helping that person. Yes some people end up alone. Yes some people have marriages that are a living hell. On the other hand, being in love is fantastic. Assuming your marriage isn’t a living hell, at least most of the time, sharing your life with someone has shown to be a better indicator of health and overall happiness. As a single person it has always bugged the heck out of me when well meaning friends have said ‘well at least you’re not in an unhappy marriage’ as if it was black and white, and despite the fact that they themselves were in happy marriages.
I do agree with the post about finding other avenues of meeting people. Of course! But really, telling someone to give up, didn’t sound very professional to me.
Michelle says
This was an important thing to talk about Evan. I’m 26 and I live in NYC. I have lived here for almost a decade and have been single for most of it. I am one of those people who has had to train themselves into being comfortable with being alone and accepting of the idea that I may always be, and I’m satisfied with how far I’ve come. I was riding the train today and thinking about how grateful I am to not be dealing with the headaches and disappointments most people eventually suffer in long term relationships.
The gift of perpetual singleness is hard to appreciate, because it’s not marked by the same uplifting, intoxicating feeling that finding love is, but the gift is the absence of the kinds of things Henrietta #4 mentioned in her anecdotes about miserable married people. The gift is peaceful neutrality.
Sometimes I am effected significantly by what Josevant #12 talked about, and it can really knock me down, but I tell myself the same things Moxie told the woman in the blog post and I deal.
The only downside to having to deal is that I’ve become a lot less sympathetic to the relationship problems of people I perceive as being able to easily find partners. Much in the same way people with kids are unsympathetic to the problems of the childfree. I know of a picture perfect couple who married this Spring and have announced their separation this week. They’re caucasian, conventionally attractive, smart, funny, socially well connected; If they want they’ll be able to find equally good people whenever they feel ready to, given this, I could care less that they may be devastated by their split. I just don’t care about their pain in this particular regard because so much of my day to day is dealing with the pain of not having a shred of the luck they have.
Meena says
Michelle, I’m also 26 & in NYC. Your response sounds a lot like myself.
I’ve been single for almost 2yrs now — for the first time after being in 2 separate long-term relationships for nearly a decade. The last one was just completely emotionally draining & even verbally abusive. I feel very similarly to you. I have many friends who have no trouble finding an SO, getting proposed to, married, etc. whereas I can’t even find a man who has mutual feelings for me to take me to dinner. All I get are the guys I have no interest in. Then I met someone I really liked, but of course with my luck, he didn’t feel the same at all and now ignores me. So I can also say I do feel less sympathetic to my friends when they have relationship issues. I’d rather have a great bf who forgot to call me for the hour, than another weekend night sipping hot cocoa in front of my laptop…
I have begun to accept the thought that I might end up alone. My life is already filled with friends, hobby, a developing career, etc. But I do feel that life is better with a companion. We are social animals, and I enjoy my solitude, but I do wish I had someone who felt mutually and wanted to be around me.
Gina says
I’m 51, and was married twice. In the past, I think that I came off as needy (and attracted dysfunctionally unhealthy men) because of my fear of growing old alone. What life has taught me is that: (1) Being married is no guarantee that you will not grow old alone, or that you will not be lonely (I have felt far more lonely as a married woman than I’ve ever felt being single); (2) Being single does not necessarily mean that you are lonely, or that you will grow old alone (Especially so, if you have friends and family that care about you); (3) You can do everything right (do the necessary work on yourself in order to become a better person, and put yourself in a variety of situations so as to increase your chances of meeting someone special), and still there are no guarantees. Likewise, there are no guarantees that if you meet the right person and get married that you will not end up alone in the end (statistically speaking, most women out live their spouses and end up growing old alone).
My late mother used to say, “We came into this world alone (me:unless we are twins, triplets, etc.) and we will go out alone.”
I believe that it is important to live your life to the fullest regardless as to whether you have someone to share it with or not, because tomorrow is not promised. I am living a very happy and fulfilled life as a single person RIGHT NOW. If someone comes along in the future and is able to enhance my life even more, then I welcome that experience. If not, I don’t want to miss out on living a ridculously happy life because I do not have someone to share it with.
Zina says
With all due respect, Evan, Moxie’s overall blog, philosophy and message to the singles are drastically different from yours. I used to read her blog regularly (found it thru the reference on your blog) but stopped after a few months. Her blog is more about HOW TO navigate the world of online dating – decoding dating and mating behavior and culture, so to speak. That, in itself, is not bad; it’s educational for tons naive and inexperienced folks trying to find someone online. What really turned me off her blog was the “wake up and smell the reality : there is no lid for every pot, so you should just date for fun, and here is how to do it” attitude she promotes. Moxie, if you are reading this, I’m sure you will rip me apart here with objections, but I have walked away from my computer ever night feeling depressed and hopeless. Your blog, Evan, is both educational and uplifting, and it gives us hope – and tools – for actually finding someone.
Girl in the Midwest says
@ Chance #8:
I like what you have to say. I try to remind myself that my identity isn’t just a girlfriend or wife, it’s also a friend, daughter, mother (hopefully in the future), and healthcare worker (my job). And I think my first comment does give away the fact that sometimes I put way too much emphasis on finding a life partner and expecting him to be my everything. That has backfired in the past. So thank you for the reminder.
josavant says
More on media and its propagation of the idea that the married and family life is how we should all live. Not too long ago there was a stink in the news because a Cheerios commercial showed a biracial family – white mom, black dad, mixed race daughter – enjoying Cheerios. Racists wrote in protesting the commercial, which prompted nonracists to write in protesting the protestors. This commercial was supposed to be seen as revolutionary. OK, it was, and good for them. But you know what would be really revolutionary? If there were a commercial showing a single person enjoying her bowl of Cheerios alone and blissfully happy in her studio apartment. Single people eat cereal as much as couples and families, maybe more. Companies need to think who they’re marketing to. They pitch subtle messages about what kind of life we’re suppose to want, which is why car companies show beautiful women draped on their cars. Married life is shown as ideal. Time for ads and commercials that show singles can lead happy lives too.
Androgynous says
Zina, I’m not sure which fantasy exactly that you are so determined to cling onto. The fanatasy that says that you will eventually find your soul mate – the one and only true love that God or whatever has made for you – the man who is so dashingly handsome, strong, courageous – a true hero in every sense of the word, who loves you more than his own life – who will do anything for you – go to the ends of the earth to search for you and save you from your miserable lonely life. And that you’d live together forever and ever, in great love that will last generations and generations till the end of time itself.
Or, maybe that fantasy that says No, there is no one who is perfect out there, you need to keep dating to see who, out of the whole lot of less than perfect candidates, you can find some modicum of happiness and security with. Love and live in a way that there is no tomorrow, because they really may not be a tomorrow. Love changes, love dies, love evolves but you move with the flow, with faith and hope. Even though you don’t know what is around the corner, you enjoy and savour what is making you happy NOW, not what you think you would like to make you happy or what you think will make you happy or what you think the media and your friends say will make you happy orr what you think the media and your freinds will say will make you happy.
Love, like life itself, is dynamic and ever changing and changes you. Grasp it !
Michelle says
“I would guess that confirmation bias is one of the leading reasons why so many men and women who seek long term commitment end up 40 or older and single. All their lives they’ve heard the same things over and over again. Their belief systems have been reinforced by perpetually listening to or being told the same thing day in and day out. You really want to make a change, OP? Get out of what ever vacuum you exist in and start fresh. This goes for everybody. Cut out all the people and places and ways you hear about how hard dating is and how awful men and women are and how this doesn’t work and that doesn’t work. Tune. It. Out. Because if you truly make finding a relationship a priority and you develop your own belief system based solely on your experiences and your experiences alone, your opportunities will increase ten fold. It’s time to get comfortable with it being just you, because that may be how it turns out.
I have to say that this article gave me a shot in my arm. Because instead of reminding me of my status, it reminded me of my mindset.
Let me explain….This article made me realize that my station is my problem, and mine alone. No one else can walk this journey for me. No one else can care more about my singleness than me. And moving forward, making changes and deciding what is best for me is my problem and mine alone.
Expecting anyone else to have empathy, sympathy, FAIL. Don’t get me wrong, finding support and having support while you go through the trials and tribulations is awesome, but expecting anyone to care more than me, or want me to be successful more than me, or have answers to questions that stump me, seems to me to be a recipe for extreme disappointment.
I didn’t see this article so much as spelling out that not everyone finds a chair when the music stops, so much as I read it as…If I am expecting to find the answers for my problems from some one else than I may never have them answered. Just like Dorothy, some things you have to figure out on your own.
susan says
am i afraid I’ll end up alone? heck yes. I have a core belief that we are made to partner. and even though, as I write this I am just two weeks out of the repartnered relationship i thought was going to last until the day I died, I still believe in happy ever after.
My love is afraid of being alone too – and my guess is that this will lead him into another relationship very quickly – a great pity as he ended this one as unable to maintain it due to a bunch of ”issues” he admits he is not ready to deal with.
Sure, anyone can be happy single, the unpartnered life is not an unfulfilled one, or anything to be viewed negatively – but I stick by my claim – we are not designed to be alone.
Karmic Equation says
Adopt a dog or a cat from your local shelter or a local rescue. You’ll never be alone if you have a pet that loves and depends on you and provides the kind of unconditional love that we all need.
I have three dogs, all rescued. I never go home to an empty house. When I”m happy they’re there to share it with me with their wagging tails. When I’m sad, they cuddle with me and let me cry on their shoulders with uncanny empathy.
I’ll never be alone again because of my pets.
Happiness is a choice. Meaning go out and actively choose it and do something about. Not trying to make do with what you have (or have not).
If you’re happy, being alone is ok.
Marie says
This is an interesting quandary. I can sympathize from both sides. I’ve been alone and dating sporadically most of my life but my heart was never in it. I was perfectly happy with my profession, family, friends. I couldn’t understand why my girl friends spent such an inordinate amount of time angsting over men when I spent that time improving my career. It seemed like a big to do about nothing and why can’t women just be alone rather than sometimes accepting a half assed relationship to be part of a couple?
Then in my 30’s I decided I should give relationships a try and after a couple false starts I met my fiancé who is a really good guy. It’s like I have known him all my life and he is the sweetest manly man possible. Now I get what all the hubbub was about and I get why people spend inordinate amounts of time and effort to get this type of love. It’s not that I was unhappy alone, I was happy, it’s just that the level of happiness compared to now is like black and white vs color TV. I shudder to think that had I not chosen to take dating more seriously I could have still been happily alone and missed out on all this. What I wished was that someone would have kicked me in the head sooner and told me to date because I almost missed the boat. So I applaud people who are okay with being alone but also would like to encourage those who want to find someone not to give up. It’s okay to keep trying too. Some of my single girlfriends have stopped trying and adopted cats, which is fine but they are really upset at me because I have just adopted two cats from a shelter with my fiancé. They see us all together and they wished they could have that. But they aren’t getting out there and trying anymore because they’ve given up.
DT says
At 33, I have this fear. I have a problem attracting the men I like. Living in NYC it seems like the earth opened up and swallowed eligible men in their 30’s. It’s hard to want something, see others easily get it and be told not to give it importance. Especially knowing what it feels like to be coupled and knowing how much better it is to being alone. It’s not especially helpful for anyone at any age to resign themselves to that possibility. Far better to try new things and get out of one’s comfort zone and change one’s approach. That seems to be more hopeful than resignation because it feels like we have more control over things. To not feel like we have any control over something that we do actually have some control over is defeatist, and subsequently depressing. Taking action to me is far better than lowering a problem in rank of importance. Action means the possibility things can change. The letter writer’s angst may be fueled at the moment by a guy she likes not liking her back. Maybe taking that out of the equation, her frustrations would be less of a problem. Rejection tends to cause us to draw attention to our faults and to our sense of lack of. So it makes sense she’s feeling especially frustrated at the moment.
Erika Avila says
This is a very delicate topic, I think we can’t be defending one side only.
Of course, I know I don’t depend on anyone else to be truly happy, our circumstances don’t make us happy or unhappy, as a matter of fact we need to love and know ourselves first so we can be in a relationship with someone. And in the other hand, I dream about being married, having kids, sharing my life with that special person and growing together through our difficulties. And I dont’ blame myself for having that need, it’s a natural feeling, no matter the age, because even when you are 50, 60 or even 80 you are still being the same person you were all your life in many aspects, I know it because I’ve talked to old people who don’t only remember, but recognize the feeling of being with the one you like, and they wish they were be younger so they could get back to those days.
There’s a huge pressure from society on being in a relationship or at least having a fuck buddy to spend your days alone. even my pets (cats, dogs) find partners,, lol xD
In the Bible we can read something related to this; not only people but animals were also made in couples (male, female), let’s go back to school for a while and remember the main characteristics of living things BORN, GROW, REPRODUCE AND last but not least DIE.
REPRODUCE: we need someone to make it, our family and friends WON’T..
Genesis 2:
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for[a] him.”
21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
God knows and understands our needs, so am sorry for all the ones who don’t want to be alone for the right reasons, the good news is they can find love and strenght only if they get close to him.
Lau_ra says
@Marie
Please, explain what you mean by saying that you’ve started taking your love life more seriously?
On this “I wish I knew earlier” thing that you’ve metioned – the thing is nothing actually happens on a schedule, at least not in love life, unless you set yourself one and then take people as means to achieve it. We act in the limits of particular understanding in that particular time. I never was the kind of girl who dreams about marriage and kids and a house in suburb, so I didn’t give much meaning for that for the most of my twenties. Many people told me I will miss the boat, etc. etc., but the thing is that only now I know what I truly want in my life and in my partner. 4y ago a guy I was in relationship with then, asked me to marry him and I said no. I couldn’t actually grasp what it was then (had very little experience with men in general, as I was a total late-bloomer), yet now I know that relationship wasn’t healthy. Had I surrendered to that fearful thinking that people tried to impose on me, I’d definitely be in a dysfunctional marriage now with a couple of kids and little prospects to sort out things with myself first. So I think theres no point of saying “wish someone told me this earlier” or smth, cause we only learn things at a certain time, when we are actually ready to take the lesson, e.g. last year I finally unlearned to engage in relationships with emotionally unavailable men. I’m single now and I’m at the point where I can totally accept the idea of living alone for the rest of my life (OK, just turned 30 several months ago, but still). What disturbs me more is the thought that this alone life might be mostly sexless, not the fact of living alone in general, actually.
So I totally agree that people should still keep dating and etc. – at least they won’t regret on not even trying.
Marie says
Hi Laura – I didn’t mean one should just get married for the heck of it, I meant that I should have been more actively conscious of the learning process and tools to date efficiently and appropriately earlier so that I could consciously evaluate my partners etc. So I wish someone could have told me earlier things on this blog like when you hit 30 it may start getting harder to date, etc. I had to cram in a lot of dating in 6 months and a lot of education with EMK and I feel like I got pretty lucky that I managed it now. Or else when I met my fiancé I don’t think I would have had the tools to handle him the way I did.
I guess I’m a lot more deliberate than you. Have you read Evan’s last newsletter? “Inevitability Thinking is about having the confidence to know you can create any given outcome, if you outline a plan and create the conditions to execute the plan.”. I approached finding my husband exactly like what was outlined. I had a plan, a schedule, of what I needed to learn, when during the week I went out on dates, how many people I emailed, what I needed to do to work on myself. I got a dating coach. I was positive and optimistic because I felt like even when things weren’t working out I was still moving forward and would do better next time. Yes there is some element of luck to finding love but you have to have the tools to recognize and make the best of a golden opportunity when it hits you. You can train yourself for love just like anything else. I probably missed a lot of opportunities because I was oblivious or unprepared. Yes in fact love can happen on a schedule if you create the right plan to put the pieces in place. I see a lot of women who bemoan why they are alone yet I don’t see them creating any kind of opportunity for themselves. I’m not one to believe the right guy would pop out of the sky when I’m ready. You have to go out there with a good plan and find him!
Lau_ra says
@Marie
Well I wasn’t assuming that you got married just for the sake of it,no way, I just wanted to know what you meant exactly by that saying and I get your point.
I’ve come into this “conscious” phase last year and I already knew the pool of eligible candidates is way smaller than in my mid-twenties, so its not like I assume that Mr. Right must fall from the sky or whatever – I do get I have to put effort into the process and I do go out, and date and etc., not just wait for love to happen while sitting at home.
Joli says
I have to step in and voice my opinion on this post.
I am 49 years old and will be 50 in a couple of months. I have more dates now than I ever did in my thirties and early forties. (I didn’t date for six years in my early-to-mid forties.) I’ve joined dating sites, and I love to dance. I go out frequently with my friends.
This is what I’ve discovered. Once I changed my attitude, my dating life blossomed. For the first time in my life I am dating around, and I’m meeting wonderful men. I’ve stopped focusing on meeting Mr. Right and have switched gears to embracing Mr. Right Now. I live in the moment.
Now that I’m dating around, I feel no more pressure about relationships. I no longer obsess about when “he” will text, call, or ask me out again. I don’t continuously wonder, “Where is this going?” I’ve learned to relax and just “be” and allow my relationships to develop organically. I wish I would have taken this approach a decade ago.
I have a friend who struggles with dating. She dates the wrong men. She gets possessive about a man’s time before he gives her a commitment, and she refuses to take my approach, even though it’s working like a charm for me. In fact, she constantly retorts that I don’t have a problem finding dates. I tell her to be the “cool girl.” Don’t get angry if he can’t see you this weekend. Date other men. Have more girls’ nights out. Always be gracious and sweet when he calls. My philosophy is until a man offers a commitment of monogamy, he owes me nothing. She continues to stay miserable in her pursuits.
I date around but I don’t sleep around. I am, in essence, auditioning men for the role of my next boyfriend. Although I’m seeing wonderful men, I’ve not quite turned the corner into wanting a commitment with any one of them yet. My former self would have committed first and learned about the man second. I’ve switched gears. I don’t plan to date around forever, just for as long as it takes to find someone with whom I want to spend all of my time with.
Regardless of your age, join dating sites and make your profile shine. Don’t write a cookie-cutter version of the other profiles. Post pictures of yourself having fun. When you go out, don’t go out to meet men. Go out to have fun. I’ve discovered that when I go out to have fun with no other agenda, men tend to gravitate my way. I’ve concluded that you don’t have to be the prettiest woman in the room to shine and to get a man’s attention.
No dates at 50-something? You can easily change that. I’ve been dating men between the ages of mid-thirties to late fifties. It’s all about letting go and living life. That’s when men will gravitate toward you. I know that the next time I make a commitment to someone, I’ll have a better idea of who I’m waking next to.
Marie says
@Laura – sure I get your point. I wasn’t trying to imply you just sit around. I was trying to answer your question as to why love can be more on a schedule than most women think.
@Joli – yes you make my point. If these women in their 30’s date like you do at 49 I bet they would be happier but as you point out they may not know how to date like this. I certainly wouldn’t have had I not pushed myself to research dating. And I wanted a family so waiting until I figured this out on my own in my 40’s would have not been a good option for me.
K says
@Joli bravo. Wise way to go about dating and I’m glad you are having fun at 49! I’m finally learning that way of doing things in mid 30s, glad to have figured out sooner than later:).
Joli says
It’s too bad that it took 49 years to try this approach. Actually, it was this site that got me on board with this approach (as well as being tired of partners who disappointed me). The last three men I dated did not want monogamy. Now that I am dating several men, I’m finding men who do want to find a monogamous relationship. You’ve got to smile at the irony.
Here’s the real kicker: The key to dating this way is to change your perception. I keep telling my friend to stop worrying if she is “good enough” for the men she meets. I tell her to ask herself, instead, if the men she meets are compatible with HER needs.
Dating this way means that I never have to be alone during the weekend unless I really want to be alone. AND, I date during the week now instead of just weekends. I never thought I could see more than one man at a time, but this process has allowed me to exhale and enjoy meeting new people.
Lau_ra says
@Marie
Nobody implied nothing. Good then:)
@Joli
I do agree with your view towards dating – thats how I’ve always been doing it, yet it didn’t bring me any solid results so far – no serious relationships in last 4 years, just short flings – perpetuum single could be my 2nd name. And I often hear from men themselves (friends, their acquaintances and etc.), that they see me as someone who is a totally independant party girl (party girl? me? just cause I like to live an active social life, instead of sitting home and making a pitty party?), who exudes high level of confidence and has sex-appeal (though I definitely ain’t the prettiest woman in the crowd) and doesn’t need a man (well of course I don’t need a man, I want a man, which is something way different).
So I was totally confused for some time, thinking if I do something wrong by not suffocating men with demands or not initiating anything if they don’t show any effort to elaborate communication / relationship.
Of course, I’m “guilty” of trying to re-make me at some point, to become “good enough” so that guys would want the comittment. Yet any time I was trying to “fit” the expectations of some man it brought me nothing but heartbreak, and I can tell such decisions were absolutely the most stupid thing I’ve ever done.
But then I was “enlightened” enough to see that I am just dating wrong men-those who have no interest in developing anything meaningful with me (I was a rebound for them/ they loved their work more than a possibility to live a real life/etc.), so my relaxed strategy only works until the guy starts to feel like the moment of “step up or flight” is approaching. So many times its not the attitude towards dating that “makes a problem”, but the type of people we’re interested in.
The only thing I do different is that I do sleep with some of guys at times. Maybe some people might think its nothing but slutting around, yet at this point I definitely think like I man – I don’t want to stay celibate until the right guy comes along.
Actually, I think the most difficult aspect of practising this relaxed approach for younger women is that they usually want a family, and possibilities of starting a family get limited with age, so many of them feel a certain amount of pressure to find someone until they’d have to rival with hoards of younger and prettier women.
Julia says
@Lau_ra
I am 32 and have been dating like this for the past year and a half. Yes, I am single, yes I’ve had 2 boyfriends and no, I’m not any closer to getting married than I was before. However, the option of giving up at 30? You gotta be kidding me, that’s not an option at all. You give up and kiss your dreams goodbye because you just haven’t dated the right guy yet? Seems silly. I think you should reevaluate how long you are sticking around with guys who aren’t giving you what you need and keep on trucking. I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months, 2 months ago and I have a 3rd date with a guy tonight. You just have to keep on trying.
Lau_ra says
@Julia
Where do you see a line that says “I give up”? I said you should not give up and summed up my experiences which proved me that the relaxed way of dating is much better than paranoid thinking that my boat is leaving.
Joli says
@Lau_ra,
What is working for me right now is dating men who I would have never even considered before. They have to be “nice,” but otherwise, I’ve been dating against “my type” with sweet results.
I have a history of gravitating toward men I find exciting, yet they often tend to be the wrong types of men. By allowing other men in my field of vision, I’m actually discovering that there are a lot of GREAT men out there. I just walked through life with blinders on and wasn’t willing to go out with them.
I think it’s so easy to get caught up in who we think is our “type.” We all do it. However, I’ve discovered that I don’t need the male version of ME. There are a few qualities I must see in a man to get my attention, but everything else is flexible. How can I possibly know if a man is compatible with me if I don’t look beyond the type of man I’ve always dated?
I’ve stopped looking for men who can fulfill all of my needs. If I want to go dancing, my gal pals can go with me. If I want to talk about my career, I’ve got work for that. I’ve slowly but surely have learned to appreciate men for their individual qualities as well as how well they treat the women in their lives. That is far more important than finding someone who likes to work out because I like to work out or who likes to read the same books I do.
You’re right. Many younger women feel pressured to start a family and spend their energies looking for “the one.” There are many years of fertility ahead of most young women. I’d say that this approach is equally as important to them because they can find a life partner more quickly by dating several men at once than they will by dating one man at a time, several months at t time.
Goldie says
@ Joli, I have a question about your #39
“I’ve stopped looking for men who can fulfill all of my needs. If I want to go dancing, my gal pals can go with me. If I want to talk about my career, I’ve got work for that.”
While I agree that no one can (or should be expected to) fulfill all of anyone’s needs, I’d like to know, if you don’t mind me asking – in your dating experience, where do you draw the line? what are the minimum compatibility requirements? I imagine it cannot be zero, because in a serious relationship, you won’t have all that much time to go dancing and pursuing other hobbies with your friends. You’ll be spending most of your free time with your SO, just because your free time is pretty limited to begin with. So considering that, shouldn’t there be something you two like to do together for fun? Even if you say a marriage or LTR is a long shot, but even on a date, what do you do with a man that you have no common interests with? or do you still expect there to be some common interests? Thanks.
Joli says
@Goldie, I’m happy to clarify.
I am actually more optimistic now that I will find a LTR, but I also embrace the short-term relationships because I can have fun with a variety of people.
For instance, I’m seeing a man now who is 10 years younger, but it doesn’t seem to be an issue. He’s intelligent, mature, and has a stable career. He’s easy to be with, and he treats me like a lady. I love music, and I love to dance. He’ll dance with me, but karaoke is his real passion. When we go out, we tend to combine both of our interests. I have a first date in a few days with a man (about my age) who plays in a band that I have followed for a couple of years. I have no idea if he likes to dance, but music is our common connection. (I have danced to his band’s music many times!) Both of these men are worthy of a LTR. I’m just not obsessed with the notion of finding someone to live the rest of my life with RIGHT NOW because there are a lot of wonderful people out there with whom I can have fun in the meantime.
I would never consider a LTR with an individual who has no common interests with me. There has to be some level of connection; however, my list of “must haves” has been through several revisions. Intelligence is a must. Laughter is important, so I really enjoy men who have a sense of humor that is compatible with my own. I also need someone who is not jealous and who doesn’t feel threatened when I have time with friends. I cannot be with a man with an explosive temper because when I was much younger, I was involved in two abusive relationships. Volatile tempers are deal breakers with me.
I recently ended a dating relationship (we are still friends) with a man who was 13 years younger. He treated me very well; however, intellectually, we were on different levels. He also seemed childlike in many ways, not because of his age but because of his personality. And, his lack of grooming was a big turn-off. Enough said.
When I am in a serious relationship, I put a lot of time and effort into it. I need someone who can agree to disagree and will talk about issues because I don’t want to go through life arguing about the small stuff. What I have learned through this new way of dating is that what I was attracted to in the past and the man who is most compatible with me are not necessarily one and the same. I’m more open minded about who I will date now.
Honestly, I find it ironic that my dating life has become so fulfilling now that I am approaching 50. Where do I draw the line? Too young (twenty-somethings) and too old (men who are within a decade of my mother’s age). Explosive tempers. Smokers (because the smoke nauseates me). Men who are not my intellectual equal. Men with no goals. Men who act “old.” Men who are so set in their ways that they no longer pursue some kind of adventure in life. Men who drunk dial me. Alcoholics and drug abusers.
Yes, I do have deal breakers, but I’ve also found that the men I’ve had the most fun with are the same men I would have never considered dating in the past. I’ve also been pleasantly surprised that these men that I would have previously turned down have more character and depth than I would have ever imagined. Integrity is paramount, and I’m finding more men with integrity now that I date multiple men than I did when I was trudging through one relationship at a time. I am optimistic that a LTR is in the near future. I’m just not pushing for one at the moment.
Goldie says
Thank you Joli. Good advice! I will certainly keep it in mind now that I’m getting ready to go back to dating again. Best wishes to you in your love life!
Lau_ra says
@Joli,
you definitely have very good points here in all of your comments.
Joli says
Update: I’m now in a committed relationship. It took three months and dating around with eight different men to find him.
Kathleen says
Joli
Thats pretty fast. I love your attitude. So how did you handle men that were pressuring you for sex and how did you discuss your requirement for monogamy?
Mickey says
Fear? No.
Resignation? Yes.
Mickey says
Erika #28:
Genesis 2:
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for[a] him.”
21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
God knows and understands our needs, so am sorry for all the ones who don’t want to be alone for the right reasons, the good news is they can find love and strength only if they get close to him.
Scripture also says, among many others, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and “With God, all things are possible.”
Admittedly, in my severely limited thinking I have a hard time reconciling those verses to the fact that there is tension (if not outright hostility) between the sexes.
So, when the time comes for me to leave this earth, and I have not experienced a significant other who loved me for me, I don’t think I would regret it. After all, one can never miss what one never had, right?
Joli says
@Kathleen#45,
I didn’t have any issues with men pressuring me for sex. I made it clear that I would only become intimate with a man with whom I was in a monogamous relationship. I guess I was lucky.
The biggest issue is that some people thought that dating around was cruel to the men who were attracted to the idea of having a relationship to me. I was completely upfront about what I was doing and encouraged the men to date around if they felt it was necessary. The most difficult part was telling a very nice man that I had chosen someone else.
This is the first time in my life that I had chosen to date around. It worked out well for me. The man I chose was an acquaintance I had known for two and-a-half years. It took only one date for both of us to decide that a monogamous relationship was worth pursuing.
Erika says
Mickey#47:
Admittedly, in my severely limited thinking I have a hard time reconciling those verses to the fact that there is tension (if not outright hostility) between the sexes.So, when the time comes for me to leave this earth, and I have not experienced a significant other who loved me for me, I don’t think I would regret it. After all, one can never miss what one never had, right?
Mickey,
Tension between sexes is just one of the many obstacles we decide to fight or not in order to find and keep a relationship, as I mentioned at the beggining of my comment; This is a very delicate topic, I think we can’t be defending one side only.
I used those verses mentioned in the Bible as a reference only, so we can have different points of view regarding this topic, but I know from people who have found partners by praying, I mean is not all about praying, our desires come along with actions, which means that the person who prays, will also make an effort to meet people, do more activities.,etc
If we see it from another perspective, we don’t always get what we want, we get what we need, and in many cases we get what we deserve. So there’s a possibility of not getting answers from God regarding finding and meeting someone, just because that’s not in his plans for you.
And of course I agree with the fact that one can never miss what one never had, but at least when the time comes for me to leave this earth I’d love to know I did all I could in order to make my dream of finding someone come true. 🙂
Kathleen says
Jolie 48
Im happy for you and thanks for your encouraging post.
Im a similar age as you. I think dating several men until you decide on one is very smart. I cant imagine someone saying its cruel. Think it keeps you objective, unattached to an outcome and think if men have a sense of the competition they will be more inspired to “claim” you.
I think when you have known someone before in real life you can have many reference points to their character. In the online world, many guys are not so accountable for bad behavior so it doesnt surprise me you made a decision in one date.
all the best!
judy says
Joli 41 – I loved your post. And so happy you found the right man. Good for you!
Erika 49 – Yes, in theory, it’s wonderful to believe that tadida, being close to God is the best thing in life. In reality, I’d rather be warm in bed with a physical man than with a spiritual being. Sorry to be brutal, but this God stuff tends to get truly up my nose when what I want most is not my Bible, but a kiss, cuddle, sex, and affection.
With my deepest apologies if that offends you, but the Bible also tells us to tell the truth. And that is my truth.
Erika says
Judy ¨ In reality, I’d rather be warm in bed with a physical man than with a spiritual being. Sorry to be brutal, but this God stuff tends to get truly up my nose when what I want most is not my Bible, but a kiss, cuddle, sex, and affection.
With my deepest apologies if that offends you, but the Bible also tells us to tell the truth. And that is my truth. ¨
If you rather be with a man than with a Bible, that is easy to do, you can go get it without making nasty comments regarding God and his word, I know this topic annoys you because every single thing I said is true. I can tell you need sex as hell lol your matter of perception is based in sex only, you didn ´t mention other thing rather than needing sex, and affection and a kiss, really? you sound like a teen, by the way are you 13 or something? If that ´s all you need from a man you don ´t need to make a huge effort unless you are ugly, but even if you were a mini skirt, and a bunch of makeup would help you get it asap…. I mean sex only, don ´t ask me about keeping him.
Steve says
I know why I’ll end up alone… because I’m too ugly to attract anyone. Some say I look OK, but I think this is just a variant of the old “You’ll find love when you least expect it” nonsense. They don’t want to tell the truth about how I really look because they think they’re sparing my feelings, or they don’t wish to appear shallow.
Seriously, if I wasn’t so ugly, I would have found someone by now instead of being on this endless ride of rejection, more rejection, and “let’s just be friends” and a whole bunch of other garbage.
A good dose of confidence is of no value when people can’t get past your looks.
Truth says
For many of us men it really sucks to be all Alone since we’re hoping to find love with a Good Woman. Loneliness certainly sucks for many of us.
Willow says
This is depressing. I know myself, and if I don’t find love in the next couple of years (I’m 31 now) I will end my own life. I’ve been in search of it my whole life. Never had a father or husband. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To end up alone would be the final insult in my pathetic life.
Julian says
Just because someone is having a difficult time meeting someone doesn’t mean there is something wrong with her or him. That’s what most “therapists” and the like espouse; that eventually, it must be something wrong with you.
Really? I’m 33, living in Brooklyn for many years. I am in great athletic shape, I have served in the military for over 9 years, traveled many places. have many interests, have taken part in so many different social activities to meet people, volunteered actively, accepted meet ups, set ups and screw ups and yet–after all this I am still on my own. After revolving around the sun 33 times, I can count on a few fingers people who are close to me. and I can also say that after much counseling, therapy, self improvement, reading, journal writing, reading and introspective work, there is nothing wrong with me. I simply needed to fine tune a few issues but there is nothing inherently wrong with me.
I have met women on trains, on the street, in church, in school and so on and so on.
It saddens me to say, almost 99% of them were catfish–otherwise known as not truly single and not truly honest. How come we have such a hard time accepting that there is also something very much amiss in our society? People would rather text than call, rather play on Facebook than in real life and quite frankly, if you look at marriage statistics, people are getting married less and less each year.
Am I a loner by choice? Yes and no. Anyone who live in NYC, holler if you are reading this because you know how rough it can be. I also don’t have one more minute to waste, not one second, not one more. I have no time to throw on foolishness or simply going along with everyone else and having casual sex or dating just to not be alone. Truth is, the darkness is scary. So I embrace it just like I embrace the light. You can’t threaten me with warnings that I’ll end alone because I already have been for over 8 years. Most people will do everything they can to grab anyone just not to be alone—only to end up alone in the end.
I have spent many years doing what most people never do: getting to know who they are, really taking the time to know themselves. And though it has been crushingly brutal, sad and often vicious, that’s just how our world has become. What have I realized from all of this? I cannot live without love and I cannot do it without God. It is going to take a miracle to find a good relationship today.
And I sincerely hope that all of you, especially the ones crushed by loneliness, find what God Has for you. I feel you and pray for people like us every day.
You’re not the only ones out here in the cold.
Carl says
Well for many of us good single men out there that are still looking for a good woman to settle down with, we do fear that this is the way that our life is going to be. I will certainly admit that i really hate being single and i rather find a good woman to have a relation ship with instead of being all alone with no one, and when all your family members and friends are settled down which they were very blessed to find the love of their life certainly upsets us even more. But many women these days are very independent, spoiled, and selfish which will add to our problem, especially since many of them nowadays think their God’s gift to men which makes it worse for us looking for love which does have a lot to do with it too. It very obvious that many women don’t need a man to survive since many of them can make it on their own, and the women of years ago were certainly much different than the ones that are out there today which it was a lot easier meeting many good women in those days since most of them along with their men that had to work very hard to make ends meat.. Now most women are very spoiled just like i mentioned, and many women are now very high maintenance since many of them don’t even want a relationship anymore. It is very obvious why there are so many of us single men nowadays, and we really can’t even blame ourselves since most women now are nothing like the good old fashioned women were which is the reason why the divorce rate is so out of control now thanks to all the cheating women out there today.
Diane says
This is all such BS. I was married for 20 years to a man who I loved unconditionally and found out later I was married to a complete liar – even had 3 kids together. Evan can go on and on about “good” men out there who don’t lie, cheat or abuse, but the fact is they do – all of them. I waited 3 years after my divorce to date – by choice- because my children needed my focus (they were young teens then). I met a man at a dinner party, had NO intention at that time to have a relationship, but it ended up developing into one. One that I enjoyed a lot, became great friends and fell in what I thought was love. He told me he loved me, wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives, neither of us wanted marriage but we were talking about having a “commitment” ceremony. I adored him. We always laughed, had loads of fun together and it was such a nice easy going relationship. Then- OF COURSE-I find out he has been seeing others behind my back. He knew what I went through in my marriage, and still put me through that same garbage. Men have no honor, only intention. Intention to get what they want, intention to lie, intention to cheat on really good, wonderful women, intention to prove to themselves that they are somehow superior. Well, I told him goodbye when I found out. There was no drama, I wished him well and blocked/deleted him from my phone, email, etc…It’s the same thing over and over with most women I know. Men CANNOT be faithful. It’s not in them. I don’t care who you are. Given the chance, they will cheat and lie. So, at the ripe old age of 49 I am done. I am so pissed off, that no man would want to be around me anyway. Plus, I would not give another man any chance in hell to try and prove me wrong. It’s not worth it. They are not worth it. I like me, and being with me. I do not need a relationship, nor do I want one ever again. I do not think there is anything wrong with that. Besides, there is not one man on this planet that could ever treat a loyal woman correctly. They just aren’t capable over the long haul.
VeryHonest says
Well i certainly rather be single instead of being in a very bad marriage.
Nicole says
@ Joli: Thank you, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve just realized in the past week that I’ve recently made the common mistake of losing my fun vibe by putting so much pressure on myself to get married and have kids based on some ridiculous timeline that I’ve had for a decade now. It has turned me into a needy and obsessive freak who is probably scaring the shit out of the men I’m dating. The funny thing is in the past, I never used to focus on this because I always felt like I had plenty of time!
Since I am quickly approaching 27 and still single (please be kind, folks, all of my close friends have been married for at least a year now, and of course I’m the one with an established career out of all of them) I know I need to throw the timeline out and I think the idea of just focusing on finding the right Mr. Right Now may just be the best approach. Recently I have been far too quick to accept offers of monogamy prior to really getting to know people (far too easy to do when online dating) just like you said you’ve done, and I think your idea is the best I’ve heard so far. Wish me luck in actually executing on this plan!
Helper says
I’m sorry, But the first response to this question is completely ignorant to the whole purpose of this website, People who are alone, Do not have anyone else to ask so they ask on here.
In what way is shattering there hopes of finding someone helping them rather then doing your job, being active with the problem and solving the apparent issue.
Everybody can find someone, expand your network, branch out, find new hobbies, go to your local community outlet.
Just be confident and be yourself.
Sad says
I am 29 living in NYC and have been single for 6 years…I just ended a 2 month fling with a guy who was feeding me crumbs. I am so sick of being alone I feel like a failure, unattractive, etc. I’m considering moving but fear doing it for the sole point of finding love (and failing) will compromise my happiness even more. I’ve tried being confident, joining clubs, being as fit as can be but nothing is working. I am now considering plastic surgery because I feel if I can be a 9 (versus a 7) my options will expand…but on the flip side if I end up looking “done” I may be digging myself into a deeper form of depression. Not sure what to do at this point. I am so sick of being alone I cry myself to sleep at night. It’s horrible! I know obsessing about it won’t make it better but I don’t know how to break the cycle! I know there are worse things in life than being single at 29 but no matter how much I try to change my mindset , gain perspective ( by volunteer for example) I feel so alone. For me being madly in love ( for 2 years in my early 20s) was a nasty trick because it showed be how colorful life could be in love and now I crave it more than anything else in life …
Stacy2 says
You should do all of the above. I had some work done when I was about 27, and the results were amazing (re improving dating prospects). I am not sure what you are considering doing, but a good doctor (I picked mine from the peer reviewed “best doctors” list) will definitely NOT leave you looking unnatural. Moving to SFBA is also a good idea. Hey. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do your surgery and move to Paolo Alto, NYC sucks in winter anyways. (hugs).
James says
It really does suck when you can never meet the love of your life when so many billions of other people on this planet were very fortunate to have that with their families which really makes me hate the holidays even more. What even makes it much worse is that if you have no children to fall back on which makes it a total disaster altogether. And for many of you that are together with your families which you have so very much to be very thankful for. Don’t you? Well i would certainly say so. Hold on to what you have.
Mike says
Well since the great majority of the women nowadays aren’t like the past at all, which is a very excellent reason why so many of us men will never find love unfortunately. A very big change in the women today from the old days.