Do You Want To Date People Who Don’t Want To Date You?

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A reader called me up last week to inquire about my dating coaching services.

She’s 57 years old.

She’s been divorced and widowed to two older men. Neither marriage sounded like a happy one. In our time on the phone, they sounded loveless, sexless and painful.

For that reason, she really wants to get back out there and find love again.

But because of the pain she suffered in the past, she made a rule for her new single life – a rule that she was NOT going to break, no matter what.

“I am not going to date any man who is my age or older.”

This woman is 57.

However, because she had to take care of sick, old men in the past, she swore she was not going to get stuck doing the same thing again.

Most dating coaches don’t turn down money under any circumstance.

It didn’t matter that one of her husbands was 20 years older. Now that she’s 57, all men her age are old, and she’s sure as hell not going to spend her remaining days tethered to a withered man in a wheelchair.

I told her that I didn’t blame her, but that I couldn’t take her on as a client.

She was surprised. Most dating coaches don’t turn down money under any circumstance.

I told her that she was restricting her options so greatly that I would have trouble guaranteeing her a positive result. And that’s my job – positive results.

She didn’t understand. What’s so wrong with a 57-year-old woman wanting a younger man? Men do it all the time. “It’s MY turn to have fun,” she remarked.

I told her that I appreciated that; however, it didn’t really matter what she wanted.

She was still confused. How could it not matter what she wants?

“Because it takes two to tango. If YOU want a man who doesn’t want YOU,” I explained, “There’s no relationship to discuss.”

I tried to explain it the other way around.

“What if an 80 year old man wrote to you online?”

“I’d ignore him, of course.”

“Exactly. Even though you’re what HE wants. Therefore it doesn’t matter what HE wants, if YOU don’t want the same thing.”

She reminded me that she looked young for her age.

I reminded her that she should do a search on Match.com to see what age range 55-year-old men were searching. In fact, I decided I would do it myself.

EVERYONE thinks that they’re young for their age.

Here goes: These are the age ranges that men, 50-56, are looking for:

40-50

33-47

34-48

45-55

40-50

37-42

30-42

30-45

25-53

48-52

45-55

Notice that there are more 30’s than there are 57’s.

Now, to be clear, this desire doesn’t mean these men are GETTING these younger women. Oh, no. Women in their 30’s are almost universally creeped out by receiving emails from men in their 50’s. But that doesn’t matter.

Put a 35-year-old woman side by side with a 57-year-old woman, and ask yourself what most men are going to pick. It’s predictable.

But that’s online dating. A place where you have the PERCEPTION of choice.

You’re not just competing with your peer group; you’re competing with EVERYONE on the website who is younger, thinner, etc.

It’s not fair. It’s not right. It just IS.

Due to the inherent biases of both men and women, the secret to dating – and online dating in particular – is to find the person who is OPEN to dating you. Yet most of us spend our time trying to convince others that they SHOULD be open to dating us.

This is what I was trying to convey to this lovely woman on the phone – not that it’s WRONG to want a younger man, but that it’s counterproductive to restrict herself exclusively to a community of men who are NOT OPEN to meeting her.

Then there was her false assumption that every man her age and older was going to be in bad shape like her former husbands. This is one of the strange hypocrisies of dating.

EVERYONE thinks that they’re young for their age.

So why doesn’t it occur to you that if YOU’RE young for your age, there’s a MAN just like YOU out there?

This should be inspiring, not saddening.

If you’re a quality woman looking for love online, your partner is somewhere out there wondering how to connect with you. And chances are, that man is having the same exact doubts about whether there’s any woman who is suitably young and vibrant.

Lest you think that you’re the only person who feels frustration at how unfair the opposite sex can be, let me share with you the first time I learned this lesson myself.

I was 29.

I was a struggling Hollywood writer.

Focus on the men who want you, and you’ll find a man you want as well.

I was supporting myself by selling hair restoration products by phone.

I was out for drinks at a fancy hotel bar with a female friend.

She was Ivy League-educated, thin, Jewish, quirky. I didn’t have a crush on her, per se, but I had respect and admiration for her. She was the type of person I saw myself with, even if I didn’t actually see myself with her.

Which is why I took it so personally when she said she’d never date another writer.

She said that writers were neurotic.

True.

She said that writers were financially unstable.

True.

She said that writers were largely unhappy because their dreams were never fulfilled.

True.

And so she’d made her decision – a decision that had nothing to do with me – yet it felt like it had EVERYTHING to do with me.

In that moment, I realized that no matter how much I valued myself, there were always going to be people who valued someone else more.

That’s a bitter pill to swallow. Guys like me don’t like having restrictions on whom we can date. You probably don’t like having restrictions either.

But that doesn’t mean there aren’t restrictions. I learned it firsthand.

If a woman said she wanted a guy with more money, there were PLENTY of guys with more money.

If a woman said she wanted a guy who is taller, there were PLENTY of guys who are taller.

If a woman said she wanted a guy who is laid-back and Zen, almost EVERY guy is going to get the nod over me.

I can wish that this weren’t the case, but you can’t be all things to all people at all times. You can only be the best person that you can be, and hope to attract the person that wants YOU, flaws and all.

If my wife couldn’t appreciate me despite all my neuroses, she wouldn’t be my wife.

And if a man doesn’t want to date you because you’re too old, heavy, short, or poor, well, then, he wouldn’t be a very good partner for you!

Focus on the men who want you, and you’ll find a man you want as well.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Chris Alison

    I totally disagree with this article.   I’m a 61 year old woman who looks more than 10 years younger than my age and that’s not what I think, this is what the people around me think.   I hang out with people in their late 40s, both men and women and most of them thought me their peer.   I always tell them my age to which their are aghast.   I’ve been mistaken for my oldest son’s GF & wife at least 3 times by strangers (he’s 37).   I am a widow and since I started online dating I have dated men in the mid-40s.   I am currently in a semi-relationship with a man 54 and believe me there are a plethora of younger men who would like to have me in their lives.

    I know lots of women who are dating and happy with men far younger than themselves.   The men who need a younger woman on their arm are totally insecure.   And I will add there are few men my age or older that meet my minimal requirements both physically and sexually.
      

  2. 42
    Jessica

    I’m 34. I have always dated near my age in my 20s. I am now in a relationship with a guy 10 years older. I have a few friends who are in their 40s, single, and looking. And you know what I feel slightly guilty. Because they tell me guys their age are looking for younger. He wants more kids, I want kids so it is biological in one sense. I messaged him but never would have seen him in   my search my upper limit was 40. But I saw him in the featured singles and his profile was funny. I said I’m shorter and younger than what you’re looking for….but you made me laugh. He, like the OP, thinks of himself as being a young 45. But when I tell my older female friends I kinda cringe on the inside because I wonder if they’re thinking she’s in her early 30s and took a guy my age.  

  3. 43
    judy

    I think that you can meet nice guys in daily life and creeps as well, at any age.   On a dating site (as in real life) you can say what you want about yourself but what you are comes over after a while.
      
      

  4. 44
    JGirl

    This is a conversation close to my heart..at 52 I am considered over the hill and feel   invisible in San Diego.   Yes.   the numbers listed above are totally right on.   I really do prefer men in my age bracket, 5 years younger to 5 years older…but I was told by a dating coach that I should be looking at 60 – 70, since men in their 50’s in my town want women under 45.   Men lie about their age to attract younger women..women lie about their age to attract men their own age.   
    I’ve given up on the internet dating and maybe will meet someone in “real life”

  5. 45
    Nick

    As a 53-year-old man in Los Angeles, my online dating experiences (and the comments in this thread) make me wonder what the “appropriate” age range for a man my age really is now. I am not looking for 30-something arm candy – I’m generally interested in women in the 45-to-50 range, of course with some flexibility in those numbers. But it seems increasingly common that many of the most desirable women in their late 40s make it clear they strongly prefer men younger than themselves – many won’t even consider a guy who is 5 to 8 years older. Are men in their (early) 50s really over the hill now? Jeez.  

  6. 46
    faded jade

    [email protected] did specify an age range in my profile, and am willing to go younger or older. But I’m a bit flexible.   I also specified that I want someone who lives a healthy lifestyle.   What I am looking for isn’t so much a number, but a combination of maturity (not to young emotionally) and good health and being in reasonable physical shape.   I’m pushing 60, and I know EVERYONE says it, but I am often mistaken for much younger.   About a year ago one man I dated in real life (not through Online dating)   asked me if I was willing to have another child.   I think he was shocked and disappointed to find out that I was around his age, and past my child bearing years. He thought he was getting a younger woman.   I’d gladly date a man in his late 60’s or even early 70’s if he was in good health and was a good man.   I avoid the men with serious health issues.   I know it sounds cold, but I think they are just looking for a nursemaid, and I don’t want to play that role.   I will consider a younger man too, again good health and maturity required.   I get messages from men in their 30’s tho, and that’s a NO WAY !!!! I don’t want to be a nursemaid OR A MOTHER !!!!!   I might even go as young as mid to late forties IF he had already had children or a vasectemy.   There are some men in that age range who after years of being a player are scrambling to find the mother of their children.   Of course, they aren’t above playing with the women who are too old for that role, until they can find a sweet young thing to breed with.   Nope, don’t want to be the stop gap booty call either.

  7. 47
    JGirl

    ”  There are some men in that age range who after years of being a player are scrambling to find the mother of their children.   Of course, they aren’t above playing with the women who are too old for that role, until they can find a sweet young thing to breed with.   Nope, don’t want to be the stop gap booty call either.”
      
    Oh Faded Jade..you are so right on.   I like your post and what you had to say, especially this quoted paragraph.   I have met MULTITUDES of men who are in that position, the last one 53 who claims on his profile to be 43 (his own words: to meet younger women).   Never married, lives with his mom and really wants kids.   YET..he will date women in their late 40’s and early 50’s…although, I’m sure he still looks around for the young’uns.   
    Its not all about age, it’s about honesty and being open minded.   It would be great if they would take the age thing out of the whole picture and just leave it at ‘wants kids’ or not.   
    [email protected]:   I WISH I could find a man of 53 who would consider dating me.   Women have put up with ageism for so long, I guess many have decided to join in.   I’m not one of them..and don’t fret, there are many like me!

    1. 47.1
      m

      ” Never married, lives with his mom and really wants kids. ”

      That’ll end well.

  8. 48
    Paula

    I see nothing wrong with shaving 5 years off your age.   It is really hard to tell w/in 5 years a person’s age and you are at least in the same basic generation.   Basically who cares.   Guys who want younger woman are generally going for people 10 or more years younger so you probably what end up in their sites.   
    Just a side note–short guys almost all do not tell the truth about their height.
      

  9. 49
    vil

    i lead a active life ( rock climbing ,ran a marathon last year too ,water skiing , off roading ) i certainly wouldn’t date someone that couldn’t keep up with me ( 53) if they were 20 years younger or not – that being said I’m not going to be attracted to someone that would remind me of of my mother or grand mother either even with a lot of other semblance’ s we might share . if the physical attraction not there it’s not going to happen either .

  10. 50
    Scooter

    Lol @ the women in here who  condone lying about their age, because they feel that they actually look younger, which somehow justifies such fibbing.

    Let me give you ladies a clue: most people around you are going to lie about what age you  look like, when the subject somehow pops-up.   If you don’t understand this simple fact about human nature, then let me educate you.   There is no way in hell that any friend, or even loose acquaintance is not going to low-ball your age to your face, for fear of offending and/or for the social reward(s) of doing so.

    If you want to have a true assessment of how others perceive your age, you’d have to do something like surveying with  your photo in front of a bunch of random people you don’t know, and having them write down their guess.   (Clearly, someone else would be conducting the survey, not you)

    1. 50.1
      Buck25

      I’ll second that one, Scooter. I don’t care who does it, why they do it, or who advised them to do it. Male or female, if you lie about your age, your height, body type (or anything else) in your profile, YOU ARE A LIAR! Period. No if’s, ands, buts or excuses, YOU’RE A LIAR! I want you to digest those words, slowly and carefully. I want you to see, what they say about your personal character. Now, maybe you don’t care, maybe, you think any means to an end is fair play. Now let’s say you do happen to find a relationship; how long do you hope to keep the deception going?

      Newsflash, people. First of all, no matter what your friends say, You DON’T actually look ten years younger, not likely; very, very few people do. You guys who lie about your height; you think when you meet a woman in real life she’s won’t notice that instead of 6′, you’re actually 5’7′? Women  (especially the shorter ones)  aren’t great at guessing a man’s height, but any women who’s 5’5″ or over will pick up on your lie in a heartbeat; kinda obvious, if she happens to be wearing heels. Same with you hiding that beer gut, or her trying to hide that extra 40 pounds on her “athletic and toned” bod-ain’t gonna happen. Guess whether you’ll get a second date? Probably not, and truthfully, you don’t deserve one. Oh, and guys, about that great career you only wish you had? See how long it takes that one to catch up with you; it”ll be quicker than you think. So to all you liars, male and female, you   go ahead. I won’t join you. I won’t because it’s wrong. I won’t because in the end, you’re not likely to gain any permanent advantage; you WILL get caught, eventually. But mainly I won’t, because I don’t care who you are, a relationship with you is NOT worth my personal integrity, not to me! I have self respect, respect for others and respect for the truth, and no anonymous woman, or group of women   on the internet is going to make me give that up! Don’t like that? TOUGH!

      I’m 67 years old. I refuse to lie about it. I’m exactly 5″9″ tall and I refuse to lie about that either. I am retired from a successful career, which I don’t need to lie about, I have most of my hair (yes most of it’s grey, I earned every single grey hair and I’m proud of it), and my teeth, and I’m still fit enough to be well acquainted with my belt buckle, and my very current pictures show that. I don’t fit any of the other stereotypes either; never needed any little blue pills or anything else, thank you. Look my age? I really don’t know; is there some set of specific characteristics that visually prove that, one way or the other? I don’t know, you decide; if you don’t like what you see, move on.I don’t get a lot of views, and you know what, I don’t care anymore. If you are too lazy or too full of preconceptions to even look at a profile of a man my age, then whatever your age is, lady, you’re too damn prejudiced and lazy for me. Incidentally,   if you think I am automatically going to respond, no matter what a lousy job you have done taking care of yourself’ think again; I care what YOU look like and how healthy YOU are, too. I’m too old to have a say in that? Well, if you think that way, guess what? You’re not for me either. Whether or not that’s what you want to hear, it’s the truth, and i’m sticking to it!

      You know, if you want someone who might actually fit you, and you them, you might just try being straight up honest. Yes, I know it’s a novel thought,in these parts; but the truth is a lot easier to remember, and for those of us past 50 and counting, that just might matter too.

      Incidentally, you won’t find my profile on the dating sites anymore. I met a woman in the real world: Funny, that; why, we didn’t even have to lie to each other,   to have a relationship; imagine that!

        1. Buck25

          Evan, on this one, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree. You   either think lying is either an acceptable way for people to handle their own insecurities, or that i’s simply inevitable because in an environment where anybody CAN do it, most people will., so it’s inevitable. The latter is probably a fairer characterization of your view; I haven’t seen you directly advocate it, but you sure seem to condone it, from where I sit.

          I believe, and will continue to believe, that the best way to deal with our insecurities is not to lie about them, but to do what we can to remedy them. Some things, we can fix some more easily than others; some, we can compensate for, and the things we can’t change (height, or age, for example) there’s no point worrying about; it is what it is. If there’s not someone out there who we could care about who doesn’t think those are absolute dealbreakers, we lose, and that’s that.

          So Evan, If I have one last wish, for all who are out there dating in cyberspace, and struggling, it would be, that everyone can just let go, be who they really are, and let whatever happens, happen. I’m not naive enough to believe that everyone will do that, but I’d like to believe we could all just grow up enough to try.

          Best to all,

          Buck

  11. 51
    maria

    Disagree with the idea of lying. Bad start.

  12. 52
    Elyse

    Just wanted to echo the comments of those who say there are plenty of guys looking for similar-age women. Maybe it’s the area I live in, maybe it’s the people my acquaintance, but both the men and women I know want to stay within a +/- 5-year range of their own age. Largely, it’s cultural references…there’s a certain automatic bond when you grew up listening to the same music, watching the same cartoons, etc. etc. etc.

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