He Won’t Divorce His Wife – What Should I Do?
- Dating, Men Who Don’t Commit
I have been with someone for six months. He and I are very compatible and have a great time together. He has two kids who I’ve grown to adore. The only problem is that he’s still married.
He’s been separated from her for three years (she cheated on him). He wants a divorce from her, and she’s a massive pain to him, but he won’t divorce his wife. Until recently, he was still paying her bills on top of his own (she refuses to get a job because she’s a “musician.”) She has custody of the kids, and all he can talk about is getting custody of them, but I can’t get him to begin to take the steps he needs to go through to get to what he wants.
On top of this, any time I bring it up, he accuses me of being worried he wants to go back to his wife. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just want him to be happy and it is obvious to me that he’s not happy in his current situation. Please help me. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I love his children. I just want him to take the steps towards being legally separated from her. -Caitlin
Your question reminds me of one I got a year ago, in which a married man wrote in that his girlfriend wanted him to get a divorce, but he wouldn’t because he was on his wife’s healthcare. In that instance, I sided with him. He was clearly in love, but he was caught between a rock and a hard place because getting married would cost him tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills.
It was one of the rare instances in which the majority of my readers disagreed with me. And while I haven’t changed my position one bit, it’s always stuck in my craw that I couldn’t get more people to see his point of view.
And that’s why I chose your dilemma, Caitlin. Because while your situation is similar, there’s a very important distinction that tilts my sympathies in your favor:
There’s absolutely nothing preventing your boyfriend from getting a divorce.
There’s absolutely nothing preventing your boyfriend from getting a divorce.
In the previous case, a divorce wouldn’t benefit the man at all. In your case, a divorce would free him officially from his ex and allow him to start a serious relationship with a clean slate.
So that begs the question: why would a man who has been separated for three years from the wife who cheated on him NOT want to divorce her?
Beats the hell out of me.
Which is why your question is better directed towards HIM than yours truly.
I can’t omnisciently declare what’s going through the minds of all men, especially when it’s not clearly rational.
I can’t omnisciently declare what’s going through the minds of all men, especially when it’s not clearly rational.
The best source of clarity, therefore, would be your boyfriend.
When he says, “You’re afraid I’m going back to my ex,” and you say, “No, I’m not. I’m afraid that if you never get divorced, we’re never going to get married,” you’ve ended his false line of reasoning and put the ball back in his court.
Now, instead of letting him wiggle out of it with another non-answer, nail him down and get an answer to the following $64,000 question:
“Why don’t you initiate divorce proceedings and get legal shared custody of the kids? What’s holding you back?”
You may learn that he’s financially dependent upon her.
You may learn that he doesn’t want to divorce his wife and still hopes to get back together one day.
You may learn that a divorce will cost him a lot more money in alimony than he wants to pay.
You may learn that the status quo is fine and that a divorce may hurt the amount of time he has with the kids.
Or you may just realize that he’s a doormat — a man who is willing to pay the bills for his cheating ex-wife and play entirely on her terms.
No matter what you learn, Caitlin, at least you’ll get some clarity moving forward.
And if marriage is your endgame and he’s not playing, it’s time to walk.
Teri says
One excuse could be: why should he? he doesn’t want to marry again, there is no reason to.
MADINA says
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOUR STATEMENT HE MAY NOT WANT TO OPEN ANY DOORS FOR ANOTHER MARRIAGE TO HAPPEN KNOWING THAT’S NOT WHAT HE WANTS
Kate says
It’s called having one’s cake…especially if the new lady in his life is attractive, but a psycho. Good enough for sex but you wouldn’t want to deal with the lunacy, permanently. Why add another divorce? Most likely he’s no gem, either.
Marie Williamson says
Im 44 never been married I moved cause my boyfriend said he started his divorce so I said ok I’ll move closer to him that was our agreement that was into 2009 still no divorce..I had more then patients waiting my mind was made up that I wasn’t getting married but he made it clear that I was gonna be a princess on my wedding day and he was marrying me it’s now 2018 still waiting lol now I just laugh because I’m getting the feeling guys just say nice things to you cause they know it’s a dream since I ws a little girl, every relationship is the same thing and I told my recent boyfriend don’t say anything it you don’t mean it cause marriage means alot to me so actions speak louder then words now nothing…I mention it and he just says something silly back like we minus well be married..yea well we’re not so don’t say we minus well be cause that’s not working with me..just tell the truth of what is holding u back we live in jersey she’s in Florida if I new the reason and he was honest I’m sure I would understand! Just seems that guys mess with ur head and tell u nice things just so they get there way with you! Well not anymore I will not give in until he tells the truth! I told him he’s got a booty the one he married so mine is not his and he’s not getting anything…it’s sad we get along great everything is fanstaic until he as another let down he was even looking for rings I told him didn’t want a ring until divorce is over how can I say I’m engaged or getting married when he’s still married! I would look like an idiot..bad enough I feel like one cause I know it’s another lie! I can’t beleive I fell for it for like the 4th time he ws so convincing..So now I lay here at night thinking don’t sleep how I mess up and why no one wants to marry me…I just feel like screaming to get his divorce or I leave but I’m not mean like that! I don’t know how much lol ne’er I can wait all he’s doing is pushing me away little by little cause now I’m at the point I don’t trust anything he says!
Angella says
That is exactly how I feel. He told me we would be married have a house and a little dog. I believed everything he said, 2 years on he is still married with no real planning for a divorce. I feel very sad and cheated because I fell in love with him.
Gill M says
thats what I get coz my fella been separated 5 years
his cheating wife doesn’t want him but neither will initiate the divorce
Ashlee says
Well, if he’s so attached to remaining married to someone he claims he doesn’t want to be with, then he shouldn’t be misleading other women that they will every be as important to him as his ex’s health benefits. Sounds like someone who
Doesn’t want to be divorced and shouldn’t be dating.
Diana says
Your boyfriend may genuinely want a divorce, but he lacks the motivation to do anything about it. It’s easy to want something, but it’s an entirely different process to act upon it and to do the hard work it takes to bring it to fruition. The reason(s) for his lack of motivation could be many. You don’t explain how you bring the issue up or specify what you’re asking him, so it’s difficult for anyone to know how to advise you.
As difficult as it may be to understand, there is some kind of payoff or satisfaction he’s receiving by not moving forward which is greater than his state of unhappiness. He may not be insightful or self-aware enough to recognize this.
At the end of the day, no matter how great your love, support and encouragement are, they are not going to be able to get him to change this part of his life. He is the only one who can release himself from a way of life that he has chosen to live. It has to begin and end with him. In fact, your best intentions could actually push him farther away from dealing with the issue. Your continual, loving presence in his life, despite the circumstances, might make him feel that he doesn’t really have to change anything. It’s status quo.
The decision you have to make is whether you’re comfortable waiting for a hoped for outcome that may not happen, and for how long. How much do you love him? More importantly, how much do you love yourself?
Katie says
Bottom line: he was unavailable and we should not have gotten involved. He told me he was “in the process” of a divorce; found out that was not true. He and his wife were also in bankruptcy and foreclosure, her parents purchased a house “for her” and they spent weeks playing games about who would live in what house until it went back to the bank. She played games: he would be on “suicide watch,” he car-chased her when she was drunk to get her to come home…ridiculous. I later learned, after much thought, they were co-dependent, and she was being treated for alcoholism and abandonment issues and he felt he was the only one who could help her. He told his father-in-law he was in love with me and that night she tipped a heavy, circular wooden table on to its side in rage. It was a verbally and physically abusive relationship between them. We never slept together, but she found the phone call bill and hit the roof, and in 24 hours, he was gone, breaking up with me via email. That was all 4 years ago. We were only together for 4 months, but it felt like we’d known each other forever, he made promises to me, talked about getting married, the whole 9 yards. I can’t get over him. Still so much pain. I wouldn’t recommend it.
Amy says
I totally know what you mean. I just recently ended mine with my married boyfriend. When I met him, I had no idea he would be married with kids. We are both in our 20’s and he was only a couple years older than me. Not really something that jumps to mind when you meet a young, good looking guy. I got manipulated into thinking he wasn’t happy and he no longer loved her. This went on for 3 months. She found my number and email and would threaten me constantly. He left home to be with me, but that only lasted for about a week before he realized his kids “needed” him. He was selfish. He wanted both sides. He told me he wanted me and the kids, but obviously that wasn’t what he was telling her. He kept telling me he wants to leave her but she kept threatening to take the kids away from him. Long story short, he never even thought about seriously divorcing her because when she hit her limit and told him she was done, that’s when he kept pleading for her to stay while telling me she wouldn’t leave.
Andrea says
Because mistresses like going after shitty husbands. Good men don’t cheat. It’s all these pathetic women can get-and even the loser husbands don’t marry them lol
Bettinama says
Omg wow. Soo similar to my experience. Hurts so much, it’s been only 10 days of cutting off contact and I’m miserable. We were together a year so magical, met my whole family I met his, he was a hairs width from divorce, then she got phone records, learned about me, she must be holding the kids over him, and reading all correspondence because he tells me in email that he loves her and not me and that’s it.
I hAte myself.
Kat says
Aww don’t hate yourself ! Learn to love yourself ❤️
Les says
Just another take on this. Depending where you are, and if the man (likely) is the higher earner, a divorce could be setting him up for a whole world of financial pain for years. That also translates to a possible fear of not being a proper provider for you in the future. Sounds odd, but men think this way. If I lose half my income (i’ve seen worse over the years) will she think less of me? Can I take her where she wants or deserves to go? Here’s an example from a friend. He made 110k a year, she made 20k. He has 2 kids. His breakdown was: lose half his home which he paid for over the last decade, pay 1500/m in child support and another 500 in spousal support – for the next 10 years. He effectively went from a 4 bedroom home, to living in a studio, and losing almost half his take home pay every month. For a man, especially one that looks to be a provider, which many do, that’s a huge ego blow. And while you ladies are rightfully upset and may be feeling strung along, that frustration just adds to it.
I’d suggest this: be supportive. Make it clear you DON’T want to be with him for his money or what he can provide. Make it clear you don’t want a 50k$+ grand wedding he can’t afford because of the divorce he just got put through. But also make it clear, you just want him, not for all the stuff. Maybe offer to talk about how you can contribute more to the relationship once together (financially) if you aren’t already. Money and providing are huge things on a man’s mind, not because you may be asking for it, but it’s because how we are.
p.s. there’s also a big chance there is some manipulation and threats of extended court battles, child access withholding etc. It’s worth finding out if there is anything else going on that’s keeping him from divorcing. Other than the above, I can’t see why any man would want to stay and pay for a woman that cheated on him for years. The short term ‘testing the waters’ and hiding he’s married/separated from a woman is a nono, but the long term stuff, i’m sure there is something else at work here.
Dawn says
Profound…well said!
Abbey Odell says
Andrea. Exactly but wives still take them back an want them back for the kids. I am one. Found out he has been living with his girlfriend our entire separation. Asked why the hell has the filed. He said because I didn’t want to. He was coming home and did for 2 days but left again saying he needs to think. I know I’m better off but want to save my family for my kids. We dont fight like cats and dogs. Just the cheating is out of hand. Why do men cheat? Why get married in the first place? Divorce and stay single and stop hurting us. Meanwhile we’ve been seeing together while separated. It’s a big mess. Half of me says just let it go and file myself and the other half says we can fix it. I give up!
Maria says
That’s my exact situation right now.
Gem says
Look, it really doesn’t even matter what his reason is. You got involved with a married and unavailable man. It may have been acceptable to you at first if you thought divorce was coming, but you now can see it’s not a priority for him.
I’d tell him that since he has unfinished business and is unavailable (emotionally, psychologically, or whatever) for a new relationship, I’m leaving, and when he is free he can look me up.
But since you’re not, IMO, being completely honest with yourself due to your reason for wanting him to get things moving that you “just want him to be happy,” I suspect you’ll be strung along for years.
Don’t do that to yourself, run, date others, and let him figure out what he intends on doing without dragging you into this drama as well.
tennillewade says
this helped me a lot and it wasn’t even my story.
Dawn says
me too.
Dawn Mullins says
,Glad I read this about all the issues with men who married and not legally separated. My daughter never married has chosen to date and love an emotionally unavailable man with two small children. As her Mother I advised her she is wasting her time. She is an adult. We all have free choice but the consequences are not free. So she chose to work on this relationship hoping to get married to him. It’s been three years later and he has not filed for even legal separation. She did choose to alienate me from her life because I am not approved of this relationship . I want her to be happy yet these types of bad discisions effect the whole family. I have not seen her or spoke going on two years. It’s all so sad and hurtful as this guy is just using her. She will be 50years old soon. I wish her well on her journey. I’ve lost a daughter because she got lost in a lot of bunk he was feeding her â¤ï¸ heart. I had to accept and. Move on. We have to take care of ourselves ladies. If he really loves you you will know it he will profess his love protect you and provide. Not use you just for booty.
ADD says
Thank you Dawn. You sound my mom, who gave me the same advice in a similar situation as your daughter, except it was in the beginning stages. Thank God for parents like you! It was hard, but I had to distance myself.
Saddens me that you two lost contact. Hope your relationship can be restored. Thanks for sharing.
m says
I don’t think it gets much simpler than this.
MADINA says
@gem YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT HE WILL NEVER GET A DIVORCE ITS NOT SOMETHING MEN DO CAUSE THEY WANT TO HAVE”THE WIFE&THE GIRLFRIEND”TO FEEL MANLY WEATHER HES WITH THE WIFE OR NOT ITS ALL ABOUT TILTLE…MEN ARE ON IT MORE THAN WOMEN THESE DAYS
Ali says
Love ur response, i walked away he kept saying he is doing it ten months later i asked he never did start said he doesn’t want to pay that money. Im heartbroken but dont deserve this thak you, im healing now.
Nichole says
I am in the boat as many women here have written. Men will divorce when they’re ready to divorce. “Don’t cast your Pearl’s before swine”. I am mad at myself because the signs were there from the beginning but I ignored them. I am better than that and I deserve better that this. I was hoping that this man would see the good in me and choose me. He is so caught up in his own drama he can’t even recognize the correct things to do. Take the pearl back and let them grow up.
Brintey says
I agree with you…I was with a men for 7 years…he wouldn’t get a divorce …he would say it was to expensive …until one day he said if it wasn’t for his ex-wife family he would still be with her…he thought I had not heard him say that…since my back was towards him…the next day while he was at work…I lft him…..its my fault for not leaving him once I found out he had been married ..
Kim says
Caitlin, I saw the title of this post and I thought uh-oh, this sounds wayyy too familiar to me. I was involved for two years in a similar situation with a man whose wife not only cheated on him, but moved out and moved right in with the guy three years earlier. He didn’t want to get a divorce and would say the same thing … “I’m not going back to her, so why are you worried? Its a non-issue.” He was paying for her health insurance, life insurance, and cell phone. Finally, she hired an attorney and went after his house, retirement and alimony (he had custody of the 1 child still living at home). He waffled about getting his own counsel until things looked bad for him, and then in the end, she ended up getting his entire retirement savings, but not the house or alimony. I was there for him all through this, supported him emotionally and listened to his rants against the soon-to-be ex wife. The end of the story? Right before his divorce was final, he broke up with me, and then two months later, after the divorce was final, started dating this woman whom he works with, and he threw me out like last year’s trash. He basically cut off all contact with me, saying his new gf wouldn’t like him talking to me, and that our friendship “wasn’t worth it.” Now, I’m not saying that your guy would be so cold and callous as this jerk, but be careful. I thought this was the love of my life, and in the end, he used me as a salve for the pain of going through the divorce. My guess is that the new woman wouldn’t date him until his divorce was final, and when he saw that it was imminent, he got rid of me as fast as he could.
Be very clear as to whether there is a commitment from him, and what happens to the two of you post-divorce. Be listening for statements of the future that include the two of you, like “we will do this, or that,” and “our lives,” “our home,” and so on. If you aren’t hearing sounds of a commitment in the future, and he isn’t making a move to get the divorce, you should be wary.
Tania says
He sounds like a narcissist! !
READERS beware..do your research on 2 topics before getting involved in a relationship “LIMERENCE” and “Narcissism” YouTube them seriously! Save yourself pain and games!!
Jan says
Tania! Thankyou for opening my eyes to Love or is it Limerence! I now have my answer to my broken heart torment & have the strength to end my relationship I now see I never have had to begin with. Bless you.
Daniela says
Kim, your story rally meant a lot to me!
I broke up yesterday because i took the desision because he cant stop talking about his ex and he cant take the devorce, even if she already is dating the guy who cheated him. I know im right, i know things will be better for me other wise I WILL BE THE ONE WHO CANT MOVE ON, just like he is!
In my opinion he is a weak person, obceced by her.
its just too hard now but i know how good i am my friend! And i was there, just like you, supporting him for the last year and i know he can do the same to me tha your ex did to you . I read your coment and i know i did right, even if im suffering a lot now.
thank you a 1000 times
Monica says
Caitlin, I do not know if the reason a woman will not divorce her husband would be the same for a man, however, I have been separated from my husband for 7 years now. The reason I have not divorced him is because I havent found anybody that I want to marry yet. Of course I am looking, do go on dates, and have had boyfriends, but none have lasted long enough for a serious relationship. In your case, since you have been with him in a serious relationship for 3 years, I think that it is time for him to divorce if he wants to have a future you. It took me along time to finally get over him. I think I was also hoping that maybe by staying married to him, one day soon we would get back together. Maybe he would beg me to come back to him. He never did. You should tell him to divorce asap. If he still refuses, he may not be ready to move on.
Margo says
Caitlin, this is a BAD situations because no matter what his excuses are for delaying the divorce, you want to be married. Tell him if he won’t divorce her, you’re leaving.
td says
I am involved with a separated man. Im not leaving here no matter what. So maybe with all these negativities enlisted then maybe you should have one postitive note. I dont have low self esteem or nothing. We live together. I dont care how others think or feel. Marriage is just a piece of paper and no, they don’t have children together. Im supportive first because he’s my friend. In the long run, if things dont work out, they don’t He will always be my friend and that’s that. It makes no sense to advise so much negative feedback. Nothing I’ve read is postitive. I’m not leaving. Call me stupid that’s fine. My opinion matters to me. If he wasny married and got in another relationship with someone else, would it be the same effect and if not..then clearly it remains unclear.
Kristen says
Then plan on being used. After all, you got yourself involved with a married man, it really is your own fault. He isn’t leaving her because he doesn’t want to, you are simply a side girl that will due for now. Don’t be stupid. It is what it is
Kate says
Marriage means you have rights and entitlements that side chicks don’t, by law. Hardly a piece of paper. That is what women stuck with men that won’t commit, tell themselves.
Betty says
I believe in karma
what goes around comes around… it’s that simple!
If he’s going to cheat with you , he’s going to cheat on you. It’s not that everyone is being negative . We have all been there and done that. Men will tell you what you want to hear…. As a woman you have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else . Please take note of this!!
Jackie says
but yet here you are reading and replying to this post.
td says
Im not leaving.
KB says
He won’t divorce his wife. He has no respect for you. No man respects a woman who dares them when they are married, they don’t trust you. You are a doormat
KB says
And, to be honest, you really deserve to be. No decent girl dates a married man. Unless they are insecure and pathetic. It is true 😉
Diana says
Your loss. Way to sell yourself completely short. You need self-esteem.
Lance says
As everyone on this forum should know, divorces can be super complicated and take a long time. There may be factors that Caitlin hasn’t listed, especially financial ones. I have a friend that has been separated for 3 years and the divorce, while in the works, is incredibly slow and tricky because of all the financials: two kids, co-owned property including a foreclosure, they live in different cities, he changed jobs etc. They’re both dating other people and the fact that they’re still legally married hasn’t been a roadblock. This requires good lawyers and accountants to work through, not dating advice.
On another note, Caitlin should find out what the real considerations are and respect his timeframe is it’s legit.
Kate says
He will be poor. Move on, ladies. Big difference between initiating a divorce and messing around wasting time because he just doesn’t want to get remarried, or likes the “old family” life that once was. Find a single man without baggage.
Angie says
Hi Caitlin,
I can empathize with your situation, but seeing that it is YOUR feelings and emotions, I don’t think you should go to your boyfriend with the idea: “I just want him to be happy and it is obvious to me that he’s not happy in his current situation.”
YOU aren’t happy, whether or not you believe that he is unhappy, and YOU aren’t happy because he has a massive roadblock up that is obviously impeding your relationship from progressing. Make this about YOU.
If he is financially unable to get a divorce at this time (which seems questionable if he is footing his wife’s bills) OR even more important, he feels this will damage his relationship / the time he gets with his children, back down and decide if you are in it for the long haul.
I agree with Lance… find out his timeframe. If there is no gameplan, you better take some time and think.
SS says
I agree with Angie. (Well, I agree with almost everyone so far.)
This statement.. “I just want him to be happy and it is obvious to me that he’s not happy in his current situation,” seems to be a bit of reaching on the letter writer’s part to make it seem as if she’s not ONLY thinking about herself, but about her boyfriend too. I find that women (yes, I am one) do this a lot… like if a woman knows a man she’s dating is seeing someone else, she’ll say, “Well, I should tell the other woman too for HER sake.”
But is that really it, or is it more of a need to get some semblance of revenge? And in this case, is it really about wanting the boyfriend to be happy or the fact that SHE is unhappy and wants things to change? Own your emotions instead of trying to put up a seemingly altruistic front to deflect from the real issue here.
Anyway, right now, this man seems to be perfectly fine with the state of his relationships as they are. He might not be happy or the situations might not be ideal, but he hasn’t finalized his divorce for a reason — and that reason doesn’t matter. The question Caitlin should be asking is why she’s bothering with this. Six months is not terribly long to cut her losses and move on, and no, no ultimatum needed.
I wish people who choose to date folks who are still married would think about these things before they get themselves emotionally involved. It’s very likely that your married boyfriend/girlfriend has no plans to divorce for a long time and if marriage is what you want, you’re chances of that are immeasurably better with a man or woman who is NOT married when you meet him or her!
Kate Candy says
I’m separated and have no plans to divorce my estranged husband. We are not romantically involved, but we are close friends. People who date me want me to get a divorce. I explain that I have no plans to do so and ask what my being divorced would change. That stumps the men I’m dating and they realize that our relationship would be no better, no worse if I were divorced.
In the case of the LW, she sounds very angry to me. She is angry that her boyfriend is spending so much money on his ex, and that he has not moved forward to get custody. I think the LW has no idea how complicated divorces can become. Even simple ones require time and a few hundred dollars. As Terry (#1) posted earlier, why should he? Men love to complain about their ex-wives. It’s best to shut that down. After all, he married the woman and had children with her. So she cheated on him. That doesn’t make her an evil person.
As everyone here has noted, this is about the LW, not the man. He doesn’t want to get divorced. If he wanted to, he would be. It also sounds to me that this relationship is flawed and his being divorced will not change that.
The LW should move on to another relationship. She’s learned what she needs to from this one.
Brandy says
A divorce costs thousands of dollars per party just for the attorney portion of it all. Depending on what state you reside in, without a prenuptial agreement in a community property state, it will cost the breadwinner in the marriage a lot of money.
You know why getting a divorce is so expensive?
Because it’s worth it!
Prenuptial agreement is a must! Marriage changes things. You find out who you really married when you get a divorce. I speak from experience.
Melinda says
Hmmm…I live in Australia and perhaps our legal system and financial legislation is dramatically different here. If not, then not getting a divorce after many years does, indeed, make a difference – not just to your own legal and financial position but also to that of any new man in your life (or woman.)
If there is no divorce by the time you pass away, then your ex will probably inherit the bulk of your estate. If your newer partner, by that stage, has been in your life a number of years, they’ll find themselves completely uncatered for financially. That’s a terribly unfair thing to do to someone who’s been by your side in the day to day for years, sharing finances and all aspects of a normal relationship. If the two of you happen to have bought any property together or made any investments together, then your ex, because he’s still legally your husband, can make a big claim on those joint investments. Sure…the will can be contested…but that alone can take tens of thousands of dollars and many, many years. Is that the sort of headache and heartache you want to leave the person you presumably love?
In this country, if a people have lived together, divorced or not, for at least two years, then they each have a legal stake in the other’s property. If you separate, it’s going to get really messy when the property settlement between you comes around. You’ll find that he is able to make claims on YOUR money and property (as well as your ex’s) but I’m not so sure you can counter this with your own claims…because you are still legally tied to your ex. You would be considered to own half what your ex owns. It would be a long, drawn out, messy battle with an uncertain outcome. Your newer partner may well end up walking away with half your property as well as half your ex’s. How is that fair to your ex? Or to you?
There are a number of different scenarios that can play out, depending on whether or not you and your new partner separate in the future; and which one of you dies first. All of this affects your childrens’ inheritance – and the potential inheritance of any children your ex may have, or have in the future.
Severing financial and legal ties with an ex is an essential step; one which requires us to look at the situation as adults, not self-indulgent children who can just run with our feelings. The fallout can be massive and none of us have the right to inflict that on others.
I have found many of the comments here to be really naive in this respect.
How the writer of this blog could side with the ‘poor’ guy who stood to lose money because of the cost of health insurance beggars belief. His new partner, on the other hand, is expected to take enormous risks just because she loves him. I’m still shaking my head, wondering if we ARE, actually, in the 21st century yet.
Jesse Lindsey says
Your words speak volumes!..I’ve studied the laws and rights universal (psycological and biological factors as well) but have had trouble understanding them due to perverse use of language that is used that Im sure is to aid in buying time for the use of manipulation in a takedown scheme and the law that concerns me the most in a situation as such(relationship while separated) is it could be court ordered(or possibly just a marital right) that conversations between spouses be kept confiditual with a fiduciary orders or rights to break trust in the relationship..another thing if I’m understanding it correctly is that a marrige is a Union job as in employment and can hire/tax the relationship prospect without their knowledge using intelectual property.
JB says
The question really is…….with a hundred million SINGLE(not married,seperated etc…) men on the planet why do SOME women have to get involved with married men and then piss and moan when it’s complicated and doesn’t work out smoothly?
I date seperated women all the time,ya know why? Because I don’t want to get married and they can’t ask anything of me because THEY’RE M A R R I E D !!!
Anon says
Im In the same situation. I went through a divorce a year ago. I had some guy come after me and I was excited since I usually go after them. Said he was going through a divorce… It’s been 8 minutes news dating him now and he’s still married. Never even filed for divorce. I get what everyone is saying in the comments. But a relationship takes two to tango no matter what kind of relationship it is. No one is being selfish or thinking about themselves because they want their significant other to divorce. My man pays the rent in the house his ex wife lives In (for the last 2 yeas) and multiple other things. This angers the hell out of Me that she just walks all over him and takes advantage of him on a daily basis. But when I push for a divorce he says it’s to messy. She cheated on him and left him for another man. More than once. Says he pays her rent cause he doesn’t want his kids out on the street. But he has his own home! His kids can live with him! And they come over and stay the night all the time! I’m not angry that he doesn’t spend his money on me. I’m angry because he’s so busy spending money on her that he can’t pay all of his bills and falls short and I end up covering it for him. I want to be there for him and be his support system. I am also not looking to ever get married again. I just like spending time with him and being with him. But his ex is always popping up and interfering. She doesn’t work, refuses to, and the house he pays rent for for her, her boyfriend also is living there. I guess I will never see why a man would ever want to fork over money for such a low life and let her control his life 2 years later. But I guess maybe he’s not a man after all. Maybe a coward for hiding behind everything.
Lori says
I couldn’t agree more! My husband and I have been separated for four years and he has been in an on-again off-again relationship with a girl 23 years his junior (he’s now 53, she’s 30). No, I’m not waiting for him, I’m not divorcing him for a few reasons: I will lose co-benefits; I am the beneficiary on his life insurance -as is he on mine (this is because we have two kids); but most importantly because it is the one thing that he is going to have to put effort into doing if he wants it. I separated from him because he was non-participatory in parenting, took care of his wants and needs only; never reciprocated the things I did for him throughout our marriage and, unbelievably this took me a long time to figure out, is a classic covert narcissist. I handed him the life he always wanted…no more parental responsibility, freedom to live and do as he see’s fit with no accountability, so why in the world would I make the effort or fund a divorce. Footnote: I have chosen not to date because our sons have been shoved aside enough by one parent and I don’t want them to have to feel second best by their mother. Once they are launched into University, it’ll be my time.
Betty says
By the time your sons are in University you will be older maybe difficult to find someone. The good men are all taken what is left wants younger womene.
Melinda says
It sounds like you have control issues. I hope you work through them and find happiness…not just for your sake but for the sake of the separated women you date, who are probably just really looking for authentic love.
Yet Another Guy says
@Melinda
I do not see anything in JB’s post that signals he has control issues, commitment issues, maybe, control issues, no.
Melinda says
I find it rather controlling to date ‘separated’ women because he doesn’t want to get married…and if, at some point, the woman he’s dating wants to get married…and is ready to pursue a divorce in order to move the relationship forward…then he holds up his trump card. That is, the fact she is not yet divorced, so what leg does she have to stand on? It’s the premeditated way he’s thought this through and dates these separated women expressly because he’s formulated an ‘out’ for himself. That’s extremely controlling.
Yet Another Guy says
@Melinda
There is nothing controlling about it. He is not attempting to make her do anything. JB is basically choosing to date a woman who is not in a position to get serious. JB may be practicing commitment avoidance, but what he is doing is not controlling by any stretch of the definition.
Steve says
He has been dating her for 6 months. If he is very interested in her it would seem that he would have voluntarily and proactively explained why his divorce is taking more than 3 years.
Am I being naive in thinking this?
starthrower68 says
I am not without compassion for Caitlyn because she loves this guy but it’s time for them both to fish or cut bait. I suspect that while the dude in question loves Caitlyn, he’s holding on to the situation for as long as he can and recognizes that it has a shelf life. He may be sad if Caitlyn leaves but deep down he knows he wasn’t willing to do anything to change the situation.
Ruby says
“She has custody of the kids and all he can talk about is getting custody of them, but I can’t get him to begin to take the steps he needs to go through to get to what he wants.
On top of this, any time I bring it up, he accuses me of being worried he wants to go back to his wife.”
If he really wanted a divorce, he would take the necessary steps. Perhaps he really would like to go back to his wife, even though he may realize that it isn’t possible. He may really want custody of his kids, but he isn’t ready to cut the cord with his ex. Or -and this might be the most likely scenario – he just doesn’t want to remarry, so staying tied to his ex gives him a convenient excuse to avoid it.
He hasn’t even started the steps towards a legal separation after 3 years? Something is very wrong here. How much time has Caitlin got, because she’s got a long wait ahead of her. Being separated and actually being divorced are two different things.
Melinda says
I agree, Ruby. Well said.
Venus says
I agree with Terri @ 1.
He’s probably not interested in getting a divorce. This way he can keep his make-believe family intact and avoid making a commitment to another woman. Chances are he still secretly harbours hopes of getting back together with his ex. How much more time are you willing to spend on this?
InsertPseudonymHere says
” Even simple ones require time and a few hundred dollars.”
Wow. What state is this in? In Cali it takes several hundred dollars in court fees just to file the initial petition. Maybe a short term marriage with no children, property or support payments can be this cheap. I came out of a divorce with essentially no contested property claims and near complete agreement on parenting and custody. It did take about $6k in mediation and individual consulting lawyer fees before we both had a clear realistic picture of what support would look like. After that, we spent a total of another $10k before the agreement was completely drawn up, all the little details were hashed out and various fees were paid. Oh, it also sucked up about 200 hours of rather emotionally draining hours of my time over a period of several months(*).
Why the long tale? His divorce is is going to be expensive. His divorce will take an emotional toll over a long time. This is why people dread the task. Relationships with pre-divorced folks are harshly tested by the process. Oh, and even if the relationship survives, the divorce process can be a time of self-evaluation and some people come out of it with a different direction in life. This is the reason many people on Match.com treat “separated” as a deal breaker and filter them out of their searches. When I was separated several potential dates declined to meet me specifically because of that. I never understood why until I came out the other side of the tunnel. Good luck.
(*) Part of that soliloquy is venting about how f**d up it is that you can get into a contract so easily without appreciating the 20+ pages of legalese needed to end it. 🙁 Also that even a non-adversarial mediation process feels like a scam. They bring up details we never would have considered and probably would not have missed from the agreement, yet they became talking points at hundreds of dollars/hour. Oops!! Still venting! 😀
Frozentc@yahoo.com says
It only cost $150 for my divorce here in Alaska. We agreed on everything and I have custody of our son.
Melinda says
And it only costs around $350 here in Australia, where we have no-fault divorce. The only necessary condition for a divorce being granted is ‘irreconcilable differences’, which is adequately proved by a physical separation of at least 12 months.
jeannie says
Florida is $300 filing fees and you can do your own paperwork if uncontested. My husband an I have been separated for 4 years. He is engaged to someone but has not made a move to start divorce proceedings. I refuse to pay for the divorce since he was the one who left. But beside that point, I wonder why she is so stupid to put up with it. I believe he just doesn’t want to remarry and I’m a good excuse. Anyone in those shoes needs to think very carefully the motivation behind your fiancée or boyfriend, girlfriend not going ahead with their divorce.
Zann says
Oh come on. Sure, divorce is usually a very unpleasant thing. It can be emotionally wrenching while at the same time tedious, all while ripping up your self-esteem. But this doesn’t sound like a case where divorce proceedings have simply gotten bogged down in the fine-tuning of custody/property/financial issues. This guy hasn’t even started the ball rolling. I agree that the reasons don’t really matter, and it likely has nothing to do with love or a lack of it. But he’s still in a marriage, still complaining about it (victim), and yet not taking any steps to get himself out of it. That tells me he feels quite safe and secure in his self-made prison, while enjoying the company of Catilyn. And not to put too fine a point on it, but you have to admit, there’s nothing quite like still being married to make you marriage-proof in the dating world.
I know the last thing I want to be doing in a developing relationship is trying to convince my man he should really, really get divorced. That’s something he should want to do because he wants to be free to get serious about me. But he should also want to do it so he can get on with his life in general, instead of just complaining about it. As for Caitlyn, I just hope she believes that her discomfort with this situation is reasonable and that she’s not responsible for his happiness — he is. I’m sorry, but he sounds like he’s got some serious whiner-blamer potential to me. And I’m sure it’s no picnic for his kids, either, being in this limbo for 3 years, while mom and dad do their immature feuding and complaining about each other instead of getting on with their lives.
Melinda says
Well said. Thank you.
morgan says
Maybe he’s just delaying the inevitable trip to the cleaners. It’s no fun facing the fact that you’ve been a cash cow to an entitled princess (which is what she sounds like).
Or maybe he hasn’t moved on emotionally.
Or he has moved on and sees no particular reason to get divorced, like some people see no particular reason to get married.
You won’t know until you push the issue, which after three years seems like a reasonable thing to do.
There’s another version of this story where he’s divorced but still hasn’t moved on emotionally – it isn’t always about the piece of paper.
nathan says
I was involved with a married woman for about a year recently. There was a lot of wonderful things about the relationship, but she was also stuck when it came to making things final with her husband. It was all quite complicated.
But my main point in this discussion is that while I believe these situations can sometimes work out, what my own experience as well as what I have seen for others, is that the whole ground upon which the relationship is built isn’t stable. When one or both partners come into a relationship with this kind of unfinished business, they tend to be muddled and unclear. So, even the best expressions of love and desire for a future together are mixed with tangles from the past.
I think you do have to be direct and find out where this guy stands. And even though it might be terribly hard, if he doesn’t want to make a plan, take steps, or offer some really good reason for why things are as they are, it’s best to leave.
I was basically forced to leave, which maybe was just as well. Whatever you do, Caitlin, don’t let the same thing go on for years on end. It will be much harder to break free the longer it goes.
Jennmarie says
Nathan
i m in the situation U got out of my only problem is that he told me he was divorced when we met and months later told me he was separated that was 4 1/2 yrs ago… Im still in it n now he wants kids wth me . I told him today im not having kids till he get divorced and he said he is not getting divorced so I feel ur pain but I now ..
Ruth says
Well said. i have been involved with a guy for nearly 8 years. He doesn’t live with me. He works with me in my self employed business and thinks he owns half of it even though I do all the work behind the scenes and pay the bills to keep business rolling around. He visits his ex everyday, as he wants to see his kids, ( 14 and 16 now!) Sometimes he stays the night on the couch, they have mutual friends and I dont get to be with his kids or his mutual friends. Might see his kids once a year. Lately I have had enough. And have asked him about a divorce. He says all in good time. Feeling like I am now way past the waiting game but have to sort my business stuff etc. His ex is not interested in him at all..she has had numerous affairs but she complains as she feels she has to have kids all the time and do everything and yet she hardly works. I often wish I hadnt stayed for this long as it becomes harder to leave the longer you stay..Im slowly making my way out of here and getting back my own life..and enjoying it..bus still struggle to let go of that last small connection which makes me hope he will divorce her and marry me..more than likely he won’t
JB says
For the record….it’s usually women that won’t date separated men or filter them out online.I’ve never met one guy that has said they wouldn’t date a separated women just because her divorce wasn’t final etc….especially if the said woman was attractive.
Every online dating site can track and prove that men have no problem contacting “separated” women about 100X more than women will even respond to an initial contact from a separated man.
Liz says
Because they want sex. Duh. Those women probably are not interested in a serious relationship when they aren’t even divorced, and the large majority of men on cheap dating sites aren’t seeking serious commitments, either. It’s called a “win-win” by circumstance.
Melinda says
You hit the nail on the head, I believe.
mccart katty says
yes they want sex
Steve says
@JB, post #20, why bring that up in the conversation? Do you have a problem with men? FWIW, to put it crudely, I could probably go to bed with a different woman each week from the pool of married friends I have who have let me know that they are there for the asking. To spoil your rule, I am one man who does not date married or separated women.
m says
“I’d tell him that since he has unfinished business and is unavailable (emotionally, psychologically, or whatever) for a new relationship, I’m leaving, and when he is free he can look me up.”
What Gem says.
I am usually hesitant to be harsh about my own gender’s choices — we get enough of that from the general population — but I really wish we would stop dating people who are not yet divorced. If that just stopped, separated men wouldn’t have all these fancy little options to encourage them to drag their feet, and if they really wanted the new woman they’d met they’d step up and get a move on with the divorce.
It’s a lady’s scarcity mentality that breeds that “I’d better snap him up right away before he becomes fully available” mentality, and men prey on us as a result.
Melinda says
I can definitely relate to what you’re saying but I don’t believe it’s a ladies’ scarcity mentality that’s the biggest issue. I think we need to look a lot longer and harder at the masculine genders’ entitlement issues.
Yet Another Guy says
@Melinda
I think we need to look a lot longer and harder at the masculine genders’ entitlement issues.
You clearly do not have a clue as to what it is like to date as a separated man. I did it for the year that my state requires as a condition for no-fault divorce. It is an order of magnitude easier for a separated woman to get a date than it is for a separated man. Why? Because the majority of men and women date for very different reasons because men and women have very different basic primal needs. Women are almost always motivated to date by the possibility of securing a long-term relationship (LTR). The reason being that an LTR with the right man satisfies a woman’s most basic primal need to feel safe and secure (it is the same primal need that drives women to seek taller men). Men almost universally date to have fun and possibly have sex. An LTR is basically a side effect for most men because men are driven to date by the primal need to spread their genome.
Melinda says
Your assumption is incorrect, Evan. I’m living with a separated man and have done so for the past 15 months. We are currently working through divorce and property settlement issues, which is where my experience and knowledge come from. I’m interested to learn what your own experience of dating separated men is? And what your qualifications are. Mine? Psychology. Women no long buy the ‘primal need’ ideology. You are no longer cavemen and we are no longer cave women. We have evolved. Even male Chimpanzees have the good sense to choose an older female to bear and raise their children…because that gives their offspring the greatest chance of survival. I note this rarely happens in the human world. Male entitlement remains a very big issue in this world…as evidenced by the #MeToo campaign. By all means, stick to your guns, but don’t be surprised if, as you and other men you know grow older, you find yourselves very lonely. The women of this generation…and of many of my own generation (I’m 57) simply aren’t willing to settle for second-rate, unfulfilling relationships based in the need for us to not express ourselves or stand for what we believe in. There is good reason for the male population to be feeling insecure right now. We can…and will…send you packing for any suggestion of immature ‘primal’ behaviour. We all, as adults, get to choose whether or not we act from our ‘child’ (id), ‘parent’ (superego) or ‘adult’ (ego…ego in this sense is completely different to the current understanding of ego). All this ‘primal’ stuff is simply the childish ‘id’ wanting its way. As I have said, by all means, stick to your guns.
Melinda says
Sorry…Evan…I used your name and should have replied to Yet Another Guy. The link was broken when I first attempted it and I managed to get confused. My apologies.
Yet Another Guy says
@Melinda
And what your qualifications are. Mine? Psychology.
My qualifications for knowing how men operate? Well, I am a man. Most of my friends are men.
There is good reason for the male population to be feeling insecure right now. We can…and will…send you packing for any suggestion of immature ‘primal’ behaviour.
You are delusional. You cannot send us packing. What you and your gang are doing rendering yourselves undesirable to all but the most beta males. Good luck with that!
Steve says
The common wisdom is to not get involved with someone until s/he is complete divorced and has had time to sort their lives out. EMK has a nice saying that tells people to look at what people do, not what they say. These two ideas seem to cover all bases of this situation.
Starr says
As a recently divorced woman, I couldn’t WAIT to get the final paperwork and move on. Could it be possible that these people who don’t get divorced may still want to be together? I would not date a man who was still married, i.e. separated…too many loose ends and potential problems (like this).
Based on the responses here it is clear that relationships are complicated and we all vary in what we deem acceptable and if a person is happy with whatever situation they are in, then great, but this women is clearly not happy with the situation and may benefit from broadening her prospects. If this guy is really serious about her, then he’ll take steps to proceed with a divorce. Or not. And then she’ll know if he’s the one for her.
Margo says
@M #22, agreed. This is just a bad situation. The OP should run from this fast. This man refuses to go ahead with the divorce. He is only concerned about himself and his own emotional and financial needs right now. Whatever he chooses to do at this time, whomever he chooses to live and spend time with, He’s still married! What don’t women understand about that?? Another dating coach has said, “If he’s still hers, he can’t be yours!”
Laine says
Gem at #3 summed it up succintly. Separated men are unavailable as they have unfinished business emotionally, legally and financially despite them often believing otherwise. They may feel ready to move onto another relationship, when infact what they are doing is covering up the pain of the marriage breakdown. They move from having a sense of being part of a couple, straight into still being a couple. Any psychologist worth their salt will tell you that you need time alone between relationships to find yourself as an individual again and not transfer problems in the marriage onto the next relationship. Separated is just another way of saying”still married”. Move on and tell him you can no longer see him whist he remains married. Good luck to you.
Janet says
When a relationship lead to this kind of situation, there is usually something else involved rather than purely love. I think there is something about financial issue and getting divorce would be super complicated with the legal system.
Lance says
@Kate Candy, love your response. If you’re still reading these comments, what are your reasons for NOT ever getting a divorce? That’s interesting information.
Kate Candy says
Lance, thank you for the compliment. Here’s why I don’t divorce: 1) I was the defendant in a very ugly lawsuit. I can’t deal with going to court again. 2) I planned and paid for the wedding. If he wants a divorce, he can file the papers and pay for it. 3) I really liked being married. Before I got married, everyone (and I do mean everyone) wanted to get their two cents in on my being single. “Have you met anyone” and “Is it going anywhere” were frequent questions and I felt bad for not living up to everyone’s expectations. Now, people ask if I’m married, I say “Yes,” or “Yes, I’m separated” and it’s a different conversation. and 4) I’m an orphan without siblings. My ex is my emergency contact. When I tell people I date these reasons for not divorcing, they say, “Yeah, but….”, but what? My ex has a girlfriend. They live together. We’re all cool. What’s the big deal. And ps, I don’t have any problems getting dates. As someone here said, guys aren’t that reluctant to date someone who’s separated. At least, they know I won’t pressure them to get married.
Goldie says
@ Kate #29, I guess I do understand your reason #4, but not the other three. ##1 and 2, if you guys are all cool, you can settle out of court for a very low amount. And #3, first of all, who cares what people say? Second, yeah when I was 20, everyone was in fact asking why I was still single and whether I had found someone and there was this really nice boy they knew… no one asks me now. I guess after a certain age, provided you’ve already done your time, you’re allowed to be single 😉 And finally, if you want people to think you’re married, well just tell them you’re married – what are they going to do, ask for your marriage certificate? 😉
As far as getting dates, heck I could get dates (if I wanted to) when I was still married and living together… A serious LTR is another story. If a man has not finalized his divorce, doesn’t have a good reason why, and cannot tell when it is going to be final, I’d be leery of entering into an LTR with him, because to me it’d be like living on a ticking time bomb – anything could happen any day, from him going back to his wife to his wife suing for alienation of affection, cuz guess what, I am living with her husband… unless there is a compelling reason for him to be separated and not divorced, I’ll pass.
Not trying to convince you or anything, it’s just that three out of your four reasons don’t sound compelling to me.
Kate Candy says
Thank you, Goldie. Most people will agree with you. As for an LTR, I think someone posted that women are more leery of men being separated than women being separated. All I can say is that my getting a divorce would be painful. I can avoid that pain. People are really freaked out by this. I think people do not like ambiguity. One should be married or divorced or single. But as I say to the guys I date, I would still be friends with my ex even if we divorced. We are not trying to get back together. I think male-female friendship is difficult for people to understand. On some visceral level, people do not want my ex and I to be close friends. Everyone is confused by this. I think if people were a bit more open-minded, relationships could flourish. Women want to possess men. They want to be the only female influence on men, so they limit their men’s interaction with other women. My ex’s girlfriend does not want him to spend time with me. He still does. I’ve told him that he shouldn’t lie to her; he says he’s not, but I think she’s made such a fuss that he avoids being truthful with her.
And this is important to women who read this blog. Men will do what they want. My ex wants to see me. He does not want to sleep with me. That’s why we separated. So he meets me for lunch and coffee before he goes home. His girlfriend will be away for part of the summer and we’re planning our 4th of July barbecue. People who read this might be outraged. People will think my ex is a jerk. But he’s not. Relationships are complicated.
People want things in neat black and white rows and columns. The OP that started this thread wants her boyfriend to divorce. That will make everything better. If only, he were divorced! But then what? This guy has character issues that will not be solved by him signing divorce papers. The OP is not listening/hearing/interested in who the guy really is or what he really wants. She’s making decisions for him. He’s not happy. She’s not happy. Bad.
Lori says
Well said ! Red flags all over if your BF won’t move to get a divorce and shame on him if he has children who are watching his behaviour .
Brandy McKnight says
That paper changes everything. Married twice. No desire to do it again. Living in sin is much more exciting. Would not want to be married knowing my spouse is seeing others. What’s the point of staying married? Made vows you are not following. Get out and be happy. My divorce cost me a lot of money. Totally worth every penny! It was lots of pennies!!! Darn community states! Breadwinner always loses without a prenuptial agreement. Lesson learned. Very expensive lesson. As for seeing a separated man, I know it is considered wrong but if the wife is aware he sees other women and you are aware that he is legally married, you can’t complain about it after the fact. I believe he will leave her if you are the one for him, children or not. Think it is wrong for the married party to say they will stay for their kids. Look at what you are teaching them? They see and mirror your actions. It can affect their own relationships down the road. Give them an ultimatum if you want a future with them or just have fun
Liz says
So you want to stay married to avoid your own emotional pain, yet you are all “cool” with the arrangement? I don’t think so. This is a bizarrely triangulated relationship with emotional manipulation through friendship, no matter what you are trying to sell.
SS says
@Kate 31
And this is important to women who read this blog. Men will do what they want. My ex wants to see me. He does not want to sleep with me. That’s why we separated. So he meets me for lunch and coffee before he goes home. His girlfriend will be away for part of the summer and we’re planning our 4th of July barbecue. People who read this might be outraged. People will think my ex is a jerk. But he’s not. Relationships are complicated.
A while ago, I might have been outraged, but a little bit of age and wisdom has led me to recognize that situations don’t always fit into neat little boxes.
HOWEVER… there is still a lesson that people can learn from your experience and that of the letter writer, and it’s called knowing what you want.
For example… when I was a never-married woman, I dated a guy who was separated (didn’t know this at first… he said he was divorced, but that wasn’t it). So many people said I should give him time, but I moved on after a few months and cut off contact with him. Why? Because I wanted to be married. I wanted someone who did not have lingering ties with an ex-wife and a complicated situation that had nothing to do with me. Women who don’t want to deal with other people’s complicated situations should not get involved with people in complicated situations.
On the other hand, I know people who have been married before and are now divorced and not looking to marry again. They might enjoy dating and having a “companion,” but they don’t want to move in with that person, live day-to-day life with that person, etc. This person might be the perfect candidate to date a separated man or woman.
But for all of the women I know out there who have never been married, want kids before it’s “too late,” etc., I don’t understand at all why they put themselves in a situation where they are dealing with a man who is not only not in position to really offer them that, but has no plans whatsoever to reduce contact with an ex-wife/wife and her family. And honestly, why should he just because YOU, a new prospect of six months or less, came along and want more?
It’s best to leave a separated person alone if marriage is your goal.
Shouraku says
I personally would not enter into a relationship with a separated person, and not because there exists the chance that they may go back to their spouse or be emotionally unavailable. Many people (like Kate Candy #31) are rational and have a good hold on their single life even though they are not divorced. Thus, I am not worried about what will happen if out relationship “doesn’t work out”, but I am worried about what will happen if it goes very well.
My issue is with the legal state that a separated person is in. Separated people are still legally bound to another person. This means that (in many states) my partner’s ex receives protections like: partner sick leave, hospital visitation rights, automatic inheritance, etc.
Lets say that our relationship is going exceptionally well, and we decided to purchase a house together. Then my partner is involved in a car crash and dies. Even if he left me his half of the house in his will, his ex can still contest it. I may have to pay to go to court and fight to prevent his ex from taking half of a house that should be mine. Or, say he lives but falls into a coma, I may have to deal with his ex having the legal right to take him off life support.
Even if no tragedy ever befalls our happy relationship, I have no desire to risk being sued for alienation of affection and potentially be financially ruined because his “wife” suddenly decided to go crazy on us one day.
And even if you decide to work as a couple, take precautions and work threw all these issues, there are still all the unknown factors that you cant account for until they fall into your lap, such as:
Olivia Shelltrack and Fondray Loving, a couple of 13 years moved in with their two children and a third child from Olivia’s previous relationship. The city denied them an occupancy permit because its zoning laws prohibit more than three people unrelated by blood, marriage or adoption from living together. The family faced fines of up to $500 every week for living in their home without an approved occupancy permit.
My heart goes out to people like Kate Candy and the man that Evan’s original article referenced. I hate to see good people be stuck in such a difficult position. But that does not change the fact that a LTR with a separated person would leave me in the role of “mistress” not “wife” as the law sees it. If the person were legally single then it would not be such a big deal, but the minute that you agree to be a mistress knowing that a wife is out there, then you are opening yourself up to all sorts of potential legal issues down the road, even if your partner is a saint and your relationship is exemplary.
Brandy McKnight says
What city/state had that zoning law? Wish they had that in Texas.
Nicole says
@Shouraku,
I don’t think that you need to pity Kate Candy. Her situation is one that has worked out perfectly b/c all parties involved are getting what they want. If her ex’s girlfriend was Caitlin, it would be a different story, because Caitlin sounds like she’d like to get married and have kids. So it’s not the same at all.
If I was to guess, some of the people who are okay with a status quo of never being married to the person that they are seriously dating have already been married, had kids, etc. Some are likely older and maybe have their own homes and routines.
But for someone who wants to build a life with someone else, this would be an intolerable situation, and if Caitlin is in fact hoping to do that she needs to do what Evan suggested and move on if necessary. And the advice that she OWN her feelings and stop trying to hide them in altruism regarding her boyfriend’s feelings was spot on. This affects her, and it’s okay if she admits it.
Kate Candy sounds like she is dating men who are okay without ever getting married too. But let’s not act like no men ever want to get married and are always okay dating separated women. This isn’t really a gender issue, and we shouldn’t make it into one. A man who wants to get married will want to date a woman who is legally available for that. A man who doesn’t will be thrilled to be with a woman who possibly will never can ask for that. But it’s not ALL men who consider permanent singlehood to be the best thing ever.
Add me to the list of people who skip over “separated” or even people whose first paragraph or two talks about how they just got divorced (and other overshares-amazing how many people think givng the history of a recently ended marriage will pull in the ladies). Too soon. Not for moral reasons, as some might suggest, but just b/c it’s unlikely that their end goal is going to match my end goal(and some of the oversharers are kind enough to admit it). And that is just a HUGE waste of time and energy for anyone.
LongHaulRachel says
Here is another voice from the other side. I have been separated for 12 years still undivorced. My ex left me when the children were really small for an older woman (can’t have children) that he is still with. There is no way either of us want to get back together again, he feels like a brother or some kind of family member (we never fancied each other terribly much). I don’t talk to the woman he left me for (my daughters godmother) but she really has nothing to worry about. I think the ex- enjoys the benefit of being part of a family, the children are super-happy and I did/don’t feel quite so alone. I guess that helps allay his conscience. I now have a long distance relationship (with an undivorced man!) so things are changing slowly. i have often been told that somehow we must want to get back together or the ex is being devious. I don’t think so. It’s expensive and difficult to divorce when kids are involved (I think) so unless he or I want to marry there is no point. I am sure we will when the kids leave home though.
Shouraku says
@Nicole #34
Kate #29 said:
Here’s why I don’t divorce: 1) I was the defendant in a very ugly lawsuit. I can’t deal with going to court again.
Kate #31 said:
All I can say is that my getting a divorce would be painful. I can avoid that pain.
Part (NOT ALL) of her reason for not getting divorced is due to difficult legal situation(s) she has admittedly been threw in the past. To be perfectly frank, I do feel bad for people who have had to go threw that, though I am also happy that she has been able to do the very best with what she has.
Amy says
He is clearly no over the wife, and the wife is not over him! Run while ya can sistah! And find somebody who is commited to you, you deserve your own future ex husband! Not somebody else’s!
Christie Hartman says
Caitlin, you need to read Dating the Divorced Man. If I had a dollar for every time I got an email with a story like this one, I’d be sitting on a nice stack of cash. Why doesn’t he get a divorce? One of two reasons: he’s hoping to reconcile, or he’s too lazy to divorce because, deep down, he’s AFRAID of dealing with all the emotional and financial fallout that comes with it. Your best bet is to let him go and tell him to contact you when he’s taken real action and is moving forward. Don’t reinforce his lack of action.
maria says
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 and half yrs. When i met him he said he is going to get divorced and he wanted to marry me. I believed him as he stopped seeing other different women and stuck with me. we broke up 3 time by now and everytime he managed to convince me that he is going to get divorced and so many deadlines has passed. Now am pregnant 8wks and now he says he cant take a divorce as it will affect his 3 children with her and he doesnt want to marry me. Now he is completely avoiding me. Am planning to approach the court for the child maintainence support!!!!
Believe me your boyfriend is never going to take a divorce. If you really think he loves you, you could try break up spells or black magic, etc,.. to make you convince that you have done everything you could to make it work!!!!
Good luck
Elle says
Caitlyn,
It’s tough and I’m in the same boat. He found me online at a dating site and asked me out. I told him no because he was separated and not divorced. He pursued me to meet him and we did. He was completely honest about his situation and asked for a 2nd date and I said “no” again. But he ended up being my friend and then we fell in love. It’s been almost 6 months now. He and his extobe live hundreds of miles away from eachother, yet he’s waiting for her to file. We have a beautiful relationship. I’ve been introduced to his colleages, friends, and family. Yet when he’s visiting his kids he’s in the same house as his ex. He does call me from there but it bothers me. He and I have talked about how well we get along and he wants to marry me when his things are finalized. He bought me a ring also (not engagement) as a commitment type. I’m very happy, however in the back of my mind, I wonder how this will all work out. He’s been afraid to push it on his end because of the kids and he doesnt’ want to look like the bad guy. But I did tell him I love him very much but if he doesn’t push it, I’m gone. I cannot get deeper and deeper into loving him with no permanent commitment. Even if we don’t marry, I would not feel right dating someone who is still married. What happens if something happens to him? Who do you think the police will contact – you? No, his wife! What happens if she uses the kids to try to make him feel guilty to try to get back together or is jealous he now has a life with you and wants to get back together with him? See when they are with us, they are in “bliss” and when they are with their kids and dealing with their ex’s they are in the married land.. they cannot have both! I’ve already been married, went through a tough divorce, and don’t’ want to get heartbroken again. So I’m giving mine a time line to file (in the back of my mind, not telling him) and if he doesn’t I’m gone until he does. It hurts too much to be the “other woman” and not have him a 100% as a boyfriend or husband.. it will always be in the back of my mind. I agree with all the folks on here who says, if he really wants a divorce, he’ll get one. If mine wants one too, he will get one. He will loose a woman who really loves him if he doesn’t, me. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. I know how it is, when I was married and starting my divorce process my ex dated and so I did too. it’s so easy to go home and see your ex and kids and feel one way and then when your with your girlfriend another way. It’s darn hard though to deal with the legalities of it and so many put it off. I was strong enough not to as my marriage was bad, but if they get along ok and their are no major reasons to do it and not to upset the kids, well they may look at it is “why should I upset the apple cart”? I wish you the best in your decision. I will be facing it myself too sometime soon if he does not get the ball rolling. I’m available and he isn’t.
Clare says
I can’t claim to know what’s going on in this man’s mind. But not risking ending up in this kind of limbo scenario is one of the reasons I’d never get involved with someone who was separated, not divorced. If they have not actually taken the legal steps to break the tie between them, I just feel it’s safer not to go there as a third party.
WomeninMass says
I will tell you your situation is not much different than mine. I dated a separated man and in the end I saved his life and he chose to be with his family over me. Many men do not want to get a divorce or make it final. Now that I”m out of it im grateful that it’s over. It was painful to see him do all this stuff for his wife and not for me. He’d go and visit his kids and paint their house, go up for all the holiday weekends, and I’m wondering when he will file for his divorce and make it final so we could have a life.. one year and alot of sadness over it. My advice, leave him til he files. if he doesn’t he’s not as committed as you are. I saw it all come down when I saved his life and the wife showed up.. I was shoved to the side and all of a sudden I didn’t exist anymore and he told me it’s too much for me.. even though he wanted to marry me.. Men just want to have their cake and eat it too. I’ll never date a man unless he’s completely single and that includes emotionally and legally.. too much to be the woman on the side and waiting and waiting for nothing to happen! They should end something before they begin it with someone else!
WomeninMass says
I”m the same woman who posted #39 and 41.. omg I forgot I posted it.. you can see how it all turned out for me! At the end he ended it.. didn’t want to get his divorce and chose the wife over me.. I knew if something happened to him it would. I’m a medium and I knew it anyways.. so glad im out of it.
talia says
I’m in the same boat. The answer I get each time I ask where has the divorce got to and I’m met with ‘I’m sorting it – besides why’s a divorce so important to take place right this minute? My hearts with you, if I was unfaithful I could go back to her divorce or no divorce’.
Kathleen says
If Caitlin went out tonight and picked up a guy in a bar she would have a 90% better chance of a romantic married future than with the still married guy she’s with
Kay says
I just asked my married but separated boyfriend of three years why it hasn’t happened yet and was greeted with much anger that I asked. He told me he is done talking about it and if I don’t want to be in a relationship with a married man then go find a single one. He claims he doesn’t have the money for a divorce but recently when a new tv was needed he signed a $2000 contract for a 64″. I have 1/2 my possessions in his house and sometimes feel I should get up and go.
Janea says
That’s my situation. My boyfriend of almost 3 years won’t get a divorce. He blames it on money, but has bought expensive dogs, fish, cars, rims and a boat just to name a few since we’ve moved in together. I brought it back up again, as we’re going on another year, and he got pissed and stormed out. He even told me to find someone else to go on the couple’s trip we planned for my birthday next week. I don’t know why he’s mad at me, but I don’t care. I know he’s in the wrong and is the one holding us back from progressing. He desperately wants kids, but I refuse to stop birth control until he’s divorced. He’s proposed and we talk about our future life together, but my biological clock is seriously ticking and his lack of initiative and follow through speaks volumes. I’ve been patient and understanding, but I now feel my feelings aren’t valued.
Alex Johnson says
Alimony depending on length marriage also child support if children are involved.Some men wait until the kids are older so they dont have to pay out of pocket.
Rachel says
if the man is still married, RED FLAG, HELLO!!!!!!!!
Rachel says
you are the woman that I would love to meet in person, you affect their children more then the couples itself. Really, I was 13 leaving a voicemail on womans phone crying telling how much she ruined my family. They’re married, seriously. Back off.
you’re just explaining to eachother what he means…no the guy wants his family back, and the mother of their children back. He loves them and doesnt want to lose them….concentrate more being on some single men then the married ones. Really, there is assisting out there if they really want a divorce, but they will always love their children more then you and will always have the mother of their child on a pedastal.
Red says
How do you all feel about being in a relationship with a man who HAS started the divorce proceedings and actually has filed for the divorce/dissolution of marriage? Asking because that is my situation at this time.
JenMA says
I’m in the same situation you described. I’ve been with him now for over 4 years, going back and forth from feeling foolish for staying, to being ok with it because I do love him. He has started proceedings, but his wife is making everything impossible. She has lots of “medical issues”, is on disability and doesn’t work. (medical issues in quotes because from what I’ve gathered she could work) He pays the mortgage on their house- that he no longer lives in, pays her car payment, health insurance.. on and on it goes. Part of the separation agreement is that she puts the house up for sale, but she has made no effort to do this. Every court date nothing changes, things just get continued for another 3 months. I know anyone reading this will think it’s ridiculous that I’m still with him, and they would be right. I would be devastated to leave him, but I’m in a relationship that is a going nowhere.
MonaBee says
A lot of advice says not to enter a relationship with a separated man. Trouble is, most woman looking for advice are right smack in the middle of a heart wrenching, bittersweet relationship. They love their separated man and wake up with a knot in their stomach and constant anxiety about the future. It really sucks. My bf was cheated on after 20 years of marriage. She moved out and bought a house. She got a lawyer and then they decided to go to mediation. Then they stopped and no one has got the ball rolling again. We’ve been dating a year. They are still married separated and living apart. A month ago I said its important he file. Month later. Nothing. I ask why and he says ‘I don’t know!!!’
Like others have said. He’s the perfect man…if it weren’t for this. I want marriage. I’ve been divorced for 7 years. I’m ready. As painful as it is, I know I’m going to have to leave him soon. Here he has a second chance at happiness and blowing it. I’ll come back and tell u guys if I pull the trigger.
de elle says
MonaBee,
How does your story end?
Jan says
Unfortunately there is no good reason to be with a separated married man. I was also with one for 6 months. He was separated for 2 1/2 years and she cheated on him and moved in with her boyfriend. He was giving her money and said all the excusses in the book not to file for divorce. I told him from the start I wasn’t comfortable with it…he did nothing. But promised he would. Finally I said that’s it, I’m done and left. He begged and apologized and asked what he needed to do. I said get divorced. He still did nothing.
In these situations you have to look at Your feelings and if a guy doesn’t do anything immediatly is isn’t going to!!! That’s a fact! It will not change!
I knew then he never had any intention of divorcing her and I was just an easy escape for him and I am mad at myself for getting in the situation and also at him because he is a selfish person. Probably why she cheated on him!
Amanda says
I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 in a half years. He wants a divorce, but does not want to pay for the whole thing.His ex only wants a divorce when she does not have a man in her life or no one supporting her. She goes through alot of men. She is now trying to go through my boyfriends mom. Plus she is calling me telling me that she just talked to my boyfriend. She even uses the kids as an excuse to talk and see him. My boyfriend does not fall for those games anymore like he used to. He is very happy with me. But he does not listen to when I tell him he needs to divorce her. He can pay for the divorce and have it in the divorce papers that she is to pay him for half for it. he thinks she will contest it. But they have gone to Family court several times over custody of the kids because she is never there for them and does not take proper care of them. I understand that it may cost more if she contests the divorce, but there is a chance the judge won’t let her. She is only looking for someone to support her 200% and take care of the kids 100% of the time. I am not wanting my boyfriend to get a divorce because i want to get married to him, because it is not that way. I am very content in how our relationship is. I just want it to be over between them and get it through her head he don’t want her. This is a tricky situation to be in. Because no matter how much I pressure him, I always feel like the bad guy. My boyfriend has gone as far as to ask me if I was jealous. That ticked me off and hurt. I am not jealous of her. I am a much better person than she is. I take care of my kids and theirs. At that point, I almost said enough is enough. I ended up walking out making my oldest watch her sisters. I didn’t tell him I was leaving and I refused to text him for hours. He had to find out from my daughter that I had left, but she still wouldn’t tell him where I was. My daughter only told him that he had hurt me by the words he said to me. So being with someone that is still legally married, is not as easy as it sounds. So if you are thinking about getting with someone that is married, then do some research and make sure they want to get a divorce before you get involved. I thought I could deal with it, but I was wrong. The exes always interfere with your life. i am thinking about giving him another year to file, then if he doesn’t leave him, because this is all way too much. Not only did I get a man who does love me, but I got his ex too. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and his kids, just don’t like all the baggage that he is holding onto.
candee says
I agree with Christie Hartman…
In my case it was the latter of the two reasons. He was too afraid of the emotional and financial crap PLUS he was didn’t want to be the “bad guy” and be labeled as the one who wanted a divorce. Honestly that is a piss selfish excuse. He had been miserable in his marriage and his wife was too. But even tho she had agreed to separate first, he was too chicken to make the final move of filing for divorce. But in the end the wife called him out on him seeing me before they were separated. So SHE filed for the divorce.
He thought he was in the clear but in reality he hadn’t dealt or thought about what would happen when he needed to go thru the divorce process. Things between us became more of a convenience for him. He began to take things for granted. Spent a lot of time trying to protect hos ego and image. Slowly started to shun me away because in his own words he didn’t know how to face his family and friends about his divorce and I would be viewed as the problem.
Jennifer says
My boyfriend hasn’t even filed uses the need money for lawyer excuse. I say u can file then get the lawyer but show me something.
dont know why I bother I’m always upset and now it’s affecting our relationship
she owns a building he wants in the divorce but it doesn’t natter I told him u will have to sell eeverything in just heartbroken trust Iyet end this relationship
if he loved me nothing would stand in his way
if he files and chases me I know it’s true
Esmy says
I have been separated from my husband for five years, I have the money for the divorce but I just don’t need it. He has had three girlfriends, and all have asked him to file and he doesn’t. We don’t have any financial obligations to each other, we are both successful and have everything we need. We had property and we agreed to leave it to my daughter and now she owns everything. He doesn’t bother me and I don’t bother him. We live in different states and when either of us needs something we call each other. He helped me with my deposit for my new place, and paid my first months utilities, and he even paid for some of my gas and hotel stays when I was moving. I know if I was his girlfriend I wouldn’t put up with it, but hey they are the ones who stay. I know he doesn’t want to be with me because he tells me that I should find a good man. But I like my so called freedom, maybe the day I meet a good guy I will file. Until then it doesn’t affect me.
Mel says
I have been w my spouse almost 6 years in march. I left him for a year under the condition he divorces and he didn’t. We have 4 year old twins together, I love his his kids. It was a mess from the beginning he lost his job, bk, then got another, and now what are the excuses? I never wanted more kids till I met him I love him and love our kids but I’m tired of feeling like a mistress I’ve been understanding he put his wife on his insurance and not me I gave up so much for him. I have a heart disease and other medical problem and I can’t even go get help
Yvonne R says
My spouse left me and states his reasons are he doesn’t like paperwork and don’t have $450 for closing costs. He does get money though. He could just be really lazy. But apparently not affecting him to the point like above posters have said. If he wanted one he would do it. No kids. No property and still makes a man lazy.
Kristina says
Oh how glad I am to have stumbled upon this website. Now I dont feel bad for him anymore for wanting to leave him. I do love him, but I just cant do this anymore. 3 years. When I first met him, we worked together. I knew he had a wife and kids, but he was very open about the fact that he had a miserable marriage, and told me he had been seperated for a while and it was over. We were friends first, I had no idea we would start dating, but we went out for drinks one night and well…it just happened, and then we grew closer and seriously spend every minute of the day together, 3 minutes later.
Problem of course – no divorce. I hinted that I really wanted him to get a divorce. He wanted to go home with me for Christmas, I told him I’m not introducing a married man to my mother, although I have had to lie about the situation to her she would kill me if she knew.
Then he also has 2 kids with this evil woman. I am a very insecure women. I have never been lucky with relationships, so Im torturing myself crying for hours every day, wondering why I am not good enough. His reasons for no divorce – The wife leaves him alone, he says its just a piece of paper, and he doesnt have the money for the cost and for child support. Although he gives his kids money all the time I dont get it. Also he used to have money – hell, he even bought his wife boobs, here I am with 32A’s lol. He somehow lost it all, through trying to open a business that failed etc. He now lives with me, pays absolutely nothing, not one dollar to help with rent. I even paid for half of his car ( he wanted a Mercedes even though he is broke, and I was stupid to help him pay for it.) I tell him we need a break at least, I have told him I want to end things, but he always comes back crying and he has no where to go. So I let him and I do love him, and we used to be happy, but I’ve waited so long. He threatened to kill himself the last time I told him I’m done. I dont know what to do, I miss him so much and cry when he is gone, but I am miserable when he is here. I told him I would give anything to have what that evil woman had, a family with him. At first I told him I didnt care about marriage and didnt want kids, but I was young and just wanted to be with him, so I told myself those things. Then I changed I wanted to get married, but obviously thats still not possible.
Another side note – He is much older than me. I had never experienced a long term serious relationship before him. Here he is coming from a 20 year marriage. I cant get over how long that was. He also says that he doesnt do breaks, which is what I keep asking for. I know it is because he and the wife were seperated many times, but he wont even give 1 time and says he is moving far far away if he cant have me. I told him he could have, but he made the decision to push me away by not closing the door of his past.
So out of hurt and anger and because I really dont love him the way I used to, I cheated. He still doesnt know, but thats another reason why this has to end. Because I’m falling for this other guy, who has never been married, no baggage, sweet sweet guy. But the road there is tough, because before I had never found someone I loved. But I cant have him to myself and I cant be happy with that. I can have better than this.
tennillewade says
if you believe in God and religion I would say meeting this new guy is your way out. He’s totally available to you and you like and are starting to love him the other guy sounds like a loser extremely childish and very selfish. Put yourself first and move on to be happy. Even if things don’t work out with the new guy you cheated, if you wanna call it that, with at least you will know what being with a good guy feels like.
Sarah says
I’ve been dating a man for six months who’s still married. When we first met he told me his wife had filed for divorce and it should be final in “just a couple of weeks”. I let it slide for about three months because I bought the story but then I started feeling some concern about the length of time it was taking and began to pester him about it. After lighting a fire under him he told me he contacted her and that she would file the next week. A couple of months go by and I take it upon myself to contact the court clerk and guess what??? She still hasn’t filed. Frankly I’m about done with the excuses and am inches from bailing on this guy. I love him dearly but my happiness is important and the situation is NOT making me happy. He says he loves me and wants me in his life forever but if this were the case wouldn’t he be a little more proactive about this….maybe go track her down, retrieve the paperwork, and file it himself? Who knows what rolls through the male brain when it comes to these things? He doesn’t live with her, have any children with her, own any property with her, pay any of her bills, and he says he doesn’t want to reconcile with her…..so it’s anybody’s guess. My point here is to figure out how much you’re willing to put up with and then draw a line. They say nice guys finish last….well nice girls don’t always fare that well either. Life is short and the world is full of great guys!! Don’t be a doormat or sell yourself short. Best of luck
getdivorcedwhenuleave says
I don’t agree with anyone on this forum. It’s all twisted and ridiculous. If you and your spouse leave each other and no longer wish to be together and feel that you can HAVE A GF OR A BF someday THEN DIVORCE! File for it at the very least! Saying you don’t plan on re-marrying or what have you shouldn’t be the reason for filing for a divorce. It’s closure. Period. Don’t be lame and stay for freebees like medical or dental or stupid crap that you can get on your own with a job- oh well if it costs more THAT WOULD YOUR PROBLEM. Be a man, be a woman and do it for closure. THEN FIND A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND WITH OUT TIES ON YOUR END AND/OR YOUR EX’S HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE for whatever reason. EWWW NOT SEXY and VERY disrespectful to your new chica or chico. GET IT STARTED AND GET IT DONE.
kay says
The man I date separated from his wife because she cheat on him got pregnant. The baby was born last June 2013 and he will be a year old coming up this June. She has no health insurance and use his health insurance. He has no motivation of start the divorce. They still file tax together. He claimed that he doesn’t have the money to file for divorce so he wait on her and she doesn’t want to divorce him. First it bothered me but to the point that I don’t care because he doesn’t have the ball to file for divorce let it be. I just do what it is best for me and do my on things. Maybe the cheat was all his fault so he want continue to get use and be a doormate to her that’s his call. Men like this type consider to be stupid and need to be use. I am sorry but that’s my opinion. Men like this don’t deserve a good woman.
Sally says
Kay, don’t play yourself. This man is confused! There was no closure to his marriage. His wife (whom he might still love deeply) has cheated on him. The fact that up until recently he was paying her bills is a BIG RED FLAG! A man who pays a woman’s bills is certainly sleeping with her. …..
Proceed with CAUTION!
stacey says
definitely!!!!!!
Kay says
I appreciate all the comments on here and i can feel the pain thru the words. I have reached a point to finally say enough is enough. I would rather be alone than in a dysfunctional family that can and do only care about their selfish wants. I gave to no end only to my loss and their gain. Its an eyeopener to see how very self centered people can be and its disheartening. I am going to force my heart to close the book and hope a brighter path awaits. Best of everyfhing to all the good women out there that allow their lives to be lovingly strung along for the sake of hoping that this is it. I unfortunately have learned that you will never be puf first with a married man who lacks the courage to end it. It will take a toll on you physically, mmentally and possibly financially while you enable his family to reap from what you sow.
Jenna Vincent says
I was in a relationship with a married man for two years. Just recently, it all came to a head and we haven’t spoken In two weeks. He just pulled away with no explanation and attempted to contact me only once with a half assed apology. He is married, he will never leave his wife, and you will always get the short end of the stick. Please, I beg you, leave him before he breaks your heart, bc trust me honey, it’s inevitably going to happen. You deserve to be a wife, not a mistress.
Shayla says
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years and he is still married. They have been separated for almost 7 years and she is currently in jail. He has full custody of his two kids, whom I am helping to raise. It hurts me every day that he wont get a divorce. Where i live, it costs $200 to file for divorce. We do not have a lot of money, but I’ve told him we can save up and get it all done with but he says we cant. He claims he wants to marry me and start a family and i want that too as i love him very much, but its just getting harder and harder to believe he really loves me.
Rshelldb says
I have been in a relationship with a married man for 2 years now. He wasnt honest about being married at first but then after he told me he said they were going through a divorce which he could never could furnish any type of paperwork to prove so and there was no records on file either…he made it like he had custody of his kids and she lived elsewhere well come to find out a year and a half into the relationship they still resided in the house together (I lived 3 hours away)…after quite a few red flags I knocked on his door and found out she was still living in the house…big confrontation…found out they apparently are trying to divorce but for whatever reason nothing has been filed….he has since moved out but still will not be clear on whats going on with the divorce…he says he filed a dissolution but never shows me any paperwork….he has been throwing smokescreens to keep me from leaving even went as far as creating a fake divorce decree…has made it a very intolerable situation for me and tired of the BS.
Henriette says
why on earth have you not dumped this guy? He lies to you, plays games with you, refuses to give you direct answers… Is that the kind of person you want to build a life with?
Rshelldb says
Thats a good question, still looking for the answer myself… but no, thats not the type of person I want to build a life with.
Shawn says
Never get involved with a married man. Separated or Not. The minute you find out that he is married turn around go the other way, quickly!
Kim says
I met a guy One night while I was out with my male cousin. The guy kept asking is that you boyfriend, once I introduced them it was fine. Anyways so he asked for my number and asked me out the next day I delayed it for A few day. He seemed to be perfect out the military, worked for homeland security..had his own apt with roommates!! Well let’s get to the real deal.. I always said this guy is too perfect something is not right .. I found him to be shady .. he was hungry for my attention daily. And I was away in the hamptons a lot.. So once I was home he chased me day after day. Blowing up my phone any chance he got.
He invited me to go out one night for drinks with his marine buddy .. After I had maybe 3/4 drinks.. His busy pulled me aside and said oh we need to talk.. I said ok.. It turns out he is married and has 2 small kids that lives in Florida. He is still 1000% legally married and talks to her daily ame she calls and says oh the kids need so he spends. But is cheap with me.
Anyway I said so are you getting divorced he said yes. This was July.. I asked every month what are you doing? He said in November that he did not want to file it because his wife bday was coming up and did not want to upset her. I said go to hell! He said he will file it which I never saw proof. But his roommates were his wife’s cousins and made me look like a fool he lied to me about that too. I honestly tried and he continued to lie.. And now I’m December he goes to FL to see them and I went we stayed @ my brothers home.. I spent Xmas alone because he was with his wife, her mom and his kids. And left me 2 hours away @ my brothers. That entire week I had to deal with that shit. He was so disrespectful.
Once we came back to NY he did nothing to move the divorce ffwd.. And I said do it or I’m gone.. He did nothing.. I got fed up & left his ass. Honestly if they are married leave it along and find another man that is single. I was married but once I knew it was not working I got divorced.
He tried to fill my head with you are wife material, I want to have a baby with you.. Oh I’m going to marry you. Don’t fall for that!! It’s a pack of lies.
now he texted me last night that he loves me. I did not even Reply. The mistake he made was lying and now I just don’t care.
Margaret Thomsen says
Morning – I am up early this morning because I am in a relationship with a man who will not divorce his wife. He and I have been together three years – he has been living apart from his wife for six years prior to that but – still operated as part of a couple – part of a family unit. He and I are not a young couple – and I have to admit it is nice to have companionship and the security of knowing there is someone I could turn to for help with things. The trouble is – he has a family that he needs to be with, as have I. He has become more and more secretive about his visits to his family where I am an open book. I believe families should be close and so would never hinder his relationships with his children. It would appear that his ex-wife now wants him back as she is lonely and as a result he now hides his visits and phone calls. He says I am at fault as I am too jealous. I actively encouraged him to visit his children, become more involved in the birth of grandchildren etc, but now I am excluded from births, birthdays and other family events as his first wife has not as yet met me. I now know he will not divorce her and feels that there is nothing wrong in that – but he wants to be with me and says that should be enough. The intellectual part of me understands that – he and she are not young and he doesn’t want to hurt her. The emotional side says, hang on you idiot – after three years he should be clearer on his position with me.
Dana says
This really did help thanks now i know what i need to do.
Gary says
I’m in a very different situation. I cheated on my wife’s and then i told my wife of 33 years I was leaving to be with this woman. She was in total shock for a few weeks. After about a month or so I got cold feet and moved back in with my wife. She was very willing to work on our relationship but it was I in the end that could not do my part so I left again. Now I’ve dated this same woman for a little over 2 years now. I am no closer to divorce now than I was two years ago.
I know most of you are thinking this guy should go-ahead and get the divorce. What are you waiting for?
well, I’m gonna tell you. It’s pretty compliacated but I’ll do my best to explain the reasons for not moving forward. 1) she will get half of my 401K and retirement which is fairly substancial 2) she will get half of the house that I built with my bare hands, blood, sweat, and tears 3) she will get a very nice alimony check from me each month. And on top of all of that all my children and grandchildren live within a 100 yards of our house. So if I divorce her, I’m gonna lose half my nest egg (she didn’t work or contribute) and it’s very likely I will greatly decrease the opportunities to see my children and grandchildren, which is something I can’t live with.
scarydogmother says
It’s not complicated at all: You are selfish. You’re the one who cheated and left your wife. She very well should get half the 401k, the house and everything else but you don’t recognize her work and contributions because they don’t resemble yours.
OneWhoHasBeenSeparatedFor3Years says
Gary,
I didn’t cheat on my ex and she’s getting those exact same things. I kind of want to go back now and show your response to see if I can get a discount! 😛
amy says
I am in the same boat…I’ve been with my guy for almost 4 years. We both were married to other people when we met. I got my divorce but he has not. His wife wants a divorce but he tells me he is not giving her a divorce in till he gets his stuff from her. But hasn’t told her that just text her and says we need to talk. But the way I see it he hasn’t had them in 4 years why does he need it now?
Brittany says
I’m currently in this same situation. However, for the first year I had no clue he was even married. I did not find this out until the death of his mother when my mother snooped and found his mothers obituary in the paper and found out he was not only still legally married, but has four children! I was heart broken. I confronted him about it, and with a heavy sigh he did come out clean with me and told me that the reason he did not want to tell me was because he was afraid of loosing me. I told him that I forgave him, that it happens.. however, two years later (and then some) he has yet to get the divorce.
I’m growing extremely tired of the waiting game. Even moved out of the state because he refused to divorce his wife (who makes him extremely happy, I’ve hear her do nothing but scream at the children and even him) because he doesn’t want to loose his children. He said he would get the divorce if I moved in with him. Not happening. His kids know about me, even spoke to me.. even called me his girlfriend right in front of their mother. The wife even knows about me and doesn’t seem to care (she’s simply using him to babysit the kids and get his money anyways).
Its killing me more and more everyday that he doesn’t get the divorce done. I’m at the point that, which I’ve told him, I’m starting to fall out of love and I’m starting not to even care anymore. Now that were over 500 miles away from each other, you would think he would do anything in his power to get me back, and that is only happening when the wife is gone, which I’ve told him. Looks like it’s going to come down to when I bump into a guy in my town and his worry comes true.. loosing me forever.
Jaimie says
This is the third time I’ve read this post over the last few years plus the comments. I’m in a similar situation. He promised me beginning of this year that he’d file for divorce over the summer. When I asked at the beginning of the summer if he had started filling forms yet he said that ‘they’ had decided to postpone it till next year. We had a massive row and I was ready to walk out on him. He had the nerve to call me controlling when in fact I’ve been as patient as I can be (probably the wrong thing to be in the first place reading all the comments here). In the end he said I was right, that he was disrespecting me, that I deserved more and that he needed a kick up his ass. Over the last months I’ve told him to shut up about marrying me and other things involving our future that do not seem realistic with him seperated but not divorced. In my opinion we are drifting apart. Daily I think about what life will be like without him. He seems to think we are doing great despite me showing far less warmth than I used to. I used to think he was my soulmate but I realise that a soulmate would be aware of my increased unhappiness and would not put his head in the sand and pretend it is not there. Next year is around the corner. Divorce has not been mentioned and, as far as I know, no papers have been filled. I feel very conflicted at the moment. Not looking forward to the holidays or next year, despite having many other things in my life to be happy and gratefull for. I feel like I’m being taken for a ride despite him showing commitment in many other ways to our relationship. He loves me but apparently not enough to go through this unpleasant business. It makes me feel hollow inside. I feel my love for him slipping away and I cannot believe that after all we’ve been through he is forcing me to say goodbye to him. Actions do speak louder than words.
me says
He does not want to marry you. I have dated a man that swore up and down he wanted to marry me and he has not. He loves her still. I just wasted my time. He never intended to marry me EVER.
Asylum patient#879😉 says
I am involved with a married man who keeps throwing out financial obstacles as to why he cannot file for the divorce. This has been going on for almost 8mos. We are currently living together elsewhere while his wife resides in their home. It is my thinking that if he weren’t paying (perhaps guilt-driven)for the rent, utilities,etc. for her, he could easily afford the divorce. He feels a need(whatever excuse sounds reasonable at the time)to contact her daily(usually after her 30th voicemail) usually in my absence, and lie about it, then let something slip like “Oh,well, yeah…I did give her a ride the other day”. After going on about how crazy she is..blah,blahh. My assumption is that he may not actually want a divorce & he’s simply enjoying having two women squeaking about the other over him.
Karmic Equation says
Dump him.
Why did you get involved with a married man in the first place?
And once you knew he wasn’t divorced and after he’d shown you he prioritizes his wife over you, why do you stay with him?
I’m sorry. You made this bed yourself. And you have no one to blame but yourself for your unhappiness. He’s not divorcing her because you have no boundaries.
The good news is that you can fix the situation yourself.
Just dump him already.
Nicole Motherof2 says
I have two children with a married man and I got my tubes tied so I will never have a family with anyone else. We were both married when we got together. I got divorced and well, he didn’t I want to pay for his divorce with my taxes and ask him to merry me as a V-day gift but he avoid talking about it when I bring it up. Talk about STUCK… I was abused by my step-father and refuse to take a chance for one of my boys to have to go through the same thing.
Joan says
I would guess he cheated on her also, maybe first, and really doesn’t want to deal with that ugly part of who’s fault it is, or have his children learn he did that. As long as she has the kids, he’ll have to pay her the greater share of the child support. There are things he’s not telling you, I’m certain.
Silence says
My situation now is similar. I am in long distance relationship with my boyfriend. Recently, ı went visited him and wanted to meet his family but he didn t allow me. That’s when I realised something are not cleared. He told me he is divorced when we first met last year. Now after asking so many questions, he admitted that he is still married on paper but seperated not staying together. This is because of his son and he won’t allow a stepfather living with his son for now and in future. So they willing to stay seperated until his son is 18 years old. Ä°t was heartbreaking after i got to know he is still married on paper even though he admitted( by islamic syariah law) he is already divorced. As for now, i am in silence but he keep on accusing me of leaving him and that i dont understand his situation now. We are in love and care for each other. But now i really couldnt say anything. Ä° couldnt talk to anyone about this as nobody would understand. Obvıously, people would say walk away and move on. He told me if i fly to meet him again he will explain everything. Well now like i said i am in silence , in a way i am trying to get hold of everything that’s going on in my life. Ä° feel my heart is stabbed 1000times.
JtMoney says
Or maybe he doesn’t want to be with her seriously, as long as he’s married, he doesn’t have to worry about marrying her or dealing with the shortcomings if the relationship
Diana says
Spot on.
El says
I’ve been with my separated boyfriend for about 61/2 years now (he left her 2 years before I met him). I’ve been through HELL. His ex is a total nut job; I have two court orders of protection against her. He has several police reports against her, etc. He actually had her served with divorce papers 3 years ago, but for some reason nothing has come of them. I live in total AGONY. I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m mad, I’m anxious, I’m WAITING… I really can’t take it any more. I too feel like I’m being taken for a ride because he knows all of this and still nothing is happening with the divorce. I know that if it were me, I would NEVER let him feel the way I’m feeling! NEVER! I would make it happen ASAP. I think he’s very happy with his dysfunctional life (fighting with her on a daily basis), and having me to comfort him… I’ve walked away from him several times, but he cries, begs, and makes all kind of promises, and me, the fool that I am, feel sorry for him and take him back. I am finally at the point in which I don’t care any more. It’s been months since I’ve stayed at his place, however, no matter what I say or do, his divorce is still at a stand still. I KNOW that I deserve better. I KNOW that I should love myself more. I’m empty… I KNOW I need to walk away because he’s just WASTING my years away. I truly love him with all my heart, but I REGRET the day I met him.
M says
I am not trying to be mean here but you are committing adultery and God is never going to ordain an affair which is what this is. Married people are off limits.
Brandy McKnight says
Married men who are cheating do leave the wife. I have seen this first hand. They even take on other children and raise them while leaving their own flesh and blood behind. Just depends on the situation. Only God can judge us.
Diana says
RARELY, does this happen. Both cheaters are typically low quality people.
Diana says
I am 29 and was dating a man 13 years older than me for almost 2 years. Of course when I met him he told me he was in the process of a divorce and he no longer loved or was physical with his soon to be ex. They have a now 13 year old and now he and I have a 6 month old . Everything was great, he was always with me and he even played the daddy role for my almost 3 year old. I feel, HARD! About 3 months after our son was born he began to act distant, of course I would always call him out but he made me seem like a crazy person. One day I found out he and his wife were still together. He never fully admitted it until I gathered evidence. Until this day, he won’t be honest that he was living two different lives. Under certain circumstances he ended up coming clean to her, of course he didn’t tell her the entire truth. He pretty much made me out to be a crazy girl who he’d been trying to break up with. He then told me he was trying to find guidance with the Lord… needless to say,in a week we went from speaking and being together to not speaking at all. He is now with his wife again… did she forgive him? Not sure, but I am almost certain they are working things out. The entire time he made me believe paperwork was being filed. I am completely broken hearted, but for some reason I cannot tell his wife everything that she needs to know. I know that she would be hurt. This man met my family and my daughters real father… the relationship was 100% real until it wasn’t.
Lesley Lovera says
I really feel for you Caitlin. I was with a man for 4 years, when we met he was married and living separate lives in the same house with his wife. 9 months after we began dating the house was sold. He had the money to divorce but never did. I stupidly put up with his multitude of excuses for 4 years as to why he would not divorce. Caitlin, the way your boyfriend is now is who he is and this will never change. If he cannot consider your feelings so early on in your relationship or have an honest conversation about why he will not initiate divorce without passing the blame onto you by, in effect, saying it is you with the problem and fears about his wife then this begs the question “does he really care about you”? I’ve learnt the hard way and hindsight has taught me a valuable lesson. How the relationship is now is how it will always be. Why would you want to be with a man who says he loves you yet his actions, or rather lack of them, say differently? There will be many times in the future you will need to discuss your feelings and this man clearly isn’t taking yours seriously. How can you build a relationship with anyone until they truly underline their previous one? I think this man is lazy and though less and is taking the path of least resistance. While he is still married he is not only unavailable emotionally but also legally, his wife is his next of kin. I would save yourself a lot of heartache and leave. You deserve to be with a man who adores you, is actively working with you to build a future together and who genuinely listens to you and takes your feelings seriously. Don’t settle for less. We all get what we are prepared to put up with.
Krystal says
I have been dating a man who has been separated for almost 8 months now. He has no ties with his wife, no children, etc… he says he has to wait until he’s financially stable to file for divorce, then it’s he has to wait certain period of time before filing, when I ask him about the subject he doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants me to move in his house, and his 2 children from previous marriage I get along great with. I just am not sure I can wait much longer , the story never seems to change.
Dorline says
My answer is from my opinion I am a wife separated for 4 years. My husband been cheating before our separation still is. I have asked for a divorce but he will not respond and have told women he will never divorce. The answer simply he wants his cake and eat it too. Some men want to keep their wives around so once they done playing want make it work. It also a control thing feel they want have to worry about the wife having a Stable relationship because they are still married.
Daniela says
I am at the same situation!
I just left him yesterday!
Trust me! I suffering a lot but i really want more in my life! I want someone complete ! I want a new life with everything clear, nothing dark and durty! There are so many girls who would take him not divorced and who has stomach to hear about what his ex did or she didnt do this time! I dont! I dont wanna be in another couple story, i have the right to make my own story with someone who really wants the same! I am divorced and i will find a strong man who is as strong as me!
For now, i am crying, but i have hope! I really do!
blkGrlMagic says
OneWhoHasBeenSeparatedFor3Years says
My ex and I have been separated for almost 4 years now. I wanted to point out that I am (it seems) part of of the minority of people: Not in love with my ex at all but have a mutual respect. We OFFICIALLY filed a year and a half ago with the courts kicking back our paperwork twice (3 month gaps in between). Then we had an incident with our child that made us pause CARING working on a document. My ex had a boyfriend who THOUGHT this meant we were getting back together. He actually sat down with me to talk and I put his mind to ease.
So, sometimes LIFE gets in the way of a piece of paper.
Elyse says
I’m currently the wife in the same scenario…separated for 4 years, still aren’t divorced. Here’s the curious part: I have no idea why my ex is dragging his heels on the divorce. He was the one who cheated, initiated the separation, moved in with his girlfriend, and they’re still together, happily enough, I guess.
I haven’t been motivated to push the divorce because he’s got a volatile temper, and frankly, I’m afraid of him. He gets very angry when he’s not in control, and so my best guess is he’s been slow to complete the divorce because he knows he’s in a shaky situation (he’s pushing for a 70/30 split, with him getting the 70%).
My point in posting is this: if you are dating a man (or woman) and it’s taking years to finalize the divorce…GET OUT! There is something very, very wrong.
Linda Thwaites says
Ken and I have been together now for almost 3 years , we’ve also got our own businesses as well as lost our daughter at birth in august of last year. My concern is that he has so many excuses as to why he hasn’t gotten a divorce yet and when I push about it , his answer is always ‘ he has no time or doesn’t know where to start or he needs to do this first or he doesn’t want to lose all his stuff. They were together for 30 years and have two sons in there 20’s who also don’t live at home. He also still pays those bills and he hasn’t lived there for 3 years. To me what he pays every month could’ve paid a lawyer already and finished this a long time ago. I love this man but I don’t know what I should do at this point. I just had his ex over for drinks because she was alone for Christmas. She followed him around in our home and referred to him as her husband saying I will sit beside my husband. So on our couch I sat at one end and ken at the other with his wife in the middle. Did he get up and move ? Nope ! Just sat there. Her hand on his leg every time she would make a remark. He acts like I’m the crazy one all the time and he can’t seem to see that what he does hurts me or has caused trust issues.
Anna says
My ex dragged his feet for a while on divorce as well. So I filed and that was that. The women he was leaving me for left him and went back to her ex XD
Donna J Bacala says
He’s a cake man and will never change. It’s very difficult watching a friend tolerate a cheating lying husband. He has been cheating and building another life with another woman. I know he has been playing both of them. When my friend confronted the other women for the 2nd time she ended the affair. He’s home now and still emotionally negligent to my friend and their child. His affair with this woman was going on for 6 years and they have a 7 yr old. He had not been a part of their lives this childs entire life. He still disappears on the weekends and refused to be a family man.
Beautiful says
Im the wife, my husband hit a midlife crisis. Its all ego & pride. Lack of affection & being the center of attention.
I thought for him, it was a ploy to make me jealous. Turned out they can drink and its like having another female lover who was turning out to prostitute herself. I think she is naaive but at the same time, i was allowing him to experience whether or not he could live like this. It hurt a lot. It made me see the dark side of him. Giving in to someone that is making a fool out of him. No one in his family or my family likes him or her for intentionally doing this. She manipulates and controls him. He is weak and naiive when it comes to women. He is being too easy with himself. He has issues. I felt it would not last long. I can see why he cant divorce me. I declared that i still love him. I tried talking to her to get her off my husband’s back. He told me he wanted to be successful with or without any of us. Yet, i see he is still holding on to me, my son. I am not completley letting go either. I pray. He looks likea jerk to everyone and got kicked out 3 times by his sister cause she thinks he is being gross and stupid. I do not want him to jeapardize my life, our home, our son, his future. I do not want my son or family resenting him. I need my husband to straighten up his act. He will never divorce me cause yes, he will lose everything. Bad karma already is happening.
Sally says
The question is NOT if he wants to or doesn’t want to get married again, the question in reality is WHY can he not just be honest about it either way? The way I see it is no matter what type of relationship he wants with any woman he needs to be honest, honesty goes a very long way! If he wants to be in a committed relationship and not be married…fine. If he wants to casually date, well that’s fine too, what’s not fine is the fact he says one thing and his actions clearly don’t line up. Actions speak louder than words. Why worry so much about why he won’t move the process along but rather why won’t he be honest. If he isn’t honest now he never will be. Is that how you want to live???
Cat says
Somehow I can’t tell how old this all is…
But this was the most helpful post and set of comments to help me to finally break up with my boyfriend of a year.
We were just friends, great friends, at first, and the moment we started being a couple my boyfriend Finally started seeing a lawyer about divorcing his wife. He’d been separated two years already, saw the lawyer once but then didn’t do anything after that since his wife all along has been dragging her feet to help with the divorce. She still loves him and doesn’t want to let go. Doesn’t want to work. Has their 2 (now grown) kids to deal with.
And I understand the situation – I understand it’s been hard for him, I believe he never really loved her and stayed for the kids, I believe that he’s just afraid to lose all his money as she hasn’t made any (in fact she managed to get $40k in debt and didn’t bother to tell him!) in their years together. I know he loves me and wants me to be his “happy ending” and we talked of marriage and buying a house together. All I had to do was wait.
But he keeps… waiting. He wants the divorce to be “amicable” but the wife doesn’t do anything. She won’t fill out any paperwork or help him file. So he just reminds her and talks to her and then waits.
I keep saying, just go file, she can’t stop you from getting a divorce, and the 20 year mark is coming up and you best get it before then.
He gets angry because he’s the victim and doing the best he can and doesn’t want me to tell him what to do.
Yeah but… my life is hanging in the mix. Our relationship, our situation. He told me we’d move in together to a new place in June, and then by the end of the summer, and now… he said he doesn’t know when. And I finally said then, I need to take some time away, because I can’t just keep waiting.
And thank you to this thread for making me see that.. it’s just too much of a risk, waiting like that. On someone who can’t even commit to me, not really. I believe we love each other equally but I want a life together, not just an online relationship while I “wait” for him to finish what he should have and could have done a year ago. I know it’s hard, honestly I’ve been divorced twice, but I just got it over with, because it’s best in order to move on with your life.
I just hope this guy will be okay. I hope we can be friends and talk. And I wonder if there’s a chance it will end up working out. We’ll see if he ever does get that divorce he started 3 years ago.
Kalendra says
(Jan 2020): I would like to thank everyone who posted here – this post and all the comments were so valuable for me to read and also heart-wrenching as I understand and can relate to the pain so many of you are feeling.
Yesterday I dumped my married (aka separating-as-slow-as-molasses) boyfriend after four months of empty promises. Same old story – marriage over 10 years ago, sleeping on couch for 3 years, started talking separating 6 months ago, he moved out 2 months ago to a rented room but never sleeps at his new place, still returns to the couch/home. Guilty about leaving his kids, wife freaking out in denial and/or rage.
I’ve never loved someone so much, but I’ve also never been in so much pain. This past week he disappointed me five times – mostly cancellations to run back to her and deal with her drama or save the kids from her rage (she was threatening to throw his stuff on the lawn or his kids are acting out skipping school etc.) but also cancelling on my friends’ invitations for dinner which shows I’m not a priority.
Ultimately, despite all the promises, he’s not a man of action and not doing enough to actually separate. It’s a turnoff for me that he has no courage and conviction, and I think he’s also lazy and selfish which is why he doesn’t pull the trigger and make any forward progress to his new life. I’m so, so very sad and angry. But I have kept a diary and see the cycle of hope/love and disappointment/hurt that I’m stuck in which gives me perspective as when I see him, I’m so totally in love with him I can’t imagine leaving him. He’s like a drug to me.
Two weeks ago I wasn’t feeling connected to him as he wasn’t making any time for me and made the very hard decision to take a big job on the other side of Canada in a month’s time, leaving everything and this city behind after 15 years. I honestly think it’s so difficult to leave this situation that this job might be a god send, and ensure this torturous relationship ends once and for all.
My thoughts go out to everyone who is in this incredible pain of waiting for a man they love who doesn’t put them or their future first. May you have the strength to leave and find a more reciprocal love. I had no idea how hard this would be, and I will certainly stay far, far away from ‘separating/divorcing’ men in the future. Life’s too short.
Michelle says
I am in the same boat been with a married man for three years he says he’s in love with me and expects the sex meals washing done etc he tells me he wants to get a divorce so he can marry me then why am I the only one doing it? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard him say yes I’m going to do it ? ; Going on four years and he is still married
Michelleb says
I am in the same boat been with a married man for three years he says he’s in love with me and expects the sex meals washing done etc he tells me he wants to get a divorce so he can marry me then why am I the only one doing it? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard him say yes I’m going to do it ? ; Going on four years and he is still married
Beej says
He doesn’t want to get a divorce.He wants to stay married and have you on the side.Move on with a single man
Don says
What a load of gobbly gook you woman write on this forum……… the difference is a dam bit of paper !! That’s all !! You are messing with people’s emotions the way you judge everyone that writes here…… and without doubt in my mind every one of you has their own challenges in their current or former relationship!? Whats the difference,,,,,,,, single/divorced/separated ? ( we know, a piece of paper ) my point is…… it’s what’s in your heart ❤️ !! It’s where your feelings not reasons can make you decide whether you Love that one person and want to stay forever with them……
Love is not always perfect….. it is not a fairytale or storybook ! Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, transcending sarcasm from people like you guys…… most of all, you need to hold on and never let go !! Let’s face it…… what we all want is “ a life full of happy moments, happy feelings, laughter and smiles………. “ With the person you choose !!! Despite what others may think……….. end off.
Jamie Burris says
I really feel for Caitlin. There is never an easy answer to any of life’s hard questions, and this is definitely one of those times. I myself am living it now. I met the man of my dreams 2 and a half years ago, we started our relationship out very slowly, as I knew he was still married but very much separated (lived in another state). At first, he didn’t have a penny to spend on a divorce, then once he got more established, I asked when he might be filing. He said he’s done all his paperwork, which I’ve seen and he has, but that his ex won’t do her part. Not required in Missouri, but ok, whatever. Then a few more months go by, I ask again, what’s the hold up? He then finally admits that there was a time in their relationship where they were both physically abusive to the other, and he’s afraid she’ll hang it over him in court, even though they agree on everything custody and financially. Ok, well that’s moot point, she has already moved on herself with a live in boyfriend, so I doubt she’s going to sabotage the divorce itself. So I’ve asked just again a week or so ago, and its now he’s worried about filing in her state and living 5 hours away, and being able to make it to court, so he’ll have to hire a lawyer that he claims he still can’t afford.
Now we live together, I know how much he makes and how much he gives her monthly for child support, and he can afford an attorney on a payment plan. I think he is just going to forever keep giving excuses, and I feel like it might be my fault, a little. When we first met, I told him that I was not interested in marriage, I had done it once a long time ago and it just didn’t seem that important to me. Fast forward 2 years, and I can’t imagine life without him or his kids…. I do want to marry him, I do want his divorce final asap, and I don’t want to scare him away!!! UGH LIFE!
Hermanc Lewis says
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Stephanie says
I have waited 18 months on the guy I’m heart broken over now to divorce his wife.. Whom she’s a cheater n he hates get..Lol
I called court house n for 160 bucks he can fill it out n in 60 days.. Marry Me the girl he “lives” lmao he lives that I take care of him n even at his lowest I’ll still be here. I made 2 wedding dates invited my family and my dress hangs in my daughter’s closet.. That really hurt to write that just know.. What’s so wrong with me that this continues in all my relationships now. How can he look me in the eye n lie.. Especially after his he saw me hurt from my ex!
Marge says
You know how men are! He is telling her one thing and you another. The “psycho” partner is always the one with the great sex drive. He likes his relationship with you but he doesn’t want to fully leave her. He’s not ready to get married again and not getting a divorce is the way he keeps from a full commitment with you. If you can remain happy the way things are and don’t need more, then it will be okay with him. What you will basically be is a sister-wife like on t.v. just you don’t have to live in the same house with her. Been there done all that. I had a boyfriend who was a joy but never divorced his wife. She died and I took care of him until he died. Then I am seeing my legal husband sometimes. Been separated 16 years. The man is a control freak and wouldn’t let me take my son with me when I left. You just don’t know what he’s put us thru. But when I close my eyes he is still that handsome young man I married years ago. Gotta stay away from those guys who wear black leather jackets!