Guys Who Call Too Much Or Guys Who Don’t Call Enough?


The biggest turn-off that women have in dating is the guy who calls too much.

You know him. He met you and was instantly smitten. He tells you how beautiful you are five times per conversation. He starts talking about how amazing you are even though he barely knows you. He texts, emails or calls a dozen times a day. He acts like you have a future together although you’re pretty sure you don’t know his middle name.

And strangely, despite all this attention – BECAUSE of all this attention – you are immediately turned off. The new guy is a shameless puppy dog, eager for your affection, desperate to win you over to feel as strongly as he does.

It never works. It’s too easy. It’s too lame. It’s too…something. But the eager guy never earns your respect. All because he was TOO excited about you.

Contrast that with the man who YOU’VE got a crush on. You have incredible chemistry with him, but you have no idea where you stand. He tells you that you’re beautiful…when he’s not dating other women. He sends you text messages…once a week when he wants you to come over. He treats you amazingly…or at least he did the last time you saw him. He gives no indication that he wants a future with you, and little indication that he even wants a present with you.

And you’re completely ga-ga for him.

What’s wrong with this picture?

The very qualities that are the MOST indicative of the potential to build a life together – consistency and dedication – are the ones that you value LEAST.

I ain’t blaming you; as a dating coach, I’m just pointing out what may not obvious.

What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters – if you want a healthy relationship – is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to be attracted to the stalker-guy. I’m not advocating that you remove the restraining order.

What I am saying is that you should stop giving a free pass to every cute guy who doesn’t call in a timely fashion…and start valuing the very guys who make you feel special.

Clearly, it’s easier said than done.

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  1. 1

    A happy medium, that’s all we ask. I’ve dealt with both ends of the spectrum but never the middle ground. I’ve had two experiences when the guys were in love within 2-3 weeks of nothing but phone calls and e-mails, not yet meeting, and not really even knowing me. I’ve had the flip side where they start to pull away, send mixed signals, or become ambivalent, and it made me anxious, and no matter how hard I tried to stifle that I’m sure the vibe was there. Not that it made any difference either way because these guys were not going to commit to anyone. The whole thing, be it Mr. Desperate or Mr. Could Care Less is exhausting.

    1. 1.1

      Exactly. When I finally decided I should become exclusive with my BF was when I realized that he was the increasingly rare happy medium. He brought me a rose on Valentine’s Day; in my previous experiences, the only guys that did something like that were ones who the very thought of made me cringe. Guys I actually felt attracted to never showed such signs of serious interest.
      I don’t disagree that radical feminism is contributing to so many men becoming one extreme or the other: Mr. Could Care Less, or Mr. Desperate. I honestly couldn’t blame them, though.

      1. 1.1.1

        That’s an interesting theory, Janie. All I know is this dance has gotten very boring. I’ve sort of let loose the Mr. Could Care Lesses. They were fun on those individual dates of EMK suggested above, but boy has that just gotten old and boring. I can look at a hot guy on my   TV screen instead and save the grief. As for the Mr. Desperate…That I am getting high volume lately. He’s always been there off and on. I guess maybe Mr. Care Less didn’t have me paying him much mind, but Mr. Happy Medium…has been a tough one to find. I think perhaps I’ve found someone who fits the bill, but we will see. lol

  2. 2

    BTW Evan, I see you’ve been “reading my mail” again.

  3. 3
    Deanna McNeil

    I love this post. What practical advice. I don’t get it either why I let my feelings run away with me but the more I learn to keep them under control and pay attention to what is really going on around me, the happier I have become over the years with the quality of my relationships.

  4. 4

    This really begins not with valuing the guys who make you feel special, but with valuing yourself first. If you value yourself first, you won’t find yourself in this type of “You’re really great, but I’m going to do what I want when I want because I know you’ll still be hanging around for me when I’m ready” situation. Women need to be emotionally and independently healthy and strong, yet with an open heart and mind.

    But I know what you’re saying, Evan. It’s all good.

  5. 5

    I met a guy on the beach once. We started talking. We went to have a beer. I gave him my phone number. He turned out to be the guy in example 1. He would call repeatedly. Long conversations, mostly of him going on and on. He made all these plans of things we were going to do in the future (horseback riding??!, etc.). Talked to me like I was “Instagirlfriend”. After 45 min. on the phone with him I was afraid to stay on any longer for fear he was going to tell me the names he had picked out for our future kids.

    When I stopped answering the phone every time, he started calling every half an hour. All day long. In one call I did answer he told me he had been riding up and down the streets near the beach where we met hoping to see me. !!!! My apt. was 3 blocks up from that spot. Thank God I wasn’t outside. If he knew where I lived he would have been at my door all the time.

    This guy CREEPED ME OUT. He was waaay too much too soon. We hadn’t even had an official first date. He didn’t even know my last name. To me, this is a completely different animal than a “nice guy” showing attention and interest. This type of behavior borders on the pathological if indeed it hasn’t already jumped over the line with both feet.

    I’ve also met example 2 before. After allowing myself to be “strung along” for awhile by a couple of these guys when I was younger, I learned. If someone only wants to spend time with me once a week or less, all they want is a casual relationship. Fine if that happens to be what I want too. If not? Don’t waste time hoping it will develop into something more. Someone who is JNTIY early on is never going to be that into you.

    Most men I’ve met over the decades haven’t fallen to these extremes. There is balance in life thankfully.

    1. 5.1

      Hmmmmm I feel sorry for the guy you met at the beach but I think he’s genuine cuz am also a guy and I know how it feels like to love someone you don’t wanna lose..

      1. 5.1.1

        Ben, I think it’s time you left Selena alone! 🙂

  6. 6

    I think the key is for women not to FALL for these guys (or girls, if the situation is reversed)…. if women can see it as just “having fun” and they’re ok with that, great. But for women who want relationships, these guys (the ambivalent ones) are dangerous. I think most women do end up realizing this but it can be a long, painful, lonely road. To think that the guy that texts for a booty call every once in a while, seems to forget for weeks on end that you even exist, and doesn’t make sure you know where you stand with him is or ever will be anything more than a physical thing is just delusional.

  7. 7

    Hmmm… interesting that this post is directed at women and how they need to stop bending over backwards for the guy who never calls. Why not a post for guys on how to make the appropriate amount of contact with a woman they’re interested in? (Perhaps you’ve done that–I didn’t do through the archives.)

    I know, I know, most men won’t bother reading (or heeding) dating advice, it’s a woman’s genre, etc.

    Sad. It seems most of the time all we can do is learn how to react to bad behavior.

  8. 8

    @ 3 & 4,

    That really is the trick, as in so many other areas of life; not to be ruled by our emotions. Emotions are not wrong, but they are not facts. We need to listen to our hearts but also be guided by wisdom. While we do want an open mind and open heart, we need to maintain enough objectivity to make a good choice. And really, alot of what wisdom is, is making a choice today that you’ll be happy with well into the future.

    1. 8.1

      Best advice ever. YES! It’s an art to learn to step back from ourselves and our emotions and to be able to see things from a different perspective, from something more based on logic, reason and reality. You are right – emotions are not wrong. We should try to learn to recognize behavior like this – if we are the ones doing it – try to understand what is happening – and also like you said, follow your heart but still have your feet on solid ground.

  9. 9
    Karl R

    When corresponding, I generally try to respond within 24 hours. I can generally find the time. It tends to limit correspondence to once (at most twice) a day. And it doesn’t set any unreasonable expectations for the future (i.e. that she’ll always hear from me within the hour).

    It’s a happy medium.

  10. 10

    You know Evan, you gave similar advice in a prior post…something along the lines of “if he’s not making plans to see you again, then the behavior on the ACTUAL DATE means nothing.”

    I want to say thank you for this information! After reading several of your posts, I have been able to regain control over myself in regards to a certain FWB I’ve had for the past four years. The “relationship” is going nowhere, I’ve stopped getting the benefits part of the deal, and he’s turning into the guy-who-barely-calls…so now I barely call…it will dwindle off, and because of your posts, I feel strong enough to let him disappear.

    I think it’s a cruel trick of nature that allows men to control the way in which the relationship does or does not progress. Women decide IF he gets the time of day…the men spend the rest of the “relationship” dicking around with their latest conquest. Is there a way for women to be in control? …I’m going to be working on that because I’m tired of “you guys” always winning.

    1badgirl´s last blog post…9 Bitch-ass-n*%^^a My Battle with Somtimey Dick

  11. 12

    The reason i don’t like guys that seem to like me too much too soon is because they don’t know me, so what do they really like? The picture of me they’ve got in their mind. And if they get to know me more and i’m not quite like the picture they’ve dreamed up, then they are gonna be disappointed. I don’t care to be up on imaginary pedastals- the fall is always real.

    A guy that shows good initial interest and likes me more and more as he learns more about me- that’s a good bet.

    And I agree with Diana #4- the better your relationship with yourself is, the more unlikely it is you would actually fall for booty call/once a week text guy.

    1. 12.1

      I definitely agree with this. The imaginary pedestal is a turn off. I was dating one guy for about three months who could never get me off of it. I don’t know if there would have been a fall in his eyes, but he never wanted to see the real me. I could do no wrong, but at the same time he was a little misogynistic when it came to women in general. I think it was an objectification thing. I was happy he enjoyed me, but he hardly listened to what I was saying or wanted to know who I was. It was weird.

  12. 13

    Cilla May 29th 2009 at 06:04 am 7
    I know, I know, most men won’t bother reading (or heeding) dating advice, it’s a woman’s genre, etc.

    I think the success of the book “The Game”, the success of that movie “The Tao Of Steve” and an explosion of PUA sites belie that belief.

    Maybe it is an issue of how to package the content for the market and not a matter of the existence of a market.

    Personally, I hate the way advice is packaged in the PUA genre. I think 98% of it is ordinary time honored non-objectionable advice wrapped in arrested adolescent locker room talk.

    It would be great to get the same issues discussed in a way that fits men who are grown ups and who aren’t scared/completely ignorant of women.

  13. 14

    @1badgirl, #10:

    The mere fact that we women decide “IF he gets the time of day” is exactly what puts us in the driver’s seat in relationships. “Men gather and women choose.” We have little control over who gathers (they need to be attracted to us, we need to be their “type”); but from that point on, you betcha it’s up to us how (and indeed, if) the relationship goes.

    The single biggest thing that will give you control over how your relationships progress is having self-esteem when it comes to men, and being willing to walk away if you are mistreated or taken for granted, or are unhappy/unfulfilled for whatever reason. It’s similar to a business negotiation: the people who are willing to say no and walk away from a deal that is unfavorable to them are the ones who invariably are more highly valued by employers. Because they know their value (realistically, not narcissistically) in the marketplace.

  14. 15

    Find the right balance, be energetic and positive, don’t flood or smother, keep flirting, keep your cool. The guy who is a gushy, smothery puppy dog is NOT a good partner because he’s the guy who turns into a suicidal stalker after you dump him, and he’s going to get dumped at some point. If the guy likes you and he’s mature, he’ll make the right moves.

    Lance´s last blog post…I Grabbed Some Chick’s Ass On Memorial Day

    1. 15.1

      I agree. Sometimes we don’t know this when first getting to know the person. he may seem cool, calm and independent. But, it’s as though something snaps or changes in him – and he’s gone over the deep end – he likes me or the fantasy of me or something ….and you are correct – then he goes nuts when he gets dumped. This scares me so much. I just recently opened myself up to dating after not for years and went on two-three dates with a guy who is exactly like this. He really did seem non-clingy, super busy, super independent – but once he liked me – he LIKED Me and now doesn’t want to let go. I should have noticed the red flags…should have had better boundaries. I ended it..which should seriously be no big deal after three dates – but I am literally afraid of him now> He said he understood – yet he already messaged me a bunch of times! God protect me please!

      1. 15.1.1

        This happened to me last month. The guy kept calling and texting non-stop for about two weeks, but he went away finally. Hopefully, he’ll be like this and lay off — or already has! I have another one that hasn’t gone away for years, but it’s like every few months. He’s harmless. I don’t get it though. But whatever.

  15. 16

    Also, @Steve, have to disagree about the PUA material. Some of it sucks but a lot of it is cutting edge material on attraction art and science. You can’t find that stuff anywhere else.

    Lance´s last blog post…I Grabbed Some Chick’s Ass On Memorial Day

  16. 17

    To 1badgirl and others that commented about self-esteem, that’s why it’s so important to have a mental checklist (I’m not referring to physical traits) of what you will and will not tolerate in terms of treatment BEFORE it gets to the point where you are emotionally invested and sucked into the drama. After getting burned a few times by these types of guys and realizing that they never *truly* cared about me the way my family and friends do, I was able to see things clearly and let go of these unhealthy situations. Evan said he’s “just pointing out the obvious” but it ain’t so obvious when your emotions are involved…. this is a message that many men and women need to hear so thanks EMK!!!!

  17. 18

    oops, I guess Evan said “what may not be obvious”…. but you guys catch my drift. 🙂

  18. 19

    I’ve also had guys who called all the time in the beginning, who thought I was the greatest, and then flaked out a a few weeks or months down the road. These were men I’ve also liked, and I would feel like as soon as they felt they’d won me over, they’d freak out and back away. Personally, it doesn’t bother me if a guy I like calls or emails me a lot (well, maybe not a dozen times a day!), as long as he’s stable and sincere. Unfortunately, those qualities haven’t been all that easy to find! Now, I take any attention with a grain of salt and see if it can stand the test of time.

  19. 20

    @ Evan

    Thanks for the link–I had a feeling you must have addressed this at some point. Still sad that 75% of your readers are women, since we are already so much more enlightened. 😉

    @ Steve

    I not only dislike the delivery in the PUA genre, I dislike the content, as well. It’s gone so far beyond giving regular guys a boost of confidence or counsel on approaching women. What used to be “time honored non-objectionable advice” has become a mean game, where men are taught techniques like “negging.” Then women respond with books like “Why Men Love Bitches,” and the war continues. What we need is a round table of professionals in the field to sit down together and come to some consensus, just as scientists do, rather than sniping at each other or countering each other’s advice with even more contentious suggestions.

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