How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?

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I have a question that I don’t think you’ve been asked before! I’m a slim and attractive, successful black woman who only dates Caucasian men – but I can’t get one to commit! It’s so frustrating, I seem to be a curiosity. They all say, “I’ve never been out with a black women before” as if all my bits are going to be different to any other woman on this planet. If I’m lucky, they’ll date me briefly, but it’s purely about the sex! (I haven’t had many sexual partners. I’m 36 and have slept with under 10.) I’m extremely fussy who I “put out” for. I’m on two dating sites: eHarmony and Match Affinity – both USELESS. I don’t find most men on them attractive and, of the ones that I do, they don’t like me! Anyway, I’ve just read your newsletter. You must be a mind reader as yesterday I was thinking of closing both accounts!

So here’s my question: men clearly find me attractive, but how do I get a Caucasian man to commit? My sister gets men to commit but you wanna see the state of them – I have higher standards! I’ve spoken to my guy friends (all Caucasian) and their feedback is: it’s rare that they meet black women (let alone attractive ones) and while they’d date one, they would never settle down and have children! Is this because most people picture their future from an early age and mixing it up doesn’t quite sit right? I’m so sick of the “you’re really attractive, why are you single” comments because I don’t KNOW why I’m single. Even the men I have dated think I’m great – so why am I not great enough to settle down with??? In the UK, Caucasian women have no problems dating black men. It’s not uncommon to see this type of couple – however, flip the coin and you’re in a different realm. The only men I attract are the ones I don’t fancy or have a different agenda to me! So I realise that in this ever decreasing dating pool, my numbers are even smaller than most women as I don’t and won’t date within my race. I just don’t find black men attractive! So what to do – am I living in a dream world and need to maybe just get into my head that I’m meant to be single? Thanks, from a rather frustrated and almost desperate Jae!

Dear Jae,

Yes. You’re living in a dream world.

To understand why, I need to pick apart your letter, line by line, and hold a mirror up to you, so you can see what I see.

You can’t MAKE anyone do anything.

First of all, your question, “How do I get a Caucasian man to commit?” sounds as silly to me as, “How do I get a black woman to commit?”

You’re a black woman, Jae. How would you answer that question if I told you that my black girlfriends always dump me?

If you were smart, you’d tell me one of these three things:

1. You can’t MAKE anyone do anything, Evan. Therefore, any question like “How do I make Jae love me? How do I make her want to change her behavior?” is pointless.

2. If black women are attracted to Jewish men but don’t want to marry us, there’s not much I can do about it, is there? No more than some guitarist can complain that women are attracted to him but don’t want to marry a 40-year-old guy who plays for tips in the subway. It may not be fair, but it’s reality. So if a black woman doesn’t see herself having mixed race Jewish kids, you’re probably not going to be a good fit for her life, Evan –   even if you’re both nice, attractive people. That’s life.

3. There’s no difference between black women and other women, Evan. They’re just “women”. So the question remains: why would any woman dump you?

That leads us to the next part of today’s tough love post: “Why would any man dump you, Jae?” (Note to other readers: this a good thing for you to contemplate, too, since humility and self-awareness are the keys to any long-term relationship.)

From your email, I’ve learned a few things:

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you.

You have a big ego.

You don’t find most men attractive.

You won’t date within your own race.

You look down on the commitment-oriented white men who fall for your sister since they’re beneath your standards.

Do I even need to say anything else as to why you’re still single?

No, I do not.

If you want to find love, just undo everything I restated above.

Get over yourself. You may be attractive and successful, but quality men care more about your kindness and character and humor than how much you make.

Learn to give men a chance, even if they’re not your type. After all, don’t you want a bunch of Caucasian men to give YOU a chance even if you’re not THEIR type?

Open up to black men, since that’s the most obvious pool of candidates who’d be interested in you.

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you. They’re better long-term relationship bets than the white men who are using you for exotic sex, don’t you think?

I appreciate your frustration and thank you for your letter, but you’re completely focused on things you can’t change (white men!) instead of the only thing you CAN change (your perceptions, actions and reactions.)

Join our conversation (151 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 21
    Marc

    Jae,
    Walk over to the closest mirror, take a good look at yourself and say, “I am not a victim of the world I see.” Repeat as necessary.

    1. 21.1
      Sydney

      @Marc
      I love this mantra! After reading Jae’s post I believe Jae is being honest about what her personal dating experiences have been like. Also, I agree with most of what Evan said EXCEPT: Open up to black men, since that’s the most obvious pool of candidates who’d be interested in you. This statement is not factual and it also reiterates what Jae was saying about white men only wanting her for sex. The truth is as a black woman myself, I have been where Jae is. I have met black men who will not date black women because of the negative stereotypes associated with us: loud, overweight, uneducated not attractive. I have met white men who see black women  as a sexual exhibition but not “wifey” material. And I have met black women who refuse to date black men because of all the negative stereotypes associated with them: drug dealers, always in jail, uneducated, having multiple children with multiple women. The point is that these stereotypes are degrading, misleading and just plain wrong most of the time. Nevertheless, many people believe  these stereotypes and choose to date or pick their mate based off of them. That is why I like @Marc’s advice so much, and I think that is the best advice Jae can take away from this. No matter what type of man    you have dated in the past, no matter what your age is and what you do or what you look like, you will find love. Don’t be a victim, just keep the faith. Yes, I believe Jae needs to deal with the real reason on why she refuses to date black men. I do not buy    “I am just not attracted to them!” I am a black woman who has been attracted to black men, white men, indian men, native american men, middle eastern men, spanish men and asian men. My only preference is height (I like a tall man), build (I like a man with muscles), expressive eyes,  and facial hair! You can find these physical features in any culture! When you start saying you won’t  date a person because of the color of their skin,   it is usually because of some ridiculous stereotype you have heard! “White men have small packages” or “Middle Eastern men abuse their women”. Once again, these are not factual statements, but are ignorant biases that give a person a narrow view of the world and depletes their dating pool. Jae right now you are playing the victim, and your negative views of yourself and other people are bringing the wrong people in your life. Change your mindset honey, truly learn to love yourself and the right man will come!  

  2. 22
    Sarah

    This reminds me of my situation in my previous relationship: I was living with a Chinese man.   A lot of people kept asking me “how can you be with a Chinese?” or “Why did you chose a Chinese?”.
    I’ve never understood either questions.   I didn’t chose Chinese, I chose HIM.   Not because he’s Chinese or not, but because I loved HIM.
    I totally agree with Evan, race has absolutely nothing, but nothing to do with it.   And if for the other party it has, then forget about him, he’s not worth it.
    I must admit though that I don’t understand this desire to date only white men.   As said above, people are people no matter what race…

  3. 23
    Amora

    I read many good ideas for Jae here. She should try them all & see what might work best for her.

    I have family in the UK,  Switzerland, & also in France. I did not notice a high degree of interacial couples in either of these 3 countries. If you look at the big picture, of each country , say like 100% population, then most married couples in all 3 countires, looked like they were the same race. When you shop & eat out, you see all people or every race, & it looks like most races in these 3 countries were of the same races.

    I take lots of pics when I go out shopping too (just for pleasure), in the random pics there are all kinds of people, but most of families & couples look like the same race.

    For myself, I like a different flavor, so I married a different race, because that is what we “both” wanted to do.  

    Jae, just keep your eyes & your options open. Your “Prince” will come. You may have to see lots of ugly frogs along the way, but eventually, over time, your true “Prince” will come.

    I agree with Andrea #17 commit, you might have to look beyond “Tall” & “Long Rocker-Hair” to get your Prince. He may be a short & balding Prince (they come in all shapes & sizes you know) lol

  4. 24
    Andrea

    Ruby #20
    I’m not sure I understand your point about why it might make sense for Jae as a white women to prefer black men but not the other way around.
    It sounds as if you are under the impression that the variation in appearance doesn’t exist in black men.   A black man could have light skin, light eyes, light hair, etc. or he could be extremely dark, or somewhere in between. Too often, people assume that they know someone’s genotype because of their phenotype, which isn’t true, and it’s what leads people to make too many assumptions about what a “black” person looks like.
    This is about race and not phenotype, b/c even it’s a rare, if you said you wanted a red-headed or blond-haired black man, or a black man with green eyes, you could definitely find that (the eyes actually aren’t that rare).
    I can’t speak for Jae, but I wonder if she’s associating the worst stereotypes concerning black men with ALL black men, and is therefore avoiding them all together.
    If she does chime in, I’d suggest that she try an interracial dating site. She’d have to sift through people with fetishes and people with real interest, but at least she’d know that the men there were actually looking for black women.
    As someone who isn’t an “outsider” to Jae’s situation, my take on it is that it’s not that she wants a white guy whether he’s good or not.   My guess (as another black woman) is that she wants a white guy b/c she’s convinced that they are collectively better.   And depending on what her needs and wants are, they probably are “better.”   A higher percent will have college degrees for example.   However, it is silly for her to discard ALL black men for the failures or limitations of some.   To understand the root of her desire, you’d have to know what she was willing to tolerate simply for the sake of being with a white man.   Could he be less educated?   It doesn’t sound like she wants him to be less attractive. That leads me to think that she might want an educated professional, and is choosing white men because there are more of them that fit that profile. Will she accept “less” from a man simple because he is white? We don’t know.
    It’s a slippery slope, and without more info, it’s hard to know if she’s making sweeping generalizations about the black men she meets and is   just throwing out the baby with the bathwater, whether she’s rejecting them preemptively, or if she has issues of self-loathing (yes, some people want to marry non-black people to have children who have a different phenotype).
    I do think that she needs to realize that if she’s attempting to date across racial lines, her value does take a hit even if she’s a very attractive woman-also, we kind of all know that education and professional success don’t get women nearly as much as they get men in the dating world.
    In case anyone is interested, do a sort of black women and black men on the basis of just education and you’ll see the kinds of differences that exist. Also, check out who the black men are looking for.   Several exclude black women, and few ONLY consider black women.   But the fact that a lot of non-black men include everyone except black women makes me think that Jae is limiting herself too much by just looking at white men.   She has to cast a wider net.

  5. 25
    Hot Alpha Female

    Evan, I’m so glad that you posted this question and you answered it how you did. I think the fundamental issue here is not about the colour or race of the men that Jae is interested in, rather it is her opinion and interaction with men.
    I believe Jae needs to open herself up again to men of all sorts. Go on dates with them, enjoy their company and don’t discredit men so quickly. All this list building, keeps Jae safe. It keeps her from really having a man.
    So she needs to also look at the reasons why she feels she needs to protect herself. Is it because she actually doesn’t want to get hurt. Maybe its a particular belief about men.
    She has to focus on the root of the problem (her inability to trust me) rather than the symptom (can’t get them to commit).
      
    Hot Alpha Female

  6. 26
    Vicki

    Jae
      
    All i have to say is:- when you don’t like yourself or even love all of the parts of yourself (your heritage) why on earth would any man of any race want to commit to that.   Isn’t a successful relationship about two healthy, whole, individuals coming together not one broken piece trying to be healed by another – just a thought….
      

  7. 27
    JerseyGirl

    Her dating issues sound like issues women of all races and cultures face. Since she primarily dates whilte men, that’s where her experience lies. Although it’s curious that she doesn’t date any black men. However, I am a white woman who, while I’ve dated a limited few men outside my race, am primarily attracted to other white men. Does that make me a bigot? I don’t think so. Anymore then it makes Jae one for not dating men of her own race. She might not be comfortable with her own hertiage. But the fact that she doesn’t date men of her hertitage isn’t proof of that alone.

  8. 28
    Ruby

    Andrea #24

    My point was that it doesn’t sound like Jae has a particular physical type that she prefers, just that the most important thing is that the man is Caucasian. She doesn’t really explain her lack of attraction to non-Caucasians, so I wondered. My questions are similar to the ones you raise.

  9. 29
    Bill

    Attraction is not a choice. It seems most of the  commenter’s  are suggesting Jae should look at other races besides whites.
    She is attracted to white men lets work with that. The white men she is attracted to probably have rejected a lot of other white women too. At the end of the day she is working to find a white guy she finds desirable that would commit to her.
    Realistically we are talking about leagues again. She is also at a age range where men have more power vs women. All the men who want to be in relationships are probably taken and etc.
    Realistically if she wants a white man to commit to her she would have to compromise like her sister. It is the sad reality you can’t change reality. You can only change your expectations.

    1. 29.1
      Joseph

      Attraction is definitely a choice.

  10. 30
    Flower

    She has a racial fetish, many do. Asian women date heavily outside of their race and have no problem finding a mate. Many Black American men have a racial fetish, too and have no problem finding a mate.
    I think that Rae should cast her net, join more intterracial dating sites and maybe purchase Evan’s book Why Men Disappear. Bone up on the subject of IR dating.
    Google and visit some Black Women Empowerment blogs, there she will find support for her wish to date WM.
    Personally I think Rae should keeping being chosy, keep her fetish, that’s her choice. Go to where the WM are join clubs go out dancing and join as many dating sites as you can.
    Market yourself! But … bone up on Evan’s dating tips.
    I for one and maybe I’m the only one but I think she is going to find the perfect WM as soon as she changes how she dates.

    1. 30.1
      Krystal

      I agree with this.   Nothing wrong with loving men outside your race at all.   You can’t control who you are attracted too. It’s not worth dating a race you are not attracted too just to get a man. You will not be happy at all. I think it’s how she comes off to men is what’s the problem. She should join interracial dating sites and go out in the real world to join organizations and events where she increases her chances of finding the white man she wants.   Me, I am a black woman and I love Asian men. I joined events, clubs, groups,   brushed up on my Japanese and found my Asian prince and made some friends along the way. Also, I dressed up nice, wasn’t arrogant, but perky and fun! Market yourself and listen to Evan’s dating tips.  

      1. 30.1.1
        Joseph

        We can’t control who we are attracted to? That makes no sense

  11. 31
    Z

    I agree with Bill and Flower, I think that’s good advice.

  12. 32
    Flower

    Thank you Z. I was puzzled reading some of the other responses. But as a fellow Black female who IR dates -I’m African American, slim and attractive, too, I can relate to Rae.
    Oh and I was married to a BM. Would date one if my ‘type’ was around but my ‘type’ of BM is far and few between in my Northern California neck of the words so it’s WM.
    Rae, Define the sort of WM you want and accept nothing less. Have a list of non-negotiables. Reject the ones who appear to treat you as a sex object. Stay busy with your full life. Get the word out! Keep dating! If you are as hot as you say you are, soon and very soon, you will have the man of your dreams.
    As they say in certain hoods “don’t let haters keep you off your grind” -why should you date a BM just cause you’re the same race? makes no sense to me. BW are expected to be emotional mules hoping and praying for that one perfect BM.

  13. 33
    Karl R

    Bill said: (#29)
    “Attraction is not a choice. […] She is attracted to white men”

    First, Jae stated that she only dates white men. She didn’t say that  whites were the only men she found attractive. She also said that she didn’t find most men on eHarmony and Match.com attractive (again, without specifying race).

    Second, we might not be able to choose who we are attracted to, but we can certainly influence it over time. You probably won’t be able to convince yourself that repulsive people are attractive, but it’s quite possible to broaden your view of which people are attractive … if you put your mind to it.

    Jae seems to be expending a lot of extra effort to find a white man for a committed relationship, even though there’s nothing that indicates that the color of his skin will make her happier or the relationship more successful in the long run.

  14. 34
    Bill

    “one perfect BM” LOL there is no such thing as perfection. If your over the age of 35 it is time to get real. Find someone you can connect with at a deep level. Your not a spring chicken anymore. Your list of requirements are pretty good if you want to be single. Yes I know you rather be single than be unhappy. At the end of the day your the one who is making yourself unhappy.

  15. 35
    Flower

    Bill of course you got my sarcasm.
      
    Karl, it doesn’t matter. She wants a WM, that’s her choice. Just cause she’s B doesn’t mean she has to date a BM. Many Asians ladies and BM make the extra effort to date outside their race even though there’s nothing that indicated that the color of their skin will make them happier or the relationship more successful in the long run.
    I am getting the vibe of … dare I say the R word …
    Anyway, Rae has not chimed in here.   Good luck, Rae. As Willow Smith sang “don’t let hater’s get you off your grind”, lastly I say, with effort and determination you will find the WM of your dreams.

  16. 36
    Laureni

    Evan’s answer was on target, but terribly depressing. I’m an attractive black woman and it took me a long time to finally accept the fact that race matters tremendously in the dating game and unfortunately, most men, particularly white men, would not want to marry a black woman.   Even if you are kind and nurturing. Even if you do everything right. I didn’t start to find love until I came to this sobering realization.
    In defense of the OP, I wouldn’t quickly dismiss her as being ego-inflated. White people who wish to date only outside of their race would not be judged so harshly. We all have egos when it comes to dating.   Those who have more power/leverage are forgiven for their egos. I know that Evan keeps reiterating that men are more about “feelings” and not looks, but it’s not really that simple. An egotistical hot, young white woman probably stands a better chance of snagging a tall, successful 36 year old white guy than the most nurturing black woman ever could. Humility is accepting that life isn’t fair.

  17. 37
    Karl R

    Flower,
    I see a huge difference between someone like you (who primarily dates members of one race due to circumstances) and someone like Jae (who will only date members of one race).

    If someone only dates members of one race, it raises the question of “Why?” While we don’t know Jae’s reason, I can think of several reasons … and “a fetish” is the least disturbing of the possibilities.

    I don’t want to date any woman who has chosen me because she has a fetish, because she sees me as a status symbol, because she believes I’m somehow “pure,” etc. I want to date women who are interested in me as a person … regardless of my skin color or hers.

    And I doubt I’m the only man (white or not) who feels this way. And if enough men feel the same way as I do, that could partially explain Jae’s lack of success.

    On a separte note, do you think Jae has better odds of finding that one perfect WM, than that one perfect BM?

  18. 38
    Z

    Karl R. said: “If someone only dates members of one race, it raises the question of “Why?” While we don’t know Jae’s reason, I can think of several reasons … and “a fetish” is the least disturbing of the possibilities.”
    Would you say the same thing if the situation were a BW who only dated BM?

  19. 39
    Andrea

    @Karl R, I totally think that wherever she lives Jae has a better shot at finding a “perfect” white guy over a “perfect” black guy.
    It might not be true perfection(in regards to the search for a “perfect” mate) so much as standing a higher chance of getting other criteria that she wants.
    I don’t think I have to extrapolate much to guess that education and a good career are probably must-haves for Jae.
    Based on Jae’s writing, I’m going to guess that she’s from the UK.   Not sure if she’s still there, but most people raised in the U.S. don’t refer to themselves as “fancying” anything.   So she might have the same issues that Flower has finding black men at all(and I live in N. Cal too).
    Look, maybe it’s not obvious to a lot of people who aren’t black women and maybe aren’t looking for black men, but if you are really well-educated and want someone who has formal education and no illegitimate kids,   way fewer black men will fit the bill.   And that is true whether you are in Idaho or Washington D.C. Dealing with men whose circumstances differ significantly from your own is just not something that women of other races have to deal with.
    That’s why I’m willing to cut her some slack about looking for a white man.   She might be a bit too blunt about it, and it sounds like she’s excluding black men, but it might be because her perception is that they lack some fundamental traits that she wants or needs.   I’m not interested in people with kids all over the place and who can’t write or spell either.   I think a lot of educated women aren’t.   It’s not even about money.
    I don’t think that a lot of white people in this country can really relate to that kind of imbalance.   As I’d said before, try filtering as if you were looking for an educated black man and compare that to the number of well-educated black women that you can find.   Those numbers are depressing and it can make you not want to bother looking at all. Add to that the fact that many of THOSE black men also don’t want to talk to black women anyway.
    What is hard is that Jae is trying to break into a dating pool that largely sees no value in her except as a sex toy.   As she said, some want to play around but not date her in any meaningful way.   Many white men will list every ethnicity except black as what they are looking for.   As was mentioned, (and I’ve seen in other threads), many Asian women will exclude Asian men.   I didn’t see/read anyone coming down so hard on them for having a fetish for white men.   And it does seem that women who have a fetish for black men are willing to commit to them.
    I’m not defending her choice 100%, but I’m not going to pretend that I don’t get where she’s coming from or ignore the fact that there is a BIG double standard as people judge her choice.
    And add me to the list that wouldn’t blame anyone for only dating members of their own race.   As I said though, Jae’s success might be as bad if not worse if she picked that strategy unless she was willing to give up a lot in terms of finding someone with a common background.
    Her best shots are really to focus on all races and if her criteria really is about education and career, to stick to that, and to use interracial dating sites.   There will be people with fetishes but there will just be regular white men who maybe don’t feel confident approaching black women (I’ve had white male friends say that they “don’t know what to say”) and I can truthfully say that lot of black women do shut the advances of non-black men out, so approaching someone online who is open and where you can play the numbers game can be the best approach.
    Even in the best case scenario, she’ll still have far fewer options than her white or Asian counterparts, so she is shooting herself in the foot here in my opinion.

  20. 40
    Karl R

    Z asked: (#38)
    “Would you say the same thing if the situation were a BW who only dated BM?”

    Of course.

    I would apply it to anyone who only dates members of one race. No exceptions.

    Andrea said: (#39)
    “As was mentioned, (and I’ve seen in other threads), many Asian women will exclude Asian men.   I didn’t see/read anyone coming down so hard on them for having a fetish for white men.”

    There’s a substantial number of asian women who seek white men, because they see those men as a status symbol. There’s a substantial number of white men who seek asian women, because they have have a fetish for Asians. Both groups are exercising poor selection criteria … but it’s not stopping them from finding a partner. They easily find an equally shallow partner, and they appear to be quite happy with that outcome.

    Since both groups are getting what they want, they’re not coming here seeking advice. I can’t speak for anyone else on this blog, but I don’t waste my time giving advice to people who aren’t interested in listening.

    Jae knows something isn’t working for her. She might not like my advice, but she’s in a better position to listen to it.

    Andrea said: (#39)
    “maybe it’s not obvious to a lot of people who aren’t black women and maybe aren’t looking for black men, but if you are really well-educated and want someone who has formal education and no illegitimate kids,  way fewer black men will fit the bill.”

    That’s an ugly stereotype, but there’s a bit of truth to it.

    But that ugly stereotype applies equally well to black women. So if I’m looking for a woman with a  formal education and no illegitimate kids, I could save time by ruling out every black woman.

    Of course, Jae and Flower and Laureni and every other black woman reading this blog is about to start screaming that the stereotype doesn’t apply to them. THEY are an exception to the stereotype.

    But Jae is ignoring the fact that there are black men who are also exceptions to the stereotype that you gave. She is more aware than many people that  some people  are exceptions to the general rule. She’s in a position to truly value  people who do look beyond the stereotype to see the qualities that she actually possesses.

    And Jae is apparently  unwilling or incapable of  extending that insight to any black man. How is that anything but a  double-standard.

    I agree with most of your other comments. Jae is in a tough dating position, and she’s making it tougher by her own choices.

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