The Most Important Quality Men Value in Women
Do you remember what it’s like to be in an exciting new relationship?
You’ve got this electric chemistry and everything’s going swimmingly.
He calls you every day.
He introduces you to his friends.
He talks about making vacation plans in the future.
In only a few weeks together, you feel like this was meant to be…and your mind goes wild with the possibilities.
You can’t help yourself.
You think about him at work.
You text him on the way home from work.
You daydream about what life will be like when you’re married.
And then it ends. Abruptly. Without explanation.
The problem is that — in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication — the truth is often really hard to find.
You’re blindsided. And you want answers. I don’t blame you.
I’ve been in the exact same position and I wanted answers, too.
The problem is, you can never get them from your ex.
That’s why I wrote, “Why He Disappeared.” As a male dating coach who specializes in helping women understand men, I have compiled all the answers for you.
Click here to get clarity and closure on all of those past relationships.
You’ve gone through the pain and confusion that comes with breaking up. Maybe you made peace with the past, maybe you haven’t.
But if you’re anything like me, you’re constantly seeking the truth.
The problem is that — in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication — the truth is often really hard to find.
The good news is that, in this blog, you’re going to learn one of the main truths that women go their whole life without learning.
I first realized that this truth was a revelation after giving a speech to a group of 100 singles, aged 25-40.
My speaking engagements are always fun, with lots of laughter and crowd participation. But every night has its surprises. And this speech provided a revelation.
Despite the raucous laughter and the nodding heads, there was one time that you could hear a pin drop.
It was when I was talking about what men REALLY want out of women.
It’s different than what women want out of men.
You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.
In general, women want men to be leaders. They want someone tall, masculine, intelligent, and decisive. They want him to be a passionate captain of industry — a man who can hold a room with his charisma, tell a story that makes your sides split, and can bring home the bacon as well.
That alpha male is very attractive and most women are attracted to him.
The glitch is that this man is not looking for a woman who’s just like him.
And THAT’s the big blind spot for many intelligent, successful women.
You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.
NOT TRUE.
It’s not that intelligence, money, and leadership are unimportant to men; it’s that they place a distant second compared to the most important trait:
How you make him FEEL.
That’s right. It’s not your list of credentials that impress men — it’s how they feel about themselves when they’re with you.
So if your greatest strengths are your intellectual curiosity, your tenacity at work, and your ability to analyze and debate your stance on every issue under the sun, you’d definitely be the person he wants to HIRE.
But who does he want to date?
The woman who asks him about himself.
The woman who laughs at his jokes.
The woman who doesn’t give him a hard time about hanging out with his friends.
The woman who trusts him.
The woman who is up for anything on the weekends and everything in bed.
The woman whose default setting is happy, not stressed/angry/anxious.
Simply put: if he feels GOOD about hanging around with you, he’s going to want to hang around with you forever. But if you think that he’s going to be drawn to you for your ACCOMPLISHMENTS — your degree, your job, your home, your impressive hobbies — you’re really missing something fundamental to men.
The great thing is that this is something you can shift TODAY.
Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good — not emasculated, not second guessed, not browbeaten — you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.
Imagine if a man were to become the ideal BOYFRIEND. What would he have to do?
Make plans in advance.
Pick up the check.
Call every day.
Leave his weekends open.
Talk openly about commitment, family, and future.
Simple stuff, huh? Yet most men fall short, don’t they? It’s because they either don’t KNOW how to be better boyfriends or they don’t CARE.
Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good… you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.
I can’t say whether you care about being a better girlfriend, but now you’ve got no excuse. You KNOW what men want.
How good are you going to be at giving it?
I talk about this extensively in Why He Disappeared — how you can be smart, strong and successful and still be easygoing and nurturing.
It’s not a contradiction — no more than it’s a contradiction for a busy entrepreneur to be emotionally available or a charismatic alpha male to be a good listener.
However, you might notice that men who are consumed with their careers are not always available, and men who are charismatic often like to hear themselves talk.
I can’t make a guy into a better listener; but I can share subtle ways in which you can make men feel better when they’re around you.
Thanks for reading, as always. Can’t wait to show you a new path to love.
In the most wholesome of ways, I love you Evan. What a great post 🙂
I agree it is a great post.
As a young girl growing up in the 60-70s graduating from HS in early 80 I knew that I did not want to be with a man like my Dad. Why? He provided the paycheck but treated my mother like a second hand person. I believe this article hits on that. Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t respect you, takes you for granted, has bunches of double standards. In other words, how you feel with them is like a pile of crap. Come forth woman’s liberation.
The lesson here is both men and woman desire to be with someone that values them. When the basic needs are meet what is left is how the person we are with makes us feel. In today’s world women are taking care of their basic needs by earning a living for themselves so the playing field is being leveled, they no longer need a man to provide the basic needs. And, women are no longer staying in relationships where all those things that Evan wrote aren’t happening for them because they are very important for any relationship to work. Why so many divorces and so many initiated by woman? You get the picture. Men want the good feelings but don’t want to give them hence Evan’s comment they really don’t care for a successful woman because it doesn’t gain them what they want. Put the shoe on her foot, she has worked as hard as him to provide security for herself, and now her “man” treats her successes as irrelevant. A man would not stand for such disrespect. Again, a woman has a need for all the same things that a man once the basic needs necessities are taken care. Any relationship where the man or the woman chooses to not understand the things Evan has written will die and end. So … as a woman, learn how to do the things Evan has written and if you are not getting them in return, quietly slip away, no need to beg or nag for what you need as you will not be heard, just slip away and be thankful you got away before the misery started.
In the end both women and men desire the same thing, to be with someone that makes them feel good. Why so many women in unhappy marriages where the man provides the $$$ for the necessities? Is $$$ enough or is there more to it? We all know there is more to it so read up on Evan’s list and practice it and if you are getting the same in return – find the door you will be a happier person.
Wow Nancy. Exactly. Make him feel good. But let her do all the housework, forget to call, ignore her accomplishments.
I am an artist. I never understood why I never dated artists as a young woman. Not one asked me out. I think I know why now. I am better than they were and they knew it. So without even trying, I made them feel bad about themselves.
Another guy, recently, couldn’t feel good around me because, get this, other men gawked at me when we were out.
So, in making them feel good maybe we’d be trying too hard with some of them, and that’s not appealing either.
But I will think about this article, as I do like Evan’s work.
Thnk u dear
It’s not about the $$$ you earn, but the value you give to your time together. No one wants to be taken for granted, that’s why boundaries should be there. Others won’t know what we want all the time so it is our job to express it. And honestly, if you think you’re better than someone in every aspect, don’t date them. It will lead you taking them for granted and their flaws will become like a mountain out of molehill. Evan for example never says that he “married down”. He said many times his wife is better than him in many ways and complements him. That’s what matters in a relationship, not your degrees or title of the business you own. Your prospective partner, male or female, can appreciate your accomplishments but ultimately they benefit only you. Your partner doesn’t stand to gain anything from them. They care about your ability to hold a good conversation, to listen to them, to your sense of humor, your manner of talking. The former are irrelevant to how you make them feel. It doesn’t mean they want a rag doll (stay away from those) but they care about the interaction with you.
Relationships are about vulnerability. I’m an Aspie & my mother used to constantly dissect my speaking and bodily mannerisms when in public. I usually felt like an insect under a microscope when I was with her in public. While we are in peaceful terms, I could never be comfortable being vulnerable with her waiting for her next lines of criticism. If they feel like they’re employee in a job interview rather than on a date, they can not be open with you and you can never connect with them in a meaningful way. It’s really common sense. “People can forget what you say or what you do but they never forget how you make them feel.” Let them open up to you, guys and gals.
Lol at number 1. But yea great post.
I think this concept is understood well in other (mainly non western) cultures where women make sure they have the more ‘homely’ qualities in order for a man to be interested. It is funny that women find this such a revelation.
“Always up for anything on the weekend, up for everything in bed?”
My last boyfriend was into painful anal sex. For those of you who have researched this, who are, as sex/love advice columnist Dan Savage says, GGG (good, giving, and game), one key thing for a beginner is to START SLOW. This guy was not into starting slow. Eventually, I lost my willingness to try and he got no more of my butt for the next year (we’ve split up, surprise).
That’s a digression. My point is: who WOULDN’T want to spend time with someone who always says yes to whatever they want? Oh, wait, it’s not enough to just say yes – you have to actually, convincingly, be totally cool with WHATEVER YOUR PARTNER WANTS. Evan, you are saying for women to give up on the stupid, misguided hopes we were raised with that we could ever be an actual equal partner. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying that it’s what you’re saying.
I do agree with you. You can’t put up with anything, everywhere just because he wants it. Especially, if that’s what you don’t want.
I don’t agree with “being forced” to do things for him when you’re not comfortable in the first place. You have to actually enjoy it so that he can enjoy it too.
If you don’t, then what’s the point?
Nowhere does it say you have to agree to things you don’t want to do – the point is not to be a slave, but to compromise, and that goes for both partners.
In my point of view, your ex should have been more considerating, and you are a rockstar for trying to compromise on such a painful subject. It shows you are willing to go the extra mile, just shame he wasn’t a better guy.
Great post! And as usual very enlightening.
I think this concept is understood well in other (mainly non western) cultures where women make sure they have the more ‘homely’ qualities in order for a man to be interested. It is funny that women find this such a revelation.
Not really considering that the book AND movie “He Is Just Not That Into You” did so well.
Emasculate, second guess, browbeat, yes, you tell a room full of husband less women to stop doing that, the room will quiet down to hear a pin drop.
JoBlo #3
I can’t imagine anyone advising someone to stick it out with a selfish jerk, which is how I’d describe a man who forces his girlfriend to do something sexually without considering her needs first. Good thing you have moved on.
Re: #3
I stopped being one of those girls who was up for anything (almost) in bed when I dated an unfortunate short string of “special needs” men. Each of whom was very selfish when it came to reciprocation. Enough. Escort services provide women who are “up for anything”. I want a mutually satisfying, and loving sexual relationship.
JoBlo said: (#3)
“My point is: who WOULDN’T want to spend time with someone who always says yes to whatever they want? […] Evan, you are saying for women to give up on the stupid, misguided hopes we were raised with that we could ever be an actual equal partner.”
You’re focusing on the wrong point.
It’s nice that my girlfriend is willing to try new things in bed. And she’s willing to give things a genuine try before deciding whether or not she likes them. If she decides she doesn’t enjoy something, that’s perfectly fine with me.
But what’s vastly more important is her attitude when I want to spend a couple hours playing online computer games or spend an afternoon at a friend’s house playing tabletop roleplaying games. She happy that I’m taking some time for myself away from work. She’s happy that I’m spending time with friends. She doesn’t believe my geeky hobbies are some embarassing secret.
My girlfriend is a basically happy person. When she’s not happy, she doesn’t vent her frustrations by tearing my head off. When she has felt truly miserable, I have felt bad for her, but I didn’t end up feeling bad because of her.
Evan’s main point is that men want to feel good. It’s possible to feel good even if my girlfriend doesn’t enjoy absolutely every sex act that I enjoy. It’s nearly impossible to feel good if she’s going on a fault-finding tour through my life (as an ex-girlfriend did). That should give you a good idea of the relative importance of those two details.
Selena said: (#8)
“I dated an unfortunate short string of ‘special needs’ men. Each of whom was very selfish when it came to reciprocation.”
It sounds like you were dating rather lousy boyfriends (or completely incompatible ones). You don’t want to keep those.
If a woman is a lousy girlfriend, I make no effort to be a good boyfriend. I’m not going to discuss commitment and future plans. I’m not going to leave my weekends open. I’m not going to call every day.
You don’t need to apply these equally to every man you date. Just the ones you want to keep.
Sounds like if you should just break up with her instead of be a shitty boyfriend in return.
Hehe, and the guy who e-mailed me who also wanted a dominant woman was a bit puzzled as to why I wasn’t interested.
@Karl #9
They never made it to being boyfriends because they were lousy (and lazy) in bed.
@Starthrower
A dominant woman with accoutrements? I think I dated him. 😛
I can only imagine what you’d say, Selena, if you read that you “never made it” to being a girlfriend because you were “lousy and lazy in bed”. Perhaps you would feel that the man was being superficial or unrealistically demanding. Perhaps you would feel that he should have been patient with you and given you the chance to become better in bed. Sorry, but I just can’t let such double standards slide on here.
My wife told a story at a party last night of a charity event that she attended, at which a hot young doctor, straight out of Grey’s Anatomy central casting, spoke about donating his time to perform surgery on children in Africa. The room, filled with women and gay men, collectively swooned. Pretty soon, there was an humorous impromptu bidding war from different tables to get the hot doc to sit down with them. Seating rights were sold for $1000 to a particularly aggressive and flirtatious group of fortysomething women, all of whom were certainly clamoring to get close to this doctor for his insights about malaria. Right.
If a bidding war for a beautiful woman doctor had brokeen out at a similar function attended by men, would this not have been a national news story, further enflamed by the likes of Jezebel and other feminist blogs? I find it hard to think otherwise.
Frankly, I don’t have a problem with any of this kind of stuff – not auctions for hot people, or private Powerpoint presentations of sexual conquests.
I have a huge problem with hypocrisy, however.
Didn’t meant to single you out, Selena. This was just a leaping-off point in seeing that we will often judge other people (on looks, sexual prowess, etc) in a way that we would never want to be judged ourselves.
But don’t men feel good when they are with an accomplished woman?
heck yeah i sure do .
Evan,
Perhaps more detail is needed without getting into somewhat embarrasing specifics. First of all, I don’t consider someone my ‘boyfriend’ until “I love you’s” have been exchanged. Until then it’s “dating”. Having sex does not automatically make someone my boyfriend – it is though a way of getting to know if we are compatible in that area. If we are not, then the relationship will not progress to the bf/gf stage. Sex, for me, is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic friendship.
When I speak of “special needs”, selfish, lousy or lazy what I’m talking about is a few men I dated (and had sex with) who had a definite preference for particular practices that did nothing for me. (And I’m not talking anything mainstream like oral.) It would become clear that these men needed these things to be fullfilled sexually. I was a good sport. I went along. But the novelty wore off pretty quickly. Even so, I can be a generous lover, doing things that don’t turn me on IF my lover is generous in return. In the case with these men they weren’t too interested in reciprocation, in doing the things I needed (which were mainstream). They wanted what they wanted and that was it. Which is why the relationships never became more than casual short term ones.
This is hypocrisy? A double standard? Maybe they did think I was lousy and lazy in bed because I didn’t appreciate their…uh…fetishes? So? We were incompatible in that area that’s all.
When you start to feel the guy should leave money on the dresser, it’s time to move on. Now where did I put that whip? 😉
I hereby pronounce this the thread of nonsequitors. All Evan wrote was that men like the company of women that make them feel good. From there we moved on to anal sex, domination and Grey’s Anatomy ( a truly horrible show, even for a soap opera ).
Best comment of all! Keep it simple ladies…we know we like to feel good around the man we adore/like/love, so do men. Period.
Yes, very true. I’ve noticed that a lot of advice given in the blogs is often taken to the level of extreme hyperbole by the commenters.
So being easygoing with your boyfriend is equated with letting your boyfriend force you into orgies, letting a man talk about an ex is disrespectful to you b/c he clearly is not over her and you should dump him, and compromising is equated with dating unemployed losers who treat you like a doormat and cheat on you.
It’s interesting how often the advice is not taken in the spirit in which it is given.
You aren’t being a doormat by at least being open to having a discussion with someone about something that they might like to try-that could be sex, food, travel, etc. You aren’t getting played if you don’t expect someone to check in with you every hour about who he is spending time with and want to read all emails, texts, etc. that a man sends out.
It’s also interesting how anecdotal evidence (“well no one has ever complained to ME”) is often the rebuttal to the advice. Just because you’re fortunate enough to get no complaints doesn’t mean that the approach is right, or that it will work for everyone.
I don’t really see how anyone could argue that being an easy-going, open-minded (not a doormat as is often claimed whenever this advice is given) partner/mate is somehow a bad thing. It takes so much time to follow someone around and poke around in emails and phones. It takes a lot of emotional and mental energy to be angry, jealous, and insecure.
Of course, all of this goes out the window if the person in question is hot enough, which I suspect is why so many people are convinced that their approach is what will work for everyone. Clearly, a lot of people get to be perfectly awful and always have someone willing to put up with their awfulness-but no one ever said that the world of dating, relationships, and marriage was a meritocracy.
#3
:(, it sounds like this wasn’t a very pleasant experience for you in and outside of the bedroom. I know how you feel, and I’m sure we all have circumstances in our lives like this. These incidents can cause anger–which is an insidious emotion that comes from when we don’t have our needs met or we are hurt–sounds like both might have been present here.
The key is to address the anger in a productive way. The best way to do that is to recognize that ulitimately we DID agree to do something. Unless the other person tied us up or did some other extreme act to us, we chose out our own free will to make that decision–and perhaps made that same decision multiple times. The NEXT, and most important step, is to LEARN from what happened. This is what Selena mentions, she strengthened her boundary in regard to what she was willing or not willing to accept in her relationships and life.
Finally, what qualities about this man did not appeal to you? What signs were that that this man was who he was, in and out of the bedroom? Learn from these, and next time this will help to make a better choice of a man to date.
Then move on in life, do not SUFFER over things you have no control over (which is the past in this case).
who WOULDN’T want to spend time with someone who always says yes to whatever they want? Oh, wait, it’s not enough to just say yes — you have to actually, convincingly, be totally cool with WHATEVER YOUR PARTNER WANTS.
PLENTY of people don’t want this and I can also guarantee that a mature man of high character definitely DOESN’T want this either.
LOL Steve #16
It’s just the phrase “be up for everything in bed” leaves ALOT of room for interpretation. 🙂
Andrea 17
Yes, very true. I’ve noticed that a lot of advice given in the blogs is often taken to the level of extreme hyperbole by the commenters.
It happens on web boards too. People don’t comment on what the original poster wrote, they use it as a trigger to go off on something they want to talk about.