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I’m so thankful to have that time to be single as I’ve truly grown as a person, but that’s too much to say to a guy in the early stages. I want him to see what a catch I am and not “Whoh! That seems like hard work ahead… Where’s the door!” So how can I come across as a fab lady and still be honest? Many thanks x Melissa
I’m in my early 40s and lately (since I hit about 38) a common question I get from guys goes something like this, “You’re pretty, smart, etc. – why aren’t you married/ in a relationship?” One guy actually even asked me what’s wrong with me. Well, frankly, I could tell you plenty of stuff that’s wrong with me and what was wrong with him and why other relationships didn’t work out. But it seems to me that there is no good answer to that question. And saying, “I hadn’t met you yet” doesn’t go very far either. How would you suggest I deal with this question?
Joy
For the ten years I was single and dating online prolifically, I went on a LOT of dates. Some were uneventful. Some were uneventful but ended in hookups. Some were classically awful — great stories that I still tell to this day about psycho women who are presumably still lurking on JDate, Match and Nerve. And then there’s one category of dates that I rarely bring up — the dates where I acted like a complete ass.
And then there’s one category of dates that I rarely bring up — the dates where I acted like a complete ass.
I once wrote a newsletter about some of them. How I drunkenly threw an ice cube down some unsuspecting woman’s cleavage. How I showed up at a sushi date plastered after a full day of drinking by the beach. How I brought a second bottle of wine to her home to ensure that I’d lose my inhibitions if she turned out to not be as attractive as her photo. (Yes, most of my stories involve booze and sex. What do you want from me? My apologies to my mother-in-law who is no doubt reading this right now. Love you, Lani!)
Wait, where was I? Right. Booze. Sex. Bad dates. Yes. The worst date I remember was one that didn’t involve anything other than what Melissa and Joy mentioned above — it was a bright woman with devilish eyes, dark hair and a wicked wit. We had a lot of banter prior to going out on our date and I was unusually nervous for a guy who dispensed dating advice for a living. So I took her to my go-to bar, The Well (leather booths, mood lighting, candles, great vodka selection, amazing jukebox, cool atmosphere, not too pretentious.)
That’s when it all fell apart.
Suddenly, she said things like, “So, why are you single?” and “Do you bring all your dates here?”…and although she was actually just teasing me, like a guy friend would, I took it very, very seriously, and tried to answer earnestly: “Actually, I’m just a regular guy who gives advice, but is really looking for love,” blahblahblah. It was the real answer, all right, but it ground our electric chemistry to an immediate halt. Soon, conversation became stilted and awkward because I felt like she was attacking me (she wasn’t; she was flirting with me), and she thought I was being way too defensive (I was; it was awful). I saw the night spiral out of control and I couldn’t turn it around. When I dropped her off, I knew there was no way I’d ever see her again, and I beat myself up for 2 or 3 days afterwards for acting like a lame ass.
Essentially, if you BELIEVE you’re a great catch, you’re a great catch.
…In the end, it’s your confidence that the guy is buying
Why do I tell you this story, apart from the simple catharsis of admitting embarrassing things in a public forum? Well, because I realized that my main problem was taking myself so goddamn seriously! Of course, it’s funny that I was a single guy giving dating advice. Of course, I bring all my dates to this bar. In retrospect, it would have been far more effective to just laugh at myself and diffuse the situation entirely.
“Yes, I take all my dates here. I’m trying to set a record for the most dates by a guy who really wants to be married. Another 86 and I’ll be there. This is Kate, my regular bartender. She’ll be serving me the usual Vox on the rocks. Check out the jukebox. Make sure you go to the last page of CDs, otherwise you’ll miss out on the White Stripes album buried at the end.”
And if she laughed and said, “Seriously. Why are you still single?” I would probably give a politician-like non-answer, “Well, all the women that I loved broke up with me. And all the women who loved me, I broke up with. And I’ve gotta believe that if I keep getting out there, eventually I’m gonna get it right.” The end.
The real point, Joy and Melissa, is that if you don’t make this into a big deal, it’s not a big deal. If you sweat and stammer and get nervous, you’re only adding fuel to the fire.
Essentially, if you BELIEVE you’re a great catch, you’re a great catch. If you don’t believe you’re a great catch — and need validation of recent relationships to prove it — well, it’s going to be hard to convince yourself (and him) that it’s true.
In the end, it’s your confidence that the guy is buying. Nothing more. Nothing less.
But if you overreact to his innocent (or not so innocent) question, he’s going to wonder about your confidence, which is inherently going to make you less attractive to him.
What you also seem to be missing is that “Why are you still single?” is a compliment. That’s right. Here’s how I know that:
Imagine you met a fat, stupid guy with absolutely no manners. Do you think you would ever ask, “Why are you still single?”
The defense rests, your honor.
The REAL problem is not the question itself; it’s that the question is triggering GENUINE insecurities in you about being a great catch.
Someone only asks that because it seems incongruous that someone as amazing as you hasn’t yet been snapped up by somebody else. The REAL problem is not the question itself; it’s that the question is triggering GENUINE insecurities in you about being a great catch. If you believe you’re a great catch, then the question shouldn’t bother you at all.
Just take it as a compliment.
By the way, here’s how a 31-year-old Evan handled a very challenging question about his own dating credentials in early 2004.
Enjoy:
FeistyWoman says
It’s a shame that we stigmatize women of a certain age who are single as if they’re suffering from some sort of contagious disease.
Maybe we haven’t met the right person yet, maybe we’re holding out for something better and maybe just maybe, we’re happy with the way things are, for now.
People should try to be more open-minded in considering peoples’ individual circumstances. Not all of us are a “one size fits all”.
Clara Bloom says
I agree.
Karl R says
Joy said: (original post)
“a common question I get from guys goes something like this, ‘You’re pretty, smart, etc. — why aren’t you married/in a relationship?’ One guy actually even asked me what’s wrong with me.”
The obvious answer to that last gentleman: “What’s wrong with you? You’re not in a relationship either.”
I’m 41, and I’ve never been married. I’ve heard that question before. I always smile and turn the question around on my date.
I’m not embarassed or self-conscious about being single at 41. Any explanation that someone gives can be applied to my situation … even if it’s not comparable.
Let’s say that she got married young, realized that they weren’t ready for marriage, and divorced. Fortunately, I realized that I wasn’t ready for marriage at that age, so I avoided having the same thing happen to me.
Let’s say she was married for ten years, but she caught her husband cheating on her and they divorced. I can sympathize. I had a serious girlfiend who cheated on me. Fortunately, it happened before we got married, so the breakup was a lot less painful than a divorce.
Let’s say she was establishing her career. I’m in the exact same position. She was just fortunate enough to get established more at a younger age than I did.
And after you’ve had a recent relationship or two, the problem no longer exists.
Denise says
Essentially, if you BELIEVE you’re a great catch, you’re a great catch. If you don’t believe you’re a great catch — and need validation of recent relationships to prove it — well, it’s going to be hard to convince yourself (and him) that it’s true.
In the end, it’s your confidence that the guy is buying. Nothing more. Nothing less.
This is perfectly said and so true! We can’t convince ourselves or others, we have to BELIEVE.
How about a comeback like this, with a big smile of course: “I haven’t gotten married beause I’ve been working on perfecting my sexiness, how am I doing?” 😉 If he comes back after that, like “Seriously, why…”, one could say, “Seriously, I’ve been working on becoming the best woman and person I could be, I feel like I’ve arrived.” Something like that, keeps it light and fun and not so serious.
Honey says
Try being a woman who’s been in an amazing committed relationship for almost 5 years…yet at least 3 times a week I get asked, “how come you two aren’t married/engaged?”
Ugh. As if I want to share the intimate details of my relationship and my finances with everyone who asks! So yes, I’ve become the master of the creative/flip answer because it makes people less uncomfortable than,
“We each have $100K in student loan debt (yes, EACH) and he still has $32K in credit card debt…and he’s paid back $18K already!”
Yeah, law school and a PhD in English are not the best ways to set yourself up, financially 😉 And of course I can tell the truth here because it’s not my real name!
SS says
<i>The obvious answer to that last gentleman: “What’s wrong with you? You’re not in a relationship either.”</i>
That’s a good answer. That’s the one I usually used when men asked me that question… it was an odd question considering that they were also single and potentially interested in me.
The online version of that question was, “Why are you doing here on the Internet looking for a date?” I often said, “Same reason why you’re here, looking for a date on the Internet!”
Honestly though, I don’t see it as a complimentary statement at all. It usually suggests limited thinking (as if one has to be validated by being married or involved) and as some men later told me, it was often a statement they would use to “fish” for information. They were waiting for me to come up with some sob story about a recent breakup or divorce and instead of letting me volunteer that naturally, they tried to use a faux compliment to get me to spill my guts so they could make a judgment about me early on.
The funny thing though is that the men who turned out to be my best partners (including the one I married) NEVER asked that question. Probably because they knew better, were actually able to have a conversation without relying on cliched false compliments and themselves were single for varying reasons, so they understood why I would be as well.
Diana says
I think a person’s response depends on the tone that’s used and the wording. Using the “why” word can make people feel defensive. If it’s something lighthearted like, ‘Hey beautiful! How have you managed to keep yourself single!?,’ that’s fine for responding in a fun way. But this, “What’s wrong with you,” etc. crap, not so fast. Sometimes we do take ourselves too seriously, and sometimes people are just plain rude.
Rachelle says
I’m 38. Never married (not even close) and no kids and I get asked that infamous why are you still single question on my dates. It used to make me pretty insecure, probably because I’m wondering the same thing! LOL My usual response is I haven’t met the right guy. I don’t know if that’s a good response but most dates seem to take it ok.
starthrower68 says
I find it odd that this is even an issue. In an age where a lot of us are career-driven, and marrying for the first time later in life, this seems silly to me. That’s not mean to invalidate our posters’ experiences, but this is not the 1950’s. I would say to Joy & Melissa you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
Sara says
Ugh, I hate the “so, why are you still single” question, but it’s only an issue if we make it an issue. If we just shrug it off and/or make a lighthearted comment, it’s not a problem.
By the way, I watched the clip Evan posted and I think he handled those questions really well. The interviewer was trying to be dismissive, but ended up being disarmed and amused. I guess confidence and humour really do go a long way.
Sayanta says
I’ve been asked this too- and I noticed that the askers are usually really shady guys- don’t know if there’s a connection there. 😉
Still Looking says
@Karl – Karl, I usually love reading your well reasoned responses on this site but today you left me scratching my head. You stated:
“I’m 41, and I’ve never been married. I’ve heard that question before. I always smile and turn the question around on my date.
I’m not embarassed or self-conscious about being single at 41. Any explanation that someone gives can be applied to my situation … even if it’s not comparable.”
You then list a number of scenarios comparing your situation with the woman’s situation.
What has me perplexed is why you would smile and turn the question around. Don’t you feel the woman wants to know why you are still single? You take the opportunity to find out why she is single but appear to keep her on uneven ground by not divulging your response.
For those of you who might be offended by the question of why you are single, don’t you want to know your date’s relationship history? Yes, I agree that some people might ask the question in a rude manner but assuming the question is asked properly, I feel it is important information to know.
I’m not suggesting that one bares one’s soul during a first date but the answer provides some much needed insight into a date’s personality, stability, and goals in life, especially as we get older.
For example, if I’m on a first date with a 40 y.o. woman who has never been married I can come up with a list of possible reasons:
1. She has been totally consumed by her education/career and is now looking for a LTR. Not a problem.
2. She has been in one or two LTRs and never opted to get married. Not a problem.
3. She has never been able to maintain a LTR in her life for more than a couple of months. Big problem.
4. She was recently released from serving a 20 year prison sentence. Big problem.
These are just 4 possibilities. A 2 minute response can set my mind at ease and remove a possible red flag. I realize some might consider the question too personal or offensive but not providing an answer leaves your date wondering what you are hiding. I don’t think I’ve been on a date yet where I haven’t been asked why I don’t drink. A 30 second explanation that I quit 5 years ago because I thought I was drinking too much has satisfied the vast majority. If I was evasive with my answer, what conclusion do you think the women would draw?
LMJ says
It’s nice that you explain your motivation for asking the question, and humorously, too.
As a 38 year old woman who has never been married, for a combination of reasons 1 and 2, I was recently asked this question. The tone of the guy’s inquiry matters a ton.
This question is best asked in a casual, flattering way (how is someone so awesome as yourself managed to stay single?!) Sure, it’s a bit cheesy, but preferable to the tone of the last (divorced) fellow who asked the question in a serious tone during an initial phone convo (after meeting online), and came off like an interrogator. I try to be both light in tone, and honest, in replying that I have been in a couple of long term relationships and invested a few years in the relationship, but life events intruded and I realized there were serious incompatibilities that would make marriage an unwise decision.
To the guys: Yes, ask the question, but be warm and gentle in your approach.
ss says
@11
I’m not suggesting that one bares one’s soul during a first date but the answer provides some much needed insight into a date’s personality, stability, and goals in life, especially as we get older.
Not Karl, but I’ll say that there’s plenty of time to find out all of this information and more. It’s way too premature to do this on a first date. It’s a first date, not a background check.
Still Looking says
@12 – I forgot to mention that the topic of dating/past relationships usually is covered to some degree before the first date. Sometimes the woman brings up the subject and sometimes I toss it on the table. I certainly don’t consider it a taboo subject that needs to be avoided. It can be as simple as:
Q – so how’s Match working out for you.
A – Oh it really sucks, I’ve gone out with over 100 guys but have never accepted an offer for a second date, even if they beg me. At least I get a nice meal out of it LOL.
Of course I prefer a response like:
A – Well, I wasn’t ready to date for a year after my divorce but then last June I decided I was ready and put my profile on Match. Since then I’ve met some great guys and have made some good friends but just haven’t found the right one yet, but I’m feeling pretty optimistic 😉
ss says
@Still Looking…
Gotcha. Most times when I heard it, it was on the very first date and the topic had never come up before (brief chats took place by e-mail/chat before the actual in-person meeting).
When I was dating, I would often talk about the dating/singles landscape in our respective cities, but always on a general level. I never volunteered information about past relationships to a man whom I didn’t know would even call me for a second date (which is his right — as it was mine not to be forthcoming about my life to people who were still strangers) and I certainly didn’t appreciate much questioning about it.
Any discussion or questioning about past relationships initiated by my date pretty much ruled out any interest in a second date with him.
Interesting though… my good guy friend was exactly right (as I mentioned in No. 5) that such a statement/question is often used as a fishing tool… which continues to blow holes in the idea that a man/woman is just trying to pay his or her date a compliment.
Steve says
I tell the truth.
15 years as a deep undercover agent protecting the free world makes it very hard to date and form long term relationships.
starthrower68 says
Ah, the fishing expedition that doesn’t sound like a fishing expedition.
Marriage Agency says
It’s a matter of self preservation. Don’t try to please every guys that you want to meet because we can’t please everybody. As long you have the positive outlook with your life and for your self and think that you are a catch then you can be what you are thinking.
Denise says
#13 Still Looking
I like to ask about the on line horror dates they’ve been on :). No matter how they answer, it tells me alot about them. We get a good laugh out of it, and that usually leads into more discussions about dating, etc.
Karl R says
Still Looking said: (#11)
“You take the opportunity to find out why she is single but appear to keep her on uneven ground by not divulging your response.”
Look at the three examples I gave (#2). Everything after the first sentence of each paragraph is a paraphrase of my response in that situation. My response is generally comparable in length and detail to hers.
But I won’t share significantly more information with the woman than she shared with me.
Still Looking said: (#11)
“A 2 minute response can set my mind at ease and remove a possible red flag. I realize some might consider the question too personal or offensive but not providing an answer leaves your date wondering what you are hiding.”
So you’re taking a long, complex and personal topic (someone’s dating history), and trying to get a two minute answer which will ease your mind without including any information which you would interpret as a red flag. If someone doesn’t answer your question, that’s a red flag.
That’s almost guaranteed to put your date on the spot and make her feel uncomfortable. So for the rest of the date, you have to counteract that on-the-spot uncomfortable feeling she got from you, just so you can get a second date.
I’m not seeing that as a winning strategy.
Still Looking asked: (#11)
“For those of you who might be offended by the question of why you are single, don’t you want to know your date’s relationship history?”
Guess what my dates learn by asking that question on the first (or second) date. They learn that I’m very good at giving short, satisfactory answers to uncomfortable questions.
While that’s a useful skill, it’s not a dealbreaker if the woman’s response to awkward questions is … well … awkward. Nor is her ability to gloss over red flags a winning trait.
Every woman that I’ve dated for a month has volunteered significant portions of her dating history. I didn’t have to fish.
I can get the information I want by being patient. I can’t necessarily get the information I want by asking uncomfortable questions. Which strategy do you think I use with my dates?
Still Looking said: (#11)
“She has never been able to maintain a LTR in her life for more than a couple of months. Big problem.”
If I remember correctly, Evan only has one relationship that lasted past four months … the relationship with his wife. He habitually ended his relationships at the three month mark if he couldn’t see the woman as being his future wife.
Your prying questions won’t determine whether the woman is able to maintain a relationship for more than a couple months. At best, you’ll determine whether she has maintained a relationship for longer than that. And if she has a dating strategy similar to Evan’s, you’re inclined to interpret that as a big problem.
If I’m patient, I can learn the same information with a lot more context and make a better decision whether I’m dealing with a red flag.
Ruby says
Isn’t there actually more of a stigma against never-married men (especially over 40) than there is for women?
I’ve never understood why being divorced is like a badge of honor for some people. If they were really all that committed to their marriages, then why are they divorced?
Talley says
No. Men are considered eligible bachelors. I rarely see it referred to as a negative a too much. I do think there will naturally be a big question for either sex. Unfortunately the question pops into your head concerning why this person has never been married or at least engaged.
Goldie says
Alright, I confess, I’ve asked the darn question – but that was when I’d first started dating, right after my divorce, and what I was really trying to ask was, I guess, “so what’s it like out there? how did it work out for you? what should I prepare myself for as I start doing this?” Needless to say, this question did not get me a second date, but I probably wasn’t ready for one anyway 😉
@Still Looking #11 – you bet I want to know whether the guy has a criminal record, addictions, bad habits, personal issues etc. But coming straight out and asking him about it on our first date won’t get me anywhere. Also, odds are a real con man/sociopath would come up with a quick answer that will convince me. A regular guy on the other hand, would probably just end the date and never call back.
I’ve got a question to all that is somewhat related to the topic at hand – what’s a “serial dater” and how do we avoid projecting ourselves like one? Reason I ask is, back when I started dating, a lot of advice I got from friends was about avoiding these serial daters and ways to filter them out early on. But then in the same breath, people would tell me that a good way to find that out is to ask a guy, “So how do you like dating so far?” – if he says he does like it, then he’s a serial dater and I should run. This boggles my mind as I am a positive person. I try to enjoy everything I do. I don’t complain, especially on my first date to someone I just met in person. Will I really come across as a serial dater if I say “I like it”? Am I actually supposed to tell the person how I suffer through my dating process? This kind of goes against my nature.
KellyAnn says
@Ruby “Isn’t there actually more of a stigma against never-married men (especially over 40) than there is for women?
I’ve never understood why being divorced is like a badge of honor for some people. If they were really all that committed to their marriages, then why are they divorced?”
I’d rather find someone who has never been married than someone who has already broken their wedding vows at least once.
LMJ says
I am wary of men who are over 40 and have not been married, simply because a good looking and successful man has plenty of opportunities to get married by that age. If he hasn’t, there are a few reasons why and most of them do not bode well.
I started dating a 40 year old who was handsome, active, and shared various interests. Unfortunately I missed glaring warning signs, now I am 38 and forced to respond to the “question” that is the subject of this post.
Diana says
To Karl R #19, your post basically sums up what I was thinking, in that you can find out why a person’s still single organically and in a more comfortable way than directly asking, especially early on. These types of questions feel a little imposing to me and risk making the other person feel uncomfortable which is not something I want to do with someone I am interested in.
It’s interesting how people think. Sometimes we are thinking what we’ve been taught to think, instead of thinking for ourselves. One of the questions I am asked is, “Why are you divorced?” Given that an affair was the basis for my divorce, some people automatically assume that something must be wrong with me. Why else would he have an affair? But the truth is they would hear something far different, if they were to ask my former husband. I just try to respond as gracefully as I can (without giving them a three-hour speech [LOL]), and then move on.
Goldie says
Wow, all the stereotypes out there are making my head spin. So, if I’m divorced and I’m the one that left, then I betrayed my wedding vows. If I’m divorced and he’s the one that left, then I must’ve done something to have lost his love. If I was never married then I guess I must be a crazy cat lady (if I’m a woman) or a fast-food employee living in my mother’s basement (if I’m a man). And of course, either way I’m a commitmentphobe. Sounds like there’s a label for any single person over 25. Nice 😀 Not that I’ve never been guilty of applying those to other people myself… will definitely refrain from doing it now. Like Karl said, if I wait a while, I’ll get the whole story in context, and won’t have to jump to conclusions.
Karl R says
Ruby asked: (#20)
“Isn’t there actually more of a stigma against never-married men (especially over 40) than there is for women?”
This topic has been addressed before. See responses 18, 27 and 83 for examples of that stigma.
starthrower68 said: (#16)
“Ah, the fishing expedition that doesn’t sound like a fishing expedition.”
I know what you mean.
After a dozen different dates asked me several dozen questions which were fishing expeditions carefully phrased to not sound like fishing expeditions … that’s exactly what they sounded like.
Goldie asked: (#21)
“what’s a ‘serial dater’?”
Here’s an article that gives a reasonable (and broad) definition of the term. Of course, it is partly contradicted by this other article.
Goldie asked: (#21)
“how do we avoid projecting ourselves like one?”
Very carefully … especially if you’re a serious dater who is simultaneously dating multiple people in order to improve your odds of finding a long-term relationship.
When someone asked one of those fishing expedition questions, I would let her know that I was interested in ending up in a serious, long-term relationship, but I was more interested in waiting for someone who was a good match instead of jumping into the first possible relationship.
It’s not something that’s easy to preemptively volunteer. You have to wait for the fishing expedition … the one that doesn’t sound like a fishing expedition.
SS says
@20
I’ve never understood why being divorced is like a badge of honor for some people. If they were really all that committed to their marriages, then why are they divorced?
I agree. I never understood this either. I have even found that a number of dating coaches/matchmakers say that divorced men in their late 30s and over (don’t know about women) are better catches than never-married men, because at least you know that they are willing to make a commitment because they did in the past.
I never totally bought that. I don’t negatively judge anyone who has been divorced (because I don’t know the story behind the divorce), but I also never saw it as a feather in their caps that they were once married. I’d rather meet a late 30-something guy who has never married but is VERY committed to finding a wife than a divorced late 30-something guy who might need a while to recommit to the idea of marriage and makes me wait longer for commitment than a never-married guy might have because his divorce makes him more squeamish about marriage now.
As with anything though, you have to judge the person, not the situation. But I don’t find that being once married makes anyone a better catch than never being married… I know for me, it was the opposite (of course, I’m barely in my 30s, so I figured I was still in the age group where there were a reasonable number of never-married men out there).
Luxe says
@15 Steve – I’m going to use this next time.
I get along better when I get to know the person naturally and with time versus asking some type of fishing question. Since I don’t really like the “why are you single?” question at all, I could just come up with some simple short answer that doesn’t give the person anymore information then they had from the beginning. So what’s the point?
Selena says
It’s ironic that the people who are most likely to ask this question are themselves divorced. As a veteran of a few long, serious relationships where marriage was considered (and later rejected – by me), I usually end up saying I lived with someone long enough to realize we wouldn’t be able to keep the “till death do we part vow”. Then I smile and say I have been lucky, the money I’ve saved on divorce attorneys. Compared to the person asking the question, I have been. And it diffuses that uncomfortable line of inquiry.
A first date should be fun! Getting into discussions about previous relationships is NOT fun. All of that will be disclosed as you get to know and feel more comfortable with each other.
Ruby says
SS #26
I don’t assume that someone who is divorced is any more or less flawed than one who is never-married. In fact, I do think there is some truth to what those dating advisors say, especially when you’re talking about the over-40 crowd. But again, it all depends on the individual.
Karl R #25
The article came up “not found.”
Selena says
Thing is, all single people are single for essentially the same reason: they’ve yet to have the relationship that lasts a lifetime.
Applies equally to the divorced AND the never married. And makes the question “Why are you still single?” irrelevant.
Sayanta says
#15- I like Steve’s answer- I’m using that from now on.
Sayanta says
#22, Kelly-Ann,
Amen. Me too.
ss says
@Ruby29
I don’t assume that someone who is divorced is any more or less flawed than one who is never-married. In fact, I do think there is some truth to what those dating advisors say, especially when you’re talking about the over-40 crowd. But again, it all depends on the individual.
I also agree there might be some degree of truth as well when you’re talking about the over-40, particularly mid-40s crowd… actually, I dated one of those guys when he was 35 and unmarried and he’s now 43 and unmarried. Good guy, but has social issues… and yes, he admitted as much. About three women (myself included) have moved on and gotten married after dating him for a period of time simply because he has an issue with turning a safe platonic friendship into a romantic, sexual one.
However, when you’re talking late 30s (which is the age range I usually dated), I found those never-married men to be the best catches. A lot of them put career first or maybe just took a little longer to mature, but they usually were at the point in which they knew what they wanted, and they were determined not to stay on the market very long.
With a divorced man, I found that it all depended on how long he’d been out of his marriage. If you as a woman wanted to settle down and marry (and had never been married), a guy just a year or two out of a marriage was often a bad bet. Not because he was a bad guy because he was divorced, but he was rightfully a little gun shy about doing the whole marriage thing again. The ones with more years away from the marriage were better, but still more gun shy than the never-married late 30-something.
So yes, he might marry again and might marry you, but you probably have to go through a lot more mental and emotional hoops waiting for him as he tries to come to terms with his feelings. And seeing that I did enough of that with poor results in a seven-year period, I easily determined that the never-married late-30 something (and maybe early 40 something) was the much better risk.
I find that many dating books don’t take that into account when they rave about how commitment proven a divorced man is versus a never-married man.
But yes… it does depend on the individual too! 🙂
james says
I wholly agree with EVAN!!!! Great great great POST!:)
Sayanta says
Just curious- what if you’ve never been married or in anything serious or too physical because all the guys you fell for were gay. All of them. Seriously. Is this something you want to tell a potential boyfriend at any point?
There must be others with this problem, right? 🙂
Helen says
Evan, I want to focus on a point of your response that others haven’t discussed as much, which is awesome and applies not just to relationships, but to worklife as well:
“If you don’t make this into a big deal, it’s not a big deal… In the end, it’s your confidence that [people are] buying. Nothing more. Nothing less.”
That ought to be a mantra for problems in general, or, in any case, what we perceive to be problems. Others don’t see our problems as much as we do. So don’t make a big deal of them. Be nonchalant. If you act as though something is not a big deal, others will generally pick up on your cue. This isn’t a call to go out and do outrageous things – rather, to understand that we see our flaws and mistakes more harshly than most others do.
Denise says
#33
Yours is a good post and especially this:
A lot of them put career first or maybe just took a little longer to mature, but they usually were at the point in which they knew what they wanted, and they were determined not to stay on the market very long.
Reminds me of ‘any man/woman will do’
This is a danger area for men too. I’m a woman in her mid (now late! yikes) 40s and am really surprised at the number of men around my age or older that have young children. I’m sure some of them married and waited to have children, but I bet a lot of them are as you describe and got married later in life. I also know of a man in particular who waited to get married now regrets the choice he made. He’s around 50 and has a long way to go before his children are grown and on their own (which is what he is committed to doing).
Just goes to show that men and women have a ‘time clock’ and that sometimes works against them.
Karl R says
ss said: (#33)
“usually were at the point in which they knew what they wanted, and they were determined not to stay on the market very long.”
Denise said: (#37)
“Reminds me of ‘any man/woman will do’”
I disagree with Denise. As ss said, “they knew what they wanted.” Of the men I know in this situation, they haven’t hesitated to end a relationship that wasn’t what they wanted.
And that’s where these men differ from me. I don’t want kids. I have no sense of urgency. I’m a lot more willing to hang out in a relationship that won’t last as long as I’m enjoying it in the short term. A few extra months won’t make that much difference in the long run.
I dated one woman for 6 months. After the first month, I told her that I didn’t see it becoming a serious relationship. Since we were having fun, we continued to date until I met someone whom I wanted to be serious with. That non-serious relationship lasted longer than two of my serious relationships.
If my main goal was to get married, every minute I spent with the non-serious girlfriend was a waste of time. If my main goal was to have fun, those minutes were time well spent.
The men that ss was talking about, they wouldn’t have spent/wasted that time.
Joe Amoia says
Where did we get teh idea that if a person is still single in their 30’s/40’s that there is something wrong with them? Is it better that they get married just so they could meet the age quota?
The odds are the person sitting on the other end of the table is single as as well & if one would dig around in their closet they would see why. For years I was single & was constantly asked “WHY?” The truth was I didn’t meet anyone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
It didn’t mean that I was broke, needed to be fixed or had baggage (any more/less than anyone else). I didn’t feel the need to explain myself & if someone couldn’t handle my answer I didn’t waste my time on them
Evan, U nailed it! It’s simply a matter of how confident you are. You don’t owe anyone an explanation & if a person isn’t satisfied w/your honest answer than they obviously aren’t the one for you.
Ruby says
Karl R #38
I dated one woman for 6 months. After the first month, I told her that I didn’t see it becoming a serious relationship. Since we were having fun, we continued to date until I met someone whom I wanted to be serious with. That non-serious relationship lasted longer than two of my serious relationships.
I’m curious, what kept you from being more serious with this woman if the relationship was so much fun?
Denise says
Karl #38
That is your experience. Putting together that many men do want to have families, have put off settling down for whatever their reason and are now ready to move forward with that, then end up on dating sites divorced with young children – seems to point to ‘any woman will do’ to me. Guess we’ll agree to disagree 🙂
morgan says
I’m a mid-40s woman, never married and have had to deal with awkward follow-up questions to “Have you ever been married?” numerous times. From “Why not?” to “Well has anyone even proposed to you?” I’ve probably had them all. I can see these guys brains clunking going ‘She’s attractive, smart, good job, seems sane but there must be something wrong with her if no man WANTS TO MARRY HER.
I take these questions, particularly on a first or second date, as a sign of of someone who is simplistic/think inside the box or just plain gauche. Nonetheless, I still dread having to deal with them and am yet to find a way to respond that satisfies me. Launching into a long spiel about how my parents’ marriage and early childhood experiences made me gun shy of committed relationships and how I’ve done a lot of psychotherapy to address this, might be the truth but sometimes the truth is best left unsaid (at least for a time anyway).
I admit to being a hypocrite though as I have a bias against men in my age group who have not had children (particuarly if they state they don’t want them) as I view parenthood (rather than marriage) as a sign of the ability to commit. Which is stupid, given it only takes one sex act to turn you into a parent, and some people are completely uncommitted to their children.
Harriet Bond says
Yes, this is something that seems to plague women more than men; the question of ‘Why aren’t you married yet?’ Sometimes I wonder whether we’ve moved on at all from the Jane Austen era (is that why we English people are, as a nation, obsessed with costume dramas?!), seeing women’s ultimate destiny as marriage, and anything else a ‘failure.’ Loads of women just haven’t found the right man (I am tempted to assert that there are more good women out there than good men, but I am trying not to be cynical!) and it’s something over which we have no control. I have faced with the comment ‘but how come you’re not married? You’re such a catch!’ quite a few times, and have taken it as a straight-up compliment. I do also find it mildly depressing and a bit frustrating! As my blog testifies, I have now all but given up on internet dating….
Annie says
@15.
LOLOL!! I love it!
Joe says
There are a few reasons why someone 35 and older gets this question. (1) The other person is concerned with how many partners he/she has had and worried if they are skanky or slutty or needs to be tested. (2) Obviously the purpose of dating is to figure out if an LTR or marriage is in the future, and determine if he/she wants marriage, children, etc. or if he/she is a commita-phobe who doesn’t want kids.
Karl R says
Joe said: (#45)
“The other person is concerned with how many partners he/she has had and worried if they are skanky or slutty or needs to be tested.”
You really need to educate yourself about STDs.
One of my girlfriends definitely had an STD. She was in her 20s (when we dated), she was a virgin, and she’d gotten the STD from a blood transfusion as a newborn.
My current girlfriend is in her 50s. She was married for 3 years during her early 20s. Based on that information, please tell me how you would determine (1) how many partners she’s had, (2) whether she’s taken precautions, (3) whether she’s slutty, and (4) whether she needs to be tested?
For that matter, I’m in my 40s and I’ve never been married. Based on that information, how would you determine the answers for the same questions as they apply to me?
If you want to know about someone’s sexual history and health, maybe you should ask different questions.
Joe says
Karl, that is the purpose of asking “why are you still single at 40” because if you answer “I can’t commit to a woman because I always cheat on them and have over 100 casual encounters and I hate kids and never want to get married” then that is a major red flag for anyone who is considering marriage to that person. Its not the question – Its how you answer it. Its a nicer way of asking “are you marriage material”?
Karl R says
Joe said: (#47)
“Its not the question — Its how you answer it.”
I’ve been asked the question before (I’m 41, never married). Here was my answer: “For years it just wasn’t a priorty for me. A few years ago I began pursuing serious relationships, but I haven’t met anyone who was a good match for me yet.”
Did that answer cover any of your indirect questions?
Can I commit to a woman?
Have I ever cheated on a woman?
How many casual encounters have I had?
Do I want kids?
Do I hate kids?
Do I ever want to get married?
I answered the question truthfully, the same way I have in the past, and only one of those questions is indirectly answered. (You can infer that I might want to get married, since I’m pursuing serious relationships.)
When you’ve asked women why they’ve never gotten married, have any of them told you that they were habitual cheaters? I’m under the impression that habitual cheaters will lie about that sort of thing.
Joe said: (#47)
“that is a major red flag for anyone who is considering marriage to that person.”
Really?
My girlfriend and I intend to get married (to each other). Neither of us wants kids. If she hated kids, it still wouldn’t be a red flag. She could stay home when I go visit my nieces.
I don’t know how many casual sex partners she’s had. She doesn’t know how many casual sex partners I’ve had. (She believes I’ve had more than her, and she may be right.) Neither of us really care.
Joe said: (#47)
“a nicer way of asking ‘are you marriage material’?”
If you’re trying to be nice, you might want to find a nicer way to ask the question than, “Why haven’t you ever been married?”
If you’re trying discover whether someone is marriage material, you might want to ask questions which will get a useful answer.
Joe says
Okay, re-phrase it to “Have you ever been married or in an LTR” and “Do you ever want to get married” – Also, I could be wrong, but most women under 35 want to have children and want to be married. So any guy who says he hates kids and does not want to be married ever, raises some major red flags. A guy should be honest, and not waste a woman’s time if he has no intention of marrying her ever. Women have a biological clock that runs out after 40, thats a proven fact. Don’t waster her time, and be honest about your intentions. I’m surprised you don’t share your high number, or maybe she doesn’t want to know, but at least get tested and share the results with your wife/gf. Most women want to know if a man/husband is promiscuous, cheater, or has any std.
Andrea says
@Joe,
How many people do you think run around admitting to being a cheater? Does anyone get married and say, “Oh by the way, I plan on taking several lovers during our marriage. Hope you are cool with that.”
Who says most women under 35 want to be married. Who even knows what that number is?
And “promiscuous” is also a subjective term. In some cultures, any number higher than 1 makes you a “slut.” What you consider to be a high number is not the same as the next person. And the longer you are single, the higher that number can be. A 30 or 40 something person who has had a series of relationships will likely have had a good number of sexual partners. I personally don’t see how a consenting adult making responsible decisions about how to use his or her body is “slutty.” A person who has 50 partners and but who uses condoms and gets tested is probably a better bet than a person who has one partner but who takes no precautions.
How many 2nd dates are you getting with this approach? Are you grilling people about whether or not they are sluts and demanding to know how many boyfriends they’ve had and for how long? Do you think that you are coming off as a charming first date?
It doesn’t sound like your approach would be very successful. I can’t imagine that anyone likes being grilled or judged. How could anyone know if they want to marry someone after a handful of meetings? It’s not a lie for a man not to tell a woman that he hasn’t figure out yet.
Karl R. is right. Your questions don’t give you useful information. You pose a bunch of questions that then require that you infer and assume things that are more likely than not incorrect. You are judging people through your own very narrow lens. Karl gave a great example about someone who wasn’t “sluttly” by your definition but who still had an STD. Yet by your reasoning, she would be “safe,” yet she has something that many more sexually experienced women do not have.
And while fertility does diminish as a woman ages, all women have different fertility levels, which aren’t very measurable, so you have women who at 26 cannot get pregnant, and women who at 40 or older can have babies with no problem(w/ no medical help). I know some women who would probably have 12 kids if they had started procreating(or been more careless) in their 20s. So for some people, that delay helps them have smaller families. Everybody is different.
I don’t know how old you are, but you have a biological clock too. If you are over 35, the quality of sperm that you produce is more likely to produce children with spectrum disorders and other genetic defects.
Joe says
I never said that I ask the question, somebody else brought it up. I’m saying if a woman/man asked this question – they are really thinking about the person’s ability for LTR, mental and physical well-being, if they should be tested, etc? If you are looking to find a husband/wife, you want to know if this woman/man even wants to get married or LTR or if they just want to have a casual fling with no strings attached, which is fine in my opinion as well.
MilkyMae says
It’s a shame that our culture has turned the desire to get married into a blemish. Finding a partner is difficult. Why do we need to pontificate or think of a snarky reply when asked this question? These days, I have to search for a man while I pretend having a man is no big deal to me?
Michael17 says
WOW. Do people really ask these questions on a first date? It’s basically a non-issue for me. On the one hand, I’ve dated a divorced woman for a couple years, and I am seeing one how. On the other hand, most of the women I’ve dated (late 20’s up to early 40’s) have never been married, and I have never even thought to wonder why or hold it against them.
Now I DO want to know though, if (a) her status is separated–then it’s a no-go for me, (b) she is still in a relationship and not really available, or (c) she has been married more than once. I admit that (c) is a red flag, as well as (a) and (b).
I’m in my late 30’s and have never been married. As someone who is being evaluated for this (I don’t think I am), I don’t know how having the status of “divorced” would possibly somehow reassure women that I am a better prospect. Maybe that it’s a certification of sorts–if at least one woman found me marriage-able, then on some level I must be OK?
NonExist says
Admittedly when I have met a woman who just had an irresistible charm and we went out a few times i’d ask in a warm tone why she was single.
And usually I’d supplement it with her traits that I thought were just simply alluring.
Of course I slowed down over time because when either of us decided we were not a match long term I kinda felt like a heel for saying it. Especially if I was the one who ended things. *facepalm*
I’ve learned a lot as a guy from Evan’s blog. And I am recommending it to a lot of lady friends who are looking for a husband.
monica says
Very enlightening, very inspiring and very positive comments. Great job helping people become better and see the truth with open eyes.
Renegade says
To corner someone in this way by asking such an indiscreet question is simply bad manners. It is in the same category as asking someone immediately “So why are you divorced?” or “Why don’t you have kids?”. “Why do you have kids” would be in the same category but people never ask that since becoming a parent seems to make you “normal” even though there are some horrible parents out there.
I am not dating right now because I am simply too busy and found meeting possible partners via the internet very frustrating (I think my standards are realistic, I was not expecting instant chemistry, nor model looks, nor a 6 figure income. Just a friendly regular guy who took good care of himself and was able to have a pleasant conversation. But that was already hard to find). But when I was dating THAT question was asked from time to time: “How come a woman like you is still single?” I perceived that question as very judgemental and indiscreet. I have no problem to talk about my relationship history but I refuse to defend myself against someone’s prejudgements. Nothing I will say will be a satisfactory answer for this person because what he is looking for is not an open dialogue but a reason to not pursue the contact. I liked this column by Melanie Notkin: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/single-and-childless-nothing-wrong-with-me_b_5940642.html. I think she remains very friendly with this guy and hits the nail on the head by telling him “if you spend the rest of our date searching for what’s wrong with me, you’ll never discover what’s right with me.” In my view this is what this is really about; looking for a reason to reject a person. If someone really has an open attitude, he/she is patient enough to wait for a moment when discussing each other’s relationship history comes natural and spontaneous.
If I would date again and I come across this kind of “interrogation” I would simply walk away from the date. If a guy cannot behave in a pleasant way on a first date, things will never be pleasant with him. Life is too short to be stuck with a pretentious man on a date.
And of course there is nothing wrong with being single and never having been married. I am in my early fifties, attractive and I have built out a very good life for myself with an interesting career and a comfortable income. A partner is welcome but only if my life will be better with him not worse. When I see the worn out women my age who have been married 25-30 years with a guy they gave a lot to but received very little back from, I know I made the right choice.
James says
Can a career woman accept the man for who he really is even though he doesn’t make a lot of money at all? I really doubt that since most women today are looking for men that have a lot of money, or who are completely rich altogether now unfortunately.
Talley says
There are a lot of women and men in their 40’s and 50’s that have never been married. I don’t think marriage is as important to some.and I also think people are more self absorbed. They are also looking for someone perfect to come along and sweep them off their feet. Unrealistic expectations. It is a new day. There is nothing wrong with being single as a choice but what gets me is when people don’t reflect on themselves and blame the opposite sex for their not being married. Than again, everyone is not meant to be married. Some are just not marriage material. Simple as that. I had a friend ask me why I thought they were not married. Too picky, got a wall up and stuck on themselves. I of course put it in a nicer way. That is not a good person for marriage or a relationship and unfortunately that is what you find in the dating scene. Marriage is a great thing with to people who are open and compromising. The choice word is “Compromising.” That is also hard to find.
DigitalBob says
Honestly I would find such candor refreshing as I tend to be rather open. I mean we all know why we’re on a date, right? So why act like we’re not in search of a partner? I think the best way to answer this or any question for that matter is straight-up honesty and I would consider it a positive that someone has that much interest in bettering themselves. And if someone can’t handle and appreciate honesty you don’t want to be in a relationship with them.