Are You Taking Advantage Of All Your Opportunities To Find Love?

You have standards.

You know what you’re worth.

And you’re never gonna settle for less.

I’m right there with you. (Boy, am I there with you!)

As a result of my high standards, I became a dating coach. I may have been labeled a “serial dater” by CNN when I was 32, but I was actually one of those rare guys who took his love life seriously at a young age. My parents were married for 30 years before my dad passed away, and it was their amazing marriage that I’ve always wanted to emulate.

You should never give up your standards, but… you’re quite possibly passing up the love of your life right this very moment.

When you have such a high bar to jump, you’ll likely find that most people fall short.

I’m sure you feel the same way. You’ve spent way too much time spinning your wheels on the wrong men to give up your lofty standards NOW.

As your friend, I want to tell you that you should never give up your standards, but that you’re quite possibly passing up the love of your life right this very moment.

I spent ten years dating online, passing up amazing women, and finding plenty of justifications for it. Then I figured out what I was doing wrong.

Click here to learn what you’ve been doing wrong in online dating – and, more importantly, learn how to get it RIGHT.

No doubt about it, you and I have some seriously high (and well-deserved!) standards.

Which partially explains how, between the ages of 25-35, I dated over 300 women.

I’m not proud of that. That’s a lot of failed dates, complete with all the rejection, confusion, and frustration that comes with them.

The silver lining to all of these experiences was that, as I got older, I found myself making much better decisions.

No more dysfunctional relationships with hot, toxic women.

No more jealous fights with women who had been burned in the past.

No more tolerance for petty insecurities or highly critical partners.

My taste was getting better and the quality of my girlfriends was consistently higher.

But it was January, 2007 and I was still single – despite writing a book called “Why You’re Still Single”! And all the money and media accolades in the world couldn’t take the sting out of that irony.

Then, I met a woman at a party.

We talked all night.

We started hanging out once a week, then twice a week.

We never fought. We always laughed.

Two years later, we were married.

And (here’s the punch line)…

I never, never, never would have written to her on Match.com.

Did I say never? I mean NEVER! And my reasons were justified…

She was 38. I was 35. Online, I set my search parameters for 25-36. I wanted to have kids but I didn’t want to feel rushed by a ticking clock.

She lived in North Hollywood. I lived in West Hollywood. If you know Los Angeles, she’s geographically undesirable. No one wants to hop on a freeway to spend the night.

She’s Catholic, I’m Jewish. I’m not religious, but why should I complicate things with my future children?

She’s right-leaning, I’m left-leaning. I actually lean a lot harder than she does, which makes the fact that she doesn’t agree with me even more intolerable.

We don’t give perfectly amazing people a chance. And then we complain that there’s no one out there to date.

These are just the criteria that would prevent me from seeing her in a SEARCH.

But what if she had an average photo next to her attractive blonde friends?

What if she wrote a generic essay that was overly reliant on adjectives and clichés?

What if she quit after one month on Match because she couldn’t find any good guys?

I never would have met my wife online for two reasons: because I wasn’t open enough to see her good qualities, and because she wasn’t putting the proper effort into online dating.

This is the essence of why it’s so hard to connect.

We don’t give perfectly amazing people a chance. And then we complain that there’s no one out there to date.

This is a belief we create to justify our single status.

And yet it’s really, really easy to think it’s true.

God knows, you’ve probably wondered whether there was anyone out there for you.

I promise you, there is. You may just be surprised at the packaging.

To make sure you see how this applies to YOU, check out the first CD in my Finding the One Online audio series, where I help you shape your mindset for online dating success.

If I had known when I was 25 what I finally figured out at 35, it DEFINITELY wouldn’t have taken me 300 dates to find the love of my life. If you want to stop wasting time pursuing the wrong men, click here.

But before you go, I want to relate to you one more story.

It’s the story of a client named Tina who invested in me as her dating coach for my 12-Week Commitment Course.

As part of her training in understanding the opposite sex, I recommended she take a weekend course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women. During the program, the course leader brings three men on stage to share their points of view.

Tina, an attractive, successful 41-year-old from the Midwest, watched the men as they walked across the stage and sat down for their roundtable discussion.

Before they spoke, she sized them each up individually: Would I date this guy or not?

If I had known when I was 25 what I finally figured out at 35, it DEFINITELY wouldn’t have taken me 300 dates to find the love of my life.

“No,” was her silent verdict.

First guy was too heavy.

Second guy was too old and grey.

Third guy was too short.

No one was her type. No big deal. That’s life. Besides, she was just watching these men on stage. She wasn’t really evaluating them as dating candidates.

Then Tina heard the men speak.

All were bright, articulate, and self-aware. After fifteen minutes of listening to them, it occurred to her that she would actually date ANY of them.

That wasn’t her REAL revelation.

But this was:

These men were the same exact guys she was ignoring every day on Match.com!

Too short. Too fat. Too old. Too far away. Too whatever.

This is wisdom.

This is power.

This is the kind of insight that changes lives.

It’s one thing for me to tell you, “Remain open to the unexpected!” It’s another thing to figure that out for yourself. But I’ll tell you, pretty much all of my friends who have gotten married have opened up to something that didn’t fit their ideal archetype.

Pretty much all of my friends who have gotten married have opened up to something that didn’t fit their ideal archetype.

One woman compromised on money.

One man compromised on age.

Another woman compromised on distance.

Another man compromised on race.

Another woman compromised on disability.

Remember, these are the people who are FINDING each other, and forging LASTING PARTNERSHIPS, while the rest of us scramble around with our checklists, deeming everyone unfit for our love.

As a lifelong bachelor dating coach who finally got married in 2008, I am not saying that you should settle, that I know better than you, or that you should give up all hopes of finding a transcendent love.

I’m just saying that you don’t know what you don’t know.

And until you open up to the unknown, you have no idea what you’re missing.

I’d have missed my own spouse.

You might be doing the same thing. Click here and I’ll help you find the partner you deserve.

Join our conversation (53 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Mona

    Never have I posted a comment before, but I just had to this time. Evan, I am recently divorced and discovered your blog last April. In September, keeping in mind the advice I have read on here, and to look out for new experiences and opportunities, and started dating one of the most amazing men  that I have ever met. Actually, he’s one of the best human being I have ever met in my life, and that’s saying a lot. Is he a little short? Yes. Does he have a bit of a belly to lose? Yes. Is he Jewish and I am not? Yep. Am I perfect? NO WAY! Do we get along incredibly well and I can’t imagine how 5 months has gone by and we are still together, and things keep getting better and better? YESSSSSS.
    He had to open up and date outside his faith, as did I (not that either of us is “super” religious anyway….). He’s had to compromise on my flair for drama and predilection for spending too much on girly products like makeup and perfume. I’ve had to compromise on him being more quiet and stoic than I am used to, and his fondness for shoe shopping. However, somehow we make it work and I really see a good future with this man. I am blessed to have found him, and we both ask each other, still, at least 5 times a week… “How did we get so lucky?” We both feel that we have found a goldmine in each other….. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. 🙂
    You give the BEST advice, Evan. Keep it up. I love reading your blog, every day…. You tell it how it is, and from a man’s point of view. Good job, sir! (And many many blessings to you and your family!! Congratulations….!)

  2. 2
    Honey

    Even if you find someone who meets all your crazy criteria, they will have lots of flaws you didn’t anticipate and you will end up compromising just as much anyway! 

  3. 3
    Shay

    That’s right, Honey. We can only try to make sure those flaws are small things that would not drive us crazy.

  4. 4
    Bill

    You can be as picky as you like and stay single.

  5. 5
    Jadafisk

    So what happens to women who just cannot generate sexual feelings for people that they’re not physically attracted to – the ones that they’d pass over on sight/in search? Does it mean that they’re unlikely to find love unless they conclude that feeling desirable is a sufficient substitute for feeling desire?

  6. 6
    SS

    @5
    Those women should move on.
     
    No one is saying to continue a relationship or try to build one with a man or woman in which you have NO sexual feelings for whatsoever… Evan is talking about people eliminating prospects before they even know if they have sexual feelings for them or physical attraction. People are too quick to eliminate other people that COULD be amazing for them just because they don’t have immediate attraction or because those people “aren’t their type.” … that’s the issue.

  7. 7
    Rose

    What a great post, Evan. Thank  you.

  8. 8
    Stacy

    Evan,

    This is a great post. I think it highlights the flaws of online dating. I know you’d disagree with me – which is ok, after all you’ve built a successful business around it, but I really think that online dating can only get you so far and should not be relied upon in finding love.

    People tend to objectify each other online. This is natural – all I am seeing is a (sometimes bad) photo and a generic description. Wit, kindness, positive attitude – none of this can be communicated through the computer screen. Ergo, the second best thing is to check your quantitative criteria – age, distance, income – and quickly narrow down the list of potential candidates.

    I actually had a similar experience – met a guy in a social situation, liked each other, hit it off. He’s the type of guy I would’ve NEVER responded on match. For one, he’s GU, for two he’s not a white-collar ivy-league type I’d usually go for – albeit very successfull with his own business.

    My conclusion, though, would be different from yours. Instead of killing yourself going on hundreds of dates from match, most of which are likely to fail, singles need to get out and socialize more. At any big enough party you’d be able to talk to 20 people in one night and get a real FEEL for whether you like this person or not, something you can’t get from a computer screen. It would take you more than a month to go on that many first dates from online. Talk about efficiency.

    Match is an ok medium of meeting people. But seeing it as your main way of meeting people is really a mistake.

    1. 8.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Stacy – Fair enough. Are you meeting anyone in “real life”? If so, great. If not, Match is the single best source of single people on earth, unless you can prove otherwise.

      1. 8.1.1
        S

        But you shouldn’t be limiting yourself to just online dating anyway.  I’ve fallen into that trap before.  You should be open to meeting men in many different ways, and yes, devoting some time to going out and actively meeting men IRL just as much as online dating.

  9. 9
    Vanessa

    Evan @ 9,

    I agree with your comment to Stacy @ 8. I have never had so many dates in my entire life so easily!! Meeting that many people in “real life” takes a lot more time and effort. I have found tons of great guys to date, including my current amazing boyfriend, on Match. And, oh, I am 41 and a single mother.

    Many thanks Evan.

  10. 10
    Stacy

    Evan,

    Of course – I meet people everywhere. I fact, I met my ex-b/f on match – so I can appreciate the value of it. That said, most match dates tend to be extremely low-quality and overdosing on them can cause dating burnout and impact one’s selfesteem. I am sure that it is also a function of location and one’s age group though, a 41 yo in Tennessee and a 28 yo in NYC will have drastically different dating experiences and options on- and off-line.

  11. 11
    Aya

    Dear Evan,

    I understand what you’re saying to Stacy, but she’s right that your post highlights the flaws of online dating. I also want to add to that, that I have dated online quite a lot, and dated people of high quality, but- I find that the biggest problem is that people expect a really fast progression of things. Meaning, these are nice people that I would like to know better, but they seem to want the physical part too quickly for my taste. If I had met these men offline, or not for the stated reason of dating- this pressure would not exist, and I could get to know them better.
    I come to the same point where either they end it because they feel that I am not attracted to them, or I end it for the same reason. This usually happens around the third or fourth date. I tried actually telling them I need time, and they say I’m worth the wait, but still around the third date, the wait is over..

  12. 12
    Denise

    #11 & #12

    Totally agree with you both, ESPECIALLY this:

    overdosing on them can cause dating burnout and impact one’s self esteem.

    On line dating also doesn’t often provide a ‘story’, how the couple met, which is usually something endearing or surprising.  (Like Evan’s story!)

    I wouldn’t say not to do on line dating, but there are significant drawbacks.  And if you’re going to do it, put yourself in the best position possible like investing in Evan’s on line tools and advice.  What I do say about on line dating though is it keeps one in the ‘game’, you know, ‘use it or lose it’ 🙂

  13. 13
    Annie

    @5 Ahh..Jada.

    I met a man, some time back(4 years?). I met him onlie, not dating website, but through playing online computer games. (yep, geeky gaming chick here!!). I didnt’ know what he looked like, but within the first week of spending time with him(online), he seemed amazing.

    It took 6 months before we could finally meet(We lived across country). He was very average looking, my hieght, slim build, nothing special physically. He was very nerdy, intellectual type.

    When he first touched me, on my shoulder in a way that was “subtly” intimate, I couldnt’ stop shaking. I was so excited I almost melted into the floor.

    Although for a number of reasons(I wont’ get into), we couldn’t work out, I learnt more from my time with him, than I had in my whole life.

    When you really like some-one, and get to know them…the chemistry is simply there. But I would have passed this man on the street as being a very average, older guy, without anything to “offer”.

    But until you’ve experienced this type of Personal chemistry(rather than physical), you cannot know. It is  so amazing.

    I think that’s what Evan is really saying. He’s not expecting you to be with a man, you will never feel chemistry with. But you may be amazed, that if you give a bloke a chance, that chemistry, like you’ve never felt, will build up and you will be very happy and excited to be with him.

  14. 14
    Annie

    @12 Aya.

    I’m with ya on that one. I find that the online thing, seems to cause a very quick progression. IE, after 1 or 2 dates, sex is on the cards. It’s way too much, and too soon and I cannot deal with it. It’s why I got off the online dating. I may join up again, but I hate that pressure, and I began to really begin to dislike men and the pressure they put on me.

    So I stopped. I just need to figure out a way to deal with it, and not get offended or hurt by it. Not sure how to manage that one.

  15. 15
    Denise

    #15

    You’re not an innocent bystander in your life, defenseless in regard to what others ‘do’ to you.  Consider changing your whole mindset that it’s YOUR life and you want to live it the way you feel is best for you–that’s in regard to work, men, friends.

    How about setting your expectations right up front, on the first date, in a conversational tone (vs. accusatory or negative), and if you like the guy and think there might be multiple dates?  It’s not that difficult, but does take some courage.  I guarantee, if he’s a decent guy, he will admire your ability to exert your boundary and let him know what your boundary is without game playing or him trying to read your mind.  Then let him make up his mind if that works for him.

  16. 16
    Joe

    I think that a little bit of the pressure can sometimes come from the fact that meeting people “organically” (through friends, in social situations, etc.) usually doesn’t cost a lot of money.  You’re usually doing something you’d like to do anyway, without the pressure of buying dinner or being bought dinner.

    Also, as alluded to earlier, meeting people online has basically one express purpose: to date.  Organically, you can each rationalize things as, “oh, we’re just hanging out.”

  17. 17
    Liz

    #16

    Explaining your expectations on the first date? That seems to be the exact opposite of what Evan would advise. Even if it’s in a “conversational tone.”

  18. 18
    Stacy

    Joe #17

    When you’re meeting organically, you don’t need to “rationalize” – you ARE just hanging out. In my case we hang out multiple types at a friends’ beach house, went to clubs with a larger group of friends, did bbq, etc. We had things/friends in common. There was a connection before a romantic connection.

    Whith online dating it is very mechanical. There’s no connection other than you belonging to the same dating service.
    I’d be curious to hear Evan’s suggestions about how to navigate this with integrity.

  19. 19
    Annie

    @16 and @18.

    I know my own boundaries and know that I can “say no’.  I’m not however going to bring up on a first date “Oh btw, I’m not going to sleep with you until I’m ready and I’m not sure how long that will be”.

    Male expectations of immediate intimacy, wether I say no or not as some kind of proof for them that I’m interested, simply wear me down and makes me realize how many men feel entitled to something they have not yet earned. I’m an invisible walking talking vagina to them. I just need a break from it.

    The last male “friend” who propositiond me for sex, did so, via text, the day he got engaged.(No he and I were not FWB, or dating or anything, just friends). Enough years of that shit, and you can get rather disillusioned no matter how much you try not to be.

    It’s the one area, I most struggle with, with dating and has actually some-what turned me off intimacy with me. Hence the need for a break. I still read and learn though.

  20. 20
    Annie

    That was intimacy with “men” not me. haha…that I’m fine with. 😛

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