How Do I Let Men Know I’m Not Out of Their League?

Hi Evan, I just turned 37. I am very attractive and smart and down-to-earth. I love helping people and have the biggest heart. I am a positive person and smile a lot and I can’t seem to find the right guy AT ALL. I have first dates then second dates, then the guy sees my classic Jaguar and my luxury apartment and he thinks that I am out of his league. I was told that a couple of times.

I met a handsome professor and he was a good person with a great heart but he continued to ask me over and over why I was going out with him when I could have any man that I want. I am not arrogant and sometimes try to play down my looks and the Jag. Men will say “Ooh, nice car” and I’ll say “Oh, it’s old.” Are men thinking that I am too expensive? Do they think I’m out of their league? I don’t have a league — I just want to meet a nice guy! Help… Niki

Niki,

Let’s flip this over, shall we?

Good looking guy with a big heart and a fat wallet drives a Ferrari. (It’s his second car — the Jag is in the shop).

The only men you can intimidate are the WRONG men.

He goes out on a first date with you. You look at him and swoon, before asking the very serious question: “I don’t get it. Why are you single? You could have anyone.”

He says, earnestly, with a sad smile, “I just haven’t met the right girl.”

You reply, “I get that, but how can I possibly trust you? You’re 37. You’ve probably been with a hundred women. And from everything I’ve experienced, guys like you aren’t solid relationship bets. You’re a lifetime bachelor with looks and money. You’re an alpha male with testosterone and ego. My dating coach told me to run from guys like you and stick with nice guys who want commitment.”

He says, “I am a nice guy — who just happens to be successful. I am very much looking for a wife and family. You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

I don’t know about you, Niki, but I’m sold.

And any guy who chooses to engage you beyond your looks and car will be sold on you as well.

As I’ve said repeatedly, the only men you can intimidate are the WRONG men.

A guy who feels the need to run away because he can’t handle your beauty, success or kindheartedness is nothing but an unfortunate and pathetic little man.

Good riddance to men who are afraid of Ferraris or perfect bodies or PhDs.

They don’t even count in my world.

If you are as great as you say you are, you should have no shortage of quality suitors.

I guess the only question I could ask you is the same question I’d ask of any man who perpetually finds that women are “intimidated” by him: How come you’re letting people get intimidated by you? Why aren’t they seeing your friendly, open, warm, vulnerable side?

If you were a comedian, at a certain point, you can’t keep insisting that you’re funny but “nobody gets the joke”.

As a single person, at a certain point, you can’t keep insisting that “all men” are intimidated by you, no more than a woman who suggests that all men are liars, players, losers or perverts.

It’s easy for you to sit back and say, “I’m great, but no one can handle me.”

It’s harder — and more important — for you to look in the mirror and figure out why.