I Am Breaking Up a Good Relationship Because My Girlfriend Won’t Change Her Priorities

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I’m not looking for advice, but I just wanted to say that (as a man) you give solid advice to women. A good female friend of mine found her fiancé as a result of reading your advice. Your advice regarding women with unusual or difficult schedules is spot-on. Sadly, I’m going to have to end a fairly good relationship tomorrow with a smart, cute, funny woman. Why? Her priorities.

She’s been either in school or a high-powered job her entire life. As an achiever, those have been her focuses. She’s never made a man her focus. I’m OK with not being her #1, but between her many (and growing) friends, hobbies, and endeavors, I find it increasingly difficult to spend an acceptable amount of time with her.

If you have a boyfriend who only has one night a week for you, I would encourage you to dump him.

The last straw was when she decided to work at a year-long weekend festival both Saturday and Sunday mornings. She had been working Saturday when we met and I was okay with that. It’s not a money thing but more of a do-gooder thing to her. In any case, she took my understanding a little for-granted and added the second day before mentioning it to me. She would be far too “independent” to go back to one day a weekend, because she doesn’t “do things just for guys.”

It’s not unusual for her to tell me that “I have dinner with a friend Monday, an event on Tuesday, a soccer game on Thursday, a meeting on Friday, and the festival Saturday (and now) again on Sunday. Do you have Wednesday or sometime during the day on the weekends open?” Since, I’m also somewhat busy, the answer is often no. She’s exhausted most of the time when we do hang out.

The thing is she genuinely loves me and I know she will be hurt when she gets the news that this is just too hard for me. I’m a flexible, secure, giving man but I have my limits. Like I said, Evan, I never asked to be her #1, but being her #10 isn’t going to work. I don’t take it personally — this is how her past relationships have gone.

The sad part is that she really doesn’t perceive that her life is inaccessible for a man. I’m a tough guy but being made to feel like I’m the leftover backup plan, however unintentionally, is just not what I want in a partner.

It will be tough telling her that I’m out. I grew up with a mother who was so “involved” in the community and career that my Dad and me were just filler time. I feel the same dynamic with this lady and I don’t want that for me or my eventual kids. This woman has a severe fear of ending up old and alone, and yet it’s not enough to make her change her behavior. I have communicated my position and her enthusiastic promises to “chill out a bit” and “open up my calendar” haven’t been kept. Add in kids and I just don’t know whether I’d have an absentee mother on my hands.

Relationship needs are relationship needs and people who refuse to compromise — regardless of gender — can’t be too surprised when they find themselves alone.

Life is about choices and I feel like an increasing number of women are lying to themselves about that reality. When two things truly conflict you have to pick one, you just can’t have it all at the same time. Healthy things like “compromise” are now frowned upon by women’s advice-givers. The college lifestyle of being busy all the time is taken further and further into adulthood. It’s all just enough to push a good, progressive guy like me towards a more traditional woman, even if she’s not as degreed or professionally successful.

What I feel really bad about is that I won’t be single for more than a week or two, but she could be entering another year-long bout of men who never call after the first date.

Feel free to print this if you think your readers would find it helpful.

Cheers!

Austin

Thank you, Austin. It’s rare when I print anything that I didn’t write myself, but this is a valuable anecdote that is more powerful than anything I could have made up myself.

And for any woman who gets her hackles up that another woman is being told to compromise because she can’t “have it all”, let’s just say that nothing would change if the genders were reversed. If you have a boyfriend who only has one night a week for you, I would encourage you to dump him as well, no matter how much you loved him. Relationship needs are relationship needs and people who refuse to compromise — regardless of gender — can’t be too surprised when they find themselves alone.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Sabine

    Karmic 37.5.1.1 – I think men do know at some point pretty early if they want to marry you or   they are really considering it. They may not ask, but they know. However, if you are together too long (YEARS ) is usually points to “no marriage”. As for kids, if a man is considering having children (and thinks you’re the one he wants to have them with) he’ll bring it up in conversation because he doesn’t want to waste his time either. I agree women need to be emotionally available but it should be to find the RIGHT HIGH QUALITY MAN. If you meet the right guy, why not marry in your 20’s? Even though I love children, I was not ready by any means ready to get married in my early 20’s….not even close.

    1. 41.1
      Karmic Equation

      “If you meet the right guy, why not marry in your 20”²s? Even though I love children, I was not ready by any means ready to get married in my early 20”²s….not even close.”
        
      My post doesn’t contradict this. You’re confirming what I wrote.
        
      In my response to 37.5.1, I didn’t advocate for anyone to marry in their 20s. Rather I advocated women look seriously for a potential husband (read High Quality Man) in her (late) 20s and marry him in her early 30s. I also wrote “…dump the unworthy quickly” and “…while in her 20s SHOULDN’T marry in her 20s…” but finding one she “…WANTS to marry in her late 20s and marrying him in her 30s.”

  2. 42
    AlHeart

    What this comes down to is Austin can simply not accept his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend for who she is. Which means, they simply are not compatible. This neither makes him or her wrong. This neither means that she is deficient in some way either. She is who she is.  
      
    He made a mention about his own experience with his mother and how he felt him and his Dad where just “filler time”. It is clear that Austin has gravitated to a similar dynamic for a reason. He appears to be very attracted to the qualities this woman posses, probably somewhat due to similarities to his mother,   while still trying to reconcile with them at the same time.  
      
    I have no issue with Austin calling off the relationship if it isn’t working out for him. Austin and this woman both appear to be a bit uncompromising.
      
    I am lead to believe by the way Austin talks about this relationship that he is very mildly passive aggressive. Why you may ask? He clearly makes mention that she genuinely loves him but he makes no mention that he loves her. He appears to care for her, but he does not admit to love though he talks about her genuine love for him. He assumes that because he feels second rate in the relationship, that other men she sees will feel the same exact way, dictating that her life is all around inaccessible for men because it feels inaccessible for him. He mentions about how “an increasing number of women are lying to themselves” and how apparently women are not compromising like they should be. Even though I personally find that in our modern society, compromise is not something many men or women want to do. He talks about what a progressive guy he is but alludes to being willing to basically settle for a more traditional woman. It sounds like Austin wants it all even as he talks about compromise. He wants a successful woman but will settle for a more traditional woman. Which is just as insulting to successful women as it is to more traditional women and all the varying combinations inbetween. And of course, the last comment about how he won’t be single for long but she will be. After all, he is a great catch and apparently she isn’t.  
      
    I have no issue with Austin’s concern. I have issues with how Austin made this personal issue he has with his probably-now-ex-girlfriend into some cautionary tale for all women and all the ills he perceives modern women are falling into.  

    1. 42.1
      Mohoto

      I completely agree with you.
      As far as I can see, the people who are being accused of defending the girl, aren’t really defending the girl nor are they saying Austin is in the wrong for walking, just pointing out Austin’s passive aggressiveness.

  3. 43
    Mohoto

    I agree with people who said that Austin sounds kind of apathetic and condescending, suggesting that his (ex)gf even wants to be in a relationship right now(or ever), and just from the letter, I also agree that it doesn’t seem like he tried to take interests in her life too much(neither did she, it sounds like for that matter)
    Having said that, I AM NOT PUTTING THE BLAME ON AUSTIN!!!
    I agree that he’s right to break up because his needs aren’t met, and this goes for if the position’s being reversed. No matter what gender you are, you should walk if you find that neither of you can compromise. There COULD be things that one can do about the situation but he is NOT AT FAULT.

  4. 44
    Don

    This letter struck a cord with me, as I too have gone thru the same scenario, my only difference being that I was actually married to my spouse. The last few years of my marriage, I was left to feel like on a list of 1-10, me and marriage were ranked 9 and 10.
    As you stated, relationships do need that quality time to grow and flourish, but when that effort isn’t made by both parties, it will lead to a breakdown in communications and the core of what you both initially built to come into that relationship in the first place.
    I can understand Austin’s dilemma, as I too struggled with it for a long time and eventually had to walk away, the situation was becoming toxic and affecting me on all levels, so for the sake of losing love and caring more about my spouse’s happiness, I stepped aside.  
    Now,almost 3 years later, I’m at my peace without and have never had any ill will for my ex, only 1 regret in that she didn’t put an effort into dealing with our situation and resolving it.
    Best thought I can share: Being driven and having goals is a great thing, but if you have someone special in your life, remember that, cherish it and keep your mind open that they’ll want your time and attention just as much and will revel in your successes as much as you do.
      

  5. 45
    kelly james

    I’m having the same problem, but she tells me I don’t no or want a healthy relationship, she works, goes to school part time and hangs with her one friend and spends 3% with me. Been together only a month we fight about it, iv told her the problem I broke it off and she’s confused all of a sudden. I need to know how to get her to understand we cant work it out if we can’t spend time together its like what has been said I’m filler and she can say she has a boy friend I’m sick of it but don’t want to sound mean, but as an example she was at a birthday party she knew I had to work, she said I should come over to the party around 8 o’clock 2 hours before I worked as if she said it just to say she asked me. So what I think is what Jack Nicholson said when he was asked how do you write women so well and he replied I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.

    1. 45.1
      Julia

      Uh, you’ve been with her for a month. Man up and break it off, you think you’re going to change someone you’ve known for 30 days? Evan’s advice hold true for men too. If she’s unavailable and not treating you well, LEAVE.

      1. 45.1.1
        Bazian

        “Man up?”   Who are YOU to say anything about what being a MAN is?

  6. 46
    Arnie

    This women is selfish selfcenterd selfserving all roads lead back to me leav this women likse a bad habit and never daet a nothere like her agen I know you have had a talk with her befor and she whent back on her ward that it would change and any one! who says ow your not giving her a chance are the same people as her trying to defend what thay are doing theam selves Bro she is just not in to you if she was it would not look like this run run run! SHE is only truly in love with herself! Don’t ever put up with this behaver   from any one.
      

    1. 46.1
      starthrower68

      It’s funny how we can cast character aspersions on people whom we don’t know from Adam.   It’s more likely that neither one of them are bad people.   They are simply not a good match, and it’s not the right relationship at the right time.   They both have the complete right to move on if it’s not working for either one of them.   Life is funny.   One minute, we don’t want to commit to someone, but then the next we’re ready to sacrifice everything for someone else.     

  7. 47
    Arnie Rogers

      sounds like some people are trying to justify there selves and what there doing to some one eles   ! You know who you are you are a lie and a cheat cheating that other person out of your time by doing this you are saying through your actions and actions speak louder then wards that thay are jut not that importint to you .What you are offering is not the real thing and for me I need the real thing especily if that some one is suppose to be the one the rest of my life .I want some one who wants my as much as I want theam   I want real love not the shadow of it ! If you cant give that to me then you can not have me and all the gifts I bring love real love will never do this cind of self serve garbeg real love makes you want to be near this person as much as posibel I know becues I have ben marid for 13 years and I stiel love my wife like this she is everything to me my hole world and are 3 kids she is a pharm D I stel want her like a glass of sweet ice tea on hot sumer day I need and want her and her me  ! Do you real want some ones scraps ? are you not worth more?

  8. 48
    Stephanie

    I, for one, cannot stand men who expect me to give up my life and become a housewife with four kids who serves his needs in a one-sided fashion and abandons hope for travel, a career, friends, and a life of my own. There are a lot of men out there who resent well-educated women with money and freedom.
    The nice guys claim they are such a catch but are Mama’s boys who want women to dote on them with nothing in return and take orders from them, because they ‘represent’ family values. I have never wanted a family and have made this clear, only to be subjected to controlling and disrespectful behavior from men who already knew this, and thought they could change my mind and make me have kids I didn’t want, which I would be raising myself without any help. As my mother pointed out, the men who are least capable of taking care of a family want them the most and are always the ones who think it is a woman’s job to do so and that they can tell women what to do.

    I am not against marriage, but am glad I passed on these Mama’s boys, nice guys. and family-style men who restrict women’s freedom and resent their independence. They also think that women who like and want sex are sluts, that they are too feminist and liberated, that they have too many opinions, that they cause trouble by saying no and not doing what a guy wants ‘as they are supposed to’, that they are baby incubators, that they are domestic servants, and that they have to be perfect-looking and not expect anything from a guy, even willing to date someone twenty years older and butt-ugly. They think they all want money and are bitches for leaving bad or pointless relationships, and hate all the women who turned them down or ended relationships with them. Not a catch, I would rather be single. Don’t assume it is hard out there for women, it isn’t, and it isn’t some magic-land all the time for men. That is a fantasy.

  9. 49
    Tony

    I am going thru the same scenario myself. I have been married for five years and I am completely miserable. My wife has admitted on her own that she knows she takes me for granted and does not make me a priority in the marriage. She apologizes and says shes sorry but I’m getting to a point where sorry isn’t good enough. I have made my feelings very clear to her and she acknowledges that my complaints are justified. She will either tell me that she is going to try harder to make me a priority, which things may change for a month and go back to the way they were, or she just shuts down and doesn’t say anything. I feel like a dog chasing my own tail sometimes. She would walk to the ends of the earth for a complete stranger and give them her last dollar while she ignores me, except when it favors her.

    Things were not like this when we were dating but they changed after (Bait and Switch) we got married so its not like this is how it was and then I expected change afterwards. From the very beginning she said our relationship was too good to be true and it wasn’t going to last. Her exes weren’t exactly prince charming and i don’t think she knows how to be with someone whos good to her. She’s been burned too many times to show vulnerability or something. The ironic thing is shes ruining it I just don’t think its consciously. I guess my dilemma in the whole situation is that I know part of it is not her fault. When we were dating she was only required to work 40 hours a week and then when the economy tanked she was told she needed to work a minimum 48 hours a week. She has a job that requires her to work a lot during the holidays, they even tell her what days she has to work. Once this change was made she was living at work 3 months out of the year then she got promoted its now 6 months out of the year shes never around. Now shes telling me her boss is giving her special projects over the summer since its slow and shes going to have to go out of town a lot. So now shes already at work all the time during the winter and now shes going to be on the road half of the summer. I told her that I wasn’t happy with the whole summer thing and she just expects me to be understanding. I feel like the more I give in the more she expects from me.

    I understand that she is required to work 48 hours a week but she has an OCD perfectionist type of personality. She will not leave work until everything looks exactly the way she wants it to. She has a hard time delegating because her employees wont do things to her liking so she works 60 hours a week just so everything is perfect and I feel like its at my expense. She also is a worry wort, she just cant function in life without worrying and this is another thing she admits to, she wasn’t like this in the beginning. She told me when she doesn’t have anything to worry about shes worried that she doesn’t have something to be worried about. That makes a lot of sense. I find it hard to believe that she has developed these traits in the last 4 years so I feel like she hid it from me in order not to run me off. She says being her is exhausting sometimes but believe me being married to her is even more exhausting. She teaches Sunday school in her “spare” time and comes home complaining about how bad the kids were and how tired she is. Well than stop doing it!

    I was lucky enough to get a job working from home 80% of the time which I know Im lucky for that but I just end up doing more around the house. I wash the dishes, take out the trash, cook, run errands and I never complain. I even do things for my mother-in-law. My wife usually doesn’t get home until 8 or 9 most nights and shes usually tired and in a bad mood. I spend an hour listening her complain about whatever she is worried\upset about and IF she asks me how my day was Im too emotionally exhausted to talk about it. A lot of the things she is upset about are warranted and I try to listen and be supportive but I feel like shes turned me into her psychiatrist. I also don’t feel like I get much in return as selfish as that may sound. She is a very impatient person and a control freak, she complains constantly about everything, She has a heart attack every time she catches a red light or train, things she has no control over. She flew off the handle one morning because I woke up early to surprise her with breakfast in bed and she bit my head off because I was being too loud in the kitchen. If I did that to her she would be in tears. She tells me she appreciates me all of the time but she sure has a funny way of showing it. When I stand up to her she either gets defensive or she shuts down. I think shes pretty immature for 37.

    Not to mention the fact that our sex life has become almost non existent. My birthday and our anniversary are best two days out of the year for me. She told me after we got married that she could go 3 weeks at a time not having sex (shes 5 years older than me btw) and that’s about what its become. In fact the last argument we had about sex she told me she would be fine never having sex again. She knows its important to me, i feel closer to her when we have sex not to mention its a great stress reliever. She has the nerve to tell me she feels like shes just a vagina to me. I don’t know how she could say that when I kiss her and tell her I lover her everyday,buy her jewelry, send her flowers, take her on dates when shes available, rub her back shoulders and feet when shes tired AND play psychiatrist. I pull out the massage table, light candles, put on sexy music and offer to give her a massage. I think she turns me down because she knows I want something in return. At least I’m trying to work for it.

    My wife has low self esteem and is very insecure. I compliment her body she tells me Im crazy, If I touch her she grabs my hand and moves it off. If I walk in the bedroom when shes half naked she flies off the handle that I always walk in on her when shes naked. I dont do it on purpose but sorry I want to see my own wife naked. Shes emotionally needy and Im physically needy and Im not just talking sex. I like to kiss and touch but shes not interested. She pays more attention to her cats and when I get jealous and complain she tells me that those cats were there for her when no one else was. Well is that an excuse to push me out?

    I had a job last year that I was no longer happy at. I was given a supervisor who was a controlling pain the rump and I came home everyday pissed off. After a couple of months of me being mad all the time my wife told me if I didn’t find a new job she was moving out because she couldn’t take me anymore, now she tells me she was just kidding. I said uh I don’t feel sorry for you Ive been putting up with the same thing for 4 years. After I got my new job I’m a new man I am so happy I left. I suggested to her that maybe its time for her to find a new job and she told me shes happy with her job, could have fooled me. I have suggested we go to counseling and she told me that she knows what she needs to do she just needs to do it. That was like 2 years ago. When I get mad about all of this she says well you said for better or for worse. I said for better or worse not for worse and worse and worser.

    It takes a lot to push me but Ive made up my mind that if this summer is anything like the last 6 months were than Im out. I try to be the best husband I can be but it seems like no matter what I do its for nothing. My mother-in-law and all of my wife’s friends tell her how great I am too her and how lucky she is to have me but for some reason she just doesn’t feel the need to show me she appreciates me. My mother-in-law also told her if I left it would be her fault but she just gets mad at her for saying that. Everybody tells me they wouldn’t put up with it and they would have left by now but for some reason I just cant do it. I know if I left she would be devastated and I think it would be stupid to throw it all away but if shes not willing to compromise than it makes me feel like she doesn’t care The decision is getting easier. My friend said to me the grass is greener on the other side, sounds to me like your grass is dead and not coming back.

    1. 49.1
      Karmic Equation

      Hi Tony,

      I’m so sorry to hear this. You sound like a great guy.

      I just finished reading two books, which I think might help your situation.

      One is “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman )

      The other is “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller )

      It sounds to me you haven’t quite figured out her Love Language yet (sound like you’ve tried at least three of the five). And it sounds as if she has an avoidant attachment style, while you’re secure, which is why you’ve been so patient.

      I think reading those books will at least help you understand yourself better and in so doing help your relationship. And help you decide whether you should stay or leave. Sometimes secures stay in a relationship way past their expiration date.

      Good luck.

      1. 49.1.1
        Tony

        Thanks Karmic Equation I think this is a step in the right direction. I did more research on attachment styles and this sounds more like us:

        Anxious preoccupied/avoidant dismissive

        This combination of attachment styles is the most prevalent in couple therapy. Generally this is a relationship where two opposite positions are very entrenched with little movement between them. One partner truly wants intimacy and the other feels engulfed and overwhelmed. Both partners exacerbate each other’s insecurities: the anxious partner will try to get closer; the avoidant partner reacts by moving further away. The anxious partner is usually the one to express their discontent with the relationship while the other believes that the main problem with the relationship is the partner’s discontent.

        In order to both feel comfortable and secure in the relationship both partners need to find a way to deactivate their attachment system.

        You are likely to be in this type of relationship if your relationship is very up and down – up when the needs for dependency and intimacy are met, down when they are not. You are likely to find that an element of instability and dissatisfaction persists throughout your time together; you seem to be fighting constantly about things that aren’t really worth fighting about and you stay in the relationship because you are emotionally connected while feeling that the relationship is not right for you.

        Although I dont think she would see our relationship as up and down I do very much. I am perfectly content doing all that I do but when we stop being intimate Im the one who starts to feel used. Im not saying that sex should only be used as a reward but I need a release as well. She doesnt have a problem with our lack of intimacy so to her its my problem not hers. She tells me that I pressure her too much but then when I back off that doesnt seem to do me any good either thats when I really get frustrated. I start to feel like it doesnt matter what I do. Her parents are divorced and she doesnt have a great relationship with her father. She always complained that he was never affectionate when she was little and didnt tell her that he loved her. I can’t say I love you enough. Now I feel like Im the one paying the price for it.

        1. starthrower68

          Tony, you wife sounds a great deal like me.   Especially with the issues she has/had with her father.   Throw on top of that my mother abandoning me when she left my dad when I was 5 and well, I’m probably just better off to stay out of the game.   

          I have sympathy for you but to some extent your wife as well.   I certainly don’t want to make excuses for her but just some added insight, it’s really difficult to connect.   It’s almost abhorrent for an avoidant dismissive to get close to anyone.   Just to share my experience, the last couple of situations I was in (can’t really call them a relationship, per se)   I took the risk to open up and allow connection and intimacy.   After the last guy decided (after several months of dating) that he was just no longer going to talk to me, I have just pretty much shut down.   Unfortunately, my therapist, left private practice or I’d be continuing to work on it.   Yes I get that he’s   not the only therapist on earth, however I can’t really put funds toward it at the moment.   But I digress.   I can almost guarantee my ex husband felt very much like you do.   Of course that was one of many issues but I again I digress.   

          Back to giving you some insight, being an avoidant can be a very painful and lonely place to be.   You can be in a room full of people and feel lonely.   Others often see us as distant and aloof, but intimacy and connection are frightening; you can’t take love in.   When those things are not modeled for you as a young child, this is the end result.   I thought I was making progress, but that last relationship failure cause me to shut down and retreat back into myself.    The loneliness of isolation is painful but the risk of opening up is more so.   You would think that the awareness of what I struggle with would be enough to get beyond it, but that rejection has been so deeply rooted that the old impulses and behaviors are done without really even thinking about them.    I always feel like that outsider looking in, that I fit nowhere and I belong nowhere.   It does lead to depression and anxiety, at least for me.    When I can, I will probably have to get back into therapy for it.   

          I just want to say again, I’m not trying to minimize or dismiss your pain.   Only trying to maybe give some insight into why you struggle with that dynamic in your marriage.    I know if I could just snap out of it, I would.  

  10. 50
    Becca

    When I decided to go back to school, something my boyfriend at the time advised me to do, his needs became an obstacle to my success as a student. I missed classes because of arguments, and avoided studying with other students because he was suspicious of their intentions toward me (nevermind that they are all 10+ years younger than me). When I transferred to a proper university, the workload increased and I could really only spend one night a week with him because he didn’t like me studying at his house over the weekend. I tried to be understanding, but it seemed like his life never stopped for me (he has two wonderful daughters) when I came over, yet I was expected to focus solely on him. Between his needs and my mother’s needs I became a basket case. I was in a bad mood all the time and being able to earn the grades I needed became an exercise in rushing to play catch up. Even though I did not make plans with anyone except my mother and boyfriend while school was in session, managing their needs took a huge toll on my well-being. Both of them constantly complained about my lack of availability. He eventually took to clubbing all the time, and then after a snafu (spending the entire night into the dawn hours in a car alone with a woman he met and pouring his heart out to her) I just didn’t trust him anymore. I understand the need for compromise, but it genuinely seemed to me like my success in school just wasn’t something he supported if it took me away from him in any way. The last straw was calling me at 2am in the middle of finals week and telling me in an angry tone that I was neglecting him. Part of me can’t let go of the nagging worry that I drove him away, but the idea that this is normal male behavior makes me very sad, and very reluctant to start anything with anyone else.

  11. 51
    john smith

    the issue is two fold and more of an issue for both parties 1. why is the situation an either or first off do a personality test look up the book why him why her this would give you some understanding of why she does what she does secondly a relationship is give and take   and some compromise   not of   core value but of what is most important if you go her way what is more important enjoy her in what is giving her happiness of having her all to your self and not enjoying her company because she wants to be doing some thing else it is quality and not quantity

  12. 52
    Lauren

    I don’t like the sound if this guy, if you want more attention then ask for it !! Sounds like he is as selfish and big headed as her !! So he must be a stunner to find another girlfriend in a week after breaking up with the last, shoe may be on the other foot next time !! What goes around comes around :   )

  13. 53
    ryan

    Im more intersted if Austin initiated a breakup and did she begged him to stay or make comprimises , some girls do that if she truly loves a guy as a last straw.

  14. 54
    SparklingEmerald

    I am a little puzzled by this
    “It’s not unusual for her to tell me that “I have dinner with a friend Monday, an event on Tuesday, a soccer game on Thursday, a meeting on Friday, and the festival Saturday (and now) again on Sunday. Do you have Wednesday or sometime during the day on the weekends open?” Since, I’m also somewhat busy, the answer is often no. She’s exhausted most of the time when we do hang out.
    It looks like they both might be too busy for relationship.   How can two people slot each other in to such narrow time frames ?   Once a relationship has been established, is it unreasonable for BOTH to keep weekends open for each other ?   And carve out at least 2 week nights for each other ?

  15. 55
    c

    i just broke up with my boyfriend last night becauss of his prioritysi never gave up on him.. ive just had enough being the back burner. it hurts. he lost me. he wouldnt fight for me.  

  16. 56
    Patiently Waiting

    I understand Austin frustration, I had everything going for me my career was picking up and was taking courses at a local university  for a second  degree in biology, then  I met my girlfriend things started out fine, lovely lady twenty days younger than me, still living with her  parents. But there were a few red flags from the moment we met, it took her one to three weeks for her to return a phone call or a text message, always with an excuse. always something to keep   her busy when not working she is not available because she is babysitting for her sister, helping her dad paint her sisters house, fundraising for cancer or Alzheimer’s, graduation, christening, sick grandmother, working late, name any excuse out there, for two years and never got invited to any of those events either. I have introduced her to most of my family but I have never met any of her family, she claims they are always busy. she will be gone for days then when she comes around or call she is always exhausted and moody. every time she came to my place we drunk our self to pieces. The whole situation took a tall on me and I started drinking sometime going to work late or drunk because I slept late drinking waiting for her to show up. was basically falling apart. then I decided to clean up after myself, I decided staying together was not the right thing to do, the only way to go about it was to go on a travel assignment out of state and start over. I submitted my application for a  contract assignment  across the country. Then I waited for the right moment to tell her which was a month after the submission of the job application, since she was too busy to even  reply   to a simple text message. I told her my plan, but she was not surprised, she actually told me to make sure I come back because she is pregnant. I really do love her but I don’t see myself going back into that depressing situation again, she says she is five months pregnant and still continues living with her parent I left her my apartment so that she can at least   have a place to stay, she only went there once and still takes her  atleast   a week to return my phone calls and yet complains that I don’t seem to care about her and her family thinks I ditched her. I feel like a third wheel between her and her family and our relationship is doomed to fail. She is a wonderful lady but every time I bring up the issue she tells me she understands my frustration and that  things will work out fine. She is a wonderful lady.    Just tired and confused

  17. 57
    Kay

    I disagree with Austin and I disagree with the message.   If women are too available, it’s a problem, when women are busy, that’s also a problem.   I’m sick of women being the only ones that can’t win for losing.   At least Austin’s (ex)girlfriend is now single and free to meet someone that understands what motivates her in life.  

  18. 58
    Indeep

    Tony I feel for you and have similar issues, just add anger, blaming, push-pull behaviour, I believe PTSD, BPD, NPD and bi-polar. Therapy helped only a little. I empathize. Starthrower you are beautiful for being so open, if oly my wife could be. Never lose hope, I wish you success. As for austin its hard for me to say what is best if your not in the same shoes.  

  19. 59
    E-surfer

    Not sure how long ago this thread began as I just came across this blog by searching the web for a similar situation, albeit a different outcome.

    I can identify with Austin. First of all, I’m not surprised by the hostility expressed by many of the female commentators but I do find most, if not all, of the criticism leveled at him to be unwarranted.  

    I’m currently in a 6 month long relationship with a “degreed, high powered professional woman”. A very busy one with a thriving social life and a penchant for volunteerism.   She’s smart, beautiful, fun to be around and really, just an incredible catch.   She’s also very capable and extremely independent.

    The problem? I felt like I was only able to get ‘filler’ time with her. I felt unimportant. Unnecessary. She didn’t need me. She loved me (she said and I felt) but she didn’t need me (she would never say, but I felt as well).   Her calendar was always full.  

      Im a successful guy.. but I wear blue jeans with a blue collar. She makes 2.. hell, 3 times as much money as I do.   She can handle all the outdated ‘traditional’ stuff done by both genders.   

    I expressed to her how I felt, and I even (in my mind) made unfair assumptions of how she would respond. Beforehand I began the process of emotional distancing as I had no confidence that she would change/compromise simply for me.   She has it all going on.   But I knew I would eventually be unsatisfied in a relationship where I felt this way so I was prepared to end things and go our separate ways.  

    After I honestly expressed how I felt. Expressed my needs… she surprised me.   She heard me and she followed up by expressing her needs. I then heard her. She made incredible changes to her lifestyle which made it easy for me to make changes to mine as well, in order to help us both meet eachothers needs. She didn’t drop everything for me and I didn’t maintain unreasonable expectations of her. We ended up both compromising and our relationship has blossomed into something I never thought was possible.  

    How? Why? Because of the willingness to express. The willingness to listen and to hear. The willingness to compromise and to make changes, for one another at first… and subsequently and without any additional effort, for the both of us.   Compatibility.  

    It appears clear as day. Austin and this gal simply are not compatibile. Not in the ways it takes to make a long term relationship work.  

    He makes it clear that he already expressed his feelings and she either didnt hear him or didnt care enough about him and the relationship to compromise of make the necessary changes. No harm, no foul. Not compatible. Finding blame or fault doesn’t change what is.    

    Sounds like Austin did the right thing by padting ways and moving on. Life is too short.

    Good luck!  

  20. 60
    neha

    Oh god…your story reminds me of mine, this guy was so much into me in the starting of relationship and now he is like all career and goals etc, I really loved him.. but he is not able to give me time, we already broke up, n its too hard but I now believe Its for the best. I want a life partner who can give me time, not someone with whom I have to struggle with to find time!!

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