I Don’t Want To Be A Cougar; I Want A Relationship With A Younger Man!

Firstly, thanks for all your advice and wisdom and your massively entertaining style. I’m learning fast but still have a problem… I’m in my late 40’s, separated last year (relief), successful, and have an awesome life. I’m highly attractive, hot even!, fit, fun, feminine and not clingy. I’m a really good catch!! I have no trouble attracting men of all ages. The problem is: I am not attracted to men my own age. I love guys who are around the 30 year old mark. Yes, playing with fire I know!! Unfortunately, it seems, single guys my own age either cannot match my physical energy and sheer enthusiasm for life or they are taken already! Many of them are lonely, often damaged by failed relationships and looking for someone to share a latte with on a Sunday morning for the next 40 years… This is not what I want at this point in my life.

I find younger guys so much more fun and attracting them is easy, both online and off. But it’s difficult finding something deep and long lasting as I know these guys are usually hard wired to find ‘the one’ eventually. And– in most cases–that is not going to be with a woman who is pretty well past childbearing age… Bummer for me!

So do you think it is possible to have a passionate relationship of integrity (by that I mean more than just a romp) when there is a big age difference? I want more than the cougar/toy boy experience. It would be a cliche to write this off as midlife crisis, although I understand you could reach this conclusion. I am an exceptionally vibrant and youthful person for my age and I have a lot of close younger friends, but I really don’t know where to look to find my truly compatible match… Is he actually out there I wonder??


Dear AM,

Thanks for your letter and kind words. I try to be honest first, entertaining second, and nice third, so I’m glad to hear that I’m coming close to my intended goal.

Especially since my reply is not going to be all that nice.

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The fact is, your letter could have been written by a private client.

No joke.

When I hear on the phone “I’m in my late 40’s. People always think I’m younger because I’m so fit and energetic. I’m just not attracted to men my own age or older,” all I can do is smile and nod, the way you do when your friend asks if she looks fat in her jeans.

Understand: I don’t know you, haven’t seen you, and am not impugning your integrity.

All I’d ask you to do would be to put yourself in my position.

If every single man you met said, “I look great for my age. Women my age just can’t keep up with me. I need to find a woman who is 15-20 years younger who is really on my wavelength,” you would roll your eyes and wonder aloud what kind of delusional pot he was smoking. You’d think, “Dude, get OVER yourself. I mean, yeah, you have your hair and you’re pretty fit, but you don’t look as young as you think. Plus, what could you POSSIBLY have in common with a woman who could virtually be your daughter?”

Or something like that.

So I’m not judging you when you say that you prefer men 15-20 years younger.

I’ll just say to you what I’ve said to men who told me the same thing: who cares?

To your credit, you’ve already identified this flaw in your thinking:

Even if you look as good as you say, most 30-year-old men:

a)     Aren’t ready to settle down because they still have more oats to sow.

b)    Wouldn’t pick a 48-year-old woman when they could choose a 28-year-old who is probably firmer, more fertile, and has more years left on earth than you do.

Sorry. It’s that honesty thing again. But you already knew the 2 points above.

What you’re not seeing, however, is this:

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The other blind spot you appear to have is the same one that afflicts all of my clients over the age of 40: narcissism and exceptionalism.

If YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

To wit: if YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

And wouldn’t it be a shame if that man only thought that he should date women born in the 80’s because all women YOUR age are too old, damaged and boring to keep up?

Damn right it would.

So get off your pedestal and look around. If you’re in the Top 5% of women, then you should have no trouble attracting that rare 5% man who is willing to date a woman his own age.

Hold out for a young’un, and guess what, darlin’?

You’re no different than the shallow men we so roundly decry for age discrimination.

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  1. 91

    I have the same problem as AM: younger men leave me when I tell them how old am I, men my age don’t want me, and older men do but I don’t want them… I understand that what you, Evan, say is the cold truth and the way of the world, but I have a question: ok, maybe I should “settle” for a nice man with a heart of gold with great husband potential, but what man on Earth will want to stay with woman that doesn’t attracted to him physically? He’ll leave me, too, eventually. I know from experience: I have two great boyfriends whom I wasn’t attracted to (there was some attraction in the beginning of the relationships, but too little of it, and then it evaporated), I just couldn’t force myself to sleep with them, and they left me saying “you don’t attracted to me”. Same result. So, what’s the point of compromising, “getting off the pedestal” ect?

  2. 92

    elle @ 92 is correct about attraction
    I am in the same situation as OP . Not attracted to men my own age. I am attracted to much younger men. I dont know what I can do about it, one cannot compel attraction. I would like a relationship – not living together or marriage – with a younger man,  but I am realistic and I know that the odds are against me.
    Now that I am divorced life is good. No more insults, abuse, cooking and cleaning for pig on couch.
    I used to be the hot 25 year old in her prime that my ex chose to marry instead of some older woman. What did I gain from it? I wasted 23 years of my life in a bad marriage, I cannot get those years back.
    From what I have observed, men marry the 20 something hot/good girl. Over time the relationship becomes boring and they go online -and off line – looking for excitement. I am often approached online by married men, younger as  well as older.
    Whichever path one chooses in life, there’s is always a price to be paid. However, I am very lucky compared to other women, I own my own home, have job, my health is excellent and I am in good shape.
    If my only option is occasional fun with a young guy, that doesnt sound bad at all!

  3. 93

    I know that most of these comments were made months ago, but I have to add my 2 cents worth! I am a 55 year old woman working in a beauty shop, for years, so I have seen a lot of people of a lot of different ages.  Recently, a woman brought in her teenage son for a haircut. She wore baggy, saggy pants, flannel shirt, no makeup or jewelry, and her hair was long and frizzy, with 3 inches of gray roots. When we suggested she come back one day to pamper herself, maybe get hair color or highlights, her response was, ‘I am 55. It doesn’t matter anymore.” I was stunned. There is such a wide variety of people after say, 40 years old, and outside of genetics, I think that it is mostly a matter of CHOICE after that age. You CHOOSE to exercise or sit on the couch, take a class, volunteer, or sit on the couch, eat good food or junk food, wear fashionable, modern, flattering clothing, or just wear whatever is comfortable that you have had forever. We have two ladies that are 72 and 73, and I have guessed both of them as being about 20 years younger,  because they are active, present themselves well, etc. I have been guessed by many people as being around 40- but I get up every morning to walk on a treadmill before work, I try to dress in a modern flattering way, wear subtle makeup, color my hair consistently,  etc. All of this is WORK! And if someone does all that, they DESERVE to look younger than their peers. We also have the ladies who wear saggy baggy pants, clunky black shoes, short fluffy stiff gray hair, etc., and have NO sex appeal, but most are widows and have said they have NO interest in being involved with a man again, happy playing bingo, grandkids, etc., which is their choice, also. I have dated 3 men in the past year-one 2 years older than me, one 3 years older, and one a LOT younger (30). The two older guys sat on the couch most days, were out of shape though not overweight, had no hobbies, and spent way too much time talking about their ex wives. Meanwhile, the 30 year old and I take walks, work on cars, watch ball games, and talk for hours. We were friends over a year before becoming involved. Sexually we are very well suited. I have no fantasies of us getting married  and having kids, and I have told him that. It is what it is for right now. The men my age seem to  have a lot of erectile issues, and some won’t admit it and get help. And some of them seem to have something to prove, by trying too hard to be cool and hip, dating ONLY younger women, etc. The younger man does not even have an ex wife, and we have a GREAT time hanging out. I am no longer seeing the older men as by comparison  they just were no fun. Older men have a responsibility also to stay active, current, interesting, in shape, and some of them are not making that choice. I did not go out LOOKING for a younger  man, he found me. I would LOVE to find someone in my age group with a positive attitude, good hobby, see women as equals, that care how they present themselves. I have dated a LOT over the past 2 years and has not happened yet. I am still looking.

  4. 94

    I liked your answer Evan – you wrote what I was thinking when I read her post/question!!

  5. 95
    World Traveler

    I have been happily married to someone my own age for several years. I have never wanted to date outside my age group because I want to be able to have things in common (generationally speaking). I also have a master’s degree in psychology.

    But, I wanted to add my two cents. There are some women who ARE in their 40’s, who are smart, successful, and who look like they are 15 years younger. I will give you a case in point. My best friend of many years is in her early 40’s. She has made the choice not to have children because she knows what makes her happy. She is also extremely physically fit– she has a master’s degree from an elite British university and she is a certified personal trainer. On top of that, she owns a successful business that deals in intellectual property. Any time we are out, the men who hit on her are in their 20’s. It is obvious they think they are hitting on someone within their age group. 

    So, my friend also prefers men 10-15 years younger and she can get them…in spades. She can also have them beg to be in a relationship with her. She is the one who leaves because they are usually too immature.

    She has always been extremely athletic, she has always been smart, and she has always been gorgeous. Because she takes care of herself (and is not afraid to get botox and fillers) she looks like she did in her early 20’s. She still has the same energy level as well.

    But, my friend is in a conundrum. She also has the libido of a man in her twenties. This is no joke. She frequently remarks that she in genuinely frustrated because of this.

    I know all of this might sound shallow to you, but she is one of the least shallow and most remarkable people I have met and she desires a long term monogamous relationship. She is well aware that a younger man may not be best for her and she is frustrated she has yet to keep up with someone our age. She is open to someone her age but has yet to find him.

    So, women somewhat like this reader do exist.

    But your reply to her genuinely bothers me.

    Until you start writing really insulting and demeaning men who want a May-December relationship, I would refrain from being so demeaning to women who prefer younger men.

    It also says a lot about you that you would use a potential client’s inquiry as a blog post that absolutely demeans her by implying many things you do not know, such as whether or not she is truly a narcissist. It is not wise to treat potential clients in such a shaming way.

    Plus, you are playing into this stereotype in spades that women over 40 are used up and that it is a total joke if they desire someone younger.

    Since you coach so many women and many who might be baby boomers, I would refrain from ‘biting the hand that feeds you.’ Until you have an independent income source, I would put on a smile and tell women over the age of 40 that they are fabulous and that you are here to help them achieve their romantic goals. Doing otherwise is a bad way to run a business.

    So, if you are in this business to help women, I would ask that you have more positive things to say to women over 40. 

    1. 95.1

      Very well said!!
      I have been married to a man my own age, now divorced. I keep myself very fit and I am well groomed. Since my divorce, I have discovered that I am not at all attracted to men my own age/older. In fact, they repulse me, big time!  I would rather stay home and clean rather than date one. I am not looking for “the one” and I am quite happy to continue dating younger men. I will not apologize to anyone for my preferences. Lucky for me, there are lots of younger men who like the company of older women  😉 If I could not get young men I would opt to remain celibate for the rest of my life.

      1. 95.1.1

        @Helen: Wow thank goodness there are lovely women who like dating older men (the good ones) then. Otherwise what would the poor blokes do, when they “repulse” women their own age?

        1. Karmic Equation

          Date women older than they are ?

        2. tamara

          Haha I did think of that right after typing my comment. But all else being equal, dating older women is generally the 2nd choice for men as opposed to dating women their own age or younger. I think a man has to go vs biological and social conditioning to date older women, just like how they generally prefer women who aren’t taller than them.
          Anyway my main point was that I’m disgusted tt some pple can say they’re repulsed by someone based on smthg he/she totally can’t help.

        3. Karmic Equation

          Well, I’m not “repulsed” by men my age, but I’m rarely attracted to them. For me they need to look as young as I look for my age. That’s because I don’t want to date men that I think look like they could be my dad. A LOT of men who write their ages as 47 and “young for their age” look like they could be my dad. I’m really convinced most of them are shaving a decade off their ages online. Not just a few years. THAT is the problem. Maybe they DO look young for 55, but they certainly DON’T look 45 “and young for their age”, they don’t even look 45!

          Anyway, I think repulsed, while an honest description, is not a nice word to use. It starts the process of “labeling” and all men “older” as “repulsive” and at some point the mind is going to equate the two, where older EQUALS repulsive, which is NOT the case.

          Most older men are NOT as attractive as women of the same age who have taken time and pride to look the best they can. Money and success might be an equalizer to a certain extent. But ultimately, we women want men WE can lust after too.

          And the problem with good looking fit men, who have money and are successful… They don’t want to date women their age 🙂 They don’t have to. The world isn’t fair. You just gotta accept that 🙂 

        4. tamara

          I think it’s true tt many older men don’t look as gd as their female peers. But, as Evan said, women who are gd catches can consider dating those men their age who are also good catches. Then she doesn’t face the challenges that can come with dating a much younger guy, while also having a fit vibrant guy she finds attractive.

          I dated an older guy from one of Mediterranean European countries and i found him v hot, maybe Helen has to cast her net a bit wider cos I doubt she’d find him physically repulsive.More importantly, he’s intelligent, sensitive,  funny and is a gentleman with good manners. So although she’s entitled to her opinion, it annoys me that she’d classify men like that as repulsive just cos of their age and older appearance. Just as it’d annoy me if men called an older woman repulsive despite her great traits.

          Yes I know the world isn’t fair; I get reminded when I read Evan’s blog and the comments, it’s like being beaten with the reality stick, haha. It’s one reason I love this blog.

        5. Karmic Equation

          Lol, Tamara 🙂

          I think  you’re missing the forest for the trees. That hot “older” guy you dated was dating YOU, a younger hot chick. He doesn’t ‘have to” date his peers because younger hot chicks like you were willing to date him.

          I’m sure if HE were willing to date his peers, he’d find plenty who would. But hot older guys like him are dating young hot chicks like you.

          You get it?

        6. Helen

          Problem solved! You can have the old ones and I the young ones! LOL

        7. tamara

          @Karmic Equation: Haha oh so that’s what u were referring to when saying the world isn’t fair. At first I was wondering what u were talking about. 🙂
          Well firstly he’s just one middle-aged guy; I used him as an eg. And Helen said she dislikes men her own age, she didn’t just say she dislikes the guys her own age who wanted to date her. So i surmise she’s including really nice guys, like the one i mentioned, in that category of repulsive pple.
          Btw the guy I mentioned stated in his profile that his ideal partner’s age range was from a few yrs younger to several yrs younger than himself. I’ve heard some ppl lie about this to not look shallow, but he doesn’t strike me as the devious type. I think he’d genuinely have been delighted with an attractive, smart and gd-hearted woman in her 40s (he’s late 40s).
          The eligible men in middle age and above are not all dating women much younger. U make it sound like some women like Helen date younger cos desirable men their age are all taken up by younger women. Many attractive women who can get younger guys prefer them cos they’re hot.  U and Helen seem to prefer younger guys for this reason. Evan did write an article quoting a study on how men and women both preferred dating younger, on the whole. I actually am a little glad men now experience some age discrimination in dating; sometimes u gotta know what it’s like to be the pincushion instead of the pin.

        8. Karmic Equation

          I’m not sure about Helen. But I do try to date hot guys my age. Just that most of the ones I did try to date did not look like their pix. I’m usually pretty savvy in that I check out ALL the guy’s pix before I accept a date. Most older guys use a profile pic from 5-10 years younger as their Profile pic and then tuck their current pix at the end of their photo albums. Those guys I usually by pass and don’t reply to. Some guys age really badly in a few years.
          However, there were other guys who used ONLY pix from when they were younger (nothing current at all in their albums), so I thought they actually looked like their pix currently. One guy was 50# heavier. All his pix showed him to be in decent shape. The guy I met was far from decent shape. Another guy had all pix of when he had a head of dark hair (I’m partial to brunettes) — But when I met him, he was COMPLETELY gray. Not even one dark hair. I felt somewhat deceived. He was still attractive for a guy with gray hair, but I honestly wouldn’t have accepted a date if I had known that’s what he looked like. I’m seldom attracted to all-gray types.
          I’m attracted to “hot” regardless of age. But the truly hot guys my age ARE dating younger OR don’t like it when a woman my age isn’t chasing him. I’ll have initial contacts with hot men my age, but they don’t go anywhere. Maybe after a few messages they’re not attracted. Highly unlikely. I suspect that they’re getting persistent messages from either younger women or more beautiful women my age or women who are both and are not shy about chasing a good looking guy, so I don’t make the cut as I don’t chase and only mirror until the guys my bf. No biggie 🙂
          So the only ones left are the young hot ones. Well, if that’s the only option left, it’s not exactly a chore to date ’em 😉

      2. 95.1.2

        And yet, Helen, you are on a blog looking for advice to get a man for a long term commitment. I have to laugh at how often women on here are constantly saying that they can get younger men, and are repulsed by older men. The only one who seems to understand is Karmic Equation because I read a post by her where she acknowledges it is all about the sex. I do believe that the women like you do get younger men, but for what? Sex only? Short relationships? I have lost count of the number of guys I know who go from older woman to older woman, with zero intention to ever get married to one. I meet these women, and get to know them over the few weeks to few years that these guys are with them. Of all of these men that I have known who date older women, only a very small number ever got married and only one is still married, which is understandable because he was the strike out king with women. So of course he will stay with the one who would have him. So Karmic had it right. If a man strikes out with women his own age, he can date older women, or maybe look overseas.

        Some of these guys I know are high quality men on paper, but the word is out on them that they are serial daters. Commitment Phobes. Some are PUAs. All of the medium to high quality men I have ever known that are marriage minded pursue, date, and marry women their age and younger. Most of women are within one to several years of their age. A small handful of women 8 to 15 years younger. But I am not trying to be snarky, or anything but truthful when I say that every good quality man I know, or have known, who is monogamous minded, is dating or married to women their exact age or younger. I do have a few friends that married women just a few years older, like 2 to 5 years, and every one of them ended up divorced.

        I myself prefer a woman my age to just a few years younger, and would possibly marry a woman a few years older, but she would have to be extremely exceptional in that she would have to basically be out of my league. Since I do get dates with women who are pretty good looking, the woman would have to be model good looking.

        If I weren’t monogamous minded, I would probably be far more willing to lower my standards, and date woman of almost any age so long as she was reasonably attractive.

        As to women looking better at an older age. The phrase was something about “most 45 year old men do not look as good as the exceptional women their age.” Well news flash, most 45 year old women don’t look as good as the exceptional men their age. Take an honest look at the profiles of your peers. Most are not exceptional looking women.

        I am amazed by the amount of denial I see. You find older men hideous, and yet you don’t think that younger guys feel the same about older women? See, men have the ability to do something women seem for the most part, incapable of. They can look at a woman who is not all that physically attractive and have sex with her. I have known men my age and younger to have contests that I refused to participate in where the object is to have sex with the fattest, or ugliest woman they can. I never saw the appeal. It would seem that having much lower standards for sex obviously has to do with the whole biology and getting genes into the next generation. For men the biological strategy is like a shotgun, while for women it is like a sniper. Neither is really superior as each makes sense for each gender.

        Getting a man into bed is as easy as breathing. Getting him to marry you, now that’s the real challenge. But the caveat there is that so many now come from broken homes, even that is becoming less of a challenge because they have the attitude that they will just get divorced when the relationship is no longer fun. So let me rephrase that. The real challenge is getting a man to marry you and stay with you for many years without cheating.

        Bottom line is that many women on here seem to range from 30s to 50s. You really do have to be honest about what you want, and where you fall into the pecking order. If you are decent looking but not exceptional, you can date younger men who are high quality but the likelihood of a monogamous or long lasting marriage is very very slim. I don’t think you have to date older, but if you want to marry, you are going to be more secure by dating somebody your own age, or just a bit older. If you really do want to find marriage sooner rather than later, and want it to have a better than average chance of lasting, younger men is not your best bet. I’m not saying to not be open to it if nothing else is happening for you, but so many now seem to be stuck on having to have a younger guy. You get a half dozen “fun” relationships with younger guys and become addicted to it like sugar.

        My honest belief is that there will be a lot of women who are 50+ who will end up at home cleaning after a string of younger men. At some point, those younger men find their confidence and begin to look more for women their own age or younger. If that is not successful, they too choose to opt out of relationships, or look in other places.

        So to each their own, but at least be aware of the realities. The reality is that men too prefer younger women, so if a younger man is with you, you do have to be suspicious, but only if you are seriously looking for marriage.

        To the statement that, “I don’t want to be a cougar I want a relationship with a younger man.” We don’t all get what we want. Most young men want sex with a hot cougar and nothing more, and they are getting it. So don’t be surprised if life doesn’t work out the way you want it to. I know how women react on here, I’ve read it. men just need to get in step with the times. Well, they are. The times are that sex is cheap and easy to come by. They are getting exactly what they want. I just wish men were more honest. I know some women would still partake, but I think many would not if you knew how these men often talk about you behind your backs, when they are only around men they know they can trust. Men who honor the Bro-Code.

        I hate that this is so long but this topic is not a simple one.

        1. kathleen


          The women I know who date younger in my area of S CA are not doormats who accept the misfits and undesirables of the world They are pretty savvy, assertive and attractive women. All of them are not interested in having more children. Men of any age can go from woman to woman wanting sex only.

          My friend followed Evan advice and is now living with a younger guy in a serious relationship. She eliminated anyone quickly , regardless of age. who wasnt relationship oriented and committal.
          I like what Evan says about being a CEO of your own life. I think who you accept or dont accept can have a far greater impact than worrying about your age.

        2. Helen

          Who said anything about marriage! Been there, done that! For me, marriage would be a financial risk, plus, I like my “me” time! The point is, I cannot understand why I should have to conform to someone other people’s rules on how I live my life!

        3. tamara

          @kathleen: I agree that having self-respect and knowing what u will accept and what u won’t is v impt. Anyone–male or female, younger or older, will have bad dating lives when they lack self respect.
          @Helen: “You can have the old ones and I the young ones” Haha ok minor clarification, I don’t seek out ‘older’ men, my previous bf was a yr younger. Just wanna make it clear that i’m not specifically preying on vulnerable men who’ve been rejected by women like u. 🙂
          Also, none of us have asked u to conform to rules on how to live ur life. I’d never do that; my friends and family laugh at my ‘hippie’ ways. If u think that was what us naysayers were saying, I think u’re not so gd at sensing nuances.

        4. Aurora

          Just curious what you consider a bit older. Less than 10 years?

        5. ML

          “I myself prefer a woman my age to just a few years younger, and would possibly marry a woman a few years older, but she would have to be extremely exceptional in that she would have to basically be out of my league. Since I do get dates with women who are pretty good looking, the woman would have to be model good looking.” 

          An age difference of 2 years is big when you are a teenager.

          A few years older or younger in your twenties, and later is negligible. Oh, I see, maybe we should compare the age difference in months? Oh, she is one month and 3 days older than me, oh, nooo!

      3. 95.1.3


        What you found is exactly what i found with men my age. I like athletic men in great shape  The couple of men my age who I was attracted to and interested in werent looking for a relationship.  So for me also I left with more choices with younger attractive in shape men I dont want marriage. I like sex and a relationship also 

        Helen … You go girl!!!   Enjoy the young ones!!! “if you obey all the rules ,you miss all the fun” Hepburn.    

        1. Karmic Equation

          There was one guy my age who was hot, but was in an open relationship. I’m  not interested in being the 3rd wheel. If I’m gonna be in an open relationship, I’m going to be the primary. haha

          Recently had a first date with a hot firefighter, who’s 48 but also looks young for his age and much better than his pix. Problem is he’s not even legally separated. He’s staying married to keep his 16 yo son on his medical. His not-ex lives in a different state, so for all intents and purposes he’s single. Due to conflicting schedules, scheduling a 2nd date has been problematic. But we’ll see where this leads. And I’m still dating my boy toy until it leads somewhere good. If it doesn’t who cares? YOLO 😀

    2. 95.2

      Great post world traveler #95  
       I think stigma about older women younger men still persists but its changing There are more and more women like your friend. Im similar to her except Im older . As I understand it, the brains mechanism for love doesn’t depend on chronological age.

      Tamara …What are the old blokes to do?…. Get in great shape !   Id never turn down a guy my age or a couple of years older if he kept himself in as great shape as many women have had to at my age in the single world

      1. 95.2.1

        …old blokes…hit the gym and get in great shape? LOL they would first need to have surgery to separate the tv remote from their hand!

    3. 95.3

      World Traveler-love it! Excellent point!!!

    4. 95.4

      @World Traveler

      So you’re saying that Evan should LIE because he may turn off a potential client? I never understand this perspective. Evan never said women over 40 aren’t fabulous. What he is saying is that if you are in your late 40s (using the woman who wrote him as an example) who WANTS to settle down, chances are, it won’t happen with a 30 year old no matter how ‘fabulous’ you are or look. Sheesh. It’s the TRUTH. Why would you want someone to tell you differently? Most 30 year olds will settle down with someone around their own ages (statistically) and would not want a woman long term who can no longer have kids and who is old enough to be his mother. Stop expecting Evan and other people to baby you and sell you a dream. Be grateful that as a coach, he keeps it real unlike so many out there. And trust me, this is coming from someone who at times disagrees with him and I am 39 years old myself.

      Plus, I am sure you already know how to tell yourself that you are fabulous.

    5. 95.5

      World Traveler at 95… BRAVO!!!!

      I am so weary of women such as your friend being bashed.

  6. 96
    Violet Red

    I am in my 50s and can relate to what AM is saying.  I’m good looking and still have a sexy body which allows me to receive compliments from guys of all ages.  But I don’t think I can get the type of affection, conversation, etc. from someone in their 30s.  Even men in their 40s are acting way younger and not as established as men were at that age years ago.  I too am having a problem with not being attracted to men my age because many are fat with huge beer bellies and are as arrogant and egotistical as they were when they used to have abs.  The bottom line is without that initial attraction you’ve got nothing.

    At this point the only thing to do is to continue to date a variety of men of all ages and professions, etc.  Eventually, we will make a love connection.  


  7. 97

    I wonder why the older guys Karmic mentioned won’t even buy a bottle of hair dye or go get a dye job?- geez that’s one thing that ain’t that difficult. 
    If you don’t want to date, ok, but why handicap yourself with something that doesn’t even take much work to maintain? `
    I don’t get it.
    I have few greys and they never see the light of day. ;p

    1. 97.1
      Karmic Equation

      It wasn’t so much that the the guy was all grey. I took issue with the fact that he used old pictures. If he had even ONE current picture, I would have made a more informed decision. I don’t mind dating a grey-haired dude if I was expecting to meet a grey-haired dude. But if I’m expecting to meet a guy who looks 40, but instead he turns up looking 50 because his grey hair ages him that much, that’s a different story 🙂

  8. 98
    Stacy Cole

    Hey AM. I think anything is possible. I am 33 and my boyfriend is 22. Neither one of us were looking but we worked together on a musical project and fell in love. It’s been 2 years, with a lot of ups and downs, and we might be headed for marriage. We really love each other. I think that a relationship is not about age, it’s about growing together. Life is right now, I would say find a man who really loves you and no matter what his age is, he will stay with you forever. Do what you need to do to enjoy your life right now. We only have a short time here and the present moment is all there really is. So enjoy life! If you enjoy younger men, go for it! The right man for you will form into a relationship, no matter what his age is. You just might find one who is closer to your age, but who cares? Who cares about the age, that’s all I’m saying. It’s the person, not the age, that matters. 

  9. 99
    The Truth Hurts But Needed

     EVAN, I super read what you had to share, and would never purposely appease or patronize you.  Everything you said was near perfect and, with good taste.  IF she does not appreciate these words of wisdom it is her loss.  I have very quickly made a list below and I’m sure there are other issues I didn’t think of such as Our Ancestors over centuries would deem Cougars frankly, insane, or possessed or even evil. I personally believe that there is something deeply rooted in this new phenomenon that can be linked to pedophilia … anyway, here’s the list:
    Here are the facts about Cougars whom because of their gender escape being called “creeps”
    1. Middle aged females are doing this because they have their own Income (ie. Careers), therefore  assets (ie. house, car, travel) too; particularly, if separated/divorced receiving support from one or more EXs. 
    2. They may also have dependent child(ren), which usually or can place a dampener on any potential everlasting Cougarville
    3. With so many single Moms all over western culture, when the nest becomes empty, their being so accustomed to having children around they controlled plus their daughter(s) male dates too, they have become narcissistic about their own self-worth causing delusions of grandeur leading to going after younger men
    4. There could also be a percentage of pedophilia involved due to not having a husband around and IF you do not think this is possible, you go do the research w.r.t. its prevalence and, this will not tell you the entire story behind closed doors
    5. If she is so called “hot” for her age, this only serves to intensify her delusions into a self-serving Cougar cree
    6. Connected to #5, men can bear children easily into their 40s and so if, he has no child but eventually wants one, this will exclude females late 30s or at least 40 and up for long term relationship so it’ll not last and IF the female is an old Cougar in your 50s and up, he has a better chance of already having child(ren) and paying Child Support with scars to deep to heal
    7. Boys being raised by only their Moms obviously have a much greater chance of being sucked into such a relationship with no fatherly mentor, which is just another notch in feminists victory of not just men but sometimes young adolescents too.
    8. These females often are just trying to spite or get back at men for wanting attractive women, which are almost always younger ladies, however…
    9  This does not have to be the case yet it is because middle aged (even some women in their 30s too), cut their hair, gain weight to the point where obesity is an epidemic yet, they think they’re thin when weight average when overweight.  Drinking is a national pastime as is eating Junk Foods. The body part they exercise the most is often their vocal chords (not singing).
    10. Hollywood starlets like Demi and Madonna, using sex to sell movies and music, have managed to brainwash women around the country that “age is just a number” so they too can have men 10 to (as young as they can lure them in) using the list above.   
    11. IF the relationship doesn’t last, they at least now have a sexual or power trip fantasy they can muster up from their imaginations if and when they become aroused.
    12. Daughters of these women, will either copy-cat their Mons as they mature or, will be attracted to their Mom’s boy toys and vice versa and so, then what?
    13. As Cougar relationships grow, these younger men will lose out on having children and so this is completely destructive for family-life.
    14. Females may live longer by a few years on average however, they also have a much harder time sustaining their once youthful physical attractiveness too; due to many factors.
    15. They also tend to dry up after menopause, which is a medical fact.
    16. Often these boys’ (or younger men’s) parents and extended family PLUS the Cougars’ too, think they’re nuts and feel upset towards them.
    17. Cougars, more often than not have had multiple, many, or countless sex partners.  Whatever happened to the news networks and health system warning us about AIDS & STDs?  Is it worth it young men, when you have ladies your own age to date?
    18.  IF a Cougar ever sucked my son in, she’d hear from me immediately. 
    19. IF every family STILL had a father under the same roof as was the case for the vast majority of families not so long ago in our past, this latest experiment would never be happening. In fact, there would be some choice words used to describe Cougars in booting them out of family lives
    20.  So this is your latest orchestrated conquest to destroy families, feminism.  Go ahead, we’ll soon see who suffers.

    1. 99.1

      “the Truth Hurts ”  99

      What a tirade of misogynist drivel.

      Im in my 50s and have dated younger. I have no kids. The younger guys Ive had relationships with DO NOT want children.

      What on earth does a woman being” so called hot” have to do with her delusions?

      RE STDs I was with one man over 24 years and a younger guy for 5 years.

      You know absolutely nothing about what you are talking about  and sound pretty uneducated. Guess what women do have more economic power now and we have the vote. Thats not going to change!!!

      Im amazed at some of the misogynist trolls who show up on Evans blogs



      1. 99.1.1

        Hahahaha! I know right??? Can you feel the scorn and wrath coming from “truth hurts 99” lol? I’m wondering if it’s a man or woman who wrote all that diatribe full of disgust. Can you hear the butthurt in that persons writing LMAO? I sure can and it tickles me pink and tickles my pink as well lol!!!

      2. 99.1.2

        To Aurora and Kathleen:  My sisters!  “The Truth Hurts” is spouting sour grapes soaked in bile.   Could it be that “older” women are not one-size-fits-all, and that there are many women who look freakishly young?

        A man 23  years old asked me out.  His friends asked why I would not go out with him.  I told him I would be embarrassed for someone that young.  They thought I was being silly, and that 10 or 15 years was not that much.  I hated to break it to them, but I am a decade older than what they think.  this is not an isolated situation. If i try to discuss it on this thread, y’all will say I am arrogant.

    2. 99.2

      yes, some do dry up after menopause, and some can’t get it up

  10. 100

    Well I’ve been there done that for sure. I found myself single again at 47, and yes I’m young looking for my age. I got caught up in the attention from younger hot men and dated quite a few along with some hot men my age. I wound up in a 4 year relationship with a very, very handsome man in his 20’s. We got along great, both of our families approved and all seemed great. But ladies let me tell you something, after the flush of new romance wears off and the reality of everyday life and responsibilities kicks in you will start to see a difference in a young guy. You may feel young and fit in your late 40’s but eventually menopause will rear it’s ugly head, and your hormones will change not only your body but your sex drive. A young man will not stay faithful or will leave the relationship eventually unless he is an extremely unique individual. My young man and I split on good terms, but it’s been terribly hard on both of us. We actually really did love each other but just couldn’t continue down a path that did not have a happy ending. It’s caused me a lot of heartache but I don’t regret a moment we spent together. I think the older you get the harder it gets to maintain a youthful vibrant look. I don’t want to get dumped by a younger guy when I’m in my 60’s! I’m having do a lot of self-reflection and pretty much do what Evan is saying and get off my high horse while I still look great and can attract someone closer to my own age. I don’t want the stress of worrying about every little wrinkle that appears, or feel bad that I don’t have the sex drive of a 20 year old. My man never made me feel bad about my age, I did that myself, and it was hurting my self esteem. I actually want to grow old gracefully with someone that isn’t afraid to watch. I am determined to find someone closer to my age that I am attracted to. I think it’s time to focus on what’s special about someone other than their looks. I might have to wait a long time but I think it will be worth it in the end.

  11. 101
    Samantha Labens

    I find the response to this question to be exceptionally rude and I feel bad for the women who received it.If the original poster is reading this love is not based on age,gender, religion…its based off of this simple question do they love you and do you love them if so live your life:)

  12. 102

    Well here’s my brief experience with younger men. I am 48.  I went to a bar down the street to sing karaoke because my voice coach said “I am kicking you out of this nest go start singing in front of people.”  At 47 I started singing something I have always wantes to do. To be a singer’s singer we are not talking wanna be.

    So the bar dowm the street has karaoke every night and much to my chagrin filled with 20 somethings.  Feeling a bit out of place I kept to myself and observed while waiting my turn.  It was amazing both sexes were  throwing themselves all over each other in obviously sexually. Straddling pool cues, twerking it was tragic but a little funny.  So a group of mixed company invited me to their table that were waiting to sing as well. I thought okay why not I will by like the cool aunt.

    So all I heard was gossip women critcizing other women, men talking about who they were going to buy a drink, first job interviews….I thought “Dear God noone in this bar is going to know the artists whose songs I am going to do Stevie Wonder, Eric Clapton, Linda Ronstadt”  So here is the kicker this guy started hitting on me buying me a drink etc. I told him it was not going to go anywhere that I was old enough to be his mother.

    Here is how stupid he was first of all he asked me “How old are you?”  When I told him he walked around to my back checked out my ass and get this he said “Damn you’re well get this preserved.” I laughed because apparently I am old enough to be a mummy or a jar of apricot preserves.  So is that proof enough about younger guys are looking for in preserved older women.

    Secondly, my voice coach is 23 reads classic literature comma we have so many things in common it’s ridiculous. And he has knowledge of my Generations music and as a musician. So you know why would not be attracted. But when I how the fantasy of sleeping with him it also includes waking up the next morning and hearing the line from Maggie May, ” the morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.” Fantasy ruined.

    I want a man more around my age that has the same interests as me some different interests then I have that we can share and learn from each other. And when I have that fantasy Rod Stewart never comes to mind.

    1. 102.1

      Karlene 102

      You are a funny writer!! Your voice coach sounds great!

      You said that that because the young guy looked at your preserved ass , that was proof of what younger men are looking for…….. I actually think that is proof of what all men are looking for … the fact that he’s young isn’t any different from most any other guy. You still have it going on!!

  13. 103
    Been there

    You can find younger men looking for a serious relationship, but how likely it is to happen depends how you define younger, life stages and where you’re looking.

    Evan is being harsh, when women think of younger they include what would be for a man a perfectly acceptable range of say 5 years younger, but men will call a woman dating a 5 year younger man a “cougar”, it’s a double standard. For a man to date a 5 year older woman of hes used to 5 years younger youll be 10 years older than his usual date so keep that in mind when choosing, you want someone who dates across the age range who won’t see it as a problem.

    You need to identify your strengths and work to them, a younger woman will be percieved as wanting children where the men youre interested in may already have them and not want more for example. Another edge is if you take care of yourself and are clean living where women his age party and take drugs. Younger does not automatically mean more attractive and a few solid months of snorting one thing or another will add a decade to a previously stunning young woman, as will tanning, smoking, yoyo diets or general self abuse. You’ll do better in person, online age will kill your chances unless you lie about your age and hope he has too and gets why. In person you get to see who is really attracted to you and who you’re attracted to and calibrate your search to suit.

    In the older age groups women are leaning toward young husbands, the reports I’m getting is they are both very happy. The older women get the more it happens but it does seem to be with men who either already have a family or don’t want to have kids, and there are plenty of them around getting frustrated ending ip on dates with women who do, by the time they meet someone older it’s a relief not to have to plead their case.

  14. 104

    I’m 46 years old and absolutely gorgeous with an athletic, hourglass figure and tight booty. I’m an amazing dancer and very sexy. If I could find a guy my age and older that matches me aesthetically and is just as vibrant, I’d totally go for it, but unfortunately there are men that are a few years younger than me that look like they can be a young father to me. I’m just not turned on by it. There are men younger than me who are incredibly into me, not just physically, but I’m so much fun it’s as if they are with someone their age or younger.

    When it comes to baggage, younger men have it as well and I actually believe the younger ones haven’t properly dealt with those issues yet, but I’m not bothered by it.

    Sex is very important to me in a relationship and I need to feel I’m with my equal aesthetically or I’ll never enjoy it to the fullest.

    1. 104.1

      And yes, at 46 I still go clubbing and I blend in perfectly. No one believes I’m 46. Yes, I’m drunk with flattery LMAO!

      1. 104.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        You’re also drunk with unrealistic expectations. Your “aesthetic equal” is probably not looking for you. Nor is he necessarily good in bed. Nor is there any indication that hot men are of higher character than normally attractive men. So perhaps consider going out with a 7 in chemistry and landing a 10 in compatibility, instead of holding out for a 10 in chemistry and realizing that you’ve spent your entire life alone because of your self-imposed desire for a “gorgeous” man.

        1. Persephone

          Dear Evan, I have adored you, your cuteness, your videos, and your blog for almost a year now.

          But Ouch!

          I could be that same woman. I could be Aurora, with a couple sentence changes.  There are those fairy-tale seemingly  immortal women among us who are real.  Looking young and beautiful is what most women believe they desire, but “be careful what you ask for,” because it is also a curse.

          I get where Aurora is coming from. It is frustrating.  If an 8 or 10 female gets into a relationship with a 6 or less guy, the guy is going to turn mean and controlling on her.

          I have tried to submit posts describing my misery, but you never approve them.  Maybe you should do a thread on those of us who really do look freakishly young and beautiful, to our detriment. But if you did, it would be full of people bashing them, saying things like “I never met a women who was a 10 who was not self-centered.”   A woman tried to beat me up, and she pulled my hair, because she was jealous of me just simply for being me–but for being the only female at my job, who also happened to be her husband’s coworker.

          It is not isolated to one gender. My ex-husband looked like Antonio Banderas, and the men in the clubs would try to pick fights with him. After our divorce, my neighbor in town  admitted they referred to us as “Barbie and Ken.”  That hurt. The same neighbors refused to get to know me, until after my mother’s death and my divorce, when I saw her out in the yard the morning of Thanksgiving, and gave her a sob story about me being alone on a holiday.  (Oh, right, because I was beautiful, it must have been that I was alone out of selfishness.)

          We as a society say that we like beautiful people, but then we treat them bad, or as a 1 dimensional character. We humans are so jealous by nature that we ignore their skills, their accomplishments, their kindness.

      2. 104.1.2

        I am in the same situation, I have already had my family and not looking for a husband. I am not attracted to men my own age, I forced myself to have sex with a couple of them but felt disgusted with myself and during the act I would shut my eyes so I would not look at them. I am ONLY attracted to young men, some young men like older women. I take good care of myself, hit the gym and have had cosmetic surgery. As I have never tanned my skin is still good. Yes, most young men are only after sex, but, I cant see why that is so terrible for many people! Evan might disagree but sex is important and there is nothing wrong with a woman liking sex as much as a man does. I have decided to no longer pursue a society approved “committed relationship” with an “age appropriate” man, as there’s no point in it for me. I decided to just go with the flow and enjoy the rest of my life!!!!

    2. 104.2


      Also, I’m not even looking for a guy that’s 15 years younger lol. I’ve had relationships with guys 12 years younger and they’ve lasted. Btw they still aren’t in a serous relationship. I’m seeing someone now who’s 8 years younger. Definitely not cougarville for sure. We gew up in the same era.

  15. 105

    I’m 30 goodlooking fit and I’m more attracted to older woman not just sexually love the maturity and love the way they make me feel

  16. 106

    While I do agree with people that does sound good to brag yourself so much and the reasons she gives do come off a bit shallow, but I do think are making the mistake of judging her as being shallow for wanting to date a much younger guy and that they aren’t compatible. I think Evan is overstating that nearly everyone 30-year old man is not ready for a relationship. Maybe a majority, I know quite few guys younger than that have been in long term relationships. Just because most 30 year olds see older women as sex fling, doesn’t mean they all do. Hugh Jackman at 28 married a woman 13 years his senior and they are still together. Also look up Jason Momoa and Aaron Taylor Johnson. The problem with taking statistics too seriously, is that people use it to jump conclusions that majority or even large percentage means 100%. Call her it out for reasons, but don’t try to shame over the age difference. Saying she will only find love through someone close to her age is just dumb. And just because she is 40 doesn’t automatically she mean can’t keep up or outdue fit younger her. There are 40 year old professional boxers that can fight 12 rounds. Karl R made the mistake of assuming what’s true for some is true for all. So my point, both her and the judgmental people need to get over themselves.

    1. 106.1

      And another thing, I understand her point about her age. While some are still active and outgoing, there are quite people who become boring and lose their inner child. While you should be serious about life, being too serious can rob of your joy and turn you into different person. A common complaint I hear from women in their late 30s is that too many men they meet in the 40s act like tired old men that don’t much effort anymore.

  17. 107

    , I stand firmly by my belief that age does not matter. I was fully transparent with in a relationship I had with a guy I met at a club. . It’s not my fault he guessed me to be around 21 when he met me. I was actually 35. He never asked my age, and I never asked his. We just plain and simple liked each other. I never lied to him. Some of this goes contrary to what some posters on her claim–that men like to keep thing simple and that it is women who complicate things. If men want to keep things so simple, they should just simply enjoy their partner wihout all these age and income perameters.

  18. 108

    Quote: “he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.”

    WRONG!!  He is never going to tell his new wife that.!!!  LOL

    He’ll brag to his mates, yes.  But his wife… are you insane?

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