I Don’t Want To Be A Cougar; I Want A Relationship With A Younger Man!


Firstly, thanks for all your advice and wisdom and your massively entertaining style. I’m learning fast but still have a problem… I’m in my late 40’s, separated last year (relief), successful, and have an awesome life. I’m highly attractive, hot even!, fit, fun, feminine and not clingy. I’m a really good catch!! I have no trouble attracting men of all ages. The problem is: I am not attracted to men my own age. I love guys who are around the 30 year old mark. Yes, playing with fire I know!! Unfortunately, it seems, single guys my own age either cannot match my physical energy and sheer enthusiasm for life or they are taken already! Many of them are lonely, often damaged by failed relationships and looking for someone to share a latte with on a Sunday morning for the next 40 years… This is not what I want at this point in my life.

I find younger guys so much more fun and attracting them is easy, both online and off. But it’s difficult finding something deep and long lasting as I know these guys are usually hard wired to find ‘the one’ eventually. And– in most cases–that is not going to be with a woman who is pretty well past childbearing age… Bummer for me!

So do you think it is possible to have a passionate relationship of integrity (by that I mean more than just a romp) when there is a big age difference? I want more than the cougar/toy boy experience. It would be a cliche to write this off as midlife crisis, although I understand you could reach this conclusion. I am an exceptionally vibrant and youthful person for my age and I have a lot of close younger friends, but I really don’t know where to look to find my truly compatible match… Is he actually out there I wonder??


Dear AM,

Thanks for your letter and kind words. I try to be honest first, entertaining second, and nice third, so I’m glad to hear that I’m coming close to my intended goal.

Especially since my reply is not going to be all that nice.

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The fact is, your letter could have been written by a private client.

No joke.

When I hear on the phone “I’m in my late 40’s. People always think I’m younger because I’m so fit and energetic. I’m just not attracted to men my own age or older,” all I can do is smile and nod, the way you do when your friend asks if she looks fat in her jeans.

Understand: I don’t know you, haven’t seen you, and am not impugning your integrity.

All I’d ask you to do would be to put yourself in my position.

If every single man you met said, “I look great for my age. Women my age just can’t keep up with me. I need to find a woman who is 15-20 years younger who is really on my wavelength,” you would roll your eyes and wonder aloud what kind of delusional pot he was smoking. You’d think, “Dude, get OVER yourself. I mean, yeah, you have your hair and you’re pretty fit, but you don’t look as young as you think. Plus, what could you POSSIBLY have in common with a woman who could virtually be your daughter?”

Or something like that.

So I’m not judging you when you say that you prefer men 15-20 years younger.

I’ll just say to you what I’ve said to men who told me the same thing: who cares?

To your credit, you’ve already identified this flaw in your thinking:

Even if you look as good as you say, most 30-year-old men:

a)         Aren’t ready to settle down because they still have more oats to sow.

b)       Wouldn’t pick a 48-year-old woman when they could choose a 28-year-old who is probably firmer, more fertile, and has more years left on earth than you do.

Sorry. It’s that honesty thing again. But you already knew the 2 points above.

What you’re not seeing, however, is this:

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The other blind spot you appear to have is the same one that afflicts all of my clients over the age of 40: narcissism and exceptionalism.

If YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

To wit: if YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

And wouldn’t it be a shame if that man only thought that he should date women born in the 80’s because all women YOUR age are too old, damaged and boring to keep up?

Damn right it would.

So get off your pedestal and look around. If you’re in the Top 5% of women, then you should have no trouble attracting that rare 5% man who is willing to date a woman his own age.

Hold out for a young’un, and guess what, darlin’?

You’re no different than the shallow men we so roundly decry for age discrimination.

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  1. 101
    Samantha Labens

    I find the response to this question to be exceptionally rude and I feel bad for the women who received it.If the original poster is reading this love is not based on age,gender, religion…its based off of this simple question do they love you and do you love them if so live your life:)

  2. 102

    Well here’s my brief experience with younger men. I am 48.   I went to a bar down the street to sing karaoke because my voice coach said “I am kicking you out of this nest go start singing in front of people.”   At 47 I started singing something I have always wantes to do. To be a singer’s singer we are not talking wanna be.

    So the bar dowm the street has karaoke every night and much to my chagrin filled with 20 somethings.   Feeling a bit out of place I kept to myself and observed while waiting my turn.   It was amazing both sexes were   throwing themselves all over each other in obviously sexually. Straddling pool cues, twerking it was tragic but a little funny.   So a group of mixed company invited me to their table that were waiting to sing as well. I thought okay why not I will by like the cool aunt.

    So all I heard was gossip women critcizing other women, men talking about who they were going to buy a drink, first job interviews….I thought “Dear God noone in this bar is going to know the artists whose songs I am going to do Stevie Wonder, Eric Clapton, Linda Ronstadt”   So here is the kicker this guy started hitting on me buying me a drink etc. I told him it was not going to go anywhere that I was old enough to be his mother.

    Here is how stupid he was first of all he asked me “How old are you?”   When I told him he walked around to my back checked out my ass and get this he said “Damn you’re well get this preserved.” I laughed because apparently I am old enough to be a mummy or a jar of apricot preserves.   So is that proof enough about younger guys are looking for in preserved older women.

    Secondly, my voice coach is 23 reads classic literature comma we have so many things in common it’s ridiculous. And he has knowledge of my Generations music and as a musician. So you know why would not be attracted. But when I how the fantasy of sleeping with him it also includes waking up the next morning and hearing the line from Maggie May, ” the morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.” Fantasy ruined.

    I want a man more around my age that has the same interests as me some different interests then I have that we can share and learn from each other. And when I have that fantasy Rod Stewart never comes to mind.

    1. 102.1

      Karlene 102

      You are a funny writer!! Your voice coach sounds great!

      You said that that because the young guy looked at your preserved ass , that was proof of what younger men are looking for…….. I actually think that is proof of what all men are looking for … the fact that he’s young isn’t any different from most any other guy. You still have it going on!!

  3. 103
    Been there

    You can find younger men looking for a serious relationship, but how likely it is to happen depends how you define younger, life stages and where you’re looking.

    Evan is being harsh, when women think of younger they include what would be for a man a perfectly acceptable range of say 5 years younger, but men will call a woman dating a 5 year younger man a “cougar”, it’s a double standard. For a man to date a 5 year older woman of hes used to 5 years younger youll be 10 years older than his usual date so keep that in mind when choosing, you want someone who dates across the age range who won’t see it as a problem.

    You need to identify your strengths and work to them, a younger woman will be percieved as wanting children where the men youre interested in may already have them and not want more for example. Another edge is if you take care of yourself and are clean living where women his age party and take drugs. Younger does not automatically mean more attractive and a few solid months of snorting one thing or another will add a decade to a previously stunning young woman, as will tanning, smoking, yoyo diets or general self abuse. You’ll do better in person, online age will kill your chances unless you lie about your age and hope he has too and gets why. In person you get to see who is really attracted to you and who you’re attracted to and calibrate your search to suit.

    In the older age groups women are leaning toward young husbands, the reports I’m getting is they are both very happy. The older women get the more it happens but it does seem to be with men who either already have a family or don’t want to have kids, and there are plenty of them around getting frustrated ending ip on dates with women who do, by the time they meet someone older it’s a relief not to have to plead their case.

  4. 104

    I’m 46 years old and absolutely gorgeous with an athletic,  hourglass figure and tight booty. I’m an amazing dancer and very sexy. If I could find a guy my age and older that matches me aesthetically and is just as vibrant, I’d totally go for it, but unfortunately there are men that are a few years younger than me that look like they can be a young father to me. I’m just not turned on by it. There are men younger than me who are incredibly into me, not just physically, but I’m so much fun it’s as if they are with someone their age or younger.

    When it comes to baggage, younger men have it as well and I actually believe the younger ones haven’t properly dealt with those issues yet, but I’m not bothered by it.

    Sex is very important to me in a relationship and I need to feel I’m with my equal aesthetically or I’ll never enjoy it to the fullest.

    1. 104.1

      And yes, at 46 I still go clubbing and I blend in perfectly. No one believes I’m 46. Yes, I’m drunk with flattery LMAO!

      1. 104.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        You’re also drunk with unrealistic expectations. Your “aesthetic equal” is probably not looking for you. Nor is he necessarily good in bed. Nor is there any indication that hot men are of higher character than normally attractive men. So perhaps consider going out with a 7 in chemistry and landing a 10 in compatibility, instead of holding out for a 10 in chemistry and realizing that you’ve spent your entire life alone because of your self-imposed desire for a “gorgeous” man.

        1. Persephone

          Dear Evan, I have adored you, your cuteness, your videos, and your blog for almost a year now.

          But Ouch!

          I could be that same woman. I could be Aurora, with a couple sentence changes.   There are those fairy-tale seemingly   immortal women among us who are real.   Looking young and beautiful is what most women believe they desire, but “be careful what you ask for,” because it is also a curse.

          I get where Aurora is coming from. It is frustrating.   If an 8 or 10 female gets into a relationship with a 6 or less guy, the guy is going to turn mean and controlling on her.

          I have tried to submit posts describing my misery, but you never approve them.   Maybe you should do a thread on those of us who really do look freakishly young and beautiful, to our detriment. But if you did, it would be full of people bashing them, saying things like “I never met a women who was a 10 who was not self-centered.”    A woman tried to beat me up, and she pulled my hair, because she was jealous of me just simply for being me–but for being the only female at my job, who also happened to be her husband’s coworker.

          It is not isolated to one gender. My ex-husband looked like Antonio Banderas, and the men in the clubs would try to pick fights with him. After our divorce, my neighbor in town   admitted they referred to us as “Barbie and Ken.”   That hurt. The same neighbors refused to get to know me, until after my mother’s death and my divorce, when I saw her out in the yard the morning of Thanksgiving, and gave her a sob story about me being alone on a holiday.   (Oh, right, because I was beautiful, it must have been that I was alone out of selfishness.)

          We as a society say that we like beautiful people, but then we treat them bad, or as a 1 dimensional character. We humans are so jealous by nature that we ignore their skills, their accomplishments, their kindness.

      2. 104.1.2

        I am in the same situation, I have already had my family and not looking for a husband. I am not attracted to men my own age, I forced myself to have sex with a couple of them but felt disgusted with myself and during the act I would shut my eyes so I would not look at them. I am ONLY attracted to young men, some young men like older women. I take good care of myself, hit the gym and have had cosmetic surgery. As I have never tanned my skin is still good. Yes, most young men are only after sex, but, I cant see why that is so terrible for many people! Evan might disagree but sex is important and there is nothing wrong with a woman liking sex as much as a man does. I have decided to no longer pursue a society approved “committed relationship” with an “age appropriate” man, as there’s no point in it for me. I decided to just go with the flow and enjoy the rest of my life!!!!

    2. 104.2


      Also, I’m not even looking for a guy that’s 15 years younger lol. I’ve had relationships with guys 12 years younger and they’ve lasted. Btw they still aren’t in a serous relationship. I’m seeing someone now who’s 8 years younger. Definitely not cougarville for sure. We gew up in the same era.

  5. 105

    I’m 30 goodlooking fit and I’m more attracted to older woman not just sexually love the maturity and love the way they make me feel

  6. 106

    While I do agree with people that does sound good to brag yourself so much and the reasons she gives do come off a bit shallow, but I do think are making the mistake of judging her as being shallow for wanting to date a much younger guy and that they aren’t compatible. I think Evan is overstating that nearly everyone 30-year old man is not ready for a relationship. Maybe a majority, I know quite few guys younger than that have been in long term relationships. Just because most 30 year olds see older women as sex fling, doesn’t mean they all do. Hugh Jackman at 28 married a woman 13 years his senior and they are still together. Also look up Jason Momoa and Aaron Taylor Johnson. The problem with taking statistics too seriously, is that people use it to jump conclusions that majority or even large percentage means 100%. Call her it out for reasons, but don’t try to shame over the age difference. Saying she will only find love through someone close to her age is just dumb. And just because she is 40 doesn’t automatically she  mean can’t keep up or outdue fit younger her. There are 40 year old professional boxers that can fight 12 rounds. Karl R made the mistake of assuming what’s true for some is true for all. So my point, both her and the judgmental people need to get over themselves.

    1. 106.1

      And another thing, I understand her point about her age. While some are still active and outgoing, there are quite people who become boring and lose their inner child. While you should be serious about life, being too serious can rob of your joy and turn you into different person. A common complaint I hear from women in their late 30s is that too many men they meet in the 40s act like tired old men that don’t much effort anymore.

  7. 107

    , I stand firmly by my belief that age does not matter. I was fully transparent with in a relationship I had with a guy I met at a club. . It’s not my fault he guessed me to be around 21 when he met me. I was actually 35. He never asked my age, and I never asked his. We just plain and simple liked each other. I never lied to him. Some of this goes contrary to what some posters on her claim–that men like to keep thing simple and that it is women who complicate things. If men want to keep things so simple, they should just simply enjoy their partner wihout all these age and income perameters.

  8. 108

    Quote: “he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.”

    WRONG!!   He is never going to tell his new wife that.!!!   LOL

    He’ll brag to his mates, yes.   But his wife… are you insane?

  9. 109

    Dating is a “free market economy” where there is a match or not. Age is one variable just like $, height, looks, etc.   They can all be trade offs.   The only iffi part is child bearing years or not. If an older guy can get a younger woman-great.   If an older woman can get a younger guy- great. Both genders need to be careful of the long term chances of cheating and divorce.

    Question:   Evan, if a guy lists an age range that is 20 years younger than him to max 10 years younger in his profile, is this a major red flag about him ??????

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