I read your book: “Why You’re Still Single” (among many, many other single self-help books,) and I’m here because I trust your opinion. You say it like it is, not what wants to be heard. And that’s important. My question comes with a bit of back story. I am a 23 year old college graduate who has been single my entire life.No boyfriends, no serious relationships. Just dates and casual relationships. I have a lot of baggage and emotional torment that keeps me from opening up to men completely, you know, the classic ‘daddy issues’ and other various insecurities, including body image. I am 5’9″ and over 250 lbs. You wouldn’t guess that if you saw me! But I’m not a supermodel (that’s perfectly clear and I’m not making any excuses.) I’m a curvy girl. Pretty face, nice smile, good personality. But imperfect. Aren’t we all? I am well aware that I am damaged and need a little repair before I can find a healthy relationship that is good and that lasts. I’m working on it slowly, attempting to build my self-esteem and self-confidence enough so that I get to the point where I can go out into the dating world unafraid of what I have to offer. I’m a chronic offender of settling for a sexual relationship to make myself feel ‘wanted’ and also of accepting the wrong men (great advice, by the way) because I feel that is the only way I can get men to really want me. It’s horrible and I hate this mindset. I’m resolved to change. Therefore, my question for you is: What can or should I do to build up my confidence and feel secure and attractive when I approach men? How can I start believing that I am worth more than I give away? I want so badly to respect myself so that men will respect me, but I’ve started off with such bad habits and I’m having trouble breaking them. I hope you can help me, or that you can point in the direction of past articles that will give me some clarity and empowerment. Thank you! – Heather
Thank you very much for trusting my opinion. Sincerely. I’m honored.
Yet I must remind you that I’m not a psychologist – just a guy who’s been on two million dates and has spent an inordinate about of time talking about them.
That said, apart from the obvious fact that you need “real” therapy, not “internet blog therapy,” there are some things that you can do to break your bad habits NOW.
As I see it, you’re in the middle of a vicious cycle.
Baggage. Emotional Torment. Body Issues. Daddy issues. Sex issues. Insecurities.
You have to make a choice to no longer tolerate bad behavior on the part of men.
You’re not necessarily responsible for how you got there; you are responsible for how you stop it. Just as a smoker is responsible for stopping smoking, despite the physical and emotional addiction to the process, you have to make a choice to no longer tolerate bad behavior on the part of men.