I Make $40K And My Girlfriend Never Offers To Pay For Anything

My Girlfriend Never Offers To Pay For Anything

Hello Evan. I recently started dating a girl. I really enjoy her company and she enjoys mine. We get along fine, we’re really into each other and we share many commonalities. There’s only one issue – money! I have absolutely no problems taking her out on dates and footing the bill 100% but we’ve been on about 5 dates and we’ve hung out with mutual friends on numerous occasions, but she never even offers to pay – not even a disingenuous offer. I understand that if we are happy, then money is a small price to pay, but I barely finished college and only make $40,000 a year. I cannot afford to spend $200 every weekend. I mean, even when we’re not on dates, she expects me to pay. I don’t know how she got this old fashioned mindset, but it’s really starting to bug me. Personally, I work just as hard as she does for my money and I don’t find it fair but at the same time, I find it too early in the relationship to bring it up. I just don’t want her getting the idea that I’m ok with it or that she can take advantage.I don’t even expect her to pay half. If we go out to dinner, I’ll pay for the date and the dinner, but the least she could do is pay for our ice cream or maybe buy me a single drink? I want to have that feeling, like if we’re at a bar and my girl comes up to me and asks me what I want. It’s like she has my back. It’s not about the cash- it’s more about being appreciated and not taken advantage of. I do not know how to approach the situation. I know she is going to explode if I bring it up, but how much of this should I take? I am not cheap, but at the same time, I am not made out of money. Does it make me a bad person to be thinking this way? I am somewhat of a liberal, progressive thinker, and her traditional mindset seems backwards to me. Advice? —David

We’ve established that men and women are equal.

Thank you, David, for writing a question that addresses the very hypocrisy of modern-day dating.

We’ve established that men and women are equal.

We’ve established that women are more highly educated and (often) make more money than their male counterparts.

We’ve established that the concept of men paying for dates came from a time when women didn’t work and therefore men HAD to pay.

Which leads this blog to receive comments that read like this:

“In our society, it has always been customary for a man to pay for a woman’s dinner. Men are wired to protect, and take care of a woman. If he doesn’t want to pay for dinner that is a glimpse into his character and/or how he was raised. Any self-respecting woman should steer clear of such a man. It doesn’t matter if she has decided not to see him again before she even picks up her fork. If he is a gentlemen, he will gladly pay and expect nothing in return.”

Anyone who feels that way should go back and read David’s letter.

Stop acting like you’re six-years-old and don’t have a purse with cash and credit cards in it.

This is a liberal, progressive thinker — a good man of modest means — who is trying to do the “right thing” and pick up the check as the anachronistic rules of chivalry still dictate.

He’s not railing against the concept of picking up the tab while he’s courting her — he’s just annoyed that he feels taken for granted. And when a woman never reaches for the check, offers to split, or insists on picking up the tip, the cab, or the coffee afterwards, it can really start to wear on a guy.

I am a man. You are a woman. You are not poor or helpless or dependent.

So stop acting like you’re six-years-old and don’t have a purse with cash and credit cards in it.

Stop acting like he should be thrilled to drain his account in hopes that he might procure a good night kiss.

Stop acting like you’re not really his equal when you want to be treated equally in every other respect.

As I said here, if we can agree it’s in good form for a man to pick up the check while courting you, we should also be able to agree that it’s in good form for a woman to offer to split the check and/or insist on picking up the check while he’s courting you.

If you think it’s rude when men don’t pay, we think it’s rude when you assume we will pay.

It’s basic golden-rule stuff, y’all.

I’m not expecting much dissent on this one, but if you’re brave enough to explain why the original poster David is wrong, cheap, or short-sighted, have at it.

Personally, I think he speaks for just about every man I’ve ever met who got sick of being an ATM.

Here was my breaking point — when some woman intimated that she was my “sugar mama” after I allowed her to split the check on our fourth date.

And you think that women are the only ones who get burned out on dating…

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  1. 1

    If you don’t agree on something as simple as who is paying, this early on in the relationship, you are onto a loser. Sorry, but if you were right for each other, this stuff wouldn’t even register with you. That’s just myhonestanswer.

    1. 1.1

      I kind of agree with honest…  
      Why are we wanting or trying to change
      people??? If you would like someone who
      wants to share cost with you… it is simple…
      Date that girl… The real question here is.. Why  
      do we make life so difficult when the truth is
      looking us straight in the eyes???

      1. 1.1.1

        thats bias. hes evidently not looking for someone to share costs. youre probably a woman like the one he describes

    2. 1.2

      I totally agree!!!!

    3. 1.3

      Don’t get me started.   I went to a concert with one such and understandably so, she asked me to hold her credit card and cash in my wallet because she wanted to leave her purse in a public locker.   After the show, she wanted to stop off at a bakery to pick up some things for her brothers and parents.   When we get to the register, I attempted to hand her back her credit card  and cash and she swatted my hand away.   Confused, I asked, “Don’t you want this back?”   She angrily takes it out of my hand and spits, “We’re on a date, you should be covering me”.   Taken aback, I told her I already paid for her ticket and drinks and I was not going to cover people who I haven’t even met.   The next day, she would text me non-stop, asking for dinner.   So when we finally do go and it’s time to pay the bill, I suggested we split it.   She replied, “Sorry, I don’t do dutch.   Only friends do that.   Besides, I left my credit cards at home”.   How convenient.   During our relationship, she never offered to pay once even disingenuously.   It was quite obvious I was her ATM and free meal ticket.   In retrospect, I should have asked from day one if she expects her date to pay for everything.   Caveat emptor: my now ex is from a traditional Asian upbringing where women are expected to not work, stay at home rearing the kids, clean the house and cook 3 meals a day in the kitchen.   It’d be interesting to see how many women this day and age would agree to that in exchange for a breadwinner.

  2. 2

    Yes. Maybe it’s because I came of age in the 80’s, when we girls really were all about being independent and pulling our weight, but I don’t understand the old-fashioned “he always pays” mindset at all. Part of a good dating relationship includes doing nice things for each other, and that means paying for dates, too.
    It bothers me quite a bit when women want to have it both ways- be treated as equals when it benefits them, but revert to old-school helplessness when it comes to paying.

    1. 2.1

      Ladies, I think what he’s trying to say is he doesn’t mind paying for all her meals or expenses when going out every time. What a man want’s to see, is that a woman showing appreciation and the willingness to understand what a man is doing. A man has bills and expenses just like you women. He just want’s to know that she would give her last dollar to feed him, which will give him a warm and good feeling. Appreciating her wanting to pay, giving her the opportunity to court him. As well as understanding what this women is willing to do for him, meaning him going to the end of the earth to do anything for her. That’s my take on this subject and that’s how I feel & hope it changes the view for some women.

      1. 2.1.1

        I wish I could find a man that I could appreciate.   Im currently seeing a guy who only takes anc could give a damn about my needs. Im learning slowly and moving forward I would never let a person take advantage me. In short she thinks hes being a classy person by default because she   sitting back letting you pay. In reality she looks like a peasant mooching pheasant…..leave her

      2. 2.1.2

        I completely disagree with Tony who seems to think she just has to show more appreciation without paying anything.   Afterall, David wrote that he only makes so much and cannot afford all this expense saying “I’m not made of money”.

        Don’t miss the message: Guys want to see the money these days, too, and they are not beyond dumping you if they think you’re cheap or hypocritical.

      3. 2.1.3
        Never mind

        man you are speaking for hundreds of millions of men. A lot of women want to be equal but when it comes to 💰 the aren’t

    2. 2.2
      riley Edited

      I love women like you who understands we live in a modern time (more women have degrees than men). This article resonate with me deeply, here my experience dating as early-mid 20s male in 2019.

      1. Girls want equality when beneficial.
      2. Girls want old-school benefits.
      3. Female of all ages are given more mentorship and encouragement than males of all ages. Education system is soooo bias in favor of girls and against boys. Yet continue to invest more succeeding girls in STEM where 50/50 gender hasn’t been reached… BUT REFUSE TO INVEST IN BOYS WHERE BOYS ARE FAILING – MOST SUBJECTS. Education hasn’t gotten harder either, overall IQ has been dropping in western countries. Useful innovation, invention and scientific discovery have been stagnant.. The amount of boy hating by adult women teachers in school is common.
      4. Girls can be very abusive when things doesn’t go their way. Destroying, assaulting, yelling, insulting.
      5. Girls are “Strong, independent women”

  3. 3

    My boyfriend and I take turns paying for our dates.   It’s 50/50.   I make good money and can take care of myself.   Why should I expect him to pay all the time?   He takes such good care of me in other ways.

    1. 3.1

      I agree. My bf & I take turns. We make the same amount of money & I don’t mind spending on him. If you care for someone, you don’t care about that. You care about how to make the other person feel appreciated & cared for. Besides, I like to show my guy my independence & that he found a winner & not a moocher.  

      1. 3.1.1
        J. Culpepper

        Thank you Onel for your refreshing reply. As a fellow female, I agree 100% with what you said. I also agree 100% with what David asked in the OP.   I  make   about $20,000 more a year than my boyfriend. He has treated me very well, and is very generously.  We take turns paying for dates. He pays one week, I pay the next. That is the right and fair thing to do. I personally would not want a man to always pay for everything.  Its good to have conversations about this  before you start a serious relationship. My boyfriend and I did just that. I am so  glad we did.  We both agreed that a relationship is a two-way street. The costs should be shared 50/50, if possible.

        My boyfriend did pay for the first few dates. But I did not feel right continuing to let him pay for everything all the time, especially since I make more money than he does.   Its one thing if the guy makes it clear that he wants to pay for everything, and the woman agrees to that. Its another to just assume that the guy always has to pay for everything, period.   If a woman truly loves the man, she should at least offer to pay for a date at least once in a while. A woman who does nothing but mooch off a man is just taking advantage, and really does not love him.

        1. Beth

          Such a lucky people you guys are. I dated with a separated man and we share at every dates and even trips when I make money 4 times less than him. Oh but some trip he paid for my flight that was about $256 but I had to share for hotel and my own food. I kind of complained him sometimes after 7 months in a relationship only got nice birthday lunch and $250 nice watch when sometimes I paid for our food as well with little income and even he knows he never asked if that was ok for me to hang out, eat out with him with not much money left for saving. And one day he also said to me that I aimed to take his money when I was unemployed which I never asked him to support at all. I think some times guys are selfish so I suggested him to find a prostitute to sleep with.

        2. ulisesc88

          love the way you think. Hope to meet a women like yourself soon

    2. 3.2

      I agree. Once courtship is ovet, don’t expect a man to pay for everything.   If he bought dinner and drinks,   buy an ice cream cone or dessert at a cafe

    3. 3.3
      Karin wesdell

      The key word here is “boyfriend.”   In a relationship, I feel both should share paying.   During courtship, however, the man should pay.

  4. 4

    I’ve always been one of the ones saying that I expect a man to pay for the first date, and really, the second too.
    After that, I have usually offered something. Maybe I buy the ice cream/dessert if he buys the dinner. Or I buy the popcorn if he buys the movie tickets. Or I suggest a restaurant for which I have a coupon/Groupon.
    When the two are exclusive, 50/50 or however else the couple wants to handle it is fine.
    David, what is this girl’s response to free or cheaper dates? $200 a weekend is a lot… I’ve never been in that kind of dating relationship, except the brief period with the one rich guy who could afford it, and even then, we still went to Outback sometimes!
    Also, have you all had a talk about this? If you mention that you only make $40,000 and that you’d still like to go out, but the budget is tight, what is her reaction?

    1. 4.1
      John doe

      She is a gold digger. He needs to kick her to the curb. From the 60s______to now we men do not owe women anything. I’m 42 I did not oppress women so in light of what a man should do is a joke. Like most women today it’s all about them and needs and wants. Open your own door. A man and woman today are the same. The law says paying for sex is a crime so why is it not a crime to use men to pay your way. The only woman I would   support is a virgin. And guess what woman today give it out like candy. But it’s no longer candy when she has more miles then a gray hound bus.   

      1. 4.1.1
        Radical Radish

        Misogyny makes you sound like a pouting little boy. Men and women are different. X and Y are different. Woman is the default human. She is the ideal specimen. You, otoh, have a virus known as the y chromosome.  

        Not kidding; the y is actually deteriorating. The reason so many men hold sentiments like yours is.. that they are rotting from the inside out on a cellular level.

        Use your free will to comprehend this: Men oppress women. Government “feminism” has hijacked grassroots feminism. They have skewed it all to make money off the movement.

        Women are no better off now than they were in the 60s. Not bc of feminism. But bc feminism is continually being ransacked.   

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          “A virus” known as the y chromosome? And why would any man value the opinion of someone who thinks that manhood is a virus? You’re trolling the wrong blog. This is a place for women who want to be in relationships with men, not women who hate men.

  5. 5

    When I was actively dating, I made $13k/year because I was in grad school and dated working professionals almost exclusively.   So of course I expected them to pay.   When I dated other grad students, I didn’t have that expectation.

    When I started dating Jake, he always paid because he was making $90K+ per year and  I was making (at first) the aforementioned $13K and then (after I graduated), $40K.   If I had been expected to chip in then we wouldn’t have been able to go out.

    Now it will be interesting to see how things change.   We are officially engaged, but actually eloped a few weeks ago without telling anyone so that he could quit his job and start his own business but still have health insurance.   So for now we are going dutch when we go out (and cutting way, way back on going out) until we see what kind of money he makes.

    1. 5.1

      Similar situation, girlfriend and myself.   My income is six figures.   And she went back to school so she’s a bit of a starving student these days.   I have no issues paying for her.   But she doesn’t insist that we go out that much.   Or she will concsiously pick cheaper activities.   Or she will quit often cook me dinner at home.  
      I appreciate that.   The girl i dated right before my gf was also a starving student and  never reached for the cheque.   But worse, she wasn’t happy just going to regular places.   And though she was actually in to me and was a pheonomenal individual (very attractive, spoke 5 languages and two graduate degrees in engineering and french literature), it made me feel used and it made me feel that there is no way I could ever get into a sustainable relationship with such a woman.  
      Then I met my gf.   Cute.   And a Walmart shopper.   I know I will go far with a woman who watches the budget at home.   And whatever I’ve saved on all those dates she never wanted to go on, I’ll be spending on a really nice proposal and ring shortly.   Her modesty has certainly earned my generosity.

      1. 5.1.1

        Lucky woman and a dreamed man ever. You and your girlfriend are smart and also you are such a good man who value your girlfriend. Such a nice couple. I wish my bf would think like you.

    2. 5.2

      If you are married and make decent money and making your husband split the bill while he’s not working, that’s just being cheap and a double standard!

  6. 6

    You failed to mention the girlfriends financial status? Can she afford to help pay for the dates? Does she suggest expensive restaurants all the time and you agree knowing your going to have to pay. The answer to this seems simple, just talk to her about her and explain your financial situation and you love spending time with her but can’t afford to do the same things your doing if she doesn’t help pay for the dates. If she blows up at you then she is not the women you would want to form a future with, right?    

  7. 7

    I will also add that during the “he paid for all going out” period, I did all the housework, grocery shopping, and cooking.   Now that he is going to be working from home, he’s going to do half of that stuff.

  8. 8
    Ms Maz

    (Long time lurker, first time commenting!)

    I’m all with Fawn, #3!

    I’d never expect a guy to pay for me. In fact, it bothers me when he does. I’m the kind of gal who has pretty much been out on her own since the age of 17, working since 14. I always feel guilty when I am not contributing to some aspect of a date, therefore, I always do my best to make sure I contribute something, whether it’s the tip, the dessert, or my meal in general. I’ve never felt comfortable having someone pick up my tab for anything, but perhaps that’s just because I’m so used to doing  everything for myself.

    I may only make maybe 28K, but I work two jobs, attend nursing school, own my home and a car. I STILL refuse to have a man pay for me. I just think it needs to be fair and well rounded on each side. My  boyfriend is a touring musician, so he’s not exactly raking in the bucks, either, but I don’t care about that. We try to find ways to make dates fun and economically sound. I don’t mind picking up my part of the check or covering his drinks because I know he’ll do it for me when it’s his “turn.” Isn’t that what we should be striving for in a relationship? Equality, all the way around? It’s kind of selfish and unfair to have such archaic expectations of a guy.

    It’s unfortunate that something so fun and  exciting often turns into a big fat hole in your pocket. This ancient standard needs to be done away with, pronto!

  9. 9

    I agree with SS on this: it’s nice for the guy to pay for the first and second date.   He can pick the venue, so he should select something he feels comfortable paying for.   This just establishes that’s he’s interested.   After that, there can be more sharing, and when there’s a bf/gf relationship, it can be more 50/50.
    David, you’ve clearly shown her you’re into her on this front, so I’d just suggest telling her honestly what’s bothering you and see how she reacts.
    Also, Honey’s comment about housekeeping, cooking etc brings up another interesting point, in that women who live with their partners often have this second, unpaid job that they’re expected to do…so things not being equal that way anyhow, it seems reasonable for the man to bring a bit more money into things, unless he’d like to do laundry and some cleaning and grocery shopping too.

    1. 9.1

      Yes I agree it’s not always 50/50 so dates don’t always have to be.   If you do a lot of the extra work around the house then sure he may take you out more often.

      Now why should the guy have to pay for the first few dates?   What if you go out on a couple of dates where the guy pays and the girl then decides she doesn’t like him, now he’s out of pocket for nothing!

      1. 9.1.1
        Radical Radish

        And this is a great way to keep men serious about who they “date”. When a man has to pay, he can’t treat it all like a buffet, just grabbing a bunch of different stuff like a loose one. He has to actually *already know a woman well enough through friends or common activities/interests that he isn’t worried about that.*

        Men should pay.  

  10. 10

    There are other ways a woman can make a man feel appreciated during dating besides offering to pay on dates – eg cooking at home,  coming up with  theatre, movie or concert  tickets, preparing a surprise picnic etc etc etc

    1. 10.1

      If he is a man in every other respect, why would payment on the date be necessary to show his dominance? That’s what this dynamic is really about. The woman wants him to prove his dominance (and it’s kind of sexy that he does it in public, as if the amount he’s paying on the date is nothing to him).

      This backfires, however, when the man intentionally tries to throw money around when he does not need to do so, or even worse – when his LACK of dominance in OTHER areas of the relationship require his compensating with “impressive” spending.

  11. 11

    People are just different.
    I have girlfriends who are exactly like David’s girl and they have never paid for anything; they don’t believe in it, nor were they raised that way. There are even men who feel like it’s never a woman’s job to pay for anything. But then there’s me…I’ve always paid half for everything in a relationship even when I was just seriously dating someone and not in a relationship. And sometimes, I feel like I’m cheapening myself.
    Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Can we really blame the men or the women?
    More often than not, women act or think this way because they have been taught to believe that men take care of women and one way men take care of women is through financial means. But sometimes, it’s enough to say to a woman…”I would love to buy you everything your heart’s desire, but right now I just can’t.”
    If this is such an issue…why not tell your significant other and if she/he doesn’t like it, then it’s something you have to decide if you can put up with it.

  12. 12

    Okay Evan, I’ll rise to your challenge. Please hear the playful tone in my fingers as I type this.
    I do think the man-always-pays rule is silly.   I also think the men-date-younger, women-date-older rule is silly.   You have argued successfully that I should accept that latter rule.   You say that’s how it is, and I can’t expect to change it.   You say that I can play by the rules, or I can stay at home on Saturday night.   
    So… shouldn’t you be saying the same thing to this guy?   Are you here to advocate for change, or to figure out how to work optimally in the system we have?   Your response to this guy makes me think you might want to have it both ways….?….

  13. 13

    I believe the issue here is that it needs to be discussed openly…
    I am now 57 and divorced…and living on very little money… with very little extra cash to spend… It was always my experience that when a man invites you to dinner or lunch or whatever.. he does plan to pay for it…and I have always shown my appreciation… by thanking him and then offering to do other things within my means…
    I was recently dating someone…   While discussing our lives and how we live.. I told him about my meager living up front…so he knew… I had no idea what his finances were like… He invited me out to a few meals… nothing fancy…we went camping and so on….. I purchased groceries on a couple of camping trips….brought snacks and beverages….picked up breakfast a couple of times… told him to toss his fruit in with my groceries… made him dinner… and contributed to a meal here and there….
    He invited me to an event he wanted me to attend with him.. so that he could introduce me to things he likes….. He was preregistered but…he had not done so for me… When we got there.. I was surprised to find them asking me for $45 cash or check I did not have… No cards taken so.. there I stood.. I turned to him…and then he said he had it…. and I was “his guest anyway”… So I got the feeling there was an issue… I’m not sure that all I did do was enough for him…. but he NEVER would discuss what he really needed from me… I wish he had been willing to….
    Yes…money can be an uncomfortable thing to discuss but it’s necessary… If you are dating and need the other person to contribute in some way.. it’s important to be able to express what you need… If you cannot do it now… how will you do it if the relationship goes further?
    Maybe you just don’t go out to dinner as much…and instead have fun cooking together at home…   Take her out when you can…and do things that are not costly otherwise… When I was dating my ex-husband we took turns…. one got the meat…the other picked up the wine…   I do believe a woman needs to show you she appreciates you by doing what she can to contribute…
    I’ve made picnic lunches and brought the food & wine to outdoor concerts…etc… There are ways within your means to show someone you want to do for them as well… and do it within your means….
    I’d appreciate feedback on this question?
    If a man does have much more money to spend than I… isn’t it okay for him to pick up these dates he is inviting me on…..and allow me to do all those things I do to show my appreciation… within my means?

    1. 13.1


      I have to reply to your post. I think in an ideal world, you’re absolutely correct. It’s not that someone has to match $ for $, but that it’s in the act of caring for the other person. You don’t have to make what they make, but showing them you appreciate them goes a long way. I’m sorry that the person you were with couldn’t see that.

      Caring for the other person goes a LONG way toward bridging the gaps. If you’re the ‘softer’ person, and they’re the ‘harder’ one, simply being soft and caring can be enough to bridge a 300k a year salary divide.

      While men may complain about the financial aspect, what it comes down to is that they want to feel appreciated and supported. In the original letter, the man doesn’t, because (to him) his financial well-being has been completely subverted by a person who doesn’t appear to have any concern as to what happens to him. It’s NOT that she doesn’t spend anything, it’s that she’s financially breaking him, and he can’t get her to pony up for anything.


      Yes, this requires communication on both sides. She needs to actually be aware that she’s financially breaking this person before we could adequately judge her level of concern. He needs to ‘sack up’ and actually say something, without being a jerk about it. Simply explaining the balance sheet if often enough to get someone moving. Often we present images of ourselves that aren’t accurate in order to impress someone. If she thinks he makes 40k a year, and he can spend $200 a week on fun, then she may not know any better. Some people who make 40k a year could eat that and not be hurt, because their balance sheet is different. We can all agree a multimillionaire who’s only taking in 40k a year to shelter their assets from taxation is far different from someone fresh out of college who has rent or a mortgage and other bills.


  14. 14

    Lovestuff @11
    You are absolutely right. I have experienced all of this.
    All but one of the men I dated paid on the first two dates. I used to attempt to assist with something (part of the bill, the tip, dessert) on the first two dates, but because all of the men asked me out and all of them paid for everything without hesitation, that became my preferred option.
    There were two men who wouldn’t let me pay for anything, even after we’d been on the fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh date. I offered, but they shut me down each time. Both of these men were conservative Southerners. Me paying for anything was simply not an option. Now they did both make more than me, but still… we weren’t going to expensive restaurants. I could have picked up a joint tab of $16 at Cracker Barrel.   😉
    I personally never wanted to have the attitude that I pay for nothing because I’m a woman, although those two Southern guys sure made it difficult to go back to a more egalitarian system, lol.   BUT, I never was going to get into the mold of always paying half of everything. I know I got into a big ole argument with folks on another post about this, but I don’t believe in 50/50 straight-down-the-middle behavior in a relationship. I do, however, think that men and women can contribute equitably to a relationship without them having to take on the same roles (for example: men paying for most of the dates, but women helping with tips or snacks, doing a nice home-cooked meal, planning a picnic lunch, etc.)
    But it’s up to each couple to figure that out and what works for them. I don’t have a problem if David’s date is one who expects men to pay for everything, although this type of woman might need to find a conservative Southerner if that’s what she expects!!!! That could be how she was raised and that could be what she’s experienced from past dates.
    BUT, if David wants to continue to be with her, he MUST have a discussion with her about his financial situation. They can either work out a good compromise (like cheaper or free dates), or he might have to find someone else.

    1. 14.1


      I got ONE QUESTION for you:

      How can it be “equitable” (you want to tell us that each contributes equally don’t you?), if he has to pay way more then she does?

      greetings LAX
      ps: I am from good old Germany and I would never accept any woman who thinks I will – exclusively – pay her way (I might, stress: MIGHT (!), pay for the first date, but only if she at the very least offers to split the costs, if she does not, I will demand it…I am not a walking ATM…)

  15. 15

    I’m going to admit what I’ve done, and what I think.  

    What I’ve done
    I’ve always offered to help pay for a date, unless the dating pattern with a particular male was so entrenched that I knew he would never accept that I help pay and that I was  mortally wounding his sense of masculinity by even offering.   Living in the south, most of the men always refused my help.   There was only a small handful that let me pick up the cost of anything, and to be honest, maybe only about 30-40% of the time or so.     So they would usually pick up the majority of the cost.   (This does not count for coffee first dates as that was frequently dutch as whoever would get their first would get their own drink, then the person coming second would get their own.)

    What I think
    I’m with BeenThruTheWars with this one (or what I expect her to say).   It’s really nice when a man pays.   It doesn’t have to be expensive.   It can be McDonald’s, or going to free festivals/concerts, playing Wii, renting a movie from Blockbuster (or heck, for free from the library).  

    This is not to say that the woman shouldn’t contribute.   She can buy tickets to the theater or football game.   She can find coupons/gift certificates for favorite restaurants.   She can also cook.   I usually cooked at least one meal out of three that boyfriends and I had, and it was good food too.  

    Of the guys I dated who let me pay, each of them ended up being a real jerk in some important aspects.   In contrast, about 10-15% of the guys who paid ended up being real jerks.   Is it possible to date a great guy where the financial costs are split more evenly?   Absolutely.    At the same time though,  I didn’t have that experience.

    The man I ended up marrying paid for most of our dates out (unless it was the opera or symphony in which case I definitely paid).   We’re both teachers so neither of us is wealthy, and we earn a comparable amount of money.   Now that we’re married we have a joint account so now there is no s/he paid, it’s we paid.  

  16. 16
    Katarina Phang

    First, why would the OP even consider spending $200 every week?   That’s plain idiocy, I’m sorry.   You still can have wonderful dates without paying a dime.   My date took me to the Farmer’s market, got some oysters ($10), then to “Psychiatry: The Industry of Death” museum in LA sponsored by the Church of Scientology and we had a blast.   It was free.

    Second, most women (at least myself) give in different ways.   I don’t wait till 5 dates to start giving him something.   i cooked or got him little gifts (one time I brought him his favorite fried chicken, got him milk when he was sick).   For example, after the museum we ended up shopping and he almost got a brain hemorrhage because he couldn’t find me since I got so hooked on the summer dress section.   I felt bad so I insisted on paying for his french press.

    Then he took me to lunch at a sports bar.   We split a sandwich.   We got a couple of beers and it only cost him round $20.   The we hung out at my place.

    It was the most wonderful date ever and we had a blast.

    A lot of times we just hung out at his place watching movies/shows or walking his dog/hiking, dog playdate, etc, and ate in.   There are so many ways to have a fabulous date, who says you need to pay $200/week?   Be creative.   It’s the company not how much you spend.

    1. 16.1

      One of the best first dates I ever went on, didn’t cost a dime.   We walked up & down Central Ave popping in and out of Art Galleries, one of the museums was no admission that night, then we went riding in glass elevators, to see the city lights at night.  
      In the early stages, I would rather have a guy spend his TIME, not his DIME.   There are so many free things to do around where I live, many of them mentioned in my online profile, that there is no excuse for a man to try and impress with with some high dollar expensive date, and then complain if I don’t split the check.  

  17. 17

    First few dates , guy ask, guy pays after that they can alternate or split depending on who does the asking.   I have some guys that never let me pay, but most are OK with  splitting it or alternating. Some dates even before we go, it’s known who is paying.       I like nice places and things and have no problem paying.

  18. 18

    David, I agree with you.  She sounds like a high-maintenance taker.   Are you sure you want a relationship with her?

    I am a bit surprised you are having $200 dates anyways.   That’s a lot of dough.   Are you planning these outings, or is she?   If you are picking the restaurants, etc, then perhaps you should start going to cheaper places and see if she acts like she is too good for this kind of stuff.

    Either way YOU need to address it.   This girl obviously isn’t going to start making offers.   Speak up (in the politest way possible), or get out of this one and find a more generous girl.   Just do it now, before you are a few months in and you snap.

  19. 19

    I think the posters girlfriend should at least OFFER to pay, some of the time. This way it  gives him the  choice to say no, he is fine with paying. I think he should  get rid and move on.

  20. 20

    I have to agree with garnet,   and please dont take offense Evan.   But If I must look good, stay in the best possible shape , quoting your words accept things men do out of nature then David should date within his range.   Someone that is ok with 50.00 weekend dates.   Or date someone who enjoys   paying their share or that occasional dessert.       You say date the man that likes you.   David should date the girl that wants to pay half.      David is simply dating out of his league and  it will surely end when she realizes he is not being true to himself.   Evan you should advice this man to be true to himself he is breaking your first  rule.  

    1. 20.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I hear you, Vaness and Garnet. And, if you noticed, I said a man SHOULD pick up the check on the first few dates while courting because that’s what society expects and that’s what’s “effective”.

      However, I don’t think David is dating out of his league. I think he’s dating the wrong woman.

    2. 20.2

      Ha ha ha!   Any guy who actually makes money will not put up with such behaviour for long.   Do you think guys are stupid and they don’t know when they are being used?   And that’s what you are doing when you insist that he pays for dinner because you carry the expense of being dolled up (as if guys don’t have to spend on their own clothes and grooming).
      It’s very rare that guys marry high maintenance.   But every guy has dated one or two such women.   And he’s learned his lesson and will go hunting for a woman that will protect his assets not marry him to use them up.

      1. 20.2.1

        “It’s very rare that guys marry high maintenance.”

        That’s not true at all. At all.

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