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She tells me she wants to take it slow. She says she feels like she’s in more of a relationship with me then she’s felt in her past relationships, which she considered to be actual relationships. She also is not the best communicator of her feelings when it comes to how she personally feels. She told me that she’s talked to me more about how she personally feels then all her other relationships combined; I’m not sure if I should be happy about that or not. I told her I have no problem taking it slow. We are sexually exclusive with each other, but she gets upset sometimes when I do really nice things for her. She says that me taking her to expensive dinners and stuff of that nature is moving too fast and that I do too many nice things. She feels that if she does not reciprocate, then it makes her feel like the bad guy or some such nonsense. But I am just naturally a romantic person and I like to do that stuff!
So I have been trying to not call her as much, and some days I just ignore her and do my own thing. But I feel by trying not to call as much and not be as romantic as I want to be I am playing some silly game with her. I don’t see what is so wrong with a boyfriend who wants to make his woman happy all the time, it’s not like I’m asking for anything in return. Oh and that brings me to another point: I dare not refer to her as “my girlfriend” I guess because that sounds very relationship, and she is not ready for that. So I guess I’m trying to ask what do I do? Do I take it slow like she says and really back off? Since we slept together we’ve only been together on nine dates. I wish I knew how she really felt. I mean her actions tell me that she is really into me but I’m just not super sure. I come from a family where we tell each other how we feel all the time and she comes from one where stuff is just assumed. Ugggh. What should I do? Am I just over thinking all this stuff? Please help!!!! 🙁 Daniel
Congratulations, Daniel. You’re the woman in the relationship.
Congratulations, Daniel. You’re the woman in the relationship.
And I say that with a wink and a nod, because it’s not an insult; it’s just an archetype. After all, how many letters have you read here from women who could have said the same thing, verbatim?
“He wants to take it slow.”
“He is not the best communicator of his feelings.”
“By trying not to call as much and not be as romantic as I want to be, I feel I’m playing a silly game with him.”
“I dare not refer to him as my boyfriend; he is not ready for that.”
“His actions tell me that he’s really into me, but I’m just not sure.”
So yes, Daniel, your letter seems like it could have been ripped out of the pages of Glamour or Cosmo, but that’s a good thing. It shows us that emotions and feelings and commitment are not exclusively female territory…. And hey, believe me, you’re not alone. I’m as much of a female-type communicator as you’re going to find. That’s why I’m a dating coach, and that’s why 75% of my readers are women. Which is why I want you to put your male hat on when answering your own question. If you were giving advice to a trusted girl friend about a guy who was not committing to her, what would you say? Well, you may say something cliched like “He’s just not that into you” And you may be right. But that wouldn’t be enough to satisfy your girl friend. She’s the one who’s feeling the connection. She’s the one who wants to believe this is workable. She knows how he truly feels. Well, sort of…
You’re hung up on a woman who is doing everything in her power NOT to make you feel special.
And that’s where you are, right now, Daniel. Too emotionally engaged in your own relationship to see it objectively. So what you’re doing is using all available evidence to support your ideas. You’re justifying her lack of commitment by saying that she says she feels like she’s in a relationship with you. But you’re ignoring that she won’t let you call her “girlfriend.”
You’re saying that you have no problem taking it slow. But you’re ignoring that you DO have a problem because she’s not making you feel safe and secure.
You’re trying to be a giver because that’s how you feel about her. But you’re ignoring that your girlfriend should WANT to get nice things from you AND give back as well.
Listen, I don’t know you and I don’t know this woman. But it’s glaringly clear that she’s got some serious intimacy issues, issues which you don’t share with her. You seem kind, well-adjusted, and you come from a close family. In other words, you’re a catch. Any woman reading this would love to be with a man like you. But that doesn’t matter. You’re hung up on a woman who is doing everything in her power NOT to make you feel special. Is that what you want? Is that what you deserve? – Cause that’s what you get when you wait for her to come around.
I wouldn’t give up on her yet, Daniel. Certainly, things can change when you’re in the same city. But if she’s not your girlfriend, and there’s no real commitment, I would highly consider dating some other people right now. You may just find that this amazing lawyer woman is not the best catch for you after all.
Loving Annie says
Brillaint answer, and very very very true and accurate. She is emotionally unavailable, and he isn’t comfortable with that and hopes that his caring will eventually make her change. Which won’t happen. She has YEARS of behaving/thinking in this manner. She’ll only hurt his feelings / disappoint him. The longer he stays in this ‘non’ relationship, the more frustated he will get, and eventually feel used and degraded. She’s not being nice to him, she’s pushing him away – and as long as he agrees to that by staying, she’ll think she has a green light to continue to do so. Leave her. Forget her. Blow her off and don’t be ‘friends’. It’ll only be a one way street. Find a girl who appreciates you and how you treat her, who doesn’t have so many issues – like not being able to appreciate a guy who wants to call and do nice things and be loyal.
Honey says
As a young woman who acted that way for years with many different guys, I subscribe to the “she’s just not that into him” theory. I was considered a pathological committment-phobe by my friends because I kept every guy I dated at arm’s length…and I knew on the first date that my current BF was different, and I acted that way (we’ve been together over two years). Can/will this girl change? Almost certainly yes. Will she do it for him? Almost certainly no.
A-L says
Thanks for posting this letter, Evan. Glad to know we women aren’t the only ones who overthink things!
Daniel’s letter, however, has raised a lot of logistical questions for me. He’s known her his whole life but they’ve only been friends for 5 months? And how did they start being friends while she’s in NYC and he’s in Buffalo? I assume he’s counting their 2.5 months of dating as from the point when they first had sex, but they’ve only had 9 dates during that time? That’s less than a date a week. At most you can say that the two of you are dating, but to say it’s an exclusive relationship and trying to attach the girlfriend/boyfriend status to it is a bit much, and this is coming from a girl.
Plus, I’m not so sure that intimacy issues are the girl’s problem. Daniel says, “She says that me taking her to expensive dinners and stuff of that nature is moving too fast.” Daniel and her are not yet doctors and lawyers where paying for expensive meals is not that big of a deal. They are students. And most students (barring trust-fund folks) go for modest to cheap food and save the big expensive meals for special occasions. And Daniel considers doing nice things for her as taking her to expensive dinners and other stuff of that nature. Not necessarily writing a sweet note, giving a foot massage, bringing her soup when she’s sick, or something else that shows thoughtfulness but not a big price tag. And students tend to see a direct correlation between the amount of money spent and the seriousness of a relationship.
So the girl’s issue may not be that she’s not interested in Daniel, but that she thinks he’s moving WAY too fast. Perhaps he’s even giving off an air of desperation. So my advice to Daniel is to slow down and see how things go.
Loving Annie says
Honey,
The ONLY reason I think you have to be very careful – and specific – with your logic is that you pointed out in another post on your own blog that you never went out with anyone more than 3 dates before deciding he wasn’t “the one”.
Therefore, you didn’t drag it out, and blow hot and cold and say you wanted something but you were scared or not ready or he was just going too fast… or any of the things that were misleading b.s. that cause people to stay when they should be leaving instead.
So you were clear cut on your decision making an never jerked anyone around. Then you met “Mr. Right” and again – you KNEW from the get-go. So I don’t think you CHANGED at all – you were always clear cut.
Your friends just were assigning a name tag to it that wasn’t correct. You were picky – not a committment phobe.
Many other people are users and manipulators and jerk people around knowing full well they don’t real have any real intention of committment – as I think the woman is that he is describing.
And they don’t change – they stay true to themselves and their own dysfunctional patterns of relating as well.
Honey says
@Loving Annie, I always considered myself picky and not committment-phobic, as well. I do think that my own immaturity at that age led me to mislead somewhat–I know that on the actual dates guys often ended up with the impression that I had a fantastic time and that I felt a connection, only to tell them when they called back that I didn’t want to see them again. But, live and learn (those were the early twenties after all)–and as you say, they were aware of my “final decision” within three dates, and I never tried to maintain contact afterwards, so there wasn’t much room for misunderstanding.
Kris says
Ooooh. This one is a little too familiar. Daniel, I’m wondering what you mean when you say, “I mean her actions tell me that she is really into me…” Which ones?
I dated a man for years I was not that into, in some ways, and in other ways our relationship worked for us both. However, I cannot say it evolved drastically over time. What we had at the end was basically what we had at the beginning, and it was not enough. I’m grateful to have had that time with my friend and I also felt at the start this was not, “it.” He had just divorced and was not looking for, “it,” so there was little pressure on either side. It sounds like you would like something more, though, perhaps…”it.”
I would say: #1 LISTEN TO HER. If she is not comfortable with something, STOP. You may need to give her the space to be into you, rather than forcing gifts and dinners on her. If you continue her discomfort will continue and you both might loose respect for you. #2 MAYBE things will shift when you live in the same town. If she is really important to you, set a time frame for this to happen. Say, 30-90 days, or something, and if it’s still not what you want, leave respectfully.
This must be complicated by your families’ knowing each other. I can see if you decided to announce you were, “boyfriend-girlfriend,” it might be a more loaded situation and have more significance than, “normal,” dating. This MAY account for some hesitancy, but not all. It could very well be she has some real intimacy issues. The lack of communication is a red flag.
Daniel, commit to YOURSELF, and having a healthy, reciprocal relationship. No matter how great this woman, if it’s not happening, then it is not. You will feel better when you tune in to what works for you and act on it.
Good luck!
Kris
Karl R says
Daniel’s girlfriend might have commitment phobia. Almost every statement in his letter is consistent with that.
Steve says
Daniel;
People make up all sorts of stories to avoid having to face someone and admit that they are not interested. If a woman is into you she will act like she is into you in all of the ways that fit with common sense.
If she was into you she would LOVE to be called your girlfriend. She isn’t into you.
Since you have been intimate with her, have a gentle talk with her. Tell her you like to date non-exclusively( I bet she will NOT be disagreeable ).
Then go do it.
Plenty of fish in the sea, there is no reason to spend time on someone who isn’t ready or who isn’t interested when you are.
Kris says
Hey Evan, I wanted to add I disagree that women *should* want to get, “nice things,” from men, necessarily. Personally, I want to be *seen* by my man. When a man full-blown pursues me with gifts or whatnot, it’s often I’ve felt he’s in love with a *fantasy* of me, or having his own fun, but not really seeing me or taking into account whether what he’s giving is what I want or need, no matter what I’ve said. So, I can understand someone not necessarily enjoying this behavior from a man before they’ve established even what they are doing. If a man is giving, giving, giving, and not HEARING that the woman is not yet on the same page, why would she want this? A man (or woman–any partner) needs to take the time to get in synch instead of just having their own experience.
Kris
JimmyE says
“She feels that if she does not reciprocate, then it makes her feel like the bad guy or some such nonsense”
She’s told you how she’s feeling, and you dismiss it as nonsense. Are you surprised that she doesn’t communicate with you as often as you’d like, considering you so freely reject the validity of her feelings.
Women have come in for a lot of stick on this blog for being gold diggers and dinner whores. this woman is telling you she doesn’t want you to feel used if the relationship doesn’t end up going where you want it to. you would do well to listen
dadshouse says
Evan’s advice is right on – it seemed clear to me upon reading this letter that the woman is not that into the man. He is caught up emotionally and can’t see things objectively. His comment “it’s not like I’m asking for anything in return” doesn’t ring true – he wants to be appreciated, loved, part of a couple, and she’s not giving any of that. Maybe he feels he really needs her to make him feel complete – which of course is a sign that he should love himself more, and complete himself on his own.
When you are truly happy with who you are, you can really open yourself to a healthy relationship. If the other person doesn’t want the same thing, then you know it’s not about you and you can move on to someone else. Evan’s advice for Daniel to date around is great – but I’m guessing Daniel will find it impossible to date around unless this woman blatantly rejects him. Daniel – you don’t need that. Give yourself permission to see other women.
Sahaja says
She may very well be into him, but I have been in the position before. When you don’t live in the same city, you tend to be wary of feeling shared sometimes. I too had a boyfriend who though lived two hours away and we only had dates maybe once a week, after two month was sending gifts, cards, and saying I love you. As a woman, I can’t take that seriously. There is no way you know me enough to be so effusive and sure of your thoughts. And if I feel uncomfortable with it and tell you and you ignore it, what else can I do? Why would she want to take it further and be exclusive when he is not listening to her now?
I agree with the above comments that as a student, that kind of extravagence smacks of being too much – because most of the time students can’t afford to do so, and if he is, that means he’s putting a lot of time and effort and money – that I can’t do, so its awkward. I like to hold my share of the bargain. Maybe I’m less of a romantic, but simple things say romance so much more than dinners and roses and cards. Paying attention to my needs and thoughts are so much better. The most romantic thing a man has done for me are the ones that I needed, not wanted.
Also, it is a lot easier to maintain and communicate in a relationship when you are in the same town as well. You get to see your SO on his/her home front and in a more comfortable setting, and spend more time together. So maybe she wants to take it slow now, knowing that just on proximity alone it will speed up once she moves into town. You don’t really know a person until you have spent some quality time with them in person. And 9 dates doesn’t qualify.
Daniel can move on and date other people at the same time, at least until she’s in town and they can see what its all really going to be like. – Or just dump it all together. But more importantly, if he does want to make it work – he should listen to what she has to say and ease up. And I know he said that he tried ignoring her for days and what not – but he’s buying her gifts and dinners on the days he is not; its too hot and cold. Be consistent and be slow, if you want to be with her, and that is what she wants. If you don’t want to do that, then find someone else who will appreciate your efforts.
hunter says
Daniel doesn’t talk about her, appearance wise. Sexy women are hard to leave.
Dr. Jazy says
Haha, good point!
mic says
Hunter, ouch – but you might be right (and presumably you also mean that the guy isn’t on her level in terms of looks). Or it could be issues of emotion intelligence, personality, or something else.
Quibble – “75% of my readers are women” sounds like it would be true of most relationship-focused websites, and Evan does not sound like the “man-woman” writer.
Cathouse Teri says
Excellent advice from Evan. There clearly is a problem here, even if it’s just a matter of incompatibility. There is no need to pursue a relationship with someone who makes you feel all undone all the time. Relationships should be comfortable. Hunter mentions some “physcially sexy” crap, but there is nothing more sexy than a woman who makes a man feel good in his own skin. This women seems entirely self absorbed to me.
Rebekah says
As a woman I will tell you this…. the only time I feel uncomfortable accepting such attention (nice dinners, gifts, etc) is when I’m just not into the guy. It makes me feel bad because I know he’s doing things because he likes me a lot and wants to be with me, but in my heart I know I’ll never be in a relationship with him so it makes me feel a little guilty.
I say if a woman won’t let you treat her nice or take her to a good dinner then she’s just not that into you.
Peaches says
I want to put in my two cents.
I’ve had real commitment and intimacy issues my whole life. It may have come from some childhood trauma.
Being uncomfortable with being treated nicely never had anything to do with whether I was into the guy or not. And I’ve dated many, many men over the years, so I know this is true.
I can be into the guy and still be afraid of the relationship leading somewhere positive and promising.
I’ve often been generally stand-offish in the dating department, especially in my twenties. having the door opened for me, having them pay for things, flowers, gifts… it all made me uncomfortable. and I’m still figuring out why I was this way.
It’s easy to try to hypothesise why this woman in particular was acting distant. but we’re all very unique and have unique reasons for how we behave. it could be any reason under the sun.
vino says
“I’m Exclusive with a Woman Who Won’t Let Me Call Her My Girlfriend”
Not to be too obvious, but what the hell else do you need? The rest of the mental gyrations are meaningless. To quote King Arthur from Monty Python the Holy Grail at the Castle of Louis D’Lombard…
“Run Away!”
hunter says
on post #15
“physically sexy?”….OMG!….LOL!…..
hunter says
on post #16
A woman may not be “into” a man right now, but, that does not mean, she will never be “into” him. Women don’t change their minds, their, “feelings” change.
Agreeing says
I was just reading an article like this. The guy can’t get a commitment and he was thinking that maybe she had had some bad experiences in the past or something. I think it’s something you should talk about because then atleast you’ll know why she doesn’t want to commit. Usually women want to, so you want to make sure she’s really into you.
hunter says
on post #20,
Some recently divorced women won’t commit. Some women with monetary assets, won’t commit.
Selena says
I’m with Rebekah #19- gifts, expensive dinners, and all the other “attention” overload stuff I do not want from someone I’m not head over heels about. And only 9 dates in 2.5 mos.? That wouldn’t be enough time spent together for me to feel comfortable with the bf/gf designation.
I don’t think Daniel needs to totally give up…YET…things may shift once they are both living in the same town. But definetly he needs to LISTEN to what she is saying and what she is saying right now is to back off some, he’s being/doing too much.
hunter says
On post #22,
You must be a rare “Gem”…..common knowledge amongst men, is that a woman can easily adapt to “monetary” attention……money is powerful, it has been known to change a persons mind…..
Selena says
Actually Hunter I don’t think Rebekah and I are all that rare. I know many women who would be uncomfortable being showered with monetary “attention” from someone whom they uncertain about, or flat out aren’t interested in. Women who don’t want to feel like they are being “bought” in some way. You don’t want to feel obligated in some vague way.
Now, if you’re crazy about the guy, that’s a different story. Gifts, dinners, etc. are fun and sweet and appreciated as gestures of love. Gotta be a mutual thing is all I’m sayin’.
Jojo says
I agree with Rebecca and Selina! Receiving expensive dinners and gifts from a guy you’re not into is just plain using him. I think it’s unfair to do that to someone!
that
Jill/Twipply Skwood says
Totally agree with Rebecca, Selina, & Jojo on the expensive gifts thing. Even one time when I was maybe 19, this guy I was supposed to go on a date with mailed me this ring right before we went out. It wasn’t expensive or anything but it totally freaked me out & I had been SO into him when I met him. I gave the ring to my best friend & never went out with him.
Anyway, I doubt I can add too much that’s new to this conversation except to say that I was totally suspicious of “that boyfriend word” my guy kept using when we first started dating. My friends were all calling him my boyfriend and he was calling himself that and I was like, “Huh?!?!” But here I am almost a year later all totally and completely head over heels. So I don’t know that her being afraid of the label necessarily means all is lost.
Jill/Twipply Skwood says
I should say though – I HAVE known women who would let a guy buy her dinner after dinner well past knowing that she wasn’t truly interested. But in my experience that’s been the exception & not the rule.
Drew says
I agree with Rebecca and Selina as well. Folks really need to think about the fact that each one of us are human beings and that we should be treating others as we would like to be treated. Don’t use people for your own gain.
Andres says
Daniel
Truth be told I suspect you were into this girl for years and now that you scored with her you are questioning why she won’t let you call her your girlfriend.
I doubt she is that into you and I recommend you get over her and move one. You are the chick in this relationship and you need to get in the mindset that you don’t need her.
Nina says
I am like Daniel’s girlfriend; reading the advice from readers here I find so many assumptions. Things do change given enough time. If you have a difficult past you need to take it slow and get used to a different relationship paradigm/dialogue. Its about one’s ability to accept the new change and if I had a patient boyfriend like Daniel I can fight the past and come to terms with the love he has to offer. But you will know what to do – whether to stay or go.
Katarina Phang says
OP is a typical nice guy and she’s just not that into him (maybe has intimacy issues as well, but we don’t know if she’s like that with every guy she really likes). The roles are really reversed. He’s the she, and she’s the he. That’s probably why she’s not that into him.
Move on. He probably needs an alpha female who is attracted to a beta male she can control. Problem is many alpha females want very masculine guys themselves. A woman who is more like him (moderate alpha/beta) is probably best. So both can be flexible in what roles to take and when.
Marc says
I have a girlfriend who hasn’t even called me her boyfriend”yet” but is always around me. She barely tells me how she feels although she did in the beginning. I say I miss her way before she even gets to say it. I do admit that although I am feeling like the female, she lets me take the lead when we go out because she tells me as long as she’s with me it doesn’t matter what we do. I don’t think she’s not into me, but she did get out of a ten month relationship six months ago. I had asked a question regarding our being exclusive and she said she liked me but didn’t want to move too fast. We haven’t had sex, becuase I want the title boy friend before we get too intimate. so she better be patient. I had asked her if she was my girl and she was like “what do you think” …she won’t give me a straight answer, so I’m thinking it’s assumed we are, but then she was talking to one of her girlfriends and she told her about her “friend” when speaking about me. MY GOD that was so annoying. Took all my might to keep a straight face. She doesn’t put an emphasis on our going to fast..so I would say she’s into me. but as for Daniel, I would have to wonder why she keeps insisting that you not call her your girlfriend. Maybe she takes longer to consider that title. Everybody’s different and who knows how her exes treated her.
All I know is I just want this “trial period” to end already, and yes I’ve been dating her for two and half months. 😀
Commiserator says
I just want to say I’m in the same boat as Daniel and I’ve moved on from her, on the advice of friends.
My girl was nice enough to tell me to take a step back. Like Daniel I didn’t listen. I wasn’t objective.
Yes I’m a student, and I’ll take it slow with the gifts next time round. Mine aren’t expensive but they’re hand-made/-drawn and it’s obvious I put effort into them.
I’m a nice guy and I’m not inclined towards the “nice guys finish last” line of argument. I’m just waiting for the right girl to come along who’ll reciprocate my feelings.
I still think of her and wonder if I’ve hurt her. But it’s just me wishing I mattered to her.
Evan’s response, and everyone’s comments, really helped.
Thanks.
Widowed says
I am curious if she has another boyfriend in Buffalo or if she has another boyfriend in her town while she is away?
Taylor says
Im in a similar boat as Daniel albeit I havent done the whole dinners thing and to the ladies commenting and reading I will say please dont do this because it’s very confusing.
I have been seeing this girl for 6 weeks. I know that doesnt sound like very long but we have spent nearly 5 of those weeks together 24/7, we see eachother nearly every day and there’s only been 2 days where we havent talked to eachother so on an intensity level we could have been dating for 6 months or longer depending on how frequently you’d consider “dating”.
We aren’t technically exclusive but in practice we are, obviously, seeing as there really isnt any time to see anyone else. I was seeing and dating 9 girls when I met her but we just clicked and have been thick as theives ever since we met, the other poor girls dont get much of anything other than a touch base text here and there because I’m not ready to completely drop them until this girl commits to being exclusive and/or uses the label.
She refers to me as her “friend”, yet was the one who told me first in a very serious way that she loves me. We kiss, we’ve obviously had a lot of sex, some of it quite kinky (her family is very conservative so shed have to be very comfortable with me to ask me to do those things), we kiss all the time, hold hands, cuddle, both in public and in private. To any fly on the wall watching us the whole time and anyone who bumps into us on the street we would for all intensive purposes appear to be a total couple.
Just last night she had a co-worker ask her out for drinks and she wanted to go. So she asked me to come because she’s had a co-worker (at a previous job) ask her out for drinks before and try to have sex with her, then when she denied him it made work awkward. She wanted me to come so that the guy “would know he’s not going to get to cut your grass”. Sounds like a girlfriend to me. She also has had two guys she knows are totally into her try to ask her out and she declined them both and phoned me when she got home instead.
The complicating factors are these. I met her when she had a boyfriend, who she dumped a week after meeting me (it wasnt working out before I met her). She is also 25 and I am 37. I’m not chomping at the bit for the exclusivity nor the label; and she says its OK if I sleep with other girls- although I know in my bones if I actually did it she would not be impressed at all even if she didnt get mad about it.
Im just going to keep doing what I’m doing and give her time. I’m having a blast with her and I see her all the time, almost every day and more times than not she sleeps over at my house- so I am getting the “girlfriend experience” anyway even without the label. My theory is she needs time to ease into the idea being someone’s girlfriend.
But I am at the point where I wish that she would just bite the bullet and roll with it.
Tony Montana says
I’m in the same situation, minus the buying stuff n going on expensive dinners. But I am coming to the realization that this person doesn’t want me to call her girlfriend, which is fine but she continues to have sex with me lol? So i find it odd, its nothing wrong with it, but once i get over my feelings for her n continue to have sex with her while exploring options am i the bad guy? If i already genuinely explained the situation and gave an ultimatum to take it or leave me, am i the bad guy when she comes around n im not there anymore mentally but sexually I am? Or maybe she wont come around at all….? Smh Life sucks some times
Freedom says
If you aren’t there mentally or emotionally, don’t be there sexually.
Men in the habit of this either don’t understand the nature of most women, or if they do and take advantage of it don’t have empathy for the pain of another.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Repugnant behavior that’s blamed on “the nature of men”. You are human enough to understand emotional pain that is caused, and to refrain from that behavior.
Don’t expect your feelings to be coddled and catered to when you might have feelings, but then have no problem using a woman who has feelings and you don’t just because it makes it easy.
When I read a comment like that, I see a person capable of such behavior.
Move on.
BestAnswer says
Most women today Don’t know how to Commit to just one man.
Danni California says
Not sure how old this post is as I don’t see dates.
Anyways, I want to say this I feel for your girlfriend. Two months is not a long time. I have been rushed into relationships with lavish dinners and great sex and kind words for it all to be snatched away.
Can we stop being one sided about things. Find out why she acts the way she does and let her know it’s ok and that you are there to help and support her.
My bf is very jealous and it’s becuase of all his exes have cheated on him. And I can’t be mad at him because he’s insecure I just accommodate. I only talk to my guy friends online and I don’t hag out with them unless it’s a double date. I call him and make him feel wanted and needed.
Because I understand he’s been hurt before And I love him.l would do anything for him that isn’t causing me any type of harm
Logical guru says
Its clear, i think she having a relationship with another guy outside your radar . She doesn’t want you to be nice to her and feels bad about it when u do because she is having another relationship with another guy and it seems like you are her boyfriend when you do nice things for her. She feels like she is cheating on you because she is doing stuff with another guy and that’s why she doesn’t want it to feel like you guys are dating. She is saying “take it slow” because she is having other relationships and when she leaves her town or city( her other sex buddy) then she would have a proper relationship with you because there is nothing for her to feel guilty about.
Omnicell says
Whats wrong with this picture;
Dude; Im sorry; move on! you were never liked in the first place! your so interested in finding a relationship, its all blown over your head!
The girl expects you to be a guy and get the picture and move on!
She’s bored; you sleep with her! big deal!
ITs hard for you to believe! she likes you; this must me your her boyfriend! No! it does not; it does not mean anything!
———————–
Ive had to dump a few girls! no commitment! but they acted interested! They got mad when I called them girlfriend! technically, they were using me for conversation and sex! I was safe!
Find more decent people! This person has no business leading you on for so long!
Lauren says
Well it looks like she’s not your girlfriend if you ask me maybe she wants to be just friends or maybe she’s scared you’ll friend zone her oh and a word of advice if she is your girlfriend don’t ask any girl to be just your friend she’s going to say no
Apc says
If she does what she does and you continue orbiting her as you do you implicitly communicate you like being treated that way.
Solution? Go forth and tell her that you need an emotionally available person and that you walk away as you are unhappy like this.
You cannot force yourself into someone’s heart. Attraction is not a choice, if she is not all over you during the early stage of the “relationship”, she will never be.
And read “No more Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. You need it.
GMC says
Serious intimacy issues? I’m in the same position as the female written about here and I can tell you that’s not true for me. I want the guy I’m seeing exclusively to be my boyfriend, but I don’t believe in making things official before about 6 months. Not issues just don’t make just anyone my boyfriend. Geez.
Mykhael says
So why does using the title”Girlfriend or Boyfriend”? This guy truly seems to want her and she know this. I mean no one wants to be known as just a friends, especially when the line has been cross.
Tabby says
Yeeeah, D, you’re doing too much. You’re doing the most. You need to cut it out. She probably likes you a lot, wants to have a relationship, but is feeling smothered with a hot blanket. 2 1/2 months is way too soon to be doing all this! Yeebus, bro, give a girl some room and stop blitzing her with All The Things!
I know I, as a woman, would personally make like the nope octopus and get away from you QUICK, because it’s just too freaking much! I’m just not inclined to like being smothered with romantic and expensive gestures. It feels like you’re trying to buy me, and that’s just crazy. If you’re a good guy (and I suspect you are), then you don’t NEED to do all that. Back off and let the girl breathe!
James says
Most women these days just want to sleep around all the time unfortunately, especially the ones that like to party and get real wasted since they just don’t know what real commitment is. This is a very excellent reason why many of us good single men just can’t find love at all today because of these very pathetic loser women that are very much to blame as well. And there are many of us men out there that can be very happy with just only one woman all the time which unfortunately most women these days will never make a good wife at all to begin with anyway. And today most women will usually go for the rich type of men since they’re always looking for men to spend money on them all the time which makes these type of women nothing but users and losers.
Evan Marc Katz says
You’re a broken record, James. You’re not learning a thing and every comment is the same complaint. Either vary your comments or find another place to vent.
Jenna says
I was just reading this and I’m currently going through the exactly same situation. I have started dating a guy and he is v eager for me to be his girlfriend even though we have only been on 5 dates. I find the editors response to the first email deeply alarming. I would expect a response like this from someone seriously insecure and emotionally unstable. They have only been on 9 dates. Why on earth would she make him her boyfriend after meeting 9 times. They don’t know each other. In addition why is the title so important? It doesn’t mean anything nor does it give any guarantees. Just like my situation when a guy pushes like this he is just showing me how weak and needy and unstable he is. That is a massive turn off and it actually does the opposite and makes me want to run. Why do insecure people over analyse everything. Why not just live in the present and enjoy every day. The poor girl is probably exhausted from having to discuss her feeling all the time. This guy has a lot of insecurities and that’s his problem not hers. He is clearly offloading all this on to her. If I was her I would run. If he’s already behaving like this now, imagine how needy and vulnerable he will be in a relationship!