Like most of your readers, I am a strong, independent woman who likes the alpha male persona and am working on many of the things that strong, successful, independent women tend to need assistance with when dating. I was recently on a second date with at guy (the first date was good; good conversation, tried to figure out if I was attracted to him or not, had fun, etc.). He asked me out for a second date and I accepted. But during the second date I realized that I wasn’t at the same level as he was with me. He asked me if “I dated a lot” (we met on Match.com) and told me that I was “the third girl in the last year that he asked out on a second date” (pedestal principle??). He told me that his mother raised him to not date more than one person at a time. I was sitting there sipping my beer wondering what I was supposed to say to these statements after only knowing this guy for a total of maybe 5 hours of my life. I thanked him for his honesty and thanked him for the two dates. I then tried my best to express my true feelings without being a jerk and explained that I wasn’t sure where I fell but I knew that I wasn’t on the same level as he was. His body posture completely changed, told me that we really didn’t have a lot in common, refused my offers to split the bill, and basically told me to leave as he was going to grab a cab after he paid the bill.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this speech and it stinks! My question is this: How do we decline said alpha male offers for second dates, etc.? I know that I would want someone to be honest with me and we all know that honesty can hurt. I’m trying to be honest and not do the “fade away” and not talk to them (which has happened to me many times). Is honesty the best policy when it comes to not being that into the alpha male that you’re on a date with? What are some tips/strategies to best go about this topic?
Thanks Evan and looking forward to your thoughts and advice!
There’s a lot in this question, and I’m not even sure where to begin.
First of all, it’s not remotely apparent that your date was an “alpha” male.
- A) You ARE attracted to the alpha male because he’s so blindly confident in himself that it never occurs to him that you wouldn’t like him. The fact that you weren’t sure if you were attracted to him tells me that he probably wasn’t that alpha.
- B) His behavior plays as insecure, not alpha. Asking you who you were dating after two dates? Pressuring you to commit to him? Dropping in mentions of his mom’s philosophy on dating? Alpha males have harems. This guy just had an unrequited crush.
You’re going to have to discuss it with him and answer his questions, when there’s really nothing to say, other than “I’m not feeling it.”
But classifying what kind of guy you just rejected was not your real question. You wanted to know the best way to reject a guy. I’m sure I wrote about it before, but I’m too lazy to look it up and link to it. So here goes:
Try the truth.
I find it’s the easiest thing to remember, and people tend to appreciate it since it’s so rarely given.
There are generally two scenarios for a guy asking you out on an unwanted date.
He’ll either do it ON the date or AFTER the date.
If he does it on the date, I would tell him to follow up with you later this week when you’re in front of your work calendar. This doesn’t contradict “the truth”; if anything, it buys you time so you don’t have to stab him in the chest while he’s on the date with you. Then, you can hug him good bye, say you had fun, and when he says he’ll follow up with you later, you say “great.” That’s just being polite.
Now, when you get home, you can write him an email with the honest version of what you’re really feeling. Maybe send it out the next day.
Thanks for taking me out last night. The food was delicious and the conversation was excellent. I really appreciate it. However, I’m not feeling the chemistry necessary to move things to the next level. I think you’re a really great and you’re going to make some woman very happy one day. Best of luck in your search.
Ta-da! Problem solved.
Now, if a guy presses you on the date to give him an answer to whether he’s going to see you again, and you’re not feeling it and can’t get out of it, the same answer applies. Problem is, you’re trapped and you’re going to have to discuss it with him and answer his questions, when there’s really nothing to say, other than “I’m not feeling it.”
Treat men the way you’d want to be treated, and you’ll probably do a pretty fair job of letting them down easy.
In short, the best rejection policy is to write him an email proactively, the day after the date, regardless of whether he’s asked you out or not.
The worst rejection policy is to a) ignore him and hope he gets the hint or b) to volunteer WHY you don’t like him directly on the date, which is kind of scarring.
In other words, treat men the way you’d want to be treated, and you’ll probably do a pretty fair job of letting them down easy.