My Boyfriend Got Me Pregnant (Twice) and Left Me. Should I Take Him Back?

My Boyfriend Got Me Pregnant (Twice) and Left Me. Should I Take Him Back?
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I’ve been dating someone seriously for over a year. We were acquaintances for 5 years until we became best of friends and eventually started dating. He moved in pretty quickly and everything was going great minus the occasional setback. 8 months into our relationship, I got pregnant. We are both in our early 30s, live in a beautiful apartment, he owns a business and makes very good money and I have a bundle of savings. I wanted the baby and he wanted to plan our lives better so we terminated the pregnancy. I started to ask him about marriage and commitment and I wasn’t getting a straight answer. He’d say things like “I am happy with the way things are going” and “we need to get to know each other more and I cannot be pressured but it will happen.” I was growing frustrated.

Then, while on birth control, I got pregnant for the second time a couple of months later. I took it as a sign and told him I was keeping it. He said things to me like how I should move into my mother’s house and he would move back into his old place, I used him to get pregnant and how our he’d be there as a father but our relationship is negotiable. His comments shocked me because he never spoke to me this way. For 8 weeks we fought and I eventually had another abortion and told him to move out. He moved out and I found out he was venting to a friend about my pregnancy in a negative way. It killed me but I missed him and have been trying to get back together. His response to my begging was “I need to heal independently” and “you made a decision so we need to stick to it.” I am not proud of it but I invited him to spend the night. We slept together and I continued to beg him to come back to me. He didn’t really give me an answer and kept saying “let’s talk about it later”.

Here’s my question…do I dump him because of the way he acted when he thought I was keeping the baby or stay with him and give him the benefit of doubt? He wants to plan better and have a more solid foundation before having a child. I get it but I am his third girlfriend who has gone through an abortion because he wasn’t ready. He’s a very decent person but this selfish side has me so confused! Please help!!

Nadine

I can see why you’re confused, Nadine, however your situation isn’t that confusing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, nor does he want to be the father of your children. I don’t have to ask him this in person. His actions make it abundantly clear.

What you – and lots of other women often to fail to internalize – is that the actions should speak for themselves, yet they get swept under the rug by a host of emotions.

Women in situations like yours (terrible partner, afraid to let go) cling to the same things you do as justifications as to why you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

We were best friends.

He is successful and we have savings.

We moved in real fast.

All of this is irrelevant to your current dilemma but you’re treating this as evidence that your history or his credentials somehow justifies his behavior. It doesn’t.

The guy who beats his wife told her he loved her at one point. Do you really think that matters when assessing what he’s done since?

You may think I’ve gone too far with the comparison. I haven’t.

Listen to the bullshit you’ve put up with – in your words:

After you terminated your first pregnancy because he wasn’t ready – which is actually fair – one should not get married in less than a year due to an accidental pregnancy – you got pregnant for a second time.

My issue is how he handled things afterwards – with coldness and cruelty.

Again, he’s not wrong for not wanting to have a baby against his will or be pressured to marry you before he’s ready. He is as entitled to those feelings as you are entitled to make a choice about your own body and have a baby even when he’s not on board.

My issue is how he handled things afterwards – with coldness and cruelty.

He told you to move out. He accused you of using him to get pregnant. You had a second abortion and he didn’t comfort you through that emotional process.

Unbeknownst to you, he was demonstrating what a shitty husband he’d be.

You, naturally, invited him to spend the night and get back together with you.

Wisely, he said he’d think about it. And here you are, wondering whether you should give this guy a chance as your husband and the father of your children?

Was there ANY point in this story where he was kind? Patient? Sensitive? Thoughtful? Put your feelings first? Showed that he’d be a giving and willing partner? Demonstrated the kind of character you’d want to pass along to your children?

You may say he’s a decent person but his treatment of you (as well as his track record – THREE girlfriends with aborted children) leads me to believe that he’s doing you a great favor by bailing on you now.

Be glad he showed you his true colors and that you did not bring a child into this world with this man – and the next time you have a boyfriend, do me a favor: go slower, don’t get pregnant until you’re married, and pay attention to his kindness, communication and character before you get engaged. Good luck.

 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Mrs Happy

    Third girlfriend that you know of, it’s not a situation the average person advertises. I agree with Evan that this is not a man who is showing you or anyone he wants to have children or a marriage. I am wondering why he doesn’t use condoms but there may be a reasonable reason for that.

    Nadine, I mainly think, wow, thank god you were shown what sort of behaviour he shows to his loved ones when they’re needing support; imagine if he had hidden that until you were joined via marriage and children and you were stuck with someone so selfish; life would be awful being continually let down, and left all alone holding each of life’s stressors, husband scuttling away from the tension with each marital and family difficulty.

    Nadine, you are probably grieving your losses, you have been through a lot, so you should be kind to yourself and get support from someone (not him, he won’t be able to give anyone support, it’s not in his skill set).

  2. 2
    BBQ

    I think she should take him back for reals

  3. 3
    Michelle

    I think you have an opportunity here to pause and do some self work, maybe therapy. The fact you kept not only tolerating his poor treatment of you but “begged” him (your words) to return to you after all of that shows some self esteem/self love issues. HIs behaviour was cruel and emotionally abusive. You are not “confused”, you just don’t want to believe what is right in front of you. You don’t respect yourself so he naturally doesn’t either. You deserve better, but you until YOU believe that and do the self work, you have a strong chance of finding and attracting someone else just like him till you fix your stuff girl. Move on, focus on you and what you need to be whole and you will attract and choose better next time. This guy is a non starter in every sense of the word and will bring you a world of pain.

  4. 4
    Jenn

    Should’ve had the kids and dumped the chump. They didn’t deserve to die because their father is an asshole. Oy vay.

  5. 5
    Rox

    Why some of us women don’t listen when a man tells us how he feels. Why would you think you can change him.Change your self. Leave that man alone, you’ll find someone who wants marriage and kids
    Slow down and be patient. If it’s meant for you you’ll receive it!

  6. 6
    Yet Another Guy

    I am just curious as to how this woman got pregnant twice without playing an active role in the pregnancies. I was man-slut before I married. Call me lucky, but I managed to put off fathering a child until I married. Most women know their cycle; therefore, they should know their most fertile days. I have never known a woman who got pregnant on the pill while taking it correctly, which means not skipping days, taking it at the same time everyday, waiting at least seven days after taking the pill to have unprotected sex (better yet, an entire cycle), … While I feel for the LW, her boyfriend is a dick, she needs to take more personal responsibility and that means saying “no” to intercourse during the days where she is most likely to be ovulating, as the only birth control method that is 100% effective is abstinence. If the man with whom she shares her life cannot accept “no” as an answer, she should kick him to the curb because he is too stupid to have as a partner.

    1. 6.1
      sylvana

      YAG,

      don’t even start on that subject. I have two friends who had to have their IUDs removed because they became pregnant. And when a women is using birth control, there IS no such thing as fertile days. That’s what hormonal birth control is supposed to do: P r e v e n t ovulation. And since most birth control does rely on hormones, it also relies on the woman’s natural hormone household. If anything throws the natural hormone household out of balance or the natural balance isn’t within normal ranges, it renders birth control ineffective. And once again – there is no such thing as “most fertile days” when you’re talking about taking hormones that completely mess with and interfere with a woman’s natural hormones.

      And quite honestly, most women who’ve been on birth control from a young age and most of their life, have no clue about fertile days, etc. They never had to worry about it, and a lot never had a natural cycle due to taking birth control. And by natural cycle I’m not referring to the shedding of uterine lining. I’m referring to ovulation.

      And while we’re on the subject — The two sexes have two separate reproductive roles. The man’s reproductive role is to inseminate and fertilize a woman’s egg. The woman’s is to incubate and birth the egg he fertilized. A woman plays zero role in insemination and fertilization, just like the man plays zero role in incubation and birth.

      Sex is not a reproductive role. Just like driving is not causing an accident, aka a man slamming his car (sperm) into a woman’s car (egg). Without insemination, all the sex in the world will NEVER lead to pregnancy. Likewise, sex is not needed to achieve insemination and fertilization.

      I am beyond tired of hearing how a woman is 50% responsible for men’s sperm and men’s reproductive roles.

      The reason she got pregnant was because her boyfriend, who did not want a child, did not control his sperm and his reproductive role. As a matter of fact, it seems he thought it was a good idea to dump that fertile load right where it had the best possible chance of completing his reproductive role. Meanwhile, praying that the chemicals she pumps her body full of for his benefit will manage to undo the action he already took.

      I’m extremely glad women have birth control available nowadays. But it is absolutely absurd that men keep using that to place responsibility for a man’s sperm, the physical damages his sperm can cause another person, and man’s reproductive role on a woman’s shoulders. Controlling sperm, causing damages with sperm, and a man’s reproductive role are 100% the MAN’S responsibility.

      It’s bad enough that a woman has to pump herself full of hormones or use even more drastic implants to allow you guys less worry when it comes to what your baby-making juice does. But don’t you dare go blaming a woman if she does end up pregnant. Anything a woman can do is no more than backtracking after a man has already taken all the steps necessary to cause maximum possible damages.

      1. 6.1.1
        Yet Another Guy

        @sylvana

        Yes, there are supposed to be no fertile days while on birth control because it tricks woman’s body into believing it is pregnant by altering progesterone and estrogen. However, the reality is that many women are not religious about taking it at exactly the some time everyday or they skip a day here and there. In that case, there are fertile days. Most of the women who become pregnant on birth control do so via usage error. That is well documented. The pill is 99.7% effective if taken correctly and abstinence is practiced during the periods where drugs that interfere with its efficacy are being taken. That means that less than one in one hundred women will become pregnant on birth control. I seriously doubt that the LW is that women. She became pregnant twice in a year. I know several women who were able to take birth control for health or religious reasons who planned their families. Yes, that takes a lot of monitoring and self-control.

        I am not letting the guy off of the hook. He is a clearly a careless, self-focused douche bag. The fact that he impregnated two woman demonstrates that he is too stupid to marry. He should undergo vasectomy and be done with it.

        Do you know why I never got a woman pregnant before I marred? I never left it to chance. Even when a woman I was dating was on birth control, I always counted the days in her cycle and insured that she took it correctly because there is no such thing as 100% effective birth control other than abstinence. If she skipped a day or was taking antibiotics, I treated things like she was not on birth control. Any unmarried guy who is not sterilized that is dating a non-postmenopausal, non-sterilized woman needs to maintain an appreciable level of paranoia when it comes to protecting himself against an unwanted pregnancy. Once again, the LW’s boyfriend is too stupid to marry.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          YAG, I used a condom with all but two girlfriends in my entire life, so as not to rely on her birth control. I was not taking ANY chances.

        2. Yet Another Guy

          @Evan

          That is what I call an appreciable level of paranoia. I wore a condom more than I did not, but a condom still not foolproof. I had few condoms break on me. However, your comment reinforces my assertion that the LW’s boyfriend is too stupid to marry. Any man who has gotten a woman pregnant that is not paranoid about doing it again is an idiot. He’s the kind of man who has an affair when he is married and impregnates his paramour. One cannot fix that kind of stupid.

        3. Mrs Happy

          “… the LW’s boyfriend is too stupid to marry.”
          Last I checked there wasn’t an IQ bar to jump in order to marry. In fact, people of lower IQ probably fare better within a marriage than they would alone.

          He isn’t stupid. He is reckless and selfish, but he has manipulated/convinced at least 3 women (and I’d bet my savings account there are more than 3) to have abortions, so I suspect stupid isn’t one of his top character attributes.

      2. 6.1.2
        mara zampariolo

        Standing ovation

    2. 6.2
      Mara

      All it it takes is one diahreea not to assimilate the pill

  7. 7
    sylvana

    I can’t believe that stories like this are even real.

    Let’s see. She asked him about marriage. He told her that he’s happy with the way things are. And she somehow thinks that was NOT a straight answer? How? That’s about as straight an answer as she can get. Anything else is just her being in denial.

    Then she tells him to move out. When SHE is trying to get back together, he told her straight up that they need to stick to the decision she has already made – the decision of them breaking up. And that he needs to heal independently. And now she’s asking if she should dump him? Um, honey, you already DID dump him. You can’t dump someone you’ve already broken up with. You are not together for you to dump him again. Once again, denial hard at work.

    What kind of thinking is this?

    Overall, it is mindboggling to me that people like this actually exist. Her own thought process is contradicting itself repeatedly. Not to mention how many times does one need to get bashed in the forehead with a 2 x 4 before comprehension kicks in?

    1. 7.1
      Mrs Happy

      Emotionally damaged people don’t think logically about attachment and relationships. He has probably been her main source of support for some time; it’s thus not a surprise she turns to him when she is low.

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