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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
I’d love to hear your thoughts about dating while pregnant. Here’s my story: I’m divorced, and have two great kids aged 9 and 12. I’ve been dating for about 2.5 years, following your advice, understanding that it’s a process, being patient, and learning about myself and about men. I know I will eventually find my great match. Well, I was dating a nice guy for a couple of months and it didn’t work out. I found out I was pregnant after we broke it off. We practiced safe sex, and yet here I am. I’m planning on keeping the baby and we have decided to co-parent as friends. After the initial surprise wore off, a lot of self-reflection, and talks with the father, I am happy about it and feel confident that it’s the right decision to proceed the way we are. I am already accustomed to being a single mom, and I always wanted a 3rd child, a dream that I thought I had to give up on when my husband left. I’m 44 and 2 months into the pregnancy and so far, everything is smooth sailing. I don’t want to put off looking for my life partner for two years while I’m pregnant and have an infant. Of course, I realize that my pool of interested bachelors may be limited or different than it was before.

I consider myself to be an all-around great catch, but I am sure this will narrow down my options for a while. I am cute, fun to be with, easygoing, positive, in good shape (growing at the moment, but have always done a great job of bouncing back after my previous pregnancies), I own my own business and am economically self-reliant, and am not worried that the new baby will interfere with that.

I’ve got everything going for me and don’t want to stop my search for love, although, I may not be going out as often as I was before simply because I am going to bed earlier and not drinking for now. Even if I don’t find someone until two years from now, I don’t feel like I should banish myself from meeting people and having a nice time getting to know new men during this stage of my life. I’m okay with being alone for the moment, but two more years is a long time to be alone. So, how should I proceed? Do I tell people about this openly and honestly? Do I write it in my profile? What are some things I should look out for as I chat with new prospects? I have turned my profiles off for the time being while I think about my approach. Please help!

Sincerely,
Jenny

Dear Jenny,

You’re having a baby out of wedlock with a guy you dated for a couple of months. You’ve decided to keep the child and co-parent, and you’re confident that, as an economically self-reliant woman, the new baby won’t interfere with that.

Fair enough.

You’ve been a parent longer than I have, so it’s not my job to remind you that being a working single mother with a new baby is just about the hardest job there is on the entire planet.

You may be the greatest catch on earth, but who, exactly, is looking to partner up with a woman who is going to be the mother of an infant — a breastfeeding, up-all-night, suck-up-all-the energy, dictate-when-you-can-and-can’t-go-out infant?

But dating while pregnant is your choice and I support your ability to make that choice. I also support the concept that you don’t want to be alone for a long time — that love is important and something worth having immediately. I wouldn’t be a dating coach if I felt otherwise.

Here’s where we seem to part ways:

I’m a reality-based dating coach. I have a hard time indulging people’s fantasies just because they’re technically possible.

Declare your love before you’ve ever met in person? Have sex in the bathroom on your first date? Elope after one month? Sorry, but being pregnant and dating is kind of in that realm. Someone may have pulled it off, but there’s a reason you don’t hear many marital success stories that begin this way.

Naturally, I do know a woman who successfully dated while pregnant and met a great guy who wanted to become a father. Lucky her.

Personally, I think pregnant dating would look a lot more like this.

I have great sympathy for you, as well as admiration for your can-do attitude. What you seem to have barely considered is not simply how YOU feel about this situation but how members of the opposite sex would feel about dating you at this time when you’re two months pregnant.

It doesn’t seem like you’ve factored that into the equation, so let me tell you as honestly as I can: most men wouldn’t be interested in dating a pregnant woman. You may be the epitome of the “has-it-all-together” single mom, but it’s not a stretch to say that this is about the last situation a man would want to get himself into.

Your love life should (and will) take a backseat until your youngest is in preschool and you will be a single mom who is a perfect fit for a single dad in a similar situation.

You’re already a working mother of two, presumably with many demands on your time.

You’re now pregnant with a third child, sired by a man you’re no longer dating (who will co-parent).

You may be the greatest catch on earth, but who, exactly, is looking to partner up with a woman who is going to be the mother of an infant — a breastfeeding, up-all-night, suck-up-all-the energy, dictate-when-you-can-and-can’t-go-out infant?

That’s not a slam on you. It’s a simple question: who’s your target audience?

    • – Not men below 40 who want to have their own kids. They’re looking for women, 25-35.
    • – Not men between 40-50 who want to have their own kids. They may consider women up to 40.
    • – Not men between 40-50 who have no interest in having more kids. You’ve got one on the way.
    • – We could say that maybe men 40-50 who want MORE kids could have potential, but do they really want to get on board with another guy and a wife who has to put her baby’s needs first?

Maybe — if he’s really, really desperate to have a family and sees no other options.

So, very much like this blog post where I expressed deep sympathy for the reader but couldn’t easily see a path to success, I wish you the best of luck, but would think your dating life should (and will) take a backseat until your youngest is in preschool and you will be a single mom who is a perfect fit for a single dad in a similar situation.

But right now, NOBODY is in a similar situation.

Finally, if I’m wrong, more power to you. I’m rooting for you to get what you want, no matter what.