My Boyfriend Is Both Attractive and Safe, but I Still Think Of Breaking up With Him

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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
Me and my boyfriend have been together for around 3 months. When we first started dating, I didn’t really get the butterflies, I got nervous cause I was scared that I would say something and he wouldn’t like me. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes even though I didn’t really like him yet, or maybe I did, but I know I do now.

At the start of the relationship, I’d nitpick every little thing about him, and I don’t know why. He’s such an amazing guy, and when we’re together, I just feel so safe and like nothing else matters. I’m sexually attracted to him, but when it comes down to having sex, I always get nervous and insecure and overthink everything. 

Now, when I’m not with him and occasionally when we’re together, I get random thoughts of oh, do I really like him and trying to convince myself I don’t. When we’re apart, I just feel so distant from him, and my mind tries to tell me I don’t like him, and it’s time to break up with him when I really don’t want to.

I don’t understand what’s going on.

~ Grace

You’re in a healthy relationship, and it’s a good sign, Grace. This is how it’ll feel like. I know it can be confusing when your default setting for a relationship is anxiety but trust me on this one.

I know it can be confusing when your default setting for relationships is anxiety but trust me on this one.

I spend ten years dating in Los Angeles. I never stay together with someone else for more than 8 months. I was always looking for a greater high. The women who excited me most break up with me – in one month, three months, six months. The women who were safe and easygoing never seem like enough of a challenge. 

It took me a while, but I finally outgrew the desire for butterflies in a relationship – probably when I realized that it’s never a good predictor of my future. I have an exercise in Love U called The Husband Picker. In it, you learn why you nitpick some guys and not others, and consider what it’s like to have a partner who’s constantly nitpicking with you. 

What you’ll eventually realize is that the reason you feel safe with your partner is that he accepts you as you are. This doesn’t necessarily produce a dopamine spike, which is why you find yourself second-guessing your relationship, but you don’t need to be addicted to your partner like he’s crystal meth. You need to have a partner who allows you to let down your guard, be yourself, and yes, still provide sexual attraction.

You have all of that.

Now sit back, relax, and try to enjoy the show.