My Boyfriend Is Both Attractive and Safe. Why Do I Think of Breaking Up with Him?

My Boyfriend Is Both Attractive and Safe. Why Do I Think of Breaking Up with Him?
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for around 3 months. When we first started dating I didn’t really get the butterflies, I got nervous cause I was scared that I would say something and he wouldn’t like me. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes even though I didn’t really like like him yet or maybe I did but I know I do now. At the start I would nitpick every little thing about him and I don’t know why. He’s such an amazing guy and when we’re together I just feel so safe and like nothing else matters. I’m sexually attracted to him but when it comes down to having sex I always get nervous and insecure and overthink everything. Now when I’m not with him and occasionally when we’re together I get random thoughts of oh do I really like him and trying to convince myself I don’t. When we’re apart I just feel so distant from him and my mind tries to tell me I don’t like him and I should break up with him when I really don’t want to, I don’t understand what’s going on.

Grace

You’re in a healthy relationship, Grace.

This is how it feels.

I know it can be confusing when your default setting for relationships is anxiety but trust me on this one.

I know it can be confusing when your default setting for relationships is anxiety but trust me on this one.

I spent ten years dating everyone in Los Angeles.

I never had a girlfriend for more than 8 months.

I was always looking for a greater high.

The women who excited me most dumped me – in one month, three months, six months.

The women who were safe and easygoing never seemed like enough of a challenge.

It took me awhile but I finally outgrew the desire for butterflies – probably when I realized that butterflies had never been a good predictor of my future.

I have an exercise in Love U called The Husband Picker.

In it, you learn why you nitpick some guys and not others, and consider what it’s like to have a man who is constantly nitpicking with you.

What you eventually realize is that the reason you feel safe with your boyfriend is that he accepts you as you are. This doesn’t necessarily produce a dopamine spike, which is why you find yourself second-guessing your relationship, but you don’t need to be addicted to your boyfriend like he’s crystal meth. You need to have a boyfriend who allows you to let down your guard, be yourself, and yes, still provide sexual attraction.

You have all of that.

Now sit back, relax, and try to enjoy the show.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Olongapo

    Here’s my take…..If you won’t break any rules with him, if you’re not willing to give everything up for him, if you don’t want to rip his clothes off every time you see him, then dump him. You cannot negotiate desire and despite what Sheryl Sandberg says, rock solid and committed ain’t enough if he doesn’t give you the tingles.

    Let him go. Fire him. Break up by text. Ghost him. Whatever, just as long as he can get the chance to meet a woman who “desires” him. You don’t. He’s not your guy. He’s someone else’s guy and give that woman a chance to find him.

    If you don’t, he’ll eventually resent you for being your “Plan B.” Good luck

    1. 1.1
      Cathalei

      I would agree with you, but she says she’s sexually attracted to the guy but can’t help overthinking for a reason. It’s an issue she has to resolve within herself. It is likely because of her past experiences that she’s expecting the other shoe to drop.

  2. 2
    Clare

    I agree with Evan, but I think he made an important point about sexual attraction.

    Last year, I dated a guy for about a month who was:
    – gorgeous (he looked like Tom Welling from Smallville),
    – 8 years younger than me,
    – one of the kindest, sweetest people I’d ever met, and
    – very intelligent (Mensa IQ).

    He was also besotted with me, made a huge effort and very consistent.

    I have no doubt whatsoever that, had I chosen to be in a relationship with him, I’d have had a very safe relationship with someone who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread.

    But there was absolutely no sexual chemistry between us. It absolutely KILLED me because he was such a great guy, and I knew I’d have had absolutely nothing to worry about if we had become a couple. I agonised over it for weeks. I eventually broke things off and felt a huge sense of relief.

    So, Evan is right that a good relationship should feel safe and easy, but you should definitely pay attention to how sexually attracted you feel to that person. Sexual attraction does not have to go hand-in-hand with a bad partner or an unhealthy relationship, but there needs to be something in the relationship that generates it.

    I think often people stay with or keep going back to bad partners because the anxiety generates excitement/sexual tension. And I think it’s important that healthy relationships generate excitement/sexual tension as well (although in healthy ways, of course).

    1. 2.1
      Marika

      What do you mean by no sexual chemistry, Clare? Do you mean no butterflies? Or you didn’t enjoy sex with him?

      1. 2.1.1
        Clare

        Marika,

        Luckily I can knock this question out of the park without too much controversy.

        We never slept together. It actually just didn’t happen – didn’t even come close – even though we spent the night together a few times.

        He was an innocent who had had very little sexual experience and just seemed to completely lack the confidence to come on to me sexually. Even when he kissed me, it was these very nervous, quick, tentative kisses which completely took the fun out of it.

        There was no heat, no passion, and even though I have a very high sex drive, I refused to force it. He clearly wanted to – when I told him that I couldn’t be with him because of the lack of sexual chemistry – he tried in a very clumsy way to come onto me several times, but it just didn’t feel natural and I wasn’t into it.

        The bottom line is that we were worlds apart in terms of experience and sexual confidence. He also idolised me a bit too much. It was in no way an equal relationship.

    2. 2.2
      Jeremy

      I agree, Clare. There’s a big difference between being in a good relationship (and simply not recognizing the feeling due to attachment issues), vs being in a relationship that’s all comfort and no arousal (and thinking that’s ok due to a desire for stability or kids).

      Being with a man in spite of a lack of arousal is not doing him a favour, no matter how hot you are, no matter how much you think you’re offering him, no matter how ok he is with it right now. The question is, is that the case here?

      1. 2.2.1
        Emily, to

        Well, there’s broccoli or there’s chocolate cake. I’ve recently radically cleaned up my diet. Do I feel better? Yes. Will this be healthier for me in the long run? You betcha. But do I still long for the days of chocolate cake and soda? Every day.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          This is my analogy, and, as always, there is a lot of food in between broccoli and chocolate cake. Why continue creating false binaries and live your life as if they’re true?

      2. 2.2.2
        Marika

        Hi all

        As someone who is aware that she has confused attachment with chemistry in the past, and over-rated chemistry, Evan’s advice regarding a 7 chemistry/10 relationship is a good rule of thumb (for me) and makes infinite sense.

        Until…

        It becomes clear on here (and more importantly, in dating) that people have quite disparate views on chemistry. Onlongpo for instance, reads the letter that Evan said is a normal relationship as a big issue and advises LW to get out. In my own life, I once had a guy tell me he found me attractive, loved my company, found the sex, in his words “f-en amazing” but we had *no* chemistry. WTF? He was a very no- filter guy with no tendency to give false compliments, so believe it all. I just don’t understand it. It messed with my head, really, and even though I had my doubts about the relationship, that confusion and anxiety created (unhealthy, false) chemistry for me.

        I guess it doesn’t matter, as that’s not a recipe for a good relationship, but given this issue keeps raising it’s head, I’d love to know from the non-crazy chemistry seekers (eg Clare), if you want to sleep with someone and find them attractive, what else is needed for ‘chemistry’ which is healthy? Honestly makes no sense to me. But I am interested to know.
        My personal understanding of ‘no chemistry’ is my roommate who I don’t find attractive and would never want to sleep with. If I find someone attractive but kiss them and feel nothing (or nothing much), that’s too low chemistry. Beyond that, if I do want to sleep with them and find their company fun and like how they look, and feel flirty around them without fear and crazy-making that to me is a definite 7.

        1. Clare

          Marika,

          “In my own life, I once had a guy tell me he found me attractive, loved my company, found the sex, in his words “f-en amazing” but we had *no* chemistry. WTF?…

          I guess it doesn’t matter, as that’s not a recipe for a good relationship, but given this issue keeps raising it’s head, I’d love to know from the non-crazy chemistry seekers (eg Clare), if you want to sleep with someone and find them attractive, what else is needed for ‘chemistry’ which is healthy?”

          I am sorry that this relationship messed with your head because, in my experience, many men are quite inaccurate in diagnosing the reasons why a relationship isn’t working (sorry to Jeremy and the other guys here – you guys are more articulate than is usual).

          I have (in two different relationships in my life) had a guy tell me “I don’t love you” as the reason for why he couldn’t be with me, only for him to tell me “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone” a year or two later when he wanted to get back together. As I questioned these guys a bit more, it became apparent that they assumed that I *knew* that they loved me, but that the relationship just wasn’t working for other reasons.

          This could be men’s lack of emotional reasoning in comparison to women, or the lack of practice in expressing how they feel or articulating relationship problems. I’m not sure.

          Either way, I would not necessarily take what this guy said to you about chemistry literally. When he said a lack of “chemistry,” it could mean a number of things. It could mean he’d met someone else who is “shiny,” new and exciting. It could mean that he is not commitment-ready and still wants variety and options. It could mean that he is not mature enough to appreciate a good relationship in its entirety. It could mean that he values one specific thing which he has maybe had before which was not present in the relationship between the two of you, but which may or may not be a good thing.

          My point is, people do not always take the time to analyse things the way we do here on this blog, neither are they necessarily very good at it if they do. I try not to take things too literally and personally, and for another reason as well. People’s feelings are influenced by all kinds of things, and they can change, sometimes dramatically.

          The fact that the relationship was not that great (that you had doubts and anxiety) was reason enough to leave it. I think you need to look at the relationship holistically. Lack of chemistry wasn’t necessarily the problem.

          As far as what is needed for me to feel a healthy level of chemistry for my partner: Yes, I should find them attractive and want to sleep with them. And I would add two further things. I should want to sleep with them consistently over time (ie. desire should not diminish significantly once the newness has worn off), and I should want to sleep with them enough that I am happy to give up other sexual partners.

        2. Jeremy

          Meta-goals, Marika, what does the person want from the sex? What does he/she want from the relationship? The answer to these 2 questions will almost never be the same thing. Some men can have sex, have amazing orgasms from the sex, but not click emotionally with their partner. The one has nothing to do with the other for that person. So what is the person defining as “chemistry”? The sex, or the emotional connection? To a person who can’t/won’t have sex until she feels that emotional connection, the issue would be confusing – sex and emotional chemistry are intertwined or else there would be no sex. Not so for everyone.

          Regarding what Olongapo wrote, I understand him very well. Evan is focusing on the relationship from the standpoint of the woman, and Olongapo is focusing on the standpoint of the man. I once dated a woman to whom I was wildly attracted. And after a couple of months she broke up with me because she just didn’t feel the attraction – admitted that she wasn’t sure what she wanted, didn’t think she knew what love was, had never really felt attraction to anyone and wasn’t sure what it would feel like and didn’t want to lead me on. Well, being young and stupid I continued to pursue her and after a few months of “friendship” we resumed a relationship. She ended up falling in love with me, would have married me, likely would have been as happy as she could have been given her emotional limitations…..but I would not have been happy. I was hoping that if only I could “win her over” she would come to love me as I wanted to be loved, desired. But I eventually realized that she never would have desired me, that her version of love was a pale shadow of the sort of love I wanted, that sex for her would always have been only for me – a favour – and that that fact would forever set the power-balance of the relationship, I would forever be jumping through hoops to try to earn affection that would otherwise not be forthcoming, affection predicated on hoop-jumping. And she’d be plenty happy with that, given that her main desires were comfort, security, lifestyle, and children and that sexual and emotional desire were barely on her radar. Advice to her to seek me might have been good advice, given what she wanted. But advice to me to seek her? Yuck. No thanks.

        3. Jeremy

          Sorry to add to an already long post, but one other thing bears saying: Our attitude toward this issue will all depend on how we define “love,” – not just the language with which we receive love, but the emotion we hope to obtain through that language. For a person whose love language is Words, for example, the emotion they usually hope to obtain through words is Connection. Love equals bonding, connection, INTIMACY. Such a person believes that everyone experiences love that way, and when she encounters a person who doesn’t she might say of him that he “is afraid of intimacy.” He isn’t afraid of it, it’s just not primary in the mix of what HE considers love to be.

          In the same way, I recognize in Olongapo’s comment (and in a myriad of such comments on the manosphere) the notion that for those men, desire is primary in the emotional mix of what love means. For such people, if desire is not present and forthcoming, there is no love – regardless of the presence of connection and intimacy.

          One night, as my wife and I were vacationing and I’d had too much to drink at dinner, we eavesdropped on the young honeymooning couple at the table beside us. “I love you,” he whispered to her. “I love you too,” she smiled. I laughed into my napkin. “What are you laughing at,” my wife demanded, “it’s beautiful.” “I’m laughing because they think they’re saying the same thing,” I drunkenly replied. “They ARE saying the same thing,” my wife said. “No, they aren’t,” I replied, my humor evaporating from my drunken features. “They’re saying the same WORDS.”

        4. Emily, to

          Marika,
          “if you want to sleep with someone and find them attractive, what else is needed for ‘chemistry’ which is healthy? Honestly makes no sense to me. But I am interested to know.”
          I’m guessing … but you (the universal you) can find someone attractive and want to sleep with them, but not be excited by it. Really turned on. But to be sure, you would need to ask a chemistry-seeking dude about that one. The only one we have on here is Buck.

        5. Emily, to

          Marika,
          I’ll use another food analogy in reference to “I find you attractive but don’t feel chemistry.” I’m eating much more healthfully, and the food is filling and sometimes very good, but it’s not satisfying the way cake and a burger are. Sometimes, after I eat a meal, there’s a part of me that’s still scrounging for something else.

      3. 2.2.3
        Clare

        I completely agree, Jeremy.

        I believe that, in a relationship, sex is a major way in which both men and women feel affirmed.

        I cannot imagine a romantic relationship without sexual enthusiasm for your partner.

        1. Marika

          Thanks all. So Clare, with the hot younger guy, the sex was fine but not amazing? Or not good at all? Would you refer to that as low chemistry? No chemistry?

          This is all interesting and useful, and I definitely think you’re right about people not knowing what they want (eg guy above also said a range of other contradictory things), but there still seems to be a wide variance – more than I think is reasonable, really – in what *enough* chemistry is. For instance when you talk about sex needing to be great and worth giving up others, what happens if 10 years in, and you’re married you don’t feel that way anymore about the sex (for instance)? You end it?

          I know how the dopamine seekers feel (and I’m pretty sure this guy was one of them), but you and Jeremy aren’t like that, and still weighed in with some level of doubt/caution on this post. I guess I’m wondering why. Is compatibility *that* easy to come by that more chemistry becomes a reasonable thing to seek when it’s there but not all the way? Not for me. I’d change it up, find new positions, wear some outfit, get an oyster,
          whatever, for a guy who made me laugh, I could spend days at a time happily and comfortably with, but the sex wasn’t off the charts amazing. I wouldn’t give all that up to find both, personally.

        2. Jeremy

          Marika, there is a difference between “chemistry” – an ephemeral dopamine spike – versus your partner’s ability and willingness to give you what you need in order to feel love. Whatever love means to you.

        3. Clare

          Marika,

          “For instance when you talk about sex needing to be great and worth giving up others, what happens if 10 years in, and you’re married you don’t feel that way anymore about the sex (for instance)? You end it?”

          For me, no, I would not end it. Definitely not. I’m like you. I would try everything I could to bring back regular sex.

          It’s hard for me to imagine, though, because I’ve never been in a relationship where there was high compatibility and low chemistry/sex drive. For me, if the chemistry and passion was there once, and the relationship is good, it can definitely come back.

          It’s virtually impossible for me to imagine thinking someone is perfect for me but not wanting to sleep with them. The two go hand-in-hand. If we’re really that compatible, I’d like to think we could work through whatever was causing a lack of desire. I have a high sex drive, so I think that helps.

          “Is compatibility *that* easy to come by that more chemistry becomes a reasonable thing to seek when it’s there but not all the way? Not for me. I’d change it up, find new positions, wear some outfit, get an oyster,
          whatever, for a guy who made me laugh, I could spend days at a time happily and comfortably with, but the sex wasn’t off the charts amazing. I wouldn’t give all that up to find both, personally.”

          I agree with you, personally. But, as I observed above, other people are not always logical or the best arbiters of what will make them happiest. People are contradictory and complex, and they often make choices without a lot of thought for the long-term consequences.

          People need to make their own mistakes. It’s frustrating – especially when you are the partner who has been seemingly discarded for no reason – but people are at differing levels of maturity and differing levels of appreciation for great relationships. As I’ve said so often before, sometimes people just need to work out their own issues before they can be the kind of partner who is ready for such a great relationship, before they can be the kind of person who will stick with something good and make it work.

          It’s not necessarily about chemistry, in my opinion – I think it can be about the need to explore and experience and thrill-seek before being in a place to settle into a good relationship.

        4. Marika

          Yes all true, Clare.

          I think it was the *no* chemistry that killed me. ‘Less than I want’, ‘not high enough for me’, okay, all a judgement call. But none? After we’d had all of that. I call an end to using the word no-chemistry in a breakup!! Unless you haven’t had sex. But even then… Or unless *you* (the general you) personally know you’ve done everything in your power to work on building / maintaining it.

          I think I’m really just getting sick of people with no self awareness. Mine is high, not that I always learn from my mistakes, but I recognize where I’m making them and why, can look back on my relationships and understand what I did wrong and why. I don’t expect it to be that high, but some would be nice. So many daters are out there are walking around saying unhelpful things to people and blaming them, with no accountability for their own stuff. Unlike LW, who’s not sure what this all means and so she reaches out for help, rather than telling the guy he’s boring or something equally cutting. And moving on to keep doing that again to the next person.

          Evan should have some business cards we hand out at breakups. “Oh really, you’re breaking up because of that? Okay, well if you ever want to figure out why it’s never working out for you, have a read of this material. Good luck to you!”
          A girl can dream…

          Rant over 😉

        5. Clare

          Marika,

          The business card idea… Oh, I would love that!

          “I think I’m really just getting sick of people with no self awareness…. I don’t expect it to be that high, but some would be nice. So many daters are out there are walking around saying unhelpful things to people and blaming them, with no accountability for their own stuff.”

          I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to fight the urge to say “What the eff are you talking about??!!” when someone broke up with me back when I was dating a lot. So often it would be complete and utter balls. AND the person would usually slink back into my life at a later stage with seemingly no memory of what they had said.

          It’s frustrating. Especially when you are someone who owns and works on your own stuff (like you are, like I am) and you usually have a good barometer of how good/bad a situation or relationship is objectively.

          I actually think it’s almost worth accepting that the self-awareness of most other people is not very high, and sometimes, we have to interpret the situation for them. And for ourselves. But yes, it’s harsh when you hear something like “no chemistry” which immediately makes you feel delusional and about two feet tall. Again, I’ve had this “no chemistry” comment myself. It came after a second date where a guy took me out to an expensive dinner and came back to my place for coffee, kissed me rather awkwardly and then asked to see me naked, and I said “no.”

          Go figure. I don’t think much of people who offer “no chemistry” as a reason in situations like yours and mine.

        6. Marika

          I once read (Gottman maybe?) that when you let your guard down in a romantic relationship you are as vulnerable as you were when you were a 3/4 year old. Not a couple of dates in, but once you’re really ‘in’. It’s true. You have to be that way to have a shot at finding real, raw, true love. If you can shrug and walk away (oh well, another clod!) at the end of a relationship I’d wonder how much you really gave yourself to it.

          I sometimes think people who are rude or dismissive of the feelings of someone they have dated seriously towards the end got that way because previous people have acted that way to them and they are ‘paying it forward’. I guess a good response to some cloddish BS is “who hurt you?”.

          I do think chemistry is overused too, to the point of being almost meaningless. I see it in online profile after online profile, hear it thrown around all the time. Saying ‘I need chemistry’ is like saying ‘I need someone with a face’. Um, of course. How much is what’s interesting. And why?

  3. 3
    Marika

    Oh sorry, Clare, didn’t realize you’d answered the first bit already in an earlier comment. Disregard, yes, that sounds like not enough chemistry and too much of a difference in experience. Thanks for your openness 🙂

  4. 4
    Gallilee

    Marika,
    A lot of this kinda thing can just be semantic confusion. Like the guy who told you there was no chemistry, I can see myself saying that in that situation. Because for me and a lot of other guys it probably means something slightly different. As far as I’m concerned I’ve had sexual chemistry with everybody I’ve ever had sex with. So some of the definitions here of chemistry…i don’t really know what that it because I’ve either never felt it…or never not felt it. It’s like trying to talk about an emotion you’ve never experienced. There’s just an awkward vocabulary issue. I’d take what he said to mean something along the lines of: ‘I like you but I don’t see us as getting along well enough or being similar enough people to be in a relationship.’
    Hope this helps:)

    1. 4.1
      Marika

      It does, Gallilee, thank you 🙂 That wording I would absolutely agree with.

      But I would strongly advise anyone against saying anything to do with ‘chemistry’ or similar words after you’ve slept with the person as a reason not to pursue further. It’s the female equivalent of someone telling you (the general you) that you aren’t big enough down there for them. I would never, ever, for instance, tell that guy that actually while the sex was good, for me it was definitely not ‘f-en amazing’ (there was a step missed, in my opinion). It just doesn’t need to be said.

      I’m a big proponent of leaving someone in a similar condition to how you found them at the end of a relationship, self-esteem wise.

      1. 4.1.1
        Emily, to

        Marika,
        “But I would strongly advise anyone against saying anything to do with ‘chemistry’ or similar words after you’ve slept with the person as a reason not to pursue further.”
        While I think this was not a particularly nice way to end things — why tell you that at all? — does it really matter why this guy broke up with you? I think people get too hung up on the reasons they are given and the reasons are usually bullshit anyway. I would just chalk this up as this guy being an emotional clod and you dodged a bullet.

        1. Clare

          Emily,

          “I think people get too hung up on the reasons they are given and the reasons are usually bullshit anyway. I would just chalk this up as this guy being an emotional clod and you dodged a bullet.”

          Bingo! You and Gallilee have nicely made the point I was trying to tell Marika.

          When people want to break up, usually for their own selfish reasons, they grasp at any old straw which they hope will stick long enough for them to make their exit.

          I think we make a big mistake if we ascribe too much meaning to the reasons people give us in these situations and anything they say about *us*. The person might be an emotional clod, have limited emotional reasoning or vocabulary, and almost certainly has limited self-awareness.

          I say this because, as Marika has pointed out, the number of people with healthy self-awareness out there is very low. It frustrates me too. For those of us who do have self-awareness, we tend to think other people are operating from the same considered place as we are, so their words sting. Personally, if someone says something to me/about me, I’ve trained myself to weigh it as objectively as I can for any truth. I’ve found that if there *is* something constructive in there that I can work with, it will usually ring true for me or follow a pattern I’ve noticed in other situations.

          If someone says something which seems to be totally inaccurate, don’t twist yourself in knots trying to make it fit. The much more likely possibility is that they were not good at expressing their true feelings/meaning.

        2. Emily, to

          Clare,
          “If someone says something which seems to be totally inaccurate, don’t twist yourself in knots trying to make it fit.”
          I once saw an interview with Richard Gere and he was asked about all the gay rumors. He said,” I’m an apple. If you call me a pear, I’m still an apple.” I think the same logic applies here. Disregard what someone tells you as they are exiting. Unless, of course, you keep hearing the same thing over and over. “You’re too judgmental” or “You’re too angry.” Then maybe it’s time to consider that some of it may be true. But we all know that Marika is a hot tamale capable of generating intense chemistry. The guy’s a moron.

    2. 4.2
      Stacy

      More often than not – ‘no chemistry’ means, ‘I am attracted enough to sleep with you, but I am not attracted enough to want to build a relationship.’ It could be for a multitude of reasons – for men, I think many times it’s physical. For women, I think many times it’s emotional. It’s the difference between the person you sleep with and the person you want to take home.

  5. 5
    Paula

    ‘I think people get too hung up on the reasons they are given and the reasons are usually bullshit anyway.’

    110% agree with this. When pressed by a guy for why I decline another date, I reply that neither of us is well served by going into it. Likewise when I’m on the receiving end I much prefer something like ‘I just don’t think it’s a good fit.’ The end.

    1. 5.1
      Emily, to

      Paula,
      “When pressed by a guy for why I decline another date, I reply that neither of us is well served by going into it. Likewise when I’m on the receiving end I much prefer something like ‘I just don’t think it’s a good fit.'”
      Totally agree. Nothing more needs to be said, unless, of course, you’re in a serious, long-term relationship. If someone wants to exit a marriage, the reasons why need to be discussed.

  6. 6
    MilkyMae

    I have a different take. This woman is smitten with her boyfriend. If she gets nervous when he is not around, I would say the butterflies are swarming. She may be a little infatuated with him. She likes him so much that she thinks her judgement is compromised. She feels safe but her decision making skills are unsafe. Her attraction is so strong that the caution part of her brain is overheating.

  7. 7
    Yet Another Guy

    @Jeremy

    ” So what is the person defining as “chemistry”? The sex, or the emotional connection? To a person who can’t/won’t have sex until she feels that emotional connection, the issue would be confusing – sex and emotional chemistry are intertwined or else there would be no sex. Not so for everyone.”

    You have hit the nail squarely on the head. Christie Hartman stated that there are three different types of chemistry in her book entitled “Changing Your Game: A Man’s Guide to Success with Women;” namely, emotional, intellectual, and physical. She also stated that men tend to lead with emotional chemistry and women tend to lead with emotional chemistry. Now, not all men lead with physical chemistry nor do all women lead with emotional chemistry, but enough do that the general principle holds. This difference is embodied in the saying, “Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.” I was not able to internalize this difference in the perception of chemistry until very recently. I understood the concept at the surface level, but not well enough to internalize it.

    Everyone who reads this blog knows that I have gone round and round about women having NSA sex with men who are not relationship material while making men who are relationship material wait. To me and most other men, that practice is backwards. Why? Because what the average guy means when he feels chemistry when he first meets a woman is that he feels an intense, almost impossible to describe desire to physically bond with her. Now, men are indiscriminate breeders because they do not control access to sex. Just because a guy finds a woman very attractive and desires to have sex with her does not mean that he feels any type of chemistry for her, and that assertion holds true even if the sex is fantastic. However, every once in a while, a man meets a women where the desire to physically bond with her is overpowering to the point of blinding him to any flaws she may possess. At that point, pursue and conquer mode is on its highest setting. That is physical chemistry as it is experienced by a man. She is not just an attractive woman with whom he desires to get busy. She is special from a physical desire point of view where he is stupefied. It is almost impossible for even the most hardcore player to run game on a woman in this state.

    I have stated that man feel likes he ranks lower in the male social hierarchy when discovers that a woman made him wait when she had NSA sex with a non-relationship guy prior to him, and for the most part, that is true. However, it is more complex when a guy feels true chemistry with a woman. Because men lead with physical chemistry, they expect women to lead with physical chemistry. Her making him wait makes him feel like she is just not feeling it, which can be scary when a man is in this state because men hate to be vulnerable. Now, if we visit what she is experiencing when she feels chemistry, why she is making him wait makes a lot of sense. I have come to appreciate what most women mean when they say that they did not feel chemistry with a man when first meeting him (i.e., most women are looking for that elusive connection that sets things ablaze). However, if they feel emotional chemistry, they enter a state akin to what a man feels when he feels physical chemistry for a woman, one that is also scary. That is why women do the “protect my heart” thing. This difference in how initial chemistry is experienced does not mean that a woman does not need to find a man attractive to feel this way. It just means that when an experienced woman feels emotional chemistry, she tends to postpone demonstrating physical chemistry until he has proven himself to be trustworthy, which means demonstrating that he says what he means and does what he says; otherwise, him saying that he will commit her means nothing. Here is where we have a catch 22. The man is postponing emotional chemistry until he has physically bonded with her while the woman is postponing physical chemistry until he has emotionally bonded with her. It is basically a game of relationship chicken where a couple has to hope that male physical chemistry progresses to emotional chemistry and female emotional chemistry progresses to physical chemistry, which, by the way, is why a lot of women say that chemistry can grow for a man, but the reverse is rarely true. The chemistry being felt here is physical chemistry. Intellectual chemistry can be felt by both parties at the beginning. However, if physical chemistry is not felt by the man and emotional chemistry is not felt by the woman, we are talking about a friend zone situation at best, one partner getting used at worst. The mutual experience of all three chemistries is what leads to a “best friends and lovers” relationship. That is something I did not experience until my current relationship, so it never made sense to me. In my humble opinion, that trifecta is required for a lasting, loving, and respectful relationship. It in no way goes against the Evan’s claim that one should shoot for a 7 out 10 chemistry and a 10 out of 10 in compatibility, especially if the chemistry in question is physical chemistry.

    1. 7.1
      Marika

      I understand most of what you’re saying except the last bit, YAG. I think this guy was holding out and wanting that intense physical ‘must-have’ chemistry you described. But as you said that blinds you to people’s flaws. We knew each other well – he had that before, several times (as has Evan) with women who were either bitchy or nasty or ended up dumping him the minute they found that intense chemistry with someone else. Where’s the consideration of compatibility? Character?

      I think you’re saying to work it needs to be the elusive 10/10 chemistry on both sides. Which keeps people single for decades.

      1. 7.1.1
        Emily, to

        Marika,
        ‘I think you’re saying to work it needs to be the elusive 10/10 chemistry on both sides. Which keeps people single for decades.”
        Or forever. Usually one person feels it much more intensely than the other.

      2. 7.1.2
        Stephanie

        He could be one of those people who mistake drama for attraction/chemistry. Sometimes the craziness of a dysfunctional relationship is much more exciting than the ebb and flow of something healthy. Each has its own set of unique challenges and, depending on where we are coming from, its own appeal.

      3. 7.1.3
        Clare

        Marika,

        “he had that before, several times (as has Evan) with women who were either bitchy or nasty or ended up dumping him the minute they found that intense chemistry with someone else.”

        When you first wrote about this guy, I would have bet my life that he had had “insane chemistry” with women in his past who had treated him like shit. And yet here he is, still chasing it, still holding out for it.

        I’ve known several guys like this.

      4. 7.1.4
        Yet Another Guy

        @Marika

        Maybe, I was not clear enough in what I wrote. What I was attempting to say is that chemistry is experienced differently by men and women and that there are three components to it. While men lead with physical chemistry, that merely gets them on the page. While women lead with emotional chemistry, that also merely gets them on the page. If a man who was previously hot and heavy for you states that he does not feel chemistry, then it probably means that he was unable able to proceed to desiring an emotional bond with you. In essence, he was emotionally incompatible with you, which is why saying that a person should look for a 7 out 10 in chemistry and a 10 out of 10 in compatibility is bit too simplistic. Chemistry is a very complex phenomenon that includes compatibility on multiple dimensions.

        1. Marika

          YAG

          I found the different explanations of chemistry for men and women and how they lead with them and the types interesting. And I think this guy would agree with it all, so good to understand that. It does explain his thinking, no doubt.

          But, certainly in my social and dating life, the people who put that much thought and emphasis and weight on chemistry are perpetually single and tend to never look at their own contributions, never at their own relationship skills, because they believe one of these days they will find that person who so perfectly fits them on all levels and it just works.

          Like Clare mentioned, these guys tend to (try to) come back. Often multiple times. Because their ideal on how ‘love’ *should* work isn’t how it does.

    2. 7.2
      ScottH

      You might want to read Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting the Love You Want. It will round out your theories on why people mate up. He also outlines the predictable course of most relationships and why some fail and some make it through. That book and Attached make for some powerful understanding.

    3. 7.3
      Cathalei

      I hope I’m not an anomaly then because I lead with intellectual chemistry, even though I have a very high sexual drive and can be quite intense. I hope it’s not hampering my chances related to compatibility.

      1. 7.3.1
        Yet Another Guy

        @Cathalei

        No, you are not an anomaly. Christie Hartman stated that women also lead with intellectual chemistry. I guess what she was trying to drive home to the guys who read the book is that chemistry is multi-factored and experienced differently than women (or at least in a different sequence).

    4. 7.4
      Selena

      YAG: “Christie Hartman stated that there are three different types of chemistry in her book entitled “Changing Your Game: A Man’s Guide to Success with Women;” namely, emotional, intellectual, and physical.”

      Makes complete sense to me. The word “chemistry” is typically used as a synonym for sexual attraction. Yet, there is more that goes into bonding with another person besides that. One can feel a physical attraction without feeling a “click” -“s/he gets me”-intellectual chemistry. Or feeling a genuine connection – emotional chemistry.

      I came to see these 3 components as parts of a whole. Chemistry(physical), Compatibility (intellectual), Connection (emotional). The 3 C’s- all necessary for a relationship beyond the superficial level.

      Christie Hartman sometimes commented on this blog years ago.

    5. 7.5
      Frigga

      YAG, I totally agree about the whole make him wait thing. I’m a sexual being, if I desire you, I’m not going to wait 3 months or until he makes you his gf. BS.
      When I met my now boyfriend I had just started reading EMK….but I really clicked with him and we ended up having sex on the first date. According to what I read, I had just made a colossal mistake. And I just assumed that I messed up…so I was able to relax just be myself with him.
      But he wanted me. I didn’t have to pretend to be the virginal girl next door. I was me. Soon enough he called me his girlfriend. And we are celebrating our 2nd anniversary next month.

      1. 7.5.1
        Yet Another Guy

        @Frigga

        While I know several long-term couples who had sex on the first date, those relationships are the exception. There really is no way for a woman to know if a guy is into her or if he is just horny because guys tend to be indiscriminate breeders, so Evan’s advice is sound from a filtering point of view. However, any woman who makes a man with whom she feels emotional chemistry wait until he does too has to be aware that men lead with physical chemistry, which is why no experienced man feels special when a woman makes him wait, especially if she has NSA sex with guys who are not relationship material. Both people need to know that the other person is into him/her in a big way. A woman needs to know that a guy desires more than sex from her. A guy needs to know that a woman desires him as strongly as he desires her physically. My advice is to wait at least a couple of dates to see how interested a guy is before sleeping with him. Most guys who are only interested in sex will not follow up after being denied sex on the first date or they will be slow to follow up. Guys who follow up enthusiastically and whose actions align with what they say can be assumed to want more than just sex. From that point, love is a gamble in which one has to be willing lose in order to win. In essence, a guy who wants to be a woman’s boyfriend pretty much knows it from the first date.

    6. 7.6
      Mike

      Women sleeping with the cads while making husband-material men wait—how the heck did we ever get on THIS topic again? I was away from this board for a bit, I guess some things just never change [laughs]

      Anyways I am not so sure about this….we as guys also can tell early on before we sleep with her if she has her life together and if our personalities would click or not e.g., Emotional and intellectual chemistry. Yes we care about that stuff only after we feel physical attraction, but the physical attraction part [whether it is a 6 and could grow, or whether it is starting at a 9 or 10] is established pretty soon.

      And frankly, speaking for myself here, if I meet a woman whom I feel instant chemistry with but in the process of conversation I find she is mooching off her parents or her car is getting repossessed e.g., financial irresponsibility…or even if her personality and mine would clash, then that physical chemistry will evaporate away pretty fast.

  8. 8
    Noquay

    I must say I agree to a point with Olangapo and YAG. This situation is sounding like a glorified friend zone which no one deserves. Don’t know if she is not ready for a rship or if something else is wrong here. The LW is three months in, which is nothing. Her gut is telling her something is off. She is nitpicking constantly, and overthinking, generally a sign that she’s having second thoughts. Three months in should be the “honeymoon” stage which does wear off. As there isn’t much of any intense feeling from the start, what’s going to be left after a few years?
    Wondering if her subconscious is picking up on something her conscious mind is not yet aware of. From personal experience, this is likely a conflict in values, future goals, lifestyle. I’ve known of many women who chose the path of no attraction for comfort and security as their real goal is having children. I’ve never seen that end well. It’s up to us to provide our own comfort and security. I’d say at this point, ride it out for now but pay very, very, close attention. The good thing here is that she’s not so blinded by attraction that she will miss red flags.

    1. 8.1
      Jeremy

      I really disagree with one thing you wrote here, Noquay: “3 months should be the honeymoon stage….as there isn’t much of any intense feeling from the start, what’s going to be left after a few years.” This isn’t how it works. It’s backwards. A brief story:

      One of my biggest problems with the orthodox Judaism of my past is the way it marches backward into the future. The belief that our glory days are behind us, that the sages of old were the ones who knew the most and that we wander farther away from wisdom as we progress to the future. This is nonsense. The way forward isn’t to recapture the past, it’s to realize that while the past may provide a foundation, the future provides the opportunity to improve it, to find new things, better things. A high school student of today knows more of the world than Maimonides did 500 years ago, genius though he was in his day. To say that his word is gospel is to walk backwards into the future.

      Your post reminded me of this, Noquay. Our feelings in a mature relationship are not just vestiges of the honeymoon period, embers remaining from the past’s glorious conflagration. We build intensity into the future. Build meaning into the future. Build love into the future. The notion that relationships begin with intensity and then “settle” into routine leads to misery, divorce – because it’s backward! You begin with the good. The solid. The foundation. And walk forward into the future, facing FORWARD.

      1. 8.1.1
        Clare

        Jeremy,

        I’m not sure I would have put it as eloquently as you, but I agree that relationships get exponentially better as time goes on… or the ones with a solid foundation do.

      2. 8.1.2
        Noquay

        Jeremy
        A good rship should go from intense attraction and mature into something solid . The LW seems to start out being “meh” and already nitpicking, overthinking which seems to mean this rship has nowhere to go but downhill. The other party doesn’t deserve that.

        1. Jeremy

          The initial attraction must be present, there I agree with you, but it need not be intense. Intensity blinds us to incompatibility more often than not IME. Frankly, the most publicly lovey-dovey couples are most often the soonest to split IME, as they too often crave intensity.

          The op is indeed nit picking, the modules of her brain disagree. Question is, which modules (if any) are the dysfunctional ones?

        2. Cathalei

          But she says she’s sexually attracted to him. What I understood was, her past traumas are causing her to have second thoughts about whether this is real.

  9. 9
    Mrs Happy

    If I were a betting person I’d bet half my savings account that Grace will be broken up with boyfriend by the time she writes back to us. She clearly isn’t falling in love, and without that, what’s the point?

    1. 9.1
      Marika

      Is it clear, though? My understanding of Evan’s response is that this is what falling in love feels like when there’s no crazy drama.

      Of course it’s open to interpretation, but this is probably what he hears from women on the phone all day everyday, who end up in functional relationships.

      1. 9.1.1
        Mrs Happy

        Reasonable point Marika, Evan has more experience with this.

        I suppose we all have different experiences of falling in love. I’ve done so about a dozen times, and it was never

        “He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes even though I didn’t really like like him yet”, or

        “At the start I would nitpick every little thing about him”, or

        “when it comes down to having sex I always get nervous and insecure and overthink everything”, or

        “I get random thoughts of oh do I really like him and trying to convince myself I don’t”, or

        “I just feel so distant from him and my mind tries to tell me I don’t like him and I should break up with him”.

        I mean, it’s hard to comprehend her state through her anxiety, but this is not how I’ve ever felt or thought 3 months in, whenever I’ve been falling in love. Three months in was always rose-coloured glasses, miss him when he’s not around, can’t wait to connect, talk with him, kiss him, so glad he wants me to be his girlfriend, I feel great, time for me.

        If I felt like she does, I’d not continue dating the person, but that’s just me, you know, very happy to be alone with my chocolate and books until someone more satisfactory comes along, rather than have such discomfort and uncertainty. Feeling distant from him and not enjoying the sex at 3 months – what is the point of staying? Pass me the latest Tom Wood assassin novel instead and I’ll crush on Victor.

        1. Marika

          Yes, but I think you’re likely more avoidant than anxious. I think the LW is the opposite.

        2. Clare

          Mrs Happy,

          I agree with you to a point, but if you haven’t experienced the kind of trauma in your life which produces anxiety, which makes you scared when you enter a new relationship, *especially* a good one, then a state of mind similar to what Grace is describing will indeed seem foreign to you and indicative that something is wrong.

          Of course, we don’t know for a fact that Grace’s anxieties are brought on by her own past issues.

          But I have unfortunately seen a mentality like yours far too many times – it’s kind of black and white in its view. No disrespect to you, but as I said, if you have never experienced the early relationship anxiety which can be produced in some people, and which is fully capable of sabotaging something very good if left unchecked, then this dilemma is something which you will find difficult to comprehend.

          I am not exactly anxious by nature – like you, I love my own company and a good book and a glass of wine by myself is sheer perfection for most of my downtime. My life flows along in a very easygoing, calm way most of the time. However, I had a lot of trauma growing up, and when I get into a relationship where someone seems to really like me and I seem to really like them, fears flood into me unbidden. I’ve spent a good deal of time ensuring that they do not have too much control over me, and also learning to separate the person that I’m with from the fears that I am experiencing.

          Someone who has not experienced this will probably tell me that this relationship is too much hassle. But I know better; I know that it’s something I need to work through and if I give into it every time, I will never have a relationship at all.

          It’s a bit of an art form to separate anxiety which is inherent to the person and anxiety which is caused by the relationship. I suppose people like Evan, who have experience, can do this more easily. But I think you make a big mistake if you use anxiety as an excuse to run away from every relationship. Some relationships need to challenge us.

          I’m reluctant to add to an already long post, but it has been through my significant romantic relationships that I have worked through much of my anxiety. A therapist that I saw once upon a time told me that this was part of their purpose – to help us heal.

        3. Jeremy

          Ok, M, you’ve had a hard week so here we go :

          Why should you never date a tennis player?
          -Because love means nothing to them.

          OK, too moody, time for more light-heartedness:

          How do you think the unthinkable?
          -Mike Tyson: “With an itheberg!”

        4. Selena

          @Mrs. Happy

          Seeing the points the OP made in her letter laid out makes me wonder if she actually wants this man as a boyfriend, or just wants a boyfriend. Bird in the had is better than nothing?

          @Noquay “Wondering if her subconscious is picking up on something her conscious mind is not yet aware of. From personal experience, this is likely a conflict in values, future goals, lifestyle.”

          I’m wondering that as well.

          @Clare: “Of course, we don’t know for a fact that Grace’s anxieties are brought on by her own past issues.”

          That would be helpful to know. Has she experienced these same anxieties in every dating situation? Is she possibly reacting to previous negative romantic relationships? Does she experience disproportionate anxiety in other situations? Has she ever sought medical advice for anxiety?

        5. Marika

          Clare

          “Someone who has not experienced this will probably tell me that this relationship is too much hassle”.

          This is the heart of the frustration for me. If we don’t care about the whys, try to understand the other person’s motivations, try to problem solve…we what? Constantly pump and dump? Only be with someone where there is no friction ever? Leave as soon as the going gets tough? Or just shut down and do our own thing.

          ‘Having options’ and wanting to constantly exercise them are two very different things. Do I want to keep starting afresh, or do I want to at least try to: a. make this work and b. figure out if the problem is the other person, this relationship, relationships in general or…*me*.

          Lack of at least a tiny bit of either anxiety or a lot of self-awareness makes b. unlikely to get considered (it’s rarely mentioned in the comments as a consideration), or if it is recognized it’s quickly disregarded. My guess is people who don’t care that much about the whys or spend much time focusing on their own motivations, have partners who do.

          Jeremy

          Those jokes are gold!!!

        6. Clare

          Marika,

          “This is the heart of the frustration for me. If we don’t care about the whys, try to understand the other person’s motivations, try to problem solve…we what?

          “Lack of at least a tiny bit of either anxiety or a lot of self-awareness makes b. unlikely to get considered (it’s rarely mentioned in the comments as a consideration), or if it is recognized it’s quickly disregarded.”

          In this, I am absolutely with you. It is astonishing to me how few people really know themselves. I can’t figure out whether it’s lack of a desire to do so, or simply that they’ve never been taught any processes of self-inquiry. Most people seem to lurch from one failure to another with knee-jerk responses which are, quite frankly, maddening.

          I think part of it is that, when they seek guidance from family and friends, who similarly lack inquiry and self-awareness, they are validated and affirmed, or else no analysis is done. So in the past, people would be told to “stay together, because that’s just what men/women are like,” nowadays people are told “you can’t put up with that. Time to move on!” Both of which are singularly unhelpful.

          I comment regularly on another relationship forum (human beings in general and relationships in particular absolutely fascinate me) where a lot of advice is dispensed, and it is astonishing to me how little nuance, subtlety, and complexity is present in a lot of the advice. If you do offer a nuanced perspective, you are laughed off the board or your viewpoint is conflated with a simplistic, generic answer that people don’t agree with, and they attack you. Through having this experience numerous times, and from being misunderstood repeatedly in real life, I have come to see that human beings are very complex in their feelings and motivations for doing things, but very simplistic in their understanding of themselves and others. (I’m talking generally of course; there are certainly people who have varying degrees of insight.)

          It’s absolutely true what you say – it is extremely valuable to evaluate why a relationship didn’t work out (whether it was you, the other person, circumstances, etc. or a combination of things) so that you can take this information forward with you and make improvements as needed. Sometimes based on your analysis, it is worth having another shot at the relationship, and most times we can learn something about ourselves to improve. I perform this analysis with all my relationships, and I just find it gives me many more choices and makes me feel much more empowered. I think you do this as well, Marika.

          Just don’t expect other people to approach relationships in the same way. I don’t think it’s so much that many of them see relationships as disposable or interchangeable so much as they lack insight into why things happen, so it seems easier to just move on until you find something that seems to stick. But they probably will not know why it sticks – that is up to the likes of us.

          You are lucky if you find a partner with a modicum of self-awareness. And I would say if you are a self-aware person, you definitely want this. My boyfriend is quite self-aware (though it usually takes him longer to come to his conclusions) and it makes for a richer, more considerate relationship. To be honest, I think being in a relationship with someone who has little to no self-awareness, or at least the desire for some insight, is very stressful indeed.

  10. 10
    Marika

    Clare

    All absolutely true. But as a die-hard idealist, this is where I get stuck (you, lucky duck, don’t):

    “Just don’t expect other people to approach relationships in the same way…. so it seems easier to just move on until you find something that seems to stick”.

    Very hard for me *not* to expect that!!

    Don’t get me wrong, they don’t have to have the world’s highest emotional intelligence or be crazily self-aware. I’m okay with some cluelessness, and it can even be quite adorable. But it’s the contradictions I find bizarre and very hard to reconcile. Some wavering of what they want is normal, but saying or doing things that completely contradict what they said or did yesterday….feels like we’re living in some alternate reality. I don’t get that at all. Like your example of the ‘I don’t love you/I love you more than anyone’. That stuff does my head in.

    I guess some people can lead from a place of doing whatever they feel like, then finding a way to justify it later by pretending they didn’t do x or say y, or really meant z? Not sure.

    In the early stages when it’s just funny and not hurtful, I’ve actually started to take things as being the opposite of what a person says, if they insist too much. Last night I was out dancing and a guy spoke to me for a bit, and then later, one of my friends. He told me almost immediately out of the blue he was ‘easygoing’, and ‘didn’t judge’. The conversation was becoming tedious so I said I wanted to dance and did he want to come? He said “No!” And “fine go and dance with your *friends*”. He later told my friend he didn’t like it when women danced too sexily on the dance floor. So it took 20 mins to blow easygoing and non judgemental out of the water!

    1. 10.1
      Clare

      Oh God yes, Marika.

      “He told me almost immediately out of the blue he was ‘easygoing’, and ‘didn’t judge’. The conversation was becoming tedious so I said I wanted to dance and did he want to come? He said “No!” And “fine go and dance with your *friends*”. ”

      This is hilarious. This guy sounds rather insecure. I don’t want to generalise, but it has been my experience see this kind of insecurity (or any similar emotion or flaw like fear or aggression, etc.) as weakness, or they think you would not like them if you knew the real them, so they immediately put on a front to try and disguise it: “Who me? No, I never judge, I’m as cool as they come!” or “Of course I’m over my ex, have been for ages, definitely ready for a relationship!”

      So you’re probably right to take whatever they say and assume the opposite. There is something in that saying “Me thinks thou dost protest too much.” Of course, the facade only lasts for so long.

      “Some wavering of what they want is normal, but saying or doing things that completely contradict what they said or did yesterday….feels like we’re living in some alternate reality. I don’t get that at all. Like your example of the ‘I don’t love you/I love you more than anyone’. That stuff does my head in.”

      Yup, it did my head in for a long time too. Literally made me want to melt in a puddle of tears and frustration. You feel that if you can’t trust what people say, then you can’t trust people at all, and where does that leave us? The thought depressed me for a long time.

      I use the past tense because I have somewhat got over that. I’m not saying I understand people perfectly now – very far from it – but I have learned to pay a lot more attention to what I call “the subtext” of what people are saying, and all the things that they are saying not with their words. There’s an old pop-psychology fact that 90% of communication is non-verbal, so I try to take people’s words as more of a guideline than hard truth. Words are so easy to say – they could have a lot of thought behind them, or none at all, as you so rightly observed.

      Sometimes people are saying something entirely different from the words that are coming out of their mouths.

    2. 10.2
      Noquay

      Marika
      I sooo get it, my motto is “say what you mean, mean what you say; actions, words, feelings, 100% in line”.

  11. 11
    Clare

    Sorry,

    * but it has been my experience that men see this kind of insecurity

  12. 12
    Mike

    Well, to be blunt, I think this young woman needs therapy. Or maybe more to the point, I do not envy her boyfriend. It seems that her emotions are what is really driving her behavior and she doesn’t even know what they will do or why they will do it. She doesn’t seem to be taking accountability for her expectations, decisions, and actions.

  13. 13
    Mike

    Hi Marika,

    I just saw your posts. Anyway RE that guy’s “no chemistry” line, I do agree that he handled it badly. I wonder if he was scared by the idea of a real relationship. It is hard for someone to feel “chemistry” towards anything if that person is backing away out of fear.

    I understand if this sounded like a bunch of psycho mumbo-jumbo, but there are a lot of people in the dating realm who like the idea of something better than they like the very thing itself. Meeting someone, connecting with someone, sex happening for the first time, second time, third time…all exciting things. The next stage where you are wondering if you can build a future together–is scarier for a lot of people. It is all too easy to get too comfortable with being single, and giving that up can be scary to many people!

    So to sum up, I don’t think this has anything to do with anything on your end, more about what may have been happening on his end.

    1. 13.1
      Marika

      Thanks so much for your kind words, Mike.

      Look, I’m not the type of person to think every guy has to be enamoured with my extreme beauty and desperately want me. If he wasn’t feeling it after a few weeks or months, okay, it happens. It was the ‘I love you’, I want to spend all weekend with you, I want to contact you daily, the ‘sex was f’en amazing’…but there’s no chemistry…?? that felt like a complete head trip.

      I’m likely more sensitive than the average bear, but I think to talk about a lack of chemistry after sex, and certainly after all the things he said/did, is not a good way to explain yourself. ‘I’m not ready’ or whatever is much better. Take some responsibility!!

      And in this case I think you may be right. I’m open to it being something to do with me, but he did say all his friends (I met them many times and just *loved* them) all said it was him, what was his problem, and that I ‘had it all’. Which was nice. I have to say the way he handled it definitely made me feel bad though.

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