How To Tell If A Guy’s Falling In Love With You

Hey Evan,

I met a really nice guy. We are going out for a month now. And as all women do, I’m falling in love. But how do I know if he is feeling the same way about me without having to ask him directly?

Antonella from Holland

Dear Antonella,

I wrote about this in a chapter of Why You’re Still Single called:”Diminishing Returns.”

In it, a woman wonders why a man would invest time, energy and money in somebody he might not even care about.

(There was originally a great joke about oral sex here that was later removed by editors, but the point remains the same.)

A guy can want to fall in love, tell you you’re beautiful, treat you like a queen, and ravish you in the bedroom, and it still doesn’t give any indication that he’s actually interested.

So how will you know that he’s interested in you?

He’ll call you as soon as possible to make plans to see you again. That’s it.

Any other excuse, as pointed out ad nauseum in He’s Just Not That Into You, is meaningless.

You’re not wrong, Antonella, for wanting to find some clarity in your relationship. It’s normal that, over the course of a month, your feelings would start to deepen and develop. But one month is still a short period of time and unless you’re quite positive that he’s on the same love track as you are, I would lean back and play it cool.

You shouldn’t have to ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you.

Instead of forcing him to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation before he’s figured out his feelings, why don’t you just wait to see him reveal his feelings? Believe me, if he’s calling you every day and wants to see you four nights a week, you can be pretty sure that he’s serious about you. On the other hand, if you see him once a week and he only communicates with you by text message, I wouldn’t get too excited about him.

And when you reach the point where you simply can’t live without the knowledge that you’re in a committed relationship, most likely, in a month or two, that’s when it’s time to have a real conversation with him.

But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to have ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you. And if he’s not making an effort, you don’t have to look very far for your answer.

Update: This is such a popular topic, I created a special video that dives into this topic further! Click here to learn how to tell if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

Your friend,


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  1. 91

    My last boyfriend and I were together 4 months, showed every sign of being in love with me, I knew I was in love with him. We spent every day together, had great chemistry, I just thought he was afraid to say it. Then he just decided to moved to another country. I then asked him if he loved me and he said no. He said he didn’t want to develop any feelings like that because he didn’t know if he would be living here for long. I’m sorry, but men can make it seem like its all rainbows and sunshine, but until you actually use the words and talk about where things are heading, it’s just a dangerous blind game destined to break your heart. Men make it very difficult to trust when they are just so nonchalant these days.

  2. 92

    The key to understanding anybody’s intentions — male or female — is by observing how consistent that person’s actions are to his/her words.

    I dated a guy for two months. We met initially once a week and then eventually twice a week. He told me that he was shy and introverted, so he didn’t like to talk on the phone. He also expressed that he is a bad planner. This reflected in his actions — we hardly spoke on the phone and our meetings were nearly always initiated by me. After the 1st month of this, I told him that I needed him to plan ahead with me on occasion. I also was clear that I would want to eventually consider moving to exclusivity after 2 months. He said he understood, but never followed through on planning. Every time we met, he told me sweet things like he adored me, he was falling for me, he felt we were getting closer, etc. But he didn’t seem consistent with his actions. So, I asked him after two months about being exclusive, and he admitted he didn’t think we were right for each other. Remember: if I hadn’t brought it up, he would have been happy to continue dating like we had been because it requires nearly NO effort.
    So, NEVER let your desire to believe what sweet things you are being told outweigh what you’re actually getting. And, until you’re exclusive, date others. I had been doing that the whole time, and, after two days of feeling sad about this not working out, did not feel like a chump for wasting time. I’m back into investing my now free time to someone else who will be consistent and sending reliable indicators that he is willing to put in effort for me. We all deserve that.

  3. 93

    I’ve been with this guy no for 1yr now our chemistry was over the top we didn’t hit off  like sleeping together it was like after a mth our kids get alone ( it’s my sister husband brother) so its like I’ve been knowing within the first 2mths he told me he loves me it took my by surprise I couldn’t believe it but I realize he never had no one to be real with him but he told me he didn’t want a relationship I started catching those love feelings after awhile we have our Lil moments with disagreement s..he also was in this crazy idk it started off to be a relationship until the girl started stalking him he cut it off but that was b4 me so we fall out over something I cut him off after hr blow up over some foolishness that wasn’t on my end so I said ok stop answering calls n messages it took him 2mths to get through I’m not the one to play games he realized that a just recently told me he think GOD for me because of the type of woman I’m I’m honest n loyal he never had that but I feel sometimes he’s confuse bcuz of his past relationships one with his ex wife from cheating on him he’s a down to earth man but he likes to be confidential about things I tell him we can talk but I’ll never push nor force him to do anything n he see’s that I understand a lot of things going on

  4. 94

    This is a great topic. Just want to put in my 2 cents here. I’ve been dating someone for almost 8weeks now; we’re a little “older”–I’m in my late 40’s and he’s in his mid 50’s.  Both of us never married but have had our share of LTR’s in the past. We see each other once, sometimes twice, a week. He calls and texts me maybe 3x/week. My philosophy since I started dating him was that I just want to enjoy the present and appreciate our time together. I know I’m developing deeper feelings for him as time goes by; I’m not quite sure of his feelings towards me but he continues to ask me out, continues to call me, so…I’m concluding that he does like me and is interested. Since it’s only been a couple months I’m still in the “observation” mode and will continue to have fun and enjoy each other’s company w/out worrying about where this is going. Ask me in another couple months though and I will probably want to have a clearer picture of our relationship.

  5. 95

    Actions speak louder than words! You know he’s into you when he gives you the gift of time! My boyfriend works two jobs and always calls me, spends his days off with me and his days in too. When he works two jobs ( and me too), all we have time for is to sleep next to each other for 7 hours, just to turn around and go to work again. On our days off, we Netflix all day over Chinese take out and/or go for a hike/walk ( depending on the weather).

  6. 96

    Wrong, I disagree. Maybe my situation is the exception to this, but I disagree.  Listen to his words and ignore his actions.  I’ve been with a guy for almost a year and a half who texts and calls each time to see me again. The difference? His words, in his own words, we are not a couple and will never be. He simply likes my companionship and is not in love with me.

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