Should I Be With the Man I Want and Settle For a Life I Don’t?
- Being Selective, Dating
Hey Evan, I am a grad student in my early 20’s. I have a job I love and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for over a year. He is truly a great man and is all I have ever wanted. We have a great connection, awesome chemistry, and share the same values. I am happier in this relationship than I ever have been. That being said I have a dilemma.
He is in the military and while he has never had to leave me for an extended period of time, inevitably, he will have to one day (anywhere from 3 months to one year). We have recently been discussing our future together and I have been reflecting and am beginning to worry. I have always imagined getting married one day and having children, which I could see myself doing with him, but never have I imagined having my significant other leave me for extended periods of time. The thought of being married and not having my spouse available to me to vent about my day, or have dinner with or share responsibilities with frustrates me. The life I see with him makes me question if that is the kind of life I want for myself.
While we are presently happy and content, I foresee problems arising from this issue, and thus being troublesome in our future. So my question to you Evan: Should I continue this relationship knowing our future together and having to be apart for extended periods of time will emotionally drain me and cause problems, Or should I break it off with the man of my dreams and be selfish and pursue someone who will be available 24/7 when it comes to marriage and children? I feel as if my only options are: Be with the man I want and settle for a life I don’t, or settle for someone else but have the life I want. I appreciate your time Evan! Look forward to your response! —Stella
Dear Stella,
I was on the phone yesterday with a client who was lamenting her available choices on Match.com. Common story. I won’t bore you with it.
My client, an attractive, successful, likeable woman in her early 40’s, actually had good reason to lament. After all, in the past, she had gone out with senators and C-level executives from Fortune 500 companies. She is quality and she attracts quality.
You don’t get good qualities without getting the bad qualities that come with it.
But I was still left with a question for her: “What happened to the senator and the executives?” What I got back was some version of “Too busy, travels a lot, has no time for me, unable to commit, couldn’t give me what I needed.”
Got it.
And yet it never even occurred to her that in trying to find an equally impressive man, she would get the EXACT SAME RELATIONSHIP all over again.
I talk about this extensively in “Why He Disappeared”; you don’t get good qualities without getting the bad qualities that come with it.
And if a guy is a rock star, basketball player, CEO, actor, or some other high paid, high status, high charisma man, he will usually be a little more selfish, narcissistic, commitmentphobic, and emotionally and physically unavailable.
Look around. I’m not telling you anything that you don’t know, or anything that reading the New York Times and US Weekly couldn’t already reveal.
I know I’ve hijacked your question to make a broader point to a broader audience, but it bears great relevance to your situation.
Because it doesn’t matter if you’re dating the PERFECT man — a guy who is so whipped on you that he makes you French Toast every morning and goes down on you every night. If you only get to see him for three months out of the year, you will not have the kind of relationship that you crave.
This is a one-way ticket to Unhappyland.
But that’s the bargain that many women make — and later regret. It’s no coincidence that we read about the high divorce rate in Hollywood. I mean, really, was anyone shocked that Eva Longoria — who is on set at Desperate Housewives for eight months a year, divorced Tony Parker, a French basketball player who is ten years younger and travels from city to city eight months a year? Too much distance, too much temptation, too much narcissism, too little time together to keep the flame alive. Hell, I just saw “The Messenger” with Woody Harrelson, which depicts a soldier whose girlfriend fell in love with another man while he was on active duty in Iraq. Yes, it may be a movie, but it’s reflective of a greater reality.
Couples who don’t spend time together find that it’s hard to stay together. Hard to talk on the phone every night. Hard not to wish you had a conventional marriage. Hard not to think the grass may be greener in the backyard next door.
To bring it back to the question that any woman reading this might have… are you better off with this amazing man in a perpetually dissatisfying relationship, or are you better off with perhaps a “lesser” man in a far superior relationship.
Couples who don’t spend time together find that it’s hard to stay together.
One can do one’s own calculus, but I always use my fancy public policy degree to make decision trees for my clients who are in this predicament.
Simply put: calculate the value of the man, multiply it by the value of the relationship itself, and voila — you’ve got your answer.
A man who is a “10”…in a relationship that’s a “3”… nets you a 30.
A man who is a “7”… in a relationship that’s a “10”…nets you a 70.
Sounds to me like you’d be appreciably happier with a man who is also cute, kind, fun, and stable…but is around all the time to be a great husband and father.
You’re not wrong if you choose to go with your current guy.
Just don’t be surprised if one or both of you has trouble sustaining a relationship that is strained by the distance between you.
Daisy says
Great post Evan! Anyway this might be the first time I’ve ever commented but your articles and blog posts have increased my love&relationship knowledge. I’ve become a much better girlfriend now and I am able to appreciate my man even more.
Regarding your calculus thingy, I am grateful to be with a man whom I’d give a 9, and I am so blessed to be in a relationship that I’d score a 9. So I’ve scored 81! Woohoo!
DatingMilitary says
Read You Know When the Men Are Gone” by Siobhan Fallon. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/11/books/11book.html
Beautifully written, and it provides a illuminating portrait of what life is like for both soldiers and their families.
Angela says
I respectfully disagree. I was raised by parents who faced this very dilemma during my childhood. My dad was in the Army for 21 years and retired from active duty in 1981. My parents celebrated their 52nd anniversary in December. In the beginning of his military career, there were times when he had to be away from the family, but as he gained rank, we (the family) were able to accompany him to all of his duty stations. My experience was decidedly different from my mother’s, I will readily admit, but for me, the evidence that it is possible to “have it all” is clear. Marriage takes sacrifice at times, but LOVE is worth it. I wish I could have a relationship like my parents have….It IS possible.
Nia says
Hmmm…. interesting…. when I read the question, Evan, I thought you would say that she should stay with the guy, as to expect someone who is perfect in *every* way (including being around 24/7) would be too much to ask for, and is the reason that you end up coaching lots of women in thier late 30’s/early 40’s (because they held out for ‘perfect’ too long)… so now I’m curious and thinking I’ve missed a meeting .
starthrower68 says
We live in a much different day and age than the Greatest Generation did. Duty had a much less different and negative connotation than it does in this day and age. I’m not saying that our poster is wrong to want what she wants, but I’m not entirely convinced that her BF is the sort that the congressmen and execs might be in the example. While this obviously not true in all cases, serving one’s country as a soldier often means a desire to serve something greater than one’s self and while many military relationships fail, as Angela pointed out, many are often successful. If the poster truly does not want this in her life – because military families sacrifice and God bless them for it – then she needs to let her guy go so he can find the woman who is willing to keep the home fires burning. It’s a tough decision. I’m not criticizing her for wanting and needing more, but she may have a difficult time finding a good guy who wows her like this one. She’s got quite a dilemma on her hands. I could say she should “do it for her country” but I don’t think she would appreciate my sense of humor.
Evan, you have a degree in Public Policy?? I’m working on a Master’s in Public Administration. That’s cool!!!
Nicole says
#3, I think you are missing the point. Evan didn’t say that it was impossible for a military wife or husband to have a happy life with a spouse who is frequently away.
But this letter writer already feels as if having a frequently absent spouse is not something she could deal with for a lifetime. It’s really good that she gets that before she gets married. We’re not talking about someone letting go of the dream of being married to a 6’2 man. Or a doctor. This is about how much you need to be around your spouse (and that varies for everyone).
I have a friend who is a happily married military wife (mother of two AND an M.D.) who has spent most of her now 10 year marriage living apart from her husband. But she grew up as a military brat and understood the lifestyle and found it to be a reasonable one. She adores her husband and misses him like mad when he’s gone but she’s okay with it. And she started out knowing it and being okay with it.
I know another couple where both are military, both are quite happy, but have taken turns with numerous deployments and three kids (for example, the husband had a newborn and a toddler by himself for a year while the wife was in Iraq). In their case they also know that their life means frequent and long separations and they are also fine with it.
But I have another friend (now ex-military) and his first marriage ended b/c during his absences and deployments, his wife cheated. And perhaps it happened b/c in the end, being alone so much didn’t work for her. So now he’s remarried but also out of the military, and for example, when he came to the grad school program where I met him, he made a point of only considering places where his then fiancee could finish her PhD work. I think he decided that he wasn’t going to try long distance/absences the second time around.
There are plenty of careers that require a person to either work long hours, odd hours, travel frequently, or sometimes just be abroad often. Some people can manage and others cannot. And it’s better for those people to probably cut their losses before they get married and realize that they cannot do it.
nathan says
“Be with the man I want and settle for a life I don’t, or settle for someone else but have the life I want.”
This is a false dichotomy. You think there are only two possible outcomes, but life is often much more complex than that. Have you talked with your boyfriend about his long term aspirations in the military? Is he planning on making it a career, and if so, what is he hoping to work towards? Not everyone stays in the military for decades, but you seem to be basing your assumptions on the idea that he’s going to.
In addition, if it is the case that he’s sticking with the military, why do you think that your only future option would be to “settle” for some other guy? Do you really think we only have one person in the world, one chance at love? That’s fairy tale stuff, and really is an easy way to feel miserable about the rest of your life if things don’t work out with the current boyfriend.
Stacy says
I think Evan’s decision tree has one serious flaw: it is static and doesnt allow to play with different scenarios as they develop over time. Here’s a stock market analyst’s view: a military guy can retire from the military or gain rank and take an administrative position, etc., and not have to travel all the time, which would propel his value back to 100. While the “average” guy may lose his job and have to move to a different city for a new position while she’s unable to join – which would drop his value to like 20. So, if she stays with her current guy her risk is to the upside, if she goes with a lower wuality guy her risk is to the downside. Ergo, it is obvious she has to stay with the current guy. For those enthusiasts ot there, this calculation has to be probability-weighted to make more sense.
Personally, I would rather wait 3 months a year for a guy who I am in love with and who’s a “10”, than spend 100% of my time with a guy who’s a “7”. Man, that’s just depressing.
Silly Girl says
I suggest she take a longer term look at this. Since she is in her mid 20’s, his choice of a military career is (hopefully!) only a portion of their married life. There will be times in his military career when he is not deployed, and then there is the entire second career opportunity when he retires. And don’t forget the life together after final and full retirement!
Let me paraphrase one of my favorite books “Good to Great”. Although it is a business book, there is one tenet that is very applicable here. Consider “First who, then what”. The “what” of your married life is unpredictable despite the best of plans, but the right “who” will make the “what” worthwhile.
A-L says
A couple of points:
1) How long does the boyfriend intend to stay in the military? Does he know about his girlfriend’s feelings on the issue? My husband had been in the military but his then-serious-girlfriend knew she didn’t want that lifestyle, so he ended up leaving the military for her. Stella’s boyfriend might be willing to do the same, or does not intend to stay in the military long-term anyway.
2) How would she feel about moving a lot? Many military families can remain together, but are forced to move around a great deal. Is this an option that she would consider? She’d get her 10 man all of the time, but she’d have to physically uproot often in order to get it.
But if being a military wife is not in the cards for Stella, it’s also possible that she could find another great guy who would be home more, as Nathan (#7) wrote.
Karl R says
Nia said: (#4)
“I thought you would say that she should stay with the guy, as to expect someone who is perfect in *every* way (including being around 24/7) would be too much to ask for,”
Have you ever had a job that you hated, or have you ever been in a long-term situation that made you miserable? Not only does it suck the joy out of your life, but it also puts a strain on your relationships.
DatingMilitary (#2) makes a valid point. Stella should educate herself about what being married to a military man is really like. But after educating herself, she may still feel that it’s not a life that she’d be happy with.
Having a life that makes you miserable is worse than dealing with the normal imperfections that one finds in a partner.
Selena says
Do you have to make a decision right now? Why not keep going as you have been and see how you actually feel about things when does have to go away for an extended period.
You may find it’s too hard on you, or you may find you deal with it just fine. I think your willingness to relinquish a good relationship for a future you think might be disagreeable for you says something. Maybe you aren’t ready for a permanent commitment. Or maybe you aren’t as into this man as you say.
BeenThruTheWars says
@A-L, #10 — exactly my question. Is the man career military? Also, would he be deployed in a combat position, or a less-dangerous type of assignment? I’ve always known I couldn’t be married to a cop, because I’m a worrier. It would’ve been good to have some additional details. Perhaps the poster doesn’t have them, and she’s worrying about something that will never come to pass (say if the boyfriend intends to leave the military or put in for a Stateside assignment were they to get married). Sounds like they haven’t sat down together and had any serious discussions yet.
Playing devil’s advocate — what happens in an established marriage when one partner or another gets a career opportunity that necessitates more travel, or living part-time in another city for a time? Do we dump a great spouse because of the (relatively) short-term inconvenience? I suppose some selfish people would, but I sure wouldn’t. Life is long, and ideally so is a marriage. We don’t get to know what’s in store for us, and a lot of marriage is compromise and acceptance — learning to make lemonade out of lemons. If a person can’t accept that, and needs to have a certain situation in place always in order to be happy, they’re better off not marrying anyone.
Ms Maz says
Wow, did this post come at the right time for me! I’m sort of having the same issue myself, except that my fiance is a touring musician who is gone for months at a time, and works with a band that is 700 miles away from our hometown, on top of that. So, basically, any time they have a show or go on tour or need to record or make an appearance, he’s gotta leave for x amount of weeks or months.
I’ve always said that I’m not someone who can handle long distance relationships, but this time, I was willing to try it and be supportive of his dream. It’s less than ideal, but so far, it’s been okay. It’s not nearly as terrible as I thought it would be, as he is making his best attempts to stay in contact with me. I have to admit, though, when he’s been gone for months at a time and it can wear on you — especially when it seems like everyone you know is coupled up and having summer fun, I’m the lonely solo gal spending summer alone (I know, it sounds petty and needy, but I swear, I’m not). It’s kind of disappointing, but the times he is home, I feel like we are much stronger as a couple and value each other more because it is a precious time together.
If nothing else, maybe give it a shot and if it doesn’t work, than so be it, but at least you’ll have tried. I really didn’t think I could handle it and almost called it quits before even seeing how it would be. I never, ever believed myself the type of girl capable of handling this kind of relationship (believe me, it takes some getting used to and I still struggle sometimes), but if things are as good as they seem based on the LW’s post, it may turn out fine. You never can tell unless you try.
Despite the ups and downs and the occasional bouts of disappointment/wishing-you-were-here, I think our relationship has gotten much stronger. It gives you an opportunity to learn more about yourself and to do all of the things you want to do that you may not be able to do, otherwise, while still maintaining that very special bond with another person.
Ultimately, it is the LW’s decision. It’s definitely not an easy road, and if it doesn’t make you happy, than you shouldn’t choose that path.
Diana says
I am wondering whether he was in the military when they first met. If yes, then I’d imagine that he shared with her his future career responsibilities fairly early on. Even if he did though, I know that she may not have been in the same place as she is right now, considering possible marriage and children; thus, her just now starting to ponder his lifestyle and possible deployments, and its affect on her and them is understandable, if not a bit short-sighted.
I think she already knows her answer, but naturally, her feelings for him are causing her to struggle. Her thought about whether she should settle for someone else, in order to have the life she wants is naive. How many of us have had this kind of mindset, and not even felt we were settling, only to have life show us otherwise? 😉 Settling will not necessarily give her the life she wants. Stacy’s (#8) message is really good because she points out, through her example, the realities of life that often happen. I find this idea of absolute percentages a bit ridiculous, and it cannot be applied in black and white fashion because it’s all variable.
The writer seems more concerned with herself than with them, and every person deserves a partner who will accept them for who they are and support them every step of the way. A man loves knowing his wife has his back. It’s you and me against the world. If she feels that she cannot do this, then he’s not the right one for her, nor she for him.
I was married for about 1.5 years when my former husband decided that he wanted to join the military. I fully supported his choice, even though I knew just how devastatingly hard it would be for us emotionally with separations that lasted for months. We were inseparable. Waiting for weeks to get that first letter home was so difficult. I know how it feels to sacrifice on behalf of a spouse who’s in the military, and thankfully, he never faced war. The good byes can be brutal, and you do have to be strong and able to take care of yourself on numerous levels. I think that today’s technology helps soothe the separations, at least a teeny bit because of the many ways to reach out to each other.
If the relationship is strong and both partners are committed to the greater good, then it can work.
Evan Marc Katz says
Hey, Diana, why is your military man your “former husband”? Anything to do with his career? Or just a coincidence?
Diana says
Hey Evan ~ actually, the two are not connected. We went on to be married for close to another 20 years before he became a “former.” And he didn’t retire from the military. No ~ the answer to the question of why we’re now “formers” is like night and day from way back then, when despite our military separations, we were like white on rice with each other, as they say. 🙂
Miranda says
I agree with Evan, I think it is a ticket to unhappy land if you need that everyday kind of attention. I am the same way, there is no way I could have married a man in the military because I get lonely…and that would lead to a possibility of me not keeping my vows and remaining faithful after sometime if my husband is gone all the time so thats something I wouldn’t dare put my self into. I don’t think it is selfish of you to want someone who is there, because both people in a relationship should be equally happy, and satisfied. there are some factors to consider like how long he will be active for, and the dreaded worst case scenarios….in my opinion it’s hard to be in that kind of relationship whole heartedly for anyone. I do believe that if you continued dating you would find someone just as good for you or better, but you never know unless you try. If you settle for a life you are not happy with, (especially all to go through 60% of the time alone) you will eventually be unhappy with the man you chose to settle with. You are young and still have a lot of time to meet new people. I dont think you should limit yourself just yet with these kind of doubts, keep your options open.
helene says
People sometimes ask: “should you follow your heart or your head?”The best advice I ever heard was : “Listen to your heart to find out what you really want, then use your head to work out the best way to achieve it.”. It seems to me this girl is in love with her military man – that’s where her heart lies right now. Now she has to use her head to work out the details – how they can create a life together and spend time together . If you are with a man you love and he is away at times, you may be unhappy some of the time. If you are with a man who is around a lot but you’re not in love with him, you’ll be unhappy ALL of the time!
Finding love is a rare and precious thing. Nourish it in all the creative and wonderful ways you can think of.
Callie says
To the original letter writer: have you told him how you felt?
hunter says
Some couples can be without their partner for lengths of time, and some can’t. This lady is in her 20’s, still has all of her hormones….she may need a partner around her 24/7.
Luxe says
I would research it some more like the above suggested. Honestly, if you don’t think you can commit to the military lifestyle 100% then you shouldn’t be with him. You are young and will find yourself another really good quality guy. And he will find a good quality woman who can handle the lifestyle.
Leslie says
Has the LW asked her boyfriend what he thinks about their future? His plans on marriage? It sounds to me like she is just finding reasons to worry about the future.
Unless the LW is planning on getting married RIGHT NOW, I don’t see this as an issue to worry about. People grow and change all the time, perhaps by the time he gets deployed, that is if he gets deployed, she will be okay with the situation. Or she won’t be, and she can break up with him and find someone else.
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach says
As a dating coach for women over 40, I have to agree with Evan. If she’s already planning on being miserable, that doesn’t bode well for her long-term prospects with this guy.
To me, a man isn’t a 10 unless he meets all types of requirements. So his looks can be a 10, but he might not be loyal and fun. His career may be a 10, so he’s got cash and status, but no time to spend with you. That means these men are not really 10’s!
I tell my clients to consider the “Whole Package”. When you only focus on the parts you like about a man and rate him based on that, it’s a completely inaccurate and an unrealitic viewpoint that will cause you heartache at some point.
Just Me says
You’re totally hilarious. Thanks for making me crack UP. You’re a wise ‘guy’–Evan.
Raymond Bork says
You are in a dilemma Stella, do you follow your heart (emotions) or your head (logic).
You seem though to be a very level headed woman, and so I think you may have already made up your mind but have asked Evan for his opinion. There also happens to be plenty of other opinions to check out here in the comments section.
Your ‘gut’ feeling on this issue is the only one I feel you will follow, and it’s the right one for you.
Best wishes, what ever you decide to do.
Terri says
I am one of those women who could not be married to a man whose job or career or whatever required him to be away for long stretches of time. Some of my friends deal with this issue very well.
My father worked at night and I missed him being around while growing up – and vowed I would only marry a man whose work allowed him to spend nights with his family. Which I did!
We all need to determine what is important to us and proceed from there…..
hunter says
to the military brat, I think I know how your dad managed without your mom, while on extended military absence, ask your mom how she dealt with that. She may not want to talk about it. I know some 50 year marriages, keep dark secrets.
Joe says
To me, the LW sounds a little bit on the needy side.
If you’re not happy alone, you’re not going to be happy together.
Stella- LW says
@DatingMilitary #2- Thank you, I will look in to that.
@starthrower68 #5- He definitely does WOW me, like no other so he may be worth the sacrifice. & as an open mic night comedian I do appreciate your humor.
@nathan #7- Yes we have talked about this. He is making a career out of the military. He has been in for 10 years already and plans to serve 25 total. He is working his way up in the ranks and has been very successful thus for so I understand his reasons for staying in. & I know that there are other fish in the sea but I have done my fair share of dating and being in committed relationships & I have never had such a wonderful relationship with anyone else. I don’t believe in the “fairy tale stuff”. In terms of settling I feel that my connection with this man is rare and would be difficult to find with someone else. I may find man who is more handsome, more successful, who could provide the conventional marriage I desire but without a connection like I have with my current man, I would consider that to be settling nonetheless.
@Stacy #8- I am a business major so I appreciate your analytical breakdown. Yes, in layman’s terms I too would rather wait 3 months a year for a guy who I am in love with and who’s a “10”³, than spend 100% of my time with a guy who’s a “7 “. Thanks!
@Silly Girl- #9- Yes his military career would only be a portion of our married life but would include the starting a family and working years portion which I believe would be the most stressful & hence why I feel I’d need him then more than ever. Thanks for your words of wisdom, I’ll have to check that book out as well.
@A-L #10- He has been in for 10 years and plans to be in for 25 total so he is looking at 15 more years. He definitely intends it to be his career. He does know my feelings on the issue but he is very easy going & thinks it will all work out in the end. He wants this relationship to go in the same direction I desire it to and has been very accommodating thus far in making things works. As for moving around a lot, I am still a grad student and after my degree I plan to continue to work my way up in my current company which wouldn’t allow me to uproot. I don’t want my education, money & time to go to waste if I’m not able to do anything with my degree as a result of moving around frequently.
@BeenThruTheWars #13- Yes he is career military. He will more than likely have to go to high risk areas as he has in the past. Prior to our relationship he has left for 6-9 months at a time to high risk areas. The soonest he will have to leave again is fall of 2012, so while not for a while, it is inevitable. He can put in for stateside orders however it’s not in his control if he gets them and even then he may be called out last minute for emergencies (as he has in the past before we met). We have discussed this multiple times and have considered all factors involved. And yes, while both life and marriages are long (hopefully) my greatest concern is his absence during times when I will need his support the most (being a young professional, buying a home, having children) is when he will be gone which is my main concern.
@Diana #15- Yes he was in the military when we met. And at the time this was all of little to no concern, it was casual dating and I was not going to rule him out because of his job or obligations. As I told Evan we’ve been together over a year now and things have been going stellar, and we have been discussing our future. And while we are not planning on getting married anytime too soon I don’t think it hurts to lay everything out and have an idea of what our future could have in store for us. I am concerned with us as a whole as well as each other individually, however this letter to Evan was addressing my concern with myself and my issue so maybe that’s why it came off that I was only concerned with myself. Whether we get married and have children or we break up and go our separate ways he will always be special & I’ll always have his back. We are friends as well as lovers.
@helene #19- Good sound advice, thank you for recognizing that I am indeed in love with my military man. You advice is right up there with Stacy’s (#8), rather be with a man I love some of the time, rather than constantly with a man I don’t love.
@Callie #20- Yes I have. He is very optimistic and extremely confident in my ability to be able to handle his absences.
@Leslie #23- Yes we have discussed this together. He can see himself continuing this relationship and marrying me, as I can with him. But you are right it’s not like this will happen anytime soon, I am somewhat of a worrywart and just like to have all my ducks in a row. You are right people do grow and change, and yes hopefully I’ll be at a place where I am more confident in my abilities by the time we are faced with his deployment. Only time will tell.
@Raymond Bork #26- Thank you Raymond. With me I typically know when to let logic guide me and when to let emotion guide, this situation one of the few that the two sides are battling. My gut says “So what if he leaves! He is the greatest man in the world for you! Don’t let him go!!” I suppose my head just needs to figure out the logistics of our future. Thanks for the best wishes! They are appreciated.
I’m sorry if parts seemed unclear (discussing our future, his intentions with the military etc). I tried to just get the essential information down, my letter was already lengthy and I didn’t want to send Evan a whole novel to respond to.
Thank you so much Evan! I appreciate your time and you have really laid it all out for me and made sense of the situation. I’m also glad you could broaden my point to reach a larger audience. I know many women can relate to my situation. I did your calculation too and was surprised with my result. I am thinking the quality of my man will trump the quantity of time spent apart.
Thank you everyone else for your feedback and opinions.
Stella- LW says
@ Joe #29- I never said I was not happy alone. I have enjoyed many single periods throughout my life. I am more independent than most women I know. I think you may be misinterpreting my knowing what I want and need to be fulfilled as being needy. I am not asking him to be around be 24/7 make me french toast every morning & go down on me every night (thanks Evan!). I’m simply asking he be there to be an attentive husband and father in the future if and when we reach that point, because that is what I want. I believe most women want to have their husband available to them, does that make them needy?
Ruby says
Stella
“…but I have done my fair share of dating and being in committed relationships & I have never had such a wonderful relationship with anyone else. I don’t believe in the “fairy tale stuff”. In terms of settling I feel that my connection with this man is rare and would be difficult to find with someone else. I may find man who is more handsome, more successful, who could provide the conventional marriage I desire but without a connection like I have with my current man, I would consider that to be settling nonetheless.”
Sounds like you have your answer.
Stella- LW says
@ Ruby #32- Yep. As I went through replying to comments I did indeed find my answer.
Dina says
So, a relationship rated as a 7 and man rated 7… both above average ratings gives a failing score… I don’t like this system.
Evan Marc Katz says
@Dina – how do you figure that it’s a failing score? You’re talking about a 65 being passing out of 100 on high school science tests? Seriously?
Consider that a “49” is a lot better than the 10 chemistry X 3 relationship things that most women “settle” for and I’m hoping you’ll see the wisdom in my simple equation.
Wowzers says
“whipped on you?”
Really? Women are eating up advice from a man who says the equivalent of “pussy whipped?”
Yuck. Are there men alive who actually consider women human? I gotta quit the trashy intertubes
beverly says
I think Evan is wrong. From all that Ive read from Evan, he means a 10 by chemsitry, attraction, etc. What Stella means is, he is all shes ever wanted, Im taking on the assumption that she means, hes funny, kind, generous, caring, attractive, considerate, etc. He is the whole package.
Dont give up on him. I dont why Evan thinks that the relationship wont work, I mean, if you LOVE him…and he loves you and you both want it to work, there is way. There is skype, there is email, there is love letters, there is phone calls, so many ways to be connected to know that everyday you are in each others heart, no matter the distance.
Dont be the girl to let the “right” slip from your hands. Fight for what you want, that is, if you are all he wants to.
The effort you put into, will make it so much more at the end.
judy says
Beverly 37 – sorry darling, Evan is right.
A man who fancied me and wanted to marry me was, on the surface of it, a real 10+.
Perfectly gorgeous, charming, intelligent but……….he worked so hard, his first wife never actually got to see him much, and he travelled a lot too.
They divorced. Did he learn his lesson? No. He married again, and did the same thing. He did not marry me (although I was his number one choice because the lifestyle would not have suited me at all – despite the fact that there were some considerably plus factors).
Heidi says
I love this article, Evan. The observations that you make are so pertinent, yet you make them seem so simple! Another great angle for me to consider when weighing up the pro’s and cons of starting a relationship. Thank you so much 🙂
Jenai says
I think if it’s most important for this woman to have quality time and that’s a need for her, it may be in her best interest to break things off with this guy and find someone who can give her more time.
However, if she can stand to be away from him for long periods of time, and they can find ways to compromise like Skype and facetime she shouldn’t walk away.
She should also consider that he won’t be in the military forever. Anything can happen at any time. He may get hurt and get an early discharge, he could just do reserves, and once they’re married she could possibly travel with him. I know many people in the military and not all of them travel overseas and out of the country all the time. If they have a high rank they do have some flexibility with this. She should discuss this with him and see if they can find some type of compromise if that person means that much to her and she loves him that much.
Love never comes without sacrifice and compromise. Just a matter of what you and the other person are willing to sacrifice and compromise.
Blondie99 says
I volunteer at a military hospital and I have for 7 years. My position is with soldiers that have been wounded and are returning home usually pretty seriously. Unfortunately most of those that fall into this category are young men. I have to say that it takes a very strong special wonderful and amazing woman to be married to a military man and I am certain the reverse is true for those men married to military women I just don’t see that. Military men marry young so this woman can expect that to be coming. Part of the reason is practical because it allows his girlfriend to live on base with him and travel around with him when he moved as well as certain benefits. But another part is these men that go on long dangerous deployments are looking for security and a reason to come home and someone to write and talk to they need support. Please know I’m using the term men but it can interchange for women. The wives I see with their wounded husbands usually have small children, have struggled to make friends due to moving around a lot, find it hard to establish a career for much the same reasons but these women are pillars of strength. I decided a long time ago I could never be one of these women. There are many things to consider. This man could be in the military for four years and done can she live with that? Maybe or does he plan to be career military? That’s different. And yes military marriages have high divorce rates because the spouse is gone for a long time. But Evan you miss something huge here. This is like Tom Cruise comparing him not seeing Suri to military Dads not seeing their kids due to deployments as both doing their jobs. Eva Longorias ex and CEOs of companies may be busy and they may travel but they are not in war zones risking their lives! Most likely you can talk to them or communicate with them if you want daily that’s not the case with many soldiers. You could go a month not hearing. It’s not about just being apart. Sure people married to first responders deal with this to but for the most part their spouses are coming home. I seriously suggest you read Travis Mills’ book and what his wife goes through to understand what I mean. I also think dating a military man or man that travels at 40 as you mention is totally different than 25. First at 25 most people want kids and a family. It’s a lot harder to raise kids when a spouse is not around for whatever reason they are absent. Second, people tend to be more established and used to being on their own at 40 and 3rd even if you do date a military man or woman in their 40s the chances of them being deployed in a dangerous area are lower. In addition if they are career they have the option to retire quite early. My bottom line is on military men and woman I agree with you Evan but for other reasons and to the ladies blasting him look we all don’t have your strength kudos to you! I can’t do it. Maybe this woman can’t. I think it’s better for her to recognize that then lead this man on and hurt him.