The REAL Reason You’re Still Single

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There are two big problems in dating.

1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.

Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?

Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.” But, as we’ve established a few hundred times on this blog, you can’t change anyone else’s thinking.

What you can change is YOU.

To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself.

But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.

This is a waste of time.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to  want the people who want you.

It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And as the furor about Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him proved, nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.

But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.

There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like me, probably 7’s in looks and 9’s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9’s in looks, but 5’s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.

One of the things that I’ve often thought is that none of these men would marry someone like my wife, even though my wife is – objectively – just about the coolest woman on the planet. They’d have the same objections I did: a little too old, not a Harvard grad, blahblahblah.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that I made a CHOICE to find an amazing partner and create an amazing life – and all I had to do was give up that IMAGE that I’d had of dating a woman who was Just. Like. Me.

If you’re single, and never find anybody “good enough,” chances are that you do the exact same thing.

Today, I’m calling you out.

Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.

And that something is this:

If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9’s and 10’s who are in their late 20’s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9’s and 10’s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6’s and 7’s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself. If he can get only 6s and 7’s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7’s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.

I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.

So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own condo, runs marathons, and can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword only likes 9’s and 10’s… but those same men always a) prefer younger women or b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7’s who think she’s the bee’s knees?

Apparently not.

Because that would be settling.

And settling is bad.

Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely. Because They. Will. Not. Settle.

They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.

And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.

If you price a candy bar at $100 and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar.

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.

Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of  Love U.

Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.

After rebranding her on Match.com, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.

Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.

Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.

Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.

I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”

Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.

Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”

Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”

So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?

“Yeah, kind of.”

I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.

By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.

I certainly have been.

Did you find this post thought-provoking? Challenging? Insightful? Then be sure to check out my eBook, “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever“.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Mika

    Goldie,
    I agree with #19’s comment. It’s not about settling for less as far as the relationship is concerned. Evan’s point is to give a chance to those whom you perceive as ones who don’t meet your “standards”. As an example, when I first started online dating, I checked “Caucasian” check box for a potential match, but ended up falling in love with a multiracial guy that I was not even attracted to on the first date. So, again, what I think Evan is trying to say, that if your dating experience leaves you nothing but a bad taste in your mouth, until you start thinking outside the box and approach dating from a different angle, the chances are — you won’t even get to the point of building a solid, happy and satisfying LTR/marriage.

  2. 22
    texasdarlin

    @ #21   Well said.  

    @ # 18   No offense meant.   basically I have been trying to say what Mika just did and what Selena, Cat, & Ellen have

  3. 23
    R.C.

    I was just thinking about this very same issue as I was prepaing for the work week a few hours ago and this was before I checked my email and saw the  title above in Evan’s blog.   I can think  of a few reasons why most of us (including myself) are still single.   But before I list some of those reasons, I myself, like most people that  have  responded above just simply  do not want to accept or  settle again or  at all    just for the sake of being in a relationship or married.   Life is too precious and  short to  continuously waste time on relationship after relationship with people who do not want  nor share the same goals, interest,  values, or  aspirations.   That was one of the  reasons why I divorced my ex-husband  a few  years ago.

    Yes,  before we  married, we did share and discussed those  goals, plans, dreams and aspirations often enough but after we married somewhere along the way his  goals shifted.   As I now  look back on the time we  were together, I  had to  place some of the blame on myself.   The lessons that I learned from that experience as well as the invaluable information on the net from Evan’s blogs and  other  websites that I read often  that deals with sex, love, life and relationships, I  took a long hard  look in the mirror @ myself  and discovered some things .  

    Those issues that I saw in the mirror motivated me to make some changes within myself. Sometimes is not about you but the person you are attracted to or would like to have and call  as your own who has some  issues that they are going through or trying to  resolve.   If a person is lacking in certain areas in their life or is  not comfortable with where they are  then chances are they are going to remain single until they have reached that  level.

    From  my personal experience  with  dating after  my  divorce and what I came across with  the few men that I dated  are a few reasons why I am still single.  

    1)Non-committal – Serial dater or short term dater
    2)Priorities are not in order
    3)Unresolved  issues that affects future relationships
    4) Multiple women -FWB, Casual Relationships
    5) Low   motivation
    6) Lack character
    7) Poor communicator
    8) Lacks interest or effort
    9) Lack  commonalities
    10)Lack connection

  4. 24
    JuJu

    I can’t even imagine applying an Ivy League degree as a standard. Any individual that actually has that criterion, frankly, would not seem truly intelligent to me (or to be a good person).
      
    Physical attraction, however, is either there or it’s not. I don’t know how it can be “cultivated”. It doesn’t mean the man has to be a 10 (for me), he just has to be acceptable in this regard. And good in bed, of course.

  5. 25
    Evan Marc Katz

    Before I go to sleep, I want to thank the readers who have defended me against things that I’ve never said before (i.e. you should settle, any relationship is better than no relationship, you should be with a man you’re not attracted to). The reason I’m posting now is to challenge the women who have been challenged by this post to do something different.

    Instead of reflexively explaining what’s wrong with MEN that causes you to remain single, take a second to consider what’s wrong with YOU.

    Why would a highly desirable man not want to settle down with you? Or, if you’re a man. why would a desirable woman not want to be with you?

    Only in tapping into your humility will you really be able to appreciate the virtues of a partner. Only by focusing on good qualities instead of bad ones will you learn to be content. Only by realizing that compromising and settling are two entirely different concepts can you get back into a happy relationship.

    EVERYONE in a great relationship compromises.

    Those who have settled before and refuse to do it again are missing the point. It’s not to get you into a miserable relationship, for Chrissakes. It’s to illustrate that by refusing to make compromises on certain things, you how you can stay single FOREVER. And if you prefer being single to the compromises that, say, I had to make to become happily married, good for you. Just don’t pretend that there aren’t TONS of quality guys out there who would make solid husbands.

    If you think that you’re such an amazing catch, you have never remotely considered the dozens of reasons that men would not choose to date you.

    I encourage anyone reading this to make a list of 20 reasons someone wouldn’t date you. I did this with Lori Gottlieb in her book as well. When you’re done with your list, you’ll now have 20 reasons that you should consider compromising.

    You can thank me when you’re married.

  6. 26
    brooksie

    Why would a desirable man not want to be with me? When I was younger, I blamed it on the fact that I don’t want children. I kept meeting men who wanted kids. Of all the things you can’t compromise on, that’s the big one.
    Now I’m in my 40s and it’s not reasonable for men to expect me to have their children, and I’m not turning down men who want to be with me. I’m literally not meeting any men who want to be with me.  I’m not ruling out men for shallow reasons — in the past, if anything, I’ve stayed with noncommittal, distant men far too long because I was afraid they were the best I could do. I’ve broken that habit, at least, but warm, caring, emotionally available men don’t seem to be showing up to fill the vacuum, at least not yet. I’m starting to think maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.

  7. 27
    Anette

    Lol!! You’re awesome Evan.

    I did exactly this a few years back.I thought through(didn’t write them down) the reasons a guy, (especially the kind of guy I would have liked)  wouldn’t want to be with me. It was quite a long list..hahah!!

    Some of it, I realized I had to change(life-style changes). It was a very good exercise, because strangely enough it also changed my idea of what I wanted. All the ideas I had in my head were completely wrong.

    Realizing that those “perfect” guys wouldn’t have wanted to date me, made ME realize I didn’t actually want to date them. Crazy the stuff we convince ourselves of. I also realize what I could easily compromise on and yeah, it’s pretty necessary really.

  8. 28
    Selena

    One can have long   *must haves*,   dealbreakers, and “I’m single because these things are wrong with men” lists, but there really is only ONE criteria:

    Does he make you feel good to be with him?

    That’s it.   You  focus on that one quality  and all the lists become irrelevant.

    If you choose instead to believe you can only feel good with someone who meets the criteria on your lists, then the lists themselves become the impediment to opening yourself up to finding someone with whom you feel good.

    And ironically, the key to contentment being single is not  having a  list of what you perceive to be wrong with the opposite gender.   That’s just keeping your baggage close beside you to constantly trip over.

  9. 29
    Jane

    Ok Evan.
    20 Reasons a Quality Guy Close to My Age   Wouldn’t Want to Date Me:
    1. am 37 and that is   a big negative if the guy wants some time to “have fun” before popping out the kids.
    2. Though I am impeccably and stylishly dressed and have a fantastic body and a pretty enough face, my “look” may not be for all me.
    3. I am a perfectionist.
    4. Sometimes I get depress and withdraw
    5. I am unpredictable, restless
    6. I get disappointed easily, though I try hard to hide it
    7. I’m too intellectual. I have a high IQ. I get bored easily.
    8. I look like I’m stiff in bed ( though I’m not at all, according to most guys I’ve been with)
    9. I have unresolved emotional issues with my family
    10.I am bitter
    11. I resent those carefree, happy girls, who seem to have it easier with men.
    12. I am a very funny person- BUT I can be untactful
    13. I’m too eccentric
    14.I’m more worldly than most men
    15.I secretly find most men ugly and resent that the goodlooking ones have better options than me.
    16. My moral standards are too high when evaluating men. Even I don’t meet my own moral standards.
    17.I obsess about my looks
    18. I haven’t handled money well
    19. I don’t come across as the nurturing type
    20. I am fake. Outwardly I try to appear as a person who sees the best in others, but internally, I just think most people are selfish without realizing it.
    So, there you go Evan, 20 of my faults. I’m your typical perfectionist woman who looks great, but can’t land a guy cuz I’m not warm and nurturing enough and just downright bitter.
    I have been following your advice. I tried for a year to make it work with a guy who didn’t “do it” for me, but was none the less, kind and accepting.
    In fact, I’ve been trying for the past 3 years to do that.   Feels good to be in a secure relationship, but in the end…. it’s still your typical story: Women do get a bum deal because biology is not in their favor.
    That doesn’t mean that you can’t fall in love and find happiness, but   if you just look at it objectively, what all women need to hear is exactly Lori Gottlieb’s message: Forget about finding someone whom you think is your “equal”, but instead, take the guy who finds you a “catch”. Chances are, you are overrating yourself because you forget that time is not on your side.   Start focusing on kindness, compassion and tolerance as criteria for evaluating men.   Yes, yes, got it.   Here’s something to think about: a 47 year old man would treat me exceptionally well- attentive, kind, generous- all those great traits that should make him   a keeper. HOWEVER, that same guy might not treat a 45 year old woman with the same kind of respect.   I guess with my attitude, I’ll never get married.
      
      

    1. 29.1
      Tom

      Jane, you put a lot out there. Chances are you will get through what you have to do.
      There is only 1 first principle in building any kind of relationship… be yourself.
      You have a lot of contradiction and caveats on ‘who you are’!

      You can’t be an ‘US’ til you become a ‘You’.

      I subscribe to the idea of being single as natural.

      What are the real reasons as to what ‘you’ want, therefore what is the necessity of having a ‘relationship’?

      You got to stop apologizing for failures that have never occurred

      You have got to solve what you want. And you will find out how awesome it is to grow towards this renewable you.

      There are a 100 things you really want to do. There is also a 1000 risks you have to face.
      But there is a 100% satisfaction guaranteed working on getting out of this ‘monologue’ of ‘I’m fair to everybody. but failure is too intense to negotiate’ country you’ve exiled yourself to!

      Take care of who you are. Work on yourself… that also means what makes you feel good.
      You have an advantage over all men… take actual advice when you need it.

      You wrote a very interesting letter. If your smart enough to write it; your smart enough to deal with what needs to change.

      2 items on your agenda… money & sex. No long term relationship survives unless you get control of how you deal with these issues.

      There are plenty of women’s workshop on these 2 issues.
      And build on what you learn & succeed at on just these 2 issues.
      You’ll be surprised how.fast a lot of your issues fall into place as assets.

      And when Jane comes out to play… imagine who you will share the moment with!

      You go girl… you will be happy… you will be all right.

    2. 29.2
      peter

      Bitter wow, if you were a man youd never have had anyone ever, ! think about that ! you’ve had loads of boyfriends your lucky ! biology doesn’t favour women ? really when if your a man you have to prove yourself and prove your better than everyone else and I you cant you don’t get a date ever, you just have to be there and do nothing, that’s why got had a lot of dates and some men have never had any ever ! ! most of your faults only matter if your a man, youl get loads of offers with those faults, if your a man it only takes one fault (lak of confidence) an your screwed forever ! your life sounds great compared to mine, id consider you lucky, imagine being 35 and only having one girl who dumped you beause of a lack of confidence, that’s what bitterness is ! that’s what loanlieness is, youl be fine, youl get men easily

  10. 30
    Veronika

    To Cat, #13

    Thanks for your reply though it did make me feel really bad.   I just used the numbers because it was used in Evan’s post and no I did not mean I settled with a 9, I meant I could get a 9 (maybe my non-native english is the problem?) I agree with inner qualities matter more, I only used it because it was in the post and do not use a 1 to 10 scale in my life to rate the men I meet (I don’t use any scale at all cos I don’t rate them this way, it clicks or it doesn’t click, that’s it).   To defend myself, I wanted to reason why the post does not apply to my situation. For some reason I felt that I have to defend myself now.

    To be honest, I treated him like a prince. And he would confirm that, he said it himself. So that is not the reason. The “4” you defended went around lying to my friends etc about me and him after  he started seeing her  and he doesn’t even know. I am such a bad person that  I didn’t tell him. Cos I saw he was finally getting better and didn’t want to ruin it for him.

  11. 31
    Bill

    For those you have settled and ended horrible. Are those people who compromise on the wrong qualities. They did not compromise on the right qualities that would make it a good long and lasting relationship. Even Donald Trump, Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, and etc compromises.

  12. 32
    Diana

    Wow ~ where are all these man who want to date me, but I’m not interested in them? I wish that were my problem. 😉

  13. 33
    A-L

    Selena’s #28: Big ditto.
      
    Jane’s #29: Very brave of you to post your list of faults.     And though I’m no longer looking for a person to date/marry, I decided to do Evan’s activity anyway.   Just to see what faults my fiance is accepting by marrying me:
      
    1) Overweight-am now close to a size 12
    2) Not terribly fit-rarely exercise
    3) Only average in attractiveness
    4) Multiracial
    5) Very conservative on timeline to have sex
    6) Religious (attend church regularly and am on several leadership committees)
    7) Very thrifty
    8) Research the heck out of decisions rather than just making a quick decision
    9) Have a streak of not completing things (not reading books I buy, finishing home design projects, etc)
    10) Not a great housekeeper
    11) Am reserved around those I don’t know well or am not close to
    12) Only let my wit loose with a select few
    13) Hang with the fam a lot
    14) Don’t have many friends down here-they’re mostly scattered across the country/world
    15) Not big into the late-night scene
    16) Not big into large group parties (preferring more intimate gatherings, of about 12 or less)
    17) Not a big phone person (at least not when the person’s in-town)
    18) Not a fan of most movies
    19) Would rather see an opera or play than most movies
    20) Preference for international travel & foods (especially/including those that are very different from the “typical” American experience)

      
    Umm, I sound like a real catch!   Which is kind of interesting because my family likes to call me Mary Poppins, as in “practically perfect in every way.”   But as is evidenced by the list, I am far from perfect.     The only thing on this list that’s different from when I was dating is #1, as we’ve both put on some weight since meeting each other, and even when we started dating I wasn’t a size 4.
      
    Despite this list, I still think I was a great catch.   And I think my fiance is a great catch too (despite the fact that he has his own list of reasons why someone wouldn’t want to date/marry him).   I think that the key is realizing that everyone is going to have some less desirable qualities, but it’s to weigh those against their good qualities.   And it’s not even   matter to see which size outweighs the other (say, 50 good vs. 40 bad).   I think most people have 10 times as many good qualities as bad (i.e. 200 good vs 20 bad).   The key though is to focus on the good, rather than the bad.   Because otherwise nobody would ever want to date any of us.

  14. 34
    Monica

    so we are supposed to change to make a man we are attracted to like us? That’s not fair!!   I have met several losers these past few weeks.. and im talking about men who either dont have a job or dont have a car or both.. and/or has a criminal history… i am tired of finding losers.. where are all the winners at??? tell me, please…

  15. 35
    starthrower68

    Monica,

    That’s not at all what Evan is saying.   First of all if a guy we are attracted to does not return our feelings, there’s probably no amount of change we can do to make that be different.     I believe what he’s saying is if a woman thinks she MUST have the Harvard MBA with the 6-figure a year salary and looks like he belongs on the cover of GQ, that is probably setting our sites a bit too high (unless of course we have what it takes to catch that sort of guy, which brings a whole other set of issues).     What Evan is saying is that women shouldn’t limit themselves to a “type”.     We should also be realistic in what we want in a relationship and in a partner.     I don’t believe Evan is saying anything different to women here than he does to men.   But then again, he does spell it out for us exactly what he IS saying in one of his responses so there really is no need to misinterpret.    

  16. 36
    Diana

    Naturally, the 20 reasons why a man would not want to date me would vary, depending on the man. In general:
    1. While I have a beautiful and youthful face, I am not slender.
    2. I have children living at home.
    3. I am about to turn 50.
    4. I do not have a bubbling, outgoing personality. I am quiet and reserved [until I get to know you better and then you’d best watch out ;)].
    5. I am not a drinker.
    6. I am not religious in the traditional sense.
    7. I am not a sports fan.
    8. I am not a sun worshiper.
    9. I am passionate about the arts which I have found not to be a common interest for men.
    10. I am not college educated, yet I am highly intellectual and I have secured a respectable career that pays well.
    11. My idea of outdoor activities does not include fishing, motorcycle riding, Nascar or hunting.
    12. I am not a dog lover.
    13. I worry or feel anxious sometimes.
    14. I am a great cook, but I won’t prepare you dinner every night.
    15. I need time for solitude.
    16. I don’t like gore and horror flicks.
    17. I am not an easy putout.
    18. I won’t tolerate a man’s abuse.
    19. I am a liberal.
    20. I owe more than I am worth. 😉
    Here’s the thing: I may love photography, playing the piano, museums, plays, movies etc., but I don’t have a check box where the man must also feel the same. How boring would that be? I don’t expect anything different from a man than I do of myself. He doesn’t have to be athletic, and he can certainly be a church goer who loves his Sunday football or a drink with the guys. I am most interested in learning what a man is passionate about ~ not just my own, and what his character is made of. My only initial deal breakers are that he cannot smoke and he has to be living a healthy, independent life ~ emotionally and financially [not how much he makes, but how self-sufficient he is]. And of course, he cannot be married.
      
    I can respect and understand why a man wouldn’t want to date me. I don’t take offense because I feel pretty grounded with myself and in my life. It doesn’t matter how many men wouldn’t date me. It only takes the right one that will. 🙂

  17. 37
    Kat Wilder

    Instead of having a mental list of what someone must have, how about a few things we absolutely don’t want – addictions, smoker, racist, abuser, etc. – and that leaves us open to a lot more potential dates.
    The word “settle” is part of the problem; settle has many definitions, including to “arrange in a desired position” and “come to rest,” but we tend to see it as “to sink to the bottom.”
    Compromise is a better term because we almost   always compromise – at work, at school, with our pets …
    We don’t always get everything we want; if fact, we often don’t. So why do we expect – demand? – that we’ll get it in love? None of us is perfect, despite what your mom and dad told you.
    And Goldie, I disagree – men don’t get intimidated by smart successful women who are giving him what he needs. Think about it.
      

  18. 38
    Veronika

    As per Evan I collected my 20, too…
    1) I’m way too stubborn and too easy to have a fall out with.
    2) I tend to get overexcited about things and jump into them (some guys stressed out how they hate this and tell me I should back off or I’ll get hurt, and then they turn out to be right)
    3) I overspend my money, don’t have savings (Yes this is a huge  fault, I’m not good at handling money and taking care of depts)
    4) No car as of now (in between-period, works well w/o car where I live, it’s not the USA)
    5) I hate when guys leave their stuff all around my apartment and I say it
    6) I talk too much sometimes, way too much, and I reveal too much – I don’t give out others secrets but give too much detail about myself
    7) When I get close I tend to reveal too much details too soon (which I really have to watch out not to do!)
    8) It’s hard for me to accept when I am wrong, you can prove me 5 times and I’ll still stick to my point and even get into a fight for it, rather than admitting that I was wrong
    9) Am a party girl, like to go out and have probably too many male friends for most guys it’s a problem
    10) Cannot make a quick decision, I stress too much on stuff that could be decided easily – also if someone hurts me I tend to become bitter about it for days and then people see the reaction cos I cannot shut up. Even if I go to the person and apologise in the bravest way, it should not be done in the first place.
    11) I tend to intimidate people (I know I do, still didn!t figure out how…. and how to get rid of this)
    12) I tend to use my authority and rights (well it comes across in my work, but since my last crush is a work buddy….) – I tend to “silently prove” to people that I can get things done that nobody else can and that I have the connections – as if I wanted them to fear me. I don’t want them to fear me but to respect as if I were on a “higher level”.
    13) I am way too helpful and nurturing, I might still be there to help when a man said he wants to handle his stuff alone. I tend to be “too much”.
    14) I worry too much, for loved ones, for guys, dogs, cats etc….
    15) Topics such as politics, economic issues, news don’t interest me enough – It’s not that I don’t know about it  but it’s boring me and that’s a turn-off for most men I’ve met.
    16) I care too much about how I look (probably about how others look as well but it comes across more with other women and criticising them, I never tell a man how to dress etc…. OK I did in serious live-in relationships…) I tend to say I am not good looking and think otherwise and I tend to check myself in mirrors and windows :(((
    17) I am too flirty. I don’t flirt much in general  but it’s too easy to flirt with me and it was an issue before
    18) It’s too easy to turn me off. For example, when a guy asks me what I want to do at the start of a date, it turns me off – for me it’s lack of preparation, a sign of weak will or something…. I like when men control but then, they cannot always control right? It’s just that it’s way too easy to disappoint me.
    19) I tend to be a perfectionist and expect people to be perfect and do things perfectly – I have too high standards for men,  about how dates should go  etc.
    20) Last but not least, I am moody (as hell). Unpredictably moody, I can be smiley in an hour and look depressed in the next. I get depressed too easily and it’s “written on my face” but even if it wouldn’t my whole body language, the way I speak etc showes it.

    Putting this together, I feel like I am a bad person 🙁 I see why the man I love would not want me. He knows me way too well by now…

  19. 39
    Karl R

    Selena said: (#28)
    “but there really is only ONE criteria: Does he make you feel good to be with him?
    That’s it.   You  focus on that one quality  and all the lists become irrelevant.
    If you choose instead to believe you can only feel good with someone who meets the criteria on your lists, then the lists themselves become the impediment to opening yourself up to finding someone with whom you feel good.”

    That’s the truth. And when you’re looking to “improve” yourself to expand your options, that’s the one quality you’ll need to bring to the relationship as well. (I strongly suspect Selena already does.)

    Anette said: (#27)
    “Realizing that those “perfect” guys wouldn’t have wanted to date me, made ME realize I didn’t actually want to date them. Crazy the stuff we convince ourselves of. I also realize what I could easily compromise on and yeah, it’s pretty necessary really.”

    I made a similar realization. Over time, I became less attracted to the women who weren’t going to make me happy and who weren’t going to be happy with me  … regardless of how beautiful they were.

    Goldie said: (#8)
    “What got me in Evan’s example was that he, the way I saw it, advised his client (and, by extension, his readers) to compromise on intellect and culture,”

    Let’s talk about intellect (since it’s somewhat quantifiable). If standardized tests are to be believed, I’m in the top 1% of the population. If I hold out for my intellectual equal, I’m not just constraining my dating options … I’m strangling them.

    If I compromise and date within the top 10%, I’ve increased my dating options tenfold. If I expand from the top 10% to the top 20%, I’ve doubled my options again.

    Two years ago I dated a woman who was noticeably smarter than me. (Probably in the top 0.01% of the population.)  A couple weeks into the romance, I realized that she didn’t feel that she was dating down intellectually, because she wasn’t dating down anywhere close to the amount she normally had to.

    If you don’t consider intelligence to be a compromise issue, that’s fine. I just wanted to point out that the people who are distinctly more intelligent than you are constantly  forced into compromising on the issue … if only to have some dating options.

    I agree that intellect is important, but it still can be a compromise issue.

    R.C. said: (#23)
    “From  my personal experience  with  dating  […] a few reasons why I am still single.”
    1 & 4. Non-commital, casual relationships, serial dater.
    An acquaintance who met this description got married last week. The men you describe stop being that way for the right woman.

    2, 5 & 9. Priorities, motivation and commonalities.
    He doesn’t have his priorities in your order. He isn’t as motivated as you think he should be. He doesn’t share your interests. All of those could be corrected if you were more tolerant of people who weren’t exactly like you.

    7. poor communicator
    That’s a two-way street. A skilled communicator can adjust their communication style to match the person they’re communicating with.

    It’s easy to blame the other person. It’s also completely unproductive, because you have no control over them.

    monica said: (#34)
    “so we are supposed to change to make a man we are attracted to like us? That’s not fair!!”

    If you’re waiting for dating to become fair, you’re going to die single.

    And no matter how much you change, the man you’re attracted to won’t suddenly start liking you. You’re going to have to start liking the men who are attracted to you.

    Or you can stay single. That’s a valid option, and the more willing you are to stay single, the less you’ll need to compromise.

    brooksie said: (#26)
    “I’m starting to think maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.”

    That’s entirely possible. It’s also something you can change.

  20. 40
    JuJu

    Jane #29: 2. Though I am impeccably and stylishly dressed and have a fantastic body and a pretty enough face, my “look” may not be for all me.
      
    What does the part in bold mean?
      
    A-L #33: why is being multiracial – a “fault”?
      

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