The Secret To Having Fun While Dating. It’s Not So Secret…
Anna is a client who needs a hug (or three).
She’s 46, slim, attractive, successful – my typical client – but there’s a sadness about her. Maybe you can understand.
Anna didn’t picture her life turning out this way.
I mean, she always assumed she’d live up to her potential – the good grades, the nice home, the international travel – it’s that when she imagined her life at 46, she naturally assumed she’d be married with kids.
At this point, she’s accepted that the kids’ ship has sailed – she’s cool with being an aunt – but she still doesn’t see how all of her friends got married and she didn’t.
When Anna traces back the timeline, it becomes a little bit clearer:
She was just having fun in her early 30’s. That’s cool. Everybody was.
When Anna finally got serious about a man in her mid-30’s, he turned out to be the wrong guy. Which would have been fine.
Except she spent 3 years with him and 1 year mourning his departure.
After Anna finally got her head on straight, she decided to focus on the things she could control, the things that gave her joy, the things that couldn’t hurt her:
Work. Friends. Hobbies. Home. Family. Work.
So that’s what she did. For 6 years.
She put her head down, closed the door to love, and convinced herself she was happy.
Except she wasn’t.
It hurt her to admit that.
She wanted to be so strong.
She didn’t want to acknowledge that she wanted love, missed a man’s touch, cherished the idea of sharing a life with someone.
Any of this resonating with you?
After reading my materials for a year, Anna finally decided to take action.
She started with Why He Disappeared, graduated to Believe in Love, and eventually signed up for six months of Love U Masters Coaching.
Of course, Anna is one of those “most-likely-to-succeed” types.
She’s a good student, she’s extremely earnest, and she wants to get her gold star for a job well done. Most of all, she wants her investment to pay off.
Who can blame her?
Believe me, I want Anna to fall in love within the next 26 weeks as well.
But here’s the problem:
Anna is so intent on getting this right that she’s having about as much fun as someone studying statistics in order to get a math requirement filled for college.
Her instructions are no different than the ones I’ve offered you here:
- Get online for a half-hour each night.
- Respond to men using the methods from Finding the One Online.
- Update your favorites list and reach out to one new guy a day.
- Schedule 1 or 2 phone calls and 1 or 2 dates per week.
Yet week after week, Anna reports back that she hasn’t had time, hasn’t had the desire, is completely dispirited, wants to give up, is considering life as a nun.
She starts to cry.
I feel terrible.
I give Anna the virtual hug, the pep talk, the metaphors that allow her to come around to my way of thinking.
She momentarily feels better, but always falls back into her own patterns.
Dating isn’t worth it.
Dating is a waste of time.
Dating causes pain.
Dating is too much work.
Well, if that’s the way Anna feels, consider how that will dictate her results.
She will dread dating and avoid it as much as possible.
She will find flaws in men’s profiles so as not to have to engage with them.
She will take a long time to reply to other men because she’s too “busy.”
She will take any form of rejection personally, even though it’s not personal.
She will use the ups and downs of dating to justify why she doesn’t want to do it.
And there you have it: an airtight negative feedback loop. A self-fulfilling prophecy if there ever was one.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Not at all.
Dating is supposed to be fun!
You see, dating is supposed to be fun!
Really. It is. I swear.
And if “fun” is the last word you’d ever use to describe dating, I’d like to introduce you a recent Love U student, Monique.
A month ago, Monique was down in the dumps. She’d gotten hurt by some guy, her self-esteem was down, and she was feeling really negative about men and dating.
As I was writing today’s newsletter, she emailed me this.
“I forgot how much I love dating! You get to meet new people all the time and never know if there will be a connection or not. This round of dating I’ve been to the best Indian restaurant in Seattle, the Seattle Underground tour, had a spontaneous picnic on at Golden Gardens after a long walk on the beach, went to my first sock hop, Smash Putt (Putt Putt on crack), Bollywood dancing, numerous other meals, I’m now taking dance classes, Speed dating, and I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few of the others.
I don’t worry about who is going to pay. I don’t worry about kissing them. I don’t worry about if this is my future husband. I just want a good conversation and a time to get to know another human being. If things click, awesome! If not…Oh well! There are PLENTY of men out there.
Once I changed my mindset about dating I realized this is the most fun I’ve ever had. I know it can get hard out there, ladies, but if you just go and have fun without a bunch of crazy expectations you will look forward to dating.”
Seriously. I couldn’t have written something better myself.
Monique is the same exact person she was a month ago.
Seattle is the same city it was a month ago.
Men are the same as they’ll ever be.
And yet suddenly, this one 36-year-old woman is having the time of her life.
All because she chose to change her mindset.
I can’t say whether you’re like Anna or whether you’re like Monique.
Both are readers and I am committed to both of their successes.
But I think it’s obvious that Monique’s attitude is not only healthier for her, but objectively more attractive to men as well.
Men love happy women, confident women, and women who are not remotely worried about whether this date is going to result in a marriage proposal.
Take the pressure off yourself. Flirt with a bunch of guys online. Go on a date or two each week with no set of expectations. Commit yourself to simply having fun with the process.
Next thing you know, you’ll have men lining up to be your boyfriend.
Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?
If Monique’s story sounds like a minor miracle – as if I put the words into her mouth – let me assure you, it’s no miracle.
This is the kind of thing that happens every day in Love U.
Not only are hundreds of smart, strong, successful women getting advice from yours truly, but they’re doing it at a FRACTION of the cost of private coaching.
And in case you weren’t familiar, Love U is my comprehensive, interactive, affordable relationship mastery course that teaches you everything you need to know to date with confidence and make smarter relationship choices that last a lifetime.
You’ve gone long enough without a man who treats you like gold and wants to commit.
Warmest wishes and much love,
P.S. How well does Love U work? Well, let’s just say I get a lot of emails like this:
I’ve got a boyfriend (as of last night). I was on OK Cupid for six weeks and have just pulled everything down. Six weeks. I was with another coach for years. Literally.
Thanks very, very much.
Lexi took action. She joined Love U. She got results in six weeks.