The Best News You’re Going to Hear About Men All Year

I’ve Got Good News, I’ve Got Bad News and I’ve Got Great News!
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Yesterday, I had a really interesting conversation with someone in my neighborhood.

Natalie’s 47. She looks great for her age. She has a thriving business. She’s been married since she was a teenager. She has three kids, and only one of them is still at home.

On the surface, Natalie looks like she’s one of those rare women who had it all figured out at a young age. Scratch an inch beneath and she’s a deeply sad woman.

Turns out her husband – a man that I like a lot personally – is not much of a husband.

He doesn’t listen to Natalie about her feelings.
He prefers to spend his Sundays playing softball, hiking alone, or watching sports.
He doesn’t like when she leaves him alone on Sundays.
He deletes Natalie’s favorite shows on TiVo when he needs room for his shows.
He doesn’t like doing things that she likes doing and makes no effort to compromise.
He has a temper and yells at her when he’s frustrated with their relationship.

This guy is warm, friendly, bright, attractive, and a good provider to his family.

Natalie acknowledges all of this and even lauds him as an amazing father.

He just happens to be bad husband.

Since I wasn’t contracted to give any advice, I just sat back and listened.

But I’ll tell you what I was thinking:

If Natalie leaves her husband, she will find love again. She will find a man who is a communicator, a man who listens, a man who puts her needs first.

No doubt about it.

As for her husband, he will find love again, too. Unfortunately, his second wife will have the exact same experience as Natalie.

This is the best news you’re going to hear about men all year.

You can finally rest easy:

NOBODY ends up happy with that selfish guy who broke your heart!

NOBODY ends up happy with that selfish guy who broke your heart!

You didn’t blow it.

Your ex is just going to bring his unique brand of selfishness to another woman who is not you.

Just be glad he’s HER problem now, not yours.

This is important stuff – especially if you blame yourself for the behaviors of selfish and emotionally unavailable men.

Literally the ONLY thing to do when you’re with one of these guys is to DUMP him and find a guy who gives you what you need.

Rest assured that you will soon find that man – and whoever finds your ex will get the same bucket of disappointment that you’ve already swallowed.

All of this makes me think of my client, Ali, who finally kicked her bad boy habit in her 30’s after 12 weeks of working with me.

Here’s what she wrote to me shortly after she completed her coaching:

I promised you I would write you to keep you updated on what’s going on with Jeremy and I. What can I say…I’m in love. When I think about all the time I wasted on guys who were unavailable and or treated me badly it makes me wish I had called you sooner. An ex-boyfriend and I were having dinner recently and he just asked me “Have you ever dated a guy who was nice to you? Have you ever dated someone who treated you well?”

Up until I started working with you…the answer was a big fat NO. I’ve often thought about what you’ve said regarding chemistry vs. compatibility and passion vs. stability.

It’s true I’ve spent so much time chasing things like passion that it never occurred to me that it wasn’t really sustainable. Sure it needs to be present, but not to the degree that Hollywood could base another Reese Witherspoon movie on it.

My sister said to me that she learned early on “that the spark has never been good for me [her].” I think it’s true for everyone. Once I stopped chasing a feeling I couldn’t ever hold on to anyway, I found the real thing. I’ve never really had something this real or felt this safe with someone before and I just want to say thank you.

I can’t be too upset about things with the crazy ex not working out because frankly they brought me to where I am now. It was you who set me on the right path. I don’t know where things are going to go but I’m happy and in love with a great guy.

So my only question is…if and when, how do you feel about officiating a wedding?

Ali

I didn’t end up officiating Ali’s wedding, but she did get married and later, became a mother. I’m incredibly happy for her.

Ali is just like you – with one major difference:

She listened to my advice, and took it to heart – particularly two lessons from my book “Believe in Love – 7 Steps to Letting Go of Your Past, Embracing the Present, and Dating with Confidence.

The first being that it’s better to be single, than to be dissatisfied. The second lesson being how to spot the signs it’s time to get out a negative relationship.

If you’re sick of wasting years of valuable time and emotional energy on men who will just let you down, it doesn’t have to be this way. The choice is yours.

Click here to see how you can let go of the past and create an exciting new romantic future.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. Here’s another lady who took my advice and experienced a major transformation:

I was feeling a loneliness and despair that I might call weakness. I had just walked out of a stagnating relationship. I had read so much in the past year and signed up to so many relationship coaches’ advice, lectures, conferences and guidelines and I was applying them to one single situation hoping for the results I wanted. It was a good idea to step away from it all and not feel desperate to date before I was ready. I needed to feel strong, confident and ready, and not bitter.

What a change!

Now I am laid back and confident, I take care of my health and I recognize that I come first before I can be of service to anyone worthy of me.

I feel healthy, joyful and confident, and when I feel I am slipping, you remind me to be centered.

Meral

Click here and I’ll walk you step-by-step into the arms of your future husband!

Join our conversation (21 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 1
    Tina

    I was married for 36 years to a brilliant, successful, emotionally unavailable passive-aggressive man who spent weekends watching football and ignored my years of pleas to spend at least one weekend a month with me and the children. He found sweet young thing a couple years older than our son and married her.

    That was 20 years ago. I had major surgery the year he left, Dated some, then spent ten years caring for my elderly mother until her death. So now I am 77 and would give anything just for a long, full body hug. Do you know the ratio of single women my age to single men. 20:1!

    Yes, I am on dating sites. yes, I read and follow much of the advice given here. No, I do not believe it will work for me, sad to say.

  2. 2
    Bbq

    Tina

    Sorry.
    20 to 1? Is that really true? Why?

  3. 3
    Lisa

    Tina, I am 65 and I can relate to you, especially about the long, full body hug!!
    I’m on several dating sites but I do see enough older men, even in their 80’s.
    Also some men prefer older women.
    I sometimes think I’ll never find the love of my life, but deep down I’ve always had this strong conviction that he’s out there and we will find each-other.

  4. 4
    Emily, to

    BBQ,
    “20 to 1? Is that really true? Why?”
    Uh … because, as a general rule, women outlive men. But it’s not just uneven single women/single men ratios in one’s 70’s. Google stories about active adult communities where the residents are as young as 55. A man loses his wife … and the single women are knocking each other over to bring him a casserole. 🙂 If a man wants to be popular with women, all he has to do is age.

  5. 5
    Bbq

    Emily, to

    Yeah I get we die earlier, that’s just a higher number than I would except.

  6. 6
    Emily, to

    BBQ,
    There’s a singles interactive map of the U.S. you can find online. From ages 20-29, it’s more single men than single women everywhere in the country. From ages 30 to 39, it starts to change. From 40 to 49, it flips almost completely, almost everywhere, to more single women than men. From ages 50 to 59 … you get where I’m going with this.

  7. 7
    Buck25

    Emily,
    That reminds me of a story from a doctor friend of mine. He had a patient, a fellow in his late sixties, whose wife passed away. Within a week after her funeral, he found himself besieged by every widow in the area from 65 to 80 dropping by to bring him casseroles, cookies, etc.. Now not only was he not finished grieving the loss of his wife of forty + years; he wasn’t particularly attracted to any of “the casserole ladies”; besides, he could cook, and frankly preferred his own cooking to their “offerings”. Still the ladies kept coming, and he couldn’t figure out a nice way to get rid of them, until he went to the doc one day, and noticed a nearly empty box of Viagra samples (the kind drug reps give to the doctors to promote the product). He asked the doctor if he could have the box and the couple of samples. The doc was a little taken aback; he said, “John, if you need Viagra, you know I can just write you a prescription” but the fellow said no, he really didn’t need it, just the box and a couple of samples. So the doctor gave them to him. Well, he went home and placed the clearly labeled box and samples in plain sight, right on the table in his foyer entrance. That did the trick; “the casserole ladies” all stopped coming within a week! 🙂

  8. 8
    Emily, to

    Buck25,
    Were these women wearing cat t-shirts and sporting short, tightly curled hair? What was it about them that was so unappealing? You’ve written about women this age before as being unattractive and asexual, but somebody is marrying at least some of them because a good percentage of widowers get remarried. I mean, Christie Brinkley is an anomaly.

  9. 9
    Buck25

    Emily,
    Honestly I have no idea; I didn’t see any of them. I got the story second hand, so I couldn’t tell you whether I would have found any of them attractive or not, much less how they were dressed. All I know is the the guy in question hadn’t even had time to finish grieving his late wife’s passing, and apparently, these particular women wouldn’t have appealed to him if he had. As to the asexual part, all I know, is that the sight of that Viagra sample box apparently sent them packing; I guess you can read whatever you want into that. Whether this guy ever remarried or not, I don’t know.

  10. 10
    Buck25

    Emily,
    I got the story second hand, so obviously I don’t know the answers to those questions. Maybe he really didn’t find any of the “casserole ladies” attractive, or maybe, not really having had enough time to process the loss of his wife, he just wasn’t ready to be with anyone, attractive or not. Not all widowers remarry quickly, though some do (usually the guy who can’t manage being alone; often retired, most of the couple’s friends were his late wife’s friends, so he has no social life, family may be far away, he can’t cook, doesn’t know how to do his laundry, and he can only fish or golf so much, so he tries to fill the void by finding a woman to marry again, ASAP, at least, that’s what I’ve seen in guys in my age group). I can’t exactly identify with that, so again, I don’t really know,
    .
    As for the highly visible Viagra box apparently running the “casserole ladies” off, all I know is what my friend told me. I guess you can read into that whatever you want. I’ve encountered quite a few women in their seventies who pretty much didn’t want sex to be a part of any relationship they might have. I’ve met a few who were apparently quite sexually active, but in that 70+ age group they were the minority. Others may have a different experience. OTH, I’ve met women in their mid-fifties who said they never wanted to have sex with a man again, though that was a relatively small minority.

    If I had to guess, I’d say that men who are widowed (or divorced) earlier in life, say 50 to 55, would be quicker to start dating, and eventually remarrying, or at least getting into a LTR of some sort. It gets quite difficult for a man beyond the age group, especially online, where most women under 60 do not want to date a man over 55, period. YAG has mentioned that before, and it squares with what I’ve observed. The guys 55 or younger do have a much bigger pool of still-attractive women to choose from who are close to peer age, i.e. within 5-7 years of their age, either way. As I mentioned earlier at 65 I found a steadily declining pool of women. Most who wanted to date me were either too young (as in around your age) for there to be much chance of a successful LTR, or older than me by 5 to 10 years (and mostly had just given up and let themselves go, appearance and sometimes attitude-wise). I had, in seven years of trying, exactly one peer age dating relationship that might have been workable long-term, but it was somewhat long distance, and didn’t work out because of that. Beyond that I just had a lot of mostly “one-date wonders” that clearly weren’t going to work, and some too-much age gap girlfriends who just never had a really good chance of working out long-term. I had always suspected that if I got past 70, and didn’t find anyone I really wanted, I most likely wouldn’t. I think most men and women just don’t feel attracted to each other at 70+, so unless something unexpected happens,I guess that’s that.

  11. 11
    Emily, to

    My sample size is small, but the few widowers I know who lost their wives after several decades of marriage remarried within a year. There was a very short grieving window. And the new wife was a woman who had been in his closest proximity — the neighbor, the cleaning lady, the wife’s friend. Maybe these casserole women have witnessed the same thing, and are moving on an opportunity.

  12. 12
    Emily, to

    Buck25,
    ” I had always suspected that if I got past 70, and didn’t find anyone I really wanted, I most likely wouldn’t. ”
    Sorry. Just seeing your second message. I hope you do find somebody. I know one woman in her 70s who did find a live-in, long-term boyfriend. As for whether or not they are having sex, I don’t know. She’s one of those women who doesn’t discuss those kinds of things, so probably not your kind of gal (and certainly not my kind of a friend) ! 🙂
    The other two women I know in their 70s relayed what you did: They had no interest in sex. The one had gotten married at 21, had two back-to-back husbands before she was 40, and then had several boyfriends after the second divorce. She told me she’d had enough sex during her life. Sex is work, both physically and emotionally. As a woman, you might normally do your hair and makeup and make some effort (although the older I get, the more tired I get of the primping), but once you get a boyfriend, the level of grooming is so much more with all the shaving and the nails. You also have to stay in better shape, not to mention be emotionally plugged in to someone and how they are feeling. Maybe they’ve gotten to the point where they want companionship but don’t want to expend the energy on the rest of it. I’m just guessing.

  13. 13
    Buck25

    Emily,

    I feel fairly sure that’s the case, and one can’t really blame them for taking the possible opportunity; they might, after all, get lucky, and really have little to nothing to lose by trying.

  14. 14
    Buck25

    Emily,
    I meant that last to reply to you thoughts in #11.

    “Maybe they’ve gotten to the point where they just want companionship but don’t want to expend the energy on the rest of it”

    I think that’s probably correct; just no longer worth the effort (which really does take more at that age than they were used to) to them, given that 75% of men have ED by age 75 anyway, I guess they’re ready to leave sex and romance in the past

    My situation is not so bad, really. I have a housemate (woman in her fifties; friend of a friend who needed a place to live and get herself back together after a bad divorce). She has her own life, lives in a suite I have downstairs, has now gotten a good job, and is looking for a small house to rent or buy now that she’s gotten her life back together. She’ll be leaving this fall. I have another younger friend who has a very serious (eventually fatal) progressive heart disease. She’s been living with me in another spare bedroom and bath I have. She moved here for work and batter access to the medical care she needs. She’s scheduled for another major surgery soon, and will be staying with me while she recuperates from that, so I do have some company, at least for a while, and I guess that will have to do. All in all, this time hasn’t been a total loss; I’ve been able to step in, and help several other people who fell through the cracks in the system get their lives back. That’s a side of me you wouldn’t know anything about, because I don’t talk about it much. Lets me feel like I still have a purpose in life, anyway.

  15. 15
    Emily, to

    Buck25,
    :to them, given that 75% of men have ED by age 75 anyway, I guess they’re ready to leave sex and romance in the past”
    It’s not just that. We’ve talked about this on other posts. The likelihood the sex will be great isn’t super high for women. (I don’t mean getting off.) It’ll be fine. It’ll be pleasant, but it’s still a lot of work for pleasant. Sometimes you get lucky, but it’s a crap shoot.
    ” I’ve been able to step in, and help several other people who fell through the cracks in the system get their lives back. That’s a side of me you wouldn’t know anything about, because I don’t talk about it much. Lets me feel like I still have a purpose in life, anyway.”
    You, my friend, are a caretaker. Maybe these two younger roommates have female friends to introduce you to?

  16. 16
    Buck25

    “The likelihood the sex will be great isn’t super high for women”

    True; I’ve heard that a lot here and elsewhere. A pity, considering what it can be, but too often just isn’t. One of those tings in life that doesn’t seem quite fair.

    “Maybe these two younger roommates have female friends to introduce you to”

    Yeah might be nice, but no such luck, not in my age group anyway.

  17. 17
    Emily, to

    Buck25,
    “I’ve heard that a lot here and elsewhere. A pity, considering what it can be, but too often just isn’t. One of those things in life that doesn’t seem quite fair.”
    To be honest, with the last person I hooked up with … I liked him, I was definitely attracted to him, it was new so there was the thrill of the unknown, and I tried to be a bit inventive with it ( :)) , but it physically didn’t feel like much. It wasn’t his fault. He was certainly trying …
    “Maybe these two younger roommates have female friends to introduce you to”
    Aren’t these women in their 50s? Isn’t that on the lower end of your age range?

  18. 18
    Buck25

    “Isn’t that on the lower end of your age range”

    Emily,
    It would have been 6 or 7 years ago; it isn’t now. Lower end now would maybe be 60 to 65. I’m still in relatively good shape for the shape I’m in, but I’m definitely feeling the effects of age much more these past couple of years; I get tired more easily now, and my memory is, well, not what it used to be.

    I’m sorry your last experience was as it was. I hope you find someone with whom it’s much better. You still have time, and much to offer for the right someone; I hope you find him, I really do.

  19. 19
    Emily, to

    Buck 25,
    “I’m sorry your last experience was as it was. I hope you find someone with whom it’s much better.”
    I had a good time. It was fun and a little sketchy. I certainly couldn’t have maintained my enthusiasm once the newness wore off. I’m wondering what other women do in those circumstances.
    “You still have time, and much to offer for the right someone; I hope you find him, I really do.”
    Thank you. Right back at you. 🙂

  20. 20
    Noquay

    Buck
    As a near 60, I relate to what you say. Living an unconventional lifestyle, valuing intellectual pursuits, and being highly active are all negatives in the eyes of most older men, mostly since many of my male peers are not very healthy and tend toward the conservative politically. Most dates or even conversing with same age peers usually revolves around them wanting me to change who I am and what I do. Nope. Currently, I focus on whipping my farm into shape and prioritze/price out repairs for when my other property sells.Widowers that do have it together (even with ED) do have a large field to choose from and some (found this one out the hard way) take full advantage of it. BTW, glad to hear you opened your home to your friend in need.

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