[Video] Is Texting The New Normal For Dating?

Here’s the latest video from the series I created with Three Day Rule. It’s called “Is Texting The New Normal For Dating?”

Texting is fast, easy, convenient, and it’s certainly not going anywhere – but is it the best medium for communicating in a relationship?

In today’s video we talk about why calling has become modern chivalry, and how you can damage your relationships by relying on virtual communication.

Join our conversation (18 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 1
    ScottH

    I absolutely agree.  Text messages do not have at least one critical dimension necessary for accurate communication.  I’ve frequently wondered how I should interpret messages (hmmm, did she mean this or that???).  For simple stuff when everything is good, it’s cute and fine.  But to convey important or meaningful information, forget it.

    1. 1.1
      ScottH

      Oh, and one 50 year old I dated tried to break up with me over text after several months of committed dating.  I thought, “what the hell, did she just turn 50 or 15?”

  2. 2
    Grenoble

    Texting is definitely NOT the best way to communicate in a relationship. But it’s so quick that everyone pretty much wants it no other way.

    The very fact that people don’t take it seriously enough allows for far too many misunderstandings and unknowns. Haven’t received a reply to your last text? Is the person busy or ignoring you? Can’t say until you get more information. There are tons of spelling errors? Is the person just a bad speller or do they care so little about you that they can’t even give you a well-written message?

    It’s so easy to overthink texting and have people underestimate just how much energy and feelings people put into this form of communication while others think nothing of it.

    There have been a few miscommunications over text between women I was seeing and me. The limited space for characters forces you to condense sentences. Not being able to hear someone’s voice forces you to interpret without tone or context. There were times women became angry at me over a misinterpreted joke or reading extra meaning where there was none.

    Texting can be useful for brief direct information like setting up times and places for dates, but much else and it can go pretty wrong. I know some people like to joke and communicate interests over text which can allow for further discussion in person, but texting too much can also keep you from ever getting to a real date should someone shoot himself or herself in the foot by sharing too much.

    I’d almost rather call or just wait until I see you in person, but depending on schedules, I may go long times without communicating, so texting is necessary. Despite the amount of women and men who say they’d rather call, there are just as many if not more people who simply hate talking on the phone nowadays, so if you don’t text them, you can’t reach them.

    I’ve called women only for them to cancel the call and text me to ask to just text as they don’t like chatting on the phone. Either they don’t like people hearing their conversations in public or they hate using up their minutes or getting extra charges on their phone bill.

    The main takeaways in my opinion:

    1. Texting is great for sharing exact information to set up dates.

    2. Occasional jokes and fun texts can help build a sense of rapport and let the other person know you’re thinking about them, but can ruin any anticipation if overused.

    3. Accidentally missing texts can drive some people up the wall and really hurt budding relationships.

    4. Purposefully ignoring texts is pretty passive aggressive and I don’t recommend it, but hopefully people can be adult enough to know when to move on. Texting allows for people to shirk taking responsibility for properly bringing a relationship to an adequate close.

    5. Important or long conversations should be saved for in person or at least a call. Too many details that could be misinterpreted.

     

    Sometimes texting is mandatory. I once asked out a non-oral deaf girl and I had no choice but to text her. If it’s not mandatory, it might be better to use texting only for small detail stuff like grocery lists, date plans, confirmations of events, and reminders.

  3. 3
    sophia

    Often “old-school” ways are quite classy and attractive.

    It’s quite disheartening being asked out on a first or second date via text, UGH. I know how to handle that, but it sure detracts a bit from the excitement….

  4. 4
    JB

    I’m in my 50’s and I’ve found that we live in such a busy society now that I’ve been having to text women just setup an actual phone conversation date because I don’t want to interrupt them if they’re in the middle of something and vice versa I appreciate it in reverse. Like I’ll text them and say “Can you phone chat?” and if I don’t hear from them I assume they’re busy or they’ll say call me at “what ever time yadda yadda yadda”

    I know many men (that still bother to TRY and call) get tired of “calling” a woman only for it to go straight to voice mail EVERY TIME. It gets annoying so we just stop it. We text and when or if we get a return text we’ll take it from there. The under 30 crowd never “talked” on the phone like our generation did so they don’t even “get it”…..lol

  5. 5
    Josie

    I just began dating someone and very much appreciated when he called me on the phone.  He actually texted me the day before, saying he was headed to an event, but would call me tomorrow about making the plans we had discussed during our last time together.  He called promptly and I was pleased when he sounded a bit nervous during our phone chat.  (It’s still early and I am not sure about some “yellow flags” this guy presents, but that was a good sign!)  You can gather a lot about someone’s emotional and mental state from a phone conversation that is obviously unavailable during a text conversation.

  6. 6
    L

    I agree that texting can cause miscommunication but I overall prefer it.  I am a single parent and I work 50-60 hours most weeks.  I have no time to talk on the phone.  I would much rather get a text asking how I am and chat that way than on the phone.  That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate the occasional phone call, but don’t call me too often and don’t be upset if I can’t talk at all or can’t talk for long!

    1. 6.1
      JB

      I agree L. See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Gone are the days (especially for many of us over 35) when we get home from work at an exact time and have the rest of the night to chat about our day or make plans for later in the week while actually “speaking” to each other. You have to have time to have a conversation with someone if you want their undivided attention and too many people don’t. That’s the world we live in today.

    2. 6.2
      Adrian

      L before I start let me first acknowledge that this is my opinion. I am well aware that many men love and even prefer texting over talking on the phone. But as a busy man, I disagree with you about texting. To me it is about effort.

      Evan explain it better than me here:

      Why Do Guys Send Text Messages To Keep In Touch While Dating?

      and here:

      How to Make a Guy Call Instead of Texting You

       

      My third point about texting is explained from a unlikely source, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Texting verse talking on the phone lacks so much emotion and can lead to so much misunderstanding.

      A good example is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naleynXS7yo or you can just google Key and Peele texting.

  7. 7
    KJ

    Hi – good video. I was distracted though by all the hand-waving. I kept waiting for you to accidentally whack that chick in the face lol!

  8. 8
    Karmic Equation

    Texting isn’t a good medium for meaningful dialogue.

    It’s good for sexting. For example, I can and will write things I would never say aloud. Do that on blogs also, btw. lol

    It’s good for one-way dialogue: “Meet me at Joe’s at 6pm for dinner.” “Pick up milk before you come by.” “On way to your place. C u in 1/2 hour.”

    It’s good if you have a bf who doesn’t listen when you have arguments. I had a bf, where the only way for me to get a word in edgewise was to leave his condo and text-argue with him. In person, he would just get overly loud and obnoxious. Whereas to have an argument via text, he has to wait for my response.

    It’s not good to discuss emotional or state-of-the-relationship topics via text.

    1. 8.1
      L

      That’s true, but who has time for deep conversation every day?  I’m far to busy for that!

  9. 9
    Karmic Equation

    And the current boyfriend HATES texting. Calls me instead. And makes it clear that he prefers I call him. (He’s constantly complaining about other people texting him when he’s told them time and again he rather get a call.) So although I prefer to text myself, I’ve made the compromise to keep him happy. It’s a small price to pay for a guy who’s kind, thoughtful, honest, likes to hold hands, and assumes that he should spend all his spare time with me. Lucky for him Quality Time is my primary love language, so instead of feeling trapped, I feel loved, by his desire to spend his spare time with me 🙂

     

  10. 10
    Noemi

    I dislike talking on the phone, so I have been guilty of being over reliant on texts (although it was always nice to hear a man’s voice on the phone). I only talk to others on the phone when I wish to discuss something that requires a long conversation, as opposed to bombarding the other person with 20+ texts. I usually text to engage in flirty banter, but if a man only  texts me, I assume he isn’t all that interested or he is too nervous to talk on the phone–both of which are off-putting (the former obviously being more off-putting than the latter). If a man has been slow to call, a comment such as “I’d love to hear your voice” was enough to compel him to dial my number. If I got an excuse, I knew something was off.

  11. 11
    Amy

    I appreciate it when a man calls me. Texting is good for locating someone in a crowded or noisy place, or to send sweet/romantic  remarks when you are already dating or are a couple.  But it starts to feel dismissive when a man only texts to set up dates or stay in touch day to day.  It almost feels like the guy doesn’t even want to hear my voice, or like he can’t be bothered to dial my number. Even if this is not the case, this is how it feels.  It’s fine if a guy texts to set up a phone call but it comes across as more confident if he just calls. The woman should call back within a reasonable amount of time so he doesn’t have to keep calling.  Good manners have taken a big hit in recent years and we all need to step it up and be more polite to one another. Texting has it’s place, it’s great for flirting etc. But to communicate something important, or set up plans, I always prefer a call.

    1. 11.1
      JB

      “The woman should call back within a reasonable amount of time so he doesn’t have to keep calling.”

      Well Amy it’s hardly a “bother” to dial a woman’s number these days when we’re actually only pushing one button on our phone’s…..lol believe me it’s a lot easier than texting ASSUMING someone answers! Most intelligent men (myself included) judge the amount of time it takes for a woman to return a text, email, and especially phone calls to calculate “interest level” because we know for the most part women are looking at their phones on average every waking minute of the day depending on what they do for a living of course….lol

  12. 12
    Rebecca

    I never talk to my boyfriend on the phone. Or to anyone else. Since childhood, I’ve had mild hearing loss so that I misunderstand what people are saying when I can’t see their lips, so I hate the phone. Complex conversations, sharing feelings or arguing or whatever, just has to wait until we’re in the same place, and that’s even considering that it’s a long distance relationship and we sometimes go as long as three weeks without seeing each other. I wouldn’t know how to have an important conversation by text – I’m way too verbose, and too much is lost without tone or facial expression. In the meantime, we check in by email occasionally, mostly just to make plans to see each other; and I text him when I’m on the train to the city to tell him my ETA.

  13. 13
    Lucy

    I hate texting. I think my age group are supposed to love it so I am out of touch with my own generation (I’m 26 btw). I like phone calls. I am always really impressed when a guy phones me but no guys seem to do that anymore. I hate the way that modern technology puts pressure on relationships. People expect you to be in touch 24/7 because they see you on your devices. I try to keep in touch regularly but I am introverted and it feels overwhelming to be texting every day (I should probably compromise as it would help me more). I really enjoy camping because it gives me a break from technology – I’ll be out in the middle of nowhere with a group of people for a week with no phone reception and it’s absolute bliss.

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