(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly

Are You Wrong for Wanting a No-Drama Relationship?

At this point I hope you’ve had the chance to read the Love U Pyramid of Love.

Many of you wrote back to tell me how much those lessons resonated – and how painful it is to look back at all the crap you’ve put up with from men.

But there’s a big difference between realizing you’ve acted insecure in the past and understanding how to correct that behavior in the future.

That’s what I’m here for.

And what I love about my readers is that you are not shy about asking me to address what’s on your mind the most: how to identify good men and get rid of bad ones. Recent emails to me include:

  • How do you decipher the men that are looking for a real relationship vs. the ones looking for a one-night stand?
  • How can I be sure the man that comes on strong is a man is not a player and wants to build a relationship?
  • Why didn’t he felt connected with me since he showed signs of being in love?
  • What makes men commit to some women and not others?
  • How do you know when you’ve met the “right” guy?

Believe it or not, there are answers to all of these questions – and I’m going to share them shortly.

But I’ve gotta tell you: as a dating coach, I probably do the same thing that you do every day: observe common patterns and try to make sense of them.

Doctors do this. Lawyers do this. Finance people do this. Teachers do this. Dog trainers do this. We look for behavioral patterns and adjust to them.

Tell me if this pattern sounds familiar to you:

You fall for a guy based on chemistry and common interests.

He makes a great effort to charm you, seduce you, and win you over.

You get your hopes up.

You let down your guard.

You fall in love.

You later discover that he is selfish, abusive, critical, or unwilling to make a long-term commitment.

And while it seems obvious that you should let him go, you end up staying because it’s so rare for you to find such a unique and powerful connection with a man.

The longer you stay, the sadder you get, the more time you waste, and the more you convince yourself that it’s impossible to find true love.

The problem is that you don’t want to give up.

You don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life.

You want to live happily ever after.

You want to know the answer to one vital question that will determine your future:

“How can I attract better men and get the long-term relationship I deserve?”

As I said in the Love U Pyramid of Love, before we can talk about finding a husband, I think it’s valuable to walk through a few of the steps that come before marriage.

  •       Confidence
  •       Meeting Men
  •       Dating
  •       Understanding Men
  •       Relationships
  •       Commitment

That’s a lot of stuff – and you don’t have to figure it all out right away.

Today, in advance of my big Love U launch next week, I’m going to continue your free education with a video that answers 3 common dating questions centering on confidence:

How can I make a man feel needed without being “needy”?

Why don’t I ever meet any quality men?

Why do I always seem to attract unavailable guys who treat me poorly?

I’m especially excited to share the first tip about being needy. It points out what you’ve already observed in men:

If a guy is too aloof, it’s hard to feel emotionally connected to him.

If a guy is too needy, it makes you want to run away with him.

So the best way to create true intimacy – for both men and women – is by being VULNERABLE.

So the best way to create true intimacy – for both men and women – is by being VULNERABLE.

Click here to watch the video, and when you’re done, please share your biggest takeaways in the comments section below. Thanks a million.

By the way, you’ll notice there are 3 Relationship Tips that are visible but greyed out.

Patience, grasshopper.

Those will be revealed to you in a few days once you’ve had a chance to process these.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,


P.S. You want to know if this Love U stuff works? Ask Jules.

Evan, I want to thank you SO much for everything that you do. I really believe that it was a driving force behind me having the relationship that I’ve always wanted. I was divorced, never dated much before, and read your “Why He Disappeared” eBook in one sitting. It really changed things for me. I finally understood why that guy I went out with on 3 amazing dates never called me again, I finally understood why that guy I had been texting for over 1 month never asked me out. But here is my favorite part, I STOPPED GETTING UPSET ABOUT IT. Okay, I was a little hurt, but not like I was before, and I didn’t let it stop me or hold me back because I KNEW there was going to be another guy out there.

Also, I stopped trying to lead the relationship. I finally learned to let go, stop being SO invested in every single date and started to have fun with dating. I’m being honest when I say I had TONS of fun dating. I learned to focus on being playful, just having a great conversation with a man, and stopped appearing so desperate.

That’s when he found me. The love of my life. All it took was a few email exchanges on an online dating website, and before I met him I made a conscious choice to try to be myself; this meant I did not get super dolled up for our brunch date but went looking “cute” and friendly and open. He was not my type at all. He was the same culture and religion as me, which I told myself I would never do, and he was not my type physically at all. But this time was different. I decided to focus on how he made me feel and give it a chance. And let me tell you, he makes me feel like no other man has ever made me feel. Safe, wanted, loved, cared for, special, funny, desired. What I also realized is that when I am being completely and utterly myself (like the way I am with a best friend; nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be fake about), he is even more crazy about me.

He always told me when we were first dating that he thought I was a “cool girl” and let me tell you, it took a while for me to get there!! I was a nervous girl, a not so confident-don’t know-what I’m doing-girl, but you gave me confidence, Evan. I knew that I should focus on the way he makes me feel and I should focus on making him feel good too (quizzing him on our 3rd date on whether he wants to ever get married would NOT make him feel good, so I didn’t do that, asking him why he didn’t call me one or two days out of the week when he called every other day was NOT going to make him feel good, so I didn’t do that either).

I also learned that it is OKAY for a woman to say what she wants or is important to her in a matter of fact way, and the guy can either take it or leave it. If the man cannot or does not want to provide that, it is up to the woman to decide if she still wants to be with him. After 2 years of dating. I dropped a “hint” and sent him a picture of a ring and told him should he ever consider it in the future, that was my style. A few months later he proposed with that exact same style of ring I sent him. We are getting married on a beach in about 2 weeks now, and I wanted to thank you again for all the work you do. It truly, really, makes a difference. It helped me become the woman I wanted to be (and always knew I could be) in a relationship; confident, open, giving and receiving.



P.P.S. You’ll notice one of the video tips echoes the same advice as my Pyramid of Love. That’s intentional. Repetition of core ideas is essential for your learning and I really want you to get clear on one key concept: you don’t actually attract bad men!

Click here to get three priceless dating tips that will bring out your best when you meet men.


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  1. 1
    No Name To Give

    Congrats to Jules! Wishing her all the best.

  2. 2
    Yet Another Guy

    He was not my type at all. He was the same culture and religion as me, which I told myself I would never do, and he was not my type physically at all.

    This situation sounds eerily like what is preached in the manosphere about women who previously chased alphas settling for a faithful betas because they cannot obtain what they desire from an alpha.  To me, that is not a good thing.  The emboldened text is very disturbing.  When a woman forgoes her physical type, she is forgoing a large part of arousal in order to obtain more comfort.  The same thing holds true for men.  I know that I have done it only to lose sexual interest after the newness of being treated well wears off.

  3. 3
    No Name To Give

    I thought part of what pissed off the manosphere was women not choosing the men they could obtain and going after these elusive butterfly alphas. What is a woman supposed to do then?

  4. 4

    Eh na, that’s not her saying she doesn’t find him physically attractive at all. Your point is only true if humans have immutable preferences, which is not true at all. Often our “type” does us more harm than good. Most people aren’t cognizant of why they are attracted to what they prefer.

  5. 5

    Agree, Noone45. Going against type didn’t work for YAG, but that doesn’t mean it never works. The manosphere is hardly a place to look to for solid relationship advice.

    I also doubt Evan would have used the testimonial of a woman who was disturbed & unhappy with her decision.

  6. 6
    Yet Another Guy


    I tend to agree with you when it comes to anything other than physical type. Physical type is a huge component of arousal. I have never been able to remain sexually attracted to a woman who is not my physical type, regardless of her facial beauty, and I suspect that most people struggle with this problem (the concept of the “alpha widow” is based in large part on women settling for men who are not their physical type after not being able to secure a man who is their physical type). Most people can be with someone who is not their physical type, but has all of the comfort qualities that they desire. Men who enter into these types of relationships often end up cheating. Women who take this path often end up losing sexual interest, which sets the divorce clock into motion. Physical attraction, chemistry, and lust are primal in nature. That programming resides in the same part of the brain as the autonomic nervous system. We cannot force ourselves to be physically attracted to someone. Women can override the lack of physical attraction via other desired attrbutes, but it is never going to scratch the itch that being strongly physically attracted to their man does.

    Have you ever met a long-married couple that still has sex more than twice a week? I have met quite a few, and they all had the thing in common; namely, both partners married their physical type and both partners made an effort to maintain it. These couples do not have “transactional” sex, which is common in a lot of sexually-active marriages. I do not believe that anyone wants to feel like his/her partner owes him/her sex. They want to feel like they are sexually desirable enough that their partner wants sex.

  7. 7
    Yet Another Guy


    Jeremy brought up something very interesting recently that went completely unnoticed; namely, “dads” and “cads.” The use of these terms in the context of mating strategies was originally introduced by Patrica Draper and Henry Harpending in the early eighties. The reality is that women will always prefer a cad for sex, but a dad for a life partner. Very few men want to feel like their woman settled for them for their “dad” potential, but that is exactly what has happened in Jules’ case. In fact, it happens more often than not because women find only 20% of the men on this planet to be physically attractive. Men who are in the 20% cohort have a lot of options; therefore, they have little incentive to treat a woman well. Men in the other 80% have no choice but to treat a woman well; otherwise, they face having their options limited to the bottom 20% of women.

  8. 8

    YAG, your opinions are not facts. Stop stating your opinions as if they are some kind of scientific truth. None of what you are saying is true. The brain is not rigidly programmed. It is plastic. The term is neuroplasticity. If you really wanted to you could change what you find attractive. Research has proven this several times. What you are attracted to is not primal, it’s influenced by your memories, your family, and what is socially acceptable. That’s been replicated in research many times. As for this only 20% of men are attractive crap, lol no. Stop taking studies of one environment and plastering it on the entire planet. This is where Evan goes wrong by posting pop cultural perspectives on those kinds of studies: they are never replicated and they only apply to one environment. The researchers are very clear on those points. Attraction is not universal, sorry. The top man on tinder is not going to be the top at your local goth night. Environment influences everyone.

    If I’m entirely honest, most people cede their lives to the opinions of othere, especially regarding what they profess to find attractive.

  9. 9


    If we take this 20% figure you bring up a lot as gospel, and if on average those women in that study find 20% of men attractive, it may well be that some women find 60% of men attractive, some 1%, some 50%, some 2%, some 70%, some 80%, some 0.0001% and so on. And in each case, each woman is finding a different subset of men attractive. There aren’t a group comprising 80% of men on earth being bypassed by every woman on earth who are then having to rely on being nice/a good Dad so some woman who finds them ugly will settle for them. That’s a gross oversimplification of human behaviour. Or manosphere rhetoric.

    I’d also love to know more about the broader quality of the physical type marriages you mention, other than how often they have sex. Given that a large proportion of a marriage takes place outside the bedroom. I’d also love to know what happens to those marriages if someone loses weight, gains weight, gets a fake tan, changes their hair colour, loses their hair, loses muscle mass, wipes their makeup off or goes grey…etc

  10. 10
    Emily, to


    Going against type didn’t work for YAG, but that doesn’t mean it never works. 

    It’s funny. The people who are always so adamant about dating their type. It would never occur to them that someone has probably dated them and, in doing so, gone against their preferred type.

  11. 11

    Hey Emmo.

    I like being called Mariks. It was probably a typo, but it works! 😉

    Yeah, I know. The ‘type’ thing is kinda weird beyond early days of dating anyway. What you think your type is often gets challenged when you meet a real human who’s not a bunch of attributes.

    E.g., gun to my head, I like broad shoulders. My ex-husband had sloped shoulders and I thought he was gorgeous. Gun to my head, I like straight teeth. But I’ve happily kissed, had sex with and liked/loved guys whose teeth could have used an orthodontist. Gun to my head I like dark hair and olive skin. But I’ve fallen for many a blondie. The nurse at my doctor’s practice is Celtic white with blond hair and I swoon every time I see him! My happiest married friend didn’t even notice her husband when she met him – he wasn’t on her radar. She had a history of falling for a certain type of guy and he was the opposite. They are very clearly happy & from what she says have a lot of sex. It’s all good.

    From reading Mrs Happy’s most recent post, I think we all need to just find someone who has forethought, organisational skills & empathy. That’s my new type 🙂

  12. 12

    I agree. If you had asked me my type last year, I would have listed a bunch of attributes and probably ended it with NO TATS. I hated tattoos and just associated other non-desirable qualities to them. My current bf showed up on date in a button up shirt and blazer (a look that is not him and he only pulls now when we go to my events) and had them all covered. It’s still not something I would seek out, but he’s super cute and I just see them now as a style thing, like me having a haircut he doesn’t dig. Had he posted pics on the dating app, I would have swiped past him for sure as I had this narrative in my head that I could not be attracted to that look.

  13. 13
    Yet Another Guy


    Study after study has demonstrated that the top 20% of men in the United States enjoy an abundance of options whereas the bottom 80% struggle to get dates. The bellyaching that I hear about how difficult it is to obtain a date on a dating site from men bears this one out. These men routinely say that they do better in person. That is because they are dealing with less competition when meeting a woman in real life where compensating attributes play a larger role (i.e., women are significantly more selective when it comes to physical attractiveness when dating online than in real life). I can tell you from first-hand experience that being in the top 20% of men within one’s age cohort is a radically different experience. The reason why I know so much about population demographics and the preference for men in top 20% in the United States is because I could not rectify their experience with mine; therefore, I went looking for answers. Even Evan posted a link to a study that demonstrated that dating for men is a land of haves and haves not whereas things are more tiered for women. Do women date men in the lower 80%? Absolutely! However, that is because they have to settle and substitute compensating attributes for pure physical attraction. If that were not true, why do more wives than husbands loose sexual interest in their marriages? Sure, you can put up a straw man argument that it is because the husband is not doing this or that, but the reality is that a woman more often than not settled for a man to whom she was not strongly physically attracted because he initially did those things. Strip away the compensating attributes, and a man for whom a woman settled becomes sexually unattractive.

    As far as to the marriages I wrote about, they were not purely physical marriages, but what they all had in common is that both partners married their physical type and both partners took steps to maintain their appearance as they aged. Gaining weight it not a forgone conclusion, and being gray is an option for both women and men (even being bald is a choice today). Gaining weight after marriage is the result of taking one’s partner for granted. My ex-wife ballooned up after we married. She was not my type to start with, but putting on thirty pounds in the first three years of marriage was a death knell to our sex life, which morphed into transactional sex before becoming non-existent.

    In the end, there is no substitute for marrying someone to whom one is strongly physically attracted who also is the kind who takes care of himself/herself (which is part of demonstrating respect for one’s partner). Sure, the comfort factors have to be there as well, but without mutual strong physical attraction, a marriage is headed down the transactional sex path at best, sexless, comfort marriage path at worst. I know quite a few marriages where both partners would prefer to be with someone to whom they are sexually attracted, but are unwilling to give up their comfortable lifestyle to obtain it. Why do you think there are “open” marriages? It is not because both partners are strongly physically attracted to each other.

  14. 14
    No Name To Give

    And I thought I was cynical.

  15. 15


    NO, full stop. You are continually repeating your opinion as fact. Your analysis of that study is incorrect. Within the study, the researchers make it clear the results are only applicable to the site they were studying. Those results are not applicable to other environments. You are willfully ignoring reality. The top 20% at Okcupid will not translate to vampirefreaks, black date, farmers only, etc. The researchers are very clear on that point. You cannot take a study of one online dating site and infer that to the rest of the US. Online dating isn’t even where the majority of people meet.

    I think i know what this arguement is really about: if women are really what you say, then your situation isn’t your fault. I can’t fault you as i see where i do this. You need to hash this out in therapy.

  16. 16
    Emily, to

    “I like being called Mariks. It was probably a typo, but it works!”

    It wasn’t a typo. It was a nickname I picked out for you. 🙂

    “What you think your type is often gets challenged when you meet a real human who’s not a bunch of attributes.”

    Exactly. But you can’t explain that to someone who is scanning the room for the exact type they always look for. RIGID. Gun to my head, I like ’em short, thin, dark hair and my age. But there was a real cute guy at work who was tall, young, blonde and I might even say a little bit on the heavy side. But that boy walked into room. … I sent an all-points female bulletin: We have a Sexiness sighting!

  17. 17


    Did you read my comment properly? Do you get how statistics work? Do you really, truly believe there is a static group comprising 20% of men in the US population all women would find most desirable? Have you had a conversation about this with a real life in person woman?

  18. 18

    IDK, Mariks sounds like an insult to my mother.  Gun to my head, I like a woman who appreciates pun humour.

  19. 19

    Haha! Finallly got it by saying Mariks in my head with a Canadian accent

    Gun to my head…I probably shouldn’t be starting sentences like that. I do appreciate your spelling Jeremy….you certainly put the ‘u’ in humour

  20. 20

    Hehe. Em.the.only 

    Yes I got that APB. We all did. We had a minute’s silence from across the globe in honour of your SS ;))

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